Survived to Thrive Podcast
A podcast designed for survivors of suicide loss. This podcast explores the unique grief experiences that accompany a loved ones death due to suicide, shares insights on how your brain processes this kind of loss, and offers worthwhile and valuable tips you can start today to gain a more joyful and fulfilling life even though your loved one died.
Survived to Thrive Podcast
Episode 100: Navigating Peoples Reactions While Grieving Suicide Loss
Navigating the reactions of others while grieving can be challenging and painful, but it also offers an opportunity for growth and understanding. This episode delves into how to maintain emotional peace, set healthy boundaries, and reclaim the narrative around grief, emphasizing that others' reactions reflect their own experiences rather than our worth or healing.
• Understanding mixed reactions from friends and family
• Distinguishing between supportive and harmful behaviors
• Recognizing reactions are reflections of others, not ourselves
• Exploring the neutrality of comments and behaviors
• The importance of setting boundaries for emotional safety
• How to communicate needs compassionately
• Taking control of our narratives during grief
If you found this episode helpful, please share it with others who may also benefit from the insights provided.
As always, thanks for listening!
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Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/
Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com
You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.
Speaker 2:You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 100, navigating Other People's Reactions While Grieving Suicide Loss. Hey friends, welcome to the Survive to Thrive podcast. We are episode 100. I cannot even believe it. It's so exciting to make it this far in this podcast. I really wanted to create this space for survivors of suicide loss to find support and healing and understanding, and I just am so thankful that I have had this opportunity to keep this going for as long as 100 episodes. So thank you, thank you, thank you as 100 episodes. So thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate you all. I couldn't have made it this far without you and your support and your comments and all of it. So thank you. I also wanted to share with you all that my podcast was recognized as the top seven, is the top seven, number seven in the top 30 podcasts for suicide, so I really appreciate it. This topic really encompasses many different topics in regards to suicide, suicide prevention, suicidal ideation, things like that, and also survivors of suicide loss, and I just appreciate that this has been recognized. It really has been such a project that's been near and dear to my heart. It's been something I felt inspired to create and share. So it just feels nice to be recognized, and I just want to extend a personal invitation to you all that, if you find this podcast to be helpful, to share it with others in your life that have also suffered suicide loss, or if you know of anyone in your own personal families or relationships that have also lost your same loved one, please share it with them as well, and I'm hopeful that this podcast can be that safe space for them to help them along their healing journey as they're going through the experience of navigating loss after suicide. So please, please, please, share. All right.
Speaker 2:With all of that said, I want to dive into a topic today, and today we're going to be talking about something so many of us struggle with, and that is how other people behave while we are grieving. Now, if you've lost someone to suicide which I believe most of us who listen to this podcast has, or you know someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, you've probably experienced a mix and I'm talking about reactions from other people, and some of these reactions are very supportive and helpful, and some are uncomfortable and some are outright painful. Maybe someone avoids you, maybe they say the wrong thing, maybe they try to fix your pain right. And today we're going to talk about why people act the way they do and how to take back control of our emotional experience and how to create more peace in our relationships, even in grief. Okay, so, to guide us through this podcast episode, I'm going to be drawing from some teachings that I have learned from my various trainings, through my grief educator training, through my coaching, through some well-renowned individuals who are in the emotional resilience space, and I think this podcast is going to be very helpful for you, especially when you're really trying to make sense of why people are behaving in the way that they do. And we're going to gain some clarity and some understanding and we're going to learn some strategies on what we should do and how to do it so that we can actually receive some peace and strength in our relationships. Okay, so, first off, we're going to talk about why people act the way that they do.
Speaker 2:Right Now, when we lose someone to suicide, people often just don't know really how to respond to it. Have you noticed Some people will probably just avoid the topic altogether because they're afraid of saying anything wrong, they don't want to say anything that would offend, or they don't really just know how to be supportive in that situation, most likely because they've never experienced themselves Maybe they haven't even experienced grief, so they just feel like they just don't really know what to say or how to exactly relate and so they just avoid it altogether. Others might try to be supportive by offering cliches, that kind of miss the mark, right. For example, they might say things like everything happens for a reason, or they might say that your loved one is in a much better place, or something like that. Right, and while they might feel like that that's being somewhat supportive, a lot of times it just feels very invalidating and dismissive, right.
Speaker 2:Other people might just express genuine curiosity and they might ask questions that are insensitive or intrusive, like they might ask you more details specific to the loss and the way that they died, the circumstances leading up to their death, things like that, and it just feels very insensitive, especially if there are people that you don't really know very well and they start asking those questions. I know that that was something that came up for me when I lost my sister. People were messaging me on social, they were messaging me on texting. These were more acquaintances, not really close friends, and they were asking more details about, you know, related to the death of my sister, and, yeah, it just didn't feel, you know, quite right. Right, it felt a little intrusive, it felt a little insensitive. So I know, for a lot of survivors these things come up.
Speaker 2:So I really want to talk about some things that have been very helpful for me and I think will be very helpful for you, and that is to understand that people's reactions are not about us, they're about them. Their discomfort, their awkwardness, their avoidance it's all a reflection of their own fears, lack of understanding or even their own unresolved grief. Okay, now, I think, if you don't get anything else from this podcast episode, I think understanding and really considering this truth will be so helpful for you. So, just remember, people's reactions are not about us, they are about them. Okay, huge, very huge, okay. Now, when I was working in my education as a coach and I was learning a lot about coaching and the coaching model that I was trained in by the life coach school, I learned a concept from the coaching model that I think is also very useful here and I want to talk about it today, and that is that the way others act is always neutral until we assign meaning to it.
Speaker 2:Okay, in other words, someone avoiding us doesn't mean they don't care. It could mean they're overwhelmed or don't know what to say. Okay, someone saying staying strong doesn't mean they're minimizing our pain. It might just mean they don't know any other way to express support. Okay, let me give you another example, okay, of how this applies.
Speaker 2:For example, say you are in a grocery store and the line is moving very slow. Okay, grocery store and the line is moving very slow. Okay, one person might be complaining about the line moving very slow. Another person might be grateful that the line is moving slow because that means that it will take them longer to get to the thing that they're dreading. Right, like, maybe they don't want to go and face their kids right now. Maybe they are looking at it as some sort of break or something. Maybe they don't want to deal with a conflict at work, so they're thankful to have a little bit of a delay, right, while the other person is really impatient and frustrated by the line moving slow. They have a completely different perspective on the situation, right, because the situation is neutral. It's always neutral. It's not one way or the other way until we assign a meaning to the situation. So I think it's really important to understand that. Okay, because here's the thing If we understand this, if we understand this concept that the way others act is always neutral until we assign meaning to it, we will understand this with a little more clarity and it gives us a little breathing room. It doesn't mean we have to accept bad behavior, but it means we don't have to take everything so personally. Okay, all right. So, with all that said, if everything is neutral, if everything is only what it is, once we assign meaning to it, how do we take back control of our experience? And this is where coaching work becomes incredibly powerful. Okay, because here's the thing Our emotions don't come directly from what other people do or say.
Speaker 2:They come from our thoughts about those things. So let's take an example If a friend stops reaching out, okay. After we've lost our loved one, we might think they don't care about us. We might feel abandoned. But what if we choose to think differently about it? What if we decide they might not know what to say, and that's okay. Okay, if we choose that, suddenly we feel more understanding and less hurt. Do you see the difference there? Do you see the power in that Okay.
Speaker 2:Now I want to remind you that we can't control other people, but we can control our own response. That means setting boundaries, choosing who we allow in our space and deciding how we want to show up in our grief. So here's a question for you how do you want to think about people around you? What thoughts would bring you more peace rather than pain? And I think this is something important to consider, right? So, if you have someone in your life that you're really struggling with that you are really having a hard time with after you lost your loved one, because maybe this person hasn't been as supportive as you wanted them to be, maybe they haven't been saying the right things, maybe they haven't been doing the right things, maybe they haven't been calling you enough, maybe they haven't been doing everything you would expect them to do, or that what you would do if you knew your friend was going through a similar experience, right, okay, I really want you to consider what thoughts would bring you more peace rather than the pain. Okay, maybe thinking about that friend as more of someone who is feeling a bit overwhelmed and doesn't quite know how to support me. So they're just taking that step back. Okay, now, thinking that thought, as opposed to thinking about that they're just not considerate of us, that they're not being kind, they're not being a supportive friend right is gonna feel a lot better than thinking that our friend is not a good friend or that they're not supportive or they don't want to be around us anymore or they don't care about us. Those thoughts are painful, and here's the beauty in it all we get to decide how we want to think about it, and that's where our power is when we make a decision on how we want to think about the people in our lives, the relationships we have, the way that they behave. If we decide how we want to think about the way people behave and we decide to think about it in a way that brings us more peace, I'm telling you it is going to be huge, it's going to be life-changing for you, so I highly highly recommend just considering it. Okay, now I want to bring up something that's also very important, okay, and that is about setting boundaries with compassion. As we all know, grief is exhausting and we don't have an unlimited amount of energy, so that's why boundaries really do matter.
Speaker 2:Okay, now a podcaster, mel Robbins. You may have heard of her. She talks a lot about confidence coming from action. So if someone's words or behaviors are hurting you, you can take action. That might mean saying I'm not ready to talk about this, or I need support, not advice. It might mean stepping back from certain people. Okay, now I do wanna put a little caveat to that. Setting boundaries are not about controlling others. They're about protecting our own emotional space.
Speaker 2:Okay, let me give you an example. For example, if someone is trying to pressure you to move forward, say, for example, they're saying things like haven't you grieved long enough? Isn't it time? You know, I know you've been really sad, but it seems like this is getting a little redundant, or this is carrying on a little bit too long, right, so a boundary would be saying something to the effect of if you keep pressuring me to move on, I will leave the conversation. Okay, now, what it's not is you saying you need to stop saying that. Right, and here's the reason why. If you say, if you keep pressuring me to move on, I will leave the conversation, I will leave the conversation.
Speaker 2:You're, number one, communicating the boundary. Number two, you're expressing the consequence that would happen if they violated or crossed the boundary right, and that's really important. Now the third step to the boundary is if the person violates your boundary, you have to follow through. That's your responsibility, okay, people don't learn if you don't follow through with the consequence. Okay, and that's the truth. So in order for someone to learn about your boundary, you have to communicate it, express the consequence and follow through. Super, super important, okay. Now here's a simple way to think about it, of what we talked about today If someone is well-intentioned but misguided, you can educate them.
Speaker 2:If someone is draining your energy, you can set a boundary. If someone is harming you emotionally, you can walk away. Okay, you don't owe anyone access to your pain. You get to decide who and what supports your healing. Okay. Now, I know that was a lot that we just went through. I think there was a lot of concepts taught in just this short time I have with you all. So if you're interested in learning more in depth about these concepts, just shoot me an email.
Speaker 2:I'd love to share more with you, but as we wrap up, I just want to remind you other people's behavior is not a reflection of your worth, your grief or your healing. I think that's really important to reiterate. And I also think it's really important to reiterate. It's a reflection of where they are Okay, not you. They are. You get to decide how much space their words and actions take up in your mind. You get to decide, you get to choose how you think about it. Okay, now, I think it's really important because that's where your power is, that's where you'll be able to take control of your own emotional healing journey. Okay, and so I think I really wanted to really reiterate that with you. Now, if this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you. Reach out, share your story, let me know what topics you'd like to explore next, and just remember you are not alone in this. Take care of yourself, be gentle with yourself and until next time, bye-bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also check out survived-to-thrivecom for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.