Pride and Defenestration

We start with unfiltered body talk, then tumble into everything from blood donation questions to why learning on the fly can or can't beat traditional school. The heart of the conversation lands on sewing a Pride outfit, what perfectionism is really trying to protect, and why showing up visibly for our community matters more than we think. 

• periods and feeling dizzy 
• blood types and why donating still matters 
• applied learning versus being “good at school” 
• starting sewing with an absurdly hard pattern 
• perfectionism, fragile ego and learning to accept praise 
• Pride parade in Northwest Arkansas and feeling hope 
• navigating visibility as a “safe space” person 
• Bad Dad Mean Mom moments and the word defenestration 
• mini splits versus central heat and air basics 
• newborn feeding anxiety and staying offline 
• handling a friend rushing a new relationship with boundaries 
• wedding family photo lists that keep the day moving 

If you've got a thought to share or are looking for a bit of advice on something, leave us a voicemail at the link below!

https://www.speakpipe.com/overthinkingpod

If you'd like to message us you can use the email below or the text link at the top overthinking@theoverbys.com

CONNECT:
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Website:  https://jojohnsonoverby.com/

Transcript

Postpartum Period Reality Check

SPEAKER_01 0:04

It's showtime, baby.

SPEAKER_00 0:06

It's showtime, baby. I'm so out of it today. I feel like I've said that like the last three episodes. Is that just like the the new theme for the No, it really has been since we got back from Nashville, or I got back from Nashville. I'm feeling way better this week. Like I am feeling clearer, but I started my period, not to give everybody just all the you know TMI, but I have I this is only my second one after having our last baby, and it is brutal.

SPEAKER_01 0:39

It's not a welcome return for sure.

SPEAKER_00 0:41

No, it's bad, like really bad. Yeah. Like I'm scarring my children for life.

SPEAKER_01 0:48

What do you mean?

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Because it's so heavy. Like I woke up this morning and I had forgot that I got those new, like uh I got the NYX boxers to wear at night, and I forgot, and so I just had a tampon. We're really just going in on it this morning.

SPEAKER_01 1:07

It's not where I thought we were starting the podcast, but let's scoot it.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

I uh this morning, like when I woke up, the kids came in and I was like, oh no, I need to go fix some things because I can feel it. And I got up and it's so gross. There was blood running down my legs. Like I had a tampon, but anyway, it was so bad. Well, then our kids followed me into the bathroom as they do, and they were like, What's happening? Why blood all over legs? What's I was like, Well, I've told you about periods, and they're like, Why so much? Like they were they were scared.

SPEAKER_01 1:46

They're really learning a lot, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 1:48

They were learning a lot, yeah. Yeah, it was tragic, and that pretty much is how my day is going. I should have I I've been trying to use the uh menstrual disc more, and I should have done that.

SPEAKER_01 2:04

This is a crazy start to the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

It's great.

SPEAKER_01 2:08

No, no, no. This is anyway. Not to give you too much information.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

I really like the Nixit uh menstrual disc. Yeah, but I was in a rush, and I'm just not very good at using it yet, and you know, that's all.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Yeah, no, that's that's um you've really like just understand I'm going through the Mency's start to the podcast was just not where my head was at.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

But we love that's great. We love a Mency week.

SPEAKER_01 2:33

Yeah, I mean we don't love it, it's not good, but we uh we persist.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

I feel emotionally so much better though. So that's once I'm on my period. Got it. Like the the few days week leading up, get me out of here. It's so bad.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

You're emotionally not good for weeks, and then you're no just oh just a week.

SPEAKER_00 2:54

I said a few days to a week.

SPEAKER_01 2:56

Oh, I thought you said weeks, and I was like, No. So the whole month. I may have, that's not what I meant.

SPEAKER_00 3:01

But like well, that's the thing about being a woman.

SPEAKER_01 3:05

It seems terrible.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

Not for me personally, it really it's brutal.

SPEAKER_01 3:12

Yeah, I like to suffer on my own terms, and mainly because of my own choices.

SPEAKER_00 3:18

Yeah, that is kind of your thing.

SPEAKER_01 3:20

You don't really have uh the same agency in terms of your suffering.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

No, that's kind of part of being a girl, you know. No agency.

SPEAKER_01 3:28

Yeah. Well, that's not uh the the stance of the podcast, but it is unfortunately sometimes how it works.

SPEAKER_00 3:36

The stance of the podcast is that that's how it works. Well, not that it's how it should work.

SPEAKER_01 3:40

More as a statement of fact than as a correct opinion.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

I think everybody listening knows that. That's unless this is your first episode.

SPEAKER_01 3:49

In which case wow. Wow, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:52

This but honestly, par for the course.

SPEAKER_01 3:54

This won't be the episode we link for someone to take on the first or maybe I will. Or maybe, yeah, okay. It's a trial by fire situation.

SPEAKER_00 4:04

Yeah, the people that get it get it, and the people that don't get out.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Yeah, okay. That's fine. Yeah. That's one approach. That seems like something we do, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 4:13

Yeah.

Dizziness Blood Loss And Donating

SPEAKER_00 4:14

What are you drinking today? I'm just like leading right into that.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

Yeah, I'm drinking water. I'm drinking water with a little bit of uh raspberry lemonade drops.

SPEAKER_00 4:21

I should be drinking water. I'm drinking your ghost. I saw that sour green apple. It was the only thing in there.

SPEAKER_01 4:28

It's not the only thing in there. There were multiple blooms in there.

SPEAKER_00 4:30

Not the apple.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Oh, okay. Not that I'm not sure.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

I don't like the other two flavors.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

I thought you did like the other.

SPEAKER_00 4:35

Like no, I'm a crisp apple girly for nothing else.

SPEAKER_01 4:38

Crisp apple exclusively.

SPEAKER_00 4:39

I like the strawberry watermelon, shockingly. No.

SPEAKER_01 4:43

Oh. I like Oh, the summer splash.

SPEAKER_00 4:46

The summer splash.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

Got it, got it, got it. Yep.

SPEAKER_00 4:48

Okay. Uh, would you like the rest of this?

SPEAKER_01 4:50

I I guess so.

SPEAKER_00 4:52

My head's going, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:54

That can't be helping.

SPEAKER_00 4:55

I ate breakfast and everything.

SPEAKER_01 4:57

That's an accomplishment.

SPEAKER_00 4:58

I had an egg, avocado, on a slice of sourdough.

SPEAKER_01 5:02

Real breakfast. Not real.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Real breakfast.

SPEAKER_01 5:05

Fruit loops or something.

SPEAKER_00 5:07

Real breakfast with all the different nutritional groups.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Good for you. I don't I didn't even have a real breakfast. I had leftover pizza for breakfast.

SPEAKER_00 5:14

So that's a real breakfast.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

Well, but it's not. You had eggs and like a real prepared breakfast.

SPEAKER_00 5:19

I had leftovers.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

I had a food of substance, but not a not a prepared real breakfast.

SPEAKER_00 5:26

Not eggs, which I usually do eggs, but I've been feeling a lot of like dizzy and weird in my head feelings.

SPEAKER_01 5:31

So is it the blood loss?

SPEAKER_00 5:34

I don't know. I should I have to do it.

SPEAKER_01 5:36

Is that like a significant factor?

SPEAKER_00 5:38

No. You lose enough blood that it impacts your iron levels.

SPEAKER_01 5:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

But it's only like, I think over the course of a period, it's only like a cup or two.

SPEAKER_01 5:50

Okay. I mean, that's not an insignificant amount of blood, but yeah, but it's over. Over the course of time.

SPEAKER_00 5:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:56

You're not bleeding at all.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

And you're not like a super sensitive to donating blood girl, are you? No, not at all. Okay. I said that in the fact that I guess I don't remember the last time. We should be giving blood more.

SPEAKER_00 6:08

I don't have a blood type anybody wants. Oh. Because I'm a universal receiver.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

That's right. I think. Yeah, pretty much anybody can. You're either a universal receiver or almost.

SPEAKER_00 6:18

Or almost, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:19

Are you A B I don't remember?

SPEAKER_00 6:21

I really don't know.

SPEAKER_01 6:22

You're A B positive or negative?

SPEAKER_00 6:25

I think positive.

SPEAKER_01 6:26

So I think you should be able to take any.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

Or maybe I'm not. I don't know. I we should look it up. Yeah. Because I don't actually, I'm not sure off the top.

SPEAKER_01 6:34

O negative is your universal donor.

SPEAKER_00 6:36

Donor. I know that I uh not very many people can have mine, and it's not that like nobody ever calls me being like you should give blood again.

SPEAKER_01 6:46

Yeah, you haven't been in in a minute.

SPEAKER_00 6:48

But I can give blood really easily and it's not an issue.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

You uh I'm O positive, so I'm not a universal donor, but it's still very useful.

SPEAKER_00 6:55

But you darn close.

SPEAKER_01 6:57

Yeah. Yeah, I would give doubles when I donated.

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Give doubles?

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Well, so they spin the um plasma out. Yeah. And they re-inject like plasma and saline. So you don't lose two whole pints of pints? Yeah. Pints of blood. That's what you're like pints, liters, quart. No, it's like not quartz. Definitely not quartz.

SPEAKER_00 7:23

That's awesome. Yeah, you should definitely be giving blood more.

SPEAKER_01 7:26

Yeah, it takes more time to do the doubles because they gotta put you on a it doesn't bother me.

SPEAKER_00 7:31

Like, I'm happy to go. We can go.

SPEAKER_01 7:33

Yeah, yeah. No, we just I should be doing that more.

SPEAKER_00 7:36

Where do you go here? I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 7:38

Do we have a that's part of the thing?

SPEAKER_00 7:39

Is I don't Because in Springfield we had the blood center.

SPEAKER_01 7:41

We had a total, but yeah, it was a very clear where you went.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Do you think there is one here? We should look it up.

SPEAKER_01 7:46

I'm sure there's a somewhere to donate blood, right? Oh, yeah, absolutely. There's somewhere to go. Right, me too. So nobody's hitting us up for blood drives lately.

SPEAKER_00 7:55

No, and I'm sure they need it.

SPEAKER_01 7:57

I would think so.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

I feel like they need it all the time.

SPEAKER_01 7:59

Yeah, they always need blood.

SPEAKER_00 8:01

Crazy.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Isn't that crazy? How do you think they figured that out?

Learning Styles And Doctor Daydreams

SPEAKER_01 8:05

That you like to give people blood?

SPEAKER_00 8:07

That you could take people's blood out of one person's body and put it into somebody else's blood.

SPEAKER_01 8:11

For a while they didn't know all the blood types, so they would put it in people and sometimes it would work, and sometimes it would go terribly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:18

What happens if it's not the right blood type?

SPEAKER_01 8:20

I that's a good question. And I was having that thought as I was talking out loud that I I have so many questions.

SPEAKER_00 8:25

Sometimes I'm like, maybe I should have been a doctor, just so I have the answer to all of these questions.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Yeah, I feel like you could kind of have been a doctor. You don't like science so much.

SPEAKER_00 8:35

I don't think that's true. I don't think it's that I don't like science. I think it's I don't like school, which I understand means that being a doctor would be really hard because it's a lot of school and studying and truly whatever. But I always liked medical and I do fine around medical.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

Yeah, I think you could that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 8:52

I think you Everybody was surprised that I didn't in when I was younger, not in my adult years, but when I was a kid, that because of how much time I spent around medical with my mom, people were surprised that wasn't the direction.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Like I think you could do applied science.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 9:10

Where you had like a knowledge in your buttons, so no, but if you knew the application of science, I think you'd be better with it. You don't love generalized science knowledge.

SPEAKER_00 9:21

No.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:23

Not at all. Medical would at least be useful in terms of I don't really like how our education system works at all. It does not hold my attention.

SPEAKER_01 9:30

Interesting.

SPEAKER_00 9:31

Because I don't feel like, at least in my education experience, I don't feel like I learned a lot of practical skills.

SPEAKER_01 9:37

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 9:38

I do think that I learned about critical thinking and a lot of that, which was helpful and applicable. I had a really hard time. I just don't know that I had that many good teachers for your whatever my learning type is. I think that I had plenty of teachers. I wouldn't want to say I didn't have good teachers because I'm sure I had plenty of phenomenal teachers, but uh it wasn't good for me.

SPEAKER_01 10:03

That's fair. Yeah, I engineering was definitely much more an applied. You learned a good mix of skills and problem solving. And there was much more of a focus of this is how you actually apply some of the knowledge you're gonna get here. And here's some scenarios that you could run into.

SPEAKER_00 10:20

Because I didn't do a good job as a student in college either. Like I just don't think I'm a very good student.

SPEAKER_01 10:26

No, you're not.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

I'm not. I am a quick study, I learn stuff quickly, I can apply a lot of things.

SPEAKER_01 10:34

You'd rather do it on the fly, though. I would rather learn on the fly in the field, so to speak.

SPEAKER_00 10:38

Put me, put me in, coach.

SPEAKER_01 10:40

Which so much of your first job and that kind of stuff is done that way. It's go do it. In fact, that's a lot of times what they taught us is you're not you're gonna learn a lot of things here, and you're gonna have some ability to do stuff, but you're gonna have to go into an environment. Do the job for a period of time, and then you'll have an understanding of how things go.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

So to take it back, sure, could have never made it as a medical anything because I wouldn't have made it through the school part.

SPEAKER_01 11:07

You don't think they would have just like thrown you in there and been like haha. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough.

SPEAKER_00 11:14

I wouldn't have passed the MCAT.

SPEAKER_01 11:16

Yeah, no, I'm just imagining a world where they just like although I did okay on the ACT.

SPEAKER_00 11:20

I don't know, maybe I'm not believing in myself enough. But I don't want to sound like one of those people that's like, well, I could have been a doctor. I could have easily been a doctor.

SPEAKER_01 11:27

Because I don't necessarily like it's not that I think I could have been a pro athlete if not for my No, literally, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 11:34

That's not really the the frame I'm trying to create. Like if not for my verbal dyslexia, I could have been a I mean, think about how good I am talking on this mic.

SPEAKER_01 11:43

I definitely it's a one-to-one application of that skill.

SPEAKER_00 11:49

No, literally.

SPEAKER_01 11:50

Oh man. I never had the I could have been a pro athlete. That was I do.

SPEAKER_00 11:56

You had a but you had a more reasonable but people have been really mean to me about that in my adult life. I hate just a few people, and it I've been one of them.

SPEAKER_01 12:05

It is what I've been one of those people.

SPEAKER_00 12:08

It's really stuck with me because maybe I couldn't have. Like it's not, I just my coaches and the people I grew up with doing what I was doing were like so adamant and telling me you're one of those people that could do this if you want to. Yeah. And I was like, nah.

SPEAKER_01 12:25

They believed in you so much and you had no interest.

SPEAKER_00 12:27

Yeah, and it wasn't that I didn't believe in myself, it's just like I can't be one of those people because I don't love it. Don't love it or have the interest.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

And you don't have that competitive No, and so I couldn't do it.

SPEAKER_00 12:38

That's the thing, is I couldn't. I only meant from a pure physical athleticism.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:44

I think I but I didn't have the mental. So much of that is mental and I didn't have it.

SPEAKER_01 12:49

That's true. Top tier, especially individual sports, isn't it?

SPEAKER_00 12:52

I could have done a team. I I didn't play a team sport that I was good at enough to, but I think I could have had more of the mental side with a team

Horses Individual Sports And Social Skills

SPEAKER_00 13:00

sport.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

What's the last team sport you played?

SPEAKER_00 13:02

Basketball in kindergarten.

SPEAKER_01 13:04

Kindergarten? I thought you were gonna say like fourth grade or something. Wow.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

You hung up the I played basketball in kindergarten and then I was swimming, and then I left swimming and I showed horses.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

Dang.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

And that was an individual, and then I well, that couldn't have helped your social development.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

No, taking you out of team sports in kindergarten.

SPEAKER_00 13:24

No, well, they didn't take me out of sports, I was only allowed to do one sport.

SPEAKER_01 13:27

Yeah. And you just picked ones that ended up being wild.

SPEAKER_00 13:32

Well, I liked horses, totally, and I wanted to be around horses.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

I'm not blaming the kindergartner, I'm just like, wow.

SPEAKER_00 13:38

So I did that.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

Which there's no socializing in that because you're with like one other kid and a horse. And there's no, there's no like team asset whatsoever.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

Raised by horses.

SPEAKER_00 13:55

Matt's like, I'm understanding the social issues here more and more.

SPEAKER_01 13:59

It really does. That helps just a little bit, being like, yeah, you wouldn't have picked up team skills or how to do it.

SPEAKER_00 14:06

Kind of like a homeschooled kid that was in public schools.

SPEAKER_01 14:09

Yeah, you were publicly schooled, but they put you in just the weirdest dynamics outside of the class.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

They let me do what I asked. Like those are the things I asked to be in. But my dad really liked horses and like stuff. And so I was like, horses. Then my dad'll be into what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

Oh, oh no. I was like, do you love horses or did you have to do it? No, I do love horses. I do. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 14:29

But it was like I was like, ooh, something we can relate over. I don't actually know that that's what I thought. I was like a kid.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

And then you did English.

SPEAKER_00 14:37

Yeah. We didn't really have a lot of Western. I you know, I'm sure that there is Western around us, but I feel like Western people live on farms and own horses. I don't know that there's a lot of uh like that's a very specific thing to train, like, yeah. Yeah. And they're specific horses usually, or they're well, I feel like it's people who are acting like you don't have kids who live in a neighborhood who go I'm sure you do. I'm sure it exists.

SPEAKER_01 15:11

But we're painting with a broad brush for this.

SPEAKER_00 15:13

Not anybody I knew.

SPEAKER_01 15:15

Yeah. You weren't in those circles.

SPEAKER_00 15:17

I wasn't in those circles.

SPEAKER_01 15:19

My dad has a saying. It's that all horses are brown and all horses stink. He was not a fan of horses. His sister had horses and he had a motorcycle, and his sister kicked over not his sister, his sister's horse.

SPEAKER_00 15:31

And his sister, his sister loved to pretend to be a horse, and she kicked over his motorcycle.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

Remember my dad, he might have deserved his sister just kicking over his motorcycle at that time. But um the horse kicked over his motorcycle, and that was definitely the last straw for him and horses. But so I've never been that's not true. I've been on a horse. There's a picture of me on a horse at like two years old, and that's the last time I was on a horse.

SPEAKER_00 15:57

I uh love horses, I love riding horses. I am hoping that I'm gonna get to go do that at some point in the coming years because a couple friends are talking about trips to the Great Plains.

SPEAKER_01 16:12

Wow, okay.

SPEAKER_00 16:12

We'll see.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

Who's talking about trips to the Great Plains?

SPEAKER_00 16:15

Can't tell you.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

Okay, it's top secret. Got it. Well, that could be fun.

SPEAKER_00 16:20

Could be fun.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

Those trips are definitely like what you make it, though. Yes, it's who you're with.

SPEAKER_00 16:26

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:27

There's there's great things to see, just you have to all be on the same page.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 16:31

The entertainment's not gonna come to you for chronically online this

Sewing A Pride Outfit Fast

SPEAKER_01 16:35

week. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:36

I have not been very chronically online. I've really been abandoning my duty as chronically online bringer to the podcast. But there's this really niche guy on TikTok that has been doing content learning to sew.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

Oh wow. Yeah. The content's been up for uh like two days. Yeah. Yeah. I think I know who you're talking about. I did finally start sewing. That is what Joe is alluding to. So yeah, I uh we had a pride parade that we were attending on Saturday, and Thursday or Friday basically decided that I was gonna make an outfit for you for Pride. And so noon on Friday, I actually sat down with the pattern and started going. And four o'clock on Saturday, you had a wearable garment. So it was I only slept three hours, which is a huge part of it, and worked on it pretty much constantly between those two times. But that's not true. We did something Friday night, so I was about to say that's not true at all.

SPEAKER_00 17:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:43

Yeah, that's fair. And Saturday was with the kids, it wasn't a total abandoning of my family to sew, but no, it was good. I actually really enjoyed it. I wasn't sure about it for the first four or five hours when it was pattern adjusting and cutting fabrics and lining things up.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

I think now that I got you a rotary uh cutter scissor, yeah, cutter, that's gonna really change that for you. I didn't even think to get you one before.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

I didn't think about it either until I started cutting things out, and I was like, I have seen rotary cutters and I feel like this is the exact application.

SPEAKER_00 18:19

There is a better way to do this, really.

SPEAKER_01 18:21

Yeah, because me and scissors, it just it was not the easiest. I I can see why the the shears make sense for lots of things, but cutting out whole large patterns with them was tricky. But it was a 20-piece romper, so lots of people were impressed that I actually pulled that off. But it it that speaks to my entire way I handle problems and new tasks, though. I have to go after something that's way more complicated than I need to start with.

SPEAKER_00 18:53

You need a challenge. I do want to do that. And a challenge that other people tell you you're not gonna be able to accomplish.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 18:59

Like you love people being like, it's okay if you don't do this. It's okay if you can't finish it. You it's okay if because immediately you're like, no, F you, I'm gonna do it.

SPEAKER_01 19:11

Again, see competitive. Um yeah, I have a there is also an element, if I'm really honest with myself, that I try to take on

Perfectionism Therapy And Needing Praise

SPEAKER_01 19:20

something so challenging because I know I'm a perfectionist and I'm not gonna be totally happy with what I do unless it is perfect. And so if I take on something challenging enough, people will respect the results of it, even if I'm not totally there. Where was I going like if it's challenging enough, people will be impressed by it, even if I'm not totally satisfied.

SPEAKER_00 19:45

Totally, and there is how this was every time somebody compliments you, you tell them what's wrong with it or how it's not that good.

SPEAKER_01 19:53

And that is unfortunately part of it is I like to be able to minimize my accomplishments and still also be proud of them.

SPEAKER_00 20:03

You want to minimize your accomplishment while other people telling you you're so cool and good. It's it's which honestly, at first I was like, oh, humble, like you know, and now the longer we've been married, I'm like, Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

It doesn't come from a totally humble ego. Yeah, it um I can tell you.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

That sounded like a um I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

It's because I have such a fragile ego that I can't brag about myself, but I do need people to pump me up. Right. It's what I'm currently if we're gonna be totally transparent, it's what I'm currently unloading in therapy, is I have to be okay with wanting something and being proud of myself and actually pursuing things rather than trying to suffer and signal my virtue through suffering and still wanting to be exceptional. I have to be okay with wanting to be exceptional.

SPEAKER_00 20:58

How's that going?

SPEAKER_01 20:59

It's just starting.

SPEAKER_00 21:01

So um But you feel like you're getting to the bottom of some things?

SPEAKER_01 21:04

I'm having to confront some things for sure. I'm definitely having to look at straight down the barrel. No, yeah, your therapy is, I think, purely looking at problems down the barrel. But mine is a slow roll guiding me to look at my own issues.

SPEAKER_00 21:20

That's good.

SPEAKER_01 21:21

Because I don't uh I have a high resistance to feeling like I've been manipulated by anyone, including myself. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:30

The sewing's going well though.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

The sewing is I had a lot of fun sewing, especially once I sat down on the machine and really got to go. And it makes sense why you thought I would really enjoy it because it does combine a lot of things I like, combines clothes and really technical stuff.

SPEAKER_00 21:47

I introduced Matt to all of his passions.

SPEAKER_01 21:49

That is also, yeah, that's a real issue I have as well that I don't start things unless somebody um forces you.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

I didn't force you to do this.

SPEAKER_01 21:58

You didn't force me to do it, but you Did I need a good kick to go?

SPEAKER_00 22:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

A lot of people would have been like, Why did you ask him to make you something for pride two days in advance?

SPEAKER_00 22:10

That was strategic.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

And you're like, I also didn't ask.

SPEAKER_00 22:13

I said, Well, would you want to do this?

SPEAKER_01 22:14

Yes, but I think people when they hear that on first glance are like, why that's that's a big ask. And you're like, no, he wants a big ask. Yeah. You know, you know me well enough to be like, no, he needs it to be challenging.

SPEAKER_00 22:30

For reference, we went to dinner with friends on Friday night, and Matt was oh, that was I was I was barely cutting stuff out. Yeah, Matt had really only just cut out his pattern, and so he was telling our friends, I'm doing this, whatever, and a couple of our friends that sew that were there that were like, Joe, why would you tell him that this pattern's okay to pick? Like, why would you do that? That's so hard. And I was low key offended because I was like, Don't look at me.

SPEAKER_01 22:59

I was trying to stand up for you.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

They were trying to stand up for you.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

Yeah, totally. Well, that is so okay. To get back to therapy, I have a bad habit of um putting myself in positions where people will stand up for me so that I don't have to do it for myself. It's not totally to play the victim, it's just it's not to play the victim.

SPEAKER_00 23:19

It's just because I want to be the victim. Well, no, I don't feel like you're very victim-y, it's not actually not for being the victim.

SPEAKER_01 23:26

It's so that I can get a little piece of attention without having to ask for attention.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

Gotcha. Gotcha.

SPEAKER_01 23:34

It's like the most passive or inoffensive way to try and I'm starting to hate how I'm saying this now, but we don't have to unpack it all. That's that's the job of my therapist.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

Totally.

Pride Parade Hope In Arkansas

SPEAKER_01 23:46

That's her problem.

SPEAKER_00 23:46

Uh was this your first pride?

SPEAKER_01 23:48

Well, we went to one a couple weeks ago.

SPEAKER_00 23:51

But was this summer your first pride?

SPEAKER_01 23:54

This summer was my I've been around, but I haven't attended. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

I've attended before, that's why.

SPEAKER_01 23:59

Well, we haven't been in town for the last two or three years, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:03

Right.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

The last several years, because it would have been fun to go. And we had several times that friends of ours were planning to attend, and we've either been gone or had other things scheduled at the same time. Usually trips, usually we're just completely out of town. But it was really fun to go. I did not realize how big our pride parade was.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

Huge. I saw a headline. I don't know if this is true.

SPEAKER_01 24:25

Sure.

SPEAKER_00 24:26

But I saw a headline that more people attended our pride this year than in Dallas.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 24:32

Which is really hard for me to believe. But that's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 24:35

I mean, there was a lot of people there. The parade is a legitimate hour-long parade.

SPEAKER_00 24:39

It was an hour and ten minutes.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

Yeah. Which I was laughing because we went to Eureka several weeks ago, which is a small town by us, a very quirky small town. And that parade was like 10 minutes.

SPEAKER_00 24:50

Not even.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

If that.

SPEAKER_00 24:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

It was uh the kids loved it. They got candy. It was very it was still really, really. And it was again, it's a very quirky fun town, and so it was really well attended and celebrated.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

But we had friends that invited us wanting to come to support them, and it was really absolutely the parade was night and day compared one to the other. Yeah. The Northwest Arkansas one is really something.

SPEAKER_01 25:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:15

It was really, really cool. I felt very emotional watching because I think sometimes living here and being in the season of life that I'm in and having the interests that I do, I find myself face to face with a lot of people who have different views than I do. Um, not generally anybody really loud or anything, you know.

SPEAKER_01 25:43

It's not always people that are anti views. It's more people that are less aware of other people's issues or less it's it's a lot of people that are indifferent or just kind of like have their heads in the sand in terms of other people's experiences.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

And so I at one point I was standing next to my friend Lane and I looked over at her and I was like, this is making me cry. Yeah. Watching everybody be here together and how many people are here and how many different types of people are here. I mean, it was just this huge group and seeing all the different businesses and organizations that were in the parade as well. Yeah. So many local churches. Yeah. So many, like it was really moving. Moving and very hope core. Like it, it's the same way that I felt at the No Kings protests every time I've gone. Because we do live in Arkansas. We do live in a state that I hear more often than not. When listening to commentary, people will say things like, Well, the red states, that's a lost cause. Like, don't even do anything for them. Like, no, if people can't change it, like just cut them off. We don't need them. They should suffer. This and that. And there are parts of that that I understand where people are coming from.

SPEAKER_01 27:13

I understand the motivation up behind it for sure.

SPEAKER_00 27:16

But then I remember all of these people that I see when we go to things like this. And I'm like, there are so many people advocating and fighting for change and protesting and looking to be accepted and left to exist the way they were made and with the people that they love. And it's really moving to see the number of people come out and support in an area that people don't traditionally consider.

SPEAKER_01 27:51

Totally. Um even if we are in this little blue dot, purple dot area.

SPEAKER_00 27:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:57

Um having it like presented so forward is uh felt really good.

SPEAKER_00 28:04

I also felt really good standing next to Lane because she's one of those people that is extremely knowledgeable and very intentional with the way that she uh speaks to you. And I don't even remember what she said to me, but I remember being like, Oh, I'm so glad I'm sitting next to you because the way she responded to what I was saying like made me feel so seen and good. I was like, Well, thank goodness I'm standing next to her because otherwise I would probably be weeping right now.

SPEAKER_01 28:34

Yeah, no, it uh it was really great to go and attend. Um it was fun to take the kids and just have that. They had a blast, they had so much fun. The only disappointment was that they didn't have candy, yeah. And I'm guessing that was because uh the city didn't really want candy thrown all over the streets. It's I'm sure a major cleanup issue for them and not uh the most ecologically ideal.

SPEAKER_00 29:00

Right, totally.

SPEAKER_01 29:01

I get it, but they wanted, they were like, hey, why does this parade not have candy? That's kind of our whole thing.

SPEAKER_00 29:07

But but they did catch a necklace. They did, a necklace got thrown and caught all by themselves.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

And that is what we have talked about every day since. Yeah. She's telling everyone that she caught a necklace.

SPEAKER_00 29:17

It was really fun, and it was a lot of fun.

SPEAKER_01 29:20

Um no, it it was really I I will agree, it was moving to be part of something that people don't really associate with where we live, but is definitely a an active part and active community. And just because our representation on the state level is not uh very reflective of that.

SPEAKER_00 29:40

Well, and I don't know what your experience was, but I found myself when walking down the street and you know, perusing about, I ran into a lot of people from our community that I am acquaintances with but not

Being A Visible Safe Person

SPEAKER_00 29:56

friends with. So I've met them when they're working at a local coffee shop and I'm a regular, or I know them from uh I don't know, local businesses, things like that. And I couldn't believe the number of times I heard from people during the day. Thank you so much for being out here and like being supportive. Thank you so much for bringing your kids. Thank you so much for there. And it made me feel like maybe I haven't utilized my voice enough in letting people know where I stand and how I feel because I wanted to be like, oh, this isn't the assumption that you made. Oh, it wasn't obvious that you know I'm a safe space. And I found that really inspiring, I think. Like I found it to be motivating to, you know, try and adjust how I'm approaching that. And I really utilized it in making my content moving forward from the week because I was like, man, this isn't anything new.

SPEAKER_01 31:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:07

But it compounded with a message that I got a couple maybe a month ago or two months ago. Somebody saw me comment on a baby announcement um for a lesbian couple, and somebody messaged me privately and was like, Thank you so much. It meant the world to see that you had supported that and this and that. And it kind of crushed me because I was like, Oh, they didn't know until they saw that. Yeah, and that concerns me. You know, I don't know. Anyway, I've been thinking about that a lot because what is the etiquette? How do I navigate that? Because I I am so traditionally presenting.

SPEAKER_01 31:49

Yeah, I was gonna say that's kind of my thought as well. We present pretty straight down the middle, not very one side or the other.

SPEAKER_00 31:56

And if anything, we lean probably we present more conservative, just it's kind of the phase of life we're in and what we're right, and well, and what's currently culturally being connected to traditional values.

SPEAKER_01 32:08

Having three kids isn't always the most it's not always an ideal sign in terms of your political leanings and which is crazy because having kids is just having kids. Absolutely, but there's so many people.

SPEAKER_00 32:21

I get it. All that to be said, our friends do think it's really funny. Yeah. Or my friends think it's really funny. I was at dinner with everybody and I I told them about the few occurrences that I've had, and they think it's just because they know me and they also know who I'm sitting at a table with. Yes, you know, and it's just funny. I'm like, okay, it really does show me that I'm probably keeping more of my life private than I think, which is good. There are pieces of doing content creation in the job that I do that I want to keep a lot of my friendships private. I want to keep my private life private as much as I can while also sharing my lifestyle. It's a really weird thing.

SPEAKER_01 33:00

I would say more than private, like personal.

SPEAKER_00 33:02

Personal. That's probably a better word.

SPEAKER_01 33:03

Private makes it sound like it's something you're hiding. You're so right. It's just that you want your personal life to be personal. You don't want people to feel like there's a presentational aspect to your personal relationships. That's a much better word personal phrasing life while still giving a reflection of this is the life I live, and I'm trying to cultivate these things. And I have a message and a platform that I want to help promote and feel like can be a positive influence.

SPEAKER_00 33:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:29

And I still don't want to have to share all the personal details of my world.

SPEAKER_00 33:33

Yeah, it was amazing. Uh, it was a really, really wonderful parade.

SPEAKER_01 33:39

I think with our our group of friends, I present very stereotypical.

SPEAKER_00 33:43

And I don't think I fall that way personally, but it the shell is not well, and also you and I have talked about this recently.

SPEAKER_01 33:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:52

Is through your journey with your body and where you have been in terms of taking care of yourself, you have really backed off from style.

SPEAKER_01 34:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 34:03

Because growing up, when we were in high school into college, based on the way that you dressed and took care of yourself, there were a lot of assumptions made about you. And here nor there.

SPEAKER_01 34:15

No.

SPEAKER_00 34:15

But I feel like you've kind of swayed away from that fashion-loving part of yourself as you've been navigating.

SPEAKER_01 34:23

I've moved very neutral with a lot of things. Yeah, I did get a lot of comments and thoughts in high school and mainly high school, but some college. There was an assumption that I was gay for a while. Didn't bother me, honestly. It was usually it's a compliment. If if you're being called like aesthetically gay, that's those are people that crush it aesthetically. I'd I would prefer to be aligned with that aesthetic than like that's a very straight dude based on what he's wearing or how he's like, yeah, that's not a compliment. That's not what you want.

SPEAKER_00 34:57

No.

SPEAKER_01 34:57

If someone's like, that guy might be gay, I'm probably doing something. Like I'm I'm down with that.

SPEAKER_00 35:04

Yeah. It was a fun weekend though. I I really did. I had a blast. Any other final thoughts or feelings? Anything that really spoke to you?

SPEAKER_01 35:14

No, you talking about it is like every time you keep talking about it, it makes me emotional. But really? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 35:20

Why?

SPEAKER_01 35:21

I don't know. It it is just it felt good to celebrate all kinds of people, especially the way the world is currently, and to see those people enjoying and out and loud, and to see all the generations, that was something that was like very heartening to see is older people using their voice and um working to make sure that everybody knew that everybody um felt welcome.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

And that's just not the state of the world right now.

SPEAKER_00 35:58

No, it's really not.

SPEAKER_01 36:00

That sucks. And so the juxtaposition of seeing all of that was lovely and moving and is making me cry. So we can move on to other things.

Bad Dad Mean Mom And Wordplay

SPEAKER_01 36:15

It's just not that constructive for a podcast to cry the whole time. And uh we have to say stuff too.

SPEAKER_00 36:21

Do you have any thoughts for Bad Dad, Mean Mom?

SPEAKER_01 36:24

Bad Dad, Mean Mom. Oh man. Um, our kids want me to make stuff for them. They're disappointed that they have not already received clothing from me as well. Lots of thoughts on how that's going. Um, and I did have to pour a lot of time and effort into the sewing process that our kids got kind of siloed away to work on their own while dad was trying not to stab himself with pins. Yeah, you were there. But I had to keep them clear of all the pins and the shears and the I was doing activities and stuff. Yeah, they got they just wanted to be really involved. And I was like, I have not been picking up pins enough.

SPEAKER_00 37:02

They're all really interested in learning how to use the sewing machine first.

SPEAKER_01 37:05

They are. Our middle keeps calling it a shooter.

SPEAKER_00 37:08

A shooter?

SPEAKER_01 37:09

But he's been calling everything a shooter, not really related to how it functions or if it shoots anything.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

Well, at first I was like, is he just talking about guns all the time? How like America 250 of him?

SPEAKER_01 37:19

Yes, yeah. He little patriot.

SPEAKER_00 37:22

Come to find out that's not what he's been trying to say at all.

SPEAKER_01 37:25

No, he's just describing stuff as like launching or anything that goes through the air, like a ball.

SPEAKER_00 37:30

Yeah. We have this uh butterfly rubber band thing that twists and then shoots through the air, that yeah, a bunch of different stuff.

SPEAKER_01 37:40

He's just calling everything a shooter, but no, I I think uh that's my main Shirley.

SPEAKER_00 37:48

I was perfect this week. I've been perfect a lot of weeks lately.

SPEAKER_01 37:51

Other than the blood thing.

SPEAKER_00 37:53

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:54

Yeah, I guess there was the whole two-minute intro to the podcast.

SPEAKER_00 37:56

Yeah, I guess that was mean mom.

SPEAKER_01 37:58

That could fall under a mean mom. Yeah, for sure. So there's your bad dad mean mom moments uh of the week, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 38:04

All right, read us some text messages.

SPEAKER_01 38:05

Text messages? You don't want any words of the week?

SPEAKER_00 38:07

Oh, yeah. Well, how could I possibly forget?

SPEAKER_01 38:11

We can do the one from last week that we didn't pick. Defenestration.

SPEAKER_00 38:16

Defenestration.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

You have a guess?

SPEAKER_00 38:19

Uh oh, I I was about to start spelling it. Oh, go for it. Spell it. Uh defenestration. D E F E N I E uh F E N E S T R A T I O N.

SPEAKER_01 38:37

There you go. Defenestration. The act of throwing someone or something out of a window. Oddly specific.

SPEAKER_00 38:44

But that's what that song should be called.

SPEAKER_01 38:47

Defenestration.

SPEAKER_00 38:48

Yeah. Defenestration. Threw it out the window. The window. Threw it out the window.

SPEAKER_01 38:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:55

All the boys and all of the girls, they threw him out the window.

SPEAKER_01 38:58

Maybe they reference it in there. It could be in there.

SPEAKER_00 39:00

I don't think so.

SPEAKER_01 39:01

Maybe not. You you know the words pretty well, so you'd know better than I would. But defenestration.

SPEAKER_00 39:05

He sat on a wall, humped he dumped, he took a great fall. All the king's horses and all the king's men, they threw him out the window. The window. No?

SPEAKER_01 39:12

I don't know that singing is our forte on the podcast, but you know. We do it anyway.

SPEAKER_00 39:17

We do it anyway.

SPEAKER_01 39:19

Let's listen to some other people talk.

SPEAKER_00 39:22

We have voicemails?

SPEAKER_01 39:23

I don't know yet.

SPEAKER_00 39:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 39:26

Hopefully. Probably, maybe. We'll start with some texts. This may have to be something for my uh what's my rant podcast gonna be?

SPEAKER_00 39:35

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 39:36

Digression.

SPEAKER_00 39:37

People should name it.

SPEAKER_01 39:38

Yeah. We had an idea and I I've lost it in this

Mini Splits Versus Central HVAC

SPEAKER_01 39:41

moment. Matt, with your recent deep dive into all things air conditioning, what's your opinion on central heat and air versus the use of mini splits? Won't lie. I haven't had the uh pleasure of actually using a mini split yet, but I think they're actually pretty useful. I'm not gonna go too long on this. Maybe this will be my one of my fixation topics, but the ability to split a central system up and not have to use ductwork that that needs to be balanced and sized and oversized to some degree, but not too oversized, or you'll short cycle. I think mini splits are a cool application as long as they are thought out well. But they're a lot more flexible in terms of not needing ductwork and or needing minimal ductwork and having scalability up and down.

SPEAKER_00 40:26

I don't know anything about that.

SPEAKER_01 40:27

This is not, yeah. This is what I have to cut myself off before I go too far on it. But I think mini splits are a great way to go uh with the efficiency they provide. We'll do something a little more applicable widely.

New Parent Feeding Anxiety

SPEAKER_01 40:40

Hi, Joe and Matt. I'm a first-time mom with an almost two month-old. I feel very overwhelmed with all of the different information readily available when it comes to infants. I'm trying my best to just follow my gut and remind myself that my parents and grandparents and generations before raised kids without this information, but it's still hard not to feel mom guilt that I could be doing more. I would love to know how you guys decided to structure your days when your kids were less than six months old. Also, Joe, I know you had very different feeding experiences with each kid. Would love your insight on how you navigated feeding in general. I feel like I'm always checking the clock to see if it's been too long since the last feeding. I just worry that my daughter won't get enough or that my supply will learn run out. Clearly, a first-time parent over here, so any and all advice is appreciated.

SPEAKER_00 41:19

So, one of my biggest helps to being a human being, and this is a I don't know if I've developed this or if it's my personality. You can give me your insight. I don't worry about stuff until I know it's a problem.

unknown 41:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:35

Not that I don't prep. I'll I'll use the example of finances because I feel like that's an easy one. I still put money aside for retirement and I do long-term planning. But then beyond that, it's out of my hands. I don't worry about it because until I'm there, I if I'm worrying about it too much, all I'm doing is creating situations in my head to torture myself over. Does that make sense? Yeah. So the reason I use that example, so with a child and feeding and all of that, you're worried that she won't get enough. Why are you worried about that? Has a pediatrician told you that your child's not growing adequately? Has or is it just from like being anxious and being online?

SPEAKER_01 42:22

Totally.

SPEAKER_00 42:23

And I I never woke our kids up.

SPEAKER_01 42:27

To do feeding?

SPEAKER_00 42:28

Yeah. Yeah. Never. From the time they got home, I let them eat when they wanted to eat. And if they didn't want to eat, I didn't. And that is the method that I went by. And if I had gone into the pediatrician and they had told me that one of them wasn't gaining weight properly, or if they had given me a regimen that I need to follow because we weren't hitting developmental milestones, I would have done it in a heartbeat. And it never happened. Um, like there are definitely situations where you need to be on a strict feeding schedule.

SPEAKER_01 42:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:59

But they've been doing this for millions of years, and they'll let you know when they're hungry.

SPEAKER_01 43:07

Yeah, they will. And your doctor will help you understand those things as well.

SPEAKER_00 43:12

Right.

SPEAKER_01 43:13

There's a lot of uh, unless your kids are underweight or there's there's situations definitely that you do have to be more on top of it. We know people that have had those experiences.

SPEAKER_00 43:22

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 43:23

If you aren't having that experience, it can be a more intuitive process.

SPEAKER_00 43:27

Yeah, I don't wake a baby up. I do not wake a sleeping baby.

SPEAKER_01 43:30

No.

SPEAKER_00 43:31

Even when they were new and they say, well, you have to feed them every two hours. Our newborns, the first week and stuff, would sleep three, four, even five hour stretches, not necessarily at night, yeah, but during the day or whatever it is at weird times, I just let them.

SPEAKER_01 43:47

It didn't have to be on the clock. It that that was the main thing.

SPEAKER_00 43:50

No.

SPEAKER_01 43:51

It was usually a very normal Yes.

SPEAKER_00 43:53

Normally it would be within two to three hours. But if there was one that was longer, it just didn't have to be like clockwork.

SPEAKER_01 43:59

Yeah. The closest we came is like when I when I was still going into work in the mornings, a lot of times I would feed her if she was even close to awake just because the timing worked out. Totally. It was never a we have to do it at this time or this frequency.

SPEAKER_00 44:13

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

But yeah. Try and stay offline in terms of what uh information you're taking in because it's just all so broad and people don't understand your individual circumstances. I can't.

SPEAKER_00 44:28

I don't like torturing yourself before you even know what the problem is. For some reason, I think we're very much living in a time where we think it's our job to be aware of the problems before they happen because there is so many people there are so many people out there giving the thoughts of what I think is hindsight's 2020.

SPEAKER_01 44:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:48

Like after it's happened, they'll be like, oh, that's so obvious. You know, you should have done this, you should have done that. Well, duh, it's past. Like it's really easy to see solutions looking back in the moment. Yeah, it's not always as easy. And I don't think putting that kind of stress on yourself is healthy.

SPEAKER_01 45:06

What always makes me laugh is the thing you prepare for is never gonna be the problem that you have. In some ways, because you've prepared for the problem you're expecting, and a lot of times you'll mitigate those circumstances ahead of time, but it means you're gonna get blindsided by something completely different.

SPEAKER_00 45:21

Well, even if it's exactly what you think it's gonna be, it's not gonna play out how it's not gonna be when and where you thought it was gonna be.

SPEAKER_01 45:28

It's not gonna look the way you thought it was gonna be.

SPEAKER_00 45:30

Other people won't react how you thought. And so then all you have to do is rethink through and renavigate all the like fake scenarios that you made up in your head. And then I feel like you wasted your time.

SPEAKER_01 45:40

There's plenty of things to stress about, and there's sleep and all kinds of stuff that's challenging.

SPEAKER_00 45:44

It's a lot, and you know what? You're doing great.

SPEAKER_01 45:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:48

I really can't say that enough to new parents. You're doing great, it's so much lower stakes than people act like, and I'm not saying that in the way of your child's not important or it's not that big of a deal if you don't take care of them. That's not what I mean. But I think we get really, really aggressive about nitpicking little nuances of parenting, especially when they're infants.

SPEAKER_01 46:15

People almost take the worrying as something that makes you a good parent. Like that you have to be worrying, or you're not doing your best. And that's just not the case. You can be flexible, you can adapt, and try to just be ready to go where things move.

SPEAKER_00 46:31

I think keeping your stress level low and enjoying it is so much more important than troubleshooting everything that could go wrong.

SPEAKER_01 46:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:39

I don't know if that answered the question, but I don't know either.

SPEAKER_01 46:42

But we talked about it. Yeah. And I hope it helped.

SPEAKER_00 46:44

Yep. You're doing great.

SPEAKER_01 46:45

Yep. You want to read one?

SPEAKER_00 46:47

Hi

When A Friend Rushes Love

SPEAKER_00 46:48

there. Newish listener here, just since the rebrand, and I appreciate all the combos happening. I have this friend who a little over a year ago, her husband was arrested for domestic violence and she filed for divorce. Immediately after filing, she met a guy, fell in love, and got engaged, and just recently sent out invites for their wedding. The guy also has an almost 20-year-old daughter, and we're in our younger 30s. Anyways, our friend group has tried to be kind and honest with how it's all happening fast and all the red flags, but it's not being heard, obviously. And she just talks about wanting to get pregnant. We care about her a lot, but now she's pushing us all away because we aren't jumping up and down for her new relationship and upcoming wedding. She's expressed recently she's worried it's rushing, but she wants kids, and so she's moving forward. If you had a friend going through this, how would you proceed? Completely respect boundaries and leave it, express concerns clearly.

SPEAKER_01 47:38

Ooh, you've had some situations, not this is very specific.

SPEAKER_00 47:42

And I have one singular conversation. I will say, I want to go ahead and start this with saying, I care about you, I love you, you're really important to me. And I am your friend no matter what choices you make, even if I don't agree, if when you need me, I'm here, and then I lay out how I feel, and then it's their decision to make from there. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to support the relationship. That doesn't mean that I'm going to encourage behavior I don't agree with. Uh I will just distance myself from that side of things and then maintain the relationship individually as I can.

SPEAKER_01 48:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:26

Uh I yeah, I have had situations like this, but I don't I think people need a safe space to go when they eventually do figure it out, which most people I feel like eventually do figure it out.

SPEAKER_01 48:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 48:40

Not until sometimes it's much too late into things. However, I don't think it's my job as a friend to police their choices.

SPEAKER_01 48:50

Yeah, making like ultimatums are not effective, cutting people off unless it's something that's doing harm to you. Correct. And then you can draw a clear line of like this is where it is impacting me personally. But if it's bad decisions that some that I mean bad perceived decisions, you don't have any more foresight than they do necessarily, but you can clearly state your point and say, This is my stance, I'm here to support you, you are my friend. And this is how I feel and what I'm worried about.

unknown 49:18

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 49:19

And I think that's really the the main path you can take.

SPEAKER_00 49:21

And it's not fun.

SPEAKER_01 49:23

No, it's not, it doesn't feel good, but making sure that you're still supporting them as an individual, if that's your interest, I guess. Because you can't also make the choice to be like, I can't participate or be party to this. I'm here for you, but I can't be a part of the whole thing. And that's a choice. But if you want to be there in that person's life, you can still do that and make your opinions known. And also if you're gonna be like pestering them or badgering them over time and continually trying to chip away, they're just gonna push you further away.

SPEAKER_00 49:55

Totally.

SPEAKER_01 49:56

That's the only way I've seen that go.

SPEAKER_00 49:57

Right. I agree.

SPEAKER_01 49:58

Is uh you're just forcing them to push you away.

SPEAKER_00 50:01

You can't change other people's decisions.

SPEAKER_01 50:04

No, you cannot.

SPEAKER_00 50:05

They gotta make their mistakes and do their thing. Unfortunately.

SPEAKER_01 50:09

Yeah. Yeah, let's do an email and uh get

Wedding Family Photos That Run Smooth

SPEAKER_01 50:12

out of here. It's getting warm. Hi, Matt and Joe. Longtime listener, love tuning in every week and hearing your conversations. You're both so thoughtful and grounded. Appreciate that. I hope it's accurate. I'm getting married in April next year and wondered if Joe had any recommendations from a photographer's perspective on things we should consider to help photos run smoothly throughout the day, particularly family photos. We are doing a first look, so I'm hopeful we will be able to get most done before our late afternoon ceremony for some context. Appreciate your input.

SPEAKER_00 50:39

Uh, make a list and not just bride's family, groom's family. You write out the first name of every single person you want and every combination that you want, and then hand that list over, not to the photographer, not well, I mean, talk with the photographer so they know, but hand it over to a planner or to a family member uh or a sibling or a best friend that knows both sides of the family really well and is boisterous.

SPEAKER_01 51:11

And can get some shit done.

SPEAKER_00 51:12

And can, yeah, and can command some people around. And so what they'll do is the photographer will set everything up, same location, and that person in charge will go, all right, go ahead. We have in the photo bride, mother of the bride. So I'll do our family, for instance. So it'll be groom, Pam, Mark, Joe, your and then she'll yell out on deck, Braden, Sammy, and etc. Yeah. And so there's an on deck of who's the next picture and who is in the current picture, and you just roll through those. And that's really you can get it done really quick that way. I recommend when you're making your list, doing all of your photos, like starting with the biggest group first and then pairing back. And I recommend only doing photos, like if you want a photo without the groom or without the bride doing those last amongst the family. So it goes if you're doing the groom's side of the family or one of the partners' side of the family, you go biggest grouping first with the couple, pair it down to smallest grouping with the couple, and then if you have individuals that you want to do with just the groom, do those at the end. And then you start, then after that, groom's entire family can go. If you have any that you want with like both sets of parents or things like that, that goes in the middle, and then that way you can let all of them go, and then it goes bride's biggest family, and then pare it down again. Yeah. Did all that make sense? No, that makes sense. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 52:53

I'm trying to think how how would you handle if like parents or something are wanting specific photos?

SPEAKER_00 52:59

It better be on the list.

SPEAKER_01 53:01

Got it. Like discuss it beforehand, yeah, and get that list really agreed upon by everybody. Well, I mean, it doesn't have to be agreed upon, but you can lay it down and be like, this is the list. This is what we're doing.

SPEAKER_00 53:10

And also, if you don't want your parents' input, go ahead and make the list. And then the day of they're like, well, can we and be like, yeah, no problem. You can ask the photographer at the reception if she'll you can gather all those people and she'll get a picture of us at the reception or whatever. Yeah. But I have a specific list already made, and photographer is working off of that. So to keep things running smoothly, we can do that later.

SPEAKER_01 53:29

Yeah. Keep keep the options pared down.

SPEAKER_00 53:31

Be like, we have a list that we have to do before we do any requests before we do you can knock out 50 different combinations so fast that way.

SPEAKER_01 53:41

Then you can have them fend for themselves or battle, like however they want to do it, but then you get what you need.

SPEAKER_00 53:46

But beyond those formal images, I say you just relax and enjoy yourself. That's how you get the best pictures. It's just be in the moment, have fun, get it documented.

SPEAKER_01 53:56

I don't feel like those big group portraits are even what people go back to. No. They're not the ones that you show people are really capturing part of the what you do.

SPEAKER_00 54:05

I'm grateful to have them, but I know.

SPEAKER_01 54:08

Those are the ones that live at your grandparents' place, and they just use them to like show their friends who the people they are.

SPEAKER_00 54:15

Fabulous.

SPEAKER_01 54:15

Great utility. They're just not what you're gonna care about down the line.

SPEAKER_00 54:19

Yeah, don't stress about it too much. That's my feedback.

SPEAKER_01 54:22

All right.

SPEAKER_00 54:23

Well congratulations.

SPEAKER_01 54:24

Yeah, congrats. Whoop whoop. That'll do it for

Wrap Up And How To Reach Us

SPEAKER_01 54:27

us on the pod.

SPEAKER_00 54:27

Yeah, rate review, uh, send us an email.

SPEAKER_01 54:31

Yeah. Email, voicemail, text. Uh somebody said they sent us a text on Spotify. We'll have to figure that out.

SPEAKER_00 54:37

Yeah, I couldn't find it.

SPEAKER_01 54:38

So we'll we'll dig into that.

SPEAKER_00 54:39

Yeah, but but love y'all.

SPEAKER_01 54:41

If you find a way, hit us up. And if we don't respond, let us know we didn't.

SPEAKER_00 54:44

Hit us up again.

SPEAKER_01 54:46

We'll see ya.

SPEAKER_00 54:47

Bye.