156 | Mom Guilt: Why You’re Still Stuck As A Perfectionist Mom

Hey Mama!

April Series: 4 Weeks to Freedom — A Mom Guilt Type Breakdown. This month we’re unpacking the 3 most common mom guilt types (Perfectionist, Past-Dweller, Comparison) so you can name your pattern, swap pressure for grace, and walk in real peace.

Have you ever snapped… and immediately heard, “I should have known better”? Like you’re not just a Christian mom who had a hard moment—you’re a failure who should’ve mastered motherhood by now.

In this episode, we expose how that sentence sounds responsible, but it’s actually “pressure in disguise.” And when you’re a perfectionist mom, pressure doesn’t make you better—it keeps you stuck in mom guilt and self-condemnation, always trying to earn your way back into peace.

Ephesians 2:8–9 reminds us grace is “the gift of God”—not something you perform for, prove, or pay back with guilt.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• How to spot “I should have known better” as a warning light that pressure is taking over
• Why perfectionism can quietly block grace—and what it looks like to receive peace as a gift
• A simple Grace + Repair Loop you can use after losing your temper (without spiraling or self-punishing)

If you’re stuck in mom guilt and craving grace-filled peace, press play and listen now.

More FREE Resources:

Take The Quiz: Break Through Mom Guilt Quiz

Become a Restored Mind Mama: Sign Up Here

FREE Community:  Break Free From Mom Guilt

Instagram: @_restoredmind

Email: carolinethao@restoredmindllc.com

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It's time to become to the mom you want to be. You can do hard things!
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"- Philippians 4:13

Transcript

0:00

If you keep thinking, I should have known better, this episode is for you, mama. That one sentence sounds responsible, but it's actually pressure in disguise. And today we are going to be exposing the lie underneath perfectionist mom guilt and the grace you've been missing. Welcome to the Restored Mind. Biblical wisdom, simple steps. No more mom guilt. I'm Caroline Tao. Let's do this. Mama, if you feel called out by that thought, I should have known better. Then I want to invite you to take the Breakthrough Mom guilt quiz because when you can name your guilt pattern, you can stop lighting it, run your motherhood, and maybe you're thinking, Caroline, I do not have time for one more thing, and I get it. That's why this quiz is only seven short questions, and it takes just three minutes, but it'll give you clarity on what's actually driving the guilt and what to focus on first. So go and take that quiz. It's linked in the show notes for you. All right. Welcome back to the restored mind. Mama. I am so happy you're here. I honestly can't believe we're already in April. It feels like this year is just flying by. And I'm exceptionally excited today because we are kicking off week one of our April series. It's four Weeks to Freedom where I am breaking down each mom guilt type, And we are starting with the perfectionist mom today. Alright, so if you are the perfectionist mom, I want you to listen for this phrase because you've probably said it maybe in your head or while in conversation with another mom or at some point in your motherhood journey. It's, I should have known better, and it sounds humble, right? It sounds responsible like you are owning the mistake that you've made. But today I want to boldly, but also gently challenge it, I should have known better, is often perfectionism and disguise, and it can quietly block you from receiving grace. So by the end of this episode, you'll have one simple reset that you can use in the middle of real mom life moments, especially after you've snapped, you've maybe gotten stuck in the mom guilt spiral. Or feel that quote, unquote, I should have known better guilt hit.. I am gonna teach you a three part reset called Grace and Repair and that is made up of three things, which is naming the should so that pressure stops running the moments choosing grace so you don't punish yourself into change. And then lastly, we're gonna talk about repair and reconnecting so that you can rebuild connection and move forward and you'll hear exactly what to say for the repair part so that you're not trying to figure it out ahead of the moment. Now before we dive further into the episode, let me just ground this in a real story that happened way back when my son was probably two or three years old. See, he got really sick when he was younger, and I remember he was feverish, he was congested, his appetite dropped, and I had assumed that it was the flu because I thought that he would fight it off In a day or two. So I really wasn't concerned about it, but after a few days I got incredibly worried. So we took him to the hospital and that's when I found out he had pneumonia. And then immediately the guilt hit me because I was thinking. I should have known that those were the symptoms. And if you've ever been there, you know how heavy that moment feels because it really just isn't, I didn't know. It quickly becomes thoughts of I've failed. I am not careful enough, I am not doing a good job at this mom thing. And yes, the infamous, I should have known better, but here's what I had to come back to, and maybe you need this too, but it's that. Honestly, I didn't know what I didn't know and everything that I was experiencing in that moment, because he's my first child, was me learning everything in real time, which meant every experience was a first time experience for me. And perfectionist guilt does this thing where it likes to rewrite the past. Like you were supposed to be an expert from the beginning, It holds you to an impossible standard that you should have predicted or prevented, or you should have handled it perfectly and, and you should have never have to put yourself in a position where you have to learn it the hard way. And so, mama, if that's you, if any of that resonated. Just know that is not how motherhood works. All right? Because motherhood is about learning. It's about adapting and being human in real time. So what does that look like in our everyday moments? Well, maybe you were late again, maybe to church and you heard yourself say, man, I, I'm such a hot mess. I cannot get it together. And you probably said it in a joking manner, maybe within yourself or to a friend in conversation, but the perfectionist side of you is internally keeping score on how many times you have been late, or maybe your kid had a meltdown in public and you felt embarrassed by it, and underneath the embarrassment was the feeling of you thinking, oh my gosh, this is a reflection of me. Or maybe you got a note home from the teacher and you instantly went to, I have already talked to my child about this, so why is it still happening? Which by the way, all of these examples I'm giving you are things that's actually happened in my real motherhood journey. So these are just some examples that I pulled, and I know that there's so much more, but the reason why I bring them up is because these everyday moments, it begins to turn into pressure if we let it. Because in your head, it feels like their behavior is a report card on your parenting. And the reality is you can have standards. You can teach and train and guide them the best that you can, but you cannot control a person. And perfectionism hates that because perfectionism wants certainty. It wants control, it wants a guarantee. And if I should have known better, it keeps popping up. I want you to start hearing it differently because. It could be serving as a yellow flag, like something that you need to take note of and be very mindful of. So instead of hearing it like humility, hear it as a warning light and think, oh, pressure is trying to take over in this moment, and you have a choice. You can let it or you can think about what in that moment is needing your attention, and this is where. I want you to anchor in scripture, especially from Ephesians chapter two, verses eight and nine, it says, by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing. This is the gift of God, not as a result of works. So that means it is not earned by something that you're doing in motherhood correctly, or even incorrectly. It's not something you earned by being calmer or never snapping, and you know, finally getting it right. Grace is given. It is a gift. And the reason perfectionism can block that grace is because perfectionism quietly says I have to do something to earn my way back into peace. But I love how in scripture it reminds you that God gives you peace as a gift and so often return back to him. And so when you hear, I should have known better. I really want you to just recognize what's happening. That sentence is not just a thought, it's a verdict. It's you putting yourself on trial and trying to punish yourself into becoming better by trying to make up for so many things, and it puts this unnecessary pressure on you. And it's also why it creates a restless mind, because then you're never done proving yourself. You're never done paying for it, and you're never done making up for it. But the good news, mama, is that Jesus has already paid it for us, the perfectionism that we hold ourselves to. Jesus did that through obedience and surrender and paid for it on the cross for us so that we wouldn't have to walk in perfection. But we could just show up as messy as we are and still receive that grace that is needed. So, the invitation today is not to try harder, it's to receive grace and learn how to respond from that place. And if you're like, okay, Caroline, but I still want to grow. Yes, me too, mama. I love learning new things, and honestly, I like a bit of a challenge. But grace doesn't mean that I'm not growing right? It doesn't cancel growth. It actually fuels it. Pressure says, you know what? Change or else, whereas Grace says, come and let's rebuild, which by the way, I love that word rebuild because it's not really about starting over in a sense. It's really about taking the best parts of what's already there and refining it and making it better. And so now this part matters so much because perfectionist moms carry this fear that says, if I mess up, I am, I'm ruining my kids. Or if I snap, I have ruined the moments and there's no way I can make up for it because I can't turn back time. It also thinks if I yelled. Then I just have ruined their childhood because that's all they're going to remember me as is the yelling mom. but here's the truth. Your kids do not need you to be perfect in order for you to show up as their mom. They actually would much rather prefer your presence and repair. Yeah. How you reconnect with them after a conflict matters so much. And so here's a simple practice that I want to leave you with before we wrap up this episode. You can do this especially after you've snapped or you hear that thought of, I should have known better. It's three steps. The first one is to name the should,. So when guilt hits, I want you to ask, what was I expecting for myself right there? Meaning, what was the pressure that I was trying to put on myself? What was the invisible rule that I have? Which by the way, invisible rule books are really just those thoughts that we have that we think make up a good mom that we don't necessarily say out loud. And sometimes those rules become an impossible standard for us and we don't even realize we're carrying it. And then secondly, choose grace. Remind yourself often that grace is a gift. It's not something that you need to earn by doing motherhood correctly. Because let's be honest, all of us moms out here, we're struggling too. We don't always have the answers and we mess up, but for some reason. We believe and we hold ourselves to a higher standard, which there's nothing wrong with that. It could be so good for us to hold ourselves to a higher standard, but it can also be a double-edged sword because then that higher standard that we hold ourselves to becomes this unbearable pressure that happens, and that's how the mom guilt spiral ends up happening. So just choose grace and choose it daily if you need to. And then finally the last step is to repair and reconnect if it's needed. So if you need to repair, keep it simple and present, this is not a lecturing moment. You're not talking about their mistakes. You're really talking about your mistakes. What did you do wrong and how could that have affected them? And then finally, repair with a real apology and ask for forgiveness. That part can be so hard to say you're sorry. And then to ask for forgiveness. I truly believe that a part of that being so hard is because there's a fear of rejection that they're gonna say, no, I don't forgive you. And the truth is that might very well be their answer. When that happens, yes, it's gonna hurt. And yes, you're going to want them to forgive you right away, but that also opens up the door for you to have an even deeper conversation with them about whatever happened, so it's a really good thing. It, it's just uncomfortable to go through. Another reason why it could be hard for us to do that is because we might not have had that. Displayed to us as kids. I know in my household, apologizing was not a thing, and asking for forgiveness was definitely not a thing. It took a lot for me to do that because I felt like if I apologized, then I was somehow weak. But that's not true at all. So here's a repair script that you can borrow if you need to. You can say something like, Hey, I got it wrong. I am so sorry that I fill in the blank.. And I realized that it affected you in a negative way because it hurt your feelings. And I didn't mean to do that. I am sorry. I was mad. Will you forgive me? And pause and wait for them to answer. And whatever their answer is, let them know that you love them and let them know that you're available to talk to them if they want to continue the conversation now or at a later time. And here's the mindset shift for you. Apologizing, and asking for forgiveness does not make you a weak mom. If anything, it makes you a safer mom. It opens that line of communication for them that builds trust, and that is so important. It goes such a long way. And yes, you're probably gonna mess up. Words aren't going to come out perfectly. You may stumble and stutter over your words, and guess what? That's okay. Because this isn't about perfection. This is about you being a mom in real life. All right, so just name the should choose grace, repair and Reconnect if needed, and then move forward without punishing yourself. And mama, if you're the perfectionist, mom, I want you to hear me so clearly today. You are not a bad mom, and Grace is inviting you to exhale even through the mess. And if this entire episode you are wondering what mom guilt type you are, go and take the quiz. It is linked in my show notes for you. I'm excited for you to come back next week so we can continue this series. Alright, mama, take a deep breath because you are becoming the mom that you want to be and yes, it's hard, but you can hard things. Thanks for hanging out with me today, mama. If this episode helped you in any way, would you do me a favor and please share it with a fellow mom that could also benefit from this episode. Until then, I'll see you next Wednesday, right here on this podcast. Go in peace.