The Number One Secret to a Lasting Marriage with Doing Life Ken and Tabatha

What if the temperature of your home could rise with one daily habit? After two rocky years at the start of our 26-year marriage, we learned that appreciation—not grand gestures—warms a cold house, heals silent nights, and makes a marriage last. We unpack how keeping a short memory, honoring each other’s roles, and practicing specific, daily gratitude turned us from scorekeepers into best friends.

Come for the story of our comeback; stay for the tools you can use tonight to strengthen intimacy, trust, and joy.

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Transcript

Short Memory And Forgiveness

SPEAKER_03 0:00

And a lot of people don't understand that my wife has a short memory. And that's what you really want to have for a healthy healthy marriage. You have to have a short memory. If you're the person that can just keep this laundry list of every mistake and every pain, it's what we call the root of bitterness. And the love of God, the agape love of God in 1 Corinthians 13 and the Amplified says that the love keeps no account or record of wrong. And so many times I ask her these questions about my shenanigans or the dumb stuff that I've done. And she's like doing one of those because she really doesn't even keep those things. It's actually one of your gifts. And I really wish that you could share that with women around the world and with men as well, that you just can't.

SPEAKER_04 0:42

Those are the offenses that are toxins to your soul. If you ask God to remember what you repented of last week, he does not remember. It's gone because God is good, He's full of life, joy.

SPEAKER_03 0:56

We cast our sin as far as the east is from the west and remembers it no more.

SPEAKER_04 1:00

Right.

SPEAKER_03 1:00

But we remember everything.

SPEAKER_04 1:01

Right. Now, and I can go back and remember if you make me, and I'm sure you know I could, but I don't want to remember.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Okay. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 1:10

Honestly, I don't want to remember. Those things are not good for me. I don't want to hold on to that stuff.

Welcome And 26-Year Marriage Context

SPEAKER_03 1:19

Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. So pumped to have you guys with us today. And we got a great one for you today. You're going to want to stick around to the end because we're going to drop some extra content at the end that we know you're going to enjoy. And so, welcome everybody. This is our show for you. We've been married for 26 years, y'all. And um, I always say it's been the best 24 years of my life. Um, the first two years was horrible. Things are much better now. We have some principles, we've seen the highs and lows, ups and downs, what to do, what not to do. And we're gonna pay it for it today. And so today's topic is the number one secret to a lasting marriage that most couples ignore. Okay. And so we know what it's like to have a bad marriage. We know what it's like to have a good marriage. And a good marriage is much better than a bad marriage. Somebody say, Amen. All right. For those of you all who are new to our story, um, 26 years of marriage, the first two years, I actually had a plan and I wanted to divorce her. Um I'm sad to say it would have been the worst decision of my life, the biggest mistake. But some of you all who are in a painful relationship, um, sometimes you're blinded by the pain.

SPEAKER_02 2:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

And you feel like there's no way out. And um I felt like, man, I got married too young. I made a mistake, maybe I married the wrong person. All of those were lies. Um, but those lies sound like a truth when you aren't intimate as you want to be and you have financial pressures in your marriage. And so um we know a thing or two, we've seen a thing or two. Um, we don't know everything, we know a few things. We're gonna give you what we know through our pain today.

SPEAKER_04 2:55

You know what, babe? The best story is a comeback story. Come on. We have a comeback story, and I think some of you watching today, if you're in that place where we were, where it's so bad, maybe you can't see a way out. No, God's a God of second chances, third chances. You're working on your comeback story.

From Cold And Inconsistent To Warm

SPEAKER_03 3:11

That's so good. Um, I would say share this right now. Don't even wait till later on. Share this with other people, other married couples, married couples who are good, but they want a great marriage, and especially those who have a marriage that is hanging on by a thread. This is a safe place, a community where we're just gonna jump in the chat, jump in the comments, let us know what your opinion is, what has worked for you, where you're hurting at. We're gonna pray for you. Um, but when our marriage was bad, sweetheart, what was the culture or vibe of our home? I just want people to be able to feel where we were.

SPEAKER_04 3:41

I think it was um kind of, I would say cold. Uh maybe, you know, we weren't terrible toward each other, but it wasn't warm and inviting. It was almost like we were very careful not to offend each other, you know. Not a place where we can just like feel open and free to be ourselves. It was just kind of a careful place.

SPEAKER_03 4:04

I think you captured it in one word. I didn't know what word you would use. Cold is probably it. Yeah, it was cold. It was just cold. Not all the time. I mean, we had good times together, like most couples do. You know, there are certain things you get up for, but sometimes those lows outweigh the good times.

SPEAKER_04 4:21

Absolutely.

unknown 4:21

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 4:22

You know, I have another word too, I would say um inconsistent.

SPEAKER_03 4:26

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 4:26

Meaning it's like we weren't really stable. Like it could be a bad day, it could be a good day. You never know what you're gonna get.

SPEAKER_03 4:34

Yeah. For those of you all who are new to our show, let me just explain. Um, in the season where our marriage was really bad and we wanted um, I wanted out, I wanted a divorce. Um, uh, I mean, I would do the silent treatment. Um, there would be hours, if if not days, where we wouldn't talk to one another. Um, I would weaponize sex, meaning that if you don't do this, I'm not gonna give you that. And I have no clue why anybody would do that. You're just hurting yourself. Um there would be times that I would go out to, you know, party with my single friends and take my wedding band off and talk to other women. These are not things that I'm proud of, it's just the reality of where we were.

SPEAKER_02 5:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 5:10

And to see us now as best friends and doing marriage ministry together just lets us know that there is nothing too hard for the Lord.

SPEAKER_04 5:18

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 5:19

Um the best story is a comeback story. And honestly, it's not like we have a special anointing or a special God. I really just felt like we got tools. And because our pastors, they had a marriage ministry um back in the day, um, and we would go to communication labs and they would give us tools. Yeah. They would just give us tools. And that's all we want to do today. Um, we want to give you the tools that's been given to us because that's really all you need. You just need to know how to divide the labor. You just need to know how to have family meetings, you just need to know how not to weaponize sex and that your body's not your body when you say I do, you don't say I don't. There's just a lot of tools. Now, if you don't want to use the tools, that's up to you. But if you want to use the tools, you're in the right place. And there's there's there's no no marriage that can't get better.

SPEAKER_04 6:02

Yeah, and there's so many people who need need place, um, who need help. I just ran across an email um today and I didn't have time to respond to it because I was rushing and so I flagged it to get back to it. But it was someone saying, hey, you know, do you do coaching? Um, you know, I'm looking for mentorship for my marriage, and they were starting to go into things where I didn't read the details. But there's so many people who need coaching, mentorship, they need help. Um, but the answer to that question was that we we kind of don't do coaching at this point. This is our coaching.

Tools That Turned Everything Around

SPEAKER_03 6:29

This is our coaching. This is it. We're giving everything we need to go down in our home at our table with you as a family member and saying we're gonna open up every can of our lives, we're gonna open up every, we're gonna, we're not gonna sweep anything under the rug, like it or lump it. We're gonna give you the real, the raw, the good, and the bad. And if you go back and you just binge watch some of our episodes, you'll find some tools to help your relationship. If you get involved and you get our marriage book, um, we have a new book that's coming out um real soon in November. It's called Butterfly Love, and it's a 25-year love story, and it's gonna give you the deep, dark details and then the principles that we use to get ourselves to where we are now. Um, we have a marriage boot camps. And so if you're willing to be coached um online like this, you're a part of our family. We're we're here to help you. Yeah. So uh so back in the day our marriage was cold, that would be a word, and inconsistent. How would you describe it now?

SPEAKER_04 7:24

Warm, fun. Uh-huh. Um, I it sounds like I'm joking, but it's serious. I I want to laugh for some reason, but I think because we we've been intentional about our atmosphere in our home now. You know, we want it to be um a safe place. Uh, we have children now. We have uh an adult child, we have two teenage children, and so it's like we've been intentional about saying this is a safe place. Um, this is a place that we honor one another, respect one another, we serve one another. Um I like our home now.

SPEAKER_03 7:59

Does that mean that our marriage now is always up and to the right?

SPEAKER_04 8:03

Um up and to the right meaning like good. Um like always good. I mean definitely it's not down and to the left. So, but is it always?

SPEAKER_03 8:16

I just ask you that question because it's hard for people to really um feel when a because there's just so much fake. It's just so much fake that anybody can have a podcast and talk about marriage. Yeah, but I want to be as real as we possibly can.

SPEAKER_05 8:30

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 8:31

We we have a very, very good relationship. Yeah. Um, just like anybody else, we have days where we might get on each other's nerves or we might disagree about something, or maybe we say something that we shouldn't say. That's just part of being a human.

unknown 8:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 8:45

And I think some of that you need to normalize that, especially us, two type A personalities, two, um, we're the oldest children in our families. We we we're two boss people. Oh, we're gonna bump heads every once in a while. But the tools that we have about serving each other and loving one another and faithfulness and covenant, it's so far outweighs that. I would say on a scale of one to ten, our marriages, for me, I don't know where would you say on a scale of one to ten we currently are?

unknown 9:12

Nine.

SPEAKER_03 9:12

Yeah, I would say like a nine. I would say like I get you more now than ever. I felt like over the last few months, especially the Lord's been showing me things as a husband of some shortcomings that I had as well, and just how I think about marriage and even aging and longevity. And maybe I'll share some of that with you guys today. But I feel like I'm at a nine. Yeah. Um, I've I've been learning to love your soul, to love who you are as a person, your personality, your shortcomings, the things that would make the idiosyncrasies that we all have that could make a marriage be like, man, why you do this and why you do that and why you always late? It ain't that big a deal. We make a mountain out of a molehill. The Lord's been teaching me to love those things about you before. That is the fingerprint of him you've been very uniquely made. And it's amazing to the to me the people that would see the same thing that you liked when you got married is the same thing that you can't stand right now while you're threatening divorce.

SPEAKER_04 10:04

You gave so much grace when you first got married.

SPEAKER_03 10:06

Like before he was just playing video games all the time and was the life of the party. Now all you do is play video games and joke all the time. Well, you used to love me because of that before, now you don't love me no more. Oh, you just back in the day, oh, she just always late. It's just so cute. She just she's gonna come in at her own time. Now you're just always late. Oh my goodness, you can't do nothing on time. You can't pay a bill. And it's just grace, it's perspective. We're here to help today.

Defining The Secret: Appreciation

SPEAKER_04 10:29

I would describe marriage like, you know, you said up and to the right, are we there all the time? I kind of think of it like driving a car. Like if you're married to a car and you were driving like a stick or a standard, you have to shift. You know, maybe not even seasonal, but you have to shift for the situation. And I think as life comes, life is going to happen. Life's gonna happen. Unexpected things happen, things don't go the way you want. Right. Sometimes things are great, and you just shift. You just shift according to the season.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

There's a lot of marriages that are failing because folks ain't shifting. So we're calling today the number one secret to a lasting marriage that most couples ignore. And we know that God being at the center of your relationship is the number one thing. Yeah. And I could give you some other things that are like up there, like forgiveness is going to be a big one. Um, uh, faithfulness, fidelity is gonna be a good one. Um, but the part that I want people to focus on is the one thing that people ignore for a lasting marriage. Um, and this is what I believe it is, at least for this segment, it's appreciation and gratitude. I believe it's that secret sauce that has kept us for 26 years, and we got many more years to come. The ability to just be thankful and not take your spouse for granted, I think is huge. And it's the one that's caused us the last, it's the one that people ignore because you get you get used to each other over the years. I'm just saying we've been married a quarter of a century. You get used to each other, and you stop uh noticing their beauty, their intelligence, their wit, their their their uh everything that God has made, and you begin to take them for granted.

SPEAKER_04 12:08

Right.

SPEAKER_03 12:08

What would you say? Do you feel that way?

SPEAKER_04 12:10

I do. I no one wants to be unappreciated. Yeah, you know, no one wants to be taken for granted. You know, even God, when I think about God and the relationship that we have with him, it's like we've been created to worship him. Like we enter into his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise. We bring him an offering, we're always showing gratitude. Thank you, Lord. We bless our food before we eat it. We bless it, but we thank God for it. And so, like, God appreciates gratitude and thanksgiving, and we are like him. And I like it. When someone appreciates me, it makes me want to appreciate them and pour good things into them.

SPEAKER_03 12:52

I'm not even trying to oversimplify this principle, but if you get hold of this, it's gonna shift some stuff. If you just start becoming a peak person of great gratitude and thanksgiving toward your spouse, you're gonna see the atmosphere in your home go from here to here. Just with one principle. I'm telling you now, if you can just start to identify and speak life about the things that you love and like about them, right? It'll shift, it'll shift you on the inside and it'll shift the atmosphere of your home.

How Gratitude Feels For Husbands And Wives

SPEAKER_01 13:19

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_03 13:20

Practically, how would you uh define appreciation? What does that mean to you?

SPEAKER_04 13:24

Um I would call it like an expression of thankfulness, like saying thank you.

SPEAKER_03 13:32

How does it apply to you as a wife? Does that is it something that you feel like you need, something that you want? Um, just as a woman, if you were to talk to other husbands, when I appreciate you and you feel that you're like the apple of my eye, what does that do for you?

SPEAKER_04 13:47

Everything. I think appreciation is almost like a love language, or like when you appreciate me, I feel like you're loving me. Um I feel like you do love me and care for me when you do that. So it makes me feel secure. It makes me feel like I have worth as a wife and as a mother. It makes me feel like I'm valued as a wife and it's like I my per I have a purpose here.

SPEAKER_03 14:10

Right. For me as a as a man, to me, it's attached to honor for some reason. And you know that God has created the man to um to receive honor. I don't want to say need honor, like I'm needy, but it's part of how God's created us to be built up by a woman, not torn down. So the respect and honor, but when you appreciate me. And so let's say there's a lot of stuff that I don't do good. Um, and it's it's it's many. Maybe I don't clean up like you clean up, I don't cook like you cook, maybe I don't care, I'm not as tender with the children as you are. There's a lot of stuff that you just do better than me. But if you focused on those things and you didn't focus on the way that you can how trustworthy I am, or how much I'm a man of my word, or how I care for my body, and you know, that's important as we ask.

SPEAKER_04 14:59

How you cover, protect, and defend this family.

SPEAKER_03 15:01

Yeah, when you when you um kind of ignore my weak points and you focus on my strength, it's a form of honor to me. I feel honored by that, that you appreciate that, that I'm not taking for granted that bills are paid and lights are on and kids have shoes. You know what I mean? And so this is huge. This is huge. So I would define appreciation as this it is the intentional recognition and valuing of who your spouse is, what they do, and the role they play in your life, expressed through words, actions, and attitude as an ongoing choice, not just an occasional feeling. And the key parts of this definition is intention and recognition, meaning that you notice their efforts, strengths, and qualities instead of letting them fade into the background, um, valuing who they are. You don't just stake them for tasks, you affirm their character, gifts, and presence in your life, um, role they play in your life. You acknowledge the specific ways you make, you make their um their life better and richer and more fulfilling, expressed in words, actions, and attitudes. Appreciation is not just a thought, it's something that you can hear, something you can see and feel from the other person. And it's an ongoing choice. And I like that part of the definition because you decide to keep gratitude alive even in the ordinary or the challenging seasons. And actually, those are the most important seasons of marriages that last. It's not in the promised land, it's in the pain. It's not on the mountaintop, it's in the valley. What is your response to me in those times? And um, I don't know any thoughts on from that.

Short Memory Versus Bitterness

SPEAKER_04 16:26

Um, I think that uh I start to think of, well, why don't we appreciate each other? You know, why aren't we thankful to each other? Why don't we pour this type of, you know, appreciation and thankfulness on each other as spouses? What are the things that get in the way? And I think some of the times um you mentioned a little you were just speaking and you said um that sometimes we can focus on the weakness of the person instead of their strengths. And sometimes, you know, you said things like, well, maybe I don't nurture for the nurture the kids like you do, or maybe I don't cook and clean like you do. There's a long list of stuff. Yeah, there's there's a long list of things, but some of those things are because we are created differently. We have different roles and different purposes. And so, you know, as a as a wife and a mother, you know, our kids were younger and I'm nursing and you were, you know, going off to the office, coming home at the end of the day, I'm cooking and cleaning and stuff. The temptation was to not respect you and not honor you because I was home with the kids and you don't do, you don't clean up the way that I do, and you didn't spend enough time taking care of the kids. I took care of the kids all day. That could be a reason for me to look at you and say, you know, I'm not going to show gratitude toward you, to belittle you.

SPEAKER_03 17:47

To take what I do for granted.

SPEAKER_04 17:49

Absolutely. When in reality, because I was there, but what I learned is that no, I'm doing, I'm fulfilling my role and my purpose for the moment. I cannot despise you because you're doing what you're supposed to do. You were protecting, you were covering, and you were providing and defending our family. And so I had to learn to flip it and say, no, I can do what God's called me to do in the moment. And when you come in the door, I'm not overburdened throwing kids at you. I can celebrate you coming home.

SPEAKER_02 18:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 18:24

And it's just a mind shift. It's knowing your purpose, it's knowing your role as husband, your role as wife.

SPEAKER_03 18:31

That's so good. I think this might be one of the most powerful podcasts we've ever done if it's applied right. The appreciation, because I just feel like there are someone who's watching, they've been taking their spouse for granted. Yeah. And there's someone else who's watching, they're being taken for granted. Um, do you feel like that I've ever taken you for granted before?

SPEAKER_04 18:53

Uh I want to say yes. You know?

SPEAKER_03 18:56

Can you think of a season or a time or anything specific? I would say apologize up front, you know, for for you feeling like that.

SPEAKER_04 19:04

You're so sweet, baby. You don't need to apologize. Um, it's long and done. Um, gone and over.

SPEAKER_03 19:10

I thought it was like last week.

SPEAKER_04 19:11

Oh no. I no. I mean, I'm sure that's why I say I want to say yes. I want to be like, yeah, but I don't, I mean, yes, there are times.

SPEAKER_03 19:21

Well, let me just say that before you answer that question. A lot of people don't understand that my wife has a short memory. And that's what you really want to have for a healthy marriage, that's on a healthy marriage. You have to have a short memory. If you're the person that can just keep this laundry list of every mistake and every pain, it's it's what we call the root of bitterness. Right. And the love of God, the agape love of God in 1 Corinthians 13 and the Amplified says that the love keeps no account or record of wrong. And so many times I ask her these questions about my shenanigans or the dumb stuff that I've done, and she's like doing one of those because she really doesn't even keep those things. It's actually one of your gifts. You can't.

SPEAKER_04 19:59

And I really wish that you could share that with women around the world and and and with men as well, that you just can't those are the offenses that are toxins to your soul. If you ask God to remember what you repented of last week, he does not remember. It's gone because God is good, He's full of life and joy.

SPEAKER_03 20:19

He cast our sin as far as the East is from the West and remembers it no more. Right. But we remember everything.

Triggers, Healing, And The Crown Metaphor

SPEAKER_04 20:24

Right. Now, and I can go back and remember if you make me, and I'm sure, you know, I agree, but I don't want to remember.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

Okay.

unknown 20:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 20:33

Honestly, I don't want to remember. Those things are not good for me. I don't want to hold on to that stuff. But for the sake of this podcast, I probably weekly, you know, there are times where I feel unappreciated as a wife and as a mother. And so it would might be like the most common thing that I feel unappreciated is is uh about is like housework. So we have rules. If you dirty a dish, come on, y'all. If you dirty a dish, clean it. If you don't want to clean it, put it in the dishwasher. But please don't leave the dirty dish in the sink. Can I get a witness, somebody? Okay. So I feel I come down in the morning, I think I left the kitchen wonderfully clean. I come down in the morning, the lights are on, the curtains are open, the doors unlocked, the and there's dirty dishes in the sink. Now that's a moment for me to feel unappreciated.

SPEAKER_03 21:25

It ain't that personal. We got teenagers. I know.

SPEAKER_04 21:30

You're telling the truth. But we I can feel, you know what I mean? Like I feel like you're feeling that. So when I were when the kids were younger and I'm having babies and I'm 60 pounds overweight and all of this stuff, and you know, you look good. You still got muscles walking around looking good. I'm trying to put on a girdle to get my stomach to shrink down. Like I felt unappreciated just because of the situation.

SPEAKER_03 21:55

There's a part of me that's like, how did we get over here in this conversation?

SPEAKER_04 21:58

We started talking about you were trying to make me remember how I felt unappreciated.

SPEAKER_03 22:04

No, that wasn't what the question was. The question was, has there been times you take me for granted? And now we're way over here in some United States.

SPEAKER_04 22:11

I thought you were asking me if you how you took, I felt you took me for granted.

SPEAKER_03 22:16

Let it all out. You don't feel appreciated.

SPEAKER_04 22:18

I feel I feel good now. I did, I let it out. Okay. So when I've taken you for granted?

SPEAKER_03 22:23

No, well, I'm past that now. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 22:25

I'm past that.

SPEAKER_03 22:26

Yeah, I am. I'm past it.

SPEAKER_04 22:27

Forgive me, baby.

Aging, Bodies, And Honor In Marriage

SPEAKER_03 22:28

You know, what I you know, I just this summer I had some time with God, and it was so good for me. There's nothing like journaling with with God and just unpacking feelings. And um, you gotta be transparent even with God in your prayer time to say, I feel like this, I'm being tempted with this, or I I know I shouldn't feel like this. Why do I, you know, help me understand what what I'm going through. And um, you know, I in my prayer time, I felt like the Lord, um, there were some things that maybe I've been handling responsibilities around the house, doing certain things in the family, and I just felt weighty by that. And maybe some of your idiosyncrasies, um, not because it's you, but just in marriage, there's gonna be stuff that you kind of get on your nerves and man, you laid again, man, you laid again, oh man, you didn't do that again, man, you didn't do that again. I was starting to let those things be highlighted too much. And that's actually where this podcast is coming from. And the Lord taught me a powerful principle that you, as my wife, is my crown, not my cross. And I feel like there's a man who needs to hear this today that your wife is your a crown, she's not your cross. A cross is something that you carry and it's something that you burden, and a crown is something that you shine. And the truth is, is that when a man finds a wife, he obtains favor from the Lord. And so you've always been something that has made me shine. And if I'm ever tempted to feel like you're a cross, and I just gotta carry you, and I just gotta help you, and you know, this whole um the even there's a temptation sometimes, especially going through cancer battles that we've been through in different seasons of life, where I feel like, you know, as a wife, your assignment is to be a helper to me. Sometimes I feel like I'm helping you a whole lot more than you helping me. But isn't that marriage?

SPEAKER_04 24:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:18

And you know, it just got real. Isn't that marriage where just because you have the definition of a helpmate from the Bible and I'm supposed to love you like Christ loved the church, that actually means I'm supposed to probably help you more than you help me. If I'm gonna carry a cross and die for you like Jesus died for his bride, the weight of responsibility actually falls on me more as a spiritual leader to serve you and to honor you and to submit to you and to love you and to cover you and all those things. But as a man, sometimes you have so much responsibility and so much warfare and so many different things coming at you that you can kind of start getting down and being like, man, ain't nobody helping me. Oh, you know when it was. Remember this past summer, um, it was right on our anniversary, which is July 3rd, and you got a bad cold. You got a bad cold right at our anniversary, and my dad was visiting, the kids were here, like all kids.

SPEAKER_04 25:06

You were responsible for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

SPEAKER_03 25:09

Literally, I had PZ. I couldn't get off the couch. I literally had a little post-traumatic stress from cancer. And literally, four years ago when you were overcoming cancer, it reminded me of I'm taking care of everything, I'm taking care of the kids, I'm taking care of you, I'm building the church. And there was a whole week that went down. We missed our anniversary, we missed everything, and for whatever reason, it triggered me. And I literally had to take it to the Lord. And I'm so glad that I did because he taught me this principle that you're my crown. And I had to deal with that trigger. And I just feel like you want to add something? You feel like there's something you want to say?

SPEAKER_04 25:42

I mean, yeah, I remember that conversation now, and um, because I remember you, you were just you were expressing things to me. I remember I kind of I feel like I touched you even then. I was like, baby, I'm sorry, but you know, I don't have cancer anymore. I'm good, you know, like I'm healed. And um, just to remind you that, you know, sometimes, you know, this that was traumatic. You know, sometimes I get triggered and think, oh my gosh. And then I pray and take it to the Lord and you know, overcome. But that's something that, you know, I'm glad that you said that because that's real.

SPEAKER_02 26:16

Right.

SPEAKER_04 26:17

And other people, their tri their triggers may not be cancer, but it could be some other sickness. It could be an infidelity that happened years ago.

SPEAKER_03 26:26

Yeah, it could be many different things. But you got to deal with them. Yes, and God will help you process them and then bring beauty out of the ashes. And that's what I have for some men. Please listen, man. Um, here's some perspectives for you and your wife. Number one, she's a blessing for you to steward, not a burden for you to bear. Proverbs 18, 22 says he who finds a wife finds a good thing and he obtains favor from the Lord. It's so important for us to meditate on that. Number two, her sacrifices are seeds and you gotta honor them daily. Um research shows that gratitude improves relational satisfaction more than any other single factor. And so um, one of the things, especially if you have if you want to have a marriage that lasts, that's the context, you're gonna go through seasons where you guys change. Like I don't look like I looked at 20 years old.

SPEAKER_04 27:14

You look better, baby.

SPEAKER_03 27:15

Stop it. You do. You you don't look like you looked at 20 years old. Okay, you've had children, there has been stretch marks, there's been all kinds of different things. You say messing up my point.

SPEAKER_04 27:27

Nobody said for you to bring up my stretch marks.

SPEAKER_03 27:29

Yeah, but I was trying to make a point, and you're you're throwing in the streets. I'm sorry, I'm a baby. I don't look the same, babe, as I did.

SPEAKER_04 27:35

You don't look the same, but you look wonderful to me.

Scripture Foundations For Gratitude

SPEAKER_03 27:37

Yeah, I get it, babe. But I'm trying to make a point to people who are hurting and stuff, and it's just like you're throwing out, I don't look the same. I got gray all in my beard, I got love handles on. There's a lot of stuff that's different. I'm not as swole and cut as I used to be. I thank you that you're not noticing those things. But my point is You must be brainwashed. Well, yeah. This is the point. The point is that for marriage, the last stuff is gonna change. When you're 45, you're about to be 50 this year, you it's you're not, you don't look the same as 22. I don't look the same as 22. Most people don't. And I'm talking to most people right now. And so what I'm saying is that um even when a woman has children, the Lord shared this with me, and it's a very beautiful revelation. And I I shared it with you before that and and and this is specifically for women that have had stretch marks, that have had like you've had surgeries on your body and different things like that. The Lord showed me that your body was an altar, was put on the altar to give birth to our family. Think about that for a second. Your body was actually put on the altar to give birth to our family. And so I'm saying that to men who I see a lot of stuff happening where men get to be 40, 50 years old, and they have like a midlife crisis and they gotta go get them a 20-year-old. And many times they're trying to relive some kind of glory days or some time or season where they had less responsibility. Yeah. And what they do is they stop um appreciating the wife that's been with them for 25, 30, 35 years, gave birth to their babies, cooked dinner for him for 20 years, um, washed his clothes for 20 years, and those things now become small in his thinking while breast and booty and looks and physicality and fun, all of that, he begins to heighten. All it is is the lack of appreciation. Are you are you seeing where I'm going with this? Absolutely. And so um I I just felt like a man needs to hear that. That when you have a wife who's been with you over the years, giving birth to your family, your children, who have your last name, her body has been an altar that has been her body has been placed on the altar that is giving birth to your children. Does that make any sense what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_04 29:50

It it makes sense. We give up. We we we we literally give our body um to birth family, to birth children.

Ten Practical Ways To Appreciate

SPEAKER_03 29:59

And so in that perspective. perspective, that is never a bad thing. It is something to be, it's a beauty to behold. Absolutely. It's something to be cherished. And I'm saying that to you as well. Because I don't feel like you might not cherish that. I mean to a woman who has had stretch marks. As soon as I mentioned stretch marks, you said something about you talking about my stretch marks. Those stretch marks can be a pain or it can be the pleasure that gave birth to something. But what I'm saying is that behind every great man there's this great woman who have sacrificed daily. So when I think of you, the reason it's easy for me just to appreciate you is because I see your life and you don't do a lot for yourself. You wouldn't shop for yourself. You do your own hair. You don't want to spend money going to the to the beauty salon. You do your own nails many times because you don't want to spend money over here. But if it comes to spending money on me or your children you're all in and when it comes to taking care of the church and other people you're all in your biggest challenge that I have to help you overcome is that you don't take care of yourself enough. So if I can't notice that and just appreciate you and just not take you for granted. And that's all I'm saying like when you really think about the beauty of the person that you're married to and the things that they do and the things that they have done you really will live your life in with appreciation and not be able to take them for granted.

SPEAKER_04 31:16

I'm speechless no um I get it.

SPEAKER_03 31:25

Yeah so anyway um so my third thing that I would tell a husband is to speak to the queen in her not the critic in you call out her crown not her flaws use affirming words lift her identity as your partner not language that makes her feel small and I think that's very important. So there's a few scriptures I'll go through them very quickly that I think will help concrete this moment and then we'll go in just through 10 practical ways that I have to appreciate your spouse. Philippians 4 8 says think on things that are true, noble right pure lovely and admirable and so one of the ways that you can appreciate your spouse is that you intentionally set your mind to think of on all of their positive qualities. Proverbs 1821 says that the power of life and death is in the tongue speak always life into your marriage. It's easy to say well you don't do this and you don't do that and you're speaking death instead of life and you can make a change there's power in your mouth. Colossians 5 and 3 and 15 says let peace rule your heart and be thankful so you want to have a heart that's always filled with gratitude and I believe that when you do it you you lift the atmosphere in your home and so we have 10 practical ways that you can appreciate your spouse feel free to jump in. Number one, speak specific um praise daily go beyond I love you. Name something specific I appreciate how you cared for this today. Thank you for making our home peaceful specific praise feels intentional and personal.

SPEAKER_04 32:58

Yeah and I think at first this might be um maybe weird to you it might feel uncomfortable and you might have to be intentionally looking for something to compliment something that's praiseworthy. But when you do this day after day it becomes a habit and now you're not thinking about it but you've trained your eye to notice what to be grateful for. Instead of training yourself to see the negative you've trained yourself now to see the positive and it's a good thing.

SPEAKER_03 33:27

Number two would be thank them for the ordinary express gratitude for the things they always do making meals, managing bills, caring for kids, maintaining a home these daily actions are easily overlooked but they're the foundation of a healthy marriage.

SPEAKER_04 33:41

I think sometimes we um idolize for the lack of a better word movie stars and people who are out working and and doing all of these you know big things you know like whatever the big thing is out there. But I think the real rock stars, the real superstars, movie stars are those people in our own household our husbands or wives because those other people that are the rock stars out there, they're not going to give their life for you. They're not going to be there when you get sick. They're not going to be there to pray you through a situation but your husband, your wife, we're the ones that's going to be there.

SPEAKER_03 34:16

Write it down would be number three you can leave sticky notes and short texts, write cards, small written I think you can make a huge impactful difference.

SPEAKER_04 34:24

I love those things.

SPEAKER_03 34:25

Number four would be publicly acknowledge them, compliment your spouse in front of others. Public affirmation builds mutual respect and admiration.

SPEAKER_04 34:33

Absolutely I mean anytime I get to publicly acknowledge like and and this isn't like you know being on stage or like whatever but it's just when we're in public yes I'll come I'll I'll grab your hand I'll you know put my arm around you I just do things to kind of like this is my man you know I'm his wife just to honor you. It makes me feel good but I think it makes a good crown for your head.

SPEAKER_03 34:59

Number five would be give your undivided attention maintain eye contact listen without distractions putting the phone down and muting the TV says you matter more than anything else right now.

SPEAKER_04 35:09

Please put the phone down.

SPEAKER_03 35:12

Honestly you have your phone more than I do.

SPEAKER_04 35:16

I don't know about that.

SPEAKER_03 35:18

Number six is serve them in small and thoughtful ways make their coffee before they wake up take um take on one of their usual tasks without being asked thoughtfulness speaks volumes. Absolutely number seven is pray for them daily helps to see and feel God's heart for your spouse you know I really try to pray for you daily war on your behalf daily and that just helps me get God's heart for you I think that's important. Number eight would be remember and repeat what matters to them. If they mention something they they like or have a goal in bring it up later. Remember their word shows attentiveness number nine is touch and affection physical connection like hugs holding hands kisses on the forehead communicates comfort closeness and appreciation I think that's important. I love that number 10 is think well of them. Choose to fill your mind with adoration gratitude for their qualities instead of dwelling on their flaws and that was actually my point and I've been that's what I've been really focused on. Philippians 4 8 focus on what is true and noble and lovely because I I don't know if if you if you have negative thoughts about a person when they show up in the room it's hard to flip out of the negative thoughts that you have whether it's in the work context whether it's in the family context wherever it is you know what I'm saying. So when in the marriage context if you're always just thinking well of the person that exudes in the relationship and so the thoughts you nurture directly impact the emotional connection that you feel anything from those ten?

Closing, Resources, And Conference Invite

SPEAKER_04 36:52

No they're excellent. I think I need to remember to do a few. Yeah which ones I like the touch you know touch and I think I do that just naturally do that for you though. I know it's not for me that that is the point. But when you said remember things that um they've said or things if they wanted to do that one really caught my attention like hmm let me pay attention.

SPEAKER_03 37:18

All right. Well we're out of time for today everybody we hope that you enjoyed our podcast today make sure that you share this I just feel like there's a lot of merry people taking each other for granted and we got to get back to just appreciating one another thinking well of each other and so hopefully you got some um some keys some principles out of today if you're new to our podcast make sure you hit the subscribe button or the icon on YouTube so you can be the first to grab the content. Also if you're on Spotify or Apple Music make sure that you do whatever you got to do on those mediums to make sure you can get the content fresh as well. We would love to hear from you in our show notes there's an email address. Send us your testimony we want to know what God has been speaking to you, what he's been doing in your life through this podcast. If it's real good leave us a review as well we would love to hear from you and pray for you. If you're ever in Florida come worship with us at a live church you can find information. We got campuses in Orlando Florida Tampa Florida Gainesville Florida and come into a city near you and if there's never or ever been a time to show up and come to Orlando it would be for a live conference all right once a year in the first week of November we have a conference where people come from around the world where they've received prophetic words, healing breakthrough. We believe this three-day conference could change the next 30 years of your life and so come hang out with us get your tickets right now while supplies last to get more information about that check it out in the show notes and uh make sure that you check us out on next Thursday. We look forward to seeing you right back here. Peace. Get ready for an atmosphere full of encounters powerful worship, anointed messages and master classes designed to strengthen you spiritually, personally and your leadership this conference creates a space for believers who want to encounter God and see them spiritual where you find yourself this is your momentum six of the eight here in the Florida what happens in these three days can shape the next 30 years of your life Laugh Conference 2025 revival is here head toLaughconference.org to register now come ready come hungry leave transformed