158 | Christian Peace The Real Reason You Can’t Forgive Yourself

Hey mama!

*April Series: 4 Weeks to Freedom — A Mom Guilt Type Breakdown. This month we’re unpacking the 3 most common mom guilt types (Perfectionist, Past-Dweller, Comparison) so you can name your pattern, swap pressure for grace, and walk in real peace.

Past‑Dweller moms don’t just replay a moment… they replay a season. And if you’ve ever gone to bed at 10PM “confessing,” only to punish yourself by replaying the day all over again, this one’s for you.

Maybe you’ve thought: “I should’ve known better.” Or, “Here we go again… I’m just the yelling mom.” That’s not conviction, it’s the shame spiral. And it’s why you can know God forgives you… but still feel like you can’t forgive yourself.

In this episode, we talk about the uncomfortable truth underneath mom guilt: you’re picking and choosing what’s forgivable about you—when God already paid for it.

Here’s what you’ll learn (with Scripture + practical steps):

• How to spot the difference between conviction and condemnation so you stop spiraling
• Why God’s mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22–23) and how to receive them today
• A simple “5‑Minute Reset” to practice self forgiveness and walk in peace

If you’re a Christian mom struggling with forgiveness and constant self-condemnation, press play and let’s replace the replay loop with grace.

More FREE Resources:

Take The Quiz: Break Through Mom Guilt Quiz

Become a Restored Mind Mama: Sign Up Here

FREE Community:  Break Free From Mom Guilt

Instagram: @_restoredmind

Email: carolinethao@restoredmindllc.com

Leave A Review On Apple Podcast

It's time to become to the mom you want to be. You can do hard things!
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"- Philippians 4:13

Transcript

0:00

Past dweller moms don't just replay a moment, they replay a season. So let's talk about the question underneath. What do I do when the guilt feels cumulative? Welcome to the Restored Mind. Biblical wisdom, simple steps. No more mom guilt. I'm Caroline Tao. Let's do this. Before we dive in, mama, if you don't already know your mom guilt type yet, take my mom guilt breakthrough quiz. Because once you can name your pattern, you stop feeling crazy and you start getting clarity, It's linked in the show notes for you. All right. Welcome back to the Restored Mind. I am so glad you're here today. We have been all month long doing this mini series called Four Weeks to Freedom, where I break down each mom guilt type and give you a taste of what freedom actually feels like so that you're not constantly stuck in that guilt loop where pressure and overwhelm become the theme of your motherhood journey. So today we are talking about the past dweller mom and in the very beginning of this episode, I asked you a question, what do I do when my guilt feels cumulative? And mama, here's the truth. When guilt feels cumulative, like when it starts to build up and it feels. Like it just doesn't stop. The thing is you don't need to punish yourself even more, meaning you don't need to do more work. You actually need to separate the gentle voice, known as conviction from the shame spiral, also known as condemnation because conviction is what God puts in front of you and love and truth so that you can grow. And yes, it's true, it's not always going to feel good, but it also doesn't keep you stuck. Now before we get into the meat and potatoes, I want to share a story with you because I think it's going to paint this. Out in a way that just clicks. Alright. Now, there was a season in my life where I realized I was a serial dreamer. I wanted my own boutique store. I wanted to be a chef at one point, and when I was in kindergarten, I remember wanting to be a teacher. I wanted to be a freelance makeup artist and hairstylist. That was my. Biggest aspiration as someone who was about to graduate high school. And the list honestly just went on and on and on. But none of it came to fruition. And the thing is, it wasn't because I wasn't capable. It was because I had put a lot of labels on myself and also the labels that I heard other people put on me. I let that decide what was possible for me. And you know what scared me the absolute most with all of these dreams, it was that I just didn't know where to start. And because I didn't know where to start, those labels had power over me. And when you don't know where to start, it's so easy to say, yeah, you know, I have these dreams, but one day I'll get there. But one day never came because that doubtful thought stopped me before I ever even tried. And so this is exactly what cumulative guilt does to the past dweller a mom. Because the guilt piles up over time, and it's usually one moment after another moment. And those moments now, they don't just stay as one single moment. It gets pulled from old memories into the present and then turns them into a label. So for example, maybe you didn't intend to. Lose your temper and yell, but you do, and you've realized that you've done that multiple times and it reinforces that thought because your kids say. Mom's gonna get mad, she's gonna lose her temper. Or your husband tells you how impatient you are, and so you begin to believe that this is who I am. So you roll your eyes at yourself when it happens, even though internally you're saying, I don't wanna be that mom. I don't wanna be remembered as the mom who is impatient, or the yelling mom or the whatever mom. Right? We don't want to be remembered as that. And so. You know, you've already told yourself that you weren't going to do this anymore, but of course, you do it again. You yell again, you snap again. You become impatient once again and you think. Here we go again. And so it reinforces the very identity that you are trying to break free from. So let's expose the lie because it needs to come to light. Now. The lie isn't only, I messed up because let's be honest, mama, between you and I, it is so much deeper than that. So if I could be real honest and gentle with you today, the deeper belief is this, my past defines me and I've wasted the years that matter most. Being this person, I don't even want to be, I'm the kind of mom who always does this, and this is just who I am. And for the Christian mom, the twist sounds like this. God would be so disappointed in me today if he and I had a conversation about how I was really doing. And you know, it can be hard to admit that it probably stung as you heard me say that on today's episode and made you wanna turn it off, which by the way, I hope you don't because I've been there and I know what it's like. It feels very lonely, feels like there's no way out, feels like you can't make up for the things that you've done wrong because you begin to wonder, am I doing enough, Lord? And then you start to believe that you're not doing enough, and before you know it, you're just stuck in this loop that continues to just cycle itself over and over and over again. Tightening the grip, mom, guilt has on you. So I want to bring your attention to lamentations chapter three, verse 22 and 23. It says the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness. And I, I want to also highlight that in verse 22. There's a footnote there that also says, because of the steadfast love of the Lord, we are not cut off. And a lot of times when this guilt begins to accumulate over the years and it just builds up on top of each other, we begin to feel like we are cut off from the Lord because we believe that we've somehow disappointed him. But that's just not true. And so what this verse mean is that today is not sentenced by yesterday and so that leads me to the next piece. You have to practice self-forgiveness God's way, because I'm gonna be honest. I have heard and read articles and listened to devotionals about self-forgiveness for so many years, and I never understood how to actually do it because I kept thinking, how am I supposed to forgive myself when I know what I've done? And they were pretty bad things that I am ashamed of. They're definitely not my proudest moments. But what changed for me was realizing this and it's that God's forgiveness matters more than what I personally deemed forgivable about myself. And that realization honestly catapulted me into the kind of peace and freedom that I had been searching for. So. What does this mean practically? It means yes, we do have to confess because it matters. And when you spend time with your father in prayer, you're not only praising him and worshiping him, but I encourage you to also acknowledge where you're falling short. And I'm gonna share something really quickly with you. I talked about this with my sister a couple of weeks ago, and I just, I wanna share it because it's so profound. I even surprised myself when I said this, okay. But we were having this conversation and I encouraged her to go to the Lord. With the thoughts and feelings that she was having that she wasn't so proud of. And the reason I encouraged her to do that was because God already knows what is on our mind and what is on our hearts. And so what we are sharing and bringing to him would not be a surprise to him, so I'm just gonna leave that there. And I hope that you find encouragement today to go to him with your thoughts, that you are feeling maybe even shameful of having. Because it's more than just you being vulnerable. It's receiving, to know that God forgives you and to actually receive it are two different things. And I know so many moms who struggle with this, they'll say something like, I know that God forgives me, but I can't forgive myself. And here's why this happens. It's because we start picking and choosing what is forgivable about us. But God doesn't pick and choose like that, all right? So when you are praying, maybe at. 10 o'clock at night and you're replaying the day and you're having this conversation with God and you are reliving the moment you're thinking about it, it replays in your head over and over again. It is not meant for you to punish yourself, but for you to acknowledge it and then release it, which I understand the releasing part of it might be hard because there's an emotional attachment. That we have to that moment and so it might hurt you. But the good news is God has forgiven you, and as you're working through this, you're on your way to forgiving yourself, especially when you realize that you don't need to be the judge of what is forgivable, because come on, we are already doing it to ourself and it's not really looking pretty right? Because we pick and choose what is forgivable about ourselves., and let me just say this, clearly, self-forgiveness God's way does not hold you to perfection. So just because you apologize, just because you are forgiving yourself, it doesn't mean that you're never going to mess up again. The chances of repeating an old habit are high, and that is also why coaching can help you because it gives you supports and accountability when you're trying to build a new pattern, which all of my contacts and how you can reach me for that are going to be listed in the show notes below as well. Now I want to give you something practical that you can do when this guilt continues to build up. I call it the five minute reset. So the first one is to name it. I want you to name that. Cumulative guilt because you'll know it. You'll say something like, you know what, this feels really familiar to me. I'm always putting myself down. And then secondly, I want you to separate it. So I want you to think, is this the gentle voice that's leading in love or is it the shame spiral that's keeping me stuck? And this goes back to what I was talking about earlier with conviction and. Condemnation. And then lastly, I want you to repair just one thing. So maybe it is that you, do one loving action immediately after you've realized you've put yourself down again. Remember, the goal isn't to never mess up again. The goal is to not let this one moment become your identity. And mama, as you're working through this week, you are definitely becoming the mom that you want to be one small grace filled step at a time. And yes, it can be hard, but you can do hard things. Thanks for hanging out with me today, mama. If this episode helped you in any way, would you do me a favor and please share it with a fellow mom that could also benefit from this episode. Until then, I'll see you next Wednesday, right here on this podcast. Go in peace.