Survived to Thrive Podcast

Episode 110: When Divorce Is On The Horizon

• Amy Miller • Season 1 • Episode 110

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Suicide loss fundamentally changes who we are, and sometimes these changes lead couples down divergent paths that can end in divorce. The aftermath of suicide often exposes existing fractures in relationships or creates new challenges as each partner processes grief differently.

• Double grief occurs when navigating both suicide loss and the end of a marriage
• Common struggles include blame, different grieving styles, emotional shutdown, and resentment
• Grief acts as a portal that exposes what we can no longer pretend about in relationships
• Divorce won't fix grief or take away the pain of suicide loss
• Important to distinguish between wanting distance from your partner versus distance from your pain
• Those initiating divorce should ensure they're making decisions from clarity, not crisis
• Those being left need permission to grieve this second loss fully
• Endings can create sacred space for rebuilding and rediscovery
• You can honor your loved one who died and still create a meaningful life after divorce
• You're allowed to hold both grief and growth in the same hand

If today's episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs it. You can also subscribe, leave a review, or reach out through my website or social media for more support.


As always, thanks for listening!

We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."

Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Speaker 1:

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

Speaker 2:

You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 110, when divorce isce is on the Horizon After Suicide Loss. Hey friends, welcome to the podcast. This is Amy Miller, I'm your host, and this podcast is the show for those navigating life after losing a loved one to suicide, and today we're going to be talking about something that I consider to be tender, complicated and more common than you even might think, and that is when divorce is on the horizon after suicide loss. Now, if you've lost someone to suicide and your marriage is struggling or ending or really really in a bad place, you're not alone. Okay, and this episode is with you in mind. It is you who are not only dealing with the ending of a marriage. Or maybe your marriage has already ended and you're just going through the beginning stages of the divorce, or maybe you are wondering and considering if divorce is the right option.

Speaker 2:

This episode is for you and my hope is to bring light language and grace into that space for you because, let's face it, this is not a topic that's easy to talk about, and I think most people want to avoid it, especially if you've gone through a very significant loss. Maybe you are a couple who has lost their child together. Maybe you are a couple who one of you has lost somebody that was closer to the other partner than the other. For example, for me I lost my sister and my husband just wasn't as close to my sister as I was, and so sometimes it really can become a real difficult for the other spouse to navigate in those situations. And you know, this really is something that comes up a lot for individuals who are trying to navigate the aftermath of loss. So let's just start this topic by validating what this really is. Right, it's a double grief because, frankly, suicide loss cracks open your life, right, it shakes the foundation of your identity and your beliefs and your relationships and in the aftermath you're not the same right, and I don't know if you even want to be the same as you were before, because it changes you and the truth is your partner is no longer the same. It changes them, right, and sometimes you grow apart in the grief and sometimes you grieve in such different ways. It becomes very disconnecting and it can be challenging and it can be hard to communicate and sometimes unresolved issues that you had in the marriage prior to the loss are amplified under this weight of tragedy and sometimes you just can't take it anymore, and it's not really because you didn't love each other, but sometimes the grief was just too heavy to carry together.

Speaker 2:

David Kessler, who I just adore and I think is an amazing speaker and individual who has studied and talks about grief in all that he does. He talks about how grief exposes everything, right, not just pain, but also clarity. And the truth is, you see what matters really, right, and you see what isn't working right, and you see what isn't working. And sometimes what's revealed when you're going through this time of clarity after you've lost someone to suicide, is that your relationship is struggling, right, and you wonder if this relationship can survive, the version of you that this loss created. And the truth is, this is not really a thing of failure, right, it's not weakness, this is just grief doing what grief does, and that changes things. Okay.

Speaker 2:

So let's talk about some of the common struggles in grieving couples that I think are really important to put a name to, and especially after losing a loved one to suicide, and I'm specifically thinking about individuals, couples who have lost a child, I'm thinking about couples who have lost their parent or who have lost somebody that was super close to the family in a way. And I'm also speaking to those of you who have lost maybe siblings or other close family members, or even your spouse or your partner. So really this kind of covers most people who lose a loved one to suicide, but it does really put a damper on the relationship only because you know you're trying to navigate this experience, but you're also navigating the changes that you're going through and you're navigating this new identity right. So here are some of the common struggles. The first one is blame or guilt, because here's the truth even unspoken blame can create distance. So I find this especially true with those who are navigating the loss of their child. And a lot of times when a partner is grieving, sometimes they either are, a blaming themselves for the loss, or, b they're blaming their partner, or C a little of both, where they're blaming themselves and their partner. Right, and this can really create some distance between the two.

Speaker 2:

Another common struggle is different grieving styles. One wants to talk, then the other one wants to shut down right, this is a very common scenario. And the other one wants to shut down right, this is a very common scenario. I found this with myself. I was very much a talker. I wanted to talk things through as I was dealing with my loss of my sister, and my husband is more of an introverted and likes to process internally, so he wasn't really communicating what he was thinking and what he was feeling. And sometimes these different grieving styles can feel very disconnecting, right, while one needs solitude, the other one wants more connection and sometimes they just don't match up together.

Speaker 2:

Another common struggle is emotional shutdown right, where some partners become emotionally unavailable, not really out of malice but self-preservation, because they're really trying to make sense of this senseless thing they've experienced and it's really hard for them to really make sense of the emotions and the thoughts that they're thinking and they just kind of shut down right and they can't really do life like they did before. And this can feel very what's the word? Very, very disconnecting and very troubling for the partner right, because they haven't seen this side of their person before. Or maybe they have seen this side but you know they don't really quite know how to deal with it or how they fit in this picture when this partner of theirs has emotionally become unavailable. Another one is resentment over who's coping better or who's checked out right. Sometimes, you know there's just different.

Speaker 2:

I speak to this so much where every individual who has experienced grief they're going to experience it in their own unique way. And when you are dealing with a loss and your partner might be coping, it seems to you that they're coping better, maybe they're getting back to their responsibility in their jobs and they're moving forward, and you still feel pretty stuck in real sadness or depression or anger or whatever it is, and it's not easy to not feel a little bit resentful of that right, because you're wondering why in the world are they moving forward so quickly and you're not? And there's a lot of judgment that comes to the surface. Maybe you're judging your partner for them moving on too quickly, or maybe you're judging yourselves for being stuck for too long, and this also can feel disconnecting and challenging. Another one is changes in identity. Okay, this is when one person seems to be transformed by grief and the other can't follow or accept that transformation.

Speaker 2:

Sometimes, when we go through and experience a tragedy like this and it becomes a part of our very being and our character and we do something with it, maybe we take it to a different level, maybe we utilize it to do some good, to be an activist or to really involve themselves in nonprofits or suicide awareness groups or things like that, while the other one just can't stomach it. And it's just very challenging because sometimes people do transform by the grief and they become actually a better version of themselves, which leads them back to some sort of resentment towards the person who is coping in this way. So, with all of that said and with all of these things that I see they're very common struggles for couples, these are really not signs that your love wasn't real, but these are signs that the foundation of your relationship is truly being tested, and not every foundation can hold under this weight. One of the things I teach as a life coach is that our pain does not come from circumstances, but from our thoughts about them, and sometimes this thought is a lingering. Common thought for so many survivors is that we should have been able to survive this together. Okay, and then we feel really bad because, you know, our marriage is struggling and our relationship is real challenged and we think what is wrong with us and what is what wrong with our relationship? Maybe we didn't love each other enough and we begin to question that right, but what if the truth is, we survived as long as we could, and now we both need different paths to keep healing. And I think this is a real, honest and good question because, again, as I have reiterated in prior podcasts and I've touched on it on this podcast, each of us grieve in our own unique way. Right, and sometimes we have to go on our different path towards our healing, and that's okay, and sometimes that doesn't mean there's anything wrong and that doesn't mean that our marriage is broken.

Speaker 2:

Okay, now I want to talk and touch on the role of grief in relationships and relationship clarity. Okay, so I like to tell my people that I help coach is that grief is a portal, right, and it often shows us what we can no longer pretend about. And here's the hard but liberating truth. Suicide loss or grief, or loss in general, doesn't cause a divorce. It often exposes the fractures that were already there, or it makes you realize you want more or different, or peace. Okay, might have stayed together in the loss. You know, regardless of the loss, that hadn't happened. But then maybe again, maybe you wouldn't have. Okay, grief removes the filter. It makes you brave in ways you didn't ask for wouldn't have. Okay, grief removes the filter. It makes you brave in ways you didn't ask for. So if divorce is on the horizon, you need to ask yourself is this relationship still safe and supportive for who I am now? Am I staying out of loyalty or fear or guilt, and what would? What would future me, the healed version of me, want? And you're allowed to grieve the person you lost and also grieve the end of your marriage. You're allowed to evolve, okay.

Speaker 2:

Now, before we go any further, I want to gently pause here and speak to those of you who are thinking about ending your marriage, but might be doing it for reasons that won't actually bring healing, because I think this is really important. Sometimes, after suicide, loss, the pain is so unbearable that we start looking for something or someone to blame, and we want control, we want relief, we want to make the suffering stop and divorce can start to look like an escape hatch. But here's the hard truth Divorce won't fix grief, okay, and I think it's really important that you understand that. It won't take away the anger, guilt or numbness. It won't answer the unanswerable questions. It won't fill the hole left behind.

Speaker 2:

So ask yourself with love, am I seeking distance from my partner or from my pain? Do I want out because it's broken or because I'm broken right now. Am I trying to punish them for how they're grieving or not grieving? Or Maybe I need to be a little bit more patient and understand? They're grieving in their own way and ask yourself would I still want this divorce if I wasn't in such a dark emotional place? I think this is so important and this is truly, truly, truly about taking on emotional adulthood. Okay, it's taking responsibility for our own experience, and grief gives us a real good excuse and can be very tempting for us to forget that. Okay, so it can turn us into reactors instead of reflectors.

Speaker 2:

So, if you're thinking about divorce, make sure you're not asking your marriage to carry pain that's meant to be processed within you. I know, I know it's really really difficult to to accept that, but I think it's so important to really be honest about this. Sometimes what you need isn't divorce. Sometimes what you need is therapy or rest or space, or a way to feel heard, held and human again. Divorce might be the right decision, but it should never be a decision made from a place of emotional crisis or avoidance, because grief clouds your thinking. So take your time, get quiet, make sure you're not trying to leave your partner just to outrun your pain.

Speaker 2:

Okay, now I want to speak to those of you if you have made the decision and you're the one leaving, so I really want to just talk to you who are initiating the divorce. You might feel guilt, you might feel shame, others may not understand, but listen, leaving doesn't mean you didn't love. Leaving means you're choosing to live, grow or to honor your healing path. If it's the right decision and if you're doing this from a good emotional space, okay. I always want to reiterate that, because divorce is not an answer to our problems. Okay, sometimes they need to happen, but I don't want you to just fall back on that. Okay. But I also want to say that if you have chosen and you like your reasons, right then. I think it's a great time for you to give yourself a lot of compassion and love and understanding, because here's the thing Other people don't have to understand your decisions. You just have to like your reasons. And if your reason is peace, growth, authenticity, that's enough. You don't have to stay in a relationship that no longer fits you just because you experienced tragedy together. Just remember that the chapter you shared is sacred, but the rest of your book is still yours to write.

Speaker 2:

Now I want to speak to those of you who are the ones being left and there's many of you, I know, and I just want you to listen really closely to this. You may feel abandoned, you may feel rejected, you may feel betrayed. You may feel rejected. You may feel betrayed, especially in your grief. Maybe you thought surviving this together would mean staying together. Okay, here's what I want to say to you, with all the tenderness in the world this isn't the end of your story. It's the end of a chapter. You didn't ask to close and that makes it harder, but you will write new chapters.

Speaker 2:

Let yourself grieve the second loss. Okay, let yourself scream, cry journal rage. This is not your fault. You are not unworthy. You are being redirected, not erased. You are allowed to fall apart and you're allowed to rise when you're ready, and I think it's really important to understand this.

Speaker 2:

Okay, now I want to talk to those of you who are already divorced, because I think this is really important. Divorce after suicide loss can feel like a cruel extra blow, but here's the secret no one tells you. Endings can be sacred. Endings can create space space for rebuilding your life, for rediscovering your voice your voice for reconnecting with who you are outside of the pain, okay.

Speaker 2:

And I think that there are some times where we wonder and we think a lot about the marriage and about what led up to the divorce, and we wonder if there was something we could have done differently, if we could have changed things, if we would have done this or said this right. And it sounds a lot like the same thing we put ourselves through when we lose someone to suicide. Okay, where we're doing the coulda, shoulda, wouldas, right, and I think it's really important to understand. This is definitely a part of the grief process. But I want to tell you is I want you to stop blaming yourself, to stop carrying a marriage that didn't carry you back, to stop waiting for permission to choose joy again. You can honor your loved one who died and still create a beautiful, meaningful life with or without your spouse. You can hold grief and growth in the same hand. You're not broken, you're becoming Okay, and I think this is important for us to note and to really impress upon us in our hearts. Thanks, friends, for so much for spending this time with me.

Speaker 2:

If your marriage is ending after suicide loss, you're allowed to grieve it fully. You're allowed to feel angry, relieved, heartbroken, confused, sometimes all at once. It's all part of the grieving process, right? You're not alone, you're not failing. You're navigating one of the hardest things a human can go through, and you still show up for life. If today's episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs it and if you'd like some support, invite you to subscribe or leave a review or reach out through my website or social media. Until next time, be gentle with yourself. You're doing the brave work of healing. I appreciate you all. I love you all.

Speaker 1:

And I can't wait to speak to you next week Until thenu-thrivecom, for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.