Survived to Thrive Podcast
A podcast designed for survivors of suicide loss. This podcast explores the unique grief experiences that accompany a loved ones death due to suicide, shares insights on how your brain processes this kind of loss, and offers worthwhile and valuable tips you can start today to gain a more joyful and fulfilling life even though your loved one died.
Survived to Thrive Podcast
Episode 105: How to deal with not getting any closure.
Closure after suicide loss—it's what so many of us desperately seek,yet what if closure isn't something we're meant to have? What if it's not even real?
In this deeply compassionate exploration of grief after suicide loss, Amy challenges the common belief that we need answers and understanding before we can heal. She reveals how the pursuit of closure can actually keep us stuck in our grief, preventing us from moving forward. The painful reality of suicide is that it often comes suddenly, unexpectedly, leaving survivors with a profound sense that closure never had a chance.
Amy offers a powerful perspective shift: what we truly need isn't closure but peace. And peace doesn't come from having all the answers—it comes from how we manage our minds around what happened. Even if we had every possible explanation for why our loved one died by suicide, would it actually take away our pain? Probably not, because our pain isn't coming from unanswered questions; it's coming from our thoughts about those questions.
Rather than seeking closure, Amy encourages listeners to find meaning. This isn't about being glad the loss happened, but about integrating it into our lives in a way that brings purpose—whether through sharing your story, supporting others, or simply living more fully because of what you've experienced. The journey through grief isn't about forgetting; it's about learning to carry our grief while still creating a life of meaning and even joy.
Have you been waiting for answers that might never come? Consider asking yourself different questions: "How can I allow myself to grieve without needing to wrap it up?" "What meaning can I create from my loss?" "How can I think about this in a way that brings me peace right now?" Share this episode with someone who needs to hear that they can move forward without closure—because living with love, meaning, and purpose is the true goal of healing.
As always, thanks for listening!
We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."
Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/
Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com
You are listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.
Speaker 2:You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 105, how to deal with not getting any closure. Hey friends, welcome to the podcast. Thankful you are here today with me. I appreciate you all. You all are just the best. You send me the nicest messages and I just appreciate all the love that you send my way. I also appreciate you listening and sharing my podcast and getting it out there to more survivors of suicide loss. If this is your first time listening, I just want to say welcome to this space where we really take deep dives into loss due to suicide. We learn strategies, we learn tools, we learn ideas, we learn simple things that we can implement into our daily lives to help us grapple with traumatic loss due to suicide. So you are in the right place and I'm thankful you are here with us today.
Speaker 2:Today we're going to be discussing and going over this topic and this idea of closure, and what I have found is I have found so many survivors come to me and tell me, either in a coaching session or in groups or just talking to other survivors, about this idea of not having the opportunity to get the closure. They feel they need not having the opportunity to get the closure they feel they need. And I just really thought this would be an important topic to talk about because this topic really impacts survivors of suicide loss. Because when we lose our loved one to suicide, oftentimes and I would say most of the time it comes suddenly, it comes quickly, it's unexpected and we're just trying to make sense of this senseless act that our loved one did. And it feels in often situations that this closure never had a chance, that there would never be an opportunity for it. Never had a chance but there would never be an opportunity for it and we wonder how we're going to cope. We feel it's unfair. We feel like if our loved one would have died from a terminal disease or would have died by even a tragic accident, that somehow it's easier to find closure in those situations. But with suicide you just don't feel like you have this opportunity to have closure right.
Speaker 2:And I really want to talk about this because I think there's a lot of myths and ideas behind the idea of closure that really kind of messes us up when we're trying to make sense of it all right. So I want to get into this because I feel like many of us have been told that we need it. But what I want to say is what if closure isn't something we're meant to have? What if it's not even real? Okay, and I want to explore this and explore why chasing closure might be keeping you stuck and what you can do instead. Okay, let's get started. All right.
Speaker 2:So the first thing I want to talk about is the illusion of closure. Okay, now, most of you know I have a extensive background in coaching and personal development, and I want to talk about this idea of closure because closure is one of those things that we've been conditioned to believe that we need. Okay, we think if we can just close the book on something painful, that we'll finally feel better. But the truth is we don't need closure. What we really want is peace.
Speaker 2:And here's the catch. See, peace doesn't come from closure. It comes from managing our minds around what really happened. Okay, so we don't really need answers to move forward. We really just don't actually need them. Okay, and we think if we could just understand why it happened and why our loved one made this choice, we'd finally be able to move on. But even if you had every single answer, would it actually take the pain away? I want you to think about that, right? Would it actually take the pain away if we had every single answer as to why our loved one chose to do what they do? Okay, I would say probably not, because pain isn't coming from the unanswered questions. It's coming from how we're thinking about them. Okay, I really want you to consider that, because I think that, for me, was huge in my healing journey when I was handling my own grief due to the loss of my sister.
Speaker 2:Okay, now, the second thing I want to talk about is how grief isn't a problem to solve. Okay, I think so many of us feel like we're in this grief experience. It's really disrupting our lives, it's disrupting how we show up in the world, it's affecting our relationships, it's affecting how we are Right, but I want you to really think about how grief isn't a problem to solve, okay, so I want to say to those of you who feel you can't move forward without closure that closure is a myth. It's something we chase when we don't want to feel the pain or the discomfort of grief. And here, here's the thing I get it because grief is hard, but grief isn't a problem to be solved. It's really a process to move through and that truly is so powerful.
Speaker 2:So you know, what I want to say more about this is that a lot of us believe if we can't make sense of what happened, we can't heal. But healing isn't about making sense of suicide. Healing is about allowing yourself to fill all the emotions that come with loss Without resisting them, without needing an explanation. Right, that makes it all okay. Because there is no explanation that makes it okay. If you think about it, the explanations I try to make up in my own head why my sister died, the way that she died, still doesn't make it okay, right, it doesn't even soften the pain. Actually, sometimes it actually makes it feel a little bit worse because when you start solving okay, when you start answering all of the unknowns and you're starting to assume, it actually opens up a Pandora's box of additional questions and additional things to solve and it actually can make it more painful. So I want you to say that, because there is no explanation that it's okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, closure really suggests an ending, like we're supposed to be done with grief at some point, but that's not really how it works. So, instead of seeking closure, I really like to focus with my clients when I talk to them in my coaching sessions on creating life that honors both their loss and their future. Those two can coincide together. They don't have to be separate. You don't have to have closure before you can move on with your future. You actually can move on with your future without having closure. Okay, now the next thing I want to talk about and I think this will really be helpful for you is to find meaning instead of closure. Okay, because closure is about trying to wrap grief up in a neat little box and say, okay, I'm done with that now, but grief doesn't work that way. Instead looking for closure, I encourage people to look for meaning. Okay, and I think this is really important. Many of you know that I have studied a lot of David Kessler and he talks about this idea of meaning. In fact, he read a book on finding meaning. I think it's excellent. I highly recommend you check it out.
Speaker 2:But meaning doesn't mean we're glad the loss happened. It just means we find a way to integrate it into our lives in a way that brings purpose. So maybe it's as simple as sharing your story or supporting others or simply choosing to live more fully because of what you've been through. You know, I think that one that last one I just suggested, I think is huge. Sometimes because we've gone through loss. Maybe it means you're going to be more present with your kids. Maybe you're going to develop deeper and closer relationships with your surviving siblings. If you lost a sibling, maybe you are going to develop a closer relationship with your surviving siblings. If you lost a sibling, maybe you are going to develop a closer relationship with your surviving parent. If you lost a parent. It can mean a lot of different things. It just could mean that maybe you're going to cling closer to your own nuclear family that you have created. Or maybe it means you're going to reach out to extended family you haven't maybe reached out to in a while. But these are all actionable ways to help us find meaning in experiencing the loss that we have gone through.
Speaker 2:Right, and the thing is, is so many of us we get stuck waiting for an answer that will never come, or we can choose to bring meaning to our loss in a way that helps us really move forward, and so I think doing those things like I suggested, will really help us to propel us forward in this journey of grief that we find ourselves in Now. Lastly, I always have to talk about this because I think this is really important. But this idea of closure and, as you know, I'm a coach, so I really do a lot of thought work. I do a lot of work with emotions but the idea of closure really is just a thought, right, and a thought that says I need something outside of me to change before I can feel better. It's never true, okay.
Speaker 2:So what if you decided right now that you don't need closure? What if you decided that you can feel peace without having all the answers? It's such a shift. But here's the thing we get to choose the story we tell ourselves about our loss and we get to choose the story we tell others right. And if we tell ourselves about our loss and we get to choose the story we tell others, right. And if we tell ourselves I can't move on until I understand why we stay stuck, if we tell ourselves, I can grieve and live fully. At the same time, we create this space where we are healing, but we're also making progress. Okay, you don't need closure, you just need to decide how you want to think about your loss in a way that serves you. Okay. So here's the takeaway Closure really isn't necessary.
Speaker 2:It's not even real. What we truly want is peace, and peace comes from how we choose to think about our loss. Instead of seeking closure, you want to ask yourself am I waiting for answers that won't actually change my pain? You may want to ask yourself how can I allow myself to grieve without needing to wrap it up? Or you could ask yourself what meaning can I create from my loss? Or, lastly, how can I think about this in a way that brings me peace right now?
Speaker 2:I think these questions are great. They're good ones to ask ourselves, because here's the thing this isn't about forgetting. It's about allowing yourself to live fully while carrying this grief with you. All right, friends, thank you so much for being here today. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it and remember closure isn't the goal, okay, living with love, meaning and purpose is. So until next time, I will see you in the next episode and take care and know I love you and I care for you, and you just keep on moving forward. Thanks for listening. Bye-bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also, check out survived-to-thrivecom for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.