Episode 120: When you don't feel like doing ANYTHING!

We explore why grief after suicide loss can erase motivation and how to honor that reality without shame. We reframe “doing nothing” as healing, then map tiny actions, five-minute care, and honest limits that support your nervous system and your life.

• what the grieving brain is doing when motivation vanishes
• how the “I don’t want to” loop fuels heaviness and inaction
• allowing feelings to reduce resistance and pressure
• choosing the next smallest step instead of the whole task
• lowering the bar and counting micro wins
• five-minute care containers that restore capacity
• building a bare minimum survival list
• letting grief be the reason, not the excuse
• borrowing strength from your future self
• stillness as active healing, not failure
• spotting when avoidance needs added support
• simple, compassionate closing reminders and resources

Check out my website at www.survived-two-thrive.com. Feel free to send me a message, Amy at survive-two-thrive.com. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also, check out survived-to-thrive.com for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox

As always, thanks for listening!

We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."

Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Transcript

Welcome And Purpose

SPEAKER_00 0:01

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment, even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

Why You Feel Like Doing Nothing

The Grieving Brain And Shutdown

Thought Patterns That Fuel Inaction

Normalizing Withdrawal And Basics

Action Before Motivation

Small Steps And Lowering The Bar

Micro Care And Bare Minimum Lists

Grief As Reason Not Excuse

Borrow Strength From Future You

Stillness As Active Healing

When Avoidance Needs More Care

Closing Support And Resources

SPEAKER_01 0:55

For those of you who are new to the podcast, I want to introduce myself. My name is Amy Miller. I am the host of the Survive to Thrive podcast. I'm also a certified life coach and grief educator and also a fellow survivor of suicide loss. So I just want to give you a huge welcome to the podcast. I also want to say thank you so much for taking the time out of your grief to spend a short period and listen to some ideas and some thoughts. My hope is that they're useful for you and that you'll be able to take some nuggets of what you learn and apply them to help enrich and better your journey as a survivor of suicide loss. Also, if you are a longtime listener, thank you so much for returning each week. I appreciate and love you all. I think about you all the time. I think about you as I think about what I'm going to be talking about. I think about some of the struggles and the things that we go through as survivors of suicide loss. And so you are always on my mind and always in my heart. So thank you so much for joining me again today. All right, friends. So I really wanted to talk to you today about this topic because I think it's something that every survivor experiences. Some of us experience it daily, some of us in waves, some of us, sometimes some of us will experience it for long seasons. And that is what do you do when you just don't feel like doing anything? Not chores, not self-care, not work, not meals, not conversations, not people, not things, not holidays, not even the things that you used to love to do, right? And if you've been there or if you are right there right now, this episode is for you. So I want to talk about why this even happens in the first place. One of the things that I teach, especially when we're in the beginning stages of grief, is that grief is a full-time job. Grief is not just emotional, right? It's physical, it's cognitive, it's behavioral, it's spiritual, and neurological. And your brain is doing a lot of heavy lifting when you're in the midst of this grief experience. Because here's the truth: you're trying to make sense of a lot of things that are not sensible, right? You're trying to make sense of a world without your person. You're trying to reconcile that trauma you've experienced of suicide. You're trying to reinterpret memories, conversations you had, the things that you and your loved one discussed, the things that you didn't know and the things that you did know, right? You're trying to maintain functioning. You're trying to just wake up in the morning, you're trying to brush your teeth, you're trying to show up to your job or take your kids to school, right? You're just trying to maintain the basics, right? And you're just trying to keep yourself alive and safe. And this alone can drain your desire to really just do anything. So the point I'm trying to make here is you are not broken, right? You are a human being experiencing the weight of loss. So one of the books that I really appreciate and learn from is the book from Mary Frances O'Connor's. She did a lot of research on the grieving brain. And one of the things that she brought up is that the grieving brain processes reality differently, right? Your brain is trying to lean into an experience and learn a new world where your person is no longer physically present. And this rewiring process that we go through is very exhausting. When the nervous system is overwhelmed, it goes into complete shutdown sometimes, right? Not wanting to do anything is just a symptom of this biological overload we're experiencing. And it's not personal failure. Sometimes I think we beat ourselves up when we're going through this process because we think to ourselves, why in the world am I like this now? Why can't I just get it together? But the truth is, this is a biological thing that is happening within ourselves. And there it's not something that we necessarily can control. Okay. But I want to talk about thoughts for a moment, because thoughts is something we can control. Okay. And when we're constantly thinking the I don't want to thought, we're going to create an emotional experience from thinking that. Okay. So one of the things I reiterate in my coaching, but also in this podcast, is how thoughts create our feelings. We talk about how thoughts really impact how we're feeling in our lives. Okay. So when you're thinking the thought, I don't feel like doing anything. It creates this feeling of heaviness. It's going to create this feeling of not wanting to do anything, right? Which will drive in action. Which, if you think about it, it becomes and creates this own cycle of where we're thinking the thought, I don't want to do anything. It creates heaviness, which drives inaction, which reinforces the thought that you just don't want to do anything. Okay? Now, none of this is because of something is wrong with you. It's because this is the way our brains work. Our brains are trying to protect us, it's constantly searching for things that's harming us, that is causing us to feel uncomfortable, right? And so, of course, it's pretty natural for us to think these types of thoughts. Okay. Now, one of the things I teach is emotional resistance. The I don't feel like it response in this I don't feel like it thought is a protective response, okay? Because here's the thing grief can make every task feel very long loaded, right? Because when you're in grief, you feel the emotions in the laundry, you feel the emotions in the grocery store, you feel the emotions in the empty chair, the emotions in the holidays, emotions in silence. Sometimes your brain simply says, let's not. It believes it's keeping you safe. And this is normal. Okay? So what do you think this means about you? I want to offer you a huge reframe. Not wanting to do anything doesn't mean you aren't healing. It doesn't mean you're not strong. It doesn't mean you're stuck, it doesn't mean you're lazy, it doesn't mean you're failing. It means you're grieving. So let's pause here to normalize the truth. Grief pulls us inward. There will be days you feel like a turtle hiding in its shell, and that's okay. Right? You can be by yourself, you can take time for yourself to just be in that grief experience. You don't need to be around people, you don't need to be around doing things that you would normally do. It's okay to live the dishes in the sink. Sometimes you just need to hide for a moment, and that's okay. Grief strips us down to the basics, right? Breathing, drinking water, existing, just surviving the day. And the truth is that is not nothing. That is everything. That is actually all that we really need to do to survive, right? Breathe, drink water, exist, and survive the day. Right? Or maybe some eat some food too. But the thing is, that is everything. That's all we actually need. And sometimes grief takes us to that point where that's what we're doing. We're existing, we're drinking water, and we're breathing. The next thing I want to touch on is motivation doesn't come first. Action does. Okay. But in grief, even small actions can feel like climbing a mountain. So we're going to talk about the smallest, most doable version of action. Okay. All right. So what do you do when you don't feel like doing anything? Here are some of those small actions for the days when doing anything feels impossible. The first one is allow it. When you try to force yourself out of the feeling, you're just going to create some resistance. Okay. But when you allow it, something happens. Your nervous system sh relaxes, right? The pressure lifts, the shame decreases, the heaviness becomes lightened. So try saying something like, I'm allowed to not want to do anything today. Okay? Or say, I'm grieving. This makes sense. Or say, my body is trying to protect me. And this will subconsciously give yourself some permission to allow it. Because the truth is, permission is powerful healing. Okay. The second thing is ask this question: What is the next smallest step? Not the whole thing, not the whole task, not the end result, just the smallest step. For example, let's not think about cleaning the kitchen. Let's think about putting one dish in the sink. Okay. Let's not think about going for a walk. Let's think about putting on shoes. Let's not think about cooking dinner. Let's think about taking a plate out. Okay. Every step counts. The smallest step counts. Okay. The third thing I want to talk about is lowering the bar way lower. Okay. One of the things that coaching has taught me and I want to share with you today is that B minus effort gets results. In grief, even D minus effort is heroic. Okay. You don't need to be productive. You don't need to be high functioning. You don't need to be your old self. You just need to be you. Today's version. Okay. Some days the wind is brushing your teeth. Some days replying to one text. Some days the wind is opening the blinds. Okay. I know it sounds so small. It sounds like something that your prior self would just do automatically. But even doing these small, small things are wins. Drinking water, crying instead of numbing, resting instead of pushing. Small things are not small when you're grieving. Okay. The next thing I want to talk about is to schedule micro moments of care. Okay. So instead of planning your whole day, try five-minute containers. For example, you try five minutes of sitting in the sun. Okay. Try five minutes of just cleaning one surface. Try five minutes of journaling. Try five minutes of stretching. Five minutes of crying or even just five minutes of breathing. Five minutes can shift an entire day. All right. The fifth thing I want to talk about is to create a beer bare minimum list. This is not a to-do list. It's a survival list. Things that will just help you stay afloat. Okay. I like looking at these things because I think sometimes we get so inundated with all the to-dos and all the responsibilities, the work responsibilities, the kids' responsibilities, the family responsibilities, the friend responsibilities, all of these responsibilities, right? And I think that you need to just write down that survival list so that you can look at it and realize, you know what, this is really all that I need. So these things are just suggestions. Of course, you can write your own, but these are some of the things that I think about to stay afloat. Water, food, medication, one text to a safe person, 10 minutes of fresh air, one small act of connection, or one small act of comfort. Okay. Those items right there that I just listed are ideas of just small things that can help you stay afloat. And you know, the thing is, is you are not aiming for thriving here. You're just staying gently in motion. And I think when you see those things and how simple they are, and when we get that glass of water, when we eat that healthy meal, when we take that medication that we have been prescribed that we need, okay, we are doing some self-care that's helping us to stay afloat, okay? All right. The sixth thing I want to talk about is let grief be the reason, not the excuse. Okay. Grief is a legitimate reason you don't have capacity, okay? You can say I'm not doing that today because I'm grieving. This is honestly not avoidance. Avoidance is I'm doing this and pretending it's because I'm fine. But grief truth breeds compassion. So saying yourself, I'm doing that today because I'm grieving is perfectly acceptable. The seventh thing I want to talk about is to borrow strength from the future you. Okay? Here's the thing that I know for sure. What you are dealing with today, how you are feeling today, is not what you're going to be doing or feeling forever. Okay. So I want you to think of it in this frame. You imagine the version of you one year from now, five years from now. The version who has carried this loss, has learned, has softened, has strengthened, has found new meaning. Let that version whisper to you. You don't have to do everything. You just have to take one breath, one choice, and one step at a time. Because when I look back, okay, I've come up on eight years since my sister's passing. She died eight years ago. We found out on Thanksgiving Day, you know, and I look at how I am today versus how I was when I first heard the news or that first year, or that first Thanksgiving and Christmas that I had to grapple with the loss of my sister, right? If I could go back and whisper to that person that you don't have to do anything, you can just take one breath, you can just cry all day if you need to. You can just, you know, lay in bed. You can just do what you need to do just to keep yourself afloat. I would tell myself that a hundred, hundred times. Back then, I didn't feel so much that way. I felt like I had to just keep moving, keep doing, keep going, keep showing up, keep my responsibilities and my obligations up, right? But the truth is it wasn't necessary. And I really wish that I would have given myself that compassion and that love. So if you are in the beginning, if you have just lost your loved one, or if you have just, or if you're in that first year, even, or those first couple years where you're just really struggling, right? Let your future self give you the advice I would give myself had I had the chance. Okay. So borrow that strength. Borrow who you will be in the future to help you through what you're going through today. Okay. The eighth thing I want to say is to remember doing nothing is sometimes doing something. Okay. Healing is happening even in stillness. Think about that. Sometimes being still is exactly what you need. And being still is doing something, even though maybe it feels like you're doing nothing. Okay? Your nervous system is recalibrating, your emotions are being processed, and your brain is integrating the reality of loss, and your body is finding capacity. Rest is part of grief. Okay, it's part of the work. So sometimes what we think is nothing is something. Okay. Now I want to talk about right here is when not feeling like doing anything turns into avoidance. This part is going to be short, but it's important. If I don't feel like doing anything becomes hiding from people, hiding from life, numbing out, letting fear run your decisions, avoiding pain instead of allow it, staying stuck instead of supported, then your grief is asking for more care, not more pressure. Okay. Support doesn't mean you're weak, it means you're healing with help, which is brave. Okay. In closing, if you're in a season where motivation just feels impossible, please hear this. Okay. You are not behind. You are not failing. You're not broken. You are grieving. And grieving itself is work. Take the smallest step. Okay. Give yourself compassion. Honor your energy. Let rest be part of your healing. And if you need community, coaching, or resources, check out my website at www.survived-two-thrive.com. I have resources there for you. I appreciate you listening. You're not alone. You're surviving. And little by little you will thrive. Thank you so much for joining me. I'm so grateful that you are walking this path with me in this podcast. And I appreciate you and I love you. And I can't wait to meet you someday. Feel free to send me a message, Amy at survive-two-thrive.com, if you would like. I'm always here and I'm always listening and I'm always responding to my emails. So please, if you're feeling something that you want to reach out about, feel free to reach out. I would love to hear from you. Until next time, my friends, I hope that this path continues to carry you forward and realize and know that you are doing something even when you feel like you're doing nothing. Until next time, bye-bye.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also, check out survived-2-thrive.com for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.