Survived to Thrive Podcast

Episode 106: The Power of Planning For The Future.

• Amy Miller • Season 1 • Episode 106

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We explore the healing power of making future plans after suicide loss, demonstrating how looking forward can create purpose and stability while honoring our grief journey. Planning isn't about forgetting our loved ones but choosing to live fully despite loss, integrating our grief into a meaningful future.

• Grief after suicide loss often leaves survivors feeling stuck in survival mode, resistant to planning ahead
• Moving forward doesn't mean moving on—it means integrating grief while still choosing to live fully
• Planning trips or experiences provides something positive to anticipate, helping lift grief's heaviness
• Celebrations and milestone dates offer opportunities to honor loved ones' memories in meaningful ways
• Career changes or personal goals often emerge as survivors recognize life's brevity and seek greater purpose
• Start with small plans like a weekend getaway or dinner with friends to build momentum
• Remember David Kessler's wisdom: "Healing doesn't mean the loss didn't happen. It means it no longer controls your life"

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Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Speaker 1:

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

Speaker 2:

You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 106, the Power of Planning for the Future. Hey friends, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much. If you are a survivor of suicide loss, you are in the right spot. So today, as I'm recording this podcast, I've been doing some batch recording because I'm going to be heading out of town here in a little bit and it is a rainy day here in Arizona. We've not had any rain for so long, so it just feels so nice to get some rain and it just really I really love it. You know, I used to live in the Pacific Northwest and we used to get rain all of the time, and that was one of the main reasons why I moved to the state of Arizona, so that I could get more sunshine. And now I have learned to appreciate some of these rainy days because we need the moisture and it just feels good, it cleans out the air, so I'm really loving it. I hope you're all doing well. Thank you so much for being here. If you are a survivor of suicide loss, you are in the right spot.

Speaker 2:

This podcast is meant for those of you who have lost loved ones to suicide, and I just really want to help survivors get on the path, moving forward as they have to grapple with loss due to suicide, because I feel like so many survivors feel very stuck in grief and feel stuck in the unanswered questions and guilt and shame and all of the things. And I just want you to know that you don't have to stay stuck. Okay, this is not your destiny. This is not where you're meant to be. You're not meant to stay stuck because you had to deal with this experience. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to the loved one you lost, it's not fair to you, it's not fair to the loved one you lost, it's not fair to the other people in your life. And I just want to let you know that you don't have to and you have permission to heal and move forward. And I think sometimes we don't give ourselves the permission to do those things for ourselves, even though it is so needed. So consider this your permission to do it for ourselves, even though it is so needed. So consider this your permission to do it. All right, friends.

Speaker 2:

So today I really wanted to dive into this idea of planning for the future and I think that most of us, as survivors of suicide loss can feel overwhelmed right, about the idea of looking to the future because grief is still present, right, and just the idea of planning ahead without our loved one. There can really be an overwhelming, sad thing to process, and I just want you to know that I see you, I feel you, I know you, I've been there, I know what that's like. But I really want you to know that I see you, I feel you, I know you, I've been there, I know what that's like. But I really want to talk about how important planning for the future is and how making future plans whether for trips, celebrations, career aspirations or personal goals can be a powerful, powerful tool for our healing process. Okay, so I just want you to know there is hope in moving forward. And also I want to put a little side note on this is that moving forward doesn't mean forgetting. It just means choosing to live fully despite the loss, and this is what we're going to focus on today, okay, so in this first part of this podcast episode, I really want to discuss why the future feels uncertain after loss.

Speaker 2:

Okay, a lot of times we're dealing with a lot of feelings, of feeling stuck in our grief, right, we're really struggling sometimes to even see beyond the next day, let alone next week or next month or next year, right. So a lot of times we just feel like we're surviving minute by minute and moment by moment, and the circumstances and the situations that were leading up to the day that she died, it felt like there was just more and more punches in the gut, you know where. It just felt like I was being enveloped in this large wave of grief that was swallowing me whole and I felt like I was just in survival mode, right. And I think, for a lot of survivors, when we're learning things and we're starting to deal with additional things that come up we're dealing with personal belongings, we're dealing with finding out secrets that they may have had, we're dealing with learning about different conversations that they had, and we're learning from investigators and we're getting autopsy reports and toxicology reports, and we're getting all these things right, and it just seems to add and add and add and add, and so our brain does not want to be thinking about anything beyond what we're dealing with, because we're in a trauma experience, right, and our grieving brain is really resisting doing anything else because we are in the midst of it, right.

Speaker 2:

But what tends to happen is, as we move forward, as time goes on and we're finding these answers and we're dealing with all the things that we're finding out and time goes on, a lot of times we find ourselves staying stuck in this PTSD, right, and our grieving brain really resists us planning for the future because we're still expecting and still wanting this person we lost to be there, right, and we're also grappling with a lot of emotions and feelings with it all. We're feeling guilty with making plans and we often grapple with the question if we're moving on too soon, right, and this comes up and it's real and it's something that we're dealing with and facing. But I just wanna say that there are ways for us to shift our perspective from moving on to moving with grief. That can change the way we approach our futures, okay. So I wanna talk about why it is powerful to plan. Okay, now, when you have something to look forward to, it can give the brain a sense of purpose and stability. When we're planning a trip, when we're planning a career move, when we're planning education, when we're planning an event or a get together, right, it gives our brain this sense of purpose. Okay, I remember after losing my sister.

Speaker 2:

One of the things that really kind of helped me to get on the trajectory towards healing was thinking about a place that I've always wanted to go, which at the time was Hawaii. I hadn't ever been to Hawaii before and it was a place I really wanted to go to and it was kind of the first step really for me to get on this path of healing. I felt most of my days were spent ruminating, thinking, crying, feeling sad, isolating myself and all of the things that you do when you're in grief. But it was this idea of planning for this trip that really kind of helped me to step outside of this grief experience. I was swallowed up by into something that I actually kind of looked forward to. Now, I'm not saying that I didn't grapple with some of the ideas of grief of like the guilt part is what I'm trying to say where you kind of feel guilty that you know, should I be kind of excited for this? You do ask yourself those things, right, but when I started planning this trip, I started to feel like I could see some light. Right, I could see some hope, maybe just from booking the airfare to planning the place we're going to stay the island. We were going to some of the things that we, you know, wanted to see and some of the things we wanted to do, and I started to feel some of the heaviness of all of the grief I was experienced, gently lift and it's huge, right.

Speaker 2:

And you know, I think you know when we're going through some really difficult traumatic experiences, you know we kind of go into this emotional thing. Where we're really emotional, we're really thinking about all of the loss and we're we're really our brains are kind of one track right. We're really thinking about all of the loss and we're really our brains are kind of one tract right. We're just really focused on it. And when we divert that divert, you know, that path that we're on and to give ourselves a glimpse of a possible detour of that path, to take us somewhere where we actually want to go, as opposed to towards where we really don't want to end up, right, it really is super helpful. One of the things I want to talk about and I think is really important is this concept of emotional adulthood, right, this is where we get to choose how we want to feel and what we want to create in our lives, even after loss.

Speaker 2:

Okay, now, this isn't to say that planning means ignoring grief. It actually allows room for both healing and hope. Okay, and there's been so many studies that show that this anticipation of positive events can boost our mental health and I don't know about you, but when you're in the deep trenches of grief, anticipation of positive events are really going to help us to climb out of that deep trench. It's really impactful and helpful in boosting healthy mental health. Okay Now, all right, so I want to talk about planning trips and creating new experiences. I've already mentioned to you that I thought about. You know what I told you about my plan to Hawaii.

Speaker 2:

Right, but it truly can be an intentional way to heal. You're stepping outside of your routine, you're gaining fresh perspectives, you're reconnecting with yourself. You know, like, when I think about that trip that I took, it wasn't, you know, it was about maybe about a year after my sister passed, maybe a little less, and you know I really did take that time to really reconnect with myself. There was something about being by the ocean that really allowed that space for me to do that and to spend some time in the jungle. We did an excursion in the jungle and it just really something about being there in that climate, in that air, with the ocean, breeze, and just being with nature was really transformative for me. But it does really help you to reconnect with yourself, right.

Speaker 2:

But it doesn't necessarily have to be a trip. It can just be an experience, right. It could be like a solo retreat. It could be a grief specific retreat, right. It could be even visiting places that held meaning with your loved one. So if there was, like a favorite hiking spot that you used to go to with your loved one, that could be very healing and it could be something very helpful and impactful for you. Or you could even visit just maybe even plan to visit just a specific restaurant. It doesn't even have to be anywhere, really that far. It could be just a place that maybe it was your loved one's favorite place to go, or maybe their favorite spot to grab a cup of tea or something. Just go, do something, plan something that can just kind of step yourself out of your normal routines. It's really helpful in moving forward after our losses, okay.

Speaker 2:

Another thing I want to talk about is planning celebrations, you know, and we can do this in a way that really honors life and love. Okay, I know that there's a lot of emotional weight when it comes to milestones like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, after loss. In fact, I've I've done some podcast episodes on this very topic, so you're welcome to go back and listen to some of those podcast episodes. But you know, when we're dealing with these milestones, like our loved one's birthday, you know it can be, you know, something that can really have an impact on us and it can actually be a way to honor them. I know for my sister I really wanted to honor the life that she lived on her birthday and my sister she was so amazing at helping and being there for other people. She just had this loving, huge, giving heart. It really manifested in the way she lived her life, in the courage that she chose, and so I used her birthday to to host at my community park with a group, a team that I work with at my community park, and we fundraised money for suicide prevention, and it was so transformative for me and I loved it so much that I planned it for the next year. However, covid happened that following year and so I knew that we wouldn't be able to make that happen, even though we had it all planned. But then the following year we were able to do it again.

Speaker 2:

So you know, and it doesn't even have to be anything like that, it could be something different. It could be as simple as going on a walk in remembrance. It could be, you know, just going to a spot to read a book and you know, maybe their favorite spot, maybe it's making a cake for them. I know some survivors. They feel like that. That's really helpful. They gather friends together and they talk about and reminisce about their favorite memories.

Speaker 2:

You know positive things about the person that they've lost, things like that. So you know, those are some things that you can do. You know, here's the thing with celebrations it's not really to erase the grief, but really just to weave their memory into the celebration. And so, you know, even maybe at Christmas time, you could light a candle or you could make a donation, right, you can incorporate traditions that honor your person, right? Or you could just create new traditions that bring connection and joy with you know the other survivors in your life who've also survived the same loss. There's so many different ways and there's really no right and there's no wrong way to do it. Okay, the next thing I want to talk about is planning career aspirations and personal goals, because sometimes grief can bring a reevaluation of life and career goals right.

Speaker 2:

Maybe you've been in this job that you just hated forever and now you're seeing that life is short and you shouldn't be in a job you hate anymore, okay, so setting career or personal growth goals can be very empowering, whether it's a new job or a creative project or going back to school, okay, and really just finding something that actually gets you a little bit excited again about the possibility of the future. Sometimes that career move is important and almost essential. Have you noticed that after you have lost your loved one, some of the people that you've been around, you're a little bit more hypersensitive to the energy that they carry with them, around with them, and we're noticing more how it impacts us in our daily lives, right, and I think that after we lose a loved one that we care so much about and we see how these people that we have in our lives are impacting us maybe in a negative way, we kind of recognize and learn that maybe we don't want this anymore. And a lot of times people are in this situation in their work environments and so it really starts to create this idea of doing a job change, right? And you know, sometimes it just propels us to take action, you know, despite the fear or doubt of taking that action, because we're recognizing how valuable time is, how important our time is and how important it is to surround ourselves with people that help to put us in a positive space as opposed to a negative space. So you know, I want you to consider that.

Speaker 2:

The other thing that I think comes up for a lot of survivors and I think is important to mention here, is that sometimes we're in these jobs or these careers where we just feel like it's mundane, right, we feel like it's not really our purpose, and sometimes, in our grief, experience and after going through all of that, we realize we want to do something where we feel more purpose right, and we want to be able to do something that may have more of an impact in the world or that could even possibly honor our loved one's legacy right, and so these are all things that are important in planning when we're talking about moving forward in loss. So here's my closing thoughts on all of this. I just want you to know that making future plans is not about leaving grief behind. It's about integrating it while still choosing to live fully, okay. And I also want to say take small steps, plan something simple, like a weekend getaway, a dinner with friends or writing down a goal for the next month. Okay, and I also want you to know that you deserve joy, you deserve connection and a future filled with meaning, and you get to decide what you want for your future. And not only do you get to decide it, but you can go for it and you can start feeling emotions that are more exciting, more positive than this grief trench you find yourselves in.

Speaker 2:

Okay, one quote I want to share with you, which is an affirmation that David Kessler has said. He says healing doesn't mean the loss didn't happen. It means it no longer controls your life. And that's so true. You don't have to be stuck. You can move forward. You can actually start making decisions. You can put yourself in a position to plan and make plans for future goals, future trips, future career changes, future educational goals, whatever it is, and I'm telling you it's so powerful in our healing journey. So I really hope you start making some plans and, again, just start out small. Just do something small and try it out, because you'll see what an impact it makes in your own life. Okay, friends, thank you so much for listening. If you really like this podcast episode. Please share it with someone who needs to hear it. And just remember I love you all and I will talk to you next time. Bye-bye.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also check out survived-to-thrivecom for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.