Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
From Weddings to Contracts: Navigating Blended Family Dynamics and Parenting Tips
We are catching up on ALL of the things from Halloween prep to wedding coverage. Wedding talk leads us to a narrative opens up a conversation on the complexities of blended families and the emotional weight that ceremonies can hold.
As we unpack this story, we delve into the heart of family relationships, drawing from personal experiences and reflections on the challenges children face when families blend. We explore the delicate balance of love, acceptance, and inclusion, sharing insights on how to navigate these transitions smoothly. It's all about understanding the emotional tapestry that new family structures weave and the importance of involving children meaningfully, rather than through formal agreements that might not resonate with them.
Wrapping up, we venture into the world of parenting, offering guidance to new parents and those navigating blended family dynamics. From setting consistent ground rules to fostering empathy and understanding, we share practical tips and personal anecdotes to help families thrive. As we celebrate our podcast milestones, we're excited to brainstorm new ideas and keep delivering engaging content that resonates with our listeners. Don't miss out on this episode filled with humor, insight, and heartwarming stories that celebrate family in all its forms.
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Have a story to share? Hoping for some advice - Dumpster style? Reach out to us at dumpsterdivejj@gmail.com
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you're listening to dumpster diving with janice and jane, and what are we talking about today, miss jane?
Speaker 2:um, everybody on youtube, don't you love our eyebrows? We both have really great eyebrows tonight. Thank you, zoom, appreciate that. Um, it's almost halloween it is almost halloween if we're doing this episode. We need to do it next weekend and we need to do like a uh fireside chat.
Speaker 1:Yeah oh yeah, oh, we need to do rose's favorite, the spooky stories that's right, spooky stories.
Speaker 2:We got to do it, um, and we're kind of catching up and this this this week is a reddit episode but on parenting and I'm super excited about it. It ties into for Rose and the other people who listen regularly. We had mentioned we got an email looking for more kind of parenting advice. So we're going to come back to that at the end of the episode because the email was really long. It was about new parents. So we're going to offer just a couple of like nuggets for people to think about as they're having that, preparing for that first child. But the reddit one that we found, you found it right, so you have to read it and it ties in beautifully because, um, we were kind of talking about some stuff from our daughter's wedding and I and and the family stuff that came from that.
Speaker 2:Um, but before that excuse me halloween, we started to say before we push record. So I was in Nevada, in the bowels of Nevada, last week in some really remote areas, and I was driving back to the airport. It's like a four hour drive and I'm behind an RV. There's like a million RVs, but as I was getting closer, you know how, like on the back of a truck or RV, they have the spare tire with a cover over it. And so the dude had a cover over his spare tire and the thing said lebowski 2024 and I was like the big lebowski, of course is one of joe's favorite movies.
Speaker 2:So that inspired our halloween costumes because we have a halloween party this weekend. He is going to be the big lebowski. I'm going to be his campaign manager. Oh, okay, okay, perfect.
Speaker 1:I love it yeah.
Speaker 2:So I went on Amazon and, yes, you can buy a sheet t-shirt that says Lebowski 2024. I'm going to have my little clipboard so people can sign that he can be a writing candidate. There we go. I love it.
Speaker 1:I love it. Is he going to?
Speaker 2:be wearing the robe. He has to decide. I was like, are you going to wear like the robe and the ratty T-shirt? Are you going to wear the ratty cardigan with some like crazy pants? Like what are you going to do? So he's got to figure that out and he needs a wig because you know my Joe is bald.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Or he could be the bowling ball True true, true, true, but you know that's not true to the character anyway. So what about you? Are you? I know halloween's your favorite holiday, so are you saying what are you doing?
Speaker 1:yeah, so I have, um, you know, usually I always dress up and I decorate my office and stuff like that, but I'm only the only one that really gets, you know, into the, into the spirit of halloween. Um, everybody else likes it, but because of the tech center it's kind of hard to decorate it.
Speaker 2:So, anyways, I'm sending you a link really quickly that I saw I sent it to cammy earlier. I was like, oh my god, you totally this following. But I'm sending it to you too because I could totally see you doing it. It might be too simple for you but it looks so freaking cool.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, all right, I'll have to check it out. Um so, uh, I'm usually like a queen bee or gypsy. Oh, that's really cool. I saw that too yeah, cool, it's like the giant spider on her eye I like that a lot, um, but I, um, I'm gonna be a witch this year. I've been a witch, I've been a queen bee, I've been a gypsy, I, gypsy.
Speaker 2:So you're going as yourself.
Speaker 1:Pretty much. I mean, if I didn't buy this dress already, I would have just worn something out of my closet, like I do every year, yeah, and everybody goes oh my gosh, I love your costume, when did you get it? And I'm like my closet.
Speaker 2:My closet Is that wrong?
Speaker 1:They're like yeah, that makes makes sense. I can pretty much put any costume you can think of in my closet. So but no, I bought this dress and it had it's, it's uh, it's velvet, it's like an elvira dress almost. Yeah, like the darkness. That's what I'm going it?
Speaker 2:that would be amazing. Yeah, so let's do it. Let's talk about this, this reddit parenting debacle.
Speaker 1:Oh, yeah, well, it's funny because we were looking at other you know other types of reddit stories, and then this one in the am I the asshole, which is my favorite category, but because it's it's a variety of things, the answer is always yes, it's potpourri.
Speaker 1:Yes well of course, it's a potpourri of stories. There's no real category other than am I? You know, we're asking if I'm the asshole. Um, and this caught my attention this, this title, and then we just had to read it. So it says am I the asshole for refusing to sign a quote unquote family contract during my dad's wedding.
Speaker 2:Oh, good Lord, All right.
Speaker 1:Just that is itself is like Whoa what I have. Five questions here, right here, five questions. So instead of asking five questions without reading into it, let's read into it.
Speaker 2:Let's read it.
Speaker 1:Let's go. My mom died four years ago and my dad's engaged to Ann. Their wedding is three months away and Ann has a 12 year old daughter and an eight year old son. Dad has me I'm 15. Dad and Ann want this family, this wedding, to be the start of a new family, a new family life for all of us after loss because Ann's husband, her kid's dad, died too. So okay, so let's, let's pause there. So we have a man and a woman, both are widow, widower, both have kids. They meet, they fall in love, they're getting married. This is a new beginning, right, okay, I get that. Um, they see this as a happy new chapter and an exciting chance to grow the family, or whatever. This is where this is, where, all of a sudden, the language changes. Um, they want us to not only accept the wedding, but to accept each other as family and to commit to being close, loving each other, choosing each other, and swearing will always be a family.
Speaker 1:Pause, what that's a contract? This is right. Like, this is where this is where it takes a left turn. Like, yeah, the premise is but now we're not, there's legitimately a contract, and then we are agreeing to all these things. That's interesting that we're asking minors to enter into a contract, but that's just the first thing that comes into my mind Reading on. Anne's son is excited about it. Her daughter is more wobbly about it. Okay, we're talking about a. Let's go back a eight and 12 year old.
Speaker 2:Of course, of course, the eight year old's good.
Speaker 1:Yeah, of course this means everything to her. You know like why not? She feels guilty about wanting another dad and wanting us to be a family and there's a part of her that doesn't want it Understandable. She admits that. Admit, admitted this in therapy, that we're all going that we're all going to.
Speaker 1:I'm not excited. I accept my dad's getting married, but I don't accept the rest of the rest of the stuff they want. I don't love Ann or her kids. I don't want another mom or mom figure to take on a role that my mom should have. I don't want to commit to always being there for Ann and her kids or to promise love when I don't think I'll ever love them.
Speaker 1:This isn't exciting me, it's sad, it's shitty. Actually, it just reminds me my mom isn't here and I'll ever love them. This isn't exciting me. It's sad, it's shitty. Actually, it just reminds me my mom isn't here and I'll never have my family back To me. This is dad creating a new family, but not my new family. I told the therapist this she wants this to be a discussion when the other kids aren't there, but so far Anne doesn't want any sessions that don't include her kids. So that's it. But then there's a little bit more about, you know, the contract as mentioned in therapy. Our therapist tried to discourage but my dad and Ann said they want to be more than just them, but all of us. Okay, I'm going to stop reading there because I'm going to the only.
Speaker 2:I mean the one question I and I don't know if we got it clear was how long they've been together. That's the only kind of not that I think under any conditions it makes it okay. But I was left curious about that, right.
Speaker 1:Well, um, it's, his mom died four years ago. Okay, his dad's engaged to another woman and their their weddings in three months, so I mean relatively soon. I mean it's only been four years and he's he's 15, so it was like you know, he was little yeah that was mama time, for sure so it's.
Speaker 2:You know, what's interesting or what connects for me is that we've talked about blending families before. In our conversations and I think that you know the folks who've listened intently would know that one of the things that we say is that you can't fake or rush anything right. That really what our responsibility is. Going into a second marriage, for whatever reason, excuse me it's to create the conditions where all of our kids feel accepted and all of our kids feel loved, and then we just let things happen, right like you can't you can't force it so we can talk, I think, a little bit about some of the conditions they can create, and it sounds like they're already getting advice from their therapist that their therapist said don't do it don't.
Speaker 2:don't try to get them to sign a contract, and I'm not worried about the whole like getting a minor to sign it as much, because I just think about like behavior contracts you have with your kids, stuff like that.
Speaker 1:I'm sure.
Speaker 2:But, still but. But to put the writing that you're committing to loving somebody and you're committing to like that. Nobody can do that under any circumstances, in any relationship, right, right.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean that's I mean honestly, if you really want to break it down and boil it down, that's what a marriage is. It's a contract to love each other, to take care of each other, to be there. You know, that's what you're saying in front of God and everybody, right, yeah, yeah. But the, the, the and you have to be an adult to make that decision and to get into that contract. So it's like you got to look at it legally. You know, I, I, I go down to to like the legality of the aspect. You can't ask these kids to enter into any like. Why are you having them sign anything, right?
Speaker 2:Well, and to your point, you know, when two people make that decision to be married, that it's because they do love each other At least we like to think they do love each other. They are making that commitment. But to your point, you know, even if it weren't their own children, let's say they didn't have any children yet and they wanted their siblings and their parents to sign this contract that, look, I'm marrying this guy and I want you to promise to love like. You can't do that, right, you can't you. You can commit to loving somebody. You can't ask somebody else to commit to doing it. Right, right, right.
Speaker 1:That's why it's so interesting to me why they're, why they're feeling like they need to have a family contract and, and I'm sure that I'm sure there's fear. I mean, obviously this is this is fueled by fear, because if they were confident in everything, they wouldn't even be asking. So there's a lot of security, you know, and they both had great losses. So this is obviously a struggle with the two of them and they're both like, Okay, yeah, we're gonna get everybody to commit to stay together forever. You know, like, hey, you guys need a little bit more therapy here, maybe individual therapy, you know, and and there's a sounds like a codependency kind of thing where we need everybody to commit to this right now because we're hurt. We get that, but it's a lot.
Speaker 1:I mean, it brings me back to when my mom married my stepdad and the day we got home we went to the Justice of the Peace. My brother and I went with them Justice of the Peace. We sat there. This lady was typing on her typewriter because you know there weren't computers back then Typing on her typewriter and wiping away her tears.
Speaker 1:As they're getting married in the Justice of the Peace, you know, and they, we get home and it's okay, this is your dad now and and you don't, you know, your other dad's not your dad anymore and now you have to call him dad, Otherwise you're going to get hurt. You know like it takes me all the way back to that and it's like okay, so now it's a fear of I won't be a part of this family, I won't be loved, I won't be this, I won't be that Cause I'm sure this child is like what, if, what, if I don't sign it, how are they going to treat me? Am I going to, you know, like so? Do I have to sign this, Even though the therapist is saying it's probably not good and obviously they're in their own realm right now, you know. So this is a great way for them to kind of get it out and talk about it, and I love Reddit for that.
Speaker 2:But holy crap, I mean people are writing telling them that they shouldn't be doing that you know, like, hello, well, and I wonder too if, like, is it their way of like? Okay, we want the kids involved in the ceremony and so the way we're going to involve them, right, and when, you know, when Joe and I got married it's everybody knows this we have six kids between us. Only five of them were at the wedding because our oldest son wasn't able to be there. But we kind of took a poem and divided it up and they each read a part, but they each had the option to read a part, right, like it. So it makes me wonder if, like, the contract is a way to get them involved and if that's it, like, there's a lot of different ways you can do that.
Speaker 2:But you know, our daughter, sid, got married two weeks ago and and it was, you know, it was such a beautiful weekend and all the things. But in reflection afterwards I've had probably two or three, maybe three or four of my family members reach out to just say what, how amazing it was to be in that space with all of these blended people, right? So imagine, imagine a space and and I'm not even talking about the wedding itself like plenty of people can make it work for the ceremony and that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1:I know you're talking about the family.
Speaker 2:I'm talking about the family, like before and after right. So like after the wedding on Saturday, sunday morning, everybody left Temecula and, um, a big group of us came back to our house because it was on the way to the airport so people could kind of chill here and wait for their flights and stuff. So in our house we had obviously me and Joe and our kids, their partners, our grandchildren. We had my ex-husband Sid's dad he was here, his mom and sister because they continue to be my mom and sister, right, that never changed after we got divorced. His nieces and nephews, who are my nieces and nephews, are great nieces and nephews. We had my husband, joe's sister and brother.
Speaker 2:So we had all these people from different sides, if you will, different kind of family groups, and nobody could have walked in and picked them out of a crowd. Nobody could have would have walked in and been like, oh, that's Joe's family over there, they're hanging out over there. It was, and my, my former sister-in-law, susan, one of my closest friends. She texted me and said like I'm driving to the airport and I realized like I was hugging Joe's sister and telling her I loved her. You know like how, like imagine like people looking into at this and going what the fuck is going on like this is insane. Like people don't do this. But all of that came from the conditions we created, and the condition was love first. If we put love first, happiness and joy will come with it, and and and I actually I guess I would say love and acceptance. Right, like we decided early on that it didn't matter who was who and who belonged to whom, and that it was just.
Speaker 2:You know, we're just going to love each other and we're going to get past the hurt, right, like it doesn't mean there hasn't been hurt, because of course there has been, but but we chose love over that right and chose to let that be what dominated. And I know that sounds really like hallmark movie ish, but, like I said, none of it was hard or none of it was easy, rather. But I look at what we get as a result of it like this is what we get to have because of it. And so I come all the way back to this reddit piece and I think to myself you cannot force it Right. All you can do is look at each other and say we love each other, we're going to love each other's children and we're going to take care of each other, and then we're going to hope for the best Right, like that's it Exactly.
Speaker 1:We're putting our best foot forward. We can't, you know, we didn't get forced into this relationship. We made those choices, but we're forcing them into a blended situation. So we have to, like, take a backseat to what's going on and really just coach them through it, because we're all learning together. And that's the thing, and maybe that's the scary thing, you know, like we've got to make everybody promise that they're going to love each other, and then that way, it's the accountability of well, you're not being very loving.
Speaker 1:We can't use it as a weapon too, you know, and stuff like that. And that's what I fear is like, oh, you're going to have these kids commit to this and then anytime something doesn't go the right way, we can use it as a weapon. And that's exactly what happens when hurting and mourning and all of these things, because we don't even know how long ago her husband passed away. Yeah, you know, we have no idea. And so, of course, one of her kids is like I don't even know if I want another dad. Like this is weird. And he's like I don't want another mom or a mother figure, I just want my dad. You know, like this is weird, and he's like I don't want another mom or a mother figure, I just want my dad. You know, like that's all they want. So in those cases just make the relationship about you guys and and and work together, but don't force them.
Speaker 2:You know like they'll end up liking each other eventually you know, and I like to think that, because they're working with a therapist, that's a good. I'm glad to hear that. But I do think that the caution I have too is like the contract is easy, right. Oh, if we decide the contract, magically it happens. So if they were to ask us like OK, so what? I said a minute ago, you have to create the conditions, ok, so what are the conditions Right? A couple of things that I would say. I said a minute ago, you have to create the conditions, okay, so what are the conditions right?
Speaker 2:A couple of things that I would say, and then I I I know you have things to add to it um are, first and foremost, you have to agree on how you're going to co-parent right.
Speaker 2:Um, because if they, if you force a contract to be signed and then you're just shitty parents to each other's kids or to your own kids, um, and you're giving mixed message and you're letting them, you know, pit you against each other and all the things, you've missed the boat, right?
Speaker 2:So, first and foremost, you have to agree on how you're going to co-parent and you have to be overt about that with your kids. Secondly, you have to be very clear about this isn't your replacement father or your replacement mother. This is one more person who's going to love you and be a resource for you in your life, right? So, regardless of how long our relationship lasts, this is another adult to love you and look out for you. They don't need a title, they don't need to be mom, they don't need to be dad, right? Like my kids have plenty of adults in their life who love them and look out for them and will hold them accountable. That don't have to be their parent, and so those are a couple of things that I would say are creating the conditions for the kids to blend Right and the families to blend in a way that doesn't feel forced, in a way that doesn't shortchange anybody, et cetera. What would you add?
Speaker 1:it's all about accountability for our, for our behavior and our actions, you know. So just setting some basic ground rules like, hey, we're going to be respectful, and when we're not, here's the consequences, you know, like really sitting down and and not only the parents doing the how are we going to parent, but then also setting those expectations with the kids too. You know, there's there's the aspect of hey, these are the things that you're responsible for, and if you don't, here's the consequence. Or here's how many times we're going to do this. And and make it loud and clear to where then you're consistent with it, because what you can't have is one parent doing it one way, the other parent doing the other way, and then one parent cross parents and then the other parent gets mad. It's not going to work.
Speaker 1:It's just not going to work and one person saying something might feel disrespectful to one person to the other. So clear communication and and really just saying, you know, responding to the situation, instead of reacting and saying, okay, I don't really like the way you said that we're going to come back and talk about it when your dad gets home or whatever, and let's just sit down and talk about it, you know, together as a, as a team, because you know it's, we've already talked about this, right, or whatever the case may be. So clearly communicating with the kids and and keeping it even and keeping it real with everybody. You know, you can't, you can't, it can't be a double standard, it can't be oh, so-and-so gets the special treatment.
Speaker 1:I mean, I was in a relationship where, you know, my, my girls will get told, hey, we're, the only reason why we're going to Starbucks is because my daughter's here oh, that's swell, they would. He would tell them that and and I'm like, could you not say that? I mean, even if it is that way in your head and everything else, keep it to yourself. Fucking, tell my kids that. Exactly the fuck, exactly. Don't do that, you know. And and my daughters are sharing a room and then their kids had their own rooms, you know which, and they were hardly ever there. How was that? Like, what message is that sending to my kids, you know, and so? And it was always special treatment when they came over, and then it was like ignoring and stuff like that when they weren't around, and so it was just like this isn't healthy for my kids, like you're pretty much telling them they're second class citizens Fuck you.
Speaker 2:Well, and it's. I mean, what you're describing is just good parenting, right Like, and and, and getting at the idea that you know. Another thing that they have to do right out of the gate which it sounds like they've done, but now they're trying to force it on the kids is just agree that they're our kids, right Like, out of the gate, like when, when Joe and I first connected and and started to get serious, one of the things we said was we have to agree right now that they're our kids and if we, if one of us, can't, then no hurt feelings, but goodbye, right like, this is over, because otherwise we end in the place that you're, end up in the place you're describing. Right where it's my, it's your, whether it's because the kids were, you know, making bad choices, whether it's because of you know, we're going to Starbucks or what have you.
Speaker 2:But now I'm wondering if let's shift now, because one of the things we talked about is when we're doing these Reddit pieces, which folks who are following us know, but for those who don't, we're doing this because we really want to create a space where we can offer advice based on our collective expertise and until we get enough followers that they're actually sending us in real life stuff. We're using Reddit as a basis, which has been really entertaining, but we said that, moving forward, we would try to. When we have the episode done, we would post the link in the comments of the person who. So, knowing that this is the 15 year old son, why don't we shift to? Okay, what can he do? Right, like he's hearing all the things about our kind of advice for his, his parent and his new step parent, and we encourage you to share the link with them because maybe they'll find it helpful. But now, why don't we talk a little bit about what he can do, right, what?
Speaker 2:we might say for him.
Speaker 1:You know, for me, if I, if I was, you know, giving advice to my 15 year old self would be is gosh. Seek to understand and to be understood is a very powerful one, and I tell myself that all the time. You know, cause we, we go a million miles a minute and we halfway listen sometimes and da, da, da, da, da, and we miss stuff, and I have to slow myself down a lot and and and do the fact of, like, how much information do I know about this? Let me go understand it first before I can even speak about it, because, you know, I, I need to know where their emotions are at and you know what their thought process was. I need to know if they, you know what they did already, so I'm not suggesting something that they already did, you know. So, um, that I just lead with curiosity and knowing, knowing what I know, in the, in the you know expertise that I have, it sounds like these parents are hurting, you know, and so I would.
Speaker 1:I would tell my 15 year old self that you know, pay attention to their emotions and stuff like that, you know, and and also be kind, yep, because being an asshole is just going to make it 10 times worse and being, you know, understanding that they're still human. You know, I mean that's really hard for teenagers and I know it was for me too. I mean I was very unforgiving with my mother at that point. You know I had dealt with her for 15, 16, 17 years and and, and just mentally couldn't handle it anymore. But at the same time, you know, now, looking back at it, it's like, you know, she was not mentally stable and she had a lot of problems and everything else.
Speaker 1:It just didn't. I didn't see it that way. So that's what I would say is just, you know, seek to understand and then to be understood. They're in the same boat as you are. You're hearing them and and they're hearing you, but nobody's listening to each other and the therapist is, and they're kind of a buffer, but it's also you know, they're kind of stuck in between a rock and a hard space. So I would just say have patience, be kind, be kind to yourself, know that they're human, know that they're trying to make the best moves that they know how to make.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Weird as they may be, I mean, come on, we've well, I've been through some weird shit. So have you like? Parents are weird? You know even us as parents are weird and our kids we get. You know, they annoy, they're annoyed by us, but there's just the aspect of just understanding that they're human too and, um, be kind to yourself, be kind to them, be kind to your siblings, and everything's going to work out.
Speaker 2:I love that and I think the I think you said just about all of it I think the only thing I would add is that, under the umbrella, be kind to you, know them and and seek to understand, is that you know, make the assumption that they're coming from a good place, that they're coming from a place of love. And then I would add that you know it's okay for you to sit down in a time when there's no conflict and ask to talk with them and to simply say listen, I love that you found each other. Or if you don't love that they found each other, don't say that, right, but you know. Here's where I'm at. I am going to look at you to the new parent as another adult in my life who will be, you know, who will care for me and be a resource, and I can't promise that I'll ever think anything more than that, because you know I have a mom and she's gone, but she's still my mom and I'm not looking for a replacement. She's gone, but she's still my mom and I'm not looking for a replacement.
Speaker 2:And I would ask of you guys that you just you know you're going to get married and we're going to live together and you just be patient with us while we figure it out and know that you know we're going to be connected forever because you guys are married, and how that connection grows is left to be seen.
Speaker 2:I don't want to pretend that something exists that doesn't yet, but give it time. Yeah, Right, and and please don't bring a contract in and maybe even add like and if what you guys want is for us to be involved in the wedding, let's talk about ways we can do that. That don't involve making us do something that makes us feel really uncomfortable, and that's it right. And you don't need them to answer you. You can simply leave the request there and if you can't have the conversation you wrote about it and read it right, maybe write about it in the way that we've just shared with some of those ideas and just give them a letter and let them consider it Right. So, between all those things and your therapist, that's going to lead you guys to a place where you'll be comfortable. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Agreed, agreed.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, period, new paragraph. We had the I think we think it was a guy, we're not sure. The dude who, um, messaged us a while ago anonymous Um, we're still trying to figure out if it was legit. We're not sure. The dude who, um, messaged us a while ago anonymous um, we're still trying to figure out if it was legit but anonymous messaged us to say listen, can you guys talk about new parents? My wife and I are having our first baby and we have questions about everything, essentially everything. It's what he asked, every single thing. And so, um, we, I think we kind of said why don't we just share a couple of big picture ideas for them to give some consideration to, in case they are real? So, anonymous, if you're real, this is for you, um, and talk about, just kind of, as you think about entering parenthood, some things to think about. So, do you want to go first?
Speaker 1:yeah, no, why don't you go ahead and you have some? You, I think you have the email up, so I'll let you read off the questions and then we can both kind of like throw our little you know couple, couple word answers out there. But entering into parenthood, oh my God, nothing prepares you for it. No books, no stories, no anything. And they and they pretty much just give you a baby and you walk out of a hospital taking care of another human.
Speaker 2:So that doesn't talk that doesn doesn't walk, that doesn't take care of itself, can't tell you what it needs, can't you know? So you know they. They ask about everything from like while she's pregnant right now. What do we talk to the baby? Do we play music? Do I give it zorbits? Is what I call that, what he's like blowing, oh the raspberries, yeah, um, the raspberries to. You know what should we let them watch? What shows are good shows for toddlers? But that's why I was like, okay, you gotta chill like let's back up.
Speaker 2:I will say this first thing I'm gonna suggest is keep it freaking simple.
Speaker 2:Here's what I mean by that right, like as I watched our oldest daughter have her baby and our now granddaughter who's two, and I can say this because she goes back now, looks at it and like, okay, I was insane, the number of Facebook groups she was on the like you can go down a rabbit hole about every sound they make, every color of their puke, every and and, and you can buy every gadget, like I remember showing up their house.
Speaker 2:They have a newborn and they have remember how we would go once a month after they were born to the doctor to like, get their measurement and their weight and do all that stuff. They freaking had a scale, like literally a scale you weigh a baby on. Why that's not unusual these days, I don't know, because they could and literally they were like weighing her I. I mean, it was insane. So I'm going to. My first recommendation is to keep it simple and and I do think that I agree with Jane like there's no manual right. But I think that that I learned probably some of my most important lessons from watching people do it poorly.
Speaker 2:And so I think that at the end of the day, whether it's a teeny, tiny little baby or a 13 year old, a question that you have to constantly ask yourself is what would I want somebody to do in this moment? Right, I want somebody to do, because almost always that answer is the answer your child needs, right? So quick example was you know, I was with our two year old granddaughter in Orlando for a couple of weeks on my own, and she's the epitome of two Right, she's everything from loving and giggly and sweet as anything to a raving lunatic. So she's all of it, right.
Speaker 2:And I remember the first couple of times she was like throwing the all out, tantrum on the floor and I talked to, I was talking with Joe on the phone and I said it actually makes so much sense when you think about it, like, think about this. Your brain understands enough to know it wants something. You can't quite communicate clearly enough to get the adult to know exactly what you want, and even when you can, sometimes you can't have it and your brain isn't developed enough to understand why you can't have it when you want it. So of course she's flailing on the floor and screaming what else would you do? We'd do that if that was our brain right Like so. If you think about what you would need in the moment, it's almost always the thing your kid's going to need.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, like I, the um. We have neighbors that moved in caddy corner from us, across the street, probably about three years ago, and they now have a two-year-old. So I mean about a year after they move in, get married, they have a baby and this girl is the as cute as a button, oh yeah. But as she is a wild banshee like, she screams at everything and we'll be over here eating dinner and they're across the street she's screaming her head off. I'm like just imagine how loud it is in the house. And so the other day I'm taking out the trash and there's a man out there who I thought was her father but it's their roommate holding her. And he's like oh hey, callie, say hi to the neighbor. And I waved and I actually walked over there and I was like hey, I have a teenage daughter that would love to babysit and maybe get a date night out of it. You know, because we hear her at night and I laugh because I don't miss those days. And she was like oh my God, she just screams, I go, we know. No, we know, we just laughed because I'm like oh, just wait till she's three.
Speaker 1:I said you know what it is. I said it's their way of communicating. I said she doesn't have words. I said when they're three then they have the words and they can tell you. No, all of of those things you know and on cue and for reasons I go, but at least they can communicate a little bit, you know, and tell you what's going on, and stuff like that. I said she's just at that stage where that's the only way she communicates. I said and I just laugh because I had four of them.
Speaker 2:I can't All right, so I don't know if you're going to be able to hear this. Tell me if you can't, because I'll stop it. If you can Hold on, I'll listen to this for a second. Yeah, can you?
Speaker 1:hear it, mm-mm.
Speaker 2:No, ah, I wish you could. I'll send it to you. It's our little two-year-old granddaughter, and our daughter sent us this message a week after they got home from the wedding um, because she had gone pee on the potty. Oh good really. She literally was like you would think somebody was hacking her brain out or something, and she was screaming because she was so excited that she oh my gosh, I love it and it was.
Speaker 2:It's like the freaking exorcism, like it is so crazy, so, so, so, yes, keep it simple. Think about what you would need in that moment. It's almost always what they need, and when they're like tantruming, what they need is space. They literally need you to leave them alone, not look at them, not talk to them, not just do your, do your thing, and you know, I think that, yes, there's a million books on the market about, you know, when they're little and infants and stuff, and you should pick one and you should read it. Right, you don't need to read 27 books, but pick one and read it, the one that's going to help you make sure they don't die Right Because there's also a million different, like how to parent consequences, all that stuff.
Speaker 2:And don't get me wrong, from the age of two, right, we need to know and understand, kind of how we're going to think about all that, because, because you start imparting things at that age, right, like even within two weeks, she understood that when Grammy says no, she means no, now on Grammy.
Speaker 2:I don't have to say no. A whole lot, which is beautiful, but I do have to say no, right? That's the kind of stuff that you're going to have to start to figure out early on, and anonymous, if you're listening and you're legit. We're happy to talk more about that after the baby comes, but for now, like, keep it simple. Talk to your baby, sing songs to your baby, read stories to your baby and it doesn't matter what, by the way, because again, when they were here and I ran out of books to read at bedtime, the book was sitting on my desk with a book on protocols. And guess what I did? I said in my voice protocols for examining professional practice, the protocols to this chapter, and she listened as if I was reading the best story.
Speaker 1:she had ever heard.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter what the book is, you know keep it simple.
Speaker 1:Listen to my voice and you'll see.
Speaker 2:She was like what are you reading her? I was like a book on protocols, duh she needs to know protocols exactly, let's go, come on. No more tantrums, only protocol that's right you know why she has to collaborate violating our collaboration and our protocol standards. So yeah, I think we can leave it there for Mr Anonymous and then he can reach out, if he yeah you know the.
Speaker 1:The only thing that I would add is, I'm sure that there's there's plenty of books out there to like kind of like the what to expect when you're expecting and stuff like that, all of the little things that you need to know about what happens with your baby in the first year or two, the teething, the all of those things go with what's in those books, you know? I mean, it is what it is. We all have our own little ways of of doing things. If you have a particular one with a funny story, we'd love to hear about that, and then we'll give you.
Speaker 2:Oh amen, we definitely back.
Speaker 1:When you have good stories, I love it. We will definitely post them and give you our answer and stuff like that. Amen, yeah.
Speaker 2:I love it All. Right, girl, you got to go eat some dinner.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I am all wrapped up. So that's it. You guys, you know a little bit of Parenting 101, courtesy of reddit and our anonymous emailer. Um, we are so looking forward to hearing you guys, or seeing you guys in our next episode. Be sure to like, share, subscribe, follow, do all the things, um, so that we can help build this audience. And, by the way, this is episode 46 and we said by the end of the year calendar year we want it to be at 50, so we are so close.
Speaker 1:I know I thought about that today like oh we are so close and it's almost our two-year anniversary I don't even know what to do.
Speaker 2:We're gonna have to do something maybe if you come for thanksgiving, we'll do something. Oh, we'll do cake, if we do. If you come for thanksgiving okay all right, go all right, peace out, all right, love you, love you.
