Secrets And Healing: pt 6 Healthy living through adversity

A secret can feel like armor, especially when you learned early that telling the truth might cost you love, respect, or safety. We get honest about how childhood trauma turns into a vow of silence, how that vow shapes identity and “manhood,” and why the toughest thing many of us will ever do is let ourselves be seen.

We walk through Juan’s “Letters To The Young Me,” a raw set of lyrics aimed at interrupting the school-to-prison pipeline and the cycle of acting out. We unpack the psychology behind it: trauma that grows like toxic mold, emotions that don’t disappear but come out sideways, and the way suppression can lead to explosions, violence, or addiction. We also talk about the “accidents without repairs” metaphor, the constant adjustments people make to survive, and why those workarounds eventually drain your energy and stack new regrets on old wounds.

Then we get practical. We explore what “therapy” can look like in real life, from professional counseling to a priest, mentor, or any trustworthy person with tools and care. We highlight a key trauma-informed idea from Bruce Perry and Oprah’s What Happened to You: a healthy relationship can be the best form of therapy. We also challenge adults to ask better questions when kids show disruptive behavior, and we name the uncomfortable truth that men’s trauma is often ignored.

If you’ve been carrying a secret, consider this your nudge to choose healing over hiding. Listen, share it with someone who works with youth or mental health, and if the conversation helps, subscribe and leave a review so more people can find it.

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Welcome And Series Momentum

SPEAKER_03 0:10

Well, hello, and welcome to the Healthy Living Podcast. I'm your host, Joe Grumbine, and we've got another episode today of the Healthy Living Through Adversity with Jay Wells. And uh Juan, welcome to the show. It's good to have you back.

SPEAKER_04 0:28

Thank you, Joe. It's good to be back. And well, I like a lot of the feedback that we're getting from this. So I'm like you, man. I'm really off optimistic and hope that this is the new direction, you know, everybody, you know, to we're heading in.

SPEAKER_03 0:41

Well, you know, it's been really it's been really inspiring. Not only have these episodes been getting decent amount of listens, you know, this is a a growing show. You know, I don't have any marketing team or anything. It's all organic. And so the audience has grown organically, but it's it's it's getting higher numbers every month. But your your episode, Discophy Living Through Adversity, has brought in more guests that have reached out to me to come on the show because of what they heard of one of these episodes than anything else I've done. So I know there's always different records. Like we think that, you know, well, there's only the sheer numbers of listens or whatever, but I look for all different elements of feedback. And what I have, you know, a significant portion of the guest requests that I've gotten in the last month have been a result of one of these episodes. So I think we're on a good track here.

Organic Growth And Listener Feedback

SPEAKER_04 1:50

Yeah. I was impressed with all the professionals that was reaching out too. And, you know, this is like, especially with their credentials, you know, and to know that you know they're gonna elaborate on what we've been talking about and expanding on that. So that that's pretty cool, you know, and I I can't wait to see what they bring to the table and and definitely like, you know, especially the audience. I mean, I'm sure they're in for a huge street treat. I'm not an expert, you know, this a lot of what we hear is just from my own personal experience, my own soul searching, you know, and just stuff that I have discovered, you know, working in groups, you know, with other men who've, you know, been doing the work and been talking about our dramas and things like that.

SPEAKER_03 2:32

Juan, you're you're mistaken. You are actually an expert. I I've sat in in many, many courtrooms and as a result of my other nonprofit that I that I ran for a long time. And in the court, oftentimes the judge will qualify an expert in the field. And all an expert really means is somebody who has more experience on a particular subject than the average layperson. And the truth is you have huge amounts of experience, not only with the trauma, with the problem side of it, but also with the therapeutic tools and and working to help and and resolve it, then I would say even even some practicing therapists. Uh so you know, don't cut don't sell yourself short. Experience itself is what makes you an expert. So you've got that.

SPEAKER_04 3:32

Wow, thank you. Thank you for that. That's very encouraging.

SPEAKER_03 3:35

Well, I just speak the truth, man. Just speak the truth.

SPEAKER_04 3:39

Yeah. You know, because that's uh that's who you know, I would say like, you know, when I say my story, I'm the expert on my own story, you know, my journey. Yeah, and knowing like how my journey and things like that have, you know, been unfolding, you know, and the constant just looking inside of myself and examining myself and just doing all that hard work of just knowing where I'm at. So But yeah, no, I never really thought of it in the way you put it. So yeah, thank you.

Redefining What Makes An Expert

SPEAKER_03 4:06

Well look at it this way. Your your trauma is is a fairly common trauma that doesn't diminish it, it just means that a lot of people have suffered from a similar trauma. And so just I consider myself the world's foremost expert on my cancer because I solved my cancer. Well, I'm also an expert on general cancer, and I can help a lot of people because of what I've been through. And it just so happens that the thing that I went through, a lot of people also go through. So it's it's very similar that way. You know, we we learn when we overcome or when we when we uh take on an obstacle and and and either overcome it or seek to overcome it, and we put the time in. You know, when a lawyer and a doctor go to work, they call it practicing. And a lawyer and a doctor can have a degree hanging on the wall, but if they don't go to work and practice, they're not gonna be very good at anything. And that's the same thing. We don't have to have a degree, and we can still practice, and we can work on the things we've learned at work and and the tools, and that's what we're doing right here. We're practicing.

SPEAKER_04 5:22

Right, yeah. You know, you remind me of this, I'll I'll share a quote, and you know, I don't remember the who qu who quote this who quoted this, however, but it says in a foolish person's hands medicine can become poison. And in a wise person's hand poison can become medicine.

SPEAKER_03 5:53

It's a hundred percent true.

SPEAKER_04 5:54

And yeah, and the reason because I look at that now like from the context of trauma and what we've been covering here.

SPEAKER_02 6:02

Right.

SPEAKER_04 6:03

And it's like it's how we relate to like our trauma can become poison, and and and I'm one who was poisoned by my trauma.

SPEAKER_05 6:11

Sure.

SPEAKER_04 6:11

But the same thing that poisoned me, you know, I can use it to also to uh for to make a vaccine.

SPEAKER_03 6:20

Right. Exactly, and that's all a vaccine is is it's the disease, but it's been modified to and weakened so that your body can recognize it and attack it. The same thing comes true with with you know an element of trauma. You can you can take a a weakened element of that and turn that into a tool to help yourself heal.

SPEAKER_04 6:45

Yeah, well. Yeah, so we we are amazing you know, we are amazing creatures. You know, when you really think about it. And so much so like to me, I I know these that these traumas it it it it it controls our life up until a certain point, and that's what we're gonna talk about today, is you know, the secrets that evolve as a result of these traumas, but you know, we we have the power to heal. You know, and then we just have to be and in my view is like once we become aware, and that's kinda like what we were doing in the previous couple of episodes, we were just becoming aware. You know, like I was just going through my stages of just becoming aware of all this information and there's a lot more that we're gonna talk about and cover. But you know, once you get to that a awareness, then you can begin that that healing process. Um if you would like, we can get into what we talk about today as far as the dates.

SPEAKER_03 7:42

Yeah, let's get into it.

SPEAKER_04 7:45

Okay. So as I was thinking about like everything that we've been covered in the previous episodes, we left off at, you know, how I was talking about the accident, like without repairs. And that's the way, you know, like I looked at my nine aces, like nine nine different accidents I have, but never went to the repair shop to have those things repaired. And so, you know, I believe we have left your re your listeners with the question, like, what repairs do they have to make in their life?

SPEAKER_05 8:12

Right.

SPEAKER_04 8:12

You know, what things need to be repaired. And so from there I wanted to talk about so just imagine this scenario, you know, or just like a lot of our stories, or my story in particular. So here we go, you know, a child a child a child who started to get victimized. Right? And so in in experiencing this victimization there is this false self that comes forward, this suppressing, this pushing down, the denying of, you know, what I experienced, and even the vow. So as a man, you know, this this began I began to question my manhood, you know, like and I and I felt I had to prove myself to uh you know, like I had to prove that I was a man. And so I and and in that pursuit also came the vow that I was not gonna tell anybody anything that happened to me. There was the shame that accompanied, you know, like I just didn't want to face the shame. You know? And some somehow like I just made myself that promise, like I will never tell anybody that happened to me ever.

SPEAKER_03 9:39

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 9:40

As if as if my manhood was dependent on me not exposing what I what I been through.

SPEAKER_03 9:50

So in your mind in your mind, if anybody was to know of the things you'd been through, they would consider you less of a man.

SPEAKER_04 9:59

Yes. Yes. And more so myself.

SPEAKER_02 10:05

Right.

Turning Poison Into Medicine

SPEAKER_04 10:06

You know. Yeah, I I and I and I had a s I had a problem with that identity, you know, let alone not even knowing having a healthy person in my life that could tell me what being a man was even about.

SPEAKER_02 10:22

Right.

SPEAKER_04 10:22

You know, so there were no male role I had, you know, no positive male role models at all, you know, growing up. So you know, I I was raised by my my brothers basically, and they were children, you know, raising children.

SPEAKER_02 10:37

Right.

SPEAKER_04 10:38

And so that brings me to the this poem that I wrote, and it's called Letters to the Young Me. And what inspired this poem was there is a program in the prison called We Care, and there is this counselor, and I I have a lot of respect for this counselor that runs the program, and so when I learned about it, I was like, Oh, I would like to share some some insights, you know, to the youth, give them some tools on all the mistakes that I made in not processing the trauma that I've been through, and hopefully give them some advice to get over those hurdles.

SPEAKER_03 11:19

Nice.

SPEAKER_04 11:19

And so, go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 11:23

No, I said that's nice. You know, before you get started, I I I know I've told you I I do sweat lodge pretty regularly. And when when you're in a sweat lodge, it's kind of like a therapy session. You got all these people in this dark place, and then you know, it gets really hot and steamy, and then and then we talk. And one of the tools that is used in the sweat lodge is to reach out to yourself and to speak to your younger self. And when you're talking about this poem, it reminded me of sitting in the sweat lodge, you know, reaching out to my uh my younger my inner child, you know, myself as a as a five, six, ten-year-old child, and and talking to myself. It's a powerful tool.

SPEAKER_00 12:13

I have 60 seconds remaining.

SPEAKER_03 12:15

You're taking it yet to another level and and you know, addressing yourself, but you're really putting this out as a message to all the youth.

The Vow To Never Tell

SPEAKER_04 13:18

Yeah. I mean, I it was very vital for me to have this conversation and look at all the places uh within myself where I'm like, okay, here's a lot of mistakes that I made. I think the number one mistake that I made was keeping my trauma asleep.

SPEAKER_03 13:36

Oh, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 13:37

And not opening up. Yeah, I think that was the number one mistake that I made.

SPEAKER_03 13:42

When that's what when I when we sit in the sweat lodge or when I sit with medicine and we're all sitting up, you know, praying and drumming and singing, that's what happens a lot. It's people share, you know, their traumas and and they get into it. I've done the same myself, you know. I don't haven't had the same kind of trauma that I don't think that you have, but we all have things that affected us. All right. So one when where when we when you just left, you were talking about this poem that you wrote and and it it how important it was to talk to your younger self.

SPEAKER_04 14:23

Yeah. Yeah. So and this was to help, like I said, if I could go back in time, you know, and and and talk to myself. You know, and and you know, everyone, you know, everybody says that I wish I could go back and talk to myself.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

And so Oh I tell you, I I'd be a whole different person if I could go and give myself a couple of pointers.

SPEAKER_04 14:47

Right. And that's that's where this was coming from. And then I realized I said, you know what, like I said in our previous episode, like there are little wands out there still. You know, and so yeah, so I was like, you know what, I I I I may not be able to go back for myself in time personally, right and give this information, but I can go back to other youngsters like myself who are experiencing the same thing. So and that's the goal of this this poem right here.

SPEAKER_03 15:15

Nice.

SPEAKER_04 15:17

Okay. So and this goes from the school to prison pipeline. This this is kind of like what I'm trying to interrupt here.

SPEAKER_02 15:25

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 15:26

So the chorus says there are better things to do than dying in the streets or going to prison. This is not living, waiting for visits, phone calls only 15 minutes. I hope the young me listen to the things that I have witnessed. You're broken and I know it. This is how you fix it. I'll just address that real quick. So when I was growing up, going to prison was like the rite of passage.

SPEAKER_02 15:53

Right?

SPEAKER_04 15:54

Because like I said, when you are struggling with what does it mean to be a man, you're looking I was looking to what what what can I what can I do to prove that I'm a man? I'm trying to prove it. And so I associated toughness and there was no greater toughness than like prison.

SPEAKER_02 16:19

Right.

SPEAKER_04 16:19

You know, and and and we had this ignorant type of you know, thinking that oh you you know, and and and this level of respect for people who got out of prison.

SPEAKER_05 16:32

Right.

SPEAKER_04 16:32

I mean, that's something you heard out there, like, hey man, this dude got out of prison.

SPEAKER_03 16:35

You like Absolutely, yeah. You took a step back and you listened to what he had to say.

SPEAKER_04 16:45

Right. So that and that's sort of that's the the flaws thinking. Right, you know, that I was trying to correct here and saying there are better things to do than dying in the streets or going to prison.

SPEAKER_02 17:00

Right.

SPEAKER_04 17:01

You know, because we try so hard to you know, build these reputations and all these other different things and prove that uh, you know, like me trying to prove I was tough or I'm this or I'm that and wearing this again this false self.

SPEAKER_05 17:15

Right.

SPEAKER_04 17:16

This false self of toughness and denying, you know, the emotions and the vulnerability and all those other things that made me human.

SPEAKER_03 17:24

Well, you know what's interesting is when you when you get older and a little wiser, you realize that true toughness is letting yourself be vulnerable.

SPEAKER_04 17:36

Yes. Yes. I was okay, so I was in Empathy in Action last night, and I was sitting in the we call 'em families.

SPEAKER_05 17:47

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 17:47

And there was um my lady's name, Lisa, she shared a story. And I told her after go say, your story hit me so hard. While I was sitting in the listening to her story, I was like fighting back tears.

SPEAKER_05 18:02

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 18:03

Right? And just because of the magnitude, like every now and then I have w a story that just really hits me. And here I am, I'm sitting in this family, and I even had to pass because one of the participants he passed me the thing and it was on me. And see, I'm one of those guys like when I'm that choked up, like it's I can't I don't want to talk because if I start talking, I know the tears are gonna start falling.

SPEAKER_01 18:24

I hear you. So I pass. I get it, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:28

So I pass until I can like collect myself, right? And then they gave me back to uh talking piece. But the reason why I mentioned that is because I was thinking about this last night and this morning, I'm like, why was I fighting that vulnerability? And why was I fight like why do I still feel the need after everything that I've been through, after everything I've been why do I still find the need to fight against sex?

Letters To The Young Me

SPEAKER_03 19:00

And and you know the truth is tears are so cathartic, they they you feel so good after you've cried, you know. Right. It it there's nothing, you know, it's almost like I I hate to say it, but you almost feel like you just had sex. I mean, it's really like if you have a good cry and you let it all out and you're just like spent, you're just like, whoa, I'm clean. I'm like, I there's nothing left, you know. It's it's a powerful tool.

SPEAKER_04 19:32

Yes, yes. You know, and that and that's where I was, you know, just to to your point when you said it takes so much courage, yeah you know, to show the show people those emotions, you know. So that's something that I am still working through.

SPEAKER_03 19:47

Sure.

SPEAKER_04 19:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 19:50

Well, we're all a work in progress. That's the key to it.

SPEAKER_04 19:55

Yes, yeah, for sure. So moving on to the first verse, I started saying, this is not the way to go. I know you're out of control at a fork in the road. Here's some things that you should know. Trauma will make you miserable. It grows and grows like toxic mold. Trust me, I know. I was victimized at eight years old, a secret I kept and didn't tell a soul. I thought I was alone, and that thought made me intolerable. No one understands me, not even family, so I thought. Even to me, I was a mystery with a fire burning in my heart. I was consumed because I suppressed it and wouldn't talk about the secret I had locked, thinking they would go away like a stowaway, but they did not. What is suppressed is expressed and eventually comes out. The only question is how. You can do what I did and shut your mouth until you explode and end up hurting someone else. Or you can seek out a therapist and start getting help. I wish I knew then, but I know now. I'm talking to the young me.

SPEAKER_00 20:59

This call and your telephone number will be monitored and recorded.

SPEAKER_04 21:03

I'm talking to the young me as I'm writing this down. Took the pain from my childhood and forged it into a crown. Gasoline. That's my workbook.

SPEAKER_03 21:13

Nice.

SPEAKER_04 21:15

Yeah. So the takeaways for this poem for me is is trauma will make you miserable. It grows and grows like toxic mold. And for me, I spent my life running thinking that was the way to deal with it. You know, like if I didn't face it, eventually it's just gonna like fade away.

SPEAKER_02 21:41

Right.

SPEAKER_04 21:42

And the whole time it was controlling me like the puppet master.

SPEAKER_03 21:48

Sure. It's right near right in your core. You can't get away from it. It is you.

SPEAKER_04 21:55

Yes. And it's toxic.

SPEAKER_02 21:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 22:01

And it it will keep on just growing and growing. And it's to me because remember, those accidents, right? So the accidents make I make bad decisions, and then these bad decisions keep piling up.

SPEAKER_03 22:12

Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 22:12

And then the regrets from those bad decisions pile up, and then I I feel shame for those bad decisions. And and so it's just like these things just keep piling up and piling up.

SPEAKER_03 22:23

Well, there's another element to it as well, is you know, with the analogy of the the vehicle that's been in an accident, every time that you get in an accident and you damage a a a part and you don't fix it, it makes it more likely to have another accident.

SPEAKER_04 22:41

Right. Yeah. And that's the whole thinking of like, you know, why I created that metaphor because what the the the other part of the metaphor was like I could, you know. So when I when I when I experienced this trauma, you ever had a I don't know if you ever had so back in the You know, in the in in these underserved areas, you know, you don't necessarily I didn't go fix my car. I would make adjustments. So I had a car that used to pull to the right. Right? And and so the way I would do it is I have to make adjustments by pulling to the left just to drive straight.

SPEAKER_03 23:19

Sure. Oh no, I So I didn't go get the I know exactly what you're talking about.

SPEAKER_04 23:25

Right? And so and that's how to me that's that was my life. It's it's I just constantly kept making adjustments around the accidents instead of getting the repairs done. You know, but those adjustments was not sufficient.

SPEAKER_02 23:45

Right.

SPEAKER_04 23:46

You know, and eventually led to another accident.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 23:50

Which led to other adjustments that had to be made, which led to more accidents.

SPEAKER_03 23:56

Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 23:57

So it was this this which again, doing what we're doing now was the only way to deal with it was I needed to get into uh I need to get into a healing group, a repair shop.

SPEAKER_03 24:07

Right.

SPEAKER_04 24:08

I needed to um start processing.

unknown 24:10

Yeah.

Suppression Becomes Explosion

SPEAKER_03 24:11

Well the more levels uh the more levels of dysfunction you have, the more the more adjustments you have to make, the harder it is just to exist. You know, you're you're you're putting on this this mask and that, you know, worrying about this thing and that thing, and before you know it, you know, just to go down the road, it you're doing five different weird things that take a lot of your energy and resources, and it it's hard to do the simplest task anymore.

SPEAKER_04 24:43

Right, yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's the story of my life. Story of my life. So another takeaway here was a secret I kept and didn't tell a soul. I thought I was alone, and that thought made me intolerable. No one understands me, not even my family, so I thought. Even to me, I was a mystery with a fire burning in my heart. And that's the thing, like, I learned now, it it was such a lonely place to think like I thought this only happened to me. This didn't happen to no one else, this only happened to me. And no one understands me. You know? And I didn't even understand myself. Which reminds me of like how I used to go through life trying to get people to understand me when I didn't even understand myself.

SPEAKER_02 25:36

Right.

SPEAKER_04 25:37

You know, trying to get people to accept me when I didn't accept myself for the things that happened to me.

SPEAKER_02 25:44

Right.

SPEAKER_04 25:46

You know? I was consumed because I suppressed Well, let me talk about that. I was in mystery with a fire burning in my heart. That's that place where that rage was born at, right? When I talk about that fire in my heart, I talk about that rage. I was consumed because I suppressed and wouldn't talk about the secrets I had locked. Thinking they would go away like a throwaway, but they did not. What is suppressed is expressed and eventually come out. The only question is how. And that and that is to take away like for for everyone, it looks different for everyone, you know.

SPEAKER_00 26:25

It could be a gambling addiction, it could be a sex addiction, it could be this call and your telephone number will be monitored and recorded.

SPEAKER_04 26:33

It could be violence, it could be workaholic, you could become an addiction. You know, there's so many different ways that this can come out.

SPEAKER_03 26:39

Hundred percent.

SPEAKER_04 26:41

And there's no and I'm not the judge to say that the way it came out in my life is better than the way it came out in your life, or vice versa. Right? The better it came out in your life is you know, it came out better in your life than it came out in my life. It's like it just all manifests differently.

SPEAKER_03 27:00

Exactly. We're also unique. There's no there's little boxes we put people in, but not like this. It's it's it's it's a unique experience every time.

SPEAKER_04 27:12

Yeah. Yeah. So when you take that route, the following takes place. You can do what I did and shut your mouth until you explode and end up hurting someone else. Or you can seek out a therapist and start getting help. And the suppression leads to an explosion. You know, and it and it's only a matter of time, you know, before the an explosion takes place.

SPEAKER_00 27:44

You have sixty seconds remaining.

SPEAKER_04 27:46

This is unprocessed trauma. You know, that that reminds me of my acronym for bombs. I created this acronym for bombs called buried offenses emerge beneath the surface.

SPEAKER_03 28:04

All right. You know, you know, they call somebody a a ticking time bomb, you know, when you got too many things stacked up. They said that that's that's a term they use. This guy's a ticking time bomb just ready to go off.

SPEAKER_04 28:19

Yeah. Exactly. It's just these things just add up until the point where one is outside of their window of tolerance and they explode. So to prevent that explosion, the best thing that I could recommend that I wish I would have done is seek out a therapist, start getting help.

SPEAKER_03 28:41

And and a therapist can mean, you know, somebody who's a doctor, you know, a a psychotherapist, or it could mean a it could mean a counselor, a a priest, or, you know, a it could be an uncle. I mean, you know, there's there's a lot of different ways that could that could take place. But somebody who is actually trustworthy and knowledgeable and has tools to help you uh solve this issue.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

Yes, I agree. Just somebody you could talk to, right?

SPEAKER_03 29:14

Exactly, exactly. Uh yeah, so we were talking about the therapist, and uh you know, I I I was just mentioning to Ad and I here that you know a therapist can be a doctor, you know, a psychotherapist, or it could be a it could be a counselor or a priest or an uncle or somebody who you trust and and has your best interest in mind and knows a few tools to help you heal.

SPEAKER_04 29:42

Yeah. And that, you know what, it reminds me in my in my course, it's not only in the trauma talks curriculum, there's a book that was published by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey called What Happened to You. I definitely would recommend people to read that book if it's called What Happened to You. But he also describes the best form of therapy is a healthy relationship.

SPEAKER_03 30:07

Yes.

The Car Repairs Metaphor

SPEAKER_04 30:07

And this is like, you know, something that again, this is based on a lot of the new science, but he said the best therapist or therapy is a healthy relationship. So if you if any one of us know a healthy person in our life, you know, that's the best form, and even me as I'm studying to be an alcohol and drug counselor, and that is one of the most important things that we have to we're supposed to build with the client. It's that therapeutic relationship.

SPEAKER_03 30:39

Absolutely. And and it in that in that dynamic, the the relationship partner is somebody who will be honest with you and will accept you for who you are and they'll tell you what they think. So these are difficult to find outside of a good relationship.

SPEAKER_04 31:01

Yeah, yeah. So that's that's yeah, healthy, you know, because I I I believe that's the key word, you know, healthy relationships is the best form of therapy. And we have to make sure that the people that we're we're connecting with it it's healthy, you know. But yeah, in that sense, uh to where they'll give us that honest assessment. So so moving on to verse two, here's a little bit about how I used to respond. I was the Vala cow type, a callous man with no emotion, out of touch with reality, childhood trauma had me broken, victimized my family with selfishness when in motion. Society came next, and that's the reason why I wrote this. A note itself for younger me with fresh wounds open, with nowhere to turn to extinguish to extinguish the coals that are smoldering. Anger starts to burn, and they're convinced that they can hold it in, suffering in silence until it's too late. It becomes stronger than them. As love turns to hate, they lose their way, resorting to violence. This becomes your fate when you try to keep your secrets quiet. Don't wait to tell someone, it's a mistake to minimize it. The pain gets worse the more you run and try to deny it. Confront your trauma before you develop negative vices. Cross set threshold, innocence is the first thing that addicts. Callousness plus running from trauma equals drug addicts or alcoholics trying to kill the pain that they are drowning in.

SPEAKER_03 32:34

Wow, that's heavy.

SPEAKER_04 32:38

Yeah. So we already talked about the callousness, but out of touch with reality. So that was kind of like my delusional, you know, dissociation, walking around like life was a dream more than a reality itself. Now the note to note itself for younger me with fresh wounds open, with nowhere to turn to extinguish the coals that are smoldering. And that was the the main problem is it's it's for most of the kids growing up today in the urban areas or inner cities. Like where is where is the help? You know, to deal with the stuff that is going on there. Where is that help? And so that's one of the reasons why I turned to rapping. And my goal as a as a rapper was to put my insights in the form of rap songs because rap is very it's it it's it's influential.

SPEAKER_03 33:44

Yeah, yeah. So it's a language that these kids are listening to.

SPEAKER_04 33:52

Say that again?

Bombs And Getting Real Help

SPEAKER_03 33:53

It's a language that the youngsters are listening to.

SPEAKER_04 33:57

Yeah, and and and and we learn negative, so later on we'll talk about auto auto hypnosis. Right? And so auto hypnosis is is is this thing that happens right as we listen to something repetitively. And so that's as imagine that happening, you know, listening to negative music, you know, this auto hypnosis that happens. But so what I did was I said, well, if it works in the negative sense, it can work in a positive sense. So that's why I turned to this to to writing like this and in and and and putting all my insights into rap lyrics, because I've realized I said I can I can help download and pass so even if there's no therapist that they can actually contact or counselors or whatever, it's like just by listening to the song, hopefully, you know, they'll pick up some insights in the importance of so that's what I hope this these songs do.

SPEAKER_03 34:52

Nice. I like it.

SPEAKER_04 34:55

Now this now this is a uh as anger starts to burn and they are convinced that they can hold it in, and that was me, like as my my rage, that fire that I was talking about, and they began to want revenge and want to act out. The the the delusional part for me was uh and the naive part was thinking that I can actually hold it in. And that created a suffering and silence until it was too late, it becomes stronger than them. Right? As love turns to hate, they lose their way, resorting to violence. Now I was victimized by people that people I love. And it created this conflict of wanting to hate someone for what they did, but it goes against my biological instinct to love my family.

SPEAKER_02 35:56

Right.

SPEAKER_04 35:58

And so there's that there was this conflict now of wanting to hate, but how do you hate those you're supposed to love? You know, and imagine again young Juan having to deal with this reality. It's like how do I love someone that I that I hate but they did? You know? So that's my d as love return to hate, they they or you can say me, I say they, I speak in the third person. They lose their way, resorting to violence. This becomes your fate when you try to keep your secrets quiet. Don't wait to tell someone, it's a mistake to minimize it. And and that was that was that was pretty much my story in a nutshell. Um and which lead which leads to the last part. Callousness plus running from trauma equals drug addicts or alcoholics trying to kill the pain that they're drowning in. And this was the this was the road to addiction. You know, um, as we learn as we learn in trauma talks, addiction became a way to turn down the volume of the pain that I was feeling inside. So to me, it wasn't it wasn't a problem, it was a solution. Because it helped me to feel alive, like I you know, it helped me to feel like I was thriving. It took me out of the that unpleasant reality and and and all of a sudden everything felt like it was all good.

SPEAKER_03 37:31

It gave you a break.

SPEAKER_04 37:32

But it gave me a what?

SPEAKER_03 37:37

It gave you a break.

SPEAKER_04 37:40

Yeah. It gave me a break from the misery.

SPEAKER_05 37:43

Right.

SPEAKER_04 37:44

You know, all the all the insecurities and everything else that was going on inside of me. It gave me a break from that.

SPEAKER_05 37:50

Yep.

SPEAKER_04 37:51

You know, only to return once you know, I wasn't high anymore.

SPEAKER_03 37:57

Exactly. Comes back even worse every time.

SPEAKER_04 38:01

And then it created that cycle, yeah, needing to get high to get rid of the misery, and then being miserable because I needed being miserable until I was high.

SPEAKER_03 38:12

Exactly.

Therapy As A Healthy Relationship

SPEAKER_04 38:14

Yeah. So yeah, so I hope these I hope this was some insight for the youth. And the reason why this form popped up because I know that some of the guests, people who requested to be guests on your show, they work with the youth, they work with people in their homes. And so I was like, you know what? Hopefully this is some ammunition for them and understanding who they're dealing with. Maybe this to be maybe something that they can give them to listen to and maybe they can find some encouragement. But one thing that I would must say that the whole purpose of sharing all of this too was I wish and I want to encourage the adults, whoever you are, is really considered if you have that relationship with a child or is to ask them what is what's going on. You know, I wish to some degree, even though I would have denied it probably, I wish someone would have asked me it if if if I was sexually abused.

SPEAKER_03 39:16

Sure.

SPEAKER_04 39:17

You know, and it's just it's just amazing that no one even even thought to ask me the question. You know, they saw my behavior, you know, I went from an innocent kid who didn't like to fight anybody and all these other different things, and you know, to this all of us suddenly with all these anger problems, raise problems, and you know, no one bothered to ask like what happened? What happened to you? You know, as the book says. No one bothered to ask that question. They just began to see me through my disruptive behavior, my problematic behavior. And so they just began to label me and see me through that, and instead of the hurt and the pain that I had that I didn't know how to process.

SPEAKER_03 40:05

You know, I think it's a very layered reason though. I I I I think members of the family and loved ones, there's two elements. Number one, they don't want to even acknowledge that that could have possibly happened. And number two, it's it's uh it's something uh it's it's difficult to broach. You know, it's it's uh it takes a it takes a crazy and good and kind and loving person to even think that that's a possibility with that kind of behavior. And that's where that's so it's so important because maybe somebody who's listening to this is gonna look at a young one who's been acting out and think to themselves, oh whoa, maybe that's because of some trauma. Because we don't know. You know, you have a young kid who's acting out, you think ah, they're just whatever, you know, they just have issues. You don't nobody wants to think that something like that might be the reason why.

SPEAKER_04 41:12

Yeah, well, I can tell you from personal experience from a man who has sat in groups for like the past twenty years or so. I mean, just living in this environment that that is most likely, because you can never say with an absolute, that is most likely exactly what is happening. You know, the child has been traumatized by some type of an experience.

SPEAKER_05 41:38

Right.

When Trauma Fuels Addiction

SPEAKER_04 41:39

And so that that behavior, um, like I said, it's it's I was surprised when I when in a in a in a group when you know, w one one man or just all the men, I just had to do this. I was just like 'cause I I used to hear just men this one's talked about being sexually abused, this one's talking about sexual abuse, this one. And I just asked like, how many of you guys have been sexually? Right. And, you know, every last yeah, almost every last one of us raised our hands. Right. And, you know, you had this you had this me too movement that was going on, you know. And even um one of the guests in Empathy and Action said, What about the men though?

SPEAKER_05 42:25

Right.

SPEAKER_04 42:26

And that's the thing about society, it's like we get dismissed, we're we're disregarded. It's like it doesn't matter what type of stuff we've been through.

SPEAKER_03 42:34

Exactly.

SPEAKER_04 42:35

You know. And it's if if you want to talk about being fair, it's like, how fair is that? Like, as children, yeah, you can look at it as men now, but as children, some of the worst things that can happen to anybody happen to them. And doesn't that like doesn't that count for something?

SPEAKER_03 42:54

Well, and the thing is, is you know, people get hung up on this group or that group, and the truth is all lives matter. Every single one of us, we're all the same, you know, especially as children. And and you know, it's easy to to to pick out one group or another and and say, well, these people and this person, but like you said, boy, you know, nobody thinks nobody thinks that that's a group of of vulnerable human beings. But it turns out that they are a hugely vulnerable group of human beings. All right. So we're running a little bit long on this session, so I wanna I want to bring around, you know, this has been a lot of good information and what a story. I think that this is really a you know, I think we're laying out some tools that I'm hoping a lot of people pick up. And and not only the people that have been through trauma and and listen to these messages that you have, you know. I don't know if you remember there was a program that they called Scared Straight, and they had a bunch of guys from FreeStation that they would talk about their reality and all that. And the the whole idea was to you know, listen to some of these better and and hopefully not make those mistakes. I think in some way it just mirrors some of that you're just sharing your real life experience. I know there are so many of you that have been through what I've been through on some level. I have to think you've got to people who I mean. or those bullies or those whatever the the issue is or maybe the ones that get caught up in drugs early or alcohol or whatever the issue is and think that maybe they're like you said there's likely very likely almost a hundred almost a certainty that there's a major trauma behind it all yeah absolutely absolutely and I dare like you know when I was when I was acting out you know what I would have what I wish would have happened although I so I was pushing people away um but it was almost as if I was pushing them away in hope that they would not that they would love me enough to not allow me to push them away.

Rap As Positive Repetition

SPEAKER_04 45:51

You know I get it like it's you know like love me enough to be pushing you know yeah I mean I I get like what I was you know and don't get me wrong I had people that were trying to talk to me I had people that were trying to give me some advice about what I'm what I was going through. So you know that that's part of the reason why I became the man that I am today. Because of all the uh like you know my brothers and them as they got older my older sisters you know they used to as I was starting to struggle and act out they used to talk to me and there was a few couple different people used to talk to me and by then it was a little too late but they still planted the seed and that's why I talk to people today. Even when you think you're not listening I know for a fact I would have sworn I even wrote a song for my mom talking about how what she said went through one air and out the other. But it didn't they were planting seeds and it just took the right time and place for those seeds that they planted to grow. And so I'm the product now of all those seeds that people planted in me with all their wisdom years ago that finally started to sprout.

SPEAKER_03 47:09

100% hundred percent and it I think it's important that people realize that you know whatever you do, whatever you say, even whatever you think, you're planting seeds wherever you go all those all those an expression, uh a a word, uh whether it's kind or angry, you're planting seeds wherever you go Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 47:33

I mean and and the big thing is is don't expect change overnight. Like, you know who plants a seed and go out the next day and expect uh there's something to be spotted. Exactly I mean if you did then you didn't plant it deep enough right you're just gonna be eating that seed Yeah but we do that right we'll we'll give somebody like some jewels like we'll like you know everything that we're sharing here and say okay tomorrow there should be a change in your life.

SPEAKER_03 48:05

You're gonna be all better now.

SPEAKER_04 48:06

That's not at work. No you you need to be good by tomorrow or it didn't work.

SPEAKER_03 48:11

And it's like no that's not put in the work yeah everything you gotta put in the work Yeah and I it reminds me of this this uh this older gentleman told me he says hey seeds have to grow down before they grow up true you know and and that's just like all the wisdom you know so before you see anything on the surface there's still something happening under the surface well Jay it's it's this has been a great episode I I I really think that we're getting deep into this and I I I gotta think that there are people now that are getting a hold of this and and I gotta think that we're affecting some people Yeah I mean even if it's one exactly help one person you know you're like you're a success in itself because that one person might help a thousand or two thousand or ten thousand you know and so the yeah it's in our favor regardless but I would like to just say that you know in in regards to secrets you know for anyone who's holding on to a secret based on their childhood trauma or anything it's like just understand you're like me in a sense like a prisoner.

Ask Kids What Happened

SPEAKER_04 49:34

You're a prisoner to that secret and as someone who understands the power like I understand the power that secrets have over you in in the sense that there is no healing without exposure. And so I encourage you like to want your healing more than you want that secret. And trust me for someone who finally broke that vow to myself that I would never tell it wasn't as bad as I thought. And on the opposite was true. I was met with so much compassion and vulnerability and connection through humanity so hopefully this will give you the courage to start thinking about if you have made that vow not to tell someone happy maybe this should give you the the courage to start thinking about that you can break that vow like I broke that vow to myself.

SPEAKER_03 50:24

Well that is definitely inspirational and and I I I hope somebody picks it up and runs with it. Well this has been another episode of the Healthy Living Podcast I'm your host Joe Grumbine and I want to thank all of the listeners who've made this show possible and one I want to thank you for making this this new series really taking off.

Planting Seeds And Closing Message

SPEAKER_01 50:46

So I will thank you Joe you bet and we will see you all next time they put the door the same