Survived to Thrive Podcast
A podcast designed for survivors of suicide loss. This podcast explores the unique grief experiences that accompany a loved ones death due to suicide, shares insights on how your brain processes this kind of loss, and offers worthwhile and valuable tips you can start today to gain a more joyful and fulfilling life even though your loved one died.
Survived to Thrive Podcast
Episode 113: Anxiety After Loss: Understanding the Why and Healing The How
That racing heart at 3 AM. The constant checking on loved ones. The spiral of "what-ifs." If anxiety has become your unwelcome companion since losing someone to suicide, you're facing one of grief's most challenging but least discussed symptoms.
Anxiety after suicide loss isn't a sign of weakness or failure—it's your brain's natural response to having your sense of safety shattered. When someone dies by suicide, our minds desperately try to restore order by scanning constantly for danger, even when no immediate threat exists. This hypervigilance, though exhausting, is actually your brain trying to protect you from further harm.
Through this episode, we explore how thoughts trigger anxiety after loss and how seemingly automatic worries like "What if I lose someone else?" or "I should have seen the signs" create both emotional and physical distress. Rather than fighting these thoughts, you'll learn how to gently become aware of them while practicing more supportive alternatives like "I'm doing the best I can" and "It's okay to feel anxious right now."
For those moments when anxiety manifests physically—through panic attacks, shortness of breath, or a racing heart—we share powerful body-based interventions including box breathing, sensory grounding techniques, and movement practices that help regulate your overwhelmed nervous system. Remember that your body is grieving too, and deserves the same compassion you'd offer a scared child.
Many survivors find themselves trapped in patterns of trying to control everything after loss—obsessing over safety, predicting worst-case scenarios, or micromanaging loved ones. While understandable, this approach only intensifies suffering. True healing comes not from achieving perfect control, but from building trust in your ability to navigate uncertainty. As you implement the five practical approaches shared in this episode—naming feelings, practicing compassionate thinking, regulating your nervous system daily, seeking support rather than isolation, and allowing anxiety to move through you—you'll discover that you're capable of more resilience than you ever imagined.
Share this episode with someone walking this path, subscribe to stay connected, and remember: you're not just surviving anymore—you're learning to thrive again, even amid uncertainty.
As always, thanks for listening!
We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."
Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/
Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com
You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.
Speaker 2:You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 113, anxiety after loss understanding the why and healing the how. Hi there and welcome to the Survive to Thrive podcast. I'm your host, amy Miller. Thank you so much for joining me today. This is episode number 113. If you're listening on my podcast, this is episode number three on my YouTube channel. So thank you for those of you who have stuck with to spread this resources out to more survivors of suicide loss, and my hope is that I'll be able to expand my reach to more and more survivors as they're navigating the complexities of loss due to suicide. So if you haven't done so already, please subscribe it will really help and also share this podcast with someone who do you think could use it. That will also really help me out tremendously. So thank you so much for joining me today.
Speaker 2:Okay, so today, in this episode, we're going to be talking about a topic that I think really hits home for a lot of survivors. And you know, I just want to say right now that if you're feeling a lot of anxiousness and if you're feeling a lot of anxiety, you're not alone. Okay, we're going to be talking about anxiety today. We're going to be talking about why it shows up, how it manifests and what we can do to understand and work with it, rather than be ruled by it, because I think, frankly, so many survivors of suicide loss are feeling very ruled by anxiety in their lives right now, and there's a lot of good reasons for it. So we're going to be talking about that today and this episode is really for anyone who's found themselves feeling more anxious since they've lost their loved one due to suicide, and we're going to be talking about the what-ifs, the hypervigilance, the racing heart, the mental spiral at 3 am that I think a lot of survivors find themselves in. I know for me, I was feeling a lot, a lot of anxiety at night especially, I was thinking a lot about my children. I was checking on them very often. I was thinking about other siblings and other family members and wondering how they were dealing with the loss, and I was constantly wondering and concerned with their safety, you know, and it can really be debilitating, okay. But what I want to say to you, if this is something that you're going through right now, you're not broken, okay, this is a part of grief and there is help, okay. So today I'm going to be sharing insights, practical tools, today from some of the most powerful teachings that I have learned as a coach that has helped tremendously a lot of survivors when they're dealing with anxiety after loss. So let's walk this together, all right? So in order to dive into this topic and how to help it, we first have to talk about what anxiety really is.
Speaker 2:Okay, anxiety after suicide loss isn't a sign that something's wrong with you. It's just a normal part of trauma and uncertainty. Right, because, let's face it, grief isn't just sadness. It's fear, regret, confusion, anger, guilt and, yes, anxiety. And losing someone to suicide disrupts your sense of reality. You start to question everything right, could I have stopped it? Will this happen again? What if I lose someone else? How are my kids doing?
Speaker 2:You know, I remember at one point, you know, shortly after my loss, one of my children didn't get marked in the role when I dropped her off at school up for class that and the anxiety starts to overtake you because you're thinking as a trauma response oh my gosh, what happened? You know, especially after you're losing someone that you love, and you're thinking of the worst case scenario. That's basically what you automatically go to is worst case, and I was no different. So you know, this, I want to say, is completely normal, because when we experience loss, our brain wants to keep us safe by scanning for danger nonstop. Okay, that's our brain job and especially that's what anxiety's job is to protect you even when you're not in actual danger. So, with that said, I want to say the anxiety that you're feeling isn't weakness, it's your brain trying to adapt to a world that no longer feels safe. Okay, so let's dig deeper into what I teach survivors like you.
Speaker 2:Okay, now, if you've been listening to me for a while, I talk a lot about the way that we're thinking and our thoughts, and and I talk about what is called the model. Okay, now, when I went through grief or life coaching certification, I learned thoroughly about a way that really seems to transform and help anybody in their lives with anything that they're going through, and I experienced grief due to suicide, and that is what is called the model. Now, if you're not too familiar with it, feel free to go back. I recommend you listen to if you're interested in learning more. But just to quickly summarize what the model is is you know how our thoughts create our feelings, is how our thoughts create our feelings. So, when we have a circumstance in our lives, any kind of circumstance whether that is something that has happened, maybe it's something someone said, maybe it's a death like we've experienced, maybe it's a death due to suicide that we've experienced it creates we are often in our minds thinking thoughts about whatever circumstance that we are in. So, for example, when we've lost our loved one due to suicide, we might be thinking a lot of thoughts about that, right, and when we're thinking these thoughts, it's going to create some feelings from what we're thinking about it and whatever we're feeling, it's going to drive whatever actions that we are going to take. Okay, so that's a quick summary of the model, but I think it's really important when we're talking about this topic of anxiety and this feeling of anxiety, that you understand the basics of the model framework so you can understand what we're talking about together.
Speaker 2:Okay, so, in grief by feeling of anxiety almost always begins with the thought, even when it feels purely physical. Now, it doesn't always Okay, I just want to reiterate that, but a lot of times it begins with a thought okay, you might think things like what if I lose someone else? Okay, is this something that comes up for you, I know that came up for me looking for dangerous situations, especially if they were driving in dangerous conditions, or you know, or I was really worried about their mental state as they were experiencing their grief, experience, and I remember just thinking a lot of thoughts of what if I lose someone else, or, you know, even with my kids it's in some sort of tragic way, right? Another thought well, I bring up this thought. It really makes me think about how funny that when we worry about things, how these things haven't even happened yet, we don't even know if they're true Yet our brain tricks us into believing that they're true. So it creates all this anxiety. But it's really a lie because it hasn't even happened. Right. And here's how I know it when I'm thinking the thought I can't handle another loss Well, I have not yet had to handle another loss yet, right? It's just a made up thought, it's just something that my brain is offering me that we don't even know. If it is true, maybe I can handle another loss, maybe I can handle 10 losses. I would prefer not to, I would prefer not to test it out, but I can't really prove that that's true because it hasn't even happened yet, right? And that is what happens when we're worrying a lot or thinking a lot of these future thoughts that haven't even happened yet, so we don't even know if they are true.
Speaker 2:Okay, another thought that I feel comes up for a lot of survivors, and this is about dealing with the past, and that is I should have seen the signs, I should have. Right, I just want you to take should out of your vocabulary. I think should is probably one of the worst phrasing of thoughts that we offer ourselves. Okay, and here's the reason why Because the truth is, most of the things that we quote-unquote should have done we probably, but the truth is we didn't know, we didn't have whatever we needed at the time to do the thing we should have done. Okay, and I also want to say that that phrasing really doesn't help anything. It doesn't change anything, it only makes it worse, it makes it harder and we're adding layers of guilt. That is unnecessary. So should should be taken out of our vocabulary. Okay.
Speaker 2:Now, these thoughts feel so automatic, but when left unchecked, so automatic. But when left unchecked, these thoughts truly feed into our anxiety. So what do we do? Okay, the first thing we need to do is gently become aware of the thoughts creating our anxiety. Don't do that, because I know so many survivors who do that. They're like, oh, I've been thinking this, I've been thinking what a dumbness, and I know it's not healthy, right, and we're, you know, we're just telling ourselves that, you know, what we need is time we practice new ones. We practice coming from a person who coaches primarily with thought work. Okay, I hate toxic positivity.
Speaker 2:Here are a few thoughts that I really like that I think are really helpful. My first one is I'm doing the best I can. I love this thought, okay, because it's not shaming what we're doing or how we're handling things, or what we're thinking or what we're feeling. It's offering an idea that we're doing the best that we can with what we have, and I love that because it's empowering and it's encouraging. The next one I really like is it's okay to feel anxious right now. Right, I think that sometimes we shame ourselves for having anxiety, we shame ourselves for having negative feelings, but it's okay to have negative feelings, it's okay to feel anxious, and I think that's a real, real great, fantastic bridge thought that I think is helpful. Another one is I can take care of myself today. This one really brings us to the present moment. It's not thinking much about yesterday. It's not thinking about tomorrow. It's thinking about now. It's thinking about how to have compassion for yourself now, how to take care of your body, how to take care of your soul, how to take care of your spirituality, how to take care of your mental health. Right, how can you take care of yourself today is really how I feel like you should be focusing. I want you to think about that more. I want you to really keep that thought in your repertoire. I can take care of myself today, okay.
Speaker 2:Now, sometimes anxiety is so loud in the body, okay, and this is where it becomes a very physical feeling in our bodies, and you can't even hear your thoughts. You feel short of breath, your heart races, you're sweating, you're clenching, you're stuck in fight or flight. Okay, you can't really thought work your way out of this, and this is what is a panic attack. Sometimes the fastest way to calm the mind is through the body. Here are some ideas that I think really do help. Obviously, if you're dealing with panic attacks, I do want you to seek professional help, because this can really impact our overall health if we're not addressing the panic attacks that we're experiencing For me, as I've been experiencing panic attacks and have been useful for others as they're experiencing panic attacks, but obviously and of course, I highly recommend seeking out professional help.
Speaker 2:Okay, the first one is box breathing. This means that you inhale for four counts, you exhale for four counts oh, excuse me, let me say that again. You inhale for four counts, you hold for four counts, exhale for four counts and hold for four counts and you repeat, and you do this. As you do this cycle over and over, you'll start to feel the panic to soften. Okay, so I recommend just doing it until you feel comfortable enough that you have the anxiety attack a little bit more under control.
Speaker 2:Another tip that I find to be very helpful is grounding, and grounding really brings us into the present moment, because anxiety really takes us either into the past, with coulda, shoulda, wouldas, or it takes us into the future, where we feel a lot of fear on what happens next. And you know you're living in a constant state of wondering. You know if this could happen again, or you know, or you're afraid something's going to happen to someone else that you love, right. So grounding is really going to take you into the space where you can be really present with where you're at now, and this is the strategy in which you can use. What you do is you look around and you name five things that you can see, name four things you can touch, three things that you can hear. That really helps to distract what is happening inside of your body, because now you're completely present in what you're looking for. So, again, you look for five things that you can see, four things you can touch, three things that you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste Okay, and one thing you can taste Okay.
Speaker 2:Another one that I find to be super useful is movement, whether that's just a short little walk, maybe taking the dog out for a walk, maybe it's like stretching, even standing up and shaking your hands out, just whatever you can to get your body moving. If you're in the panic attack, and I highly recommend doing this, I think it's very useful. Okay, now one reminder here your body. It's interesting because when we think of grief, grief happens with our spiritual selves and our mental selves, and I think that that is something that really comes to mind when we think about grief, but we don't really necessarily think about how it impacts our body, and I just want to remind you that our body is grieving too, okay, so don't ignore it. Treat it with the same kindness you'd give a child who's scared. That's who you are right now, someone who needs safety, someone who needs love, someone who needs compassion. So I highly recommend that. Okay, now I want to move forward and I want to address something, and that is when anxiety feels like control.
Speaker 2:Okay, sometimes it can be a sneaky form of control, because here's the thing after loss, you might be finding yourself trying to control outcomes, people or your environment. You might obsess over safety, or you might predict worst case scenarios or micromanage your loved ones. Why? Because your brain says never again. This is your brain trying to create certainty in an uncertain world. But here's the truth. We can't control everything, right, but we can control how we respond to uncertainty. So, instead of thinking things like I can't handle another loss, try. I don't know what the future holds, but I trust I will survive what comes. Or it's not my job to control the uncontrollable. My job is to love and live today.
Speaker 2:Okay, anxiety eases when we not when we solve everything, but when we learn to trust ourselves to face whatever outcome comes. I think this is a huge, huge thing, right? You know, one of the things that we teach a lot about confidence is that confidence is allowing to feel all the feelings, to be being willing to face negative emotions, and that includes anxiety. And when we just allow ourselves to be okay with anxiety, it really does help soften it, okay. So let's talk about what to do. Let's talk about steps we can take if we're feeling anxiety.
Speaker 2:Okay, the first one I want to recommend is to name it and normalize it. Okay, name your feelings out loud. That I really practice in my own life, and one that I teach other survivors to do, is that when they start to feel anxiety, they name it. They say this is anxiety, okay, it's okay, it's part of whatever it is Okay. So when you're thinking about subsequent losses, or you're worried about safety of others or outcomes of things, or whatever you're worried about after you've lost a loved one to suicide, it's part of grief. It really does help some. How much when we normalize it. It helps tremendously. When we say it out loud, when we name it, when we tell our brains what this is, it really has a calming effect.
Speaker 2:The next thing I suggest is to practice compassionate thinking. So I would remind you that whatever you're thinking and I'm meaning, whatever honest ugly truth comes out, thinking and I'm meaning, whatever honest ugly truth comes out, is valid, okay, but I want to say to yourself and ask yourself is it helpful? Okay, be curious about that. I want you to really be curious about that and just ask yourself if it's helpful. Okay, Not judgmental. Don't ask yourself. You know. You know that whatever it is you're thinking or feeling that you know. Why do you think this way? Why are you choosing to think this way? Don't think like that. I know it's really easy to fall into that, right, but I just want you to be curious with yourself.
Speaker 2:I don't want you to be judgmental, just curious. The third one I want to talk about is to calm your nervous system daily. I encourage daily nervous system regulation. Even three to five minutes of intentional breathing really helps, just really taking the time to really breathe. I know this is something that I've witnessed my husband do on a regular basis, where he just really concentrates on his breathing. He lays down in a dark, quiet space and he just really concentrates on his breathing and he talks a lot about how this is really helpful for him to reduce stress. But I think this really is a great way to regulate our nervous system.
Speaker 2:The next thing I want to suggest is to reach for support, not isolation. I think it's really easy for us to go or default into isolation because it's easier. It feels a little bit more safe in some ways, right. But the truth is is we need people we need to rally with, to support us, to love us, to care about us. I think it's so important, right. So whether that means finding a group in a survivor's group or, you know, getting together with a group of friends, or find a grief coach, a therapist, or even this podcast, it can be very helpful. These are places where your pain is met with love.
Speaker 2:Okay, now, the fifth thing I really want to touch on and spend some time on is allowing it. Now, I know so many of us are thinking, wait, what I thought we were talking about? How to get rid of, or at least decrease, anxiety. But bear with me for a moment. My coach that really has helped me tremendously, who has taught me the coaching tools that I've learned, is Brooke Castile, and she taught me that resistance equals suffering. So when we allow the anxiety, without fighting it, it actually moves through us faster. It's like ripping the Band-Aid off right. We don't want to do it, you know. And so when we resist or we procrastinate or we barely tug at the edges as it's hurting our skin and giving ourselves great you know, a few moments before we continue on, you know, I think most of us can recognize it's so much easier, easier and less pain overall if we just rip the bandaid off. Okay, this is the same thing when we're talking about anxiety. If we allow it to just be what it is, just allow it to be in our body, it's going to move through us quicker and faster. So just allow it, All right. So if you're still listening.
Speaker 2:Friends, I want you to hear me anxiety after loss doesn't mean you're failing at grief, okay. It means you're human. It means your world was rocked and your body and mind are trying to make sense of that, and that's okay. It's completely normal. You're doing better than you think you are, you're breathing, you're, you're here, you're healing, you're slowly, steadily, in ways that probably you don't even see yet. But I want to leave you with this thought that I find to be so tremendously helpful you will find places to land again, even you. If this episode resonated with you or helped, please share it with someone else walking this path. And again, please subscribe to my YouTube channel so you can be in the know when I release my next YouTube and if you are listening to me on your favorite podcast streaming platform. Thank you so much for your support. Continue to share this episode with those you love, and thank you so much for joining me today. Until next time, bye, bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also check out survived-to-thrivecom for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.