Healthy Living by Willow Creek Springs
A podcast about practices to promote healthy lives featuring experts, businesses, and clients: we gather to share our stories about success, failure, exploration, and so much more. Our subscription episodes feature some personal and vulnerable, real-life stories that are sensitive to some of the general public.
Healthy Living by Willow Creek Springs
The Unspoken Burden: What Happens After the Crisis Fades
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When a life-threatening illness strikes, we often divide our experience into "before" and "after" - but what happens when you enter the murky middle ground where crisis has passed but healing remains incomplete? This raw, unfiltered conversation explores the unexpected challenges that arise when a cancer battle evolves from acute emergency to chronic condition.
Cancer forced me to confront the most unyielding form of truth - a tumor doesn't care about feelings or wishes, it simply exists until something stops it. While my neck mass has shrunk dramatically from treatment, I've discovered that as the visual evidence of illness fades, so too does much of the support system that carried me through the darkest days. The reality is harsh but undeniable: caretakers experience compassion fatigue, financial pressures continue mounting, and the world expects you to resume normal functioning long before your body and mind are ready.
The physical toll of chemotherapy extends far beyond the treatment chair. The persistent metallic taste that makes everything "taste like moldy cardboard," the bone-deep fatigue that turned a simple mountain vacation into an endurance test, and the cognitive "chemo fog" that clouds decision-making represent daily battles invisible to most observers. Yet amidst these struggles, moments of profound grace emerge - like a mother-in-law's unexpected financial gift enabling a restorative trip to the mountains, or the simple joy of breaking dietary restrictions to enjoy a cheeseburger after months of restriction.
What sustains us when the initial surge of crisis support inevitably fades? How do we maintain the intense focus needed for healing when progress becomes less dramatic and visible? This episode offers no easy answers, only honest reflection on the marathon of recovery and the truth that ultimately, each person must find the strength to carry their own backpack. If you're navigating a health crisis or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers a rare glimpse into the complex reality of what healing actually demands - not just in moments of crisis, but in the long, challenging journey that follows.
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Well, hello and welcome back to the Healthy Living Podcast. I'm your host, joe Grumbine, and you're listening to a special subscriber edition of the podcast and I have not recorded one of these for a little bit, and this is going to be another update. This is going to be another update and I think we're going to transition into a different genre Not genre, just a different set of topics soon, so that I can provide more of this type of content without it just being about my update of my cancer battle. And the reason for that is kind of simple. We're transitioning into another phase of this which is not as exciting to listen to. Frankly, more time passes, less things happen, and things happen, and that's kind of what I want to talk about today, because there's different types of difficulty, and I believe that I'm entering a new chapter of this, and initially the difficulty came from the acuity and the severity of the problem. So I had this lump that was growing on my neck and pushing on my carotid artery and choking my esophagus and scaring the living shit out of me, because it was growing in spite of everything I was doing, and got down to the wire. You know the whole story If you haven't listened. There's some powerful, intense episodes in here that I would highly suggest you go back and find. They're all there.
Speaker 1:Anyways, you know, this took me to the brink, took me to the edge, mentally, physically, really realistically, and I think a lot of that's what this podcast is about is about the truth, and you know that's. The thing that I was given is a world that is truth. I don't give a shit about how you feel. I don't give a shit about what should be. I don't give a shit about what should be. I don't give a shit about what might be or what I could have done, would have done. The only thing that matters to me is what is. And you know why? Because, frankly, that's the truth and everything else is just whatever. It's opinion, it's feelings, it's things that really, frankly, don't matter as much as they feel like they do. They don't, and they're not things I can control, they're not things that I have any say over whatsoever and, in spite of how hard I might try, you still might think I'm an asshole. So it really, frankly, doesn't matter anymore. And, that being said, this cancer is the same thing. It lives in a world of truth. It said to me, frankly, I don't care what you think, I'm going to keep growing until you stop me. And you know it got all of my attention for a while, all of it, and there were very few other things I could even think about. And that's the truth, that's a reality.
Speaker 1:That's when it really and so just about a week almost, it'll be two weeks coming up in a couple of days began my third round of chemo and it started like any other, any other. I've had two prior and thank god I've only been two. I don't want any more of this. But you know, I got my infusion Feeling good, came home with the pump and a couple of days into it I realized that it was hitting me a little bit harder than before. A little bit harder than before and, uh, I was able to put on some weight. So my fast was easier, in the sense of I didn't drop down so low. I think I got up to over 151 and, which is the highest I've been in a couple of months I dropped down to 140. And for me that's really low and it took a few days. But after a few days I realized this thing was kind of hitting me hard and I got my hand over the nausea and a little couple of puffs of cannabis.
Speaker 1:And I had an old friend come by and visit me and it was really great, I hadn't seen him in several years. And it turned out he was going through some stuff and he broke up with a mutual well, his longtime girlfriend and my longtime friend, and because of that he separated himself from anybody who was connected to her and it was a little bitter pill, but I understood it. It made sense and that's what living in the truth was able to do for me. Instead of having my feelings hurt by well, how could you abandon me when I didn't do anything to you? It was like, well, I can see you, somebody who was so deeply connected to all parties and you needed to heal your damn self. Sometimes you got to just separate from everybody and but anyways, truth prevailed and after several years he came by and had some gifts and we were able to share some time together and I really appreciated and enjoyed it and it was very restorative. But also still I was, you know, going through this. But he gave me a gift of some homegrown cannabis that was really good and tasty and just a couple little puffs. I kind of made that nausea go away, at least temporarily, and allowed me to eat some and get some relief.
Speaker 1:And and I had a vacation planned, so I tried to every year head up to the Sierras, where it's a beautiful country. I'm familiar with a lot of really beautiful spots and it's not that far away, five and a half hours or whatever, on a drive, a pretty drive, going through the desert and going through some cool little towns and a lot of memories in these places, crowded and more populated and less amazing, but still, every time we go up there we find some new spots and it's just a beautiful, amazing spot Anyways. But this year I'm faced with financial problems. You know that's again another truth. So you know, some amazing people set up this fundraiser and, you know, for a period of time some people were donating and I'm so deeply, deeply grateful for that.
Speaker 1:But the reality is, you know, your problem is your problem. You got to remember that, no matter how intense and difficult it might be, nobody else feels it and, like people, like your caretaker, imagine how difficult it is for them. It's easy for them to take care of you when you're going through your darkest time because it's acute, it's right there. They can see the pain on you. But day after day after day guess what? You know that you spend their emotional capital and after a while you become a burden to them and you know there's nothing you can do about it. It's just the truth. And after a while it becomes less important for them to care about how you feel and there's just I don't know that there's any way to resolve that.
Speaker 1:I trust, if you're a caretaker or you know a caretaker, give them an opportunity, give them some time off, because it's hard for them to continue that level of support. And you know people can't throw money at you. Why would they? And unless you can sell yourself and get your cause to be worthy of people you don't know support, you know you're going to have a hard time finding it. So again, truth is I got to pick myself up and solve this or I'm going to be financially destroyed here soon and you know my little business is helping out some and I got to bring some focus and get my nonprofit going and start raising some funds, or I'm going to go belly up and I won't have anybody that cares, because that's just how it is and that's a crazy reality. So there's two lines of thought going on right now. One is this chemo and my treatment and the the other is the reality of my financial ruin staring me in the eyes and having to summon up energy that I, frankly, don't have a lot of.
Speaker 1:But I'm an incredible human being and I can figure out ways to overcome things, and apparently God has decided to continue to give me things to overcome and I will continue to rise to the challenge. But at this very same time, I've been given these blessings just by overcoming, by staying in the line. I believe that each time I've given a test, somehow god comes through and um and took a leap of faith. Doing this trip, I said if I gotta charge it, I'll charge it, I'll pay, found a way to pay it back. At least I've kept my credit intact, and that has not. I haven't compromised that yet. I came kind of close, but we keep coming through. Always, at the last second, something comes through. And so when I was at my very worst, I was laying there in a very difficult place and I don't know if that had anything to do with the why, but my mother-in-law, of all people, came forward and handed me a stack of cash and said here, I want to take care of your vacation and I was like whoa, it was amazing, beautiful gift, and I'm so deeply grateful for Mary Lou Costales who gave me the money to go on this trip and not have to worry about it. And so we went up to the cabin and rented the car and bought the food and did what we needed to.
Speaker 1:You know, there's a thing I'm learning is as a caretaker might become emotionally depleted and, you know, start to become annoyed with the very person that they were trying to, they were taking care of when they're in their darkest time. Well, the same thing happens. You get fatigued with having to do all these things and you know my regimen includes, you know, oxygen therapy and supplements and exercise and food and not food, and this enzyme and having to pay for this enzyme and all of these things, and then now this chemotherapy. That's just brutal and after a while I don't know I can understand how people can let go and give up. Not that I would, but that thing that drives you.
Speaker 1:It's hard to keep it at that intensity forever. You know, it's like running a marathon. How long can you run? There's a point where you get weary and you just kind of go. Wow, I know what's at stake, but my god, I'm tired man, I'm just fucking tired and I, I.
Speaker 1:It's weird, you know, and as as it becomes less acute and maybe there's a finish line in sight, finish line in sight, it becomes maybe more difficult, because you got to keep that intensity going, you got to keep your focus, you got to keep going, regardless of if you don't see even you know, watching this thing shrink. It was very dramatic for a while and now it's come to a point where I barely notice it. I'm still noticing, I feel it shrinking and dying, but to actually see it and when people go, oh my god, oh my god. Well, the last few weeks there hasn't been the big oh my god factor either, because it's shrunk down to a place where it's, frankly, barely noticeable. But I still feel it's still there, it's not gone and it will not be gone until it's gone. And that's the part that for me right now has become difficult. And you know, frankly, maybe I had some foresight. I booked this in January when I did already know that I had cancer and I knew that, if I was still alive, that this might be important, and I booked it. But, unseen, I didn't know if I was going to be able to pay for it or not. I put it on a credit card and said I only had to pay for half of it up front and so, frankly, I only had to put a deposit down, a $100 deposit, to get started when I made the decision.
Speaker 1:So we go up there and the point of me going up there is to restore my soul, whatever, every year, whenever I'm able to go. You know I live a difficult life. I give myself a lot of challenges. I have put myself in a place that depletes me every year, have put myself in a place that depletes me every year, and when I go up there, just even for four or five days, it just refills my batteries. Just being out on the water, catching a fish, breathing the air, seeing the beautiful skies, it's, it's, it's just so restorative Feeling, connected to creator, is is happens in a very special way up there and, frankly, the years I haven't been able to go cost me and I felt it and I knew it. So I know, whether I go there or somewhere else, it's important for me to get away at least once a year to just restore myself.
Speaker 1:So, anyways, we're up there and this time I had just gotten the chemo pump off Literally I had it taken off. I get this injection of I don't know bone marrow stuff that's supposed to restore my white blood cells and then literally jetted home and got on the road. I got to go with my granddaughter this cells and then literally jetted home and got on the road. I got to go with my granddaughter this time, which was really beautiful. Her and I got to spend a lot of good time connecting and bonding and I loved her deeply and it was really great to spend time with her.
Speaker 1:But this time, you know, you go up there and you're up at, you know, between 7,000, 8,000 feet and the air is thinner and normally, even when I'm feeling good and strong and healthy, I you know you get winded easy. Well, this time, my God, it just whooped my ass. Well, this time, my god, it just whooped my ass. So I was one, literally one day out of five, fluorure still pumping through my veins and that stuff. I'm telling you it's just some whoop-ass poison and you know you feel it working it. I'm grateful for it. It's it's instrumental in for it, it's it's instrumental in this result that I'm getting and it's a key component to it all.
Speaker 1:But the price is difficult. My mouth is sore. I have this horrible taste in my mouth all the time. Tastes like friggin, moldy cardboard, everything tastes like shit, and that's a difficulty. So you got this combination, you got nausea, you're feeling weak, your mouth is sore and everything tastes like. So what does that add up to? You know, not a robust diet and the things that kind of would taste good you can't eat.
Speaker 1:And I decided that you know this was going to be a vacation, both from the environment, anything negative and even my diet. So I brought up extra enzyme. I brought up four doses a day so that I could break my diet for a bit. And on the way up there we stopped at a restaurant and I ordered a cheeseburger, a bowl of chili, had some pie. I mean, I just did everything that generally I can't do and it felt amazing. It was the first time I'd broken my diet and eaten any meat in months and it tasted like and I wish it tasted good, but it's this taste in my mouth is just it's. And I wish it tasted good, but this taste in my mouth is just it's crippling, and I can't describe it well enough other than you know, moldy cardboard, but it just literally makes everything taste bad. But it felt good to have that food in my stomach.
Speaker 1:You know I've been eating a shit ton of fruit and vegetables, that food in my stomach. You know I've been eating a shit ton of fruit and vegetables lately, more fruit than vegetables because at least it's got a little bit of good taste to it and I can't really put butter on anything. I get a little olive oil but you know, just to get something to taste good, been pretty rough and it just felt good in my belly and I felt full for the first time in a while, actually full like you know where you just feel like, oh, I couldn't eat anymore. And that was first time in a long time. I felt that and, you know, took my extra enzymes and didn't trip on it and through the vacation, uh, the next morning I had a breakfast and I had, uh, some eggs and I had a pancake and some potatoes and more pie and uh, uh, again took the enzyme and again it didn't taste very good but it it felt good and I even I don't know on the third or fourth day I ate a few bites of trout and that's one of the hardest things of this whole experience is I love fish.
Speaker 1:I love to catch fish, I love to eat fish, I love to eat fish, I love everything about fish, but fish is high in methionine, really high, and so it's one of the things I particularly need to avoid, especially salmon. Of all things, I love salmon and it's freaking so high in methionine it's just frankly not worth eating, especially if you've got cancer running through your body. Now, once I'm down to zero cancer and I know it, I will splurge and have a fish meal and I'll fast for a couple of days and I'll regulate that way and I'm not going to deny myself, but I'm not even going to bother until this taste has gone out of my mouth. I hope to God it leaves. But here's the kicker man. This thing just whooped my butt so bad and I didn't bring any weed up with me. I don't know why. I just didn't think about it.
Speaker 1:I think the hardest thing is this chemotherapy. There's a lady who was a good friend and turned on me at one point, not that long ago, and she used to always talk about chemo fog and that was her excuse for everything. And I just don't buy excuses. And so the whole idea of chemo fog to me was like, yeah, whatever, right, well, it's a thing, it's an overcomable thing because I know I can put my focus to it and it's a lot of energy, a lot of work and you can still focus, but it sucks the wind out of you, it makes your brain fuzzy, you make mistakes.
Speaker 1:For example, I went up a day early. I was sure our reservation was for the 14th and we went up on the 14th and I get up there at almost midnight waiting, expecting my key to be there, and there's no key there and I'm like what the hell? And I got my wife looking at me, like what the fuck did you just do? My granddaughter going, what did you just do? And I'm like, oh, like, oh, let me check, I go and I check my email and, sure enough, my reservations for the 15th. Thank god there was a motel nearby that we were able to book and get in and get a night's sleep. I refuse to let there be drama right now. So, in spite of it, I would have found us a motel. Even if we had to go back down 40 miles down the mountain, we would have found a motel, but that was a straight up brain. Fuck, you know I, how did I miss a day? I'm the guy attention to details and I just totally botched it and I made a few errors along the way. That just trying to.
Speaker 1:We were playing a little um, oh, what's that game? Trivial pursuit and stuff I should have known I couldn't even think of um. And also, physically, you know I I was wobbly, I was like I was a little drunk. I had a hard time walking, sometimes stumbled easily, got winded so fast, oh my God, just walking up the hill from the boat. You know, normally I hike miles and up inclines and you know, hiking along streams and bopping from place to place, hopping from rock to rock. This time I could barely I'd find a little spot and just stay there. And I still went down a couple of streams, not a lot, not as many as I would have, but saw some beautiful country and had an amazing time. But I sat a lot more and one night I had a bad. I got, got in and I just was laid out and I actually went to bed early and even overslept my alarm. So that's kind of my update.
Speaker 1:We got back and, um, you know, I'm in this realization that life sucks and life is hard and people are going to like you or not. People are going to care about you or not, and you got to pick yourself up, carry on and that's the truth. And if you worry about people's feelings and opinions, then you're not caring about yourself and you got to love yourself. If you're going to heal yourself and if you think you're going to help anybody else or be good or be there for anybody else without taking care of yourself, you're full of shit. You're fooling yourself.
Speaker 1:So I appreciate everybody who has supported me. I understand there's no way I can get you to care forever the way that would be nice. It would be nice, but it's not going to happen. I appreciate that and I realize that life goes on and if this is a backpack that I have to carry on my own and I will continue to do so and I will continue to share this story and hopefully be inspirational and I will prevail. So thank you for everybody who supported this podcast and I hope you find it entertaining, inspiring and enjoyable. We'll talk to you next time.
