Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
A Candid Conversation: Decreasing Social Media, Private Moments, and Small Wins
Join us as we explore grief, privacy, and social media’s impact on personal sharing. We discuss our recent experiences of losing a pet and the complexities of choosing what to share or keep private in a digital age.
• Understanding the process of grieving a pet
• Impacts of oversharing personal moments on social media
• The importance of mental pictures versus shared images
• Insights on navigating family communications about sharing
• Reflections on a two-week social media detox experience
• Finding healthier habits and using time productively
• The role of intentionality in sharing personal stories
• Examining boundaries regarding family privacy and sharing choices
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you're listening to dumpster diving with janice and jane um, you needed to do like a little hand, like I think. I think that this is like you know what?
Speaker 2:you're not the boss of me. Okay, how cute is this? It is very cute, pretty cute. I don't know that I could pull it off the way you can well, I did.
Speaker 1:I did touch up my hair, so i'm'm extra blondie and my and I have Bobby pins pinning back because it's long enough now on the side to start to pin down a little bit. It's the curls. The curls are crazy, the curls are crazy, and so I have to like when they're wet, I got to smooth them down and then, just like, this is my hairstyle from yesterday. I wore my bonnet last night, so thank you. But yeah, I have a couple of Bobby pins because it's dry and it's like you know what?
Speaker 2:I think that you should take one for the team and let our listeners slash viewers, cause we're talking about YouTube, See. But that's okay Next time.
Speaker 1:Oh, I already have a plan. So the other night I was on um my friend Kyle, who you know, our listeners know, and and stuff like that, so I don't know. I had my hair down, but then I put it up and the sides were super curly and I looked like I was wearing a powdered wig. We were dying, dying, we were laughing so hard I'm I'm crying. And he was like I go, I look like the Quaker Oats man, like I can't with this right now, because so, and not in a good way, and I just lightened it, so it was like super cotton ball, like the curls were a perfect powder wig. And then, with the hair that's long, I was like like I could even have a ponytail. And so he really wanted me to show up to our next recording looking like I was wearing a powder wig. I was like, okay, look, this is a private moment for us because I will not I go.
Speaker 1:You and I have known each other for like 15 years. You have seen me at my worst and see me at my best. You can see me looking like I'm wearing. You have seen me at my worst and see me at my best. You can see me looking like I'm wearing a powdered wig.
Speaker 2:No one else will see me looking like I'm wearing a powdered wig. I mean crazy. We've only been each other's lives a few years, but we are officially sisters. We are blood that Kyle should get something that I don't get.
Speaker 1:Well, I'll send you the picture privately, because I did take a screenshot as I was like dying, but you know what.
Speaker 2:That's actually a great segue, because today we're really just kind of catching up. We've said some things in our last episode that we would just want to follow up on, because we're trying really hard to like help model for other people, right, what we say, we do, and so I wasn't going to talk about this. But you just said, you know, some things are for private moments, right? So our pup, cora, passed away this week. As you know, you and I talked about this earlier and it was, you know, devastating and grueling and the end was not pretty for her and and it, and yet we, you know, there were a couple of moments where I could, like take a picture of her, like when she had, like, a moment of peace, and it made me. It ties to the fact that I'm going to do an update on being off of social media for the last two weeks and it made me think about, like, so how much we post on social media things that in the past would have been considered private moments, right, and I am this is not a diss, right, like everybody should do what feels right to them, right? But, um, you know, people post about their pets passing away all the time, and I understand that it's like a way to honor, et cetera. Um, but it made me realize, like there, sometimes people post about that stuff and they post pictures right Of, like the last moment when they're with their pup or what they were.
Speaker 2:And I, just for me, like as we were going through all that, a it didn't even cross my mind because I was already off social media for a while and, b I didn't want pictures of those moments. Like, for me it was like those were out. Like sometimes I feel like it's okay for it to be a mental picture and not an actual picture, and it's it. And I, again, I think being off of social media has kind of got me thinking about that. But when is it, you know, when is a mental picture more meaningful than an actual picture?
Speaker 2:And and so I was glad that I like, for me it was like okay, yeah, I, some things are meant to be private moments and again, we have to all decide this for ourselves. I'm not saying and this should be what I'm saying Each of us has to decide that for ourselves, right, there's not a right or wrong. But for me, that was like one of those like this is a private moment that will only be held by us and our memories. And um, and that's okay, cause there was a second where I was like when I go back on social media, should I post about it? And then I was like, no, like that's just us, so anyway, that's what you mean.
Speaker 1:No, I agree, and I and I'm very proud of you for that because, you know, in the past I have posted little things about that, you know, you know and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:But but I think about it this way too, and this just kind of popped up in my head because our brother Jason, you know his passing was just the anniversary of his passing was on the 21st.
Speaker 1:I usually do, like um, you know, a big post about him, you know, and and and that's more in like Memorial, you know, and there's that knew him and friends with me on Facebook and stuff like that. But I think, like the death of an animal and in in a home, like yes, it's sad, and everybody who has a pet that loves their pets understand and are empathetic and everything else. But I think you're right, like that's something that I don't want to get condolences on social media about my pet that slept in my bed with me, you know. Or you know like that is so personal and just you know, yeah, like I agree, like I just I think that certain things shouldn't be put on social media. And and it's so funny that we're on this trail because I just watched the um the, the ruby, frankie um hulu, um yeah, I haven't watched it, yeah so I've seen like main, you know, like redone this story like a billion times, but this is from the husband and the kids point of view.
Speaker 1:Oh, I can't wait to see it and their point of view from some of the other things. But but what they go into is the actual like Climate of the inside the family, of when all of this was going on, and they talk about their private moments and everything being filmed. She always had the camera on them and it was talking with like the kids were confessing about how they were uncomfortable to older kids and they started having behavioral problems because of it. But the mom was just Ruby was just so like. This is everything, you know, this is everything. And so even that like, like you know, we really have to like. I feel like we need to scale back on how much we are putting out there and really make it for you know, keep those private moments private, because that's what family is for, that's what privacy is for, that's what all of those things, and we are so eager and used to now blasting our personal business. But on the, on the, on the interwebs, you know, and there's some, I like the privacy, I like the, I like it.
Speaker 2:And we all have to again, we all have to kind of discern that and actually, now that you brought that story into this, I think that the the consideration is like has your family had a conversation about what are going to be the guardrails right?
Speaker 1:What are the boundaries Right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly Because in the story you're talking about, it's the mom who's the one who made the decision for everybody that all of their lives, everything will be.
Speaker 2:But in some cases it's your teenager, right, who's like taking pictures or videos in moments where you're like. So I wonder about right, Like as a family, if, from a parenting perspective, if one of the kind of you know evolutions of the role of the, like you said, the interwebs, and and and social media, et cetera, in our lives, isn't that any of it's bad, but that it's another layer of where we have to have candid conversations and come to some consensus. Right, Like, early on before right, when Facebook was really like the only social media platform you know, the Montanans said I'll speak for them because they were, you know, the ones I was with most of the time. Back then I remember for them it was like do not post a picture of me that I have not had a chance to see. And at first I remember being like uh, whatever. Then I was like no, of course, like, of course, Right, Like. How is posting a picture of you as my kid any different than inviting somebody into your space? Like, of course, you should have a say in that it shouldn't be something that's now, as they've gotten older, as adults, there was a, there was a period where I can, you know, admit to being like okay, now you have instagram and you have snapchat and you have all those things like screw you, but facebook is mine, like I can write right and on one hand they didn't care, because nobody they know about old people are on facebook, but
Speaker 2:then I kind of kind of quickly came back around and was like same thing. Like, even though they're not, you know they're on it, but even though, like, if you're going to post a picture of somebody else again, it's equivalent to inviting the world into their space. Of course they should be able to say yes or no, don't post that picture. And I don't think. I think, generally speaking, we don't think about that, we just automatically assume, like everybody knows that social media is a thing and if we take pictures, everybody knows it can be posted. I almost feel like that's we've gone so far in the, to the extreme of everything goes Right. And so, yeah, I think you know there's something to be said and again it's on my mind because of what we went through this week. There's just something to be said for, you know, mental, even, like I said, taking pictures of it and or posting it, but that mental memory sometimes are the best memories.
Speaker 2:Right it just and again, everybody has to figure their their thing out, right, but that was mine. That was the discovery I had this week, and I was grateful to have been off social media because otherwise I probably would have automatically like, without even thinking about it, I automatically would have done it.
Speaker 1:So anyway, Well, let's talk about. Let's talk about how your week of of no social media went.
Speaker 2:Um, two weeks. Thank you very much. Oh, that's right, two weeks, two weeks, um, okay, so I'm going to go back really quickly. So I'm in my phone right now for those of you who are listening right and I'm going back to when I was like, okay, I'm taking a break, like it was very impromptu, I decided it in the moment on our call, and so I'm going back to like like I think everybody knows this, but in your phone you can. It keeps track for you right Of, like day to day, how much time you spent with your phone in your hand. Basically, right, we, that's the equivalent of screen time, um, and then it breaks that down and, by app, it will tell you how much time you spent on each app. This stuff's not a mystery, you don't have to guess at it. It is there in your phone, right, which is also great, a great reminder for parents. It will tell you how many times you picked up your phone that day. I did, did not know any of this until I did this right.
Speaker 1:I don't want to know that.
Speaker 2:I don't want to know that and it will tell you how many notifications you got that day right oh dear God.
Speaker 2:So, and again where they were from. So one of the things that I immediately understood, of course, all my numbers went down, right, all my numbers went down because I decided not to be on social media. I did realize, by the way, all number because I decided not to be on social media. I did realize, by the way, all I had to do was turn off notifications, right, yeah, part of me thought maybe I need to delete the apps Like. Am I actually going to be able to like, control myself?
Speaker 1:I was really pleasantly, because that was my suggestion Just turn off the notifications, Cause I'm like don't, don't go through all that bullshit to yourself completely Like see if you have that self-control and if you don't, I did you know, I did.
Speaker 2:I think there was one point. There was only one time that I picked up my phone, and so the thing is like when you, if you have an iPhone especially, you pick it up and you go to search something, all the things you usually search for a pop-up first. So of course, Instagram, Tik TOK, all the things show up there. And there was one time where I, literally through muscle memory, clicked on the TikTok icon and then it was like my phone was on fire because I was like, oh crap, Like I was like fumbling with my phone. They're like you're back. I'm like no, no, I'm not, Don't count it. Don't count it. You know, like on my analytics. So I here's what I'll tell you before I turn off notifications I had like 400 plus notifications a day. Holy shit, no, the fuck wonder. We pick up our phones all the time. I'm telling you wonder.
Speaker 1:That's why I turn off my notification.
Speaker 2:That's turning them off. It dropped it to like 200 and below. So the things I'm getting notification for right now are my calendar, and I have a million things on my calendar, so, no, no wonder. I get, of course, notifications for text messages and I get notifications for LinkedIn, because it's the one platform that I'm continuing to be on for professional purposes. So basically, that's, and obviously, if you get a call, whatever, those are the notifications that are coming through. And even with just those, my calendar, especially right Cause I have my work calendar, my shared calendar, which I have multiple calendars.
Speaker 1:It's probably going off every 15 minutes Exactly.
Speaker 2:I could probably go in there and in fact that would be my next step is to go in and on all but my like to go in and, I don't know, turn off some notifications. But you know, it's like your calendar is a reminder, I don't know, I'll figure that out, but my point in that is that you know so. So obviously my number of notifications went down and, as a result, the amount of pickups of my phone went down.
Speaker 2:And as a result, the amount of time that I spent on my phone went down and again it's deceiving because, like yesterday, right, no, hold on, that's, that was, that was last week. Let me go back to. Let's give me a second. Everybody Give me a second. I'm just going back to your sister, don't forget.
Speaker 1:I know I'm just trying to get off her phone for two weeks. She can't figure out.
Speaker 2:And then it gives you I don't know how to use it. Then it gives you the week's average and it tells you, like I'm down. I think it says 30, it said 23% the first time and 33%. So I'm down in terms of the amount of time I spend with it in my phone, which is, or in my hand, which is great. Oh, my Kindle app is another one, by the way.
Speaker 1:Like so I cause I look at it and I'm like I'm reading on that bitch.
Speaker 2:Like you're not. Yeah, you're reading books and, like yesterday, the last two days I was facilitating learning for my job and I use my phone with my presentation on it for my notes. So of course, I'm walking around with it all day, right? So you have to look beyond the amount of screen time. It's really the details behind that that matter. So where I'm at right now is, a celebrating the small win that I for two weeks I have been off those platforms and and B I've already decided I think I'm just going to stay off for a while, like I'm not going to commit to a timeframe, I'm just going to not go back on right now.
Speaker 2:And I think the big epiphany I came to was you know, I I need to decide what my purpose is on them, right? You know, I'm definitely one of millions and billions of people who are like how can I monetize this? Right? Is there something I can do to? Right? But I am not at a place where I have dedicated the time for that. And notice, I'm not saying I don't have time, because we all have the exact same amount of time in a day and there are people who do it, so, but I'm not in a place where I'm making time for that.
Speaker 2:So, um, so I need to, in my mind, like for my own kind of wellness, right, just stop chasing it until I have a plan, if I ever decided to do that, right, so, until I have a plan, um, so there's that. Yes, I, I have one of my things in the past that I've always said is like yes, and this is particular to Facebook, because that's where I really know people, like a lot of the people on Instagram, tiktok, I don't know them, right, so Facebook is my family and friends for the most part, and I often will say, gosh, it's so what I love about it is like if I haven't seen Jane for two years, and we run into each other, we're caught up on each other's lives. We don't have to go through the whole thing, we just kind of talk about, and so the epiphany I've had this couple of weeks is like or isn't it kind of beautiful to have to catch up on each other's lives, right?
Speaker 1:And we don't. I mean I honestly, and sorry that I'm jumping in here, but do it, please.
Speaker 1:We forgot how to communicate with each other and have those conversations and be able to be vulnerable with each other and and all those things. Social media has taken away the vulnerability of life, because all you need to do is post all the great things that you're doing or just post a bunch of silly stuff that you know makes people laugh or whatever, which I do, like I don't post a lot, but I share on my story, motivational, and all of those things. People know that I'm a very positive person anyway, and so they're always like thank you and blah, blah, blah. And I'm doing. That's just me sharing love in a digital way, because I know most of my people are on there. Because, let's be honest, Like I am a talker, I like to communicate with people.
Speaker 1:I like to talk on the phone or on FaceTime or whatever. Not everybody's like that and and I have to we have to find the way to communicate with those individuals to where they will reach out or answer the phone or whatever the case may be, because I have very good friends that I haven't talked to in years because they don't like to talk on the phone.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, and and so it's like we share text messages and stuff like that and whatever, and they have their own shit going on right and I think that, like I would tweak it for me, my experience is I don't necessarily think that we're we and I don't, I'm not suggesting, you meant it this way forgotten how to communicate.
Speaker 2:I think that we we forget about the power of real-time communication and that's kind of what I'm saying, yeah we have so much information, right, and because I'm somebody who I'm never going to point to social media and say it's responsible for whatever negative thing in the world, right, I think that it's a part of a larger picture of things, of the way our world has evolved. But I do I really appreciate that there's something about real time communication as well, and it's easy to be like to your point. Well, I haven't talked to Jane in a couple of years, but it's no big deal because I see her all the time on social media working at messages which, and again, again, that's great, because back when we only had telephones, right, like you, would go years without maybe seeing or talking to somebody because you don't have time in the day to like keep up with everybody via telephone. So it definitely in my mind, it's it can fill gaps.
Speaker 2:It's when, for me, in my experience, when you realize that it's become your primary way of communicating, right, right for me, that it's become your primary way of communicating, right, right, I think for me that's the epiphany I've had for the last two weeks is like, well, I don't want that to be the primary way, right, so yeah, so I feel like for now there has also been so there's no question that I've been more productive on other fronts. There have been lots of times when I you know, like I said I would the muscle memory of going and like, oh, I'm going to pick up my phone because no notifications are there. It has kept me from going to those. There's no question that if you want a shift in the amount of time you spend on social media, like you said, jane, turn off the notifications, even if you pick a platform.
Speaker 2:Maybe you take turns and you say turn off TikTok. Next time I'm going to turn off Instagram. That's it, Because that you know, when I pick up my phone and it's not there, I don't click on it. Here's the other thing I don't experience. I don't experience FOMO, I don't experience like if you see the notification, you think, oh, I need to go see what's going on in the world. When you don't see the notification, you have no idea. You feel compelled to do that and you're not missing out on anything because you don't know what's happening. Right, Like in terms of people's social stuff. So that has all been a big like relief, Right, A relief on my brain.
Speaker 2:There are more times where I am turning to just the book that I'm reading versus especially in like. Think of all the times where you just scroll. You scroll when you're waiting for stuff. Right, I'm waiting for the laundry to be done. I'm waiting for my doctor's appointment, I'm waiting in the checkout line at the grocery store. You scroll when you're waiting for stuff. So when you don't scroll, it's like you're paying attention to the world around you more, right, You're literally more aware of the world around you because of it. Those are some of the reflections.
Speaker 1:The world around you is so intriguing, there are so many things, and then you might want to grab your phone to take a picture, because you're like holy crap, this has to be documented. But then you only text it to your friends, right? Instead of putting it on social media.
Speaker 2:How many times do we take pictures of strangers and then put it on our on our social media, like, oh, look at this guy blah blah right seriously all the facial recognition out there, right, like there's going to come a time, not near or in the not far future, where any of us is going to be able to and I'm sure some people can do it right now but can go query the all the interwebs right For any image of themselves and they're going to be able to find those pictures that you think are harmless because you don't know this person. They'll never see it and I have. I will say that I've always.
Speaker 2:I have never posted a picture of someone else on social media that I don't know who I'm making fun of. I've never done that. I would never do that, right. But to your point, if I'm like recently I had made a post about like getting on a plane on a Southwest flight and like the joke was like everybody here's jockeying for a seat and I'm obsessed with this woman's jeans and I'm trying to figure out if I could pull it off Right, that look like that and so, but even in that, it wasn't that I took a picture of her face.
Speaker 2:It was literally her legs and her jeans. Right, you're like, these are awesome, Right, right.
Speaker 2:So but even that, right To your point, like the we, we all contribute to the lack of privacy that we have. Right, that's it. We all contribute to the lack of privacy that we have. And the other thing I will say really quickly that that's just reminding me of is the number of times I have gone to take a picture or do a video because I think about oh my gosh, this would make great, be real for something, oh, this would be great. Like the number of times like it's like constantly seeing your life in post. I was doing that and that's starting to diminish a little bit, and I think for me that's healthy, right? I think if your job is to make money on the, on social media, of course you have to see your world.
Speaker 1:You have to see your literally.
Speaker 2:You have to see the world in post, but that's not what I'm doing so I need to stop right.
Speaker 1:But at some point too, like even they need a break from it. You know I mean. Hello, ruby, frankie.
Speaker 2:Like I, you know that there's a part of your brain constantly thinking about that means that you are using energy, whether you're conscious of it or not, constantly like that, and that could be. I'm no scientist, I'm no researcher. This is not based on fact but it makes me wonder. Could that be contributing to people's struggles? Right? Well, and again, I'm not somebody who advocates that social media is the thing that's causing higher rates of depression. I will not advocate for that. But I am saying that some of the behaviors we are are are developing over time, consciously or unconsciously, could be right, as they're related so well.
Speaker 1:I've been doing the same thing. Yeah, a little bit. You know, like I mean, I'm not completely cold Turkey on the social media. You know there are some things that I go and look for because they're my like little daily mantras and stuff like that. So you know I'll and we were talking about this earlier like I'll go on social media and spend about five minutes, you know, and especially in the first thing in the morning, because there's a couple of ones that I always repost. You know, they're always at the top of my thing. As soon as I open it, there's my top five or whatever, and then I post them and then I'll scroll through to like some of my comedians and see if they have something new. You know, because I love to laugh, you know, and that's kind of my medicine is is laughter. So I always look for my favorite comedians. And, um, you know, if you guys have not watched Josh Johnson, you have to. He's hilarious.
Speaker 2:Um, we'll do that. When you sent me this morning the teacher.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, that guy's hilarious. He was very funny, yeah, he was in my feed this morning and I was like I love him, he does, um, they do. This little segment called oh God, what is it? Kids, things, things.
Speaker 2:kids say to a white teacher in a black school and a black teacher in a white school, and it's a okay. Yep, I've seen that.
Speaker 1:Hilarious, like they're hilarious. So I was cracking up and they came up on my feed this morning and I was like, oh my God, I got to send him this. Janice, he's hilarious, yeah. So I I crept you into Instagram this morning and I was like, oh my God, I got to send it to Janice.
Speaker 2:He's hilarious, yeah. So I I crept you into Instagram this morning and I'm sorry you did. That's okay when people cause there's a thing like I have other people we all do. We all have people that we regularly send stuff to. They send it to us, et cetera. Most people send it to me on those platforms, so I'm not seeing it Right. But I do have you, like you, who send me, and if I, I don't for me, like that doesn't count. If somebody sends me a video and a text, yeah and I know you're gonna like it.
Speaker 1:There's a purpose behind it you know, and it was a really funny teacher stand-up comedy thing.
Speaker 2:You know and, and you're a teacher- very, very funny, yes, very, um, uh, a little bit stereotypical, but you know, but it was hilarious. He nailed that guy in the audience, he nailed it. It was very funny, it was hilarious. He nailed that guy in the audience, he nailed it. It was very funny, it was hilarious, but you know.
Speaker 1:So the little things. But here are some of my takeaways from the last time we talked today.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:I have discovered new things that I like doing sitting there and scrolling, yeah, and and, and, mind you, like I didn't spend hours and hours scrolling, but the time that I did send spend scrolling I'm like I could be doing something about. Like this is stupid, you know, and like you. You know, like you were explaining earlier, like the amount of times we have our hand, our phone, in our hands, like the amount of times we have our hand, our phone, in our hands, and then we're doing stuff. While we're doing stuff, I stopped that Like I'll leave my phone in the other room, you know, and just I have to ring her up in case it, in case it rings, yeah, but I also have like so much going on in my world that's different and changing and that, and so I'm really trying to trim the fat on on some stuff, you know, like purging and getting rid of stuff.
Speaker 1:I'm moving and and I'm like really getting rid of shit, like really getting rid of shit, cause I'm like I feel like this weight that's been on me is and it's, you know, I mean I it's a mental aspect, but it's also a physical aspect. I have been storing my brothers, my exes, my friends, stuff in my garage like just their crap, and I'm like I haven't taken care of this and I got rid of a bunch of stuff that other people have given me that I really didn't want, like I was, like I didn't ask for this, and so that shit's all leaving and it feels so good, oh, it feels so good, and the mental weight.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, like we're keeping what we need and what we use and what we want. Yeah, everything else is leaving. Everything else is leaving, you know, and so getting rid of shit, it just feels so good. But, um, one of the things that I noticed is that I'm sleeping better. Oh, I have insomnia like a mofo. It's been really, really, really, really bad lately. I have insomnia like a mofo. Wow, it's been really, really, really really bad lately, yep. And the last week I wake up maybe once or twice a night, versus once an hour. Wow, wow, yeah. So my sleep has improved. And now I'm like because a couple of weeks ago, I wasn't getting out of bed until like 10, like because I had not slept all night, yep.
Speaker 1:And then I would get wake up at four and then wake up at six, and then wake up at seven, and then wake up at 10. And I was like, oh my God, like I've been able to sleep and I'm like what? Like that scrolling at the end of the night when you know you're just sitting in bed. It stays in your brain and keeps you up. I've been having dreams now that I actually remember. Wow, like it's weird. So I'm, I'm all about it, I'm all about the. The mind numbing scrolling is out, you know, and be intentional, right.
Speaker 2:What I hear you saying is like again, it doesn't have to be cold Turkey, and I like how you just put that, jane, like the mind numbing, scrolling right. If you're being intentional and you're saying, okay, I'm going to go catch up on whatever, I'm going to spend 30 minutes, I'm going to be whatever. That's one thing. But all the we know this already. There are researchers who studied this. You and I are not the experts, but we know the research says the experience too.
Speaker 2:We have the experience that scrolling at before you go to sleep is going to disturb your sleep. We know that. And yet, because it's so accessible and you're laying there and you can't get to sleep and you know, god forbid, we just lie there, right? You and I can't remember if we talked about it on here or different, but I think I remember sharing with you a tactic that I heard that actually works quite well for me to avoid the phone to help to get to sleep. But yeah, that's the stuff that, like you said, like, even though eventually your brain is going to shut off and you're going to fall asleep, it's not quieted, right, because it has all that stuff in your head and you're at that.
Speaker 2:I don't know about anybody else, but I know for me, like, if it's 11 o'clock at night, I'll I'll send the. If I find something funny, I'll send it to somebody on Instagram. O'clock at night, I'll send the. If I find something funny, I'll send it to somebody on Instagram. And what I'm thinking about is, if it's, whether it's 11 o'clock their time or they're my East coast family and it's 1am their time, that notification is going to pop up on their phone. Yeah, so I am, in fact disturbing them, even though it feels like, oh, I'm just sending this, they'll see it when they see it. No, it's going to pop up on their phone and, depending on how their phone settings are set up, at the very least their screen's going to light up so now, you've created a possibility that that screen lighting up is going to wake them up.
Speaker 2:So it's like it's just reminding ourselves, I think, of all that stuff. Right, because it's easy to just and again, I'm going to go back to your language it's easy to forget the impact of that mind numbing, scrolling, and we miss. And again, this isn't revolutionary, we know this. We miss so much of what's happening around us, um, right, because of it. So, anyway, it's, it's, it's and the other thing it has I'm so like, okay, so how do I fill that time, right?
Speaker 2:So, like I said, I've been turning more to books, right, like the books that I read. I have,000 books stacked around me right now that need, that need to be read, and by that I mean I got them because I'm interested in them, I want to read them. So, spending more time on that and spending more time on podcasts, um, I suggest everybody do, especially ours. And you know what? What happens with a podcast podcast, depending on what you're listening to, is like it's an in-depth experience, right, versus the just scroll and hear a minute, this minute, that minute, the other right, it kind of forces you to say I'm interested in this topic, I'm going to listen to this thing, kind of like you watching the documentary right and I'm going to go I'm freaking going to probably watch that today, but yeah, I'll watch it it's good, and so I have you lots of takeaways from podcasts that I and what I love about that is like in real time.
Speaker 2:Right, I can say to somebody else, oh my gosh, I just heard this thing, right, and and, and you know it's so interesting or what have you. So, anyway, but yeah, and I know we're going to talk about that too, because I have a couple of things that I heard this week that I'm like, oh my gosh, I think this is like such a great thing for people just to think about, so right, right.
Speaker 1:Well, um, one of the other things that I've been doing is we're we're going through a transition in our home right now. Yeah, it's your own time, and, um, I had the epiphany the other day and, and as moms or as parents, you know whatever side of the coin you're on, moms or as parents, you know whatever side of the coin you're on moms or dads, parents, whatever guardians I think we forget that our kids grow up, you know, and we just don't think about them growing up. We just, you know, like la, la, la, la, la, la, la, and through this, all the transitions that are going on in our home. My daughter, chase and I were talking. She's 19. And we were having a little conversation and it dawned on me she could move out whenever she wants. Yep it like I, I don't.
Speaker 1:She's such a mama's girl and just loves being around me and her sister and stuff like that. Like she has her friends, she does all her stuff. But it like dawned on me and I'm like holy shit, like if she wanted to and she has a little boyfriend, yeah, going really well and all the things, and they're super cute together and and they're making plans for opening a business together and like I mean she's wow but I'm like, hey, and so it dawned on me and I'm like, how do I bring this up to her without making her think that I'm trying to kick her out, okay?
Speaker 1:and so I had to, like, really think about it, because she's very sensitive with those things. I can't even mention me dying without her.
Speaker 2:Oh god, like it's like, of course not like don't ever.
Speaker 1:If one time we were driving down the road and I was like, well, what you know, what would you do if I died?
Speaker 2:she's like wow, way to traumatize your daughter, good lord I mentioned it behind the scenes, you were like good. I was just checking to make sure you love me. All right, don't ever fuck it up.
Speaker 1:No, oh, my God, so I can't even talk to this girl about this. And even now, you know, in 19 years, she's like don't say that, you know. And. But it made me realize like she could move out whenever she wants, yeah, and then things are going really well with her boyfriend and they're making all these plans and stuff like it's going to happen. So I was like, okay, I got to talk to her about this.
Speaker 1:So the next day she comes home and she is, you know, from school or whatever. And I was like, hey, I need to talk to you about something. She's like what I go, just know that I need. No, that I'm not saying this because I want you to leave, right, okay, so I'm just going to say that. And she's like okay, and I'm like I realized yesterday that you're 19 and you can move out whenever the fuck you want. And she's like, yeah, and I'm like so you know the situation that we're in and stuff like that. I could really look for a two bedroom instead of a three bedroom. And I was like I'm not saying this because I want you to leave, but I'm saying this because I need to know what you want to do and what your plan.
Speaker 2:Ah right, like don't let me kill myself trying to find a three bedroom only right from now, and I was like so.
Speaker 1:So I'm not saying this because I want you out, but I'm saying this to be realistic and understand what my options are. Right, I said because you're never home home anymore. I mean, you are, but you weren't. And I said and you're making all these plans with your boyfriend? And I was like and if you want to move out, I said and I said and the other thing is, I want you to know is that I don't want you to feel obligated to stay here because you feel like I need you here. Oh yeah, I said because I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself because she's very protective over me. And she was like you know, and I was like so I just need you to understand that if you want to don't feel obligated that you must stay here, I want you to do what you want to do. Right, and I said so. So I'm not trying to push you out, but I'm just letting you know like we're good.
Speaker 1:So, whatever you decide you want to do, just communicate with me, because I could be looking for a smaller place, you know, and she was really cute, because she was like well, I know that you talked about getting a second. You know a two-bedroom place possibly. So she was like, and I know you said you would sleep in the living room and we could sleep in the bedrooms, yeah, I'll sleep in the living room because I I'm never home, you know, whatever and she's like, and that's fine with me, and I was like, okay, all right. So it was just like this epiphany that, oh my God, like my baby is like a grownup now, you know, and she's, and she's doing so well, she's doing awesome, and so, um, yeah, it was just like a proud mom moment.
Speaker 2:But also like wait a minute it sneaks up on you and you know, you know I'm assuming this spring she's going to have an AA, she's going to be deciding what she wants to do for up and all that stuff and, um, you know, she could decide to go to college and it ends up being someplace and she's you know, and so same idea, right, even if she's living in a dorm or or what happened.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I mean, she's got every option out there and I think you know, at first I can see how, I can see how careful you were being, because at first, yeah, it seems like, listen, I don't want you to leave, but, gosh, I could get a two bedroom, but in the end it was you're. You were very clear. I want I don't want you to feel like you have to I want you to make your decisions for you, Right, and um, and, and you know, and and ensure that kind of we're all okay, right, make your decisions for you here as long as you want it. Um, but don't keep me in the dark, right, like, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And and that and the and. The glorious part of that is and she understood it immediately is because I maybe sometimes overshare with the girls. But you know, I I talked to them. I talked to my kids and we've talked about this before. I talked to them like as if they're my little business partners, right, you know, and I'm looking out for you and you're my team and all of those things.
Speaker 1:But I also need to know, need to let you know, what's going on, so you're not surprised and like why the fuck did you tell me this? So so I, so I do share with them and and I think that's what makes me unique to being their mom is that, you know, I'm not sharing juicy details to anything, but I'm letting them know what's going on and what could be coming, and what and and what's going on, so that way they're not left in the dark. Because I will tell you what as a child in my household, I was left in the dark and lied to oh yeah, lied to so much, and I just remember back to that and I'm like you know what, I'd rather overshare with my kids than lie to them and make them scared of things and not understand why we're doing things and they are going to be such well-rounded adults because they've been brought along on that. So I say all of that to to get to phases and and you know, transitions and stuff, because my other daughter, jenny, is the most, one of the most introverted people you know, just super quiet and won't smile for pictures and won't do this and won't do that, but she's a very sweet kid, she's not a bad kid, she's very shy and whatever, and there's hope.
Speaker 1:You guys, look at my sparkling eyes right now. She was on her second round of braces. She had them when she was like 10 and then, oh god bless, her 13. So not super stoked about having braces twice, but wanted them because she wanted her teeth straight and her teeth were pretty jacked, yeah, so, naturally, um, so she gets her braces off and this girl has not stopped smiling. Oh my God, oh, it is so beautiful.
Speaker 2:That makes my heart so happy.
Speaker 1:She has the most beautiful smile right now and it's just oh straight ass teeth, oh God. And she, like she went to school.
Speaker 2:The confidence right Like it's amazing.
Speaker 1:Oh my God, she's like. I like the way my face looks. Now, you didn't like the way your face looked. Oh my God, sweet girl, and the the great thing is that's been happening with the out, the social media and stuff like that. Yeah, benny and I have been spending a lot more time together, like she's coming into my room and hanging out and we're talking. You know, like we've been, we've been like that before, but she's like really like starting to come out of her shell a little bit and I'm loving it. So, oh my gosh, I'm so happy news, yeah, for that. Like she's such a sweet girl and just so smart and she's brilliant really, and um, to see her like come out and you know tell me about it and we're turning.
Speaker 1:It's turning into a relationship that I have like with chase, where we talk about her friends and laugh stuff like that, and I think she wanted that and so now she's kind of coming out and doing it. So it's it's been so. You know, all of this change and transition and everything else has definitely deepened my relationships with my girls and with myself.
Speaker 2:Right, I love that and you know I'm thinking about what you shared, about you know maybe I'm oversharing and I think that you know we had similar experiences in terms of my childhood and I do think I like I think that parents struggle because, on one hand, you have this instinct to protect your kids from everything and, on the other hand, you know that, like, there's power in modeling and being clear and letting them kind of see you problem solve, right. So I think the fine line in my mind is like your intention for sharing, right, when your intention for sharing is to model and let them see how you're problem solving for better or for worse, because, by the way, we make mistakes, fucking all the time, right?
Speaker 1:All the time. Well, not mistakes, not mistakes choices we make choices that lead to things we didn't intend. Whatever you want to, call it but Mistakes, choices.
Speaker 2:We make choices that lead to things we didn't intend. Whatever you want to call it, but I'm okay with calling it mistakes in terms of like I don't think we make mistakes, I think we just make the choices.
Speaker 1:And then you know, maybe we didn't think about the choices before we made it, and then the outcome is not what we wanted. But you know whatever.
Speaker 2:So I can get on board with that right, like we. I guess you're right. Every single thing we do is a choice. At the end of it, it was a choice and it's not mistakes. The way I think about failure Failure is good, right. We learn so much from having to redo Right, and I think even when our kids are little, we forget that and we want to help them build the Lego set so they do it exactly right. We want to.
Speaker 2:I was literally just with teachers yesterday and we're working with their district to help them think differently about teaching and learning, and one of the things we're focusing on is what the research says about the brain and the power of discovery, when a child, even an adult, has the opportunity to discover right. And this one kindergarten teacher was so cute and it's very reflective of parenting because she was like. It took me probably seven or eight years of teaching before I stopped giving kids. Here's you're going to make this little thing for your mom or dad and here's exactly how you're going to make it. And this has to go exactly because we want it to be perfect for them. And and yet we're, we're, we're, we're limiting the amount of neurons our kids are firing in their brains because we're telling them exactly what to do versus letting them discover Right and be creative you're taking out the office too, like right right, I'm sitting in my office, where I have like for montana and said like a thing they did in preschool or kindergarten.
Speaker 2:It's like their little handprints and the little poem and and I'm imagining the teachers did exactly that like they're like their hands, put it on the paper exactly, exactly, anyway.
Speaker 2:From a parenting perspective, right, we so, and we're so scared of what failure could do to them because we forget that failure actually helps them grow and learn. And so, with the sharing piece in my mind, it's like, as long as the sharing isn't about the parent being like poor me look at all I'm going through, look at which we both experienced too as kids If the sharing is okay, look, here's the deal. This hard thing is happening, right, and I've got some hard choices to make. And if you have opinions, let me hear them. I'm happy to hear them. Right, but I've got some hard decisions to make.
Speaker 2:The thing I regret I've said this before on this podcast is I wish I had been more open with my kids about money, right, because I feel like we never talked about money. And now, of course, I look at it and I'm like, oh, my God, there's so much to learn for your kids, even when money is tight. Right To learn that it can be okay for money to be tight. And we're gonna make a series of choices and we might have to give up some things. That's okay, right, that's not a bad thing, and right, that's not a bad thing, um, and I think that I think a lot of us do that as parents and I think that that's contributes to kids feeling like not understanding the value of money, not understanding the connection of money and how you use your time and all the things. So anyway, I I applaud the sharing and I would suggest it. For me it's only oversharing if it's your intent. If it's ill intended, yeah, and it's not intended, it would never be inappropriate in my mind.
Speaker 1:If it's ill intended, yeah, and if it's?
Speaker 2:not ill intended. It would never be inappropriate In my mind. If it's inappropriate, it's because it's ill intended, do you?
Speaker 1:know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Right. So, as long as it's not ill intended, I think you know what like, let them and of course you've got to be think about development, right Like, you can't tell a six year old about all the blahs and they don't even know what the hell you're talking about. Right, Like. But you know, our kids are, you know, in their teens and adults now, and so, yeah, it's a very different world. But I'm so excited to hear that you know on both fronts and I love that you are stepping back right now in the midst of the crazy and acknowledging the I'm going to call them wins. Right, acknowledging the really great things, because that's the stuff you're going to carry forward, right, no matter what happens next. Yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 2:So the one thing that the other thing that I wanted to bring up in terms of like over the last couple of weeks, like something I've grabbed on to One of the podcasts that I love to listen to, is Armchair Expert. Shout out to Dax and Monica we don't hate you because you haven't selected us for your armchair anonymous episode on it. Um, we do feel like that. We would be a great story. Um, you did your. I'm gonna speak to them as if they're listening right now. By the way, we did your um submissions for the dna stories. Um, I listened to your episode recently. It was good, don't get me wrong, but I feel like our story would have beat two of those stories, two of them. We couldn't have beat the.
Speaker 2:The, the one I told you about, where the girl discovered, like, always suspected that, um, she wasn't that there was a parental lineage issue. Long story short, she's a twin and she did. Not only did she discover there was a like dad was a different guy, but she discovered that she and her fraternal twin had different fathers. Love it, like, ok, that, yes, that would have beat our story. Ok, ok, yeah, I got you, but anyway, so so that they were talking in an episode at the you know the kind of informal part of one of their episodes and they were talking about addiction and you know a bunch of different stuff which was kind of the basis of their starting this podcast, right, um yeah, podcast, where people could experience what the, the, the candor and vulnerability of an AA meeting without going to AA, basically, um anyway. So she, monica, was talking about um, you know a piece of um of kind of advice or whatever that she had heard and it has to do with addiction, but it really is about I translated it in my brain to habits when you're trying to break a habit, and certainly it can full circle.
Speaker 2:Come back to the social media piece when you're trying to break a habit and it's a mantra that you have to carry around in your head. In my case I'm going to apply it to my social media example and say you know that it takes a while to break the muscle memory of just picking up your phone, to look, to pick up your phone, to scroll, and so the mantra basically is like, as you go to do that thing, you're trying to stop or lessen right that you say to yourself I used to do that and you honor that and acknowledge like yep, I used to do that, I'm not doing that anymore. Right. Acknowledge like yep, I used to do that, I'm not doing that anymore. Right, in this moment, I can put my phone back down because I'm not doing that anymore. And the last part of it is never again.
Speaker 2:Well, in my case, with this particular habit, I'm not saying never again, but definitely not right now, so I can stop at I used to do that, I'm not doing that right now, I'm not doing that anymore, right, and then go from there. But that whole like I used to, I don't do that anymore, never again. I was like holy shit, like what a mantra to help you, especially when you're trying to really truly eliminate things that are harmful for you.
Speaker 1:Right, um, I, yeah, I just thought that was so powerful, and or you know distract you from what you're doing, or it doesn't necessarily have to be like a bad thing.
Speaker 1:You're right. We were chatting about this before we hit record and I said one of my favorite mantras because of my ADHD and you know we're notorious for either not putting stuff away and just putting it out wherever, or starting three different things. The other day I had to laugh at myself, Like I literally laughed at myself. I walked through the house. I had covered doors open over here. I had a pile of stuff over here, like through the house. I had all of and I'm like what is wrong with me, Like in the middle, and I had a cup of coffee that got cold sitting on the counter because I made myself a cup of coffee. You know, like I was so all over the place. I'm like this ADHD shit is getting out of control, Right.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, that's how I saw something.
Speaker 1:I saw something and cause. Honestly, I have never been this bad Like I think it's as I'm getting older.
Speaker 2:it's just like bitch I'm here Right Cause all the other shit that happens in your brain is you get all like yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh, it's like it's. It's all of the stereotypical ADHD stuff.
Speaker 1:I'm doing that, Right, I never used to do it before I never used to forget where I put something Right, right, holy shit, you guys, like it's out of control. So I saw this mantra online and I was like I'm doing that and it's don't put it down, put it away. And that has like been so good for me, especially when I'm doing that and it's don't put it down, put it away. And that has like been so good for me, especially when I'm cooking and stuff like that. Like it's all over the place. You know, like it looks like a mad scientist, but it's not amazing. But then I'm like, oh, I gotta put all this stuff away, you know. And I'm like why didn't I put it away as I'm doing it in? And it makes such a huge difference. It makes such a huge difference, it makes such a huge difference, but I love that.
Speaker 2:Don't put it down. Put it away, right. I'm fucking gonna be saying that to the people in my life. I'm just saying, right, don't oh, now that you say that without it being my mantra, I can absolutely tell you that's at the core of how I'm so organized. I know, because my whole thing is my translation of that has always been touch it as few times as possible. Ah, there you go Okay.
Speaker 2:Right. So if I'm trying to get organized, like, my thing is always touch it. So that's why I like I don't just leave the laundry blank. I take the laundry up, because I'm like if I leave it here, I'm going to touch it again. Yep, yeah, that's just one example. But touch it as few times as possible is mine and it ties right into that. I love that. Don't put it down, put it away.
Speaker 1:Well, and and it's funny because I used to be so good at that Like this has never really been a problem for me when I saw that video, but, um, oh, shoot, there was something else I was going to say and now I lost track of it. But anyways, no, it's, it's, it's never been a problem for me. And so now that you know, now that I'm figuring these things out, but then also I've put together things for myself and and oh, this is the story I was going to tell, I'll sign us off with this story. So I've always been very particular about how things are organized, mainly so I can find them, because if it's not back in the place, because one of my big things is is like, don't, don't borrow something from me and not put it back exactly where it was, because I know exactly where it is.
Speaker 1:And if I can't find, it is when I lose my shit, like that's my self-proclaimed I lose my shit moment is when something isn't where it's supposed to be. Oh yeah, you don't want to do that Like that's a trigger for me and I'm like you know, I don't know why. So I was dating this.
Speaker 2:It's a control thing and because it ties into the other, like okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I don't want to look for it because I'm going to go crazy, right? So I know where everything's at. So, um, I was dating somebody and, um, they were at my house and I, they did me a favor. They like I was going that was doing a bunch of stuff and they cleaned my bathroom for me, or something like that. I was like, oh nice, whatever I come home, we're standing there, I take out my earrings and I put them on the counter and this person looked up at me and goes, that's not where those go. And this person looked up at me and goes, that's not where those go.
Speaker 2:So let me get this straight your house.
Speaker 1:My house.
Speaker 2:Your yeah, yeah, okay, go ahead. But he had cleaned the bathroom, so now evidently he owned it all, or this person, I shouldn't even say he. Yes, they owned it all, whatever.
Speaker 1:It doesn't even matter. But yeah, and they're like that's not where that belongs. And I looked at them and I said you can leave now don't tell me where to put shit in my own house. That's how bad I used to be. That's how bad I used to be. Now I'm like losing shit everywhere so it doesn't matter. But that's how bad I used to be, because and now I realize it was a control thing to help keep me in line because I didn't realize I'm all ADHD out, you know. So it's funny how, like now, I'm realizing all these little tricks and tips that I put into my life.
Speaker 2:To control it without even realizing you were controlling it.
Speaker 1:Right, right, right. It's so funny, so yeah, so now I'm laughing at myself because I'm like you're an idiot and now you're just really an idiot everywhere. So I love it and it's fun and I love laughing at myself, you guys.
Speaker 2:We have to be able to do it Right. But and I do think that that's partly like you know, of course, when you come from what we came from, you have control issues.
Speaker 1:Everybody, oh, my God and everything else you know right, but um, but yeah, I think it's.
Speaker 2:It's awesome when we can step back and like catch ourselves doing something and realize okay, this is actually ridiculous, like I'm doing it myself, nobody's doing it to me, I'm doing it to myself.
Speaker 1:Oh, I was like. I was like I made this house look like somebody robbed it. Like what is going? Drawers there were drawers, open cabinets, open boxes. I'm like what is going on? Drawers there were drawers, open cabinets, open boxes. I'm like what is going on here? Oh, it's me Sorry.
Speaker 2:Your kids come home and they're like mom. What happened? We got robbed, like I got robbed.
Speaker 1:Robbed. It was crazy. At least I can laugh at myself because this shit's crazy I love it.
Speaker 2:You guys, thank you for listening, thank you for being a part of our kind of update check-ins. Again, it's always our hope that, like just by sharing a look behind the curtain of our lives, that some of those things resonate with you and they're things that you can grab onto and be a support to you as you navigate the week ahead of you. And the last thing I'll say is you know, jane and I are. We've been speaking of oversharing, we've been very transparent about this podcast journey for us and how much it means to us, and you know and yet it's a hard look for us to like find the time and make it happen and do all the things. And one of the things that we're regrouping around is that we might stop trying to do all the things, that we might really focus on just showing up on YouTube, because YouTube is a place that we both find safe from the perspective of we don't get caught up in other stuff, right, we don't get caught up in scrolling on YouTube the way we do on some of these other platforms, and right now, we're in a position where we want to be able to post and let it speak for itself, versus being faced with an algorithm that forces you like, okay, nobody's going to see your shit unless you also engage with everybody else's and all the things.
Speaker 2:So, um, so YouTube is a place where we're going to, as we, as we get new episodes, that's where we're going to drop our short videos, that's where we're going to do those things. Um, maybe in our we'll say, hey, go look at YouTube, because we just did it, we dropped an episode. But all that to say, like, if you are following long, make sure you follow, subscribe, do the things so that your platforms that you use will prompt you when our new episodes come out, because we're probably not going to be posting them on some of those other social platforms. We're going to pour all of our energy into one place because we just we can't do all the things, and so we're going to try that for I don't know a period of time, see how it goes, reevaluate, take it from there.
Speaker 1:But yeah, what would you add sis, yeah, and the same thing. And I would just say, please go over to YouTube, subscribe and like our, our, um, Janice and Jane, I'm actually going to start a YouTube page. I'm going to start doing some little shorts and stuff like that, Just little things. I've been wanting to do that on social media, but just because of the hubbub and everything, I want it to be like super focused and so, um, yeah, so we're going to try that and and try to get some more listeners and subscribers and and do some extra stuff for you guys, because that's that's our goal.
Speaker 2:So, exactly. So thank you, as always, for being a part of our community, like, share, subscribe, all the things, um, and we'll look forward to seeing you next time. Peace out everybody, bye.
