Survived to Thrive Podcast
A podcast designed for survivors of suicide loss. This podcast explores the unique grief experiences that accompany a loved ones death due to suicide, shares insights on how your brain processes this kind of loss, and offers worthwhile and valuable tips you can start today to gain a more joyful and fulfilling life even though your loved one died.
Survived to Thrive Podcast
Episode 115: When Grief Needs More Than Time
The painful journey of grief after losing someone to suicide rarely follows a simple timeline. When is "giving it time" not enough? When should you consider reaching out for professional help?
That question sits at the heart of this deeply personal episode where we explore the critical difference between grief that heals and grief that harms. While there's no "normal" way to grieve a suicide loss, there are warning signs that your grief has transformed into something that requires more than what friends, family, or time alone can provide.
Listen as we walk through the specific red flags that signal it's time to seek professional support: unbearable daily pain that doesn't ease with time, complete withdrawal from life, thoughts of suicide, explosive anger that won't subside, or a persistent numbness that leaves you feeling empty and disconnected from everything that once brought joy. These aren't signs of weakness—they're your heart and mind telling you they need additional support.
We also explore the full spectrum of professional help available, from trauma-informed therapists and EMDR specialists to grief coaches and psychiatrists. Each offers unique approaches to help process the complex emotions of suicide loss. You'll learn how to recognize when someone else in your life might need professional intervention, along with compassionate phrases to use when expressing concern—and the harmful platitudes to avoid at all costs.
Whether you're struggling yourself or supporting someone who is, this episode offers practical guidance for moving forward when grief feels too heavy to carry alone. Remember, seeking help isn't giving up—it's stepping up for yourself. Your life remains deeply, powerfully worth living, even in the midst of this profound loss.
If you or someone you know is experiencing thoughts of suicide, immediate help is available by calling or texting 988 in the United States. Please get help NOW. Don't wait! You Matter!
As always, thanks for listening!
We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."
Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/
Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com
You are listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.
Speaker 2:You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 115, when Grief Needs More Than Time Recognizing the Need for Professional Help. Hey there, friends, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in with me today. I know it's been a while since I've been with you all. I apologize for the big gap. You know I really needed to take a break. There was a lot going on in my personal life things that are going on with my kids, and we celebrated my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. So we took a trip to commemorate that special time in our lives and I just appreciate you being patient with me as I was able to take that time off to do it. So I appreciate your patience. So thank you, thank you, thank you, but I'm back and I'm so excited to be having these conversations with you all and to be sharing with you topics that are near and dear to me, as you are. Most of you, unless you're a new listener, are well aware that I lost my sister back in 2017. And this has been such a project for me to really help make meaning from the loss that I experienced as being a survivor of suicide loss, and I'm really hopeful that these topics that we're discussing are helpful for you. I appreciate you sending me messages for those of you who have been really helped by these topics, and I also want to offer you the invitation to share this episode, or any of my previous episodes, with other survivors of suicide loss that you may know who could really benefit from having discussions about moving forward after losing a loved one to suicide. So please do that, and I appreciate it so so much.
Speaker 2:All right, so today we're going to be talking about a topic that I really feel like needs some acknowledgement and some time spent on, and that is talking about when grief needs more than time. I'm talking about when our grief gets to a point where you know we can't just do this anymore. What we're doing and what we're currently doing now is not really working, and we need to bring in somebody who knows how to deal with this type of trauma. We need someone who is credentialed and can offer us the professional help that we need and we deserve, and so I want to talk about this topic because I just feel like it's not discussed enough. I feel like there's a lot of survivors of suicide loss out there who could use a more professional help, who just has not received it, for whatever reason. Okay, there's probably a myriad of reasons why people haven't gotten their professional help that they so deserve, and I acknowledge that. But I do want to talk about how to recognize when it's time, when it's time to seek out professional help. Okay, all right.
Speaker 2:So first off, before we begin, I just want to say this If you or someone you love is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please don't wait. Help is available right now. I just want to get this out there because I know there's other survivors who struggle with this. You know, they say it's more common for people in the same family to have thoughts of suicide if there's already been a suicide within the family. Right now In the United States, you can call or text 988 and reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. I actually did speak to some of those agents over there who are there just helping and answering calls and they have so much compassion and grace and they'll keep everything you talk about confidential and it is a fantastic way to get towards the resources that can really help you. And here's the truth you matter and you are not alone, and help is always just that one call or one text away. So I give a huge plug out there to texting or calling 988. They are just fantastic, amazing people over there. Okay, so, with all that said, I just want to say that if you need professional help, this isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of wisdom. Okay, and today we're going to explore the red flags, we're going to explore the quiet cries for help and how to support others without judgment, without pressure and with a whole lot of grace.
Speaker 2:I want to talk about first what's normal versus not normal grief. Okay, so let's just start by acknowledging that there's no normal way to grieve a suicide loss. There's just not. I mean, it's just up and down. There's hard days, there's easy days, there's days that you really, really struggle, and then there's days where you're just having a great day and there's just going to be ebbs and flows. There's going to be ups and downs. There's going to be times when it's going to feel excruciating. There's going to be times when it feels like, okay, I can deal with this. You're going to have times where you feel just really sad. You're going to have times where you're going to be okay and it's just going to feel like your grief is just all over the place.
Speaker 2:But here it's the truth. There's no normal way to grieve, there's not a checklist to check off, there's no steps to grief, there's no linear pathway to get from grief to not grieving anymore. The truth is, the grief will always be with you. Okay, it's going to soften, it's going to feel better. You're going to be able to learn the skills that you need to carry that grief with you and still have a tremendously joyful life, and that's okay. Those can coexist. They don't have to be separate, and I think someone out there really needs to hear that that you can still have an amazing, tremendous life and still have grief as a companion to all of that, and that's totally okay. Okay, so, with all of that said, while we do acknowledge that it's something hard and there's no normal way to grieve a suicide loss, there are patterns, okay. So David Kessler, who is a grief expert that I teach from and I've learned a lot from him, he teaches that grief is not a disorder. It's a natural response to loss and we don't need to fix grief, but we need to understand when grief starts to harm instead of heal.
Speaker 2:Okay, so some of the healthy signs of grieving include some signs of ebbs and flows in your emotions, okay. So one day you may feel very, very sad and you may be doubled over. You may be crying, you may be having a moment, maybe a flood of memories come back to you and you feel very, very sad. Another moment you might feel a tremendous amount of guilt. You might be thinking about all the things you could have done or that you should have done, and you start to go down what I call the guilt train, right, and so you're going to be feeling a lot of emotions with that. There'll be other days where you might feel like you can laugh again. Maybe something reminds you of your loved one and it just gives you a chuckle. This is completely normal as well, okay.
Speaker 2:Another sign of healthy grieving is being able to function, even if it's just barely in daily life. So, for example, you're getting up, you're brushing your teeth, you're throwing on some clothes and you're able to take your kids to school and drop them off on time Okay, you're functioning. You're able to get yourself ready and dressed and go to Okay, you're functioning. You're able to get yourself ready and dressed and go to work You're functioning, okay. You show up to your appointments Okay, you're functioning Okay. So, even if it's just barely in your daily life, this is a sign that you're grieving in a healthy way. Another sign is that you're able to talk about your loved one, even if it's painful. You know, I may have shared this example before in one of my previous podcast episodes, where I have this way of sharing stories of my sister that sometimes create an emotional reaction in myself without even meaning to.
Speaker 2:So you know, there was this one time when I met up with someone that I didn't know very well and we were there for a purpose, because we were serving together on this project, and when I went over there, I was sharing with her some of the things about my sister and I kind of went down the train of talking about how my sister died and some of my feelings and emotions of finding that news out, and I just remember just spilling it all out there, putting it out all on the table and just sharing everything with this person. That was a stranger that I barely even knew and she was so kind and she was so receptive and she was just a very gracious person to share all this with, because she just treated me so kindly, with compassion and I felt very comfortable sharing everything with her. Okay, so talking about my loved one was never an issue. I always felt very comfortable about talking about my sister to a lot of people. I didn't necessarily talk to everyone about her death and how she died, but you know, being able to feel comfortable about talking about them, talking about the suicide with other people is a sign of healthy grieving. You know, being able to feel comfortable about talking about them, talking about the suicide with other people is a sign of healthy grieving. Another sign is that you're wanting support, even if you're unsure how to ask for it, and I'm talking about when you're looking for support, either from friends or from family, or maybe from your work environment, or even in your church or in your position in your job, or even you know like looking and seeking out therapists or counselors or coaches, like myself. This is also a sign that you are grieving in a healthy way.
Speaker 2:The next one I want to talk about is when grief turns into suffering, when it begins to isolate you or paralyze or consume you, it may be time to get some professional help. This isn't uncommon at all, okay, because here's the truth. When grief hijacks your ability to move forward or to take care of yourself, or to want to live again. It's no longer grief doing its job, it's grief turned toxic, it's turned poisonous, okay, and I think it's really important to recognize that in our grieving experience. Okay, so here are some signs that you might need some professional help. Okay, you may need support beyond family, friends or support groups If any of these following things are true. If any of these following things are true.
Speaker 2:Number one your pain feels unbearable every single day. Okay, this is intense pain. It's expected early on. In months later, you still feel like you're drowning every day. If you're about a year into your grief experience and you're still feeling unbearable pain, this is your sign that you need support beyond family, friends or support group. Okay, you need professional help a therapist, a grief counselor, even a coach, like myself. But I highly recommend speaking to your doctor, talking to them, seeking out the resources. If your pain feels unbearable every single day, okay.
Speaker 2:The second one is you're avoiding life. This might look like not leaving the house for days or weeks, or you're just sleeping all day. You're not eating or you're overeating. You're avoiding loved ones. You're drinking heavily. There's a lot of signs of when we're trying to avoid life, right? Maybe we're just binge watching Netflix every single day. Maybe we're scrolling on our phones continuously and never stopping Okay, this is a sign. This isn't laziness, it's just grief shutting you down. Okay, therapy can gently help you reopen.
Speaker 2:Another sign is suicidal thoughts. Now, again, if you're struggling with this, reach out to the crisis line 988. I highly recommend it. They're fantastic over there, but if you ever find yourself thinking I just want to be with them or they're better off without me, this is not just grief talking. These are serious red flags and you need to get help immediately. And this is going to require medical intervention, meaning you need to go to a doctor, you need to go to a psychiatrist, you need to go to someone who has professional expertise when dealing with suicidal thoughts, okay.
Speaker 2:Another one is when anger. When you have this anger that consumes you, okay, it's okay to be mad, but if your anger is explosive, if it's constant, if it's turning into any kind of aggression or self-harm, it's worth exploring in therapy. Okay, because here's the thing when we avoid pain, it often morphs into rage and a professional can really help unpack that, okay. So that is a major sign that it's time. Another one is that you feel numb or empty long-term.
Speaker 2:Okay, this is meaning, like I explain it in some of my webinars and classes that I teach that it's this feeling like you're getting through everything in the day. You're doing all that you need to do, you're showing up to work, you're doing the things that you have to do, but you just don't have any zest for life anymore. You're not excited about things. You just don't look forward to things at all like you used to. Maybe your hobbies have gone dead. Maybe there was some interest that you had prior to your loss that you really enjoyed doing, and now, all of a sudden, you've lost complete interest in those things. Maybe you know you don't look forward to things that you normally did before. Maybe you look forward to a particular holiday and you just, for whatever reason, just not, are not feeling it. Or maybe you know you're not. Maybe vacations used to be a big thing for you and then suddenly you're not excited about a family vacation that you have planned.
Speaker 2:This is a sign that your grief needs some professional help. So, with all of this, I want to ask you what type of help is out there? Okay and I, there are so many different helps. I already mentioned to you the 988 number where you can contact them if you are thinking any type of suicidal thoughts. I highly recommend it, but it doesn't even have to necessarily be just for that. If you're having just a bad, really bad day, they're really, really helpful. They know how to listen, they know what things to say to you and it really just helps to soften the pain of that experience that you might be going through.
Speaker 2:Here are some other options that I would highly recommend Licensed therapists grief-informed or trauma-informed either of those are really important. I did an interview with Leisha Her name is Leisha. If you go back into one of my podcast episodes, I spoke to a Leisha Her name is Leisha. If you go back into one of my podcast episodes, I spoke to a trauma therapist. Her name is Leisha and she can also tell you a little bit more about some of the things that she did and does for those who have gone through trauma. So that can be really, really helpful. But you really need to find someone specifically who is trained in complicated grief trauma recovery. Even EMDR or somatic therapy especially, are really helpful in suicide loss. I've heard of a lot of survivors who have gone through EMDR who have had amazing results. So I really highly recommend checking that out.
Speaker 2:Another option is support groups. I really highly recommend checking that out. Another option is support groups. You may not be ready to talk, but just sitting in a room or on Zoom or something like that with people that get it. That can also be helpful. But these type of support groups are really more useful if you're using them in conjunction with licensed therapists. You can try organizations out there like the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I know that they help to set up support groups. There's another one called Grief Share. And, of course, look into your own local chapter within your state. I know for here it's in Arizona. It's La Frontera Impact SOS. They have support groups that meet all over the entire state. They also have Zoom groups as well. So if you're not feeling like you know getting outside and going, then those are options as well, and they're great options because, again, it's just getting people in the same room who've experienced the same thing, so you can bounce ideas off, you can share how you're feeling and what you're going through and you're in a room of people who actually do truly get it. So I think it's really helpful.
Speaker 2:I also want to give a plug to coaching and online resources. Okay, grief coaches like myself, we offer a lot of tools to help you process emotions. Now, if you are really really, really struggling okay, you know, maybe coaching might not you might not be ready for coaching quite yet Like, if you're really struggling to get out of bed, if your depression is really putting you in a dark space, then a psychiatrist or a licensed therapist of some form is probably the best route to go. But if you are just feeling like you're in this space of where you're just feeling numb and you're feeling like you're not having any excitement for the future or anything like that, then I would highly recommend a grief coach like myself, because we help you to process your emotions and rebuild your life in a non-clinical type space.
Speaker 2:Another option is psychiatry. Psychiatry also diagnoses and treats with medication, and I know that there's a lot of people who are pro-medication, a lot of people that are against medication, but regardless, I know of a lot of individuals who have used medication to help them if they are in a really dark space after losing a loved one, to help get you out of that deep depression that you're in, and it can be very, very useful and helpful. So I'm a huge proponent for, you know, utilizing this option. You know our brains are, you know, so full of communications that are occurring every day and sometimes things are just not working as great as they should. And medications can be so helpful in helping people when they're really in a deep depression, especially in their grief after losing a loved one to suicide. Okay, all right.
Speaker 2:Now how do you recognize I just want to touch on this before we end this podcast episode is how to recognize when someone else might need help. And you know, I just want to touch on this before we end this podcast episode is how to recognize when someone else might need help. And you know, I have often a lot of survivors come to me and say you know that I just really worry about my son, I worry about my wife, I worry about my husband, I worry about my parents or whatever the case may be. And you know, I think it's really critical that we be mindful of them and we pay attention right? So, with that said, let's talk about what these signs look like for those who might be really struggling and could use some professional help.
Speaker 2:The first one is long-term isolation, meaning they just isolate themselves. Maybe they keep to their room all day and they don't really leave the room. Maybe they don't want visitors in their house. Maybe they don't accept invitations to go anywhere, despite you may be sending invitations things like that. That is a sign that they might need some professional help. Another one is risky behaviors like drugs or drinking or reckless driving. These types of things are a huge sign that professional help needs to get involved. Another sign is they're saying things like they don't want to live anymore. Okay, now, we all know as survivors of suicide loss. This is a phrase that really ignites something in us, right, when they say things like this. But that is a for sure, telltale sign that this person needs professional help. Another sign is that they're giving away possessions or they're talking about death frequently. Maybe they're talking about it all the time. Maybe they're really obsessed with the death of your own loved one and they've been talking about that nonstop. This is also a sign that they may need some professional help. Another major sign is they're not functioning. They're not functioning at work. They're not functioning in school. They're not functioning in relationships. Work, they're not functioning in school. They're not functioning in relationships tall tale sign that they need professional help.
Speaker 2:Okay, so, with all of that said, say, for example, you do have a friend or another family member who is showing one of these signs to you. What do you say to them? Well, the things I always recommend saying are these three phrases. The first one is I'm worried about you. This loss is so heavy. Have you thought about talking to someone? I think this is a really great question to pose, because when you're telling them that you're worried about them, it's going to make them recognize and know that you are care about them and that you are paying attention. I think a lot of us, when we're going through grief, we don't really want people to pay attention, but at the same time, it does feel nice when we know somebody acknowledges that we're going through something hard and that they're really paying attention to you, and it just shows to the survivor that you are caring. Okay, so saying this phrase I'm worried about you, this loss is so heavy. Have you thought about talking to someone can be very impactful and successful.
Speaker 2:The second thing you can say is I see how much you're hurting and you do not have to do this all alone. Okay, first off, you're communicating to this person that you care. The second thing is that you are communicating to this person that they don't have to go on this journey alone. I think a lot of survivors feel that they feel like this journey is just for them and for them only, and they don't share and they don't want to put burdens on people, and you know things like that. But the truth is is they don't have to do this alone, okay, and I know you, as my listener, are more than welcome to listen to someone as they're experiencing their own grief. So, again, this just proves that they don't have to do this alone and you don't have to do this alone, okay. The second one is would you like me, would you let me help you find someone to talk to? I think this one's really huge. When you ask them this question, would you let me help you find someone to talk to? This kind of puts the control back in their court, right. It allows them to help be the decision maker on, you know, finding an outsourced side resource or bringing them to a doctor or psychologist or a counselor or something like that, and so this is a really fantastic question to ask.
Speaker 2:Okay, now, what are some of the things you should avoid saying you should some of these options or these options you should really really be avoiding. The first one is you should be over this by now. Nobody should be over this by now. There's no timeline on grief. So never say this to a person, even if you feel like their grief is a little bit prolonged. Maybe they've been grieving for years. You know, nobody should be over this by now. Okay, there's no timeline, there's no expiration date on grief.
Speaker 2:The second one is just stay busy. Okay, don't say this to a person. I know it's tempting because I know so many of us feel like if we stay busy, it helps us to cope with hard things. But this is just not the correct way to address this. Okay, so don't say just stay busy. The next one is at least they're in a better place. Now, this one really kind of gets to me only because, while this may be true, it doesn't lessen the pain of them not being here right now. Okay, so please avoid saying at least they're in a better place, all right.
Speaker 2:So, with all of that said, and in closing, I just want to say people just don't need platitudes. They need your presence, they need your patience and your willingness to stand with them while they take the next step. They need your patience and your willingness to stand with them while they take the next step. So, before we end, I just want to let me say this clearly to you getting help is not giving up. It's stepping up for yourself, and if you're wondering whether you need professional support, you probably do, and that's okay If anything you heard today, in today's episode, deeply resonated with you.
Speaker 2:If you're feeling like you're overwhelmed or you're numb or you're angry or you're stuck, just take a small step. You can reach out to myself. Or if you're in crisis and you're thinking about suicide, call or text 988 or visit 988lifelineorg and you'll be connected to a trained counselor who listens with compassion and will stay with you through it. You're not alone, my friends. You're loved and your life is still deeply, powerfully worth living. And until next time, take gentle care of yourself. You're doing better than you think and I can't wait to talk to you next time. Bye-bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also check out survived-to-thrivecom for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.