PepTalk
Everybody needs a cheerleader...somebody in their corner hyping them up to perform their best. That's me. Everybody also needs a Coach...somebody in their corner giving them tips to tap into all of their potential so that they can make the most of their life! That's also me! This podcast is where those two elements converge and I speak to you about ways to work hard, pray harder, believe better, and live life to the fullest in every single way on every single day! It's time to level up, elevate, and slay the day! Have you had your pep talk yet?
PepTalk
Choosing Intentional Manhood Pt 2: Embracing Transformative Male Friendships
Have you ever wondered what it means to truly embody intentional manhood and how our male friendships shape that journey? Step into the locker room of vulnerability with Coach J, as we dissect the stereotype-shattering world of deep male connections. This week, we're stripping away the bravado to reveal the scaffolding of support that every man needs, examining the power of genuine male friendships and the role they play in personal and communal growth.
From the pervasive shadows of toxic masculinity to the harsh truth behind the 'lone wolf' myth, we're laying everything on the table—no holds barred. We uncover the societal shifts that have caused a "friendship recession" among men. We're peeling back the layers of stoicism, challenging the stigma around male vulnerability, and proving that robust bonds between men are not only possible but essential for a well-rounded life.
Get ready to arm yourself with practical strategies for nurturing the kind of friendships that go beyond a shared love for sports or a pint at the pub. We're talking about the kind of profound connections that involve asking the tough questions and showing up consistently—even when it's uncomfortable. Join us as we redefine masculinity, one candid conversation at a time. Because here, it's all about embracing the collective strength of brotherhood, and together, we're setting a new standard for the next generation of men.
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I have a question why don't men have friends? Seriously, let's talk about it. Listen more on today's episode of the pep talk podcast, but first I have a question for you. Have you had your dose of pep today? No, don't worry, I've got you. Now let's get into it.
Speaker 1:Welcome to the pep talk podcast, the podcast that cheers you on and coaches you up. My name is coach Jay and I am your host, and it is a privilege, a pleasure and an honor to be here with you this week as we continue our series on choosing intentional manhood. That's right. We're doing a series that is specifically geared toward men and the people who love them. So if you are a man who's listening I'm glad you're here Share this with other brothers. If you have a husband, a son, a brother, a cousin, an uncle, if you know a man and love a man, I would ask that you would listen to this episode, but also that you would share it with the men in your life, because I am convinced that we need material that is specifically geared toward us, that will help us to become the man that we're supposed to be, and this whole idea of intentional manhood is something that has been on my heart for over a year y'all, and I believe that we have a choice to make every morning when we wake up, that we are going to choose to be the best man that we can, not just for ourselves, but for the people in our lives my wife and my children, my sons and my daughters, my nieces and nephews. They deserve to have me present the best, healthiest portrayal of manhood and masculinity that is possible.
Speaker 1:And I know that out in the media sphere there is a whole lot of talk about toxic masculinity, and I want to come. I want to. I don't want to downgrade or down talk this whole idea of toxic masculinity, because it does exist, but I would also like to present or represent what healthy manhood looks like, and I want to do that in a way that encourages you, my brothers, that encourages you to take control of the narrative and say that where toxic masculinity might exist, it doesn't exist here, it's not in my heart, it's not in my actions, it's not in my behaviors, it's not in the way that I think, and I think the way to do that is to have open and honest conversations about what true, intentional, healthy, positive masculinity looks like, and how, when we're better men, how when we are better. Things are better in our communities, things are better in our homes, things are better in our workplaces, and I believe that, with the women continuing to stand up, continuing to elevate, continuing to create spaces where they can be comfortable being themselves and supporting themselves in the spirit of sisterhood, I think we need to be about the business of doing the same thing, and so that's why we are doing this series.
Speaker 1:So, if you are a first time listener to the podcast, welcome. I'm so glad that you're here with us. I'm so glad that you are choosing to invest in yourselves and the poor into yourselves. I think that is the utmost importance. If you have been rocking and rolling with us and I'm so glad that you're here with us as well you'll continue to leave those reviews and those ratings on Apple podcast route. Continue to hit the subscribe button on YouTube. Continue to share this, this podcast, with your friends, with your families, with your family, with your friend and me's. Continue to share, all right, because we're all about the mission of helping you to understand that, while you're great as you are, there's a deeper depth that you can dig, there's a higher height for you to aspire to, and that, as long as we're all doing that in conjunction with one another, then we're going to make an impact. It's not about the number of listens excuse me, listens that the podcast has, but it's about the impact that we're having. One listener at a time, one download at a time, and you know it's important to me, like my core values we talked about core values last week are to inspire, to motivate and to encourage, and that is one of this is one of my ways of doing that week by week, by coming to you every week with the pep talk podcast, and so I want to go ahead and jump into the topic for this week, but first I want to give a recap A last week's episode.
Speaker 1:We talked about the importance of self-awareness, how, if we're going to choose to be intentional men, if we're going to be intentional about our manhood and present the best possible face of manhood to the world because here's somebody didn't say last week, but it's important to understand how you present manhood to the people that you encounter today might be the only definition of manhood that they get and I'm talking about from boys to young women to adult women, to other adult men how you present manhood guys might be the only it might be the only definition of manhood that somebody gets in their lives from what they see you do today. That's why it's important that we are about the process of leveling up our manhood, and so we talked about self-awareness and self-reflection last week, how important it is that we know ourselves, how we don't hide from the bad but only hype up the good, how we are always about the business of conducting self-audits so that we know what's happening on the inside of us. Because what happens so often in my life, and as well as in your lives, guys, is that we want to hype up and present the best possible version of our hypest greatest self, while knowing on the inside of us that everything that we're presenting outside, all that glitters, is not gold, like we have some lumps of coal in our hearts, we have some lumps of coal in our heads, and those are the things that keep us from being our best possible self. So if we're about the business of being aware of who we are, of what's going on in our hearts and in our heads at all possible times, then it allows us to be the best possible version of ourselves, which we deserve, but those around us deserve to have that as well. And so today we want to talk about this whole idea of friendships because, in the research that I presented to you earlier, the status of friendships among men it's in danger, and I want to explore today of why. That is why men need friendships and how we can go about developing those intimate relationships with other men that studies have shown that any psychologist and psychiatrist will tell you. Men, we need them. We see women having them. We see women within the bonds of sisterhood, forming these connections that are allowing them to grow and to get better. But why aren't men doing that? So that's what we're talking about in this episode. So get ready, because we're really about to dig into it, because I think that this is the work, this is the conversation that we need to have.
Speaker 1:There was a song that said friends. How many others have them? How many of us really do have the kind of friendships that are challenging us but are also growing us? And as I thought about this, this topic, I thought about my own life, and something that I've always said about friendships in my life is that I may not have a lot, but it's not about quantity, it's about quality, and for a lot of my life. I think that's been kind of a defense mechanism. So I'm going to start with me. Any change, if it's up to be, it has to start with me and we should be the change that we want to see in the world.
Speaker 1:I remember growing up I prided myself in having a single friend in every grade that was like my best friend. I self-proclaimed introvert, now a burgeoning ambivert as I've gotten older. But it was hard for me to make friendships because I wasn't all about sports, I was about the arts. So I was about the writing poetry. As a matter of fact, in high school I remember being teased for writing poetry. They called me poetic Justin because poetic justice had just come out. They called me poetic Justin and the sensitive soul that I was, I would cry about it. And so because I wasn't in the athletic sphere, I wasn't crazy about any particular sport. I could play them, but I wasn't crazy about them. They weren't how I defined myself. I wasn't going to go to school for sports.
Speaker 1:So for a lot of my young life, parts of me felt alienated and isolated from what the typical man, manhood, masculinity, definition was, because I wasn't really able to identify with the manhood on a sports level. Now I could watch, I could keep up with the NBA because that's my favorite sport by reading the newspaper or by reading articles, and I could talk about it, but it wasn't the thing that set my heart on fire. What really set my heart on fire was depth of conversation, was being transparent with my emotions and being vulnerable. Those have been enduring qualities about myself that I've known since a young age. Those are the ways that I connect it. However, I learned to play a role in order to fit in. So if girls are the topic, oh yeah, she's fine dog. Oh yeah, I'd love to hang out with her.
Speaker 1:In the conversations that we were having as young men when I was in high school and growing up, it was about conquests. It was about how many girls you had, how many phone numbers you had, how many dates you were going on, how many women you were hooking up with, and I say this understanding. My daughter's going to hear this, but she needs to hear it right, because that's what was going on in the male psyche as I was growing up. But an interesting thing happened as I got married and, yeah, as I got married, and those college friendships began to regrettably fall by the wayside. We would keep up on Facebook but we weren't calling one another, we weren't hey, let's go hang out. And I've noticed that as I got married and began focusing on starting a family and starting a career, that it didn't have a lot of those friendships.
Speaker 1:I had my boy, my boy Trey Brown. I'm going to give Trey a shout out we. So I met Trey when my wife and I were talking about, you know, we'd gotten engaged and I joined her church and I just met Trey on a Sunday and for some reason he and I bonded immediately and I immediately asked him to be my best man. Didn't know him from Adam, but I immediately asked him to be my best man because I felt, I felt a kinship with him. And Trey and I are still friends to this day. So my wife and I have been married 20, almost 21 years. So I would say Trey and I have been really good friends. We've been brothers. We've been brothers since for about 21, 22 years.
Speaker 1:Have another friend, mario. We were best friends in high school, like we would ride in his cars and we always laugh because whenever I would ride with him in his car, he had a Celica, he had a Tarras, we'd always seem to get into an accident. But, you know, even Mario and I regrettably we don't talk as often and we don't, you know, get up as often and he lives in Cali and he's doing great things. But I also think about you know, like I had friends in college, tyrone, liv and Hazelhurst, mississippi, an amazing musician, like we were really, really cool, like we would perform for, you know, ladies nights around campus. They call us, you know, instead of KC and JoJo, high C and Shashmo, because you know we would do it, like we would write music and we would do the thing.
Speaker 1:And then, I think, my second senior year he dropped out and we like really lost touch. At that point, my friend Donald, we were like the best of friends in college and at some point in adulthood we lost touch. And these are friendships, the ones I've lost, are the ones that I still grieve to this day. And so when I see results, when I see research that says, you know, men don't have true enduring friendships anymore In 2024, the amount of men who have enduring friendships, one in five, one in six men. When 30 years ago, 50 years ago, 50% of men would say I have riders, I have brothers. I have guys that I'm always getting with, guys that are inviting me, guys that I'm always inviting, but now it's one in five. Why, like? What is really happening? Why are male friendships seemingly going the way of the dinosaur?
Speaker 1:So I think here is where we have to debunk a couple of myths. Somehow it has been introduced into the male psyche that there is this lone wolf aspect to masculinity and to manhood. That's not true. I mean, you can trace back to you know, the first men and men lived in tribes. They hunted together, they ate together. So never in the male evolution has there ever been this thing of I'm a lone wolf, I'm a do it by myself. That's not a thing. Men are social creatures as much as women are social creatures. Even the most introverted introvert at times will need to come outside of the cave in order to have some contact with another person. So, men, if you're out here thinking that you're a lone wolf, no, that is a lie. That is a myth that you have brought into and it's hurting. It is hurting men, it is hurting masculinity, it is hurting our growth and our development. Again, I want to go back to this whole thing In 2021,.
Speaker 1:A survey of 2000, men found that 15% of men said that they had no close friends at all. Why so this whole lone wolf myth? There are society expectations. Like, society expects men to be stoic and self-reliant and emotionally distant, and these expectations can hinder vulnerability and authentic connection. Also, there is a fear of judgment. Men worry about being perceived as weak if they express emotions or seek companionships. So this fear of judgment. It causes men to keep other men at bay. So when we should be coming together and feel comfortable with it, we're not really doing it and it's causing problems. Also, declining involvement in civic and religious organizations. Fewer men are going to church and I'm not saying church is the only place where men can form relationships okay, but civic relationships, lower marriage rates, remote work since COVID creates missed opportunities for men to develop friendships with other men.
Speaker 1:And then there's the broco. It's like an unwritten contract that says thou shalt not reveal feelings, men. You know, a 2016 survey by UK's the Movember organization says that men lack social connectedness and that, while we tend to connect over commonalities like sports, what really takes a masculine relationship to a whole new level is when we discover that emotions are strange. But the brocode says that we suppress emotions. But the truth is that suppressing emotions doesn't make you stronger. It weighs you down Really. It takes courage and sharing your struggles as a sign of resilience. And, real bro, support each other Like. Can we change the brocode to say that thou shalt not reveal feelings? Can we just say we need to men as much as anybody. We need people to listen, to empathize and to lift one another up? We need to rewrite the brocode to include compassion and I need to address this. I think this is the right time to address this.
Speaker 1:The reason why I believe men are not engaging in real friendships is because somehow it has been introduced into the definition. I don't even know what this is is that men who show emotion to another man are homosexual they're gay. Men who hug other men are homosexual, they're gay. So a lot of the softness that men used to be able to have with one another. Somehow the switch has been flipped and they think that any man who is longing for that kind of connection, any man who was out here hugging another man or talking about their feelings to another man there's this homo hysteria that being perceived as gay can hinder male friendships. So that's why you have these relationships among men, heterosexual men, where I'm not going to hug you, I'm just going to tap you up. I'm not going to cry in front of you, we're just going to talk about the game. I'm not going to talk about what's really happening beneath the surface, because for me to do that might uncover some emotions and I'm uncomfortable revealing emotions to another man, because I don't want a man to see me cry. I don't want a man to see me as weak, because we're men, we conquer, we're victorious, we're rocky, we're fight, we're MMA, we're more power, more power. We're not. I'm going to cry in front of this guy beside me because nine times out of 10, the same things I'm dealing with he's dealing with. But we're going to keep going in the same direction, parallel toward one another, but never make the emotional reach out, the connection that will bind us.
Speaker 1:In men we need intimate fellowship with other men. It does not make you gay, it does not make you homosexual to crave connectedness and belonging with other men. It's natural and there are some articles out there that say that man are suffering a friendship recession, they're withdrawing. But if you're out here saying that I'm not going to have a relationship with another man because it makes him appear to be gay. You need to change the language in your head. You need to change your belief systems. You need, you need. You need a wholesale change in the way that you think about what friendships are. You need to be willing to accept and admit that you need more and that more that you need is a vulnerability and a transparency and a relationship with another man and other male groups that can allow you to be your authentic self in community with other men who are their authentic selves, because it helps you to grow and to be a better man. There's nothing wrong with having a bromance, because if you're able to be more open and honest with guys in your lives, guess what? It makes you healthier for the other people in your life who need you. There's nothing homosexual or soft or feminine about it.
Speaker 1:When we're, when we're boys, you look at boys, they hug, they high five. Sexual psychologist Nairobi uh way did some research that said that boys want and need to have intimacy but feel pressured to withhold vulnerability. That helps foster friendships. This means that boy friendships fade by late adolescence and it increases their risk for suffering mental health problems and poor physical health. We need one another Y'all there are. There are psychologists who run men's therapy groups just to give men a safe space to connect. But it's the socialization of our young, of our boys and our young men that create guys like me who were looking for the type of connections that will help them to be better.
Speaker 1:Because while I talk to my wife about everything, sometimes you just need a guy that you can just say I'm, I'm sucking right now. Life is hard. Right now it does. Things don't make sense right now, like this whole idea of what it means to be a man. I don't know what it means right now. I don't know what it looks like and see.
Speaker 1:With girls and women there's less of an association between physical affection and sexuality, so they're more open to the answer and intrapersonal interactions where they share secrets and they'll give each other a kiss on the cheek and they'll give each other a hug and all these things. But for guys it's just awkward and it's because of the stereotypes of men being the strong, silent type Yo, I'm married, I'm going to just grin and bear it, I'm going to just do it. But it's stupid and it's dumb and that stereotype is doing more to hinder our gender than anything else that might come against us, because when you don't recognize your social and emotional and psychological and mental needs, you don't recognize your social needs. This is where toxic masculinity comes from. Part of the male tradition has been to appear to be strong, which makes you appear, which makes you appear to be more secure, but it also makes you incredibly, incredibly lonely. And I also want to say this okay, my wife is one of the best friends that I have that I've ever had in my life.
Speaker 1:But, men, for us to place the burden on our woman to be our confidant, to be our strength, to be our undergirding, that is not fair. For us to put it on the women in our lives to fill those needs, that is unfair, is not right, is not right and we've got to stop it. We put too many of our emotional eggs in the basket of the woman that we're with or the woman that we're around and when we feel like they're not meeting that need. Sometimes it's where affairs come from, not the physical affairs, the emotional affairs that really do the damage. We've got to stop it. We have to be aware enough to know that we need other guys. We need other guys to want to hang around us, to care about us to just send a text message yo bro, how's your day, how, how? What kind of support do you need, homie? Like, what do you need? We?
Speaker 1:Just guys, if we're going to be intentional about our manhood, if we're going to be intentional about becoming the kind of men who are change makers, who are community supporters and who are growing up this next generation of men, they need to see it modeled before them that it's okay to have guy friends. And when it always got to go out for a beer, when it always got to go to the strip club. If you go to the strip club, I guess that's on you. I don't do what, I've never done it. We don't always have to do the masculine thing. We can have a book club, we can sit down and have a nice dinner in a restaurant. We can go sit in the park and just you know, just talk and just be authentically who we are. We've got to do it. Men Like we, we, we, we really have to do it and I am calling on you and I am challenging you to break the stereotype, to break the chain and to.
Speaker 1:I heard it said that men do life shoulder to shoulder, while women do life together, face to face, men. I'm challenging us to build face to face friendships. I'm challenging us to build face to face friendships. Side by side works for a time, but face to face lasts for a lifetime. It is what creates change, it is what grows us.
Speaker 1:Now you may be asking okay, so you've read, you've read my mail about needing friendships. I need them, how, how, how do I, how do I make friends? You know, making friends as an adult is awkward and it's weird, but it's necessary. And if we're going to be men of intention, we have to commit to doing the hard thing. Choose your heart. Being isolated is hard, but taking the risk and taking the chance of making friends is hard. Choose your heart and I hope that, as men who are listening to this conversation, as people who love men who are listening to this conversation, you, we are challenging ourselves and you are challenging us to choose the hard of cultivating and fostering friendships that are going to make a difference. So how do we do this? How do we, how do we form friendships as men? Let's talk about it Now, remember.
Speaker 1:I want to circle back around to the why in this, because not having a male friendship, male friendships, healthy male, male friendships. It impacts your soul, your mental health, man, it causes problems and we are done placing the burden on our romantic relationships to shoulder the load for the friendships that we should be having with other guys. And I see a tight turning. I really do, I really do, but I think we need to do more. All right, so how are we going to develop these friendships?
Speaker 1:All right, first step is simple. We're going to start with shared interests, our commonality, same with any friendship. So maybe it's football, right, maybe it's hockey, maybe it's trivia, okay, put yourself in a position with groups where you have a shared interest, because that's the easiest door to walk through and make it a point to spend, to set regular time aside to spend with your buddies. Like, it's easy for me to make excuses to not hang out, I'm going to be honest with you. It is easy for me to make excuses to not hang out. I've got to be better about that. Be intentional about hanging out with the fellas, because as you do that, opportunities will arise for more emotionally intimate conversations. Now, once you have those commonalities and you are creating a rhythm of setting a personal relationship, then you'll be able to do it with your friends. It's a good way to do it. Otherwise, you'll be happy to send a message to your friends. You can get this message by time for face to face interaction with other guys or with another guy, all right.
Speaker 1:Now here's where the courage comes in, because we know that close men's friendships don't happen overnight. We understand that there is work that has to be done on both sides In order for a more meaningful brotherhood, for a more meaningful male friendship to form. We have to get comfortable moving past the surface level questions and ask harder questions. How do you really feel about your job? How are things between you and your girlfriend? Are you and your wife? I know you mentioned that things aren't going well, like what's the real issue there? And I know it's scary. And it's scary because we are afraid of rejection. We're afraid that when people get a chance to know us like we know us, they're gonna turn the other way. But y'all we have to man, we have to trust somebody. We have to trust somebody enough to let them get to know the real us. And so, in order for us to do that, we have to ask questions that go deeper and take the risk of being vulnerable. That's the next part.
Speaker 1:Toxic social norms say men need to be strong and not show weakness, but the fact of the matter is there is no strength without weakness. It's weakness that pushes us to become strong. The weakness helps us to become strong and being vulnerable in conjunction with men who are trying to do life authentically with you. So we have to be willing to open up and be honest about sensitive topics like romantic relationships, mental health and self worth. If you don't feel, if you feel like crap today, tell, find somebody that you can tell somebody that I feel like crap. Why? Because this and this and this and this and this. When you're honest about yourself and your feelings, it makes you stronger and it allows others to feel safe, opening up around you. And then you've got to maintain those friendships. You got to check in during the week. Put it in your phone, put it on your calendar Today I'm checking in with Ricky. Today I'm checking in with Brooks. Today I'm checking in with Tray. These are people that I check in with and it doesn't.
Speaker 1:Your brain is going to tell you that if they're not reaching out back to you weekly, that they don't value you as a friend. I need you to shut that thing down, shut it down, shut it down, because nine times out of 10, that is honestly not the case. We have to get into a rhythm of checking in on one another, and it can't we can't get too concerned about it being one sided, unless somebody tells us that it's one sided or unless behaviors on the other part convince us that it is a one sided thing. We can't assume, man. We're talking about growing up and growing deeper by growing deeper with one another, and so we have to normalize it. It's okay for me to check in with my guys, for me to check in with my fellas, for me to not allow friendships to go dormant and to become stale, because the truth of the matter is we are people who need people, and it's time for us to rewrite the script and to create bonds that last a lifetime.
Speaker 1:So here's my challenge to you guys. Here's my challenge to you this week I want you to reach out to someone and I know you're like, oh my gosh, he's asking me to do what. I'm challenging you to reach out to someone that you consider to be a friend, that has the potential to be a friend, and just ask them to hang out. I'm not saying you got to talk about your feelings. But if the if it presents itself, ask some deeper, harder, probing questions. Let them get a chance to know you, because you are worthy of being known man. You were worthy of being seen man. You were worthy of receiving love from another guy. No, it does not make you a homosexual. And even if you are gay, so what? We all need friends and we deserve to be loved, not just by the women in our lives, but by the men in our lives. And the sooner you come to grips with that, the more color and tone your life will begin to take on. And are the days of the lone wolf man.
Speaker 1:Being an intentional man means we recognize that, in order for us to be at our best, we are at our best in relationship and community with other men who were trying to actively do the same. So it's time to be about the work, and I challenge you. I challenge you to be the one to reach out. I challenge you to risk the vulnerability and the transparency and to acknowledge within yourself that you need other men. And then I challenge you to put it, to put it to work, to put put the work in and to put what we're talking about today in this episode, put it to use and, over the next three, six months, to see how your life begins to change for the better. We are growing, we're growing up, we are becoming better, because we deserve it and the people in our lives deserve it as well. Y'all hear me, do you hear me? How many of us have friends? I pray that it's more than one in five as we move forward. Who are those brothers in your life? Who are they? How are you reaching out to them? How are you cultivating those relationships? Come on, brothers, we got this, we got this, and if you love a man out there when you know somebody that this directly impacts, I need you to get this episode into their hands. I need you to get it into their hands and because and I need you to challenge them to be better in this area, to be more self-aware and to be more about the business of fostering and building an authentic community of brothers that's gonna help us all become better. All right, that's it.
Speaker 1:That's episode 28 of season two of the Pep Talk podcast. We have been talking about men and friends, men and friends, and my belief is that, as a result of this conversation, our friendships are gonna improve. They're gonna be better because they have to be. Our mental health has to get better, our sense of self-worth has to get better, our communities have to get better, we have to unify and we have to grow one another. All right, all right.
Speaker 1:So I wanna hear from you what do you think about this topic. What do you think? What did I miss? Did I miss something in the reason why we don't have better men friendships? Did I miss a solution? Send me an email at thepepppodcast at gmailcom. Hit me up at underscore. Jb speaks on Instagram.
Speaker 1:I wanna hear from you, I wanna know what you think. What do you think about men and friendships, the state of them and how we get them better? If there's advice that you have to share, give it to me. I'll share it out next week's episode, because we have to get better. We just do, we just do. We notice. I said we, we just do. All right, so, yo, this has been our episode for this week and I pray that your week is amazing. I pray that your relationships begin to grow. I pray that your communities, our communities, begin to mature and to get better and to get deeper, because we deserve it, man. You deserve it. We are being intentional men. We are choosing to be intentional about our manhood. So y'all know how we end every episode right Keep it love, keep it light and keep it happy. We'll see you next week on the episode 29 of the Peptalk Podcast. I've been your host, coach Jay, a live coach in Dallas, Texas. I'll see you next week. Y'all be blessed, peace. I'll see you next week.