Survived to Thrive Podcast

Episode 121: Finding Peace After Suicide Loss

• Amy Miller • Season 1 • Episode 121

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 24:43

We redefine peace after suicide loss as a daily practice that lives alongside grief, not a finish line or proof you are over it. We share trauma-informed tools, clean vs dirty pain, and five practical steps to make room for safety, meaning, and a future you still deserve.

• peace as practice rather than destination
• grief brain lies and unhelpful beliefs
• nervous system regulation for safety
• guilt, shame, and dirty pain re-frames
• allowing grief waves without panic
• creating meaning instead of answers
• rituals, boundaries, and supportive friendships
• rebuilding a future and allowing joy

If this episode spoke to your heart, please share it with another survivor who needs it
You didn’t choose this loss, but you can choose how you heal




As always, thanks for listening!

We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."

Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Welcome And Core Promise

SPEAKER_00

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment, even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

Grief Brain Lies And Clarifications

Why Peace Feels Hard

Trauma And A Stuck Nervous System

Unanswerable Questions And Rumination

Guilt Vs Peace And Dirty Pain

Peace Is Not Letting Go Of Them

Redefining What Peace Looks Like

Practice 1: Regulate The Body

Practice 2: Reframe Dirty Pain

Practice 3: Allow Grief Waves

Practice 4: Create Meaning, Not Answers

Practice 5: Rebuild A Future You Deserve

Peace As Ongoing Practice And Closing

SPEAKER_01

And right now you might hear that title and think peace after this, after the trauma, after the shock, after the questions that seem to never end. And I just want to start by saying this gently but clearly peace is not the same thing as being over it. Peace is not forgetting. Peace is not pretending it didn't happen. Peace is not the absence of grief. Okay. Peace for survivors of suicide loss is something different. It's quieter, it's deeper, it's earned, not given. And most importantly, peace is possible for you. Okay. Not in spite of your loss, but alongside it. So let's talk today about how. So first off, we have to discuss what peace is not. Because when we think about peace, our brains often picture a finish line, right? A destination, a place that we're going to end up, right? We think about our questions being answered. We think about all of the feelings and the emotions that we go through to be resolved. We think about the stages of grief. And if we get through all these stages, that we're going to end up in a place of peace. Okay. But this isn't the truth. Grief doesn't end, okay, but it changes form. So expecting peace to mean the end of the sadness really creates unnecessary suffering. It sets you up to believe that you're failing at grieving. Okay. Now, the thing is, is we suffer more from our thoughts about our emotions than from the emotions themselves. And this is so true in grief. Many survivors of suicide loss think that if I'm not hurting, it means I don't love them a lot enough. Or peace means acceptance, and acceptance feels like betrayal. Or if I find peace, people will think I've moved on. Okay, but these are not truths. Okay, these are grief brain lies, a concept that explains how the brain in grief becomes hyperprotective, scanning for danger, and meaning often intensifying emotions we don't need amplified. So let's clarify what peace is not. Okay. It is not being done grieving. It is not having answers to every unanswerable question. It is not pretending the loss didn't break you open. It is not constant calm. Okay. It is not forgetting your person. Okay, peace is not the removal of grief. It's the removal of resistance to grief. Okay. So why peace feels hard? Okay, suicide loss is layered with complexities that make peace feel very far away. Okay. And there's some reasons for that, and I'm going to talk about four of those reasons. Okay. The first one is that trauma dysregulates the nervous system. Okay, so here's the truth with many survivors of suicide loss. They are living with a nervous system stuck in fight, flight, or freeze mode. Okay. Peace feels impossible because your body doesn't feel safe. All right. And the truth is you're not defective. It's just your nervous system is responding to the trauma, not to you. Okay. The second reason is the brain tries to solve unsolvable questions. Okay. The thing is the mind tries to make sense of the senseless. But after suicide loss, there are questions with no satisfying answers, right? And the truth is your brain thinks peace is impossible until these questions are resolved. For example, some of the questions that I find to be most common among survivors is why didn't I know? Why didn't they say something? Could I have stopped it? Were they in pain when they died? Or did they think of me? Okay, these questions are pretty natural, pretty normal for survivors to think about these things. But peace is in the brain thinks peace is impossible until these questions are resolved. But they never will be, okay? But you can still be okay without these questions being solved. Okay. You can still move forward without these questions being solved. You can even feel peace when these questions are are not resolved. Okay. All right. The third reason is guilt and peace cannot coexist in the same moment. I think this is really important because the thing is, is guilt and peace can coexist, but they will not during the exact same moment. Okay. One of the things I talk about as a coach is clean pain versus dirty pain. Okay. Clean pain, you can still feel peace within. Okay. Dirty pain, it's impossible to feel peace with. So in the context of guilt, okay, guilt, self-blame, shame, the shoulda, the coulda, the woulda, right? That is considered dirty pain. But grief itself is clean pain. And dirty pain pushes peace away. But dirty pain isn't it is not truth. It's the brain trying to regain a sense of control. So if we're feeling a lot of guilt, if we're feeling a lot of shame or remorse, okay, this dirty pain that we're feeling is going to push away peace. Okay. But clean pain, if we're grieving, if we're feeling sad, if we're feeling love towards our loved one, if we're missing them, we still can feel peace within the clean pain. So we have to understand and be willing to differentiate guilt and peace. Okay. We can't have both at the same time, but we can still feel both in different moments and still feel peace in some moments. Okay. The fourth one I want to talk about is peace feels like letting go of the last piece of them. Okay, this is common. So normal. But the truth is, peace is not letting go of them. It's letting go of the suffering the brain has added on top of the grief. Okay. You get to keep the love, you get to keep the memories, you get to keep the connection. I often say in my podcast, but also as I'm coaching, that your relationship carries on despite them being gone. Okay. Because every time you think of them, every time you miss them, every time you feel for them, every time you yearn for them or reach for them, you're keeping that connection. Okay. Peace is not a goodbye, peace is a sophony. Okay. So what does peace or what can peace look like? Okay. So here's the thing. We have to redefine peace for survivors of suicide loss because it's probably not what you think it is. Okay. Peace is grounding, not forgetting. Peace is coming back into your body after trauma. Peace is choosing gentleness instead of self-attack. Peace is accepting the reality of the loss without drowning in it. Peace is allowing joy without guilt. Peace is being able to breathe again, sometimes only for a moment, and noticing it. Peace is crying without fearing the tears. Peace is laughing without guilt for laughing. Peace is remembering them without collapsing. Peace is planning for the future without shame. And peace is holding love and grief in the same palm. Peace is not a destination, it's a practice. Okay. So what practices actually move you towards peace? Okay, here are five trauma-informed, evidence-aligned, and coaching-supported practices that truly help. Now, if you have a notepad and paper, I highly recommend you writing these down because they're super helpful. Okay. Number one, regulate the nervous system. Okay. Peace begins in the body, not the mind. I think a lot of times we think, oh, if I could just think differently, if I could just choose a different thought, if I could just choose how to think about this, it's going to help. Okay. But you have to remember that peace begins in the body, not the mind. Because after suicide loss, your brain is loud and your body is overwhelmed and your system is truly dysregulated. So to find peace, you can't think your way there. You have to anchor your body. Okay. I always recommend using heart on hand and deep breaths, maybe lying on the ground for sensory grounding, maybe a warm shower or a weighted blanket. Okay. Maybe walking at a gentle pace. Maybe being out in nature. Okay. This is a practice that tells your nervous system you're safe enough in this moment. It kind of takes you back into being in the moment where you are now. And the thing is, is that's peace can only exist in a regulated state. So I think that's really helpful. The second one I want to talk about is to clean up that dirty pain we talked about earlier. All right. Dirty pain thoughts often sound like I should have seen it or I felt them and I should have been able to stop it. Okay. Now, these thoughts feel protective, but they create this suffering that doesn't actually protect you. So I highly recommend trying gentle reframes. Okay. For example, you can say things like, I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. I think this one is a really important reframe and a reframe that I like to use a lot because we're gonna constantly survivors just have this way of taking all that blame onto ourselves, don't we? I mean, can you relate? I know I definitely could. I was my sister's oldest sister, and I felt like at the time after she had passed, I started reflecting upon myself and what I did and what I didn't do and what I should have done and you know what I couldn't could have done, right? And this is all completely normal. So I think reframing I did the best I could with the knowledge I had is really important because the truth is if I could if I would have done it, if I could have done it, I would have, right? If I could have thought about it, I would have. Right? We don't necessarily know what we're doing in the moments that we're doing them. So reframing them that you did the best you could with the knowledge you had is really helpful. Another reframe is a loving person cannot control another's mental pain. Right? If we could have loved this out of our loved one, we would have. If our loved one could have felt and known how much they were cared about and how much they were loved, right? It wouldn't necessarily take them out of the mental pain that they were in. And I think this is a hard truth to reconcile, but I think it's an important one because that helps to release some of that burden and that pain of that guilt that we often feel as a survivor. The third one reframe that I think is really helpful is I can love them without blaming myself. Okay. I think sometimes that if we take the blame on ourselves, that's showing love towards our loved one. Okay. This is a lie. This is not the truth. We can love our loved one without carrying all the blame onto ourselves. Okay. And we have to realize that when we're reframing, it's not gonna erase the guilt completely, but it's gonna take some of that burden off of our shoulders and to care for ourselves in a way that I think is important. All right. Now, the third one that I think is really helpful is to allow grief waves without resisting them. Okay. The truth is, grief waves come. Sometimes it's embarrassing. I've noticed even in myself that I'll have a conversation. For example, I went out for a morning run with my friend this morning, and I was reflecting on some of the moments after losing my sister, and something that had touched me deeply when I was going through those initial moments of grief after losing a loved one. And I shared that, and a wave of grief just overcame me. And, you know, I felt somewhat embarrassed because I was crying with my friend on this morning run. And, you know, but then I reminded myself that these waves of grief, they come. Okay. And they're simple vibrations in the body that just happen. And that's okay. Okay. The problem comes is when your brain panics and we start to resist them. But peace comes from allowing the wave. Okay. Peace comes from allowing ourselves to have that emotional outburst, to cry in front of the friend, okay, to allow the tears flow when a song reminds you of your loved one. This is grief. Okay. This is something that happens because this is part of grief. You have to stop fighting it. Okay. You have to allow it and just remind yourself this is grief. It makes I sense that I feel this and that this wave will pass. Okay. And when you begin to stop fighting grief, grief stops fighting you. Okay. The fourth one I want to talk about is create meaning, not answers. Okay. Meaning is not the same as explanation. Okay. I really find this to be so invaluable to understand because I'm telling you, this is just something that I really struggled with myself. I really had to work on this one because I felt like I needed all the answers. I need the explanations. I needed to know why my sister did what she did, why she chose the moment that she did it. You know, who was involved, who wasn't involved, who participated, who contributed to it. But the truth of it all is it doesn't matter. Okay? Because the truth is you don't need to understand the why of their death to create meaning in your healing. Okay. Meaning can be other things. Meaning can be loving others more deeply. Meaning can be connecting with people who understand. I find this to be so helpful. Going to support groups or talking with someone who has gone through the experience or participating in conversations on social media. Okay. Connecting with people who understands can really help. Okay. Meaning can be sharing their story in your own way. Right? Maybe you need to use their story as an example. One of the groups, there's a family that I personally know that I met in the early parts of my own grief experience who lost their teenage daughter to suicide. And they did this thing which they called, and I and I'm sure they're okay with me sharing this, Rocks for Maggie. And it's a Facebook group, and it inspired people from all over the world to paint a rock for Maggie and write on their Rocks for Maggie on Facebook. And people that find these rocks will take pictures of them and they'll post them on their Facebook grief page and their Facebook, you know, Rocks for Maggie page. And I thought it was just a brilliant and amazing and a beautiful way to honor their loved one and share their story of their loved one and help people become connected and to advocate for awareness about suicide loss. I just thought it was such an amazing thing. Meaning can be living because they couldn't. Okay. Just because your loved one died doesn't mean your life has Has to completely suck. Okay. I think it's really important. We have to keep living. Our loved one would want us to keep living, right? So meaning can be living because they couldn't. Also, meaning can be turning pain into purpose. It can be turning what we're doing in our daily lives into more purposeful things, purposeful decisions, purposeful ways to carry ourselves, to talk to other people, to lift others up. Okay. Meaning can be turning pain into purpose. Meaning is chosen. Meaning is healing. Meaning is peace. Now, the fifth one I want to talk about is to rebuild a future you still deserve. Peace grows when you take steps towards a life you still deserve. Maybe it looks like choosing rest. Maybe it looks like planning a trip. I've talked about this on my podcast, how I just feel like planning trips and going on trips is so healing for me. Starting a new morning routine, that's one. Okay, maybe that means you're getting up and, you know, reading for five minutes, do practicing some self-care, maybe exercising, maybe spending some time to really fuel your body with something nutritious, right? Starting a new morning routine. Cultivating friendships that feel good. How many of us have friendships that make our burdens heavier? Maybe we need to seek and look for friendships that help us to feel better. There's something about connecting with people that lift us up that's so helpful in helping us rebuild peace. Another one is setting new boundaries. You know, maybe these people that I referenced just now that, you know, that make our lives a little bit heavier. Maybe we should set some boundaries with them. Maybe boundaries with how much time you're spending with them or how much, how many conversations or how much of your energy you're spending on the relationship. Okay. Creating boundaries or setting new boundaries. Maybe it looks like creating rituals to honor them, right? Maybe lighting candles, maybe writing letters to them, maybe participating in something that helps to honor their memory. Okay. The next one is allowing joy back in. I think that is huge. I think so many survivors feel like they can't, that they shouldn't allow it. Maybe they feel wrong about it. But you know what? Having those micro moments of laughter, something that makes you smile, something that makes you feel lifted or uplifted. I think it's important. Okay. I want to remind you that your future doesn't have to die with your person. Your future doesn't have to die with the suicide or the person that you loved. Okay. Peace is built in every future-facing decision you make, even the tiny ones. Okay? So peace is not a destination. It's a practice. It's a companion. It's something you return to over and over again, and many times as you need. So you're not betraying your person when you find your peace. You're honoring them by choosing to live the life they no longer can. Okay, my friends. So thank you so much for joining me today. If this episode spoke to your heart, please share it with another survivor who needs it. And remember, you didn't choose this loss, but you can choose how you heal. You are worthy of the peace we've been talking about. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of moving forward. All right, friends. Thank you so much for joining me. I'll see you in the next episode. Until then, bye-bye.

SPEAKER_00

Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also, check out survived 2 Thrive.com for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.