Episode 128: The Fear of It Happening It Again

We dig into the fear of it happening again after suicide loss and how the brain’s need for safety creates constant scanning. We share tools to tell anxiety from intuition and to choose presence and connection over control.

• why hypervigilance rises after suicide loss
• how the brain rehearses worst case to feel safe
• the costs of the illusion of control
• intuition versus anxiety and how to tell
• practical steps to regulate before reacting
• choosing connection language over interrogation
• accepting uncertainty to reclaim peace
• living brave instead of guarded
• a grounding mantra to use this week

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As always, thanks for listening!

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Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment, even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

Naming The Central Fear

Why The Brain Scans For Danger

The What If Spiral

The Illusion Of Control

Intuition Versus Anxiety

The Fear Of Surviving It Twice

Practices To Live Without Dread

SPEAKER_01 0:37

You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 128. The fear of it happening again. Hey friends, welcome back to the podcast. My fellow survivors, listen, I think about you all the time. I care about you. I love you so much. I know personally the experience of losing a loved one to suicide. And I just know how deep that grief can get, how painful it is, how challenging it is to be left picking up the pieces. I know what it's like. So I know what you're experiencing. I know the feelings that come, the thoughts that we think, the way that it impacts each and every single one of us in our lives. And while all of our grief experiences and the relationships we have with the people that we've lost, we're all unique. We all can come together and understand that losing someone to suicide is something like nothing else, right? It's an experience all of its own. There's layers, there's complication, there's complexity. And yet here you are coming each week, showing up, listening, trying to make sense of the senseless, get it diving into topics that are challenging to face. So I just want to give you a big hug and let you know I love you so much, that I care about you, that you've got this, that you're going to get through this, that you have what it takes, and you're not alone in this experience as a survivor of suicide loss. And I just felt the need to share that with you today. All right, friends. So today we're going to be talking about something, a topic. Now, this topic that we're talking about today is fear, the fear of it happening again, specifically. I recorded a recent topic about fear and how fear can impact us as a survivor of suicide loss. I really wanted to dive a little bit deeper into this topic of the fear of it happening again, because let's face it, this is something that many survivors feel, but we don't always say it out loud, right? We don't really talk about it. And it is a topic that I think that many of us get plagued with. And we think a lot of things and we feel a lot of things when it's related to fear, right? The fear that it could happen again, the fear of losing another person you love, the fear that you missed the signs, that you're missing signs, and the fear of not being able to survive it twice. Now listen, if you're feeling this, if you have felt your chest tighten when someone you love doesn't answer their phone, right? Or if you've spiraled because your child seemed withdrawn for a few days, or if you're feeling hyper-aware of mood changes in either friends, coworkers, your spouse, your family, okay, you're not broken and you're certainly not going crazy. Okay. This is your nervous system, right? Your nervous system has been through trauma. And today we're going to be talking about why this fear is so common after suicide loss, why your brain keeps scanning for danger. Okay. We're going to be talking about the difference between intuition and anxiety. And we're going to be talking about how to live fully without being moved by this fear and by dread. Okay. So, first off, we're going to be talking about why this fear makes so much sense. When you lose someone to suicide, your brain experiences a traumatic rupture. Okay. Your mind starts asking questions like how did I miss it? Could I have stopped it? What signs were there? What signs did I ignore? Okay, your brain is a prediction machine. Its job is survival. And after trauma, it upgrades to hyper-survival mode. It says things like, Well, we will never be blindsided again, right? So it starts scanning, it scans tone, it scans text, it scans pauses, it scans facial expression, it scans silence. This is not weakness, this is a trauma response, right? Okay. The brain believes if I can predict it, I can prevent it. But here's the hard truth. Hypervigilance feels protective, but it doesn't actually create control, right? It creates exhaustion. Okay. All right, so the what-if leaps, let's talk about those. Let's talk about those what-if spots, the what-if spiral is what I like to call it, right? This spiral goes to these types of questions. What if I miss it again? What if my child is depressed and hiding it? What if my spouse is struggling and won't tell me? What if I'm naive? What if I trust too much? Okay. So your brain thinks running these scenarios keeps you prepared, right? But what it actually does is rehearse trauma. Okay. Every what if triggers your nervous system? Your body reacts as if it's happening now. You feel dread, you feel tightness, you feel adrenaline, you feel urgency. And here's the tricky part because suicide loss shattered your sense of predictability. Your brain no longer trusts everything is fine. Okay. So, for example, calm feels suspicious, peace feels temporary, joy feels fragile. So your brain says, don't relax, stay alert, but staying alert 24-7 is not sustainable. And it is not the same thing as loving someone well. Okay. So let's talk about the illusion of control. And I call it illusion because that's exactly what it is. And this part is tender because many survivors carry an unspoken belief. Okay. And that is things like if I had been more aware, I could have stopped it. Okay, whether that is true or not isn't the point here. Your brain learned more vigilance equals more safety. So now it tries to overcorrect, right? You monitor, you check, you analyze, you question, you replay conversations. But here's what we have to gently confront. Okay? You cannot control another adult's choice. Okay. You cannot control another person's mind. You cannot control or eliminate all risk from life. All right. And that is terrifying. But trying to control what is uncontrollable stills your present life. It stills connection, it stills joy, it stills trust. And sometimes it even creates tension in relationships. Because when fear drives us, we become overbearing, over-monitoring, emotionally reactive, quick to assume the worst. Right? For example, the other day I got a call from my daughter's high school saying that my daughter didn't show up for class. Okay. Now my mind goes to worst case scenario. It goes to, oh my word, something's wrong. Something's terribly wrong, right? It just feels like it wants to go there. Right. But the truth is, is that usually it's just an error. Usually it's just my child was late and didn't make it in time, so she missed role, or maybe the teacher missed that my child was present, you know, things like that, right? But my brain was clicked to us in the worst. Okay. And so fear does us to us, right? It drives us to be overbearing, overreacting, emotionally reactive, click to us in the worst. And the reason is it's not because we don't love, but because we love so deeply, right? So this is part of the normal thing that occurs when you're in fear mode. Okay. All right, let's talk about intuition versus anxiety. Because many survivors ask me, how do I know if it's intuition, this fear I'm feeling, or if it's anxiety? And this is an important distinction. Okay. Anxiety feels urgent, it feels loud, it demands immediate action. It catastrophizes, it jumps to worst case scenarios, right? Just like that example that I provided earlier about my daughter not showing up to class, right? I start to go to my diet, child's dead, she's been taken, you know, when she doesn't show up to class. Okay. And what anxiety says is something is wrong. Fix it now. Okay. But intuition is quieter, it's grounded, it's clear, it's not frantic. Okay. Intuition says check in gently. Okay. So the difference here is anxiety comes with panic, intuition comes with steadiness. And if your body is activated and your heart's racing and your mind is spinning, that's anxiety. And anxiety deserves compassion, but it does not need to be obeyed. Okay. All right, let's talk here about the fear of surviving it twice. This is a layer that many just don't say out loud. It's not just fear of losing someone, it's fear of surviving it again. Okay, you think I barely survived this, I could not go through this twice. I would break. Okay, your brain uses that belief to justify constant scanning. But let's pause. Okay, you survived something unimaginable and you are still here. You have grown in ways you never asked to. You have strength you never wanted to need. The belief I couldn't survive it again feels protective, but it isn't necessarily true. And how do I know this? Because you survived it before. Okay, and we don't need to test it, but we also don't need to live as though it's inevitable. Okay, so how do we live without constant dread and constant fear? What do we do? Okay, we don't pretend fear doesn't exist, we don't shame ourselves for feeling it, we don't detach from people, instead, we number one name it. Okay, you name it. For example, you say something like this, I am having the fear of it happening again. That language creates space, it separates you from the thought. You are not the fear, you are experiencing fear, okay. Number two, you regulate before you react. Okay, so when fear spot spikes up, you start breathing slowly, you feel your feet on the floor, you lengthen your exhale, you step away from your phone, you have to calm your body first, then decide. Okay, number three, you choose loving connection over monitoring, okay? Instead of being an interrogator, right? Like, have you noticed this? Like when you notice like someone that you love is seems a little down, and you're like interrogating them. How are you really? Are you sure you don't seem okay? Okay, instead of sounding like this, try. I love you, I'm here for you if you need me to talk, or you matter to me, okay? Because connection builds safety more effectively than surveillance. Okay, number four, accept the truth of uncertainty. This one is important, this is part of the deepest work. The truth is life is uncertain, it just is, always was, always will be. Suicide loss didn't create uncertainty, right? It revealed it, and when we accept uncertainty, instead of fighting it, we reclaim peace. Okay, you can say, I cannot control everything, but I can love fully today. All right, now in closing, we're gonna talk about living brave, not guarded. There is a difference between being guarded and being brave. Okay, guarded says nothing bad can ever happen again, but brave says something bad could happen, and I will still choose to love. Okay, you're not required to live in dread to prove it, prove you care. You're not required to scan for danger to be a good parent, a good spouse, or a good friend. Love does not require hypervigilance, it requires presence, and the greatest you can give the people still here is a regulated, grounded, open version of you, not a constantly scanning one. Okay, my friends. So if this is you, I hope you lessen this inside of you, okay? Live brave, not guarded. All right, my friends. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who could probably use it. But I also want you to know you are not alone in the sphere. You don't have to white-knuckle your way through it. Okay, this is the kind of work we do in my coaching program. We learn how to manage the mind and nervous system. So fear doesn't live in your life. And even if you've never worked with me, I want you to practice this one sentence this week. Okay? I can love deeply without living in constant dread. Say it, write it, breathe it. You're allowed to feel safe again. Alright, my friends, I'm so glad you're here. Until next time, I'll see you next week. Bye-bye.

SPEAKER_00 16:01

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