160 | Mom Guilt When You Work: “Bad Mom” Thoughts & Truth

Hey Mama!

You’re in the kitchen with your laptop open, one kid needs a snack, another is telling you a story, and your brain is still on that client message you haven’t answered. You close the computer… and immediately feel guilty. You open it back up… and still feel guilty.

Because somehow it turns into this split feeling: work = “bad mom,” family time = “behind.” And it starts to feel like a no-win situation, even when you’re doing good things.

This is where mom guilt keeps you stuck: split thinking. Like your life has to live in separate boxes—Christian mom over here, entrepreneur over there—and you’re failing if you can’t do both perfectly at the same time.

Here’s the relief you’ve been craving:

• How to spot the hidden belief driving your pressure (capacity + expectations) and why it keeps mom guilt loud 
• The Woven Life™ Lens reframe for business owners so you can stop choosing between mom and work all day long 
• A simple rhythm to practice this week: presence when you can, structure when you must, and grace in both

If you’ve felt this pattern in other parts of motherhood too, you’re not crazy, this is how it spreads.

This episode will help you feel steady again as a Christian mom and business owner without living divided.

Episode Mentioned:

152 | Mom Guilt And The Pressure To Stay 'On Track'

More FREE Resources:

Take The Quiz: Break Through Mom Guilt Quiz

Become a Restored Mind Mama: Sign Up Here

FREE Community:  Break Free From Mom Guilt

Instagram: @_restoredmind

Email: carolinethao@restoredmindllc.com

Leave A Review On Apple Podcast

It's time to become to the mom you want to be. You can do hard things!
"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me"- Philippians 4:13

Transcript

0:00

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you're failing someone? Like when you work, you're a bad mom, and when you're with your kids, you feel behind. But what if your life isn't split? What if it's woven? Don't miss today's conversation because if you do, you'll keep living like you're failing no matter what you choose. Welcome to the Restored Mind. Biblical wisdom, simple steps. No more mom guilt. I'm Caroline Tao. Let's do this. If you're tired of feeling split, like you can't fully be present or fully focused without the guilt, the Mom Guilt Breakthrough Quiz will help you see the pattern that's keeping you there. The link is in the show notes. All right. Welcome back, mamas. I'm so excited to have you here today. You know, lately I've been in conversation, of course, in my coaching program and just in conversations with mom who have businesses, and there's this topic that is floating around. It's feeling split between spending time with her family and working in her business because her office is in her home, and the line just gets blurred between mom hours and work hours. So if you're a mom building an online business, you've probably felt the same tension. I have been there too. And when you're working, you feel like you're failing your kids. And then when you're with your kids, you feel like you're behind in your business. So today I'm gonna answer the top three questions that I get surrounding this topic. But before I do that, I wanna talk about what a woven life looks like because I mentioned it earlier on in the very beginning of this episode. A lot of moms believe that they have to separate their lives into different boxes where mom life is in one, business is in the other, and then of course, her hobbies and whatever else is in the rest. But really, your life is woven together to create one meaningful life, meaning everything you do bleeds into the other. So for example, anchoring into your faith bleeds into how you move in your business, in your motherhood, and in other hobbies. And so I drew inspiration with the woven lens thinking about Jesus's tunic, because it's such a vivid picture to me. Jesus's tunic is woven in one piece. And when they were casting his items out for bid when he was arrested, they did not tear his tunic. They noticed that it was woven in one piece and saw value in that. And I think many of us live our life like it has to be torn into pieces, but there is value in having a unified, meaningful life. And I think about scripture as well, and I want you to think about your faith journey and when you read the Bible, how it connects to you. It's like a needle and thread being woven as you're in the Word of God and reading His true and trustworthy words, and you're reading something, and then it just hits you. and you, you just see the unity in God's message because it all points us back to Jesus, who then points us back to the love of God. So basically, what I'm trying to say is a woven life means God doesn't give you two separate lives where it's mom over here and business over there. And guilt multiplies when you live like it's separate. So today I'm gonna answer these questions through one lens, because you're not living two lives, you're living one woven life. Each question is really a different way that split thinking shows up. And so the first question is: What do I do when I feel like I'm failing in one area of life, no matter where I put my attention? And you know, with this, I have to say the struggle is real with me and the moms in my world.- Because it feels like it's a no-win situation. If I focus on my kids, then I'm behind on my work, and if I work, I feel like I'm a bad mom. And that split feeling is exhausting. It's also incredibly taxing on us mentally and emotionally, but it's also the fastest way that mom guilt multiplies. So this happens when you are in the mindset of trying to live a woven life with separate boxes. Like, you know that you have this vision of this life, and when you think about being a mom and running your business, it is pictured as one cohesive life. But the way that you're moving in it creates these separate boxes. so I challenge you to think about what is the actual hidden belief that you believe is making you feel like you're failing no matter which one you choose? For me, it was if I could just get one area of my life perfect, then I would finally feel at peace. But the real problem is often capacity. So my real life limits plus expectations. What I thought I should be able to do. And so I'm gonna ask you those same questions. What is the real problem? What are your real life limits? And what do you think you should be able to do? Because with the woven life reframing on this question, it's not that you're failing at two lives because you're learning how to steward one life with real limits, and that's how you begin to blend this together. Because the goal is not to be perfect in every area. It's really to live faithfully in the moment. And so I want you to think rhythms and not these rigid routines. I'll link an episode on that in the show notes'cause I talked about it, but here's the woven life lens. You're not constantly choosing between mom and work. You're choosing what faithfulness looks like right now. So sometimes that means pausing for five minutes because your kid is incredibly chatty in the morning, and instead of rushing off to do work, God's inviting you to be present in the conversation But other times It could mean that you are going to set a timer, and you're going to let your kids know that you love them, and you're gonna work until the timer goes off because, you know, you've got a deadline for your next coaching program, or maybe there's an enrollment that's happening or you're launching something, and that's what you need to focus on in the next twenty minutes or in the next hour. Because a woven life is really about presence when you can, structure when you must, and grace in both. All right? And so question number two is: how do I pursue my business without feeling like I'm choosing it over my kids? This guilt is incredibly common for work from home moms who run an online business because your office is in your home. There is no commuting to give you that mental break, so the lines get blurred between mom life and work hours. And I get it, because sometimes I'll be working, and my kids will just come in and out of my office even when I'm trying to focus. So even when you're doing something good, the guilt can still linger, and it starts to whisper that you're being selfish. And if you are in a launch, for example, or you're carrying your clients' needs in your head, like,"I need to send them their notes for the day," that pressure can make you feel emotionally unavailable at home. So when your child comes into the room and they're trying to share something with you, and you're just mindlessly acknowledging that they're talking, but not really engaging in that conversation, that's what I mean by being emotionally unavailable. And the lie with this split thinking is,"If I'm a good mom, I won't want anything outside motherhood." But there's the unspoken fear in that, and it's the thinking that your kids will remember you working more than they remember you spending time with them. But either way, pressure builds up, and... guilt can either make you hide your ambition or overwork to prove that it's worth it Like, you can only be a good mom or a faithful business owner, but not both at the same time. But we know that's a lie because in the woven life mindset, you're not choosing business over your kids, you're choosing what kind of mom you'll be while you serve and build. Pursuing your business is not competing with motherhood, it's how you pursue it that determines whether it produces peace or pressure. And that just kind of goes back to my example where sometimes faithfulness looks like, closing your laptop and being fully present," so accepting that invitation that God's given you to be fully present at bedtime. Or maybe it's accepting the invitation to work on those client notes in the next twenty minutes, and then giving all of your attention to your kids. It's, again, presence when you can, structure when you must, and grace in both of them because you do truly need grace in your business and in motherhood. The goal is not to continue to separate them or have these small separate wins. The goal is to bring them together to create this one meaningful life because at the end of the day, you are one person, You're not two separate people trying to make this work. And you know, really, I think about Proverbs sixty-three. It says,"Commit your work to the Lord, and your plans will be established." And when we think about work, we think about the work that we do with our hands. But it's not just that, it's the work that's happening in our heart, in our mind, being renewed in our mind daily, and the intention that we've set this work for. So it's about adjusting to align your heart with His. So you're not working to prove that you are enough. You're working from a place of love, and you're saying to yourself,"You know, I can be fully present with my kids and faithful in my work." Why? Because God is not asking you to live your life divided I believe He loves unity. I think about the body of Christ, but on a micro level, He would not want you to live your life separately. There is value in having that one meaningful life. And then the last question for today is: Is it selfish to want to grow my business as a Christian mom? I saved this question for last because it's one that I resonated with a lot, and I wrestled with it for many years. In a couple episodes back, I also talked about being a serial dreamer, how I dreamt of being a teacher and a makeup artist and a boutique owner and all of the things, but none of it came to fruition because I didn't know where to start, honestly. But even more so when I became a mom because I felt incredibly blessed that I was in a position to where I could stay home with my kids. And to have this ambition to build my own business felt like I was not being appreciative of what I do have, and I know that if you've ever thought this, you're not alone. Because motherhood, it really is a gift, and it can feel confusing when you also feel pulled to build something outside of it. And we think,"You know, I am being ungrateful if I pursue something other than being a mom." But sometimes we find it hard to admit that we want to do something more as well. For a long time, these dreams that I had of owning my own business, that was kept really close to my heart, so I didn't share a lot of it with many people. So yeah, it was hard for me to admit that I wanted something more, and the guilt voice accused me of being selfish. Like, how dare you want to do something more when you're struggling with your kids? It made me think, am I just going to leave them? Am I choosing my kids over my business or am I choosing my business over my kids? And that was split thinking. Because it makes you think you either have to be a good mom or a woman with a purpose, but you can't do both. And if that resonated with you, mama, keep listening because the truth is we are not guaranteed tomorrow. I know that sounds incredibly morbid, but it is so true. So while you have your kids with you, I would encourage you to build and include them. All right. This doesn't have to be a rushed job because the goal in your business, and I know that you know this too, because if it's really tugging at you to start this business, it's not that you want to slap things together and present it. You want to be intentional. You want to steward the gifts that you have and you want to do it with a renewed mind. So this isn't just something that you're going to rush, You want to be intentional with it. And as I keep thinking about how mom guilt has deeply rooted itself in my life, I saw how much it was holding me back. And so I don't want the same for you. That's why I'm talking about it today. So if you don't catch anything else from today's episode, I want you to remember that woven life, business growth does not mean you're leaving your family. It really means you're building a way that stays submitted to God. It honors the season that you're in with your kids and it includes your family when it is wise to do so. An example I can give you is my two girls. They love being in the office, especially when I'm in the office. But it gets so messy in here because when they're in here, The arts and crafts are everywhere, especially when I'm working. They're drawing, painting, coloring, making up stories and whatever else. And so that's background noise for me, which is fine. They love being where I'm at. And my initial thought used to be, I need the office space all to myself. But the reality is, even when I'm not in conversation with them, they feel closer to me by literally being closer to me. And that to them is something that makes them feel connected to me. Now, my son, he loves to not do that with us. He is not a crafty person. But he's a logistical guy. So he loves to brainstorm ideas with me, to give me his input. And most of the time it will spark new ideas that I either add to my projects book or I'll go ahead and implement in the podcast, which I know I don't give him a lot of credit for, but he really does help me with the logistics of it. And the thing is, he's eleven years old, and it blows my mind how much my kids want to be involved in my business. So that's why I'm saying that your growth does not mean that you're leaving your family. It just means that you're building it in a way that's submitted to God. And also it's just honoring the season because who knows, maybe in a couple of years they won't want to be as involved as they are now with the smaller things. You know, what if they just lose interest? So I don't want to take that for granted. And that is what a woven life looks like. All right. So how can you do this? Well, there's three main things that I want you to focus on. First, spend the first couple of minutes before you begin working in prayer. Now, I have to admit, there have been times where I did not do this, and I felt incredibly confused and almost like I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Imposter syndrome sets in. There's some doubt that creeps in. But when I do do this, I notice an immense amount of difference because my mood resets. I renew my mind daily by being in his Word, by sitting at the feet of Jesus and just allowing his presence to engulf me. And it gives me this sense of peace and calm, especially on days where I feel pressured, and so I encourage you to spend the first couple of minutes before you begin working in prayer. And the second one is to revisit your intentions often so that you don't drift into selfish ambition. Because honestly, even when you're not purposely trying to, it can creep up on you. It shows up in times where you compare your stats, and you start to feel like you're not doing enough or you're not doing as well as you wanted to. and then it shows up when changes in your business are just taking longer than expected to be completed. So you start feeling that panic and you begin rushing to get things done. And so it feels like it's incredibly heavy. There's this pressure that's on you to get it done. And finally it shows up when you stop enjoying your kids because your brain is still at work, even when your laptop is closed. And that, my friend, I am so incredibly guilty of. I will sit with them and still research things because I hadn't fully let go of that work yet. And that was driven out of selfish ambition, at least for me. And I'm not saying that you are running your business with selfish ambition or selfish intent, but if we don't revisit our intentions, we can drift into that because we have to also ask ourselves, which is the last step is really to ask yourself, am I building to prove something or to serve? Am I hiding from my family in my work or inviting them into the life that we're building? Because even though you are the main person that's driving your business, God is your CEO, first of all, but Your family is still coming along with you for the ride. They're there with you in the highs and in the lows, even when they don't know it or even when you can't recognize it, all right? And then finally ask, am I chasing validation or am I pursuing God's heart in my business? And the bottom line is wanting to grow is not selfish, all right, mama? It becomes unhealthy when the pressure makes you strive to rush and disconnect from your family. But when you keep bringing it back to God, it becomes stewardship, all right? So I hope that that's given you some encouragement today as you go on about your day with your family or in your business. And I hope that it just quiets the voice of mom guilt for you because I know what that is like. I know how much mom guilt can suffocate you. And how much damage mom guilt can do in your motherhood journey. And it bleeds into everything else. That split feeling is exhausting. Like no matter where you put your intention, you're just letting someone down. And if you've been carrying guilt on both sides, whether it be at home in your family or in your work, I just want you to breathe for a second because you're not alone, all right? You're not living two competing lives. You're living one meaningful life, and you are becoming the mom that you want to be. So yes, I know that it can be incredibly hard to live this woven life, but you can do hard things Thanks for hanging out with me today, mama. If this episode helped you in any way, would you do me a favor and please share it with a fellow mom that could also benefit from this episode. Until then, I'll see you next Wednesday, right here on this podcast. Go in peace.