Let me guess. You've been told directly or indirectly that you are too much, you are too loud, you are too intense, too emotional. Uh, so you did what most women do. You try to tone it down, make it more palatable, wrap your truth in softness, shrink a little. Laugh it off, right? And this is my favorite. Use emojis to soften your boundaries. And then maybe just maybe if you made yourself a little easier to love, you wouldn't get rejected So much. Sound familiar? Welcome to, it Was Never About the food. The podcast where we go deeper than diets discipline or self-help fluff. I am Rob, and I'm not here to tell you what to eat. I'm here to help you understand why you became who you became whilst you were trying to survive. Because underneath every binge, every spiral, every breakdown is a story. And I want to help you rewrite it.'cause the truth is, it was never about the food. So here's the thing, the mask works. Right. It works. It serves a purpose. Uh, nobody sets out to, um, diminish who they are deliberately, right? Um, people will like you more when you're agreeable. They will stay more comfortable when you don't challenge them, and you'll rock the boat a little less when. When you play small, but here, here's what else happens, is that you fucking lose yourself. Now, part of you might kind of say, yeah, well I'm not really like worth loving anyway. I've gotta be different. I've gotta be better. But how? How can you say, how can you know? Because the chances are you've been wearing this mask since you were about five. So if you don't know who the fuck you are, what exactly are you comparing all of this to? Every single time you dilute your truth just to be accepted. You are reinforcing the belief that the real you is unlovable. So if you've been doing that every fucking second of every day, of every month, of every year since you were five, that that's a pretty well. Reinforced belief then, and it's quite clear. Clear that we, we won't even know who the real you is anymore, and that creates a life that looks peaceful on the outside. Right. How many times have you heard or, or have you felt that everyone will see you as the strong one? They'll assume that everything is perfect with you, but on the inside you're anxious. Disconnected and constantly self-monitoring. So let's get honest. Okay. The reason you are still managing everyone's perception of you. Is because rejection still terrifies you now. That's okay, right? You're human. Um, we're built for connection. Um, I hate this dichotomous view where it's like, let's not give a fuck about anything. Like of course we are like, you're human, you're not a robot. So I get it. Um, but it's different with you. It it's not, it's not that human level. Of, uh, fear of rejection. It, it's gotten to the point where it's so palpable. You, you literally don't know who you are anymore, and if we're always gonna go a little bit deeper, rejection used to mean abandonment probably from the people that were not supposed to abandon you. So the unconscious conclusion that you make then as a child. Is, well, if I can't be loved by these guys, what chance do I stand with people that don't owe me a thing? Right? The, the loss, the shame. And as a child, there is no difference between emotional danger and actual danger. So that emotional danger kind of sets you up for, for. A constant fear of rejection, the entirety of your life because you then don't feel safe in your body. So of course your system is wired to avoid it, like it makes perfect sense. But what have I told you, that putting yourself in the firing line of rejection on purpose is the exact thing that sets you free. Terrifying. I know, uh, certain things have to be done in baby steps, but in the end, like, I know this sounds super tastic of me, but choose your heart. Like what you're doing right now is hard. You've just gotten used to it. That's all. So hear me when I say this. You do not find peace by being liked. You find peace by being real. You can find temporary peace by being liked, but that's just instant gratification. That's just food wrapped up in people pleasing. So if you're gonna be real, yes, you might lose people. Yes. Some people might pull away when you stop performing, and this happens with our clients all the time when we, um. When we first enforce boundaries, uh, well, not only is it scary, the people around our clients are like, they don't like it because guess what? They, the people around said client inadvertently probably have always used them as like their safety net. So when. The client actually prioritizes themself in a kind, compassionate way, right? We're not saying we don't turn them into assholes. The so-called friends, they don't know what to do with it. So yes, some people might pull away when you're not wearing that mask anymore, but what's left, right? What's left? Then your people, your tribe. The ones who love you without the mask, there will be, they will be there, they will. And when you experience that kind of acceptance, you will never go back. I promise you. Uh, that sense of freedom is, um, dare I say it, addictive because it's not conditional then. It is not fragile. What you're doing right now is so, is so fragile. You're, you're constantly hypervigilant having to protect it all the time. It's not based on you staying quiet or being agreeable. It's based on you being you. That's real safety, like really feel into everything I've said there. That, that's real safety. It's kind of like, what would a good analogy be? It's kind of like right now you are, you're walking on glass and it's gonna, it's gonna shatter at some point. So let, let's reframe this right now. You are not too much. You've just spent your life around people who are not emotionally available enough to handle you. So if that kind of hits a nerve, if you think back now to, whether it's in recent times or childhood where. You were told to sit in a corner, um, for just expressing your anger or your emotions as a child. The message that you were left with was that you were too much. But the reality is those people around you, they were too limited. I saw, um, I was watching a podcast the other day and there was, I would say a relatively old fashioned fashioned gentleman on there. And he was, um, justifying, um, spanking and he just couldn't hear the irony in his words. You know, he was talking about spanking and. How he would, if any of his kids, um, let's say was aggressive with another kid, he would spank them for it. So, so he would, as the role model, remember, kids don't care about what we say. They care about what we do and who we are, especially our own kids. So. To prevent them from being aggressive. He would teach them a lesson by being aggressive. So the reality is, is that pretty much anyone listening to this, the generation above you, will have come from a generation where, um, emotions were not really tolerated. So, and to a certain extent we can understand that, right? Whether it's the generation above us or the generation above that they were victims of war in some way. I think pretty much anybody listening to this will, will resonate with that. The reality is, is that legitimately there were not time for emotions then, and it trickles down and we are left with the, um, the residue of that. So if we're trying to reframe this, your intensity, it's actually your superpower, your voice, that's your medicine, your depth, that's where your leadership lives, but it only gets unlocked. When you stop abandoning yourself for the sake of, well, ironically, peace.'cause it isn't peace. Trying to keep the harmony. So let me ask you something right now. Where are you shrinking? Where are you still kind of shape shifting to avoid being too much? Is it at home? Is it with your partner? The big one is the office place, right? Even in your friendship group, where are you waiting to be fully accepted before you show the full you? That's the trap, the answer to that question, the trap's in there somewhere. You're trying to secure belonging without risk. And again, that makes sense, but it's gonna, it's gonna keep you from really understanding who you actually are. Choose your heart, because here's the truth, rejection is the price of authenticity. Rejection is the price of authenticity. It's the price you have to pay. But regret is the price of self abandonment Sometimes when I'm onboarding people into our program and they are, they terrified. Fear of failure mostly. Why should this time be any different? Right? And. Actually, it's not about whether the program is perfect for them. That's not what this decision is about. It's about whether you're abandoning yourself or not. So if you're gonna cast yourself forward,'cause we're all gonna be on our deathbed one day, every one of us, we just don't think about it enough. We live in a state of denial about it, but we are. So when you're on that deathbed, you will have chosen one of those two paths. You will have been authentic with the price of rejection, or you will have abandoned yourself with the price of regret. There is no in between. And also there is no perfect answer either, but you've gotta choose, and only one of those is survivable. In my bitter experience, there was a time when, uh, even I couldn't handle myself. Um, I don't think I, like, I talk a big game, right? But I didn't really find out who the hell I was till I was af, you know, until after my rock bottom almost killing myself with alcohol. And, you know, around 30 years old, I when, when the emotions, the cravings, the self-loathing, they just felt like they were eating me alive. And I didn't need more control. I needed to stop pretending that I wasn't in pain. I remember my mum asked me, um, during recovery, she said, are you depressed? And I like, in this, this snort of derision. I was kind of like, no, I probably was. Um, it's just, I'd worn that mask for so long. I, I, I, I just thought that's how life was supposed to be. And when I finally started showing that version of me, the, the vulnerable one, the unfiltered one, the angry one, um, dare I say it, the overwhelmed one. That's when everything changed. Then. Because even though I was facing the overwhelm and I was expressing the anger, guess what? At nighttime I could put my head on the pillow and fall asleep. That's when everything changed, not because people rushed into to fix all of that vulnerability and anger and you know, emotional gunk, but because the people who stayed, they were real. I. They saw the mess and they didn't flinch, and that more than anything gave me permission to stop flinching at myself. Sometimes you need a bit of that. I think, again, people like myself talk a big game about how. How hard we work through recovery. Um, but just to be real, timing is a big part of this in my experience. Like, yes, I worked extremely hard, but if I didn't meet Jess when I met her, I, I don't know if I would be here having this conversation with you right now. Like, seriously. Um, I hadn't particularly decided, like I'm big on deciding, right? I, I always talk about all that matters is deciding. Once you decide everything downstream of that will fall into place. I hadn't even really decided, I just met this girl that I really liked and in a borderline nonchalant way, I was kind of like, Hmm, let's see how this goes. And that timing was lifesaving. For me, and then I had to be strong in recovery on the side of that also. So when people around you see the mess and they don't flinch, you know, use it. So if you are sitting here thinking, but I don't wanna lose people, ask yourself the following. What part of you are you willing to lose? Just to keep them? Because let's, let's look at your history. They've been a part of your life up until this point, right? In the way that you've composed yourself, right? How's everything working out for you? It's all is already hard. Make it easier. The truth is you've already been losing parts of yourself for years, and if you're listening to this, I think you are done. You're not looking for approval, you're looking for alignment. It's just very well hidden is all, and you don't get that by. Editing yourself. You get that by letting the, the full, messy, untamed wild version of you speak, even if she's too much, quote unquote, even if she triggers people, even if it makes the room uncomfortable. Because the room that can't hold you, it was never your room to begin with, man, if the room can't hold you, it was never your room to begin with. So if this episode is hits somewhere real in you, if you are tired of being agreeable and finally ready to be yourself again. Message me on Instagram with the Word podcast and let me know what part of you you've been hiding and what version of you is finally ready to be seen. I um, because once you stop pretending there, there is no going back then. And, and that version of you, she's about to meet the people who've been waiting for her all along, like the real her. This is, it was never about the food, and this episode wasn't about being liked, it was about being free. So I'll see you next week and remember if you feel like you are too much. You are probably right. You've just been hiding from the people who can handle all of you.