Episode 126: Hope Without Platitudes -- When you are NOT OKAY, and that's OKAY!

We explore a gentler definition of hope after suicide loss, naming why platitudes hurt and how small, truthful choices can carry us through. We lean into borrowed hope, rest over pressure, and the fear that healing might mean forgetting.

• rejecting forced positivity and neat explanations
• why platitudes feel like pressure on grief
• redefining hope as survival, rest and small choices
• choosing not to decide in temporary pain
• borrowing hope from helpers and community
• addressing the fear that healing erases love
• seeing relief as valid progress and space between waves
• practical ways to regulate and pace healing

If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes!

Also, check out survived-to-thrive.com for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox

As always, thanks for listening!

We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."

Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Transcript

Welcome And Purpose

SPEAKER_00 0:01

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment, even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

SPEAKER_01 1:01

So thankful for you all. I hope you're doing well. As I'm recording this podcast, I've been hearing news of a really strong storm hitting pretty severely in a lot of parts in the United States. So if you're in the United States and you're dealing with this storm, I'm thinking about you.

Naming The Storm And The Mood

SPEAKER_01 1:19

So today I wanted to talk about something that I think really impacts suicide loss survivors. And before we get into the podcast and talk about this topic, I want to start by saying this. You don't need to feel hopeful today. Okay. You don't need to feel strong. You don't need to believe anything will ever feel better. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you if hope feels impossible right now. Okay. So this podcast episode is not about forcing optimism. It's not about finding a silver lining. And it's definitely not about being grateful

Rejecting Forced Positivity

SPEAKER_01 1:59

for your loss. This episode is about hope that doesn't ask you to betray your pain. Because I think one of the hardest things about surviving suicide loss isn't just the grief, it's the pressure, the pressure to heal, this pressure to move forward, this pressure to believe that things will somehow be okay. Okay. And when you can't access that hope, it can really feel like you're falling at grief. Okay. But here's the truth: you're not. So today we're going to be talking about what real hope actually looks like after suicide loss and why platitudes hurt so deeply and how hope can exist quietly, even when you're feeling broken. Okay. So

Why Platitudes Hurt

SPEAKER_01 2:50

after suicide loss, survivors are often surrounded by phrases like they wouldn't want you to be sad, or everything happens for a reason. Or at least they're at peace. That was a very common one that I would receive. Time heals all wounds. Or you'll be stronger because of this. Now, I understand when people say these things, they're meaning well, right? But the truth is these statements can feel like a punch to the chest. And why is that? It's because platitudes ask you to override your lived experience. They suggest things like that your pain should already make sense, or that meaning should already exist, or that acceptance should already be available. But suicide loss doesn't come with neat explanations. It comes with shock and trauma, unanswered questions, confusion, and a shattered sense of safety. And platitudes often feel like an attempt to close the door on your grief because you even you've even had it, you haven't even had a chance to breathe inside of it. And here's something important to understand. If these hopeful statements make you angry, numb, or disconnected, that doesn't mean you're resistant to hilling. It means your nervous system is truly trying to protect you. Okay. So there's this underlying belief in our culture that hope is something you should just generate, right? That if you just would think differently, if you just shift your mindset, if you just focus on the future, right, you'll feel better. Now I understand

Redefining Real Hope

SPEAKER_01 4:35

this. I find myself going into this, jumping into this. And while there is some truth in it, you have to understand that when you deal with suicide loss, it's a trauma and an attachment rupture. And your brain is trying to understand something it cannot fully comprehend. And your body is impacted, your body is still bracing for impact, right? The your heart is trying to survive this absence that shouldn't even exist, right? So when someone tells you to stay positive, what your system hears is this your pain is inconvenient, your grief is too much, you should be further along. Okay. And that's not hope, that's pressure. So, with all that said, I want to talk to you as a survivor of suicide loss and explain to you what hope really actually is. Okay. And we have to do this by redefining it in a way that doesn't hurt. Okay. First off, we have to discuss what hope is not, okay, after suicide loss. Hope is not believing everything will be okay. Hope is not feeling optimistic about the future. Hope is not having clarity or answers or feeling motivated or inspired. Okay. Hope, real hope, is much quieter than that. Hope is just getting through the day without knowing how you'll get through tomorrow, right? Real hope is staying alive even when you don't

Choosing Rest Over Pressure

SPEAKER_01 6:24

feel like living. Okay. Real hope is letting yourself rest instead of forcing progress. I think so many survivors, and I see this all the time in my coaching, is how we just want to get through it. We want to get it over with, we just want to face it and deal with it and get it done and just be close that chapter, right? But sometimes the rest portion is more important than the work portion of your progress. Okay. Hope is choosing not to make permanent decisions in temporary pain. Right. I know sometimes we feel like we have to suddenly change, you know, and making these big, big decisions after a suicide loss. Sometimes you have to just rest for a minute. Okay. Take some time. Decide not to decide right now. Okay. Hope is not a feeling. Hope is often a choice to not give up, even when you don't believe yet. Sometimes hope looks like I don't see a future, but I'm still here, or I don't feel okay, but I'm breathing. I don't know how this ends, but I won't end it today. That counts. That matters. That is enough. Okay, so there's going to be seasons in your grief experience where you feel like you cannot access hope on your own, right? And that is not failure. That is human. This is where borrowed hope comes in. Okay. Borrowed hope sounds like I don't believe this will get easier,

Borrowed Hope And Support

SPEAKER_01 8:07

but someone else says it might. Okay. Borrowed hope sounds like I can't imagine peace. But others who've gone through the same type of loss have found it. Okay. Borrowed hope sounds like I don't trust life, but I do trust this one person who says I don't have to decide anything yet. Okay. Borrowed hope allows you to lean on therapists, coaches, support groups, podcasts like this, people who have walked this road longer than you. You don't have to believe the thing with hope is you don't have to believe it fully. Okay. You just have to not shut the door completely. And sometimes borrowed hope is simply staying open to the possibility that your current perspective is shaped by trauma and may not be permanent. Okay. So I want you to really consider this. All right, that simply staying open to the possibility that your current perspective is shaped by trauma and may not be permanent. Okay. I really, really hope that you will consider that. All right. Now let's talk about one of

Fear Of Forgetting While Healing

SPEAKER_01 9:39

the biggest fears survivors have. And that is if I heal, I'll forget them. If I feel better, it means they mattered less. If I moved forward, I'm leaving them behind. Let me be very clear. Healing does not erase love. Peace does not replace grief. Joy does not mean you've let go. You don't move on from suicide loss. You carry it differently. And hope doesn't mean the pain disappears. It means the pain no longer controls every moment of your life. So what if pain is just less pain? What if hope isn't happiness? What if hope is simply fewer panic spirals? What if hope is simply less guilt? What if hope is more moments of neutrality? What if hope is slightly more space between the waves? Hope doesn't arrive as a sunrise. It arrives as relief, and relief is allowed. Okay. Now, if you're listening to this and you're thinking, I still still don't feel hopeful, I want you to hear this. You don't need to feel hopeful to be healing. You don't need answers, you don't need clarity, you don't need faith in the future. Okay. All you need is permission to take this one moment at a time. And the truth is, hope doesn't demand belief. Hope doesn't rush you. Hope doesn't minimize

Hope As Relief And Small Wins

SPEAKER_01 11:11

your pain. Sometimes hope is simply staying. Okay. And if that's all you can do today, that is more than enough. You are not broken, you are not failing, and you are not alone. I'm just so glad you're here. All right, my friends. Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope, speaking of hope, that you will just take a little piece of this episode and carry it with you throughout the week. Okay, because again, hope doesn't have to be huge. Hope doesn't have to be big. Hope doesn't have to be a complete mindset change. Hope just has to be a little bit of a glimpse, just a little bit of knowledge that you can get through today. All right, my friends, thank you so much for listening.

SPEAKER_00 12:04

Until next week. Bye-bye. Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also, check out survived-2-thrive.com

Closing And Resources

SPEAKER_00 12:23

for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.