Survived to Thrive Podcast

Episode 101: Reconnecting After Being Disconnected In Grief

• Amy Miller • Season 1 • Episode 101

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This episode highlights the journey of reconnecting with oneself and others after a profound loss, urging survivors to challenge isolation through mindset shifts and action. Listeners learn the importance of empathy, practical steps for engagement, and the healing potential of reconnection despite ongoing grief. 
• Acknowledging feelings of isolation during grief 
• Exploring how disconnection can affect relationships 
• Challenging mindset shifts that foster connection 
• Discussing Mel Robbins' Five-Second Rule as a reconnection tool 
• Emphasizing that reconnecting doesn't negate grief 
• Encouraging listeners to take small steps toward rebuilding relationships 
• Offering strategies for honoring love while navigating pain

As always, thanks for listening!

We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."

Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Speaker 1:

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

Speaker 2:

You are listening to the Survive to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 101, reconnecting After being Disconnected in Grief. Hey friends, welcome to this podcast. Thank you all for joining me today. You know, I just appreciate this opportunity to spend this 20, 25 minutes, whatever it is together with you each week and just kind of go through the thoughts and the experiences and the feelings and the things we're dealing with after navigating loss, and I just appreciate the opportunity to be able to have a more candid discussion, an honest conversation about grief, especially when we're dealing with loss due to suicide, I feel like there's not enough conversations happening, there's not enough discussion, there's not enough information out there, and so I want to change that. So thank you, thank you, thank you for supporting this podcast. Okay, so today we're going to talk about something deeply personal Reconnecting after grief has left us feeling so isolated, right, grief can be so consuming that we lose touch, not just with other people but with ourselves.

Speaker 2:

So if you've ever felt like you're an island, cut off from the world, this episode is for you, and this episode we're going to really draw from the teachings that I have learned as a certified grief educator from David Kessler, who is fantastic who does some fantastic, amazing grief work. I'm also going to draw from my coach training through the Life Coach School. I'm also going to draw from Mel Robbins because I think that she speaks to an area in this that I feel like really helps us take action to help pull us out of this isolation that we find ourselves in and to move us forward. So I'm looking forward to this episode. I hope it is helpful and if you find this podcast episode to be helpful for you, please share with others. Share with people that you know who've also experienced loss due to suicide, and just share with all your people because I think it'll be helpful for them too. So, first portion we're going to be talking about understanding disconnection and grief.

Speaker 2:

Now, as I referenced earlier, david Kessler is a leading voice in grief. He has really written some amazing literature and books and I have really loved the work that he has done. He's worked with many experts, know those who study grief, and he's even had opportunities to work directly with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and Mother Teresa. If you're interested, look him up. He has some fantastic literature and I highly recommend.

Speaker 2:

You know he talks a lot about how grief often isolates and it's an interesting thing, because grief is something that's a universal experience, right, many people are going to experience grief in their life, whether that's grief through a suicide loss, like we've experienced, or if they've dealt with other types of grief. Right, there's so many facets in life where grief can show up, whether that be in our workplace, whether that be in our family dynamics, maybe it's through a pet loss, maybe it's through a job change. Grief can show up in so many different ways, right, and it's something that each and every one of us is going to face at one point in our life or another and we feel isolated, like. This is a unique experience that nobody understands, nobody gets it, nobody knows if they only knew how I felt right, knows if they only knew how I felt right, and so I think a lot of us have tricked ourselves into believing that this is a lonely experience and that we have to deal with it alone. But here's the truth Many people in this world have experienced grief right Now, I'm not saying that a loss of a pet compares to losing a loved one to suicide, or loss of a job will compare to losing a loved one to suicide, or if even a loss of someone to a different form of death even really compares to a different form of death even really compares, but the emotions and the feelings that people feel as a consequence of experiencing one of those losses is somewhat similar.

Speaker 2:

Now, I say this because I want you to understand where emotions and feelings come from, right, emotions and feelings come from the way we think about things. So, if we're thinking about how devastating a loss is okay, whether that be the job, whether that be the pet, whether that be, you know, a friend who died in a tragic accident or our loved one who died by suicide when we're thinking those thoughts about how devastating they are, we're going to feel a sensation in our body. Okay, we're going to feel pain in our body, and that is a universal experience, okay. Now, the degree to pain can vary, and I would even be bold enough to say that experiencing loss of my sister was a more painful experience than losing my grandparent, okay, which, to me, was painful, but it was a varying degree. And here's the thing about that. It's because of the way that I was thinking about their death.

Speaker 2:

Okay, when I was thinking about my grandparents' death, I thought a lot about how my grandparent lived a very long and successful life. My sister, however. She was 22. She was young, she had a lot to live for, and just those two differences makes the death of my sister by suicide feel more painful than the death of my grandparent. Are you following me?

Speaker 2:

So what I'm trying to say here is that it is all deeply connected on how we think about the loss, how we think about whatever it is that we are grieving, right. And so what I want to say about this is, because each and every one of us does experience grief in our lifetime and will be faced with this, we will all be able to have more empathy for others who are going through grief. Okay, and the reason why I want to say this is because I see a lot in feeds, especially in suicide loss support group feeds okay, or even in the actual live groups, where people who have gone through a suicide loss feel like that, when people are trying to connect with them, with sharing their own experience with grief and loss, that it's hurtful, that it's painful, that they take some sort of offense to it. Right, and I completely get it and I completely understand why. But I will share with you all that in the beginning, I was exactly that same way, I had people come to me and express to me that you know they really empathized with me because their son had been diagnosed with autism and the grief that they felt with that was so painful, and so you know they were alluding to the fact they understood what I was going through, and in my mind I felt like there's no way this person understands.

Speaker 2:

That's a completely different thing, right, and so my mind was thinking a lot about how offensive that was, but since then I have learned to come to understand that the truth is, human beings want to connect. They want to connect with you even in your darkest day. Now they might not know how to right, they may say the wrong thing, they may say something completely offensive in the moment, but the truth is they're really trying to find the thing that brings you to a deeper understanding of each other, to connect each other, and I think that that is something that you know. When you're going through the grief and the loss and you're feeling like people don't understand, it's not for the lack of people not trying to connect with you, even though they may be trying to connect with you in a incorrect or inappropriate way, right. So I just want to throw that out for you to think about. Okay, because since the beginning of my grief experience and after talking to so many survivors and coaching so many survivors through this and seeing in my own experience and learning for myself that I have noticed that most people actually want to understand you. They want to understand the experience that you are experiencing and that in itself, can be very connecting. Even if they can't fully understand what you're experiencing, you can still feel more connection, feel more connection.

Speaker 2:

Okay, now I want to talk about how us, as we're going through the grief experience, how our world views completely shift right and what causes us to really withdraw from connection because of experiencing loss due to suicide. And what I have found in my work and what David Kessler speaks to often in his work, is that when you're going through grief, the world no longer feels the same. We feel like our whole world has just flipped upside down, that everything around us has changed and shifted and we kind of don't even know how to deal with it, right, we don't even know how to make sense of it because it feels, especially in the beginning, everything that has just occurred and happened is senseless, right, so we probably withdraw a lot from engaging with others is because we're trying to get our bearings right To navigate this new world that we're trying to navigate, and it can be challenging and difficult and so we will withdraw. Another reason why we withdraw is because we don't feel understood by others. Okay, again, it goes back to what I was talking about before.

Speaker 2:

How you know, maybe you share your loss with someone and somebody tries to relate with something that just seems so minimal, right, like the example I gave to you when the mother was explaining to me how she understood my grief because her son was diagnosed with autism and what that meant for her, and I just didn't feel like it was the same right, it didn't feel like an equal amount of grief. And while my child never was diagnosed with autism, you know, and I could somewhat relate and understand how that might be painful to get that diagnosis, I just didn't feel how that. I didn't see in the moment how that equated to the experience of losing my sister to suicide. So that can be a reason why we withdraw is because we just don't feel completely understood by other people. Another reason why we withdraw is because we really do fear like we're being a burden on others right, others right.

Speaker 2:

I know that this definitely comes up for a lot of survivors, where the pain is just excruciating and you don't know what to do and you feel like you're kind of in this deep trench of grief and you don't know how to get yourself out and you don't want to show that or be this way around people that you care about or with your co-workers at work. You don't want to bring the morale down, and so you feel like it's so much easier just to withdraw so that they don't have to be around you or to experience your grief or be subject to the negativity, right, and so that's another reason why a lot of survivors will withdraw. But I feel like what I've learned from David Kessler and probably one of the most important lessons I've learned from him is that meanings help us reconnect. Okay, grief isn't about loss, it's about love, and he encourages us to ask how can I honor this love in a way that brings me back to life?

Speaker 2:

And one of the simple steps that we can do is just to start with just one person who feels safe, who has been the there for you, even if they've pulled away. Maybe you had a good friend and you felt like you lost that friend. I have a whole podcast episode on where did my friends go, because a lot of times, a lot of survivors experience this, where so many of their friends walk away or don't talk to them anymore or stop calling you or whatever. But I think you just need to pick one person that you feel like is a safe person and just text them or give them a quick call, just open a door for a conversation, and even just doing that, just that small act, can begin the process of reconnection, and you will find that when you do this, you're actually going to feel better. Okay, all right.

Speaker 2:

Now, with all that said, I want to talk to you a little bit more deeper about managing your thoughts about reconnection Because, like I said before, you're going to have all kinds of thoughts. You're going to believe and feel that you're isolated, that you're alone, that this is a lonely experience and that is all normal. And if you're feeling very disconnected from people, from the world, from family, from friends, from coworkers, you're probably thinking a lot of thoughts like this. No one understands what I'm going through, right, that thought isolating. Another thought I don't know how to be social anymore. That's one that I feel like so many people who have been in grief. You know they try to get back into it, but they feel awkward. They don't feel like they know like where even to start or even to begin to have a conversation with someone, because, again, it's like your whole view of the world has shifted and changed, right?

Speaker 2:

Another thought that comes up for a lot of survivors is that it's simply that it's just easier to be alone right Now. If you're thinking thoughts like this all the time no one understands what I'm going through, I don't know how to be social anymore. It's so much easier to be alone Then, if you're thinking these thoughts all the time, you're going to feel like you want to just stay home. You're going to feel like you don't want to engage, you don't want to connect, you don't want to do any of those things. So no wonder you feel so disconnected, right? But what if you question those thoughts? What if, instead of no one understands, you tried something like this there are people who care about me, even if they don't fully understand. Okay, it's just a simple mindset shift, right? It's not really changing that. No one understands, but it questions those thoughts a little bit. It just tweaks it a little bit, okay, something just that you can actually wrap your head around, something that's believable, okay. So if you say to yourself, there are people who care about me, even if they don't fully understand, it's going to feel a lot better than saying to yourself no one understands what I'm going through, right.

Speaker 2:

So the steps are this you first got to encourage with yourself a simple mindset shift. If you notice yourself going down that path, okay, first thing you got to do is recognize the thought. You need to challenge it with that simple mindset shift and then choose a thought that moves you towards the connection. Just a small step, okay, nothing big, nothing huge. You don't want to say something like this, where you know, instead of saying no one understands what I'm going through, you can't say something like everyone understands what I'm going through. All, right A, that's not even true. Right B you're not even going to believe that right and so it's not going to be something that your brain is willing to accept. So you have to do it in a simple, simple way, okay, to make it easier for your brain to understand that right. So shifting that to there are people who care about me, even if they don't fully understand is going to be a lot easier for your brain to accept. Okay, so when you catch yourself thinking things like I don't belong anymore, shift to I'm learning how to connect in a new way. Okay, if you do these little shifts, we'll create a bridge back to relationships and connection, which I think this is what we want, right? We want to be more connected. We want more connection, okay.

Speaker 2:

Now the third thing I want to talk about today, which I think is really important, is about taking action even when it's really hard. So I've been listening to a lot of Mel Robbins lately. I just love the way that she approaches certain things and I draw from so many teachers who have taught me in my coaching practice and have taught me through literature and books and conferences and trainings and all of those things. But one of the things that she brings up that I think is huge and really applies here is the five-second rule. Okay, now bear with me as I explain what this five-second rule is and then how this applies here.

Speaker 2:

Okay, first, if you have an instinct to do something positive, first, if you have an instinct to do something positive, okay, you need to count five, four, three, two, one and do it before your brain talks you out of it, okay. Now, why I'm saying this? Is because when you're grieving, your motivation is super low and isolation becomes a habit, and isolation becomes a habit. But action precedes emotion. So if you wait to feel like reconnecting, it just may never happen. So you've got to do it, okay.

Speaker 2:

And so when she talks about this five-second rule, I really love it, because you don't have time to overthink it, you don't have time to talk yourself out of it, you just do it, okay. So, for example, if you are thinking about reaching out to someone for example, maybe there's a friend that you used to talk to all the time and you haven't talked to him in a long time Well, don't overthink it, just count five, four, three, two, one and send that text Okay. Another example might be if you're invited somewhere and you're, like, hesitating for a second, just count five, four, three, two, one. Say yes, before your brain convinces you to say no, okay. This key to this is just the small amounts of courage. If you just take small amounts of courage to do this, to say yes, to reach out, to do the thing Okay, it's going to be so much easier for you to make this more of a habit and to start making choices and choosing things to reconnect, get you more engaged with people, doing things to help you pull yourself out of your own isolation. Okay Now, with all of that said, I just want to share with you all that I know.

Speaker 2:

I've had so much personal experience with feeling isolated. I know that after I lost my sister, I spent a lot of days in my room with all the lights off, not wanting to deal with anything, but I knew that I really craved connection and I knew that I needed it, and I didn't really know how to. And if I would have had these tools that I'm sharing with you all today, it would have been a lot easier to get through those most isolating days. So I just want to say that if you just do the small things, the small mind shifts right. And if you apply that five second rule okay, before your brain talks you out of it you're going to find yourself a little more engaged. You're going to find yourself more reconnected with people. You're going to find yourself even making new connections with people maybe you have never even met before, and that's going to be huge for your healing journey. Okay, cause there's nothing more healing and more. What's the word more amazing about climbing out of a grief trench is in the connecting, in the connection, in the reconnecting Okay.

Speaker 2:

One last thing I want to say to you all is reconnecting doesn't mean forgetting, okay. It doesn't mean you're done grieving. It just simply means you're choosing to step towards loss or towards life even in the midst of loss. Right, we need to step towards our lives, okay.

Speaker 2:

And if you're done taking steps back or being stuck in your grief, if you're done with just getting through the day-to-day, every single day, and you are ready to just take a step forward, to allow yourself the possibility to feel a little bit of happiness, a little bit of joy again, there are so many things out there, so many options, and coaching has been instrumental in my own personal healing journey. I know thousands and thousands of people who've been able to climb out of the grief trenches due to the tools that I teach in my coaching program, and I highly recommend that you check it out, learn more, and I'm happy to help you as you're navigating through your own personal grief experience. Thanks you guys for joining me today. If you feel like this episode resonated with you, I'd love to hear from you. Reach out, share your thoughts, pass this along to someone who might need it and until next time, take care of yourself and remember connection is still within reach and I love you all and appreciate you all.

Speaker 1:

And until next time, bye-bye. Survived-to-thrivecom for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.