Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
Episode 50 y'all! Celebrating Milestones, and Embracing Self-Awareness, Friendship, and Gratitude This Thanksgiving
As we celebrate our 50th episode, we express our heartfelt gratitude for the journey of growth and self-discovery. Joined by our esteemed guest, JP Reynolds, we delve into the essence of self-awareness, sharing insights on setting intentional goals and recognizing meaningful accomplishments.
Our conversation explores how understanding consciousness and perceptions can shape our interactions, emphasizing the importance of trusted feedback in both personal and professional realms.
We also highlight the power of friendship and connection, reflecting on stories of overcoming stereotypes and the bonds formed through shared experiences. We thank our listeners and wish everyone a Thanksgiving filled with love and gratitude. Here’s to many more episodes of discovery and connection!
Don’t forget to send us your question or story at dumpsterdivejj@gmail.com. We would love to hear from you!
PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
These Terms and Conditions apply to your use of Dumpster Diving with Janice and Jane Podcast. Your use of the Podcast is governed by these Terms and Conditions. If you do not agree with these Terms and Conditions, please do not access the Podcast.
See FULL Terms and Conditions Here.
you're listening to dumpster diving with janice and jane, and today we're. We hit our goal everyone 50 episodes by the end of the year we're doing it right now.
Speaker 2:It's actually. It was actually 50 from. It technically works out that it's the end of the year, but it was 50 from when we started so we're coming up on January, so like, right but it was before. It's two years though. Yeah, yeah two years so it is before. But we kind of said, we're gonna do 50 and then we'll see. Are we gonna keep going, what are we gonna do, etc. Um, we'll let you know by the end of the episode what we've decided.
Speaker 1:By the way, yeah, who knows, who knows fighting? No, just kidding. But for our 50th we have the infamous jp reynolds, our, our good friend jp, and the song that I'm gonna sing for him and I'm just gonna sing one line of it because you know I'm not a good singer, but the song of today is reunited and it feels so good. We love you so much.
Speaker 3:I love the song, love the two of you, love being here for your 50th Wild. Congratulations, congratulations, what, what an achievement, right? Um, a lot of people say they're going to do something and halfway through they, um, they give up, yeah and uh. So props to the two of you, thank you thank you.
Speaker 2:And I mean, god, jane wanted to give up so much and I was like, no, yeah, we can't let jp down no no, we gotta get to 50.
Speaker 2:And it was what I love about it is, as we were thinking about 50, because our the people who listen to us on the regular know that we don't have like a content map from your day, week one of a year to the week, like so much of this is us in real life, like in the moment. These are the things that make sense to us and are important. But for 50th we were like, okay, the 50th is gonna come up fast and it was like boom, we both went JP. Like there was not even like a hesitation or what should we do. It was like JP. So it's so great to have you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and you've been one of our biggest cheerleaders too, so it's immensely, I'm immensely flattered and I, I, um, uh, and you know that I believe in what you've been doing because a couple of your guests I referred to you yeah, oh, really, yeah, you know, and we did love that. Yes, so yeah. Well, here we are, minutes away from Thanksgiving, minutes away from Thanksgiving, we really are minutes Exactly.
Speaker 2:We're going into the holiday season, so it's like perfect timing. And you know, I think that I was listening recently to I don't know a podcast I can't tell you which one because there's so many of them but it the guy was talking about how important it is to to pinpoint a focus for every like to be able to look back and go. 2023, year 23 is the year I did this, 2024 is it, and it's. It was different than the context of setting your goal right, like here's my goal, but rather like this is this kind of purpose driven thing that I made sure to attend to, right, and it could be like the year I bought my house or it's the year I did this. And it made me really stop and think, like just looking over the last five years, because I haven't intentionally said this year I'm going to blank, this year I'm going to blank, right, and so I kind of panicked not panic, that's too strong but I was kind of like, oh my gosh, like that's so powerful and it's so true and it's such a great way to make sure that we don't just like wake up five, 10 years later and kind of look back and go.
Speaker 2:I guess I just lived, don't get me wrong, living's wonderful, but like, did I have an impact? Did I do anything of note for others? You know that kind of stuff. But this podcast, like I was so excited to it because one of the things in that moment I was like this is the year we'll have hit 50. And we said we're going to do 50 episodes 2024 is the year we hit 50. And it made me kind of go, okay, I did something crazy. So thank you, jane, for being a part of me being able to say, oh, thank.
Speaker 1:God, thank God, I did something, but that's the thing. We do lots of things and we don't keep track of them, but this was something that we actually had a timeline for and a and a mutually agreed upon goal, and we had one mission and and we both did it. You know, like that's it's crazy to to to think all the things in 24, like this episode is going to be fun because talking about self-awareness and and stuff like that, like I think that I don't know about you guys, but I've learned a lot about myself about myself hey fricking men, hey, fricking men.
Speaker 2:So should we get into it? Should we get into our topic? So our you, just you just said it, jane, right, like we, we want to. We really felt like this was a great time and I love what you the caveat's perfect, jane, like how much you've learned about yourself this year. I feel like I know I'm constantly learning, and of late we've had a couple of conversations about that, and so it led to a natural thing, a thought that why don't we focus on self-awareness? Is that like, what is it exactly? What does it mean to us? On self-awareness, is that like what is it exactly, what does it mean to us and how do we develop it? So I'm hoping that we're going to be able to talk about it in terms of all three of our own context, and then also extend to think about how we help develop it in others, right, which, of course, comes from the parenting stuff that we do and all of that. And you know, I think, like JP said, we're on the cusp of Thanksgiving, the new year. It's a great time to have a reflection like that, right? So so what I'll do, if it's okay with you guys, is I'm just going to kick us off with a definition, right, like kind of a, a more, you know, prescribed, if you will, definition, and then we'll just start with like okay, so what does it mean to each of us? And what are the ways we um both internalize those ideas and then externalize those ideas right by sharing them with others? Um, I told jane when we were talking about this in our planning call, which sounds really official, but, um, you know, it's not really. It's one of those calls look behind the screen, it's one of those calls where we're gonna record, and they were like we have a few episodes already saved up, we, we're good, and then we just started shooting the shit and this came up Thank you, thank you.
Speaker 2:So the book I've been reading is written by a gentleman who's a like a holistic medical doctor and some other things, dr Josh Axe, and it's called Think this, not that, and I picked it up because I feel like, in the world we're in right now, right, we have to constantly be evaluating our own mindsets, lest we get caught up in being so extreme in our thinking that we can't hear other people, we can't, you know, include other people, etc.
Speaker 2:So in this book it's like a set of mindset shifts. One of them is this idea of self-awareness, and he defines it. Actually, he carries forward the definition by Socrates, which is when we are self-aware, we understand what we feel, be it anger, sadness, fear, joy and we can transform it into productive behavior. And that part, for me, was really important because, you know, in the work I do with schools and districts, often they talk about self-awareness in young people and how important it is to develop that, but they often stop at the understanding what you feel and they don't think about the second part of it, which is being able to transform that feeling, no matter what it is, into productive behavior. So that's the starting point that I would put on the table for us in terms of a definition to center around, and then, yeah, open it up. What do you think?
Speaker 3:Oh Well, if I may jump in here, I I like that definition and I'd like to tweak it. I'd like to tweak it. I think self-awareness is about definitely about being aware of what you're feeling, being present, being in the moment, and then consciously choosing what to do with those feelings. Sometimes, though, I think it's legitimate to choose not productive behavior.
Speaker 3:You know what I'm, you know, for the rest of the day, I'm not sure that I really am in the mood to forgive. I'll deal with that tomorrow, sure, or consciously say all right, this is unfair and I feel like a victim, and I'm going to allow myself to feel like a victim for the rest of the day, and then tomorrow I'll go ahead, right? The reason why I'm saying this is because, for the work that I do, I strive to help people realize that it's a choice, that it's a choice. It's a choice as to what I'm going to do with the feelings, and by having the agency to make a choice, you are saying I'm not going to be a victim, I'm not going to make the other person out to be a villain.
Speaker 3:This is just what I'm doing with the feelings, so that's my tweak of the definition.
Speaker 1:I love both of those and I'm going to tweak it just a little bit too, because it just so happens that you know, you both know that I'm working on building workshops and you know to our listeners I'm up for hire.
Speaker 2:Keep it clean, though. Everybody Keep it clean, okay. When she says hire, she means work. I mean coaching, exactly, I'm just saying we have a lot of different kinds of listeners. Jane, you could get a lot of attention when you say words like that, who are your friends? I'm out for hire, Listen, we both know Rose. Rose is you know, you just never know where she's going to go. So, Rose is you know, you just never know where she's going to go.
Speaker 3:So I'm just going to stay in my little Rose, your friends are questionable.
Speaker 1:Anyways, meaning, janice, it's true. So I happen to be working on a workshop about self-awareness and the seven levels of energy, so I started off with consciousness, because consciousness is before self-awareness. You have to really be aware of who you really are, right, and it's more than just being self-aware of my emotions, but who you are, how you show up all those things, right? So I think about those things like who, what and how. Like who's influencing your beliefs, what are your roles in your life and how, how do your roles and beliefs support or take away from your version of success, right? So cause, it's a self-evaluation.
Speaker 1:When we, when we're talking about self-awareness and some people are so unselfaware that you know it's it's that you need to start somewhere. So for me, I go to the basics, right? But then self-awareness to me is the ability to recognize and understand your own thoughts, feelings and actions and then how they affect others, and the ability to recognize how others perceive you, because your, your, your actions, energies, thoughts, feelings and actions portray a certain perspective to other people, and we're not even thinking about that. We're thinking about us, right? So self-awareness is really like remembering there's other people and how are they reflecting Like how? What are they seeing?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:How are you showing up for them? That's self-awareness to me, like, because you can have all of the things going on and and and make the choices to hold it in and everything else, but what are you doing? Are you really taking the break or are you being an asshole, first tearing things down, burning a bridge, and then going and saying, okay, I'm the victim and you know, meanwhile, the the city's burning down, right. So it's being aware and being able to stop yourself and then make that choice. So it's being aware and being able to stop yourself and then make that choice. So all of that together.
Speaker 3:I feel like, is exactly what we're saying to each other, but in a little bit of a different way. So you've added a very interesting and important third element to the definition that we're creating. And I'm reminded of, in my class at UCLA Extension on business communication just last week, this young woman from Germany not that that really means anything, but she's here as an exchange student, so she's caught up in everything that an exchange student would be caught up in, and and she was talking about how she's shy because she worries about what people will think of her and she's concerned that if she speaks up and it is the wrong thing that people think she is stupid yeah, Word, stupid. You know what she said. I mean, how many of us have said that? I mean it's, it's. She is not unique in that fear.
Speaker 3:However, what was most interesting in the conversation was, at the end, this fellow in the class who is probably I would guess 40, an attorney guess 40, an attorney and he turned and he's one of these people that it's hard to get a read on him and he's not always forthcoming in conversation. So I was surprised when he just turned to her and he said you know, just for the record, you present yourself in a way that says to me you are wonderfully intelligent. And he said I wish I spoke German as well as you speak English. And she looked at him like he had just handed her a winning lottery ticket and her response was handed her a winning lottery ticket, Right, Wow. And her response was really and so that element that you just set down of being aware of the impact and being aware of how you're presenting yourself, being aware of the impact of how you're presenting yourself, that's a very interesting dimension, because it's not simply, oh, am I being, you know the a-hole here. It's also, oh, am I telling myself a lie about me?
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 3:This young woman does and I said to her I said the next time you tell yourself that you're not allowed to speak because you're going to sound stupid. I hope you remember what sergio just told you, because I don't know this man very well, but what I do know is he has a very low tolerance for bs, right right. He just burst out laughing and he said well, maybe you know me better than you think.
Speaker 1:You're like I've got your number, dude.
Speaker 2:That's right. That perception, I think, is so important, how we're perceived, right and to your point you just made JP Right it's, if we're not thinking about that, then we're operating on a set of assumptions, right, that that that can really be misleading to us, right, and so it makes me wonder. In the example you just offered, that young man was kind enough himself to say out loud to her and give her that right gift really of that perspective or that perception he has of her, her. And. But when we don't, right, like I used to, I used to and I used to even now, when I coach leaders, one of the things we talk about is who are the people around you? You've given permission to tell you the truth.
Speaker 2:And and I just feel like, if, because, especially in that role, right, if, if you don't say to a couple of people, and it can't be, you can blanket and tell everybody, and that's the same as saying my door is always open, right, but when you actually privately say, jp, listen, I have in my head what I think people are thinking and how people are perceiving me, but I know that that's not 100 percent accurate. It's filtered by me, right, so I would really be grateful if you would right. So I would really be grateful if you would. You know, if I, if here's what I intend to do anytime I'm outside the bounds, please tell me, right? Please be a person who comes and tells me.
Speaker 2:And if you don't do that, then you know it's, it's being intentional about what you just said, because otherwise, you're, you're. You're either doing one of two things You're just assuming everything in your own head is the actual, is the actual perception that everybody has, or you are, um, well, I guess, maybe. No, I'm just really at that, that's it. You're. You're basically walking around just making that assumption. Some people, by the way, like that, right, like I'd much rather. I'd much rather land where I think I am and then be off the hook for anything negative that maybe I am creating, than to have to face those things.
Speaker 3:So you know, in listening to us, I am listening in listening to us. You know, what I find intriguing is that, this definition. I think oftentimes, when people hear the phrase you know the word self-awareness, they think about being interior oriented, that looking inside, that is about me being with me, me being with me. But really, what we're talking about here is the whole purpose of self-awareness is so that you can be outward, can be engaged. Yes, without the engagements, then they really, then you really are not self-aware. You're, you're something, you're something. But without engagement, self-awareness is I don't know what I'd call it, but there's got to be that it has to be outward driven.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's right, it has to be both right. It has to be being thoughtful, understanding and you said this, jane, and I noted it because it was alongside of one of the other definitions I looked at, which is understanding your own goals, personality, strengths, weaknesses. It's that part. And because, yes, if you don't get the, if you don't get the outward part, then it's, it's stunted. Right, it really is stunted no-transcript.
Speaker 1:Yes, and great emotional intelligence. If you're unaware of how you show up every day and how you affect people around you and how the people around you affect you, there's no way that you could ever be emotionally intelligent fully. You know, because the definition of emotionally intelligent is the ability to understand, use, manage your own emotions, as well as understand and influence the emotions of others. So because, in order to have emotional intelligence and to be that leader, you have to lead with that emotion, and that's what people get is that leadership is all emotion. It's all how you make people feel, it's how you speak to them, it's how you mentor them, it's how you lift them up, it's how you speak about them in rooms that they're not in. It's about all of that. And so, without that self-awareness and how you're showing up and presenting and supporting the people around you, that emotional intelligence is just unattainable.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:So it occurred to me really then the divide is self-awareness versus self-obsession. My student was the this young woman she would when she was being, when she was self-obsessed, she silenced herself when she became self-aware. He has begun to practice speaking up in class.
Speaker 1:Very nice, I like it. I like it. That is such a great.
Speaker 2:I love that you put it forward that way. What a great to use her right as that example and be able to use her to show both sides of that.
Speaker 1:I love that that's so powerful you know, what gets me, though, is like the guy that's the, you know the, the low bs tolerance guy. How self-aware and emotionally intelligent was he for to speak up in that moment? Oh yeah, because he could have just sat there. He just sat there, JP and, and he created that self-awareness for her.
Speaker 3:How, what you said? Absolutely true. It was so gracious what he did. I was stunned because he never, at any point in time during these last six, seven weeks, given any indication that he was willing to offer that kind of a graciousness to anyone.
Speaker 3:And here's the thing, and this is where this is our moment of Zen, this is where we are all to use my word, wackadoo where we are so contorted and complicate our lives because I am not convinced that the graciousness he showed her is the graciousness he's showing himself.
Speaker 3:Right, and I don't want to get into, like the, the personality dynamics of my students here. However, he has thrown up a lot of resistance to what I have been offering in the class, a lot of resistance, and so this is, I think, when we talk about self-awareness and emotional intelligence and we talk about all the good things that you have been talking about for 50 episodes now, there's always that tendency to think well, okay, I want the six easy steps and, as the three of us know and I think it's pro, most likely your listeners know there are no six easy steps. That's right. So the, the, the, the, to be gracious in this moment and to be resistant in that, most in that moment, and that's the struggle, yeah, to increase the gracious moments and ease the power of the non-gracious moments.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:And.
Speaker 2:I think at the core of all of that is intentionality, mm-hmm, right, I mean. I just feel like because, to your point, jp, yes, like you said, if people have taken away anything from 50 episodes, it should be that there are no step-by-step guides, right. But it's kind of you know, knowing who you are and or who you want to be, and then every day being intentional about it, like there's, it doesn't happen accidentally, it just doesn't. That's the truth, right, and so every day being intentional about it, yeah.
Speaker 3:Yes yes yes, and you know, my, my, my work is guided by the belief that we all do what we do and say what we say for a reason, and there is no change, there's no development, there's no evolution, there's no growth without understanding why you do what you do and say what you say.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And what I find is fascinating, among other adjectives, or is that how many people are surprised by the, by the inward nature of the course. It's called the dynamics of interpersonal communication. People come looking for the six easy steps and inevitably two things happen. One of two things happen. Either someone will at some point in time say to me wow, I didn't think I was going to think about myself as much as I am in this class. Or I've had people come up to me before they drop the class and say you know, you're an interesting guy, interesting class. I'm really not interested in looking at myself and say you know, you're an interesting guy, interesting class.
Speaker 1:I'm really not interested in looking at myself.
Speaker 3:I came A little awareness right there. Yes, amen, I was hoping you would tell me what I should do.
Speaker 3:I didn't know it was going to be work. I don't want to do the reflection papers. I don't want to figure out what's my relationship to any of this. Just don't want to do the reflection papers. I don't want to figure out what's my relationship to any of this. Just tell me what to do. I'm busy. I'm too busy to do whatever. And I raise that because what I have struggled with is you know how, how do you go about becoming self-aware if you have minimal history of being invited to be self-aware?
Speaker 1:Right, that's exactly right, you know it. That brings me to when I first started coaching. I mean, let me just say this us coaches, we're like you know, we're natural coaches. We've been coaching our whole lives in different ways and we didn't know how, but somebody saw something in us that was like hold on, like you have, you have a gift of of sorts and and, and I think you can use it.
Speaker 1:So when, when I first started coaching, it was for business coaching, but I had an epiphany at that moment because we had a coach that came in. That was like you know she was, she was a life coach and she was our director of operations and she was there to help coach and stuff like that. But you know her, like her mindset. I was like, how am I, how am I going to tell people? Like, how am I going to motivate people? How am I going to do all these things when I can't even motivate myself? Like I don't believe that I can do this.
Speaker 1:You know, and that was my moment of self-awareness Like, who the like? Who the hell do you think you are? You know, like, how are you going to do this? And I mean the business side of it. I knew it was no problem, but it was like that heart side and I was just like I don't, I can't even do this for myself. So I had to go okay, I'm my first client, I'm my first life coach client and I go and do these exercises and and and when.
Speaker 1:When we were doing workshops, sales workshops, and that were three days long, I would go and like study my boss, study my mentor. What were the stories he was telling, how? What feelings was he pulling out of the, out of the people, what? What was the energy? What was? Why did he tell that story?
Speaker 1:And then I ended up writing the coaching training for all the new coaches because I spent that time. It was like I. I was like this is my time and this is where I need to do it, because I'll never have this opportunity again. And I had control over my own schedule. And so I dove in and the self-awareness that I gained in that year, that I went to every single bootcamp, I was teaching bootcamps by the end of the year I was helping him, like I became his assistant, I became his, his go-to person to throw in and and I need a break, you know. So I ended up learning all of that.
Speaker 1:But because of that self-awareness and like I didn't think I could do that, I had to change shift gears and that's when I started creating my own self-awareness and like that level, you know. So you never know when it's going to hit you and so your people coming into the class, it wasn't their moment, they're not hearing it, they're not seeing what they need to see, and I'm 30 something and I'm learning all this stuff. At that moment in time and I was like, thank God, like I didn't even know this about myself, I didn't know how I was showing up, I didn't know, you know, and we're still learning things about ourselves. I've learned a ton this year, but that was that, that catalyst for me, you know, and and needing to know and being self-aware, right?
Speaker 2:Well, and I think that you know it ties into this um idea, and I want to say it was a.
Speaker 2:I want to say it was a book by Adam Grant, and now I can't remember which one, but he talks about, like, the smartest people are the people who are constantly trying to prove themselves wrong, and it's a similar thing here, right, like, the most self-aware people are the people who are constantly and consistently doing that outward piece that you talked about, jp, and that you're talking about Jane, right, like that constant intentionality and never walking around, letting assumptions be what drive their thinking, right, but are kind of inherently saying, maybe I'm being, you know, let me check this, right, because my intention is to be blank, but let me check it to make sure.
Speaker 2:And I've, you know, we've all had those people we work with who aren't particularly self-aware or are and are happy to make people around them miserable. One of those two things is true, right, and I often wonder, like, if you do, you, you know, do you realize you're doing this to people or is it an accident? And I always try to come at it from the I always try to assume the best of people, right? So I'm assuming you don't intend to, but then again, if you're not, if you're not giving people permission to say out loud, right, that that this is happening or they're experiencing this or that, then in the end you're you know it's I don't know. I guess what I hope people take away from this conversation is that if you're not intentional about both pieces that we're talking about, about the inward and the outward then then you're not in fact self-aware, right?
Speaker 2:You're not in fact like kind of bringing your best self to to the people around you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I just, you know, jump onto that. Like people use that as a defense mechanism. You know, like they're being unself aware, like, well, I didn't know it did that and I, when they, I think they are, I think they are aware and it's just a defense mechanism. Like you do, you did that, you know what you were doing. You know, like you are self-aware, you did that intentionally. So let's just say that you did it intentionally and why you know, instead of I didn't know, no, you did yeah.
Speaker 2:So exploring the why Right.
Speaker 1:I think, exploring the.
Speaker 2:Why is the huge part there? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3:Absolutely always coming on your podcast. It it's always so nice. But then there comes a point in the podcast and I've reached that point right now where it's like, oh, this should be a pajama party. It's like, okay, yeah, there's just so it's. It's that that you know that notion of do people realize what they're doing? And I laughed because, janice, you're such a lovely person. You said I want to think the best of people. I, as the jaded New Yorker and I haven't lived in New York for a long time but it's like, oh, for God's sake, girl.
Speaker 2:What do you mean?
Speaker 3:know, it's true, though and I'm chatting, my mother's screaming in my head, screaming at you. It's like, oh, don't be a fool. But then you added that piece that's interesting, jane where it's that sense of you know, if you confront them, it's like you, of you know, if you confront them, it's like you know, you know. And I think I wonder if part of it is this that when somebody does something that generates positivity, when somebody is gracious, there have been occasions where I've said, well, you know something along the lines of how lovely, what prompted you to say that? Or do that, love that? And the person will say to me oh, I don't know, I me, oh, I don't know, I just did it, I don't know why. Well, I think that, while it's true that people can be gracious and positive, generating and still not know why, I think people can generate negativity and also not know why.
Speaker 2:Because we are I was going to say, lazy, but I'll pull back the word we are untrained in understanding our why yeah no matter what the whether, the why is generating positivity or generating negativity right, well, but I also, which I think a leads to my whole like I like to assume the best about people, which doesn't make me. It doesn't mean that I'm naively going oh, I'm sure you know he didn't mean to or she but more of like, you know, I, I, I. The assumption I think I make is that people show up in general in the best form they have, and and that most people, and I shouldn't say even most many, if not most people, don't intend to cause negativity in the people around them on a day, toto-day basis. And if they're doing it, maybe they don't realize it. That's what I mean by that. Now, that's, I know there are some people who do. Some people thrive on making other people feel like crap, like I, completely. We all can name a few, right, but in general I like to assume okay. So, and it ties back to when I was a school principal, right, I, my joke would be on both sides Um, every parent out there is sending us the best they've got. They don't. They're not keeping the the their good children at home, right, they're sending us the best they've got. Every teacher, I do, and here exactly, I do inherently believe that every teacher shows up wanting to do the best by kids every single day. I don't believe and maybe there's the rare exception that there's a teacher out there who shows up thinking I can't wait to screw this up for these kids today. And so then, for us as leaders, it becomes inherently our responsibility to help create the conditions to ensure that those kids that showed up from those parents who sent us their best can thrive, and likewise for the adults, right? So that's what I mean when I say I kind of assume the best of folks, but I think that you know it becomes then about how we lean into.
Speaker 2:Or the last part you said JP made me think that I wonder how much of a lack of self-awareness can be tied to the fact that as a society to use that really big term we are more focused on the me than we've ever been before. We are less focused on the idea of community collectively than we've ever been before. Right, we live in a time right now where we are so focused on getting what I can get for me and mine. You know, what can I get for me? How do I make sure we are safe, how do I make sure? And less focused on the sense of community, right Like when you think about and I know enough to be dangerous about history. So I'm not pretending to be a historian, but, generally speaking, right Early on in our history, we, we thrived in community.
Speaker 2:We understood that the more of us there were, the safer we were right, like, we have to take care of the group, and the group is what's going to keep us safe. I feel like now and again I'm I'm speaking in real big generalities. I don't. I know plenty of people who feel differently, but there's less of an emphasis on the we and more of an emphasis on the me, and because of that, or and I'm chicken before the egg, right Is that? Does a lack of self-awareness lead to that? Is it that because of that, we don't necessarily really have to focus on the self-awareness? I don't know.
Speaker 3:And now I feel like I'm going off into Well, it goes, but it goes again back to what I said of self-awareness versus self-obsession. Yes, and so there is this, I think, the most defining experience in my life was when I had the great opportunity to live in the South Pacific for three years, and I lived on the south of Guam, the Chuk Lagoon, and the great gift that they gave me was the gift of hospitality.
Speaker 3:It was the gift of being in the moment with the person in front of you, and when I would visit, it was an island you could walk around in like 48 hours and there was no place else to go in 48 hours. But that sense of I would go to somebody's home, I would go into a village. Now, granted, I was teaching at this very treasured high school, so there was a certain respect accorded me because I was the teacher at this beloved high school. However, people stopped what they were doing and gave me their best food, the best mac, the best spot, the best coconut, and were with me, and it has influenced all of my work. And I think that notion of and appropriate that we're speaking of this as we barrel into Thanksgiving that notion of being and seeing the person in front of you Yep, in front of you, yep.
Speaker 3:Whether it was whether you are giving them three minutes of your time or 30 minutes of your time. That is, that ability to look up from the phone and see the person by your side. I mean, the first night of class, everybody sat there before class, started looking at their phones. It was like at the airport.
Speaker 1:And now, you know, seven, eight weeks later, people come into class, they sit down and they start talking, Because the person is no longer the stranger, no longer the other Right, you know this brings me to and this is so current with everyone right now, but it made me think of me and my youngest daughter, genevieve. Like she and I were having a conversation and she's very shy, she's very, she's very introverted. She had select mutism as a child, like she would not talk to anybody. She would talk through me a lot there, you know. And so, um, but she came to me and um, and you know, she was like I have friends but I don't, like I don't talk to them and I go, why I go? You enjoy their company, they talk to you, she, they're all of.
Speaker 1:Most of her friends are very outgoing, you know, and so they talk to her. So it makes it easier. And I said, well, what do your friends talk about? And she's like nothing really. And I go, well, why? And she goes, I don't know how to have a conversation. Wow, what great self-awareness.
Speaker 1:First, off for and this was, you know, this was last year when she was 13,. Now she's 14, but you know, she's like I don't know how to have a conversation. And I said you and I talk all the time and she goes. But that's you and chase and and I go. You know how to have a conversation. I said what? What we need to teach you how is how to start a conversation, and you know.
Speaker 2:So we're teaching her about icebreaker questions and and open-ended questions versus close-ended questions, and you know, and all the things thank God she has a coach.
Speaker 1:I mean for a mom, you know, like let's go. We're in the car. I'm like what are you talking about? Let's do it. But the self-awareness of our youth right now is huge. Like they, I really do feel, like our, our youth are. They're just so emotionally intelligent how they talk and that's through us. Yes, you may suck at it sometimes, but we're doing.
Speaker 1:We're doing something right with our younger generation and the fact that she felt confident enough or or comfortable enough to even talk to me about it, but then be self-aware about it and then and then try it and actually practice it with me and and do those things. She's, you know, she's not out there speech and debate, but she's getting more comfortable and she's more attention and she's paying attention to how she's showing up and what she's doing and stuff like that. So you know it just. It brings it full circle to here. We are adults, past our forties. You know it just. It brings it full circle to here. We are adults, past our forties. You know, in our forties and past you know, and and learning how to do this, when these young individuals in our homes already have it in them. You know, and so it's like you know. So it's just bringing that awareness of everyone and and just really working on it, because I learned a lot about how I show up this year, you know, and and learning about the ADHD and and just really working on it, because I learned a lot about how I show up this year, you know, and and learning about the ADHD and and depression and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:There was things that I was doing that I had no idea was affecting people around me, you know, there's things that I've done my whole life that this year I've tried to do and got called out on it and I was like, oh, you know, like I am so good at turning off my emotions and being a nice queen and just going moving on. Like I, I'm so good at that, that's survival, right, that's that's that's when it comes to romantic relationships, I am so good at that, and. But there's somebody in my life that called my ass out and I was like. They were like look, I don't think you realize how that made me feel and I was like I love that that whole.
Speaker 2:Like they said, I don't think you realize.
Speaker 1:You know it right, and I didn't Versus, assuming you were just being a biatch or whatever it was, you were doing or just being cold and shutting it down because I didn't have the capacity and I was like it didn't feel good, a survival mode, blah, blah, blah, backing up close that door and they were like no, no, no, no, no no, no, no.
Speaker 3:Because normally, what an incredible gift, right, you know, in my family and my family is certainly not unique from all other New York Irish Catholic families, new york irish catholic families in that the the go-to protocol is someone pisses you off, uh, you banish them from your life right, right, pretty much yeah and you don't tell them why they're being banished. Right, they're banished, yeah, it's it's, you're done.
Speaker 2:The kids call that ghosting jp yeah, yeah, yeah it's, it's, it's.
Speaker 3:We invented ghosting we did.
Speaker 2:I think they did, but they didn't oh yeah, no, no, no.
Speaker 3:I my, I think my family were the origins of ghosting, but um, and ghosting makes it sound festive I'm gonna do a tiktok on this the history of ghosting all the way back to my. Called you out because, oh, that is an example of someone who is self-aware.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, he's very self-aware and it also shows that it's the hard path right because you can imagine like that moment for him, you know where, because we've all been in that moment where, like there's a pit in your stomach. It's incredibly stressful. You don't. Everything is saying in your brain is saying don't say it, right, and then you just rip the bandaid off and you say it, and then it's like, oh, like what good can come from it. But it's risky because you could have also been like and now I'm doubling down on that and see you Right, yeah, you're blocked, exactly.
Speaker 1:You're blocked. But that was the thing is. Like they were pushing, like, is this, is this what you really want? And I was just like just leave me alone right now, like give me a break, well, you know. And it was that push and I was like then yes, I'm done, leave me alone, yeah, I'm done. And then it was like the next day was like Whoa, whoa, whoa, Whoa. You know well, but the fact of the matter was is that I still answered the phone you know, I care about them, they care about me, and, and, and, and.
Speaker 1:I'm really trying to work on myself in those aspects. Whether it lasts a long time or not, I need to work on that on myself, because that is not a way to function, and I know that. And um, and that's just been my go-to for a couple of several decades, and um at this point.
Speaker 2:we talk about it all the time, just JP and I all the time like, oh my God, she's a mess and our weekly calls that we have about you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know I figured so no, but, but but that was it was, it was a gift to me because I didn't realize how I was affecting absolutely them and and, but with that awareness, it, it, it softened me a little bit in the aspect of like, okay, like I really need to not do that, you know, and and and stuff like that. I I've never done that to family, which is you know and understand why you do do it.
Speaker 1:We've had a conversation, so I know that and I do understand, and that was the big thing, Like, ah, you know, like this is why I'm doing it, you know, and I told them that and they understood and and blah, blah, blah and no-transcript, who were given a problem to tackle Doesn't matter what it is, and they were put in three groups.
Speaker 2:And group one was just here's the problem, do whatever you would do, right, like, go solve it. Here's the problem Do whatever you would do, right, like, go, go solve it. Group two was same thing, but they were told to be self-aware, like literally told like four to six year olds hey, we want you to go do blank and be self-aware, right? Which I thought was really funny. And then the third group was told to tackle the problem the way they thought their favorite superhero would.
Speaker 2:So, whether you're a superhero, is Batman, spider-man you know, whatever the princess from Beauty and the Beast, like whoever it is, tackle it like your favorite superhero would. And, of course, shocker of all shockers, that group of kids like were you know 30 plus percent more effective at tackling the problem. And what I loved about that was, as a parent, same thing like you, tell me to you know what it's important to develop self-awareness in your kid. Great, got it? How Right? Like okay, so what does that look like? How do I do that? And I just loved this because I thought to myself oh my gosh, whether you're four to six, whether you're, you know, six to 10, at 12, 13, even right now, right, you could say to me it maybe it's not even my superhero, but it's somebody I admire. Right in my own head. Now I can think to myself how would blank do this? And yes, for all of our um, you know, uh, big, you know, christian population I'm thinking about the WWJD bracelets, right, that's such a thing for so long.
Speaker 2:If that is your, if that's your go-to, let that be. Whatever your go-to is in terms of like, that person, entity you admire, that because of the way they are received by the world. Right, not present themselves, but how they're received by the world around them and I thought, oh my God, at any age you can use that prompt to help develop your own self-awareness, because to be like them, you actually have to realize where you are and then make the change, make the shift, make the. You can't just, it's not in a vacuum, right, you actually have to understand where you are first and then, you know, factor in those qualities from that person that you're emulating. So anyway, I just I feel like that's a really great way to start thinking about it when we think about supporting others, right, whether you're coaching, like you're talking about, whether you're, you know, even in your communications class, jp, I'm sure you have some suggestions as well, but anyway, that was my like. I'm going to be grabbing onto that one for a long time.
Speaker 3:I just think it because it's true, and so often People will come to me and ask what should I do? The most fundamental question, though, the question that needs to be asked first, is essentially the question that you just raised, jane, which is janice, which is the question. Who in this moment? Who do I want to be right? And if you don't understand the who? Yes you're not going to understand the what that's right.
Speaker 3:And I think that's really the whole concept behind that experiment is and and If you know who you want to be, it will guide you in the choices you make in terms of how you do it, you do it, that's it Right, a hundred percent.
Speaker 1:I mean, I use I use a term with my business, like, especially when I'm doing sales coaching is act, your wage same thing, what's the wage that you're shooting for and what are the actions and the habits that those people that make that wage do? Because that's what you're going to need to do in order to get there. And so when you say it like that, they're like oh, because it's the it, that's the how, that's the how, what's why? What are all the reasons why you want to make that money? Okay, family, you have hobbies, you want to send your kids to college, you want to do all these things? Okay, that's that's the why and the how is is that you have to have those habits, you have to have goals, all of those things and and honestly, like, even setting goals create self-awareness.
Speaker 1:What are you working towards? That's right. Most people don't even know what they're working towards because you know there's there's two types of people You're either going to exist or you're going to live life. You can exist all day long, but it takes effort to live and it takes effort to actually fulfill your life and hit those goals and everything else. So, yeah, you can exist all day long, we all can exist. We can all sit here and exist, but we're not going to be living. And so it's making that choice and being self-aware of am I living or am I existing.
Speaker 2:I love that, you guys.
Speaker 3:So, janice, I don't know, do we have a few minutes left Because I'm the guest? So I guess, thought, and it is Thanksgiving, and I realized this as I was getting ready for the Zoom, and I don't think people understand there's no reason why anybody would know this that the three of us have never met in person, never, and you know. Again, let's hold hands and have a moment of zen. The kind of conversation that we have had today, the kind of conversations that I've had, that I've been privileged to have with each of you and the two of you together in the last 50 episodes, is a gift, is remarkable.
Speaker 3:We can bash technology, even though everything I own begins with the letter I, but the idea that the and it was you, jane, who mentioned it to me the last time we spoke of how we had never met in person and it was like no, wait a minute, no, we must've met in person. And then it's like, oh, no, wait a minute, oh, we must have met in person. And then it's like, oh, no, wait a minute. Oh, we met during the pandemic. Oh, no, no, we've never. Never, janice was Jane, as you know, who introduced us, and I think it's well, first of all as we approach Thanksgiving. I am thankful that somehow or other we met.
Speaker 2:Amen.
Speaker 3:My mind is way too foggy to figure out how we ended up on the 50th episode together. It is that notion of you can be present in any way, shape or form or through any medium.
Speaker 2:Amen Yep.
Speaker 3:And it is the power of conversation. Yes, because certainly for you and me, jane, since you were my point of contact, it was in an arena of workshop, of conversation, that we met and you know, janice, we then continued on with conversation, and that is magic.
Speaker 3:That is power, and so, for all of those of you listening, I hope you've made it to this point in the podcast to understand that we are three random people in the universe. Very much so, and the two of you are celebrating Thanksgiving. But you know, we're certainly at a point. For me, it's like the two of you could could ask virtually anything of me, and it's like, oh yeah of course. Yeah, no problem.
Speaker 1:Same same.
Speaker 3:And it's like because I was saying to somebody oh, I'm doing a podcast on Sunday morning. They said, oh, and then and they said, well, how did you find you? Oh God, it's like you know, buy me a drink, so all of that. How lovely.
Speaker 2:How lovely.
Speaker 1:We absolutely adore you and just to share some love too, was in a. You know like we met. You were doing ucla, I was at sola, I was the, the coach for all of the 200 um scholarship awardees and stuff like that. And you, when you came on because they had they had a series of different coaches and you were the very last one, but one of the like the guys in the middle, older guy, older, you know, like older white guy, and he said the most obscene things to the audience that we were serving that I had to call Yuri and go never again. Like this guy was like race, racial things, stuff like that, and so so the last thing and you pop up and I'm like oh, dear God, are you saying because he was an older white guy?
Speaker 1:also you may have. I assumed I made an assumption from.
Speaker 3:New York. I was like oh, dear God, please, york.
Speaker 1:I was like, oh dear god, please. And I was like, and he's doing confidence. I'm like what the fuck? Like I was just dying on the inside. But as soon as you started talking, like I had the heart-shaped eyes and they were beating out and I was like I love this guy. Like at the end of the thing, I was like he's gonna be my new best friend, like he is going to be and and this is like you know, we're working on five years of knowing each other.
Speaker 1:Now, you know it'll be four. It'll be four years in January, I think. So we're almost on our four year anniversary. But no, I've enjoyed every just knowing that you're there and I can give you a call whenever or send you an email and you'll set up an appointment and just you're just. You're just a huge light in my life and I just absolutely adore you and, um, we're going to meet in person one of these days. So we need to, we need to do like a new year's live one or something, I don't know, but I mean new year's eve at my house I'm just saying, and I will, the only fine point I'm going to put on is um, you know ditto all around in the shorter time.
Speaker 2:Obviously that we've known each other, um, but I think that, jp, I love the shorter time. Obviously that we've known each other, but I think that, jp, I love that you brought up the fact that we've never met in person, because I'm always the. You know, we're in this trend. Right now, I feel like in my spaces where people are saying, oh my gosh, we need to be back and now we need to be like like nobody wants to do this anymore.
Speaker 2:Everybody's over this technology, over the, and we can't connect. That's the thing I take issue. We can't connect like we get and I, every single time, I'm the voice in the room who says I'm going to have to beg to differ on that because I have way too many experiences of connecting way too deeply. Do you have to think about how you do it? Yes, does it have to be a little bit different? Yes, but can it be done A hundred percent? It can be done. So I, if you're not connecting, I done a hundred percent, it can be done, so I, if you're not connecting, I'm going to tell you you can't blame it on the technology. That's not, that's not the thing, right. And this is, like you said, proof of that Exactly and it's not the same.
Speaker 1:You're right, but you know what we've. I mean, janice, you and I, like we've seen each other a handful of times in the last two years. We've created a great bond, you know, and JP, you and I and even Janice, like this is, this is special, like I really do think it's special and that's why you always come up, jp, because you have such great insight and all three of us had great insight and and a little different. But that's what people need to hear, because not just is going to have the same idea and then blast it out there and be like this is the only idea. You, you got three different. Our listeners got three different versions of self-awareness and leading into emotional intelligence and conversation. This is all one big package for you guys.
Speaker 2:So the real question is when they make the movie of the story of our lives and they will who's going to play? Jp? Just putting that out there, JP. We'll have the answer today, but we're just going to need to need to know that we'll film it.
Speaker 1:I love it a hundred percent. That's a family. We're not paying for filming come on, nobody else.
Speaker 3:Nobody else could tell tolerate it well, I I hope you'll invite me for the hundredth episode.
Speaker 1:Oh, of course, and Meredith, we should bring Meredith on too, you know.
Speaker 2:Well, and so, speaking of that, for the people who've been hanging on since the beginning of this conversation, as we wrap it up now, because I said at the beginning, and we're going to tell you what we've decided are we continuing, aren't we continuing? You can rest easy.
Speaker 3:You can sleep well tonight.
Speaker 2:We're going another 50. We, you're going another. Well, tonight, yeah, we're going another 50. Um, we haven't put a time on that yet, right? Um, I think we're both smart enough, not to say in the year because we have both realized that our lives are too.
Speaker 2:There's only 52 weeks in a year, um, but that, no matter how long does it take, how long it takes us, we're gonna. We're gonna do another 50, and so we're looking forward to all that that brings and all that that can. Um, you know, all that it brings to us and hopefully, all that we bring to all of you who have been there since the beginning or are tagging into us, into us now, and we're going to get this episode up by Wednesday Damn it If it kills us all in order for it to be there by Thanksgiving, in order for it to be there by Thanksgiving. And so you know, from us to you thank you for being a part of the conversation and a part of this space with us. You have so many choices and the fact that you make time for this is huge to us, so we are so grateful for you.
Speaker 1:We love you all and we're very grateful Amen. Amen Peace out.
Speaker 2:everybody have a great Thanksgiving.
Speaker 1:Yes, thank you.
