Episode 119: When Other Relationships Struggle After Losing A Loved One.

We explore how suicide loss reshapes marriages, families, friendships, and the relationship with self, and we share practical tools to repair or release ties with clarity and compassion. We offer boundary scripts, ways to communicate needs, and five steps to rebuild trust without bitterness.

• grief creating a before and after that shifts every relationship
• different grieving styles in partners and how to reconnect
• emotional responsibility to reduce resentment
• family conflict, blame cycles, and boundary setting
• friendship drift and making space for new, supportive people
• clean pain versus dirty pain and kinder self-talk
• five-step framework to repair or release relationships
• scripts for needs, boundaries, and consequences that hold
• self-worth and generating love during healing

As always, thanks for listening!

We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."

Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Transcript

Welcome And Purpose Of The Show

SPEAKER_01 0:01

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment, even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

Grief’s Ripple Across Relationships

Why People Grieve Differently

Emotional Responsibility And Disappointment

Romantic Partnerships Under Strain

Communication And Expectations With Partners

Family Conflict, Blame, And Boundaries

When Friendships Drift Or Disappear

The Hardest Bond: Relationship With Self

SPEAKER_00 0:37

You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 119, when other relationships struggle after losing a loved one. Welcome back, my friends. Thank you, thank you for joining me this week. I appreciate you all. I think about you often, as I always say. I just really love you, care about you, think about the struggles that you face as a survivor of suicide loss. And I just feel a lot of empathy for you because I just know how deeply changing going through an experience like losing a loved one to suicide can be. And how there's a lot of growth that happens, a lot of changes, a lot of pain, a lot of suffering, a lot of different emotions that arise and a lot of things that we end up facing that we didn't even know we could face. And yet here we are in the midst of dealing with grief, dealing with our relationships, dealing with people, dealing with all the things, right? And we're here. We're here at this podcast and we're gathering together and we're talking about these important topics that I think really resonate with survivors of suicide loss. So thank you so much for joining me today. Okay, so today we're going to be talking about something that I think often surprises people after the loss of a loved one to suicide. And that is the way grief can strain other relationships. So maybe for you it's your marriage, maybe it's being tested, maybe your friendships have faded away, maybe some connections with family members feel a little different. Maybe you're feeling a little more distant from people that you love or even uncomfortable around certain people. And what I like to say about this is when someone we love dies by suicide, it doesn't just change us, it ripples through pretty much every connection we have. And sometimes the people we thought we could lean on the very most don't show up the way we hoped. So today we're going to explore why that happens, what it actually means, and most importantly, how to navigate these relational shifts with compassion and clarity and strength as we try to make sense of all of this. So let's go ahead and just get started with this. So today I want to talk about why relationships change. We need to start with the why, right? Because after a suicide loss, your world gets divided into the before and the after. And you're no longer the same person you were that day, right? And while you're learning how to breathe again, others just may not really understand this new version of you. One of the things I like to say is that each person's grief is as unique as their fingerprint. So that means that every people, that means even people grieving the same person sometimes will grieve differently, right? You might want to talk about your loved one a lot while your spouse wants to move forward quietly. Or maybe you want to have a deep emotional connection with a friend as you're trying to sort through your feelings with this loss. And your friends just want the old you back. They want, you know, you to be the same self. But the truth is, is you've changed, right? And that mismatch, that change, that difference in how we grieve can create some tension. So one of the things I teach as a coach is this concept of emotional responsibility. And this concept really reminds us that our pain doesn't come from other people's behavior, it comes from what we think about their behavior. So, for example, when someone doesn't check in, or maybe they just say like the wrong thing to you, or just, you know, you know how it is. Sometimes they'll just say things they think are comforting to you, but they they come across a lot different and it can be painful, right? I think sometimes we think that they just don't care, but sometimes that's not the case. A lot of times it's just they don't know how to care. So understanding that difference can really release a little of that bitterness that builds up in our relationships when people disappoint us. One of the things that I like to say is that relationships change because grief changes us, not them. And not everyone can follow us into this new chapter in our lives. So, with all that said, let's talk about today some of the common relationship struggles that we find ourselves in. There are four different relationships I want to touch on today. Now, I know that there's a lot of different relationships in our lives aside from these four, but I think these are the four that I feel like most of us are impacted by, especially in our grief experience. Okay. And the first one is our romantic relationship. So whether that be your spouse or your significant other or just a partner or a girlfriend, boyfriend, whatever you want to call it, you just have to recognize that they might grieve differently. Maybe this partner didn't really know this loved one that you lost that you're really trying that you're grieving. Okay. Maybe your partner was closer to this person that you're grieving, right? Maybe you're more, maybe you might grieve with a lot of intensity and this person likes to grieve more privately. And you might really feel disconnected, maybe even resentful that they don't seem as devastated. But regardless, that difference doesn't always mean that they loved less or that they're hurting any less. It just often means they're coping a little bit differently. One of the things I remind survivors of suicide loss is that our partners are not responsible to fix our pain, even as much as we want them to, even as much as we try to rely on them to help get us out of that uncomfortable space in all of the things that we go through in life, right? The truth is, is it's they're not really meant to fix these things for us, even though we might feel like they should. Sometimes this expectation of fixing or or you know, taking responsibility to help fix it can really erode the closeness that we really want to fill with our partners or our significant other. And I think we need to be mindful of that, right? Because when we have all this expectation for our partner, the truth is our partners don't really even know what our expectations are, really. They don't really know really probably how to even be in this moment while you're grieving and while they're grieving. So I think you really just need to be mindful of that. That also, I think it's really important to have open and honest communication, right? I think it goes without saying. But I think a lot of us sometimes we don't feel like we know how to be open and honest about how we're thinking and feeling. But some of the things that you could do is you could say something or express something like, I know we're both really hurting differently. And just ask them if we can find a way that we can stay connected through this. Maybe even if it's just walking together, maybe talking together, maybe hugging each other each night, maybe just, you know, checking in on each other, maybe have a meal together, something like that. I think it's really, really important. Okay. The second relationship that I find to be impacted with a struggle in a relationship is our family relationships, right? Because we may find family members who avoid talking about the loss or who argue about how it happened. I know one family I was helping through a family relationship, you know, one of the uh family members was really blaming some of the other family members as taking part of this responsibility. And if you want to talk about like eroding closeness or connection, this would be it when you start shifting blame on other family members, things like that. So it can really be a strain on that family dynamic. Some of the things we have to be mindful of, especially when we have family members who maybe are avoiding talking about the loss or argue a lot or you know, have a lot of different takes. Sometimes you could just say to this person that maybe you're having a struggle with that you need to, you know, set a healthy boundary. Like, for example, you could say something like, I'm not ready to talk about why this happened or how this happened. I just want to remember them right now. And I think that offers a clear expectation. It's not argumentative, it's not really, you know, trying to discount maybe their own feelings and emotions and thoughts about the experience that they're going through, but it just allows them to understand that you're just not really in a space to be talking about what they want to talk about in the moment. So I find that to be helpful. The third area that I find where relationships can be really struggling in is in these friendship relationships. I mean, here's the truth: some friends just drift away. Maybe they just don't know what to say, maybe they show up a lot in the beginning, but then it starts to taper down and it fades over time. Or maybe they just have disappeared on you. Maybe they you just don't know where in the world they went, right? And this can really hurt us deeply. But here's the thing: people can't meet you where they've never been. And I really think that's important to remember because you may have to release expectations and allow space for new, more emotionally capable relationships to form later. I think it's really important to be mindful of that. Because the thing is, is some of the very best of friends you're gonna find in your lifetime are gonna be the ones who have experienced something similar or resonate with you on this experience that you've experienced, and these people you haven't even met yet. So just be open to that. Okay, the fourth relationship, and I probably would argue this is the most important relationship, is the relationship with yourself. And, you know, truly, this is probably the hardest relationship of all, right? Because you may judge yourself. The thing is, is we're we're terrible to ourselves. We say a lot of things to ourselves, we have a lot of judgments towards ourselves. You may judge your reactions, maybe you're judging the way you're healing, maybe you wish you would just move on faster, or maybe you feel anger towards yourself for not preventing the loss, right? Where you just feel a lot of guilt and remorse. And, you know, the truth is that is not clean pain. That is dirty pain. I really like this concept of clean pain versus dirty pain because it's very powerful. The thing is, is clean pain is the natural sadness of loss, but dirty pain is this suffering that we add through self-blame and guilt. So when you notice that inner criticism, just pause and say to yourself that you're doing the best that you can, because the truth is you're grieving, you're grieving someone that you love, and that's okay, and that's allowed. Okay. So, yes, the relationship with yourself sometimes can be the most difficult, but it is the most important relationship to heal. Okay, so here's the deal. How do we heal from all these relationships with after loss? What do you do? Okay, especially when you feel like these relationships are strained or even broken. Okay, I want to talk about the five steps to begin rebuilding these relationships and or releasing these relationships with love. Okay. The first one is you just have to exp accept that relationships evolve. Okay. Not every person is to well, let's just say it this way. Not every person is meant to walk with you through every season of your life. I think this is an important, important lesson to know. Because the truth is some people are only meant to be with you for a short time. Some people are meant to be with you for a long time. Some people are meant to be with you in different seasons, in different times. Maybe they are a really good friend in childhood, you lose contact, you get together back when you become a young mother or a young father, and you get back together with them then, and then you become distant again, and then you come back, right? And I think you know, it's really important that you understand that. And the truth is, is some of these relationships served you in the before that day, and others will find you in the after that day. Okay, I think it's really important. Remember and acknowledge that change is part of healing, okay? The second step is to communicate your needs clearly. I think so many of us are terrible at this. I remember when I relocated from one state to another state in my early 20s, and I noticed communication was a lot different in this new state. I came from a a background of where communication was a lot more direct. And then when I relocated into this new state, I noticed, especially in my work environment, that people wouldn't really communicate things to you directly. They would offer hints, and you found yourself left guessing on what people wanted. Once I learned this, I learned a little bit better on how to understand that communication style. But the point is, is that most people truly just don't know what to say to someone who's lost someone to suicide. And of course, people come from all kinds of different backgrounds and different belief systems and all kinds of things. So I think it's really important that we just take some time to help them out. For example, you can try saying things like, I don't really need advice, I just need you to sit with me, or maybe you could just ask them to just have them tell you about their your their favorite memories of the person that you lost, and because it really helps you to keep the positive alive, right? The thing is, is you don't have to be strong or polite all the time. You just need to give others a roadmap for how to be there for you and how to love you right now. The third step is give space for different grief timelines. Just because you're ready to talk and someone else isn't, or vice versa, doesn't mean either of you is wrong. You're simply at different points on the path. So you gotta think of it like hiking a trail. Some really walk fast, some like to rest often. Some people will, you know, go a lot slower, and some will go a lot faster. The truth is, is on the there's only one hiking trail. You're gonna meet at another point along the way. Whether that's you know, meeting them at the top, maybe that's meeting them on the way down. You'll often meet them again another point along the way. The fourth step is to set boundaries. Okay, boundaries. These are huge. Sometimes protecting your peace means stepping back. That might sound like I love you, but I need space from these conversations for a while. Sometimes people will want to, you know, like I I like to refer to it as beating a dead horse, right? Where they're trying to figure out the why. And they sometimes it just gets to you, it gets a bit overwhelming, right? So it's okay to communicate with this person that you care and love about them, but that you just need to, you know, take a break from these conversations. And the one thing about boundaries that I always like to say is that boundaries aren't walls, they're just invitations to love more clearly. And the thing with boundaries is you have to communicate them. And not only do you have to communicate these boundaries, but you also have to give them a consequence if they violate the boundary or cross the boundary, right? So that might mean something like, you know, I don't really want to go down the what-ifs with this grief, you know, I really just don't want to go there. So I would rather just have different conversations right now. And then if you find that they're still doing it, then you communicate to them that you ask them to please not have these communications and next time that they start to go down this road again, that you're gonna have to step outside the room or leave the conversation. And then you have to follow through with it, which is usually the hardest part. But it's very effective when people see that you're willing to communicate your boundaries, that you're willing to express what they are, that you are going to give them a consequence for violating your boundary, and then you follow through, they know that you are serious. But those boundaries are all up to us. But I also want to say that I think it's really important to set these boundaries without bitterness, because bitterness can really ruin relationships. And instead, you want to try to create stronger relationships and better connections with these people. So remember setting these boundaries, communicating them, and initiating them when need to, but do it without bitterness. Okay. The last step I want to touch on is to invite new connections. Now, it may not seem like it now, but loss reshapes our circles, right? You may find deep comfort in support groups, faith communities, or even online spaces where others understand suicide loss. I know there was a support group that I joined when I lost my sister Emily, and I found it to be very helpful. I really found a lot of peace being able to have open and honest conversations about my feelings about loss and suicide loss specifically around other people who have also gone through the exact same thing. And I think it's very, very helpful. But the other thing you always have to remember is these people who have gone through it will understand your experience, they'll understand the pain of it, they'll understand where you've been. And I think that's really empowering and helpful. So let yourself find these people. You deserve relationships where you feel seen and safe. Okay, so now that I have given you those five steps, if you take nothing else away from today's episode, I want you to remember this. Your grief experience doesn't make you unworthy to love. Okay, you are worthy to love. It might make you look a little different, it might make you look softer in some ways or harder in others, but those who truly belong in your life will adapt to that difference. And you're allowed to outgrow relationships that can't meet your pain. And you're allowed to open your heart to new ones that can. Okay. One of the things I remind my coaching clients is love is never something you it's something you generate. So when you feel alone, remember that you can always, always generate love. Okay, you can generate that love for your lost loved one. You can generate love for yourself and for the people still learning how to love you now. So, my friends, take a deep breath. Relationships after suicide loss can be difficult and complicated, but they can also be refined, right? The fire of grief burns away what isn't real and what it reveals is what truly matters. So maybe that's deeper honesty. Maybe it's a compassion for yourself, maybe it's finding people who can walk this road with you with empathy and not answers. Whatever it is, just remember you are loved, you are cared about, you are strong. I know you can get through this and do this. And even if your relationships are feeling and looking a little bit different, there's so much love and new relationships, possible relationships out there for you. Don't forget about that. All right, until next time, be gentle with yourself. Remember, you're rebuilding a life after loss, and that's nothing short of sacred. Again, until next time, bye-bye.

SPEAKER_01 22:01

Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also, check out survived-2-thrive.com for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.