Fighting For Your Marriage w/ Kong Thao

Today we are talking about fighting for your marriage featuring a special guest, Kong Thao! Kong is full of wisdom and it is an absolute added value to have him with us in today's conversation. 

We have been married for what will be 11 years this April and but we dated for 7 years before he asked me to marry him. There has been a lot of years between then and now.  We have hit rock bottom, hit the cruise control, have grown together and apart. What saved us was when we began to renew our mind and placed God as our anchor. Join us as we share with you our take on fighting for your marriage, we hope that you are encouraged and inspired to love in a way that is honoring and pleasing to God. Yes! it's hard, but my friend, you can do hard things! 

Connect with me as you journey on in your mindset transformation! Now offering life coaching as a service, click the link below to get schedule a call with me.

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I'm excited to connect with you! Remember, you can do hard things!
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"- Philippians 4:13

*Affiliated with Painting Miracles, INC & Certified Life Coach through the I-A.M System

Transcript

0:10

Hey friend, welcome to the Restored Mind Podcast, where we are going to be talking about various life topics surrounding mindset transformations. These topics are coming from a faith lens and will propel you into a life of peace and joy. My name is Caroline, wife, mom of three, daughter of the one true king. Host of this podcast and certified light coach through the I am system by Painting Vehicles Incorporations. My hope is that this podcast brings God's light into your life and you break free from the chains that are holding you back. Friend, it is time to shift your mindset into one that will help you flourish. Ready? Let's go. Hello, and welcome to the restored mind podcast. My friend. How are you doing? How has your week been? for some of you, I know that November has November. For some of you, I know that February has been flying by, whereas for the few of us. This year has been really slow and the weather has been kind of cloudy too. So it's just not making anything better. But so we're going to keep moving on because that's all that we can do, right. I hope that you are having an amazing week despite what has been happening in your life recently. I want to thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen in on this episode. If you are new to the restored mind, welcome aboard the family. I am excited to have you here at the restored mind. We talk about various life topics surrounding mindset transformations. It comes from a faith lens. So that means. We are using the Bible to help reshape our way of thinking so that we can move forward in our life. With peace and joy. Despite what is going on. And I know it sounds crazy to even think about that. I know for me, that used to be a thought in my mind where I just assumed that there could be no peace if there was chaos in my life, but that is far from the truth. With the restored mind with God next to us with scripture in hand, where you're going to be able to get through it. Last week. I talked about how to walk in love. And in that episode, I shared about the one Bible verse that used to get me so angry. I talked about my reflection. on, why that was and what chaos it brought into my marriage. Then I shared what I learned during that season of my life. And in case you need a reminder, or if you didn't. Catch that episode, you're more than welcome to listen to it. But that particular verse comes from Ephesians five verse 22. It says wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. I was stuck on the word submit and I was so? Angry at that. So if you can relate or even if you're curious to know what my mindset was like back then. I highly encourage you to check out last week's episode. This week, we are going to be talking about why fighting for your marriage is so important. And I thought. What better way to kick this episode off. Then to introduce to you my very first guest speaker. I've alluded this entire week about having a guest speaker on board. And so today I get to introduce him to you. He is beauty. He is grace. I'm just kidding. Okay. If you know where that line came from you, my friend are the queen of chick flicks. But honestly, he's my husband. And. I'm excited to have him here. I'm just so excited that I get to share this episode on the restored mind with one of my best friend. And so it is my greatest honor to introduce to you my husband Kong. he has a relaxed and laid back personality that when I think back on how I used to be. I am shocked. that he stayed with me for as long as he had, especially after all that I shared with you last week about submitting to my husband. Kong is such a goofball, but it's also full of wisdom. And so that's why I asked him to join me on this episode. Hey, I'm glad to be here. This episode. I hope that whatever we're talking about today, just continue to help you guys through whatever you're going through. All right. So in today's episode, we are going to chat about some of the things that we've struggled with and what we also see a common struggle amongst other couples that we know as well. It's going to cover communication, forgiveness, and being selfish. We have been married for 10 years and we'll be celebrating our 11th year of marriage. This April. But we've been together a lot longer than that. We actually dated for seven years. I don't know what took him so long to ask me to marry him but. we dated for seven years. And so again, we're going to be celebrating 11 years this April, but before I dive into today's episode, I really wanted to share with you a disclaimer is that my husband and I, we are not licensed therapists or counselors and would encourage you. To seek help if you feel like you need it. we're just simply having a conversation that is sharing a portion of our experience and what we think our common struggles within marriages. In hopes that it'll shift your mindset and help you. I recognize things that you want to change in yourself to better your marriage. All right. So the first thing we're going to tackle is communication. And I ended up thinking and realizing that I was probably really bad at communicating. Cause I had this bad habit of. Assuming that my husband could read my mind. And it actually used to. Cause a lot of an issue in our marriage, because I, again assumed a lot of things that I knew I wanted, but didn't communicate that with him. So one of the things that I've learned is seeking to understand and not talking to hear your own voice. This comes from the perspective of the assumption that I had, that he knew what was in my head. And then an argument would ensue after that. So seeking to understand and not talking to hear your own voice. Disagreements are not a competition to see who wins. Honestly, there's no winner when you enter in a heated conversation and it ends with name calling. Broken items or really hurt feelings. Seeking to understand means listening before speaking, and it's fighting the temptation to want to speak over your spouse or interject when you want to make a correction as your spouse is speaking. I think about James. Chapter one verse 19 and 20 says know, this my beloved brothers, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak. Slow to anger. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. for me, Yeah, that kind of goes to one of the points that I wanted to talk about was. And seeking to understand, you know, as a man. Most of the time We listen to solve a problem. And when we do that, we don't really. Understand what the other person is going through. And for us to understand that, Hey, maybe we need to just listen to understand instead of solving a problem, because most cases, when you provide a problem, Or solution to a problem. It doesn't really solve the problem. That's a good point. I used to tell my husband all the time that I was not looking for him to fix my challenge or my issue that I was having. I was looking for someone to just listen. To what I had to say. It was an emotional thing versus an actual, tangible thing that I wanted him to fix. So, yeah, that's a really good point that you bring up. My question is what are some practical ways you can seek to understand. So for me, I know that sometimes we all get consumed in our lives. And multitasking and distractions on our phone. I say this because I believe these are the three things that affect our communication. The most. In order to combat that, I try to stick with at least. Some of the four things. that we're going to talk about, or we've already talked about. the first one for me is. Putting things away or putting it away. Whenever you're communicating with your spouse or anyone in general, learn to put whatever you're doing aside for a few minutes. To just talk about what is the topic and, or just intently listening. And simply, if you just remove these distractions Out of your view for a few minutes, it will help you both understand that you're, you're making contact. And communicating better. For me when I'm talking to people, I don't like talking to people and their heads are buried on their phone or whatever it is. And I just stopped talking. Yeah, I think you bring up a good point there. with talking about putting it down. What I really appreciate about you is what I'm talking to you and you're watching basketball. You'll actually pause the video or whatever it is that you're watching and listen to what I have to say. And it's something that I've noticed that you've been doing. but now that you're speaking about that, that's what comes to mind. So I appreciate that as someone who is. Trying to express my thoughts on whatever the topic is about. Yeah. And then the second one is we kind of spoke on that already. seeking to understand.. Like I said earlier, I struggle with it. And I'm assuming that most men struggle with it is that we just, we listened to solve problems naturally. And, again, I don't think that solves all the problems. But for most cases, I think. Most women. Speak to us because they want us to hear. And not really solve a problem. Yeah, it comes from. A an emotional perspective, at least I know for me and most of the women in my circle, and then the third thing I think that, helps in an all communication is to regurgitate. What the other person is saying in your own wording. With that said, the reason why you do that is because. You ensure that you're understanding the person and they're confirming that you are understanding them. And, If you do that, all people involved in the, in the conversation will have a clear understanding of what's going on and it will also allow you to provide a proper feedback to. To anyone or the solution at hand? Yeah, that's a good point. we do this thing called fair fight, which are best friends introduced us to when we were going through a really hard season in our marriage. And part of the fair fight rule is to regurgitate what the other person says. And the reason why we like doing that is because. It really helps us slow down to listen to what the other person has to say. Instead of assuming with our emotions. What the other person is saying, and that helps clear the air for anything else that follows afterwards. So I like that. That's a really good point. And it also forces you to listen without thinking about. A solution to the speaker, whoever's speaking to you. And then the fourth thing that I, I think that will help a lot of people is, asking question right. for the most part. It gets very emotional when you're in an argument, but. in most situations, if you don't ask questions and it's only one sided. The person may feel like they're being heard. But they also may feel like you're just ignoring them. So ask the questions. Why. Yeah, I think that it's hard to ask the hard questions because there's so many emotions involved, especially when the conversation is evolving around. A hard topic, maybe there's anger or frustration involved and maybe there's trust that was broken. there's a lot that goes into it. So I, I agree with that. It's asking the hard questions. But also in a loving way, not asking to assume, but genuinely wanting to know. And you know, for yourself when you're asking to provoke someone or asking, because you genuinely want to understand that person, that's a special language that I believe each couple ends up building on themselves. Being married for so long and also being with each other as well. Asking questions is also like a double-edged sword. depending on your relationship. With the person, it could be detrimental or it could help a lot. Personally, I think if you. Let the person know ahead of time that I'm not asking you questions because I don't believe you, or I'm not as your questions to attack you as a person or your character. instead you're asking to let him know, like my wife said asking questions. Out of an understanding. will help the situation, but then again, you have to. And you have to take a look at your relationship with that person. that's really determined on how you ask questions. Yup. I agreed that actually reminds me of a shark. Shark tank episode, is that what it's called? Where like these, these business ventures. Like, what is it called? Yes. It's called shark tank. Yes. So shark tank, mark Cuban ends up telling one of the person that comes in when they were, throwing their. Sales pitch. To for them to invest in their business. One of the things that he said, that's always stuck out to me is to read your audience and that has become helpful. Even in our marriage, even though my audience is one person, that's my husband. it also is a matter of reading his body language, understanding what the environment is like at the time and assessing for myself, if that question is appropriate for that. Specific moment and time, but also we have three kids, so we have to be mindful that we are setting the example on how we're communicating in front of them as well. We try our best to not lose our temper with one another. And I, would. Like to say that they've rarely seen that, but we're not perfect parents. So there are times where our kids can definitely see and feel the tension between the both of us, especially in the past when communication. Was definitely not at the fore front of our marriage.. So that covers communication for us. The next one we're going to dive into is unforgiveness and lack of communication when we're holding things together, not really sharing our thoughts and just assuming. And saying the word. Okay. As a way to bypass a conversation can lead to unforgiveness and. My friend holding grudges or keeping records of wrongs do not make for a peaceful marriage. You actually exert more energy being mad and holding grudges than you do when you choose forgiveness. Even when it's hard and I'm speaking from experience. Been there done that would not recommend at all. forgiving others is something that I've talked about a lot here on the restored mind, because it is probably the number one reason we cannot move past. Any situation that is hard and involves a lot of emotions. And it could be because we've conditioned our mind into thinking that we have to wait for the offended party to forgive us before we stop punishing ourself. Or we think that we have to wait for our anger or frustration or resentment to die out before we can forgive. That person. But the truth is that forgiveness is a choice. And most of us, a lot of us tie our emotions to it. It's a thing that we do subconsciously, but you can make the choice to forgive, even in the midst of your own anger and frustration. so babe, I wanted to ask you, what did you assume forgiveness meant and what do you know that it is now? I used to think that forgiveness was learning to let it go or forgetting about the event or learning to live with the pain. for me now, I see that it's completely given it up to God and not worrying about it. I asked myself, am I really going to spend all that time on, on not forgiving a person? If they wrong me, or even move the one moved out of my life. Like I told my wife before that, uh, if a person uses me, that's fine. Maybe I'm that blessing to that person's life for the moment in time. And Sometimes it can put you in people's lives to be a blessing to them. Even if you have to suffer a bit. As a kid. I remember reading first Corinthians 10, 13. And it always stuck with me. And it says no temptation has overtaken you except what is common to man, and God is faithful and he will not Let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when tempted, he will also provide a way out so you can endure it. In other words, everything that you are going through someone else has already gone through, so you're never alone. And it also means that God will never give you something you can't handle. Yeah, I like that. That was a very elaborate answer, baby. But I liked that because it brought out a lot of things. I'm glad that you brought up. That temptation is something that does not overtake us if we do not allow it because God gives us a way out. And so in that same way, I knew that forgiveness for a lot of us. is hard because. It deals with a lot of the things that we are attempted with. So rethinking about and recounting the situation that happened. I, for me, I think about when I was walking in unforgiveness, it. I brought up a lot of anger and frustration, and I used to walk around thinking, asking to myself. How could they do this to me? and it just angered me. The situation would play over and over and over in my mind. And you said something that stuck out and that's giving it to God releasing it. To him. My friend's forgiveness is not for the other party, it's for you to get healing. And it comes in layers. My husband and I we've walked through many seasons of our life of unforgiveness. And I think we both can attest that it doesn't do anything for our marriage except. Divide us apart. And when a household is divided, the enemy makes his presence known very well because there is no peace in the house. Yes. And holding grudges is like, it's like a scab. The more you pick at it, the more you're going to bleed and the longer it stays around. So try not to hold grudges. And when you forget about the grudge or give it to God and release it, you don't pick at the scab as much. I like that. Yup. Healing takes time. Forgiveness happens in layers and my friends. It's definitely not a perfect journey. It is very hard to navigate through, especially through all of life's messes. But. That is why we look to Jesus for help. He is the one who delivers us, redeems us, and through him, we receive salvation for our sins. So it is nothing that we can do by ourselves. That is going to. Be worthy of anything. It's actually what Jesus has done for us. I think about the Lord's prayer in Matthew six verses 14 through 15. It says for, if you forgive others, their trespasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, their trespasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses. And so kong with that I'd like to ask you, what would you say to someone who is struggling to forgive their spouse? And what about when it comes to infidelity? When it comes to forgiving your spouse. I think. That's something you have to work on. Together. It's not just me for giving you or you for giving me. Because once you say, Hey, it's on that person to forgive me. Then you relieve the blame or the events. You just get rid of all of it and putting it on the other person. So as a couple, you have to work it through together. If you don't work it through together, you're just gonna end up blaming the other person again. I think, you know, I, I said this before and I, I said it again. I think this goes to. Infidelity and just your spouse is that. I believe that everything can be fixed. With infidelity. It's going to be rough and tough between The couple. But I believe that anything can be fixed through God. It's just depending on your willingness to work on it or not with the other person. Yeah, I agree. There's a lot of. Struggles. There's a lot of emotions that come when we're struggled to forgive our spouse. For whatever reason, and maybe they stayed out too late one night, or maybe there was a miscommunication somewhere. And. Whatever plan that you had didn't happen because of that miscommunication. So there's a lot of things that go into forgiveness. It's not just always about the big things. I feel within the past what, five years or so that we finally come together. And really decided that we wanted this to work. We wanted this marriage to work, so. In order for that we have to put in work and it gets hard. Some days it gets very hard. And tiring and we feel like we're just at wit's end with one another. I know I'm painting a very scary picture maybe for the person who's listening and they're recently engaged or in a long-term relationship, but these are the realities of marriage. It's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows. It's not always going to be easy, but the best. Thing that we have going for us is the blood of Jesus that we've received. And through. God's love for us. See, his love is not the same as what. Our flesh love is for each other. It goes a lot deeper than that. And I believe that has been our saving grace, but yes, I agree with you. That. You make the choice to forgive and, and it takes a lot of work. Now when it comes to infidelity. It's hard to speak on that, because that is very personal to each couple. And, the only thing I can say to that is, is you have to make that choice on whether or not you want to stay. But if you stay. You have to be willing to work for it. There was a season in my life with Kong when we were dating. And, there was a lot of hurt that had happened in that season of our dating life. And we broke up and then got back together, He was saying, Hey, if we got back together and you made a choice to be with me, then you've also made the choice to. Let go of what's happened. And that's not to brush off what did happen, but to walk in the hard. Path of forgiveness. So yeah. I'm glad that you brought that up and that's what it reminded me of. So with that being said, it brings me to being selfish. We cannot help in our own flesh, but be selfish. I'm guilty of it. Kong's guilty of it. Everyone is guilty of it because. It is such an easy habit and mindset to get into it's when we're talking about. Our own wants and our own needs. It's a natural thing that we do. And so, because it is natural for us to be selfish. Being selfless takes more work. You have to put yourself second, consciously thinking, putting yourself second. And that's not our nature to do that, especially when we are in a marriage and we have different needs. And wants or dreams. That's selfishness drives us to become consumers of others and the world. when we live in this consumption or this consumer mindset. We, we look for all the things that can benefit us. And sometimes people get married because they want the benefit of being married. And that's one thing you don't want to do is looking for something to benefit from your spouse. Now I see more people getting married because of benefits versus because they want to be with each other. In the longterm. And, God tells us to give. For a long time. I used to think that giving was a reference to finance, but now that I'm older, A little bit wiser. I see. I see that, um, I see that. You can give any way you, you want, or you can give. any way you can. And by that I'm saying you can either give your time, your resource, or even a listening ear to other people. And most of the time selfishness usually ends up in self-destruction. So be wary that if you are very selfish. You're probably going to drive other people away due to the fact that you want benefits from everything that you touch. It's very, self-destructing yeah, I totally agree. when you're in a selfish mindset, you end up just being all consuming of yourself and your wants and your needs. And then you tend to forget about the needs of your spouse. I recall, there's a season in our marriage where my husband, he felt forgotten about. I recall. In this particular season, I was convicted of a question that really struck me to my very core. And was, did you even ask him how his day was? Did you even care? And those were the questions that came to mind in my own devotional readings in the morning where I realized that I was probably not a very nice person. And how he must have felt like he was just going to work and coming back and we were just having. Really blanketed, no value having conversations. It was just very robotic. And so definitely speaking from experience, that's not a place where you'd want to be my friends. You want your conversations with your spouse? To have life to have meaning because that's where the growth of all things happen is when you learn to dream together. I know that sometimes it's hard to understand your spouse because what they want to pursue is an ideal for you. And it can cause this comfort and different areas of your life. For example, I'm thinking about finances right now. So if your spouse wants to maybe start a business and you're unsure about how your guys' finances are going to cover that, and you start thinking about all of the, what is. I know that it can cause a lot of discomfort, but our job is to not discourage our spouse. It's not to be our spouses tempter, but to help them and serve them the best way that we can. And sometimes that's just. Yes, expressing concern and having a conversation over it other times. It's just trusting them to make the moves. And even when they mess up. You are learning to not say words, like I told you so, or we shouldn't have done this because. We have to think about the perspective of the other person. At least that's how I do it. I'm pretty sure if my husband messed up, he would know that he messed up, but poking at it and talking about it constantly. It's not going to make the situation any better. And so I'm reminded of Philippians two, three, where Paul writes do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves. And it can be so hard. To do that right. To do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit. But counting others more significant than ourselves and yes. That sometimes mean that we do have to walk. And the thick of it with our spouse, when they make a mistake. When we make a mistake, when we've said things and done things that we didn't mean, we have to walk through that it's putting them first. So that could mean simply apologizing and giving them time to cool off that can mean before you make a business move, you bring it to your spouse's attention that this is what you want to do. Not really that you're going to actually do it, but that you genuinely listen to Where their mindset is at and where their worries are coming from. And then you move on from there. It's not always about, this is what you dream of doing. And so you're just going to go for it. And they're either going to be with you or they're not in the end. I believe that that comes from. being selfish as well. We just got done, talking about that. Yeah. So when you're married, you and your spouse, you unite as one, uh, But in terms, selfishness is a very individual base concept. So when there's selfishness in a marriage, it causes a division. Of people's wants and need. in most relationship, the great divide is selfishness. These wants. Always pulls us different directions and we lose sight of what we need as a couple. Yeah. So selfishness is very individual based. when you have individual Allity in a group or a couple, you usually have an outlier. And that outlier usually what does one to two things? It crumbles. A building block Or it becomes a weak link in the chain. So. Don't be selfish in a relationship or as a couple or. In a marriage. Most of the time what you do as you divide yourself or pull yourself away from another person So if you are an individual based person, Then how can you give yourself over to someone else? Or to God. Yep. I like that, but my friends do not hear what we're not saying. We're not saying that you cannot go after what you want. We're not saying that. You can't, stand up for yourself. Idea here is to unite as one, to be as one, so that you can move as one and to be stronger in that way. So don't want to let the enemy tell you that what we're trying to say is that you don't have. Any say in your marriage or that you can't attain any goal that you want to attain because your spouse is not on board. That's not what we're saying at all. It is the idea of unity is what we're trying to portray here. See marriage. My friend is a reflection of our relationship with God. His purpose for marriage is to be the model and picture of his covenant. And it also reflects Jesus's relationship and his bride. Which is the church. And so we have to think about marriage as a covenant. When we enter into it, we have to start becoming more selfless. So. It's basically less about us and more about serving our husband or our wife. in the best way. That is honoring and pleasing to God. To God, my friend, not to our spouse, but to God. Because he comes first. So to end off this episode, I have two questions to ask you Kong. Why do you think marriage is worth the fight? And what is, one advice do you give a couple looking to get married? What I think that marriage is worth the fight. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. love conquers all. It's a sacred value. made by you and your spouse in front of God. And he will always provide a way out. And the second question is what's one advice. You'll give a couple looking to get married. I say that. Put God in the center of your relationship. Make him your foundation. In our early days of marriage, I felt that we kind of just did our own thing without God. And it wasn't until, we reunited with God. That our marriage became better. With God as your foundation, you can build, whatever you want to build on it, and they could be stable or unstable. You can always clean the slate and rebuild it and you'll never have to rebuild your foundation. Once you have God on it. So. My one advice is. To everyone out there who is actually listening, make God, your foundation and your rock. Yeah, I love that. Thank you so much for jumping on, on this episode with me. I really appreciate it. And I hope that all of you. Got new insights from my husband yeah. So thank you. Yes. Thank you. for all the listeners, I hope you hear what we're saying and I hope you're not misinterpreting it. We're just trying to tell you ways you can build a healthy relationship. Love that love that. All right, friends. So again, thank you so much for being here today. My friends, I'm excited to have you on next week. We're going to continue with the theme of love. I know I've said this a hundred times already, but I'm super excited to reshare it with you. I've become a certified life coach through painting miracles. And so. I am offering you. My services. If you are ready to take the next step in your mindset, transformation journey. And you need someone to help you along the way, or really just to keep you accountable. I would love to help you. The link to work with me. It's going to be in the show notes, along with the links to all of my social media pages. I know my friend's marriage can be so hard. Relationships in general are hard. But my friend, you can do hard things. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to listen in on this episode. I meant what I said. You can do hard things, so don't let the daily challenges stop you from reaching your greatest potential. If you are ready to take the next step in your journey and are finding that you are in need of help and would like someone to keep you accountable, I would love to offer you my life coaching services. Click on the link in the show notes to get started there. You will also find links to my social media pages where you're able to connect with me as well. My friends, I look forward to speaking with you again next week here on the restored mind podcast. Go in peace.