159 | Mom Guilt: Why You’re Still Spiraling After One Hard Day

Hey mama!

You were short. You said it that way again.
You can still see their face and now your chest is tight because it’s like your whole day just got re-labeled in one moment.

You were doing better. You’ve been praying. You’ve been working on it. You’ve been “showing up.”

So why does it feel like you’re back at square one after one hard day?

And it’s not even just the moment, it’s what the moment means to you.
 'I should’ve known better. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stay consistent?'

You love your kids. You love God. You’re trying to build a life from home that actually matters… and mom guilt still finds a way to make you feel like a mess.

This is where mom guilt keeps you stuck: you don’t just see a mistake, you decide what it says about you.

•  You regret the reaction, you start treating it like a label (“I’m just a yelling mom”) and doubt gets louder than everything else 
•  You don’t feel “in progress”, you feel exposed… like all the effort didn’t count because you can’t see it 
•  You don’t experience a comeback, instead you experience shame, and it feels like proof you’re failing

If you’ve noticed this same spiral show up in other areas too—your habits, your confidence, even your faith—this will feel uncomfortably familiar (in the best way).

And instead of turning this into “here we go again”… you might finally see what’s actually happening when it does.

*April Series: 4 Weeks to Freedom — A Mom Guilt Type Breakdown. This month we’re unpacking the 3 most common mom guilt types (Perfectionist, Past-Dweller, Comparison) so you can name your pattern, swap pressure for grace, and walk in real peace.

More FREE Resources:

Take The Quiz: Break Through Mom Guilt Quiz

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FREE Community:  Break Free From Mom Guilt

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Email: carolinethao@restoredmindllc.com

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It's time to become to the mom you want to be. You can do hard things!
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"- Philippians 4:13

Transcript

0:00

You've done the work this week, so whether you're the perfectionist comparison or past dweller mom, why does it feel like you're back at square one after you've had a hard day? Today. I'm rounding up the entire series with what lasting growth actually looks like, Welcome to the Restored Mind. Biblical wisdom, simple steps. No more mom guilt. I'm Caroline Tao. Let's do this. mama, if you've been listening this month and thinking, okay, but what guilt pattern is actually mine? I made a simple quiz that helps you pinpoint your mom guilt type and shows you your next step to break free. With scripture and practical tools that fit you. It's only seven questions and takes just three minutes. The link is in the show notes. All right. Welcome back mamas. I am so excited that you're here, and today is also such an exciting day because I'm gonna be wrapping up the last week of our April miniseries. And if you missed it, there is still time for you to take the quiz so you can know if you are the perfectionist comparison or past dweller, mom, and you can also go back and listen to your specific episode, so that way this one, and the one that fits you the most is going to make sense because this is the episode that connects the dots for you. Mainly because I wanna talk about growth, because when we hear the word reset, oftentimes we assume that we are starting over. And that already feels incredibly heavy and daunting. And you're thinking, okay, here we go again, and I don't wanna do that. Because, let's face it, as moms who are incredibly ambitious and we're going after our dreams, of course, with God as our partner, it can start to feel like starting over is not something we essentially want to do. But I'm gonna challenge you to think about reset as not starting over, but as a set now, and then make adjustments so you're not restarting, you're just pivoting. And most growth cycle teaches you how to improve. But the one that I'm gonna talk about today teaches you how to return to grace by coming back to God so you don't turn one hard moment. Into your identity where it makes you feel like you're failing, you're not enough, or whatever else comes to your mind. And here's what I am ending the series with. When we think about growth, we think about the things that are measurable. So think about working out In that journey, you can measure the weight. So maybe that's the weight on the scale, the way that you're lifting how many reps you can do from one week to the next. And you can even take progress photos where you snap a picture of yourself on day one, and then maybe in 30 days you take another picture and as you are being consistent in your journey, you can physically see the changes that are happening over time. But with mindset growth and motherhood, it's not always like that. You don't always see it right away because sometimes growth is quiet. And it doesn't always make a grand entrance. So this episode is going to talk about the growth cycle, but I also wanna show you where each guilt type tends to get stuck so that you can start recognizing. What that pattern might look like for you. And then it'll allow you to pivot faster, which is always a good thing because your girl got stuck in it for quite some time, not knowing what to do. So here we go. First, the growth cycle, the one that I'm gonna talk about is in five phases. There's desire. Doubt the work, a comeback, and then lasting growth. And so, desire is that moment where you want things to change because you're not happy with what's happening, right? Thats not to say you're miserable, but there's just something inside of you, kind of like that pull or that tug. That's. Grabbing your attention and it grabs your attention so much so that you want to begin to do something about it. Also in this phase, we can tend to believe that this desire to want to change is proof that we're failing, but it's not. It's actually. An invitation that God is inviting you into for an opportunity to have this transformation take place. Because again, mindset and motherhood is not always measurable by the physicality of the things that we do, but by what's happening internally. And so here is where the perfectionist mom gets stuck. It's that when you feel this desire, you begin to immediately pressure yourself to quote unquote, do this perfectly. And now when that happens, you've made this reset. Feel like it's impossible. The comparison, mom feels this desire, but then starts scanning for what everyone else is doing and not just the ones that are on social media, but the moms that are in her immediate circle. So that might be within her friend group or church friends when she's in Bible study, those are moms that she's comparing herself to. And so because that happens, she automatically feels behind before she even starts. And if you're the past dweller mom, you feel this desire, but you are already replaying the past, and then you develop this lack of trust within yourself because you start thinking about all the times you've tried something and how it's failed you before. So you don't really see how this is going to be any different. Now I want you to tell me, which. Of these is most like you. And you can do that by clicking the link at the top of the show notes and sending me a quick text. And also a really cool thing about this feature is that I get to send you a message right back. So if one of these, or maybe even multiple of these were incredibly relatable to you, let me know. All right, so now let's talk about how we're gonna pivot in this phase of desire. How are we gonna get unstuck? So instead of asking how do I do a full restart, I want you to start thinking about this pivot as just one small adjustment. So think what is one small adjustment I can make today. Because remember, a reset is not necessarily restarting, it's just set now and adjust. When needed. Once you pick that one adjustment, also remember that you need to also continue to practice it until it becomes second nature to you. It's not always gonna be easy because remember, you are unlearning a habit or unlearning something that has become a habit. So. Be patient, mama and give yourself grace. And so once you've mastered this one adjustment, then you can move on to the next hard thing. And the thing is, your motherhood journey is not a race. So it's not about how fast you can make this change, it's about the quality and how you're making this change. Because guess what, being a mom. It's part of your life until the end, right? Until you go home to your father. And it's really not about being perfect in this moment or continuing to pin ourselves up against another mom or to look back on the past mistakes that we've made and stay stuck there. It's really about designing this motherhood journey experience that you are going to enjoy and you are going to be able to presently show up and even in your business or at home with your kids. It's about not letting guilt trip you up every time you are wanting to make this change. So the second phase is doubt, And in this phase you can picture the kind of mom you want to be, but there's a voice that says, yeah, but you're not her. And that doubt usually sounds like labels. It reminds you that you are just an angry mom, or that you're the constantly yelling, mom, you're the no fun mom. Right? Whatever it is that you've labeled yourself as is the doubt process because you begin to think, well, it's not just, can I change? Is this just who I am, especially after you've messed up or you've had a really hard day or even week. But when you are a perfectionist mom, doubt can begin to, sounds like, well, even if I do all these things, then I'm still gonna mess up. So what happens is you end up freezing and then nothing really gets done. You don't move anymore because you're trying to go back and perfect all the things that. Is not seemingly coming together. Comparison, moms will say something like, well, she can do this, but I can't. And in that moment, mama, you've shrunk yourself because you know, just as well as I know, that change is absolutely capable, especially when you partner with God. So continue to invite him in. All right. Now, the past dweller mom, she is someone who is gonna say, you know, I've tried this before and I always go back to the way that I used to be, so it's not for me. And so what's happened is you've assumed that the story is already written based off of what's happened in the past. It's almost like you don't fully trust yourself. And when this happens. You become a little bit skeptical on if this change is actually possible. But in all of these, I want you to remember, no matter which one you just related to, that this is doubt trying to take you out. Alright? Yes, you're gonna have these thoughts. Yes, it's gonna be a little bit scary, but that does not mean that the change is impossible. So how do you pivot when in doubt? Honestly, this is actually where you cannot rely on confidence that's rooted in you. I'm saying that with so much love because yes, you should have confidence in yourself, but it should first come from God, because when you root confidence in yourself and only yourself, then when things fall short, Your self-confidence ends up falling as well. But confidence rooted in Christ that holds you up even when you fall short. And here's what I want you to practice. When doubt shows up, there's three steps to this. First you're gonna name the lie. Then you're gonna name the truth, and then finally name that next step. So an example would be, I'm just a yelling mom, but the truth in that is, one, you have to take responsibility. So yes, I did yell, but that doesn't mean that is all I am alright?. You are a daughter of God, imperfect, but made perfect and holy because of Jesus, and that is rooting that confidence in him, knowing that. When you make a mistake, it is a human error. And the best news is that we don't have to be perfect because Jesus has already fulfilled that For us, our responsibility now is to walk in obedience, to surrender and to. Sit at his feet as followers of Christ so that we can receive and renew our mind daily. All right. The goal is to stop letting a moment become an anchor that keeps you stuck. So we've just talked about desire and doubt, and now we are gonna be moving into the work. And by the way, I have to say that as I'm talking about this growth cycle, they all happen simultaneously. because this is where the meat and potatoes are. This is where you start taking those small steps. You start making those habits and those small pivots. And the hard part is you usually can't see the progress in this phase because the progress is so small, it just doesn't feel like anything has happened. And so as a perfectionist mom, when you're doing all the work, you end up discounting the work itself because it doesn't feel like it's enough because it's not perfect. The comparison mom would think, you know, she's doing all this work, but then she keeps changing because. She's looking at what her mom friends are doing instead of trying to stay consistent in building that change that is within her lifestyle. The past dweller, her mom doesn't realize that she's so focused on what she used to do wrong. And then she doesn't end up recognizing what she's actually doing right now and the changes that has happened since. So a good way to pivot out of this phase is to think about how you don't actually need evidence or think about how you don't need your feelings. Not that. It's not important because our feelings are important, but what we actually need is evidence. So what I want you to do is pick one place. It could be in your note section, in your phone, or maybe it is a journal that you write in daily and just have one entry date that entry. And write the question, what is one small win? I noticed today. Maybe it's, you know, I paused before I reacted and we ended up having a wonderful learning moment. An example for me would've been when my daughter put a hot pan on a plastic plate and it melted. My immediate reaction was to become annoyed, and I really wanted to yell. But I'd also realized too in that split second, because I. Didn't react the way that she thought I was going to react. It opened the door for us to have a conversation and it became an entire learning moment that not just her, but my other two children got involved in as well. So that was actually really cool to see unfold before my eyes. When you have these journal entries, you're not only writing down your wins, but you're dating them to see how the progression has. Happened. And the more that you do this, the more consistent you're going to physically see that these small changes that you're making is making a difference. And that is the key. Okay. And so that's the work, of course, it's always gonna be continuous. And then there's the comeback phase. That is where you've had a rough day, or maybe it's a rough week and you ended up snapping, or you became irritated and you feel like, wow, you know, I'm back at square one. And in this moment as a perfectionist mom, you would feel like you're failing. So you just go straight into continuing to label yourself as whatever it is that comes to your mind. The comparison, mom would feel like it's proof that she is behind, and so she just really wants to quit this journey that she's on the past dweller mom. Well, when this happens, she feels like it's confirmation that the past is still who she is. And so how this actually works is yes, you're gonna have setbacks. And these setbacks are going to test you on whether or not you have the endurance, the mental endurance, the heart endurance to continue and to not give up. And that's why this phase is the comeback because it is a setback, but you're not on square one or day one. Again, you are starting from a place of having built habits and having built an awareness of how you react. So therefore you're not really at square one. You're just having a small setback and that's where the comeback comes and to play. So how can you pivot in this phase? I would encourage you to get curious. I mean, honestly, ask yourself what is it that I am needing right now? What is it that I am believing? What is it that I'm afraid of right now? And what am I trying to control right now? And then take it to God fast. And by the way, you don't have to have all the answer. You don't even have to answer all of these questions. But which one of these is sticking out to you the most? And so when you go to God, you don't have to have all the answer. You can sit in silence with it and work through it mentally and even spiritually, because the point is not to have everything fixed before you go to God. The point is to take it and sit at the feet of Jesus with it and offer it up to him, because the comeback is not proof that you've lost all of your progress. Okay. It really is just proof that you're human, which you are, and you're tired and you're under pressure. So all of it makes sense. And all of this is a process. And then the last phase that I'm gonna be talking about is the lasting growth. Now, when we think about lasting growth, we think about never struggling again. But as I said earlier, this is not about never struggling again. It's about how are we going to come back from any setbacks that we have? How are we going to accept the invitation through this desire to want to change? And this is where mom guilt can still come in waves, but it doesn't take you down the same way that it used to. As a matter of fact, you know that and you can see it in the way that you're acting and the way that you're thinking and what you're saying. All of that, mama, that is progress and that is a huge win because progress looks like, you know, you still get triggered from time to time, meaning you still get upset. Certain things still trigger you to get upset, but you don't drown yourself in it. It could also look like you realizing that, Hey, you know what? I am still a mess, but I still come back faster. Or maybe you think, yeah, you know, I still struggle, but you don't stay in that struggle. You don't continue to label yourself and let that cycle continue to make you feel stuck or make you feel like you're not enough. And I really love this because it reminds me of Ephesians chapter three, verse 20, where he says, God can do immeasurably more than all that we ask or imagine. And I know that you have this vision of the mom that you want to be, but God has more for you even than that. And that is such a beautiful gift because we think that what we want is our desire, like that's gonna make us feel so much better. But the outcome when you look back on your results is that that gift was so much more. So much more than you could have ever imagined. It opened opportunities for you, not only in a relationship with your kids and your husband, but also in your business. I mean, imagine not feeling like you're being pulled to different directions. Imagine you showing up in each one of those, being fully aware and fully aligned so that you don't feel like you're choosing between two good things. Yes, you heard me right. Those are two good things in your mind, especially when mom guilt is incredibly loud and noisy in your world right now, it makes you think that you're choosing between two bad things, but that is not true at all. And so if you take nothing else from this episode, I want you to remember that no matter your guilt type, the growth path. Usually looks like this, and it's all flowing within each other. All right? There's that desire to want to change. Of course, doubt's gonna come in and try to shake you up a little bit, but through the work, even when you have setbacks, you're gonna have a comeback, and that is lasting growth, alright? The difference is where you get stuck and how quickly you come back. Remember that a reset is not a restart, and we're really just setting now and then making adjustments. All right. You are not behind in the process and I know that you are becoming the mom you want to be, and it's not always easy, but you can do hard things. Thanks for hanging out with me today, mama. If this episode helped you in any way, would you do me a favor and please share it with a fellow mom that could also benefit from this episode. Until then, I'll see you next Wednesday, right here on this podcast. Go in peace.