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Survived to Thrive Podcast
A podcast designed for survivors of suicide loss. This podcast explores the unique grief experiences that accompany a loved ones death due to suicide, shares insights on how your brain processes this kind of loss, and offers worthwhile and valuable tips you can start today to gain a more joyful and fulfilling life even though your loved one died.
Survived to Thrive Podcast
Episode 112: How to find friends that support you and get it!
Friendship becomes a complicated landscape to navigate after losing someone to suicide. That steady ground of connection we once took for granted suddenly shifts beneath our feet as we discover who can truly handle the weight of our grief and who cannot. What's particularly jarring is how the people we expected would be our rocks often disappear, while unlikely sources of support emerge from unexpected corners of our lives.
Grief performs a strange alchemy on our relationships. It transforms casual acquaintances into lifelines and sometimes turns lifelong friends into strangers. This happens not because your friends don't care, but because grief creates a vulnerability that many people simply aren't equipped to handle. We live in a society that remains largely grief-illiterate, where discomfort with emotional pain makes many retreat rather than draw closer when confronted with someone else's raw suffering.
The signs of truly supportive friendship become unmistakably clear in contrast to those who inadvertently cause more harm. Real support never attempts to "fix" your grief or rush you through it. It listens without judgment, even when your emotions seem contradictory or overwhelming. It allows space for both your silence and your stories, letting you talk about your loved one freely—both the beautiful memories and the painful realities of their struggles. Genuinely supportive friends often say simply, "I don't know what to say, but I'm here," acknowledging their limitations while promising their presence.
Finding these people might require looking in new places: grief support groups specifically for suicide loss survivors, coaching communities familiar with grief work, volunteering with suicide prevention organizations, or even curated online spaces where grief is discussed openly. Taking that first step—sending that message, joining that group, or saying yes to an invitation—might feel impossible some days, but connection waits on the other side of that courage.
Sometimes the most healing step is setting boundaries with those who cannot meet you in your grief. Clear communication about what you need (or don't need) gives relationships the chance to adapt, but also gives you permission to step away from connections that demand you shrink your grief to make others comfortable. Your story matters, your grief matters, and so does your need for connection with people who can witness all of it without flinching.
As always, thanks for listening!
We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."
Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/
Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com
You are listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.
Speaker 2:You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 112, how to Find Friends that Support you and Get it. Hey there, friends, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today. All right, so this is my second video for my YouTube channel. So excited I've been recording these on video. This is my second one I've recorded.
Speaker 2:This is a new platform for me, so I am learning as I go and, of course, there's always hiccups and things that don't work right, and so thank you so much for your patience as I'm trying to navigate this new media streaming platform. But my hope is is that the YouTube channel will grow and spread more awareness for survivors of suicide loss so that they know that they have a place they can go, where there are conversations and talk about topics that are very relevant to you or your friends, so that other people can also find me and find this resource as a support as they're navigating suicide loss. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Now, if you haven't done so already, please go to my website at wwwsurvive-to-thrivecom and there you can subscribe, and I will be sending some information on this YouTube channel as soon as I get it launched. It is not available to the public as of yet, but it will be shortly. So if you subscribe there, you'll be the first to know when I get it launched so that you can start sharing it. First to know when I get it launched so that you can start sharing it.
Speaker 2:All right, with all that said, let's get into this topic about friends and friendship and how to find friends that support you and get it. And you know, I think a lot of us, as survivors of suicide loss, have this come up for us as we're trying to navigate the complexities where we wonder where our friends went. Now I did a whole podcast episode on this very topic, on where our friends went. Now I did a whole podcast episode on this very topic, on where our friends go when we lose someone to suicide that I highly recommend you go back and listen to if you can. It will really shed some light on why things change in our friendships. But, for the sake of this podcast episode, I just want to touch on a few of those reasons so that we can really discuss on how to find friends that support you and get it, even if our friends that we currently have do not support you and they do not get it. Okay, all right. So I want to talk about why friendships shift after suicide loss.
Speaker 2:All right, so I want to talk about why friendships shift after suicide loss. The first reason is because, after suicide loss, many survivors find themselves in this strange and painful place and we find ourselves showing that, seeing that people that we thought would show up for us don't, and the people that we never even thought would be there for us, suddenly come out of the woodwork and they become lifelines for us. And this is very common for survivors of suicide loss. And we wonder why. And the number one reason I think is important for us to understand is because grief reveals okay, grief just has this way of revealing so much. It reveals how we think about ourselves, how we view the world, how we view our friendships, how we view our relationships, how we view our spirituality, how we think about the way that we navigate in this world, the way that we prioritize and what we prioritize. And it reveals so much when we go through the experience of grief, and what I find for a lot of survivors is it reveals who is capable to walk with us through this grief journey and who is not. And while this process can be painful, it also is very clarifying, and I think it's really important to gain clarity on friendship. Okay, all right.
Speaker 2:The second reason is because grief creates vulnerability. Okay, we find ourselves going into this very deep vulnerable place and I think the majority of us understand or at least maybe not even on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level that when we're vulnerable, it creates connection, right, and sometimes, when we're in our most vulnerable state and we find that that connection isn't happening with our friends, then it is painful, right, and we can tell that something is shifting, something is changing, something is not the same and we wonder why this is because a lot of times, these people are our ride and die people. These people are the people that we've been there for them, right, and now suddenly we're going through this experience and we find that they are not there for us like we would hope. Okay, and that's okay, all right. It's just, sometimes people are just not in a space where they're able to do it, where they're not capable. Maybe they're going through their own stuff, maybe there's things that are going on in their own personal lives that maybe we don't even know about. That's making them really struggle with trying to be there for you more or to connect with you more or to help you as you navigate this deep, intense grief trench that you find yourselves in.
Speaker 2:Okay, the third reason I want to touch on and really the last one I really want to touch on is that sometimes this burden of suicide, loss, grief, is just too uncomfortable for them. Maybe this touches on something that they don't really want to talk about. Maybe they don't feel comfortable with talking about grief period. I mean, let's face it, we live in a society where grief is just one of those things that people don't really want to talk about, and that's okay. That's okay Sometimes, certain topics we don't want to talk about, and so it's okay if they don't really want to talk about or deal with grief. But the truth is we live in a society that's grief illiterate. We've been conditioned to not really spend a lot of time or take a lot of time in the grief realm. Right, we are only allotted a certain number of days for grief and, as we all know, grief can take years. Right, and sometimes, and for most of us, we're going to be carrying some of that grief with us for the rest of our lives, and so there's really no expiration date on grief yet People that haven't gone through it may not quite understand that.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I think these are kind of the top. I think these are the three top reasons why friendships tend to shift when we're going through grief. Okay, so, with that being said and again I want to reiterate that this is not an all, it's not a thorough list, so go back, listen to that other podcast episode, because I think it's really enlightening to help you understand why friendships change, why we lose our friends and why we wonder where they went. So, with that said, let's talk about what support really looks like, and I think this is important to understand it, because sometimes we don't even know. Sometimes we think maybe the way that our friends are behaving or acting or you know, or the way that they are, is what support looks like. Right, and maybe it's not, or maybe it is. So I really want to talk about what it really looks like.
Speaker 2:The first one is supportive friends do not try to fix you. They don't try to change how you're viewing this experience of suicide loss. They're not trying to give you their opinions. They're not trying to fix it Okay, they're just allowing it to be Okay. This is the first sign that it is a supportive friend. The second one is that they listen without judgment. How many of you feel like you know these friendships that you have. Maybe you don't feel very safe to share all of your emotions and feelings because you're afraid that they're going to be judging you, that they're going to form opinions and things like that. A true supportive friend will listen without judgment. They'll let you cry, they'll let you yell, they'll let you think what you're going to think, feel what you're going to feel, and there's just not going to be judgment there. Okay, the third sign of a really supportive friend is that they let you talk about your person, whether that be talking bad about them, talking good about them, talking about all the nitty gritty, dirty details, talking about the suicide, but also allowing you to talk about the memories and the good things that you remember about your person, and they just allow you to do it. They just don't interrupt, they don't try to dismiss it, they don't try to say dismissive responses. They just allow you to talk about them.
Speaker 2:Another quality of a supportive friend is that they're all okay with your silence. They just let you be quiet, they let you not talk. They let you be introspective. They allow you to talk about something else. You just don't really want to talk about it and they're okay with it, right? Or they're okay with you just kind of going cold on them for a little bit. Maybe you just need some time and space away from people in general, because you're just processing things and they're okay with it. They're not always badgering you and wondering what's wrong and really like calling you incessantly because you're not returning their phone calls or you're not returning their texts or whatever. They just allow you to be silent. Another good quality of a supportive friend is they'll say things like I don't know what to say, but I'm here. It's like they acknowledge that they don't know how to support you, but that they want to, that they want to be there for you, that they want to support you in the best way that they possibly can, and so they'll be there for you. They'll listen to you, they'll be that shoulder to cry on, they'll be the person to vent to and they'll be the person to call in the middle of the night things like that. These are signs that this friend is supportive.
Speaker 2:Okay, now how do we find these people? Let's talk about that, okay. The first one is I think you have to look in the right places, and a few places to start is grief support groups for suicide loss survivors. Let's face it, sometimes finding someone who's gone through it is what you need, okay. You just need that person who has gone through this experience, who has been through suicide grief. They know firsthand what you're going through. They'll understand it. Now, while your grief will probably not look exactly like theirs, they're going to understand a lot of the same common feelings and emotions that a lot of survivors of suicide loss go through, and it can be so helpful. I've known of survivors who have found their very best friends, who've gone through the same grief, who have developed amazing relationships with people that they never thought that they would ever have a relationship with because of the loss that they've experienced, and the camaraderie and the ability to have conversations and deep dives into this type of grief. I think it's really helpful. So, whether it's in person or online, these groups are filled with people who already understand your world and you don't have to explain the why or justify your tears. You're among those who already just know, and I think it can be very helpful.
Speaker 2:Your coaching communities. As you know, I'm a coach. I support survivors of suicide loss. That's what I do. Maybe you want to go through therapy. Many coaches are trained in grief and many coach group programs or retreats. There's these places and connections where we can go and you know these connections and growth go hand in hand when you're able to have somebody look at the way that you're thinking and viewing things you know from an outside perspective, but by someone who really understands and knows grief. So I highly recommend that.
Speaker 2:Another place you can find people who get it is through volunteering or advocacy in suicide prevention. Giving back can introduce you to people with shared passion and shared pain and so like. If you're maybe volunteering with suicide prevention, I know here in Arizona there's a La Frontera Suicide Prevention. They're probably the biggest organization here. They go into schools. You can volunteer with them. You can volunteer for like 5Ks and the fundraisers and things like that Just anything that you can do. It's going to put you in places where other survivors are going to be there that really get what you're going through and you can make new connections and new relationships with these people. Make new connections and new relationships with these people.
Speaker 2:Another place is curating your social media feed. Follow people and communities who talk openly about grief, trauma, healing and authenticity, and then engage. Sometimes online friendships evolve into deep real-world bonds. There's a lot of survivors of suicide loss groups on Facebook. I'm a part of many of those. I a lot of times like to just offer words of encouragement and wisdom that I think will be helpful, and you know you can really make some deep connections with a lot of these people in these type of groups, so I think that's important. One of the things I really want to encourage you to do is just to take the first step.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it's hard to take the first step, but if you want connection, it may mean sending that message or signing up for a group or saying yes when you'd rather stay in bed. Sometimes we feel like we want support but we're not doing anything to go and get it. Or we want people in our life, we want friendships, but we're not doing anything. And if we're staying in our beds all day, if we're scrolling our socials, if we're watching and binge-watching Netflix and we're not calling and we're not doing and we're not signing up and we're not going to that group, you know it's going to be very difficult for us to to move forward and to find that friendship right, and I think it's really important for us to remember this that the people you need might also be looking for you. Maybe you can be that supportive friend that this person is looking for person is looking for who has lost a loved one to suicide. It can be reciprocated, so I think that's really important.
Speaker 2:All right, the next thing I want to talk about is boundaries and letting go of the wrong people. I think this is super important to talk about. Sometimes, the most powerful way to find supportive friendships is to let go of the unsupportive ones. Now, I know this is really hard. It's a hard pillow to swallow. I think most people don't want to do it because you know, some of these friends have been friends forever. But if they are not kind to you, if they're not supportive of you, if they're not being helpful or wanting to connect with you, then why are you going crazy over it, right?
Speaker 2:And I think one of the things that's really important to be mindful of is clear is kind, unclear is unkind. That means sometimes we need to say I'm in a hard season and I don't need advice, I just need someone to sit with me, or even I can't continue this friendship in my grief if my grief is minimized. And if they still don't get it, you don't owe anyone access to your pain. I think it's really important for us to notice how we feel when we're around people minimized. And if they still don't get it, you don't owe anyone access to your pain. Okay, I think it's really important for us to notice how we feel when we're around people. If we're feeling like we're tense or that we're shrinking, that may be your cue. That may be you knowing that you need to protect your peace, even if it means having to make those decisions and remove certain friendships or have fewer friends. Right, I know it's painful, but the truth is is grief often prunes our circle, and that's okay. The people who remain or the new ones who arrive will be stronger, deeper and more aligned with where you are now.
Speaker 2:Okay, now, how do we build deeper friendships are now? Okay. Now, how do we build deeper friendships Now that you know what to look for and what to avoid? How do you deepen these new or rekindled friendships? The first one is to lead with vulnerability. Okay, vulnerability is the glue of connection. You don't have to share everything, but be willing to say it's been a hard day, okay. I think it's really important to be willing to open yourself up that way and be honest. Okay, because, let's face it, when we're going through suicide, grief, we have hard days. So just be willing to say that Okay.
Speaker 2:The next thing is to ask for what you need. People aren't mind readers. Speak up, let your friends know. Could you check in me, on me next week, or I just need a distraction for today? Be open to it. Be open to sharing what you need. The next one is be open to joy. Okay, grief and joy can coexist. Let yourself laugh and go out, dance, cry. Cancel plans. You know, so many of us feel like we can't cancel plans because everybody's like, oh, you need to get out, you need to get out of the house. That's okay. If you're not feeling it, cancel them. Real friends don't care, they understand it, they know, they understand what you're going through. Okay.
Speaker 2:The next thing I want to talk about is giving support to Healing. Friendships are mutual. You get to show up for others in ways that feel good and safe for you. This reciprocity strengthens bonds. Okay.
Speaker 2:Now to anyone listening who feels isolated or misunderstood these are. There are so many people out there who get it Okay, who will sit in the dark with you. Are so many people out there who get it okay, who will sit in the dark with you, who won't ask you to move on, but will simply move forward with you. Your story matters, your grief matters, and so does your need for connection. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love you as you are in this moment, grief and all. So just keep looking. They're out there, be brave, find the right people. The right people are worth it and they're looking for you too. Thank you so much for listening. If this episode spoke to you, please share it with someone who might need it and, if you haven't already, subscribe and get on the first train towards my YouTube channel and so that you can share that with others who may need the support and the resource. Thanks again for listening. I love you so much Until next time, bye, bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also check out survived-to-thrivecom for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.