Episode 130: When People Lie, Gossip, Or Turn Against You In Grief!

Grief after suicide loss can get even heavier when other people lie, gossip, or twist the story. I walk through why this happens, why it cuts so deep, and how we protect our peace without becoming hardened. 
• suicide loss as grief plus social pain 
• why people reach for narratives when they cannot sit with discomfort 
• how betrayal, isolation, and safety threats amplify complicated grief 
• the meaning frames that intensify suffering 
• what we cannot control in other people 
• what we can control: meaning, access, engagement, and our response 
• practical boundaries, limiting exposure, and choosing safe people 
• letting silence hold power and releasing the need to be understood 
If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also, check out survived-to-thrive.com for more information and to subscribe.

As always, thanks for listening!

We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."

Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/

Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com

Transcript

Welcome To Survived To Thrive

SPEAKER_01 0:01

You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment, even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.

Share The Podcast With Survivors

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Hey friends, welcome back to the podcast. Thankful you are here. I just so appreciative. My podcast has been growing significantly. So thank you. Thank you for sharing. If you have been wondering how to get this podcast out, I would just suggest recommending it to your friends, sending a direct link to your spot with your Spotify link, your Apple, iTunes, whatever listening platform you use, just send a link directly to an episode that resonates with you. The more people that get access to this podcast that are survivors of suicide loss, the better. I feel like we need to get more information out for survivors so they don't feel like they're still alone as they're trying to process this complicated grief experience that they're experiencing.

When People Lie During Grief

SPEAKER_00 1:38

So I've been doing some coaching sessions lately, and I've been thinking a lot about this with my clients about when people lie, gossip, or turn against you. And it really got me thinking about this topic. It got me thinking about how we sometimes experience this as we are already dealing with our grief experience. And then we add this additional layer to the experience. It can really get to us. It can really overwhelm us. It can really make us feel a lot of pain. And there's a good chance you, as a survivor of suicide loss, has experienced something like this on top of your grief. Not just the loss itself, but the way other people have responded to it. And maybe people have said things that aren't true, maybe they've made some assumptions, maybe they've spread rumors, judged you, or even been outright vindictive. I've seen this as well. And you're sitting there thinking, you know, how could anyone do this, especially after what I've already been through, right? We start to see things in people that we didn't see before. We saw, you know, as we were going through this experience, how people were treating your experience, that how they were handling your own personal grief or how they were handling the actual suicide portion of this grief. So if that's you, this episode is made specifically for you. Because today we're going to be talking about why this happens, why it hurts so deeply, and most importantly, really how to protect your peace without becoming so hardened or bittered about it. Okay.

Why People Create Harmful Stories

SPEAKER_00 3:17

So losing someone to suicide is already one of the most complex, painful human experiences. I think all of you would agree with that statement. I think as you have gone through this experience and you have felt the pain of learning the news, as you have been trying to sort through all of the emotions that you've been feeling, you would probably agree with me that it is one of the most painful human experiences a person could ever deal with. Even those of you who have experienced other losses in other ways, there is a difference, right? There's a difference in losing someone to suicide loss. It's hard to explain unless you have experienced the experience yourself, right? Because there's grief, there's confusion, there are often unanswered questions, and then sometimes there's social pain layered on top of it. And this can look like people speculating about what happened, or maybe they're blaming you or your loved one, or they're sharing private details that weren't theirs to share. Maybe they're creating stories to make themselves feel better, or even distancing themselves in ways that feel really cold or cruel, right? I know this kind of pain hits differently, right? Because now it's not just this loss that you've experienced. It's loss plus betrayal, injustice, and isolation. And your nervous system feels all of it. So you might feel angry, defensive, shocked, deeply hurt, or even questioning your own reality. And I want you to hear this, okay? Your reaction is completely human, okay? So you might be asking yourself, why do people do this? Okay. This is one of the biggest questions I think survivors ask. Why would anyone act this way? Why would they respond this way? Right? Let's unpack this, okay? Honestly, most of the time, it's not because you deserved it. It's because people just don't know how to sit with something that's really uncomfortable. Okay. They don't know how to sit with discomfort. And when something as painful and complicated as suicide happens, people like to look for explanations. They try to reduce the uncertainty. They want a story that makes them feel better or makes them feel safe. You know, and we all do this, right, to some degree or another. Like when you hear something tragic happening to someone, then we're always like searching for how this could happen, why this happened, who was to blame, who is at fault, right? Because that's our natural response. We need in our brains explanations, right? The trouble is with suicide loss, is there's a lot of things that cannot be explained, right? But if we're searching for a story, if we're trying to look for explanations, right, it fills in some gaps, right, for people. So sometimes that ends up being assumptions or half-truths or completely false narrative. And here's the hard truth. People often choose a story that protects them, not one that honors you. Okay. Some people, I think, may want to feel morally superior. Or maybe they want to avoid their own guilt or fear. Or maybe they want to simply engage in gossip because they just don't know what else to do. Okay. And occasionally, yes, there are people who act from insecurity, jealousy, or unresolved issues, and that's real too. Okay. But none of it, now I emphasize none of it is a reflection of your worth. Okay.

Why Rumors Hurt So Much

SPEAKER_00 7:01

So why does this hurt so much? This kind of experience cuts deep because number one, you're already emotionally vulnerable. Okay. Your system is open, it's raw, it's trying to survive. Okay. So while you're experiencing all these deep, intense emotions, it's like adding salt to the wound, right? Number two, it distorts your loved one's story. And that can feel incredibly protective and sacred to you. Okay. So I want you to be careful because when someone is distorting your loved one's story, you know, you're gonna feel all of these defensive emotions, right? You you're gonna want to feel like you need to prove them wrong. Okay. But here's the truth you don't owe anyone to prove anyone anything. Okay, you just don't. So don't waste too much energy or spend too much time on coming up with defensive arguments or things to say in response, okay? Because a lot of times when they're trying to think of their own things and their own thoughts, us being defensive about it isn't really going to change it anyway. They're still free to think how they're gonna think, they're still going to feel how they want to feel. So I think it's a real good reminder to remember that your piece is worth more than their thoughts and their feelings. Okay. Number three, it creates isolation. Okay, you may feel like you can't trust people anymore, right? Because what happens is when people start talking and they start saying things, you feel like you have to kind of carry it alone because it's obvious that this person who you've trusted and you've shared something with has basically ruined that trust, right? So you may feel some isolation, so it really creates an additional layer of pain. Okay. The fourth reason is it challenges your sense of safety. If people can do this now, when you're grieving, when when can you feel safe? Okay, so here's something important: the pain you feel isn't about what they said, it's about what it means. Okay, these are the meaning frames in which we gather from these different scenarios. Number one, I'm not safe. Number two, people are against me. Number three, I have to defend myself, and number four, I'm alone in this. Okay, these meanings are what amplify the suffering.

What You Can Control Now

SPEAKER_00 9:51

So, what can you do to control this? Well, let's talk about that. This is where you begin to reclaim your power because right now it might feel like they're doing this to me and I'm stuck. But let's separate this out, okay? Here are the things you cannot control. And I think it's really important to remember what you cannot control. All right. Number one, what people say. Okay, we cannot control it no matter how much we want to. People are gonna say what they're going to say, whether that's in front of you, whether that's around you, whether that's around other people that you know, or simply what they're saying in public arenas or on social media, or just in conversations with, you know, people that you may know, okay. You cannot control what people say. You also cannot control what they believe. A lot of times when we are trying to make sense of the senseless, we come up with a narrative, we come up with a story, okay? And a lot of times these stories that we make in our heads to help offer some of the, well, I guess I should say to help, you know, narrow the gap of the unanswerable things, right? To be able to explain some of the things that have no explanation, right? And it's to make our brains feel like we have a little bit more control, that we are able to understand more clearly what happened, right? So what you can't control is what these people believe. They're gonna have their own narratives, they're gonna have their own stories, and you as well are gonna have your own narratives and your own stories, okay? The next thing you cannot control is the stories they tell. All right. Have you noticed that people that are in your circle or in your life that had an association with your loved one that you passed that passed, that they had a story and their story was different than yours. Okay, that's okay. That's their story, not yours. Okay, don't feel like because they are talking about their own narrative, that you cannot talk about your own narrative. Okay. What you also cannot control is what a person's character is, right? We cannot control how much integrity they have, we cannot control how honest they are, we cannot control what their personality is like or how they talk to people or how they say certain phrases or words, okay? So I think it's really important to understand what you cannot control because there are certain things that we can control, okay? Number one, we can control what we make it mean, right? What does this mean? If they're telling a story and it feels very, very ick, okay, what do you make that mean? Do you make it that mean about something about your loss or your own personal experience? Or can you choose to make it mean something about them? Okay, can you choose to make it mean something about who they are, okay, and not about who you are or who your loved one was or who your loved one is? Okay, so I want you to be mindful that you have control on what you make it mean, okay? You can also control how much access they have to you, okay? How often are you answering those calls? How often are you answering those texts? How often are you engaging with this person who is deliberately spreading rumors or gossiping about you and you know it? Okay, there's so many survivors out there that are constantly putting themselves in harm's way with these certain people that are doing this because they feel loyal, they that they have to, that because they're part of your family that you need to, right? Not necessarily the truth, okay? So you can control how much access they have to you, okay? And you get to decide on how much access there is. Maybe it's no access, maybe it's very minimal, okay? Maybe it's just family gatherings, maybe you only respond to their text once a week, maybe it's once a day if you've been texting them, if responding to them multiple times a day. You get to decide that. But I always recommend for my survivors to really do an internal check with themselves and check with themselves if they feel icky about what they are feeling after they hang up the phone or after they surround themselves with this person or after they have a conversation with this person. Okay now, another thing you can control is whether you engage or disengage. Okay. All right. So engaging means things like defending yourself, okay. Engaging means maybe having an argument or you know, trying to explain yourself away, okay. Disengage means no matter what they say, you don't make it mean anything, okay? Maybe you just ignore it, maybe you don't respond, right? Because no response is a response, right? So I highly recommend really choosing which things are worth engaging in or which things could really use you disengaging, okay? All right, another thing you get to choose and control is the story you choose to live in. Okay, you get to choose, you get to decide because this is where your healing lives, not in stopping them, but in deciding who you will be in response to them. Okay, so all you have to do is do these things, and what you do not have to do is prove yourself or correct every rumor or defend your life to people who aren't safe. Okay, you are not required to participate in every conversation about you, okay?

Practical Boundaries To Protect Peace

SPEAKER_00 16:57

So, some practical ways to protect your peace. Number one, set boundaries, say something simple, like I'm not discussing that. Okay, that's all you have to say. It doesn't say anything, it doesn't express an opinion, it just tells whoever is doing this that you're just not gonna discuss it, that you're disengaging. Okay. Number two is limit exposure. Mute, unfollow, step back. We talked about this already. Okay, you don't need to answer every text, you don't have to respond to every comment, you don't have to, you know, be uh at that family gathering if it's just too much, okay? Mute, unfollow, step back. Okay. Number three, choose your safe people carefully. Not everyone gets access to your grief. Choose the people that you can trust. Maybe it's another survivor, maybe it's a close family member, maybe it's your spouse. Okay. Choose your safe people carefully. Number four, let silence be your strength. Again, not every lie needs a response, not every comment needs a response. Okay. You don't have to. You don't have to be a part of it. You do not have to participate in the drama that people try to create. Okay. And this part can feel hard because the thing is, your brain says, if I don't correct it, it becomes true. But that's not actually how truth works. Truth doesn't require constant defense. Okay. One of the most painful attachments we carry is people need to understand me. But here's the reality: some people won't understand. Some people don't want to understand. Some people are just not capable of understanding. And with us continuing to seek validation from those people, we'll keep reopening the wound. Healing comes when you shift. Okay. Healing comes when you say, I understand me, and that's enough. Okay. You get to be the authority on your experience. You get to be the authority on your grief. You get to be the authority on your truth. Okay.

Let Truth Stand Without Defense

SPEAKER_00 19:24

So, who do you want to be in this? This is the most powerful question. Okay. Who do you want to be? Who do I want to be in response to this? Do I want to be reactive and consumed or grounded and self-led? Do you want to carry bitterness or create peace, even the presence of chaos? This doesn't mean what they said is okay. It means you refuse to let it define you. So if you are navigating lies, rumors, or hurtful behavior right now, I want you to hear this. You are allowed to protect you, your heart. Okay? You are allowed to step away. You are allowed to not engage, and you are allowed to heal, regardless of what anyone else says. Your story is not theirs to tell. And your healing does not depend upon their understanding. It depends on your willingness to come back to yourself again and again.

Closing And How To Support

SPEAKER_00 20:32

All right, my friend, I'm so glad you're here. I'm so glad you listened. I think this was an important, important message that you, as a survivor of suicide loss, needed to hear today. And I will talk to you again next week.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also, check out survived-2-thrive.com for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.