The Cameo Show
The Cameo Show is a podcast about sharing our life experiences and learning from each other. Through solo stories and inspiring conversations with a wide variety of guests, we explore the secrets and strategies for feeling confident, empowered and equipped to live the life we want to lead. Tune in to learn how to find joy and fulfillment in your life and to gain valuable insights from the amazing stories and lessons of our guests.
The Cameo Show
How to Stop People Pleasing and Take Back Your Power!
People pleasing your thing? This episode dives deep into the hidden weight of shoulds—the silent expectations that drain your energy, fuel burnout, and disconnect you from what truly matters. Learn how to shift from obligation to intention, reclaim your identity, and start making choices that align with your values, not someone else’s.
What You’ll Learn:
- How the “should” mindset keeps you trapped in frustration and self-doubt
- The power of reframing “I should” into I choose—and why it changes everything
- Why societal pressure leads to burnout, resentment, and loss of self
- Personal examples of breaking free from shame and taking back power
- How self-reflection and small mindset shifts create lasting transformation
If you’re tired of feeling stuck in expectations that aren’t your own, this episode is for you. Hit play, challenge your "shoulds", and start living on your terms.
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Hello and welcome to the Cameo Show. I'm your host, cameo, and we are joined today by my husband and co-host, mr Greg Braun.
Speaker 2:So excited to be here.
Speaker 1:Today we are talking about why the shoulds are killing you, why you need to stop living for everyone else. But before we get to that, greg likes to start us with a dad joke. Greg, do you have one?
Speaker 2:I do. I have a friend that went to mime school and I've never heard from him since.
Speaker 1:Very good, very good, but so we all fall quote unquote victim to the shoulds. Right? Should is a sneaky word because it sounds like something we're supposed to do. It's an expectation. Maybe it's something that we have been conditioned to believe is how we will succeed in life. I should do this or I should do that, but it's actually a source of guilt and resentment and stress and burnout, and I heard it somewhere, probably on Instagram that we should all over ourselves. And then we look around and wonder why do we feel so shameful all the time? Why do we feel so unfulfilled?
Speaker 1:I talk a lot about this in my upcoming book, the Reset Button. I talk about the shoulds and the shame associated with it, and the Reset Button is all about giving yourself permission to move past that Anytime you find yourself shoulding all over yourself. There's a framework in the book that shows you how you can move and navigate past that, and I personally have shoulded myself to death. I should do this for the kids' school. I should do this for work. I should be better at having conversations and relationships and friendships.
Speaker 2:Everyone does, I'm sure, because it's how we're conditioned and programmed from the earliest years of our life that we should sit down, we should be quiet, we should learn, we should all get all A's, we should all do this, we should all be like that. And then it's gotten exponentially worse as we've implemented social media and the comparison over and over and over again every day. So the shoulds are real, all caps powerful. Day so the shoulds are real, all caps powerful. You feel that every day. It's like you have to consciously be aware of the shoulds or they'll take over.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's definitely become something that's like a societal norm that we constantly I find myself saying I should a lot and have to catch myself and pull myself out of that trap because the words that we use are powerful.
Speaker 1:Right, we talk about that a lot and have to catch myself and pull myself out of that trap because the words that we use are powerful.
Speaker 1:Right, we talk about that a lot, that simply reframing how you say something can completely change your perspective. And I actually, in kind of doing some research both for the book and for this conversation, found a stat from psychology today that said that people who frequently use the word should in their self-talk tend to have higher levels of anxiety, depression, frustration, because we're constantly comparing ourselves to where we should be in life, whether that's in our career and our relationships. Usually that doesn't align with what we want personally in our relationships. Usually that doesn't align with what we want personally. Usually that's driven by some external expectation, that is, from someone else or somewhere else and, to your point, to social media, that we see all of these things happening and think, well, god, I'm a piece of shit because I'm not where I should be at 42 years old or what I should be doing with my business, and it's a never-ending well of frustration and disappointment.
Speaker 2:It's a positive thing as well, because it does inspire you I should eat healthier, I should work out. I mean there's a pull for a positive impact on your life, but if unchecked and you're doing it unaware, it can be a detriment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree, and I think that's where the reframing and the word choice can come in handy. If you catch yourself saying I should eat healthy as an example because you're right, that's a positive thing, I should eat healthier you set yourself up, though, for feeling disappointment if you don't, if you make a different choice in that moment. So, instead of saying I should, perhaps if you say I choose to or it's a priority for me to eat healthier, instead of that feeling like an obligation, it feels empowering, and I know it seems crazy to even think that, but I just know that in my experience, in the way that I talk to myself and in the way that I practice and share with others, if you can get really good at changing your word choice, the way you approach things is viewed very differently. So I'm glad you brought that up, because I do think that there is a positive side to everything. That all comes back to mindset and perspective, and I think that if we can get away from certain words, like the shoulds and shame associated with it, you stop trying to live up to an external expectation.
Speaker 1:The long-term effects of using the word should, or constantly feeling the need to live up to others' expectation are burnout, resentment, unfulfillment, those things we've talked about. Also, identity crisis. You find yourself doing things because you feel like you should fit in and I'm disconnected from others. So you use social media as an example, and in real life also, but you see others doing things and you think I should be doing that.
Speaker 1:And you feel this sense of like. Well, who am I if I'm not?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's huge, especially like someone right out of high school all of their friends are going off to college, because that's what you should do is get good grades and then go off to college and you should go get a bachelor's degree. And it's like, but what if your priorities and what if your goals are something different that doesn't require that or, you know, maybe a more technical degree? I can remember back when I was a young man, right out of high school, it was like I had the shoulds and the what should I do?
Speaker 2:And it's social pressure, it's parental pressure, it's you know and so society and you know it takes a strong conviction and strong will to look at your situation and go. I know that's what I should do by everyone else, but for me, I'm going to go learn this trade or I'm going to work here instead. So as a musician, I've had to turn down opportunities and gigs to play in bars, especially early in my sobriety journey where I did not want to be in bars but I still had the case of the shoulds like I should be playing. I should say yes to this. The why was stronger than the should in that moment.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's a great segue into the concept of breaking free from that by owning the, owning your own life, and asking yourself difficult questions in that moment Like who am I doing this for?
Speaker 2:Right, right.
Speaker 1:So it's about why am I doing this thing? But also, who am I doing it for? Because if you feel like I'm doing this because someone else told me I should be, it's important for someone else, or it maybe is an alignment with someone else's goals, but it's not really for me and it doesn't feel right. Asking yourself those questions. Well then, why am I doing it? Who am I really doing it for? It can really uncover the true essence of who you are and encourage you to use your own values, your own priorities, your own interests as a guide for your own decision-making. As you start to peel back the layers, if something doesn't feel right, you discover, like, even when it's hard, especially when it's hard, when the answers are difficult because often they're against the grain, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Start listening to yourself. Often, you're making decisions that maybe aren't in alignment with what other people think you should be doing, and it feels like pushing a boulder uphill right. It feels like, oh boy, there's that identity crisis again.
Speaker 2:Group thought is a real thing. And if you get 100 people together and they all have a consensus about the same idea, and if you're the one person out of a hundred, that's going to be like I'm not going to do that. You're going to feel a strong should I should be part of this group. I, I should go to church every Sunday because that's what, what you do, right. But what if it's not in alignment with how you believe, you know and the things that you believe? So it's like if you start doing things like not drinking, not going to church on Sunday morning, Turning down band gigs because you don't want to play in bars.
Speaker 2:Yeah, my whole life I've done that. What do you mean? This is who you are. Your identity is playing drums, and playing in front of people will see you play and give you that energy. And playing in front of people will see you play and give you that energy, and you love to do it.
Speaker 1:But I don't want to go be in bars because my sobriety is more important than the thing that I should be doing. Yeah, so let me press you on that a little bit, as we're kind of recircling back to that. So what did you discover as you peeled back? There was some resistance, probably at first, because you should be doing this.
Speaker 1:how will I continue to be a musician if I don't take gigs and play in bars? Yeah, like you had to fight against that and peel back the layers. But what did you discover? As you did start answering some of those hard questions the why and the who. Am I doing this for what? What happened?
Speaker 2:Well, when I stopped drinking, I became very aware of how much people pleasing I had been doing and how much of the shoulds I just went in line with and just played my role.
Speaker 2:It showed me that I have to be really convicted in my stance and firm in my footing, of where I want to be, and over time, those decisions that were hard in the beginning are much easier, because now we can look at situations and say is this me doing this because I don't want to upset somebody else, or I'm trying to please somebody else, or is this truly what is in alignment with me, my mission, my goals? And there is a difference. And living a life that's more in line with your convictions, your mission, your goals, your purpose feels totally different than when you're on the other end of that doing a bunch of shit that you feel like you should do. Part of this, part of that, yes, yes, yes, I can be there for that. You're just spread thin, like you said, you build up resentment and emotional fatigue and over time, you're just short with people and you're a shell of yourself because you've given all your essence away in these things that really, truly aren't important to you.
Speaker 1:And so, as you did that, what did you discover as an alternative? What opportunities presented themselves to you?
Speaker 2:It forced me to take this same thing, which, for me, was the love of music, creating music, playing music, being an artist and saying, well, I'm going to do the thing that I've just never had time to do, and that is develop myself as a studio musician, as someone that knows how to record from my home studio and create my own world right in the comfort of my home, because I was at a spot where my kids needed me, my wife needed me, my business needed me.
Speaker 2:And the cost because there's a cost of everything the cost of playing in bars for me meant that I would be gone all night, gone most of the next day and be tired the next day, compounded over and over, and over and over again, weekend after weekend. That did not help me be a more kick-ass dad and a more kick-ass husband and a more kick-ass business owner, because I was just burning my candle at both ends and I was just at a stage in my life where I couldn't do that anymore. I only had so much energy and I wanted to develop this other side of this thing and not just play live. There's nothing wrong with playing live, it's an amazing thing, but for me at that time it was like all right, let's approach it from this angle. So I basically poured myself into that, into the home studio recording part of it, and fell in love with it all over again as a fresh, new, beautiful opportunity.
Speaker 1:Did it feel more fulfilling because it felt like you were making choices that aligned with who you were, versus trying to fit in to what you thought the mold or expectation was.
Speaker 2:Definitely more fulfilling, just mainly because it allowed me to grow in this area that I had never grown in before. Because when I should play live and I played live that was just the version of me that started when I was 12, because I started playing in clubs when I was 12 years old with my mom. I just relived that over and over and over and over again. I'm Greg the live drummer, greg the live musician. Not to say nothing, ever was different from that, but the outcome was always sort of the same. You know, putting that should down of being a live musician and fully embracing this part of me that wants to be a musician that works from a home studio. It allowed me to grow in that area exponentially, and still to this day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, grow. It's empowering because you're making self-directed choices.
Speaker 2:I feel like I'm in total control, which to me that's a beautiful thing. I am a unique person in that way that I like to be the driver of my own destiny. So I know, not everyone's that way and that's fine, but I'm in control. I can make the decisions.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's clarity as well. It's control is elusive, but you can, you know, to a certain extent control how you respond to things. You can't always control your circumstances, but how you respond to things, and this is an example of that Reframing your wording, reframing your perspective, making sure that your choices are in alignment with you. I personally feel and I am certain that there are many others out there who feel this way in a generalized way, the pressure to I should be going to this event, or I should have a group of girls that I do girls night out with, or I should value time away from my husband and family more because it gives me an opportunity to be independent. But the reality is and it's taken me a while to kind of come to terms with this, when I've really broken it down and put a lot of work in, in thinking through all of these things over the years and specifically as I've been writing this book, that's not actually who I am.
Speaker 1:That might look on social media or in conversation, be something that is an expectation of women should have girls nights out and they should have their time away from their family, but for me, I value my time with my family in a way that I don't necessarily crave outside interaction. I value my independence in a way that I don't necessarily crave outside interaction. I value my independence in a way that I like to be in solitude and read and do things on my own, versus feel the need to go out. There's nothing wrong with any of that. It's just that I feel like for me personally and I know there are other women that feel this way or other people just from conversations but that feeling of like I should be more social or I should be more externally driven and it's like, well, no, actually you shouldn't if that's not important to you and there shouldn't be any shame associated with it.
Speaker 1:So I have felt a sense of shame over the years of not making that important, even tricking myself into feeling like, well, you haven't been a very good example for your daughter on how to establish external friendships with other women and establish yourself outside of your family and your marriage. And that's just me giving myself all of the negative worst case scenarios of feeling FOMO and feeling stress and emotional exhaustion of the shoulds. And that's just like a generalized statement from me and my experience and I can relate that to people feeling that way about their careers. I should be making more money, I should get this promotion, and it's really like, well, make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, because you can should yourself to death about these things and end up miserable, and end up feeling unfulfilled and stressed out and, like you said, burning the candle at all different ends, and then what's the point?
Speaker 2:Well, also, the opposite of shoulds is shouldn'ts, and there's a lot of shouldn'ts that we have in our lives where we think, oh, I'm too old, I shouldn't do this, or I'm a mom now and I shouldn't do that, or I shouldn't feel this way, and that's a lie too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you're absolutely right. I'm glad you brought that up, and that falls into the framework of trying to fit into the mold that other people lay out for us, with their own conditions, with their own expectations, and it forces us into this hole of making choices that we feel like are only appropriate for whatever that title or whatever that phase of life allows us to be, when the reality is. We're so much more than that, and that's where that freedom comes back in is breaking out of that mold and instead of should and should, ending yourself to death saying I don't really care about any of that.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:I'm not going to feel bad about it and I'm not going to be an asshole about it. I'm just going to start making choices that are in alignment with what my priorities are, and I'm allowed to do that and taking your own power back.
Speaker 2:Yes, well, that's the thing I just I don't want to sound like an old boomer here, that's just like preaching, but we just don't realize how short life is. I'm 47 years old. I feel 19 spiritually.
Speaker 1:You act 19.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's like 15, 15.
Speaker 2:If I could just go back to my 19 year old self, I would be like time is going to go by so fast. So don't get caught up in feeling like you should be doing stuff. You got to do what feels right to you, no matter what, no matter what. That's so easy to say, but the last 10 years of our lives but the last 10 years of our lives being able to say no has been the key element to shedding off these shoulds. Being able to stand up for yourself and be like. I know we should do this, and I know everyone else thinks we should do this, but this is what we're going to do instead, because of our whatever reasoning and that forces you into this you're a black sheep.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's a lot of freedom that comes from living authentically, and I encourage anyone listening who feels the pressure of external expectations to take a minute and ask yourself some hard questions, starting with who am I doing this for? And drilling down with brutal honesty to yourself. You don't have to share it with anybody. If you're not comfortable, you don't have to talk about it. You don't have to do anything but get in the habit of starting there with brutal honesty. Who am I doing this for?
Speaker 2:Why am I doing it?
Speaker 1:Why am I doing this and what do I really want? What really aligns with who I am? Because when you break it down like that and you get really clear and really good at responding to your own instincts, it makes your decision-making and your choices about what to do next way easier and it gives you permission to say this is uncomfortable, but it's the right thing for me. And then that gets easier the more you put that into practice and then, before you know it, it's not even really something that you think about, it's not something that you have to practice anymore, it's just the natural way that you arrive at your own decisions and you feel a weightlessness that does not exist when you're living for everyone else's expectations. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not easy, right, greg? I mean there are hard conversations and hard decisions that have to be made, that are uncomfortable as hell, that feel filthy, that they feel awful sometimes in the moment, beyond deciding to play live or not or deciding to go out and socialize, but I'm talking about really big, deep rooted things with family or with careers that are heavy. They don't always feel good, but I can promise you that if you get good at making sure that they're in alignment with you and your true essence, that emotional fatigue and that resentment starts to just kind of dissipate. It makes everything feel more genuine and more full of love.
Speaker 1:So this week, I encourage you to take one action. Make it small if it feels more comfortable, but really break it down. Drill down to the what, the why behind your decision-making, to try to understand if the choices that you are making are driven by external expectations and the shoulds or driven more by your own internal desires and what's truly in alignment with what's important to you. Thank you so much for spending your time with us. We know you can choose to spend it anywhere, and you choose to be here with us at the Cameo Show, greg, and I appreciate it so very much. It's so very meaningful to us to be able to be here and to provide things that we've learned on our journey that have helped us tremendously, and so be sure to like, follow and subscribe and leave a review if you're inclined. Also, don't forget to share with a friend, because I feel like a lot of people need this message to free themselves from this should prison that we all tend to live in.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Episodes every Wednesday. We'll see you next time.
