Episode 122: Dropping Should From Your Grief Vocabulary

We explore how the word should adds shame to suicide grief and offer simple reframes that invite compassion, especially during the holidays. We share three harmful shoulds, teach a four-step should detox, and close with guided statements to ground the body and heart.

• holiday stress intensifying suicide grief
• why should thoughts punish rather than guide
• three common shoulds that harm survivors
• compassionate reframes that reduce self-blame
• how thoughts shape feelings and behavior
• four-step should detox for daily use
• brief guided affirmations for nervous system calm
• resources for ongoing support and coaching

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As always, thanks for listening!

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Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Transcript

Welcome And Holiday Acknowledgment

SPEAKER_00 0:01

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment, even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

The Hidden Weight Of Should

How Should Fuels Shame And Stuckness

Three Harmful Shoulds Identified

Reframing I Should Have Prevented It

Reframing I Should Be Further Along

Reframing I Shouldn’t Feel This Way

Thoughts Create Feelings In Grief

The Four-Step Should Detox

Guided Compassion Statements

SPEAKER_01 1:05

I know right now we are in the trenches of the holidays. We just celebrated Thanksgiving, and by the time this episode releases, we'll be real super close to Christmas. In fact, I think this episode might be published either the week prior or the week of Christmas. And so I have really got you on my heart right now. I've been thinking about you. I've been thinking about how we as survivors navigate through these holidays. In fact, I just recently taught a class, an online class on navigating the holidays as a survivor of suicide loss. And I am and understand completely how suicide loss can impact our experience in the holidays. I have personal experience with it. I've helped survivors of suicide loss in my coaching practice navigate through it. And you are just really in my heart. And I think about you. I think about going through it. Many of you know that I lost my sister and I found out on Thanksgiving. And unfortunately, that just really tainted what the holidays meant for me at that time. I have made a lot of progress, a ton of progress to where I really feel like I can appreciate the holidays for what they are. And I make them mean something different than what I was making them mean when my sister had passed. So I want you to know that there is hope, that there are ways to deal with the holidays and still carry your loved one with you as you are enjoying some of the festivities and the traditions that maybe you are used to, or the festivities and traditions that you've created since the passing of your loved one, and that you can actually feel some joy and peace despite having to deal with the complexity of complex grief. So I just wanted to throw that out there in the beginning of this episode. So today, in today's episode, I'm gonna really speak directly to survivors of suicide loss, and we're gonna dive into the what carries a massive emotional load, and that is this tiny word should. Now, I spoke to this in my class. So if you attended my class, you've I already touched on this, but I thought as I was preparing this episode that this was something I really wanted to expand upon because I think this is a really, really important topic, an important concept, and something that we should really learn and take into consideration as a survivor of suicide loss. Now, this word should really creates this massive emotional load, right? We think of the word should like how we should be grieving, or what we should be feeling, or where we should be in our healing journey, or how we should be functioning as parents, partners, professionals, whatever you can fill in the blank. But the problem is that should is really this sneaky shame-coded word, right? That shows up everywhere in grief. And it leaves us feeling like we're failing at something that is already unbearably hard. So today, in today's episode, I want to help you drop should from your grief vocabulary. And this is not because your grief is wrong, because you know, I teach that everybody's grief experience is different. And so there's nothing wrong with using the word should, but because should keeps you from moving towards peace and self-compassion, which is what you deserve. So let's dive into this topic. Okay. First, we're going to talk about why the word should hurts survivors of suicide loss. Okay. If you lost someone to suicide, you already carry emotional weight, right? Shock, trauma, guilt, remorse, confusion, heartbreak, a lot of different emotions, right? Maybe relief, which can be confusing. There's so many different complex, complicated emotions that you're feeling. And adding the word should on top of that doesn't motivate, right? It punishes. And the thing is, is that should is a form of resistance. It argues with reality. It says things like this shouldn't have happened, or I should have known, or they should still be here. Okay. Now, these thoughts, they feel righteous. They feel right, but they keep us stuck in pain without progress. And in suicide loss, should often attaches itself to self-blame. Phrases like I should have done more, or I should have seen the signs, or I should be stronger by now, or I should be over the guilt. Notice what happens in your body when you think those thoughts. Okay. Most survivors feel a drop in their stomach, tightness in their chest, pressure behind their eyes. Should doesn't guide, it shames. Okay. Now, should thoughts sound factual because the thing is they use moral language, but they're actually optional thoughts that generate really painful emotions. Okay. And the truth is, grief already carries enough pain, right? So layering this self-judgment on top of it becomes cruelty towards ourselves. So today we're releasing should, not because your grief is wrong, but because you're allowed to heal without self-punishment. Okay. I want to touch on the three most harmful shoulds in suicide loss and how to release them. Okay. I think it's really important to break it down because these are super common. Now, your should phrase that you often hear yourself say to yourself might not be one of these. Okay. But the principle and the how and the steps all apply. Okay. All right. So the first one I want to talk about is I should have prevented it. All right. Are you guilty of this one? This one is so common where so many survivors feel responsible that they feel like they should have, right? And this is really the heaviest should of all. Because here's the truth. Gently, compassionately, if you have ever if you could have prevented it, you would have. Okay. And the truth is suicide is not caused by a single moment, a single conversation, or a single person's action. There are so many survivors that retrace their last conversations or the last things that they said to their loved one. And they really beat themselves up over it, right? But the truth is, it's not the phrase that you said. It's not the argument you had. It's not the disagreement you expressed. Okay. Suicide is not caused by a single moment. Okay. And I want you to really digest that. Because here's the thing: suicide is a complex intersection of pain, mental health, and human vulnerability. So what should you do? You should replace some of these thoughts with thoughts that have more compassion. For example, you could say, I should have stopped it, right? This brings a lot of pain, a lot of guilt, a lot of shame, right? And instead, you could replace it with something like this: I wish I could have prevented it. This shifts you from self-blame to grief. Okay. One is a wound, the other is healing. Okay. The next one I want to talk about is I should be further along by now. How many of you really shame yourself for your grief process? Maybe you feel like you've been in grief way too long. Maybe you feel like you're not grieving right. Maybe you're not going through the typical stages like you feel like you should be, right? Again, should, right? But who decides what further along looks like? Who gets to decide that? And the truth is, grief does not follow timelines, especially suicide grief. It's traumatic, it's nonlinear, and it's uniquely complicated. So instead, try this. Try this thought. This is where I am today, and that's okay. So instead of saying I should be further along by now, say this is where I am today, and that's okay. Okay. Or you could say something like this: I'm healing at the pace my heart requires. Okay. Do you listen? Do you hear? We're taking away the should of out of that phrase and acknowledging that this is where you are today, and that's okay. Because you're not behind. You're grieving someone you love in the wake of unimaginable loss. Okay, the third one I want to touch on is I shouldn't feel this way. Right? Now, I remember I was feeling a lot of anger. I've talked about this in the very beginning. I felt a lot of anger, not towards my sister. Not I didn't really struggle with that. I struggled with feeling angry towards other people in her life. Okay. And I remember feeling a lot of shame and guilt for feeling those feelings about those other people when I felt like in the moment that I should be focusing those feelings, not necessarily anger feelings, but grief emotions towards my sister. Like I felt like I was wasting so much time in anger towards other people that it was taking away from allowing myself to grieve my sister. Okay. But the truth was is that I wasn't doing it wrong. Okay. So some survivors think things like, I shouldn't still be crying about this. I shouldn't feel angry. I shouldn't feel numb. I shouldn't feel triggered after all this time. I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't. But the thing is, your emotions are never a problem. Okay? They're signals, they're messengers, they're not mistakes. And the thing is, emotions need permission, not policing. Okay. So one of the reframes that I suggest is instead of saying, I shouldn't still be crying about this, maybe you can instead try, it makes sense that I feel this way. Okay. Or instead of saying to yourself, I shouldn't feel angry, try saying, my feelings are understandable given my loss. Another idea is instead of saying I shouldn't get triggered after all this time, say this is part of loving someone I lost. Do you see what happened here? I dropped the should, okay, and it shifts to you from judgment to compassion. Okay. And let's face it, when we're in grief, we need less judgment and a lot more compassion. Okay. All right. Now I want to talk about something that I think is really important. I talk about thoughts a lot in my podcasting. I talk about it in my grief coaching. I talk about it in the coaching that I do because it's so powerful, right? And I want to talk and explain to you about why should is almost always a thought. Okay. And how this thought really impacts how we are feeling. Okay. So when you lose someone to suicide, some of the thoughts that come into mind is I should be doing better than this. Okay. Now, when you're thinking about this thought, you're going to feel shame. You're going to feel failure. You're going to feel discouragement, right? Because when we are saying this thought that I should be doing better than this, we're going to feel all those feelings. It's almost natural, right? And if we don't want to feel all of these same feelings as much as we're feeling them, we really need to be thinking about reframing our thoughts about it. Okay. So imagine replacing a should thought with I'm allowed to be exactly where I am today. Okay. Instead of I should be doing better than this. Think how you are allowed to be where you are. Okay. When you're thinking about how allowed you are to be where you are, you're going to feel self-compassion. You're going to feel calm. You might even feel some relief, right? And it's going to help you get more peace. It's going to help you feel more confident about talking about your grief. You're going to breathe more easily. You're going to treat yourself more kind. And it really helps your healing to become more possible. So that's the power of dropping should. Okay. Now, here's a simple tool. You can use anytime should appears in your mind. Okay. And this is what I like to call the four-step should detox. Step one, hear it. Okay. Sometimes we don't even hear that we are shoulding ourselves. Okay. Because they seem to be so automatic. They seem to be just popping in our heads, especially as a survivor of suicide loss. So step one is to hear it. Stop yourself in your tracks when you hear yourself say a should thought. Okay. The second step is to ask. Okay. Ask yourself, is this coming from grief or from judgment? And here's the thing: grief needs compassion, compassion, and judgment needs boundaries. Okay. Step three, replace it with a compassionate truth. You really need to focus on swapping should for I wish or I prefer or I'm learning. Okay. For example, instead of saying something like things should be different, okay, tweak the thought to I wish things were different. Okay. Instead of saying something like I should show up for myself today, okay? Instead say I prefer to show up for myself today. Okay. Instead of saying I should know how to carry this. Okay, switch it to I'm learning how to carry this. Do you see? It's not about changing the thoughts in their entirety, it's about tweaking them just enough to drop the should. Okay. Step four, take one grounded breath. This tells your nervous system that you are safe and that you are safe to heal. Okay. So taking one deep breath when you find yourself going through these steps, take one deep breath. And this is how we rewire grief from the inside out. Okay. Now if you are in a place where it feels safe, I want you to gently place your hand over your heart and take a deep breath. And I want you to repeat after me quietly or in your mind. Okay. I'm going to say these phrases and I want you to repeat them. I release the belief that I should be further along. I release the belief that I have should have prevented this. I release the belief that I should feel differently. I can honor my loved one without punishing myself. Okay, friends, let this settle into your body. This is what Compassion feels like. I just really want you to soak that in. Okay, my friends, thank you so much for spending this time with me today. Grief is heavy, suicide loss is complicated and should only make your heart carry more weight than it was ever meant to. But you're learning, you're growing, you're healing in real time, even if it doesn't look like it from the outside. And remember, you're not behind. You're not doing it wrong. You're navigating something that reshaped your entire world. So if today's episode resonated, please share it with someone who might need this message. And if you want more tools like this, visit me at survived-2-thrive.com or follow this podcast for weekly guidance and support. And remember, I'm cheering for you. I'm here for you. And you are doing better than you think. So until next time, just take a deep breath, release a should, and keep moving towards your healing. Thank you, my friends. Have a great week. Till next time. Bye-bye.

Encouragement, Resources, And Closing

SPEAKER_00 21:10

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