Episode 117: When It's Time To Shift After Suicide Loss.

Survivors of suicide loss often experience an inner nudge suggesting it's time to shift and move forward with life, bringing feelings of guilt, fear, and confusion about what this transition should look like. 

• Recognizing that grief has no timeline, but eventually leads to the sixth stage where we seek meaning
• Understanding that moving forward doesn't mean we've stopped grieving or forgotten our loved ones
• Questioning painful thoughts like "if I move forward, it means I didn't love them enough"
• Giving ourselves permission to change without needing outside approval
• Starting with small shifts that gradually transform into bigger life changes
• Creating rituals that honor loved ones as we try new things
• Talking back to guilt by remembering that loving them and living fully can coexist
• Finding community and people who inspire us through their own grief journeys
• Recognizing resistance as normal and your brain's way of protecting you
• Carrying your loved one's memory forward in a new way

As always, thanks for listening!

We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."

Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Transcript

Introduction to Survived to Thrive

Speaker 1 0:02

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

The Need to Shift After Loss

Speaker 2 0:37

You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 117, when it's time to shift after suicide loss. Well, hello, friends, welcome back to the podcast. I so appreciate you joining me each week. Thank you, thank you, thank you. If this has been helpful for you, I invite you to share this podcast with other survivors of suicide loss. I think the more people that have access to it, the better, the more that they will feel comfort and peace, knowing that they're not alone in losing a loved one to suicide, and also with the knowledge that there are resources out there. There are concepts, there are ideas that can help you as you process this complicated grief experience that all of us have been touched with in our lives due to losing a loved one due to suicide. So if you're a return listener and you appreciate the things that we talk about, please share this with someone that you care about and love. I also want to welcome those of you who are new to the podcast. I don't like the reason why you are here, but I appreciate you taking some time out of your day to focus on you and your grief experience, and I hope that this podcast will give you some ideas, give you some thoughts and will help you feel comfort and peace as you're trying to navigate this aftermath of suicide loss. So thank you, thank you. Thank you for joining All right.

Speaker 2 2:12

So today I want to talk about something that so many survivors of suicide loss eventually feel deep down, and it's the need to shift. And what that looks like is this inner nudge that says I can't stay here forever or that I need something different. Sometimes it comes after months, sometimes years, sometimes decades, but it arrives for nearly all of us, and when it does, we often feel guilt about moving forward, we often feel fear about leaving our loved one behind and we often feel confusion about what this shift is supposed to look like. So today, in today's podcast episode, I wanted to share some thoughts regarding this to help us understand and honor this season of transition. So, in order to get into this topic, we first have to recognize the need for a shift. David Kessler, who I received my training from, teaches that grief has no timeline, but he also says that the meaning. That meaning is the sixth stage of grief and the stage where we begin to ask what now? How do I live in a way that honors my loved one and that off. That's often when the feeling to shift shows up. Right. It doesn't mean we've stopped grieving. It doesn't mean we've forgotten. It just simply means our heart is asking for more life again.

Questioning Our Painful Thoughts

Speaker 2 3:46

One of the things that I think about when it comes to shifting is that that shift doesn't happen because we're betraying the person we lost. It happens because we're still alive, right that we have futures. We're tending to Think of the shift as a gentle awakening, not a harsh demand, so we have to talk about the stories we tell ourselves, right? Byron, katie, who I just love, and if you get a minute, I would highly recommend seeking her out, learning from her. She teaches a lot of amazing concepts that I utilize in my own grief, coaching and in my own personal life as well, but she teaches this what she calls the work, which is a process of questioning our thoughts, and when the need to shift arises, painful thoughts can often come with it. Right, for example, arises.

Speaker 2 4:47

Painful thoughts can often come with it, right. For example, if I move forward, it means I didn't love them enough, right? Or if I rebuild, people will think I'm over it, or this thought I'm supposed to grieve forever. Okay, katie Byron would invite us to ask is that true? And she would further ask can I absolutely know it's true, because sometimes it feels true, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is true, and you need to really recognize whether or not you can absolutely know for sure if it's true. Most of the time when we sit with it, the answer is no.

Speaker 2 5:25

And the truth is moving forward doesn't erase love, it doesn't erase the experience of losing a loved one to suicide, and it doesn't equal forgetting and it doesn't cancel the grief right. What it does is it transforms it. Okay, this is what, as a coach, we call the thought-filling action cycle. If we keep believing the thought that moving forward is wrong, we're going to feel a lot of guilt and we're going to stay stuck. Going to feel a lot of guilt and we're going to stay stuck. But if we choose a different thought something like shifting is how I honor both my grief and my life we open the door to healing actions. So if we question our thoughts and we think about whether or not the thoughts that we're thinking about our losses, about our experience, about our grief and about the idea of shifting, if we question them and ask them if it's true and if we can absolutely know it's true and we can come to the conclusion that, no, it's not true, then we need to give ourselves permission to change. Okay, and that permission doesn't come from the outside, it comes from within.

Speaker 2 6:57

I think so many of us believe that we need to look for reassurance, that we need to feel like changing is the right thing to do right. Often we wait for someone to tell us it's okay to smile again, date again, dream again, but we don't need anyone's approval. We don't need the world's approval. The shift begins the moment we decide I am allowed to change. Okay. Remember your loved one's death doesn't end your life. The shift is about writing new chapters, not closing the book.

Practical Steps for Supporting Change

Speaker 2 7:45

Now here I just want to talk a little bit about how post-traumatic growth is possible If we're giving ourselves permission to change. This is where growth begins. We just have to give ourself permission to do so. Okay, now you may be asking yourself. Now you may be asking yourself okay, I've questioned. What is the truth? I've given myself permission to change. So what are the practical steps to support this shift? Because a lot of times we feel like this shift is both scary and necessary, feels very conflicting, we feel a lot of nerves, we feel a lot of confusion and we don't really know how to begin.

Speaker 2 8:29

So the first step is just to start small. Right, the big change is simply a series of small shifts. So what this might look like for you is a new morning routine or setting one future goal, right? Maybe it's taking five minutes for yourself that you normally wouldn't have given yourself. Maybe it's waking up 10 minutes early. Maybe it's, you know, getting out to walk three times a week. Okay, just doing something small, a small little change, helps your brain to accept the idea that you have a capacity to make changes, and a lot of times, these series of small shifts transform into something bigger, something better for your life. So just start small.

Speaker 2 9:28

The second step is to question the fear. Okay, so I always recommend to use Byron Katie's questions instead of believing I'm not ready, ask is it true or is it just uncomfortable? Because sometimes we confuse the two, right? Sometimes it's easier to believe that it's true than to be uncomfortable, and so we just choose to believe that it is true. But many times it's just our brain's way of trying to protect us from something that is uncomfortable. And I have to tell you, having the willingness to be uncomfortable is probably the most transformative thing we can do for ourselves, especially when we're trying to support our shifts in our lives and make our lives better and invite better things into our lives.

Speaker 2 10:25

The third step is to honor your loved one in the process, right? I always recommend creating rituals or meaning. For example, you could light a candle before you try something new, or you could speak their name as you step forward, or maybe you could just write something about your loved one in your journal, something about them that helps you to feel like, for example I'll just give you a small example. You know, when I decided to do something like a goal or something, writing about it down in my journal and thinking about how my sister would have loved how I was doing the thing right. It helps it to feel so much better. It helps me to feel like I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing the right thing and I'm doing what my loved one would want me to do, and I think it really helps you as you're trying to shift.

When You Resist Moving Forward

Speaker 2 11:22

Another step, step four, is to talk back to guilt. I love this one because the truth is, guilt is often optional and you have to remind yourself that loving them and living fully can coexist. I think many of us believe that they can't, but the truth is you can love them and live fully, and you can do it together, and I think this is a real important thing to remember and remind ourselves of and to give ourselves permission to do. The next step is to seek community, and I think this one is a big one, because grief is too heavy to carry alone. No one wants to carry it alone. I think it's really important to find someone you can just talk to and also find someone who inspires you. I think this one is huge. I would seek out, going through my own grief experience, people that have gone through even more difficult grief experiences than my own, and I would listen to their stories and how difficult it was to get through what they did. But to see where their lives are now, to see the new heights they've achieved, to see how they've been able to use their hardships and their experiences to transform themselves into even a better version of themselves, and I think it's so inspiring. So I think seeking that out is hugely powerful and I highly recommend that everybody look into doing that for themselves to help inspire yourself.

Speaker 2 13:05

All right, so let's say you have done all of these practical steps or you're trying to do these practical steps, but you find yourself resisting the shift. You may feel the need to move on, but you just still resist it. And that's normal. To move on, but you just still resist it. And that's normal. The truth is, if you argue with reality and you lose, but only 100% of the time. If life is nudging you towards growth, notice the resistance without judgment and remind yourself that nothing has gone wrong here. It's simply your brain protecting you from the unknown.

Carrying Love Into New Places

Speaker 2 13:46

And remember grief never demands we erase the past. It simply asks us not to live there forever. It's part of your healing Trust that your loved one's memory can move with you into what's next. Right, as David Kessler has always said and reminds us that grief is love with no place to go. And when we allow ourselves to shift, we give the love new places to land in friendships, in projects, in dreams, in goals, in the way we live. You're not leaving your person behind. You're carrying them forward in a new way. Thank you, my friends, for spending this time with me today. If this episode spoke to you, share it with someone who might be on the edge of their own shift. And remember you're not alone in this journey and I love you and I care about you until next time, bye-bye thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast.

Speaker 1 14:45

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