Before It Becomes a Regret: The Conversation That Might Change Your Life | Kandace Stoneman

What do people regret most when life is ending?

In this powerful conversation, Kandace Stoneman shares the life-changing lessons she learned working in hospice and long-term care at just 24 years old. Kandace joins Julie Fairhurst to discuss her chapter, “The Courage to Live Without Regrets,” from Women Like Me: The Space Before and After, and the emotional realities of caregiving, compassion fatigue, and mental health.

Together, they explore the hidden guilt caregivers carry, why perfectionism keeps people stuck, and how cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can shift the way we think, feel, and live.

Kandace also shares the inspiration behind the project she created with her son, Making Friends with Feelings, helping children understand emotions, nervous system signals, and the needs behind behavior.

If you want better self-talk, stronger relationships, and fewer regrets in life, this conversation will speak directly to your heart.

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Kandace Stoneman
Certified Life & Relationship Empowerment Coach | Emotional Intelligence Consultant
GuideYour Mind
Phone: 250-808-1151
Email: Hello@guideyourmind.ca

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I’m Julie Fairhurst, and this is where stories turn into power.

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Transcript

Welcome And Book Premise

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of Women Like Me Stories and Business. I'm your host, Julie Fairhurst. And today I am here with one of our newest Women Like Me authors. And I'm so excited to talk to Candace, Candace Stoneman, and to dive into what the what it was like for her to write her story and then talk a little bit about her story because she's got some amazing lessons in there for all of us. So first, this is the book. So women like me, the space before and after. So you know how we all have that space in between? This is what we're writing about. And it's true, true stories of women who crossed it and were never the same. So Candace's chapter is chapter 11. And you know, when the when I assign chapters to all the writers, I believe in numbers and I believe there's a number thing. And so a number 11 was meant for you. Because number 11 was certainly meant for you. So Candace's uh title is The Courage to Live Without Regrets. So before we get into your story, Candace, let's talk a little bit about the writing process because I think this is the first time you've ever written in a book. Is this the first time? It is, yeah. Yeah. And so how did you find the process?

Writing Through Vulnerability

SPEAKER_00 1:44

Oh, it was such a good, great process. And just want to say, like, I'm really happy to be here with you on your podcast again. And so thanks for having me. You're welcome. Yeah. And so the process was, I would say, quite cathartic, actually. You know, being able to figure out like what I want to say. But then as I was writing it, I feel like there was just new levels of depth within my own healing journey that I, you know, because every time you you'd write this tender part, and then you've got some tears streaming down your face. And so it's just like, oh, like I just needed to heal that that version of me or or just hold a little bit of space and some love for that tender moment. And so it was like a really beautiful experience that I'm so grateful for it.

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Oh, so I I know in the beginning you had a little bit of a tough time getting started. What do you think that was?

SPEAKER_00 2:46

I did. And you know, I felt like our initial conversation where we were like just discussing what my chapter would be about, yeah, I felt that was really helpful and productive. And I just I wouldn't have thought to uh structure my sentences and paragraphs in the way without your feedback and your wisdom. So I certainly appreciate that. But also I probably went into the land of perfectionism in terms of overthinking like what I'm actually gonna write, what stories to include, just wanting it to feel like this level of perfect when like does perfect even really exist? Right. Exactly. Yeah. I think I I just had probably some resistance because you're going to that, you know, tender part of you again. And I think I also just was like, this is my like probably had subconsciously like this my one shot, you know, unless I of course write something more, which down the road I might actually, because it was actually really great.

SPEAKER_02 3:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

Yeah. But yeah, I think there is also probably just that vulnerability, you know. Sometimes when we put ourselves out there in a bigger visible way, we can have what I call like a vulnerability hangover. And pardon me, I think I can sometimes feel that, especially just writing something so personal and and close to my heart. So yeah, there was like lots of layers, but through it all, it was such a healing, like cathartic, beautiful experience.

SPEAKER_01 4:27

Yeah. Once you got going, there was no stopping you.

Perfectionism And The First Draft

SPEAKER_00 4:31

Yeah, it felt like just getting started was tricky. And I remember reaching out and just kind of, you know, like, oh, I should be handing more in. But you said, you know, just just write. Like, don't overthink it, don't over-edit, just write. Like, yeah, and that I needed to hear that because I was overthinking it. And of course, the first version is so basic. And then that's where I could be like, okay, I have like the bones, and now I can go back and jazz it up and add these interesting parts to the story to make the reader want to read the next sentence and the next paragraph, which you know is a big part of writing it, which I hadn't thought about before until you mentioned that. So yeah, it was once I got going, it was good.

SPEAKER_01 5:21

Perfect. Well, I think you did a fabulous job. And sometimes there's some some writers that just jump in and away they go. And then there's others of us that that need a little bit more thought process, more, and like you say, we're we're we're not sure, you know, you want to throw all of it the kitchen sink in there, but then you have to realize that there's so much that we put into a story that we don't necessarily need to be there. And you start to find, and just like you say, you go through that first draft, you get into your second one, you're like, oh, and you start to see it again. So I'm just so thankful that you that you went and you got it done and we got it published, and it it's just wonderful. So let's talk a little bit about your story. Yeah. So I want to talk about the very first paragraph because I think that says a lot. So you say, I'm halfway through the door into my apartment before my clothes start coming off. The shoes go first, kicking off somewhere between the entryway and the hallway, bouncing against the closet with a dull thud. The bra doesn't even make it to the bedroom, it gets launched like a slingshot towards the laundry basket and lands nowhere near it, which at 24 was a perfectly reasonable way to live. Why don't you tell us like what was happening? Because all you wanted to do, it wasn't like, oh, I'm home, I just need to relax. You you were headed somewhere.

Hospice Work And Hearing Regret

SPEAKER_00 6:57

Yeah, I think it was really a sort of, I don't know, I wasn't conscious of what I was even doing at the time, but just this like inner urgency to like get me out of here and and get me out of here, really. Yeah, you know, yeah, and so by removing all these external, like get off the jewelry, get off the prop, get the hair out of my neck, you know. Yeah, and and just find some peace or or like some respite in the day, in what I was feeling, you know, physically, mentally, emotionally, like all the ways. So it's just this probably this real like escapism, like avoidance energy that like took over that. I was like, la, just now.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Well, you were working with folks, was it home care that you were doing, or or what was it? It was hospice care. And so was it in home or was it within a no?

SPEAKER_00 8:01

I was at an interior health facility where there was, you know, a lot of patients who were at the end of life, and but people who were just young too. And and you know, I worked with people who were not also like I also worked outside of hospice, people like in long-term care, young people who just suddenly became a quadriplegic, or you know, like the woman who was in hospice, like she was just around 50, and she was just in Disneyland with her family the year before. And like, you know, I'd sit at the bedside with these people, and that was one of the things I liked about hospice, is we could sort of slow down, and they really just needed these conversations that I'm automatically drawn to to have that emotional connection with people. So, so yeah, it wasn't the death that was the hardest part. It was just hearing people's regret and hearing them try to right their wrongs and their limited time left, and and just yeah, again kept hearing like regret would would come up and you know their relationship with their kids, you know, their adult kids are estranged, or they haven't heard from them in a long time, or the family dynamics that would often play out when you know a parent is passing away or whatnot. So just at 24, without having the skills that we need in order to do such heavy, intense work, it was just more than like I was equipped for at the time. Yeah and which really led me to my path. But yeah, it was just a lot.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

Yeah, and I and I can certainly see the you know, the the coming in and just wanting to shed the day and then jumping under the blankets and just shutting out everything. I mean, that's that's a lot to deal with, but you're right, a 24-year-old girl, that's that's a lot to deal with. And you say in your in your book that there was guilt math on the on what was impossible and and and for to reconcile, what did what right did I have to complain about being tired or sad when other people were losing their loved ones forever?

SPEAKER_00 10:26

Yeah, you know, and not to dismiss, I think I was in this place of probably dismissing my own experience because I didn't have the insight to be like, well, both can be true at the same time. And so it was like, who are you like, and I was in this place of really being self-critical and was like, who are you to be sad and tired and complain? That guy can't even scratch his nose, and that person will never even see their grandkids grow up. And so it was this real, you know, conflict internally where I'm having a hard time, but but like they're just way worse. And so I'd feel guilty for feeling bad or you know, feeling like this is hard. It's like, oh poor you, like you get to go to sleep for eight hours and go about your life and like scratch your nose when it's itchy, and like you don't have to call ring a call bell, and you know, you don't have to do all this hard goodbyes. And so again, just not having skills to quiet the I call it like the itty bitty shitty committee.

Guilt Math And Blanket Reset

SPEAKER_01 11:33

Yeah, you know, no, exactly, and and and I can understand that guilt. I can I can see how you know people are dying, people are at their, you know, and then to hear their regrets and sadness, and it it's it is it would be a lot for anyone to to deal with. And and and how do you turn that off to protect your own self and your own emotions and and your own well-being? There's been days when I've stayed in bed with the blankets over my head and I wasn't dealing with any kind of that that intense of emotions going on. So it makes um it makes sense. And I and I love how you put that in the beginning of your story because it it's a real, you know, it just helps, I think, people to understand that we that all of us have stuff that we go through, you know, and sometimes it's okay to hide under the blankets. If that's all if that's what you need, then do it, just don't stay there for sure, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 12:39

And I think, you know, it still is one of my favorite ways to regulate, you know, where I think it's like a break from our senses of picking up all the stimuli and it just quiet some of the noise. And so, you know, I think it's really like a an act of self-care to do that, whatever that looks like. And now it's probably a little bit more baths and like a little bit more uh proactive care so that I don't have to have a spiral like I did back in the day, but yes, yeah, yeah, it was heavy stuff, very heavy for sure, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

And then you you did spiral for sure. You really spiraled, and there's a part of your book or part of your story, which I think all of us, uh certainly women, I mean, I've done it a few times, and and I would imagine most of us have. And you wrote, as life went on, crying in the shower became the new norm for me, even despite my on-paper perfect life, until one day everything changed, and it was the day I was too sad to stand, and it was, and then you go on to say, it was the day I finally asked for help. You know, there's a big there's an amount of courage that comes along with that, you know. I think a lot of us cry in the shower. Yeah, I think it's just the if that's the place it happens. And I think though, that that for you, like you said, it was the day I was too sad to stand. And then you were able to reach out and get help. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that?

Too Sad To Stand, Asking Help

SPEAKER_00 14:32

Yeah, I think it was, you know, as humans, we can wait until we are in just this significant pain before we're willing to make a change that can be very uncomfortable to go and talk about your feelings or what's been troubling you. And it really does take a lot of courage, so much courage. It's why some people don't, you know, especially if they don't feel safe with their emotions, which many don't because you know, growing up, it's like suck it up, buttercup, and boys don't cry and don't be a wuss, and like we don't, I'll give you something to cry about. You know, it's yeah, it's that traditional or I don't know if we should say traditional, but just some of that some of that old school. Yeah, exactly. And so it just took courage to really admit to myself, probably more than anything, like I'm really struggling here. And you know, it just wasn't we just didn't talk about our feelings like we do now. There was nobody outwardly saying, like, oh, I have depression. And until I think the first time I realized was in 2009, and it was a celebrity who was speaking out about his depression and was like, like, wow, like that's so brave. And and it was all about like ending the stigma, and it might have even been around the Bell Let's Talk like initiative when that first came out. Yes. And it was like what I needed to hear was his permission, I think. So I think that's why I'm just so passionate about speaking about this, because it really does take a lot of courage. And and from that like moment of getting help, my whole trajectory changed for the better. Because I no longer had to live in that painful place. So yeah, if just I I hope that people, anyone who reads this or hears this, you know, like really just asks for help. And it I promise, like we people want to help. Yes.

Cognitive Cycle And Thought Tracking

SPEAKER_01 16:37

Yeah, yeah. I think, and I think that that's you know, that's one of the reasons we write these stories because we don't know who's gonna be reading them, and we don't know who's gonna need some help. And just like you saw that person on TV, somebody's gonna pick up this book and they're gonna read your story and they're gonna go, Hey, maybe, maybe I need to step myself up here and start taking better care of myself and reach out and get some help. Yeah. So when you went for help, I I thought this was a really interesting thing that happened in your story. So you went for help and you were having a one-on-one with a lady, and she asked you, what do you think is easiest to change? And she said, your thoughts, your feelings, or your behavior. I thought that was so insightful. Even when I read yours, I thought, oh yeah, because it just really, it really lands quite well. And you said, you weren't really sure, but you said my thoughts, and she nodded, and just like that, something began to shift for you. So can you tell us what that was, what was going on? What was the shift?

SPEAKER_00 17:52

That was, and I say this in the book like it was like the heavens opened, and the angels saying, It was this moment of like it clicked of like what you mean. I have control over my thoughts. I had never realized that. And what she was teaching me was the cognitive cycle, how our thoughts will create our feelings, and then our feelings will create our behaviors, and then our behaviors will reinforce those thoughts. And it just was this empowering moment where I suddenly had this newfound power that kind of felt like a superpower. And so I started actually, and I didn't include this in the book, but I started this is before cell phones, I kept like one of those little pencils from the golf course, you know, that's just like little with a little paper in my pocket, and I put a little tick on it every time I had a negative thought. Wow, and I was blown away with how many ticks were on that paper by the end of the day, it was like a tallied up mess. And I took it one step further where I started to write down what I was saying to myself. It was so incredibly mean. And so if I'm thinking these thoughts, no wonder I'm feeling terrible inside. And then no wonder my behavior is reflecting that of like, I just need to get under the covers. You know what I mean? Yeah, it was just this really insight, insightful, like profound moment where I realized for the first time, like, wow, like I actually can do something about this. This these thoughts aren't thinking me, like I'm thinking them, and I can change that. So, you know, my business name is called guide your mind from that moment because when we realize we can guide our thoughts, we can change our trajectory.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

So yeah, yeah, wow. Well, if going on to that, you talk about standing in the mirror and looking at yourself dead in the eye while pinching your stomach as hard as you could and muttering, you're so fucking fat. And then you go on to say that it was as if I was the meanest of the mean girls bullying, living inside my brain. Yeah, like so.

SPEAKER_00 20:15

There's the movie The Mean Girls. Yes, and it was like I had that the meanest of those mean girls in my mind all the time. And and it was just so loud, and she would just like chirp at you like over every little detail. And and once I realized like what was happening, I just I think I say this in the book, like it was like she didn't deserve that microphone, she didn't deserve center stage on the microphone. I think I said something like that, and it was so freeing and liberating to break free from that.

Self-Compassion And Naming Feelings

SPEAKER_01 20:54

So yeah, well, what would you say? Because I think that's so common, especially with women. I think men have those negative thoughts as well as, of course, but I think us women are really hard on ourselves, and uh, and there's all sorts of societal reasons that contribute to that. But what would you say to somebody who's listening to us right now who is just got some nasty thoughts going in their head? I know for myself, I I can't remember what I did today, but I did something and I called myself silly. Oh, that was silly, Julie, and then I stopped myself and I'm like, that's no, no, you know, be careful what you're saying to yourself. So, what what would you what advice do you have for someone that's um dealing with mean girls in their mind?

SPEAKER_00 21:42

Yeah, I would say one of the best gifts that I've given myself and you know would encourage others to tap into is if self compassion. You know, there's there's a part of you that's just having a hard time in that moment. And to let the voice of self compassion be louder. And so I I don't know if we'll talk about this later, but like my son and I were making this book called Making Friends with Feelings because I really like to perceive Personify our feelings. And so my version is called Compassionate Claire. And so she's in here all the time. And I really love when there's a sprinkle of humor that she adds into this voice in my mind. And so one of the things that I often will say to others in a session or just in my own mind is really about like lovingly notice. You know, we don't want to be like, oh my goodness, here we go again. Like in this mean girl thought again, because that's doesn't feel good.

SPEAKER_01 22:47

No.

SPEAKER_00 22:47

And so so by tapping into say compassionate clear, we can really just soften and and get it into being curious and and realizing like all of these thoughts and our our feelings, they all come from like our often unmet needs. And so how can we love ourselves ourselves through this more? Do we need more love or more hate? More love or more fear? It's always more love. So self-compassion is really the answer. And it's it's a real game changer when you know I talk to myself like a best friend. If I'm sad, like, oh candy, like what can I do for you? Can I take you somewhere and get you anything? Like it's my treat, yeah, which is quite silly, but uh it just feels good because I'm like, oh, like a best friend.

SPEAKER_01 23:37

But that's the way we should be to ourselves. If we can't be our own best friend, how do we expect others to treat us well?

SPEAKER_00 23:46

I agree, like we have to care enough about ourselves that we always try to reach for a better feeling thought, yes, and I don't mean like false positivity, no, but really just like caring enough about how we feel that we will always try.

SPEAKER_01 24:02

So yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you tell us about the about the book? Because you and your son are writing a book together.

SPEAKER_00 24:11

Yeah, so it's just a little fun passion project, making friends with feelings, where we're personifying all the feelings, and not all of them, because there's so many, but many of the common ones. And so, you know, fearful Freddie, he's there, and I mentioned him in the book, you know, because sometimes he'll have the pedal to the metal and and think everything is a threat when you know, in reality, not everything is, and so just acknowledging, like, oh, fearful Freddie is here, he's just trying to save me. His whole goal in life is to keep me like safe and to survive. Yeah, and so he doesn't really care if I'm like really happy, he just his main concern is like I'm safe and surviving. And so all of these feelings, they have underlying needs, you know. And so by by adding these fun little names to it that we're coming up with together, it helps him understand, but also helps my hope is like other people understand it, it's a way to soften and lighten up a little bit when you know things can feel heavy and hard sometimes. And so, you know, Angry Amber, I talk about her in the book, and she's you know, like we can sometimes judge anger, but she's just there to like advocate for you and and let you know you have some unmet needs here. And and she's not somebody we should, you know, banish, but we should get curious of like what does she need in this? Like, why did she show up? And so we kind of talk about it like who's in the room with us, and and so just a little example when we were first starting this, I was doing the at bedtime, you know, and like repairing, like, oh buddy, I'm sorry, I was being grumpy Greg today. That wasn't fair to you. You know, I probably had some unmet needs that I wasn't paying attention to, and I'm so sorry. And then I said, and you know what? I think like here comes guilty Gwen. She's like mom guilt's best friend, yeah. And so she's chirping like you shoulda, woulda, coulda. Yeah, right. But but we also know, like, settle down and and then like oh, and here comes sad Sally, she's here also. And then I'm like having a little tear, and I'm like, I'm so sorry, I should have handled that better. And then he's so cute. He's like, Mom, sometimes we can have more than one feeling at a time. Oh, I was like, that needs to be on the cover because ain't that the truth? Like, it's both like both can be true. And and sometimes there's a mixed bag of feelings, yes. So just to find safety with our feelings, like we don't have to shut them out and suppress them. We can like invite them and just they just want to seat at the table, yes, they just want to be heard. It's kind of like a little kid who's like, um, mom, mom, mm. But we persist persists, and so by just like, ooh, you know, like ooh, fearful Freddy is loud today, yeah, and and to have a bit of a dialogue with them, and yeah, so it's fun little project. We're making little um emojis with your son. Sorry, how old is he?

SPEAKER_01 27:36

He's seven. Well, what an amazing thing for a seven-year-old to say, and a boy.

SPEAKER_00 27:43

Yes, I love that because he has way more emotional intelligence than I had, even in my mid-20s. So and what were you saying? You're making oh, we're making like little emoji, like I think they're called like gen emojis, like yeah, little characters. So they match the you know how their name is. They look like fearful Freddy, he looks afraid. Yes, um, and then we're gonna also, or this is more about me, but like have 20 different points for each little character. So, like, what's happening in the nervous system for them? What is so you know, are they in a fight or flight state? What does their facial expressions look like? Their nonverbal communication, are they, you know, like their eyebrows, like, you know, scared looking? What's their heart rate? What's their do they have clenched fists or like a clenched jaw, like angry amber? She would have clenched fists and a clenched jaw and like right. And so trying to help, you know, the reader of this book learn all the cues because then we can notice, you know, our emotions. It's just energy in motion, yeah. Motion. And so to pick up on all these cues and really my hope also is that parents understand some of the drivers underneath what we would consider behavior and see it through the lens of the nervous system and through emotion as energy, because it always comes from just unmet needs or underdeveloped skills. So my hope is that, you know, it's good for parents and for kettos and just brings more safety to those conversations.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

And I think it's I think it's wonderful because you know, I growing up, you know, we were told, what are you crying about? You know, I'll give you something to cry about, all right. You know, get outside. You know, so feelings were not in majority of our households, were not uh something to be concerned about. But I love what's happening now. I love what's going on with this next generation of kids. And and to have a book like that for kids to recognize, you know, how they're actually feeling, because so often people just go off. They have no idea, and they have no idea why they're acting the way they're acting because they're not in tune with their feelings. So good for you and your little guy.

SPEAKER_00 30:12

Oh, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 30:13

You have to come back on when you've got that book all. That's good.

SPEAKER_00 30:16

Yeah, it's just a fun little passion project, but yeah, we're excited about it.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

So yeah. Well, it's so you also talk about your dad, and I love this part, this sentence in the book that you wrote. And it in sharing that special memory with him, we laughed together while I was sitting on dad's knee for the very last time. Yeah. Do you want to tell us a little bit about your dad and what was happening in your story?

Healing With Dad, Living Without Regrets

SPEAKER_00 30:48

Yeah, so it's a really special moment. And, you know, I feel so grateful that we were able to heal our relationship. And, you know, he was a great dad, and he showed up for me, as I mentioned in the book.

SPEAKER_02 31:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:06

And, you know, he really was there all the time, anytime I needed him, but sometimes emotionally just guarded, like in protection mode and without meaning to. And so one day I came to him and just said, like, dad, because we would butt heads, you know, sometimes. And Dad, I just would really love to feel closer to you and and feel connected and just like share about our emotions. And, you know, and all this coaching work I've been doing, would it be okay with you if I shared something that's really helped me and that I think would really help us grow closer and we could really support each other, you know. So it's just like this loving place I came from, and he was so open to it when I said it that way instead of like reactively like, Dad, you're always blah blah blah, whatever.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

Right, right.

SPEAKER_00 31:57

And so he just opened and softened, and he became just my absolute favorite person to have as like emotional support. You know, if I was going through a hard time or a transition or whatnot, he was my go-to. I'd come over for coffee, he'd call me and say the coffee's on, and he'd hear me out and I'd always get the double hug. And so I just feel so lucky that I had the communication skills to heal our relationship and to which took a lot of courage as well. But yeah, he just became so open and and available, like emotionally available and expressive. And so hearing him share what his experience was like as a parent and knowing how hard I try as a parent, it just it just melted away any last bit of resentment or anything that I maybe didn't even know I was still carrying.

SPEAKER_02 32:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:00

And so, in the full circleness of it all, just because I worked in hospice and because I was there at the hospital with him around the clock, you know, or almost, my mom and I we traded. Yeah, I really had that opportunity to say more than I to say more than I feel like I even needed to. Like I got to say extra, you know, and I feel so grateful because a lot of people don't get that opportunity. And and so, yeah, to just sit on his knee one last time and have a laugh and remind him of the time when he was driving my little two-door coop and how funny he was on these, you know, I talk about it in the book. And yeah, it just meant the world that I could have every little ounce of courage to say everything in my heart that I ever wanted to. And in fact, a month or two later, after he passed, I had found a piece of paper folded up that I had written on things I want to tell my dad someday. But at the time I was too afraid to say. Yeah, and it was just like I did it.

SPEAKER_01 34:09

Yeah. Well, so yeah, it was very special. I think that, like you said, it's funny how how life comes round with us, right? Like you dealt with, you know, you were dealing with hospice and and all of the emotions and everything that goes with it, but you also learned and you said, you know, I I know the regrets, and I'm not gonna do that.

SPEAKER_00 34:36

That was probably one of the most significant insights I could have gained because I know that regrets sneak up on us. Yeah, it's often not realized until it is a regret. Yes. And so by having that insight, I would I would like fast forward and imagine what will I regret if I, you know, if if this person passes away or if I pass away, like, and not to get too morbid, but no, no, it's important to we're all about that. It helps us get in alignment with our values and how we want to show up.

SPEAKER_01 35:08

And so, yeah. Well, there's another book for you. Yeah. What I learned about what we shouldn't uh or what the regrets I've learned about that maybe we can take care of so that we don't regret. Yeah, yeah, there's many when we really think about it. Yeah. Well, Candace, I am just so pleased with your story. It is just it's so it's um, I it it's it's a great story. You did a fabulous job, and and it's so you're so honest, and and that's so helpful. I know it hurts to get it out, but it's so important because uh even as you're talking now, I'm getting I and I I've read your story, I got some insights from it, but as you're talking, I'm also getting more insights, and and that's and I think that's what you know, that's what it's all about. We don't know what we don't know and until we know it. And and when somebody picks up your book and reads your story, you know, we don't know where they're gonna be in their life or what's happening in in their family. And but you know, you've you've uh you did the hard work, you dug in, you got it done, and it's gonna be so helpful to people. I know it, just like this little podcast is. It was just, yeah. So I thank you so much for doing this.

SPEAKER_00 36:32

Oh, thank you. It's been such a beautiful experience, like I said, just very healing and cathartic, and to put words to my story and to see the full circleness of it. Yeah, but it felt like at the ending of a chapter and the start of a new chapter. And so it feels very symbolic and sort of just where I'm at in life as well. So I'm so grateful for the opportunity, it's been just such a wonderful experience. Yeah.

Relationship Repair Message And Closing

SPEAKER_01 37:02

Well, I'm so I am so glad that you reached out and and uh and that you did it. So it was perfect. So, well, everybody, Candace's book right here, okay. It's the space between before and after, women like me. It's on Amazon. You can also reach out to Candace, and she can certainly get you a signed copy if that's something that you would like as well. There are 11 beautiful stories in this book, and and Candace, of course, is in chapter 11, which is a very spiritual number. And I think that it was a very you were meant to be where you are. So I I think that's that's wonderful. Well, thank you for doing this. Do you have any last words you'd like to say to the audience?

SPEAKER_00 37:50

You know, I think thank you for the opportunity to sit to ask me that and to say that. I think what I would really want to dial home for anybody listening is, you know, sometimes we can feel really stuck and and like there's no room to go in our relationships. And I would just challenge that because people are either in connection mode or protection mode. And our past conditioning will really, you know, like uh it'll like put us in one of those lanes. And but with softening our communication, with learning communication that doesn't trigger the other person's defensiveness, people are able to heal those relationships. And I've helped many people do this, and sometimes they don't even have a reference for what a really great apology could sound like, or how to articulate what they're feeling, you know, and sometimes we can get caught in the blame game. But, you know, what I teach is the relational neuroscience, so communication skills that feel safe to the other person. And so you're not stuck in one of those relationships. If there is a relationship you want to heal with your parent, your child, your spouse, whomever, like it is possible. And so I just would want people to have hope, knowing that, you know, just a little bit of work we can do together in a couple sessions, even like people are changing the trajectory of those relationships. Yeah, and if it's with their kids, which I love to do that family work, it's cycle-breaking work. Yeah, and it's so profound. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 39:33

Yeah. Oh, well, thank you for that. And you trigged my my memory. I want to let everyone know that we will have a link to the book, but we will also have a link to reach out to Candice if you if you would like to speak to her about anything at all. So the book link is going to be in the show notes as well as Candace's information. Yay! Oh, Candace. Well, thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for being willing to come on and be vulnerable and and talk about your story and and these just really important things. I appreciate it very much. Okay, everybody. Until next time, thank you for being here and we'll see you again. Bye bye. Bye. Thanks so much.