Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
From Teen Rooms to Dorm Rooms: Navigating Responsibility and Freedom
Ever wondered how your upbringing influences your parenting style?
This episode takes a deep dive into the challenges and strategies of teaching teens responsibility and efficiency. Janice and Jane share relatable anecdotes about motivating teenagers to complete chores and the delicate balance of fostering independence without overstepping. We explore how our own teenage years shape our parenting decisions today, and offer practical advice on setting clear expectations and handling parental guilt. Tune in for invaluable tips and recommended reads like "The Price of Privilege" to help navigate these emotional landscapes.
Preparing teens for college life is another focal point, where we discuss not just organizational skills and shared household duties, but also the crucial transition towards financial independence. From setting clear expectations about responsibilities to negotiating roommate agreements, we emphasize the importance of open communication and real-time reminders. As your teens step into adulthood, we guide you through balancing financial support with fostering their independence. This episode is your comprehensive guide to creating a cooperative household environment and preparing your kids for the world beyond home.
Want to pose a problem, dilemma, or question for us to debate? Send us a note at dumpsterdivejj@gmail.com - we might just invite you to record the episode with us!!
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you're listening to dumpster diving with janice and jane, and we are here on a sunday, sunny, sunday morning morning, girl morning, which is why it's only tea okay it's oh well, and it's only coffee just chill everybody chill, I don't, I was out of cups neither one of us have a substance in us right now, so you might want to just like push done and skip this recording, cause it's probably going to be low, janice stop lying to them.
Speaker 1:We are high on life. Oh, but no, I do have something running through my veins. We are high on life. It's blue and if you didn't notice, on my shirt, yeah, and, and I was like it popped out of my drawer and I was like I haven't worn that yet, I'll wear it today. And then I was like I wonder who the Dodgers are playing today.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, I wanted you to say I wonder who the Dodgers are.
Speaker 1:No, no, the Dodgers are playing somebody I never heard of, the Padres, I don't know. So, yeah, and they've, they played them twice already and beat them, and then they have like this third game, just to like come on the way out the door. And so I was like, oh, oh, I really am going to wear this dad shirt today.
Speaker 2:If we had more time, I would go get my Padres gear, but we don't, so I won't. I don't need to be wearing a shirt to support.
Speaker 1:You're not a true fan.
Speaker 2:They know this is way more authentic.
Speaker 1:Like I look on your face is really the most authentic thing that I've seen all morning.
Speaker 2:I'm pulling it off, though. I'm completely pulling this logic off. Oh, okay, anyways, all right, you and your.
Speaker 1:Dodgers, whatever Blue is running through my veins today. You know we have to make it every time we meet and everybody needs to know this. If you don't know now, you know we've only known each other almost two years, so we have a lot of like bullshit to get through Long.
Speaker 2:I mean you're right, just only Very long, very long.
Speaker 1:But you know we need. We need to get all the tough love out and everything.
Speaker 2:So I'm glad that you guys are lost time, yeah, yeah, and you guys get a front row ticket, which reminds me, by the way, um, we, okay, we have our conversation we're having today and I don't want to derail us but, um, in line with our 23andme um history, I've heard. So, you and I, when we were together this summer, one of the things that we shared was that that show right, the dad with a man with a thousand kids.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, the man with a thousand kids.
Speaker 2:And then I just heard, like on a different podcast that I listened to a woman tell her story about, and it was kind of like that right, kind of like that like a doctor who was doing we got to have an episode on that. So let's remind ourselves doctor who was doing.
Speaker 1:We got to have an episode on that. So let's remind ourselves. Oh, and let's not not to mention all of the weird reels I've been sending you where people are recording their family members out in the streets Like, hey, how many kids do you have? I have 43 daughters and 62 sons. Get out of here and 162 grandchildren get out of here.
Speaker 2:It's making me want okay, all right so for future reference. Listen, everybody. We're going to do an episode um based on that idea of like how 23andme, ancestrycom, etc. Are helping people. But with it um this documentary this I think it's documentary especially on the man with a thousand kids. So if you want to know what the heck we're talking about, watch it up, jane, if you want to make you know, if you want, if you want to know what we're talking about, make sure you watch it, because we'll probably do that one next weekend.
Speaker 1:Put it out to you guys like sometime in september, but anywho yeah, and that's probably going to be more of a fireside chat, because I'm going to say the fuck a lot like it was crazy. So, yeah, all the screeners.
Speaker 2:Ok so, but today we're doing we had so much fun, you guys, with the last episode where we did the Reddit roulette hashtag. That's trademark, so don't steal it from us. We're basically it's like listen, we're being that I'm calling it the Ann Landers of our time because she was our columnist in my where I grew up but we're just going to use the expertise that we bring to the table to like tackle some things that people are putting as real problems, if you will, in this particular. So we have two today, Jane, you're going first what you got for us.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, with the, the theme of our children, you know, I mean, parenting is a huge theme with our podcast and with our listeners, and it's never going to go away. Once you're a parent, you're always a parent and even when you're not a parent, you are parents to other people your siblings and everything else through the roles that we play, right. So at some point in time, you're going to parent somebody. But it's the simplest things that we get caught up in and make our parenting style and mold us, and it's also the way that we were raised and everything else. And so, with that, because Janice and I had such stellar um examples of parents, um, I mean, it gives us all of the credit to to do this, but actually it's it had more to do with the way that we um saw, are the world around us filtered, that our outlook, personal outlook and knowing that we could do a around us. Filtered that our outlook, personal outlook and knowing that we could do a lot better of a job. So parenting is a fun one for us because we have fun parenting our kids.
Speaker 1:I don't think that it's been a very long time where I've been like, holy shit, I can't wait till you. I've never said that to one of my kids, like I can't wait till you're 18 and out of my face and you're not my responsibility. I've never, ever thought that, about that, yep, though I was told that a million times when I was a kid, so you know, like you know, so you remember those things. But we're we're doing a little bit of Reddit roulette. So my topic today is the question of um the day is how can teenagers make the simplest task take 10 times longer than it would a normal human? That's the headline.
Speaker 1:And I laughed when I saw that, because this is not uncommon. I mean, I've even thought this before before I became a coach and really started paying attention and all of those things. So you know. The short story is I put a week's worth of laundry on my 14 year old's bed the late afternoon still there, nearly 2am. When I tell him to put it, put it up now, it takes him almost 15 minutes of actually working on it. I even had the hangers laying out for him already. Perpetual sloth mode is is all I can figure. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe doing laundry isn't your child's favorite thing to do. And if you thought back when you were 14 and your parent asked you to put away your laundry, how enthusiastic were you about putting away laundry.
Speaker 2:Can't wait, let's do it.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, can I please? No, I was folding everybody else's fucking laundry, you know, and putting it away and everything else. And and I think that you know, for this or anything that you're asking your child to do, when you do 90 of it and then tell them to do that last 10, they look at you like why can't you do that last 10%? So if you make the whole process their issue, they appreciate only having to do 10% of it. So I mean, like that's my thought on it.
Speaker 1:But that's obviously somebody that doesn't ask their you know, I'm assuming that doesn't ask their kid to do a lot. So the little bit that they ask them to do and they drag their feet on look, they're going to drag their feet on whether it's a big project or a little project. All right, it's not something they want to do. So what do we need to do? You know how do we get them to do it. You motivate, you help them, you give them directions. You know, like a lot of times kids drag their feet on things because they don't know how to do it that's right.
Speaker 1:You know and don't want to ask because we usually go oh, are you serious? You serious, it's so easy. You've seen me do it a million times. Why aren't you doing it? You know like I mean, what else do I need to do? Yep, instead of just going oh, I'm sorry you don't understand. Here, let me show you. No, you, you, you hold the broom this way. No, you fold it this way so it doesn't come unfolded. Here's how to hang it on a hanger properly. Here, let me help you. We have to be those nurturing parents, we have to guide them along and stuff like that. Now, now, if you've done all those things and your kid is still being lazy, then they're probably just being lazy and you need to just tell them do it now please. And the operative word is now, not later, when you get a chance, having clear direction, you know, and and being able to say here's my expectations.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And this is what I expect and this is how I'm going to hold you accountable. So it's more of a hey, I did all of your laundry. All I need you to do is put it away. So take the next 15 minutes to put away your laundry now, so you don't have to do it later. I'll be back to check in a couple of minutes, see ya, and then that's it. And then you come back in 15 minutes and if it's not done, then you take something away or whatever. Whatever your consequences, hey, if you're not going to that birthday party, if you don't get those put away in the next 15 minutes, yeah, okay, and then you follow up. So I know that's like kind of blasted in there, in kind of a nutshell, but what are your thoughts? Those are my thoughts. What are your thoughts?
Speaker 2:So much fun. I loved this prompt when you chose it because, um, you know, everybody who's been listening for a hot minute knows that Joe and I have a blended family, so we have six kids between our youngest 17. So when a couple of the older ones right Like, like so, pre my relationship with Joe, when it was me in Montana, and said I kind of, even as an educator and a school principal, I fell into this strategy because, like most people, right Like I think that you know, we, many of us, live either in single parent households or double parent households, but everybody's working, everybody's busy, everybody's crazy. So that was me Right, especially as a school principal. And so I erred on the side of doing all the things for my kids because it was making up for how guilty I felt about not being there dragging on to events, all the things.
Speaker 2:There's a powerful book that was written like 20 years ago called the Price of Privilege, and it's about this exact thing, right, about how we've overdone for our kids to make up for all that stuff that we feel guilty about anyway. So it's a great book. I'd go recommend it, even though it's probably at least 20 years old now. So when Montana and Sid, the moment, what I realized with them is they were like middle school ish aged and like this mom, right, I had done the laundry, just wanted you to put it away. And that flip side of it was doing the laundry. You know I would go to put their laundry in the machine and like their jeans were half in and half out and they're right so a lot of extra laundry, right?
Speaker 2:um, and so I finally just said okay, here's the thing. It's important for you guys to learn how to do your own laundry, if you value the fact that I do it. Here are the conditions that have to be met. Pants have to be the way you want it. I should just be able to take it and put it in the thing, and when that doesn't happen, you will do your own laundry. Well, guess what? It took two seconds for that not to happen and for them to then transition.
Speaker 2:So, from that point forward again you said it earlier, jane, because you talked about modeling right you don't just tell them to do it and assume they know how to do it, even though you feel like they should. We have to. Our kids are learning, just like we're constantly learning, so thinking about them as learners in every situation is really helpful, right? And so I just walked them through. Here's how you do it. Here's how you separate it. If you choose to be, you know, more efficient AKA teenage lazy and throw it all in, great, you're going to get what you get Like. That's all you right?
Speaker 1:And everything else.
Speaker 2:They did it and from that point forward they did their own laundry. So by the time our now 17 year old Kimmy was, you know, I think sixth, seventh grade it was, we knew it already. We just we taught her, she did it and she does it right, that's what she, her laundry, her thing. Now flash forward, now she's 17. Right, and she, she's been doing her own laundry for years, right. But yesterday I went, I had this thing cause her.
Speaker 2:She is not one of our neat free children. So her room is a disaster and that's a part of it is from the perspective of like. Part of my advice, as you were talking, was you got to pick your battles, right, you got to pick your battles. So my whole thing is like your room, your space, and, and except for when I need dishes because you've collected so many, like do you I'll shut your door, or towels, or towels are the big one. So her room has been a disaster and so I said, planted the seed a couple of weeks ago. I think it'd be a great idea for you to start senior year with your space calm and soothing and organized, because chaos around you does impact us. That there's resources.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So she was on board with it. She did a few things. She kind of did this. Did she do it exactly like I would have done it? No, et cetera. And then we agreed yesterday, while she was at work, I was going to go in and I was going to help fine tune it, et cetera.
Speaker 2:But one of the things that ties to this is, in the middle of her bed, huge pile of clean laundry, Cause she does laundry at like 1am, whatever, as long as you get up for school, I don't care. Um, and so, as a part of organizing, I folded it all and put I can't remember the last time I folded her laundry and put it in her drawer. So when she came back, I had rearranged the furniture, I all, all the things she and I had talked about all the day. It was all organized. But the thing she said first was where's all my laundry? And I said I folded it and put it away. And she hugged me oh, so grateful, because and you said it, Jane, when you do all the things, then, yeah, they're going to look at you and be like finish it Like you did all this, why should I be doing it?
Speaker 2:But when you don't and they do it, they actually are grateful. When you do the little things.
Speaker 1:Yes, because they appreciate it. Because that little thing, like if you think about folding laundry, that's the most tedious part of it and putting it away and making room, and and half the time they haven't even purged their old clothes. So now they're shoving it in and now I'm going to get yelled at because it's coming out, but if I just leave it in the basket it's a little bit better. You know, and and these are the, this is the process they go through up in their room and you are 100% correct about the chaos and the room. Like even with with my youngest Jenny, you know she would get stuck on cleaning her room and finally I was like, do you even know where to start? She's like no, and she was overwhelmed and I said, okay, level one take all the trash out. Yep, stuff that you know is trash, yep, take it out. Level two pick up all the dirty clothes. Level three let's go through your dressers and pull out all the clothes that you don't wear. Level four let's do the laundry we need to do, because we're not washing the old shit that's going to the Goodwill we're not doing, you know. So we separate that.
Speaker 1:And if you, if you walk them through and go through each level, especially when you have a kid that has like a monstrosity of a room. They need that guidance, they need that grace and that help, because then that helps them troubleshoot and process and figure out their process on how to get from being overwhelmed and to an end goal. And all we're doing is teaching them how to project manage. We're doing them a favor and yelling at them and telling them they're not doing it fast enough or punishing them or whatever is not helping. If you haven't done all the things now, they're just being straight out lazy and they need to be grounded, for whatever reason, fine. But if you haven't done those things first, guys, and they need to be grounded for whatever reason, fine. But if you haven't done those things first, guys, we're failing them.
Speaker 2:The problem is almost both of us, right. It's almost never only the parent is the problem or only the teen is the problem, right? The problem is always a shared thing, right, Absolutely. And what I'm gonna lift up, based on what you just said, is I love the stages that you just gave and it reminded me I watched a reel this week on Instagram and it was a I don't know how old he was let's call him late twenties, maybe young man and the video was for other men, young men and how to clean their houses, their apartments, whatever. And he did exactly what you just did. He said start with decluttering, throw away the trash, dah, dah, dah. Then you're going to do this, then you're going to start from top to bottom, clean the highest things all the way down to the floor. And I was like, oh my God, every man I've ever known needs to see this video, Cause it was from a guy to a guy, right. So it was such a great little, but it pertained exactly to what you just said.
Speaker 2:And the other step I'll say is that, um, you said earlier kind of giving them time periods and checking on them. That's super helpful. And I remember, you know, when some of my kids were younger, I would literally sit in their room from in a corner with a book and I'd say, first you got to do this and then they do it while I sat there and read. And then they asked me questions in the moment if they had a question and I was right there. And then I'd say, ok, now it's time to do this. That's how you model Right. It's not just by saying do you know, we? There's so much research that shows when, once you get past that second step, when you say it out loud, they have forgotten it.
Speaker 2:I also use the phone like crazy. Like yesterday I had to leave for an appointment and there were like three things that needed to be that left in her room Clean her closet doors because they're glass vacuum and clean off two little shelves that I hadn't gotten to. And so I texted her and I said okay, when you get home from work, these are the three things. And here's the other piece I wanted to lift up that you touched on. And then I gave her an expectation and I said before you go out with Danny tonight, things have to be done, because you're not, you know, and nicely, I didn't say it this way. But the messaging was you don't leave until these are done. And guess what, by the time I got home they were done, like it was an issue because I had set the expectation. And here's the other thing, because she knows, I'll follow through.
Speaker 1:Exactly Because if you know you won't, they will not do it.
Speaker 2:You can set expectations all the time.
Speaker 1:Exactly, jenny has called me out on that. I remember there was this time where I was like okay, we were going into the store and I would always tell them like the answer is no to anything, blah, blah, blah. And then I would always end up buying them something and I'm like why do you always ask me?
Speaker 2:She's like cause you always say yes, I'm like I can't believe she actually let you in on your own psyche.
Speaker 1:I'm like God, you're good, you're so good.
Speaker 2:I gotta teach her better. I'm like God, you're good.
Speaker 2:You're so good, I got to teach her better. I'm going to be like why she's too honest. I know she is too honest. Love that kid.
Speaker 2:So, yes, that's exactly right. Right, when you don't follow through, your kid figures it out and guess what you just. Then you just need to step back and accept the life you've created for yourself Exactly and move. Don't freaking post in Reddit. You created this monster and you're going to keep doing it. So just setting that expectation and the other little quick strategy I'll say is when you're in the moment, and it's something really fast and you just need them to do it right, like maybe you need the dishes from their room because you're going to run the dishwasher right, what I will always do and again, it's all very gentle and lots of times jokingly because it doesn't have to be mean and I'll say and, by the way, I need this right now, so I'm just going to babysit your phone for you while you go. Do that, because that way it gets done. And guess what? Literally, it gets done. It wasn't a consequence, it wasn't a negative, there was no contention. Not going through your phone. They look at you and they go okay, you're right.
Speaker 1:And then they go do it's just a matter of um.
Speaker 2:You mean they sneak back with the giant pile of dishes out of their dishwasher. And then here's your phone and go on about your business and have a great day, right.
Speaker 1:So you don't have to beat them up about it.
Speaker 2:You don't have to beat them up about it. But and lastly, I'm going to lift back up again. You said it and I'm going to repeat it you have to pick your battles right, Like, like I said, day to day. Her room, her space, and this has been true of all her siblings. I don't care what it looks like Like I, as long as I can have my towels, knock yourself out, Right.
Speaker 2:But I do think, with that in mind, you heard me to talk about how we just got it all organized, because I do think that we also and this is going to lead into our next prompt we also do want to help them get ready for life after us, and part of that is teaching them how to do the things right. And even though the room can look like it's going to look, our kids still have responsibilities around our house. There are specific things that they're responsible for, Because all of us have busy lives, All of us have jobs Her job is school and so none of us have time to do any of the things, which is why we have to share them right. We Um, and so none of us have time to do any of the things, which is why we have to share them right.
Speaker 1:We're a community in our home and everybody has to have a part of that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'll, and I'll just my final, my final little thing on it, because you just touched on it is like you know, their room can look like whatever, but at the end of the day, guys, we're still the parents and if we know that our kid does not function in a super dirty room, do what Janice did help her break it down, get, get her ideas, make it a make it a group effort, like a mutually agreed upon goal. Like hey, this is what you want to do with your room. I'm going to assist you in that Cause. I know you're not here every day and I'm going to start doing it, but we're going to do this together. And that was such a beautiful and great plan. Because now she got help, it's a mutually agreed upon goal, you're happy, she's happy and she has a nice clean room to start her senior year. And because that is super important and I do, I do that with my kids too Like hey, it's time to, it's time to refresh the room, you know, and and clear out some old stuff.
Speaker 2:So like.
Speaker 1:I said that chaos is, it bleeds into your brain, man.
Speaker 2:So anyways, and they don't understand that. So the great job. They don't both, and you too, you too, all right. So the second one are we here, we go, here, we go, all right. This is like. I love this because we did like your kind of younger teens, your kids, who are at home right now.
Speaker 2:And now we're going to the other end, and that is many, many, many of our listeners right now are sending their young kids off to young people off to college for the first time Right now. There's lots of different dynamics. Some of you have high school graduates who are going to community college, so they're staying right there. Some of you have grads who are going off to college. Some of you have kids who are going to, you know, technical schools. Some of you maybe have a young high school grad who just enlisted like so many different dynamics, this focus of this particular post is an 18 year old who is going off to college, so they're gonna go live on campus somewhere.
Speaker 2:So that's what this one is toward. My oldest son is moving into the dorms in nine days. I've done a pretty good job with him. I think he's mature, kind, responsible, but I feel like I need some words of wisdom, but mostly like how do I navigate this first? We have to constantly remind ourselves we're learning this stuff too right, like there's no innate part of us who knows how to do this parenting thing beyond keeping them safe in theory right Keeping them safe and alive.
Speaker 2:There is no other innate understanding of parenting, and many of us are in the same role position that Jane and I are in, which is we can't rely on our own experience as kids of good parenting right. So in fact, we do the opposite. What's the opposite of what my parents would have done? That's what I'm saying. So in this case, I love this prompt because, as a school principal, I had many conversations like this with parents, but also we've sent three of our own kids off to college. So I want to say a couple of things and then turn it to you, jane.
Speaker 2:So, first and foremost, I would encourage you not to buy into the idea that college is a practice run at life, and the reason I say that is because so many times I see parents who are funding every single thing. They're doing every single thing. Their kids come home once a month, they do their laundry. They know you don't need to get a job, you just need to enjoy college. After that you're going to go to work and never have a time like this again, et cetera, et cetera, and I don't think that those are beautiful ideas, but my real life experience is that college isn't a practice run. It is life right. It is one phase of a long life journey and by holding off on them, taking any responsibility, holding off for them to have any accountability, holding off by paying for everything, you're just delaying the inevitable right and then you're smacking them into real life in four years where suddenly they have to do all the things at one time.
Speaker 2:So my recommendation for parents in college and I've got I'm going to start with this one and then turn it over to you and then we'll come back to the second one. But the first one is how you use partner with your kid in college to help them begin to live their adult life Right. And that can take a lot of forms. One of the forms in my mind is supporting them as they do things for the first time. It's going to be the first time they have to negotiate space with a roommate Right and negotiate the rules.
Speaker 2:Right, exactly Right. It's going to be the first time that eventually, in year two, they have to actually go get a lease on a place to live off campus. Right, it's going to be the first time for them to do so many things. And so don't do all the things for them. Partner with them, kind of like we were just talking about with the room cleaning. Help, walk alongside them with it so that they're doing it, but they're doing it with your support. So that's the first thing. The first big idea is not to wait and make it you know you become an adult later but rather to help use this time to help build their adult skills, right?
Speaker 1:So no, I agree with that. And and it's really again setting those expectations on what you will help with, what you won't help with. You know, if you get yourself in trouble, like here's the call and this is why, and stuff like that you know. And and also explaining to them that you know, now that you're 18, because most kids going to college are 18, you are 100% responsible for yourself legally and anything that you do. There's nothing that you can do to fall back on me to fix and being able to help them understand that. So if you do buy a car or you get into a contract or you do any of those things, there's nothing I can do to fix it, but what I can do is help guide you before you enter into something like that. So please communicate with us, you know.
Speaker 1:And because a lot of people get into a lot of debt, there's a lot of stuff online about that.
Speaker 1:And there's this one lady I sent you a couple of her, of her videos, I think, and she's she's an Indian American, so she's from India, and she is so funny, but she talks about kids getting into debt and stuff like that. Oh yeah, and the expectations, and she's a comedian as well and she does a stand-up and how she was like as an Indian mother, I'm squashing your dreams of being anything but a doctor and if you don't go after bliss, you're going to be this, and so she's very funny. But she, you're going to be this, you know. And so you know she's very funny, but she's very realistic with her kids and her kids are beautiful and and and well-adjusted and they talk about everything and they have this podcast now and stuff, so it's, it's kind of cool, but just being able to communicate with your children as if they are adults, they're adults and don't don't see them as your kids in that light anymore, because you're not parenting your kid anymore.
Speaker 1:You're guiding a young adult. That's right. That's what it's really about.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, I love that You're not parenting a kid anymore, you're guiding a young adult. That's really powerful. I love that. And so then, building off of that right, the second piece really is that balance of supporting versus doing right, and I'm going to tie in communication to this. So another uh piece that I see parents do is the whole like basically pay for everything right now and that's not helping them, it's not helping them learn right.
Speaker 2:So so here's how we did it right, like we were grateful to be in a position to, um, you know, take on the bulk of our kids college uh responsibilities, and we were fortunate to be able to do that. Like with bulk of our kids' college responsibilities, and we were fortunate to be able to do that, like with one of them through Joe's GI Bill, with another, because you know, he has veteran status, so we got help there. With a third, you know, same idea like she got loans and grants. We were able to contribute, and then she or she got grants, rather, and the only time our kids have had to get student loans is when they made a choice ie, right, I need money to live off of, I'm not going to get a job, so I'm going to get a student loan, that's a choice. Or I'm going to pick a school outside of college or outside of out of state, and so, ok, then you have to pay that extra amount, right, we'll cover down on in-state. But if you go out of state, your choice. But you have to cover down on that part. But anyway. But I'm talking more about, like, get them there, their tuition and books and all the things are paid for. Other stuff, right, like we took care of those things. But you want to join a sorority, that's on you. Your Friday night party, all on you. Your transportation, that's you, right.
Speaker 2:So our kids, we've never bought a kid, a car. They've all had to buy their own, you know. And so it's like you have to be able to pay a car payment and pay for insurance. So how are you going to do that? As a result of those things every single one of our that's not true, but one of them didn't she ended up with student loans and she regrets it now. But most of our kids had jobs during college and the idea was like I'm going to work to pay for all that other stuff and we would always cover down an emergency, right. So when our kids go to college. They can go into the Uber app under my name and if they have an emergency, a hundred percent we're going to pay for an Uber, right, but an emergency isn't. I was drunk off my ass Now we'll still pay for the Uber.
Speaker 2:We want you to use it, but you're paying us back for that right, Because that was a choice.
Speaker 2:It's not for uber eats exactly like oh, I'm hungry you know, because I'm drunk, exactly so, because we right and because they had to pay for sororities, they had to pay for all that stuff. A uh in some, two of the three didn't. One of them joined and then immediately stopped because she was like I, it's not worth all this money. The other one of them paid for every dime, loved it. Her sorority has been a gift to her. And the youngest one, who most recent graduate, didn't do it at all. Because when they have to look at things through the lens of their money, it's a totally different picture than when mom and dad, or whomever, is covering down on it, right?
Speaker 2:So all of that tied to this idea of like let them pay for some of it Again, that's teaching them and it ties to. Of like, let them pay for some of it, again, that's teaching them and it ties to if they're paying for some of it, they're likely going to get a job, and, honestly, not a bad thing for them to have a job during college. It's what leads to internships, it's what leads to networking and connections. And so this idea that, oh no, no, you're going to work for the rest of your life.
Speaker 1:This is the rest of your life. Your college is when you're getting married. Oh, and you start your your marriage. No, you should have already started that shit when you met exactly. That's like just the end goal, right? That's the whole point of point of dating is he always said that I love that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like why are you even? Why are you saying that? And that's where I got it from. Like you know, I love that. No, love that. No, it's already started. So, just like your life is starting, no, no, no, no, no. This is just where I drop off as being responsible for you. And now you're responsible for yourself. Your training wheels are off. That's what we really need to think about is like mom and dad are training wheels. They turn 18, because that's what the law says they turn 18. We got to unscrew those bolts and make sure that they can ride on their own. We'll still hold those for a minute, you know, but we're no longer those training wheels. You're no longer leaning on us like that.
Speaker 2:You know you're just busting out the great analogy, girl. I like it All right. Last piece, then, and it really kind of ties to both the first story and the second story and that's communication, right? So what happens when you take those training wheels off is you put yourself in a position and we actually saw a lot of posts today when we were looking around my kid is 18 now. How do I balance that? So we might need to do an episode on just that, but in terms of your kid, in line with going away to college again, you know, when our kids have been in college, all the parent Facebook groups and stuff I've always been amazed at at what happens in some families, because one of the biggest complaints is, like you know, my kid's an adult now. The school won't talk to me and they won't, by the way, right?
Speaker 2:Nor should they your kid is an adult right, and so how do I know their grades? How do I? And my whole thing has always been listen first off. If you built a relationship all along, this is going to be a non-issue, right. But when you get to school, even though they're 18, if you are funding part of or a chunk of their world hopefully not the whole thing then absolutely there is a skill to be learned in negotiating that right. This is not a free ride. If I am going to contribute to your education, the expectation is you are going to be reporting the results of my investment back to me via your grades, right, that's how that goes.
Speaker 1:I'm an investor into your business.
Speaker 2:It's exactly right, that's it. And the moment you decide you're not going to is the moment my financial support ends, and that's not a threat. That's again. It's not set in a negative light like it's a. It's an agreement, right, and that is real life. You're never going to have a time in life where people are just going to give you money with no strings attached to it. No, like.
Speaker 1:Even with my car, I like as soon as it's the day of. If I don't pay it on that day, the next day they're calling me like. I owe them the world and I'm like exactly.
Speaker 2:So that's it Right. So it's so for me, for us, that has been a non issue, a complete non issue, because it's very simple. We set the expectations up before we write the check, right Before we pay the tuition, before we say, okay, let's agree on what the parameters are going to be. So that's that part, but the second part is just communication. The number of parents I see in these groups are like my kid's been at college for a month and won't call me, they're not answering my texts, they're not. Blah, blah, blah. Again, setting all of that up ahead of time, right?
Speaker 2:Again as a return on my investment. Again, I can't imagine being in that position where my kids wouldn't reach out to me. I think that says that might be a different parenting issue, right, that we, we, we have to tackle. But but, but being able to say you know it goes back to you and I've talked about this before. If you text me and expect a response immediately, then I sure as heck better get a response from you when I text you and if I don't, I just won't be responding to you. Like that's how that goes, right, again, that's real life. So I've never, we've never had that issue. But but again, having the conversation with your kiddo to say, listen, I know you're out there doing you for the first time and I know the training wheels are off, but the fact of the matter is I can't just shut off my worry, I can't just shut off my, so I, we need to let's work out an agreement about the frequency of communication, um, to ensure that we're both okay with it, right, that it's something that works for both of us. So those are some of the big buckets in terms of sending your kiddo off.
Speaker 2:And it was funny because it was really sweet and a lot of comments there. People were like here's an inspirational message. And I was like, okay, that's all well and good, I'm sorry your 18 year old brain child is not like taking that and like write it in a card, right, but like in terms of how you're going to deal with the next year. It's not through inspirational quotes, it's through and again I'm going to go back to how Jane did it Right it is through transitioning with your kid from being the training wheels to the guide. That's how you're going to best support your kiddo as they navigate the next year.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Training wheels are off, but you you have to have some type of manual that you're giving them and some, some guidelines. You got to teach them the street rules of riding the bike alone.
Speaker 2:There you go. Yep, I love that, yeah, I love that, yeah, awesome.
Speaker 1:That was fun. Yeah, it was fun. And and um, I mean, parenting is something that you and I talk about all the time, because we do it all the time, and something that you and I talk about all the time because we do it all the time and we share funny stories and stressful stories and other things, and so I really like the Reddit aspect and I'm almost thinking that we should post a recording on each one of these. Post the recording and see if they I don't know, I don't know.
Speaker 2:We'll have to figure out how we're going to do it, or at the very least oh, that's actually an interesting idea If you can do that right, and at the very least, somehow tag right or send a link.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you talked about your question today.
Speaker 2:I thought you might want to hear our thoughts on it. That is a great idea. I like that. I like that a lot.
Speaker 2:So, but what I love about this is that and hopefully, our listeners are going to as well. Right, like we said in our first episode, doing this, like for us, this is, in part, filling a gap, because we want to be in this space, like, we have so much that we want to share and just organize our thinking is so challenging, and so this is a great way for us to organize by just saying, oh, here's what's timely, relevant People are asking about it right now. Let's do it. But it's in preparation for starting to be inundated with emails from our listeners who are going to be like no, no, I need to talk about this. Forget all those red people. This is important to me right now.
Speaker 2:Right, so, as we're waiting for you guys to send us your emails and, um, and remember, if you send us an email, um, you know we'll do a quick little pre-call with you and, if it makes sense, we'll bring you on and we'll talk about live with you. So you have an opportunity to to do that. So, but, yeah, I love being able to think about all of our, our, our kind of different experiences in this way. So, all right, people like, subscribe, share, do all the things and, more importantly, send us an email we want to talk about your trash yes, please out there.
Speaker 1:I'm sure you're tired of hearing about ours too, I know, but we want to talk about yours.
Speaker 2:All right, you guys all right. Next week we'll see you. Peace out.
