Our Best Marriage Advice

What if the gap between tension and tenderness is smaller than you think? We revisit a candid conversation about the real work of marriage—how to share the load at home, protect each other’s energy, and bring intimacy back from the brink without losing yourself in the process. No gloss, no clichés, just two people telling the truth about weight, pace, and the everyday choices that keep love steady.

We start by naming the unseen emotional labor many women carry and the unique pressures men face as leaders in the home. From there we map out how to move the division of labor toward center—evaluating quality of life, delegating, hiring help when needed, and choosing the family’s pace on purpose. We talk about why marriage is gritty, why public loyalty and private encouragement matter, and why comparing someone else’s highlight reel to your partner’s lowlight moments sabotages trust. Communication threads through everything: how to say what hurts without shaming, how to confess temptation before it confesses you, and how to replace blame with curiosity when stress or depression hits a home.

Then we get practical with seven keys to revive a sexless marriage. We reclaim a healthy, faith-filled view of sex, build a rhythm of honest conversations, and offer simple habits with outsized payoff: going to bed at the same time, touching outside of sex, scheduling intimacy when needed, taking turns initiating, and celebrating small wins during medical or emotional valleys. The goal isn’t to perform; it’s to reconnect—body, mind, and spirit—so your home feels like a refuge again.

If you’re ready to trade constant friction for calm partnership and real closeness, this conversation will meet you where you are and give you steps you can use tonight. Subscribe, share with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review to help others find the show.

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Transcript

December Reset And Replay

Ken Claytor 0:00

Hey, what's up everybody?

Tabatha Claytor 0:01

Hey everyone.

Ken Claytor 0:01

Welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. Hey, this is a real special month. It's December, y'all.

Tabatha Claytor 0:06

It's Christmas.

Women Carry A Different Daily Load

Ken Claytor 0:07

It's Christmas time, and I know how much you love Christmas. I know how much you love Christmas because we get to celebrate the birth of Jesus, and Jesus is the reason for this whole season. Yes. And so we like to do something different in December. We kind of take a step back and we recalibrate and we get ready for the new year. And we're going to have some fresh content coming for you on January the 1st. This is our miracle year, our miracle season. And so 2026 is going to be amazing. But now what we want to do is just kind of go back and show you some of our favorite episodes from the past. So check this out. Women are emotionally built differently than men. Women are emotionally built differently than men. And Bubba, we need you to know that. Can you talk to that?

Tabatha Claytor 0:58

Oh, I I think so. Yeah. I I think if if you look at the way, you know, men are built, like men are built to provide, you know, to go to war, to protect, um, to fight, to till the land, like um, you know, and like to to carry those heavier, you know, matters, responsibilities. Um and the woman is built to kind of nurture and um, you know, take care of the family, to raise kids, to, like I said before, incubate to bring health to situations.

Ken Claytor 1:33

And those roles don't necessarily have to be like that. Of course, we have traditional roles, but sometimes the man is the the stay-at-home dad and he's the cook and he's the nurturer, and that's okay. But what you're talking about is just in general.

Tabatha Claytor 1:45

Yeah, in general.

Ken Claytor 1:46

So, as a woman, what would you want the everyday man to know when I say a woman is built emotionally different? Is there anything else that comes to mind as a woman that you feel like everyday man needs to know this about how you're you're built?

Tabatha Claytor 2:01

Um, I would just, you know, I would just say that to know that we are um we have grace to do, we have grace to go through every day. We have grace for our menstrual cycles, we have grace for menac, um, all of that, but it's not so easy. It's it's hard. A lot of our days are hard. And um we would just, I don't know.

Ken Claytor 2:24

I I feel like I think men need to know that that your days are hard. Um they might be different than what his day is, but your days are hard.

Sharing The Weight And Quality Of Life

Tabatha Claytor 2:33

They're feminine days, you know, like you you men are masculine and and you you have kind of you know we're like manly kind of issues, I feel like. But women, we we we work hard and we play hard and we give out we pour out everything. We will give everything we will pour everything out. We we'll pour out to our children, we'll make sure they have enough food, but we don't. We'll make sure our kids are clothed um with the nicest clothes, but we don't. We'll make sure that all the bills are paid, we'll make sure that our coworkers got the you know their their projects done. Well, we will do everything. We will pour out in every area of our lives, and sometimes too often we find ourselves at the end of the day and we're just done.

Ken Claytor 3:14

Right. So my hope is for men is that we would um and know that, acknowledge it, and maybe do what we can to try to build up our our women. That the wife, mom, wife slash mom, uh will give her life for the family, and you just need to be aware of that. And I guess that's what you were saying.

Tabatha Claytor 3:30

Yeah, definitely.

Ken Claytor 3:31

You give up everything.

Tabatha Claytor 3:32

Yeah. Can you and and the reason why a man needs to know that is because I feel like you do a really good job in supporting me with this and helping me with this. Oh, you have to tell people. Now I know because throughout the years now I'm I know my weaknesses, you know. I know to okay, girl, say no. Okay, you're doing too much. You can't go everywhere, you can't do everything.

SPEAKER_02 3:51

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor 3:52

Adjust your schedule. You're in control of it. Like I have that now. But I know, you know, um, in the beginning when we were having children and things like that, you would you would have to step in and be like, look, okay, you would actually listen to me. Tell me what's going on. Why are you so exhausted? Well, the kids and the appointments, and I'm trying to work. And and you would actually, okay, you sleep in today. Tomorrow you sleep in. I'm gonna take the kids to school. Um, okay, no, let us. We've had times where, okay, I'm gonna hire somebody to come in and clean the house because you just this is too much. Okay, let me take on no more responsibilities. I'll do the finances. You stop doing the finances. I got this now. So it's just that's how a man could help when you know that's herself to the bone.

Ken Claytor 4:37

Right. Well, and this is this is rich because a lot of men don't know that. And they could kill their wives. They could, they could just not kill them like literally.

Tabatha Claytor 4:46

Stress, anxiety, the pressure of it all.

Ken Claytor 4:49

Is not equal. You know what I'm saying? You work nine to five and then you watch TV for four or five hours. She works nine to five, and then you want her to cook, clean, take care of the kids, do all of the homework. The division of labor has to be agreed upon, and it needs to be um more towards the center. I'm not saying it's 50-50 because every person has a different grace on their life and can handle different things at different times. But yeah, and I and I and that's what that was. That example that you just gave me is that there's times where you might be over the finances, and then I say, okay, bills aren't getting paid. And I say, okay, what's going on? Well, I got this, that, and the other. I say, okay, well, now we need to hire a financial advisor. Now we need to hire a bookkeeper. Now we need to hire a maid. Now we need to hire a chef. Now I need to cook. Now I need to step up. Now we can't do this. So my job as a leader is to continue to evaluate the quality of your life. And, you know, as a pastor, it's amazing that I want everybody to have a great quality of life. Well, how much more should I want that for the one who has taken my last name? And so if you want everybody around you, the people that work under you, your employees to have a quality of life, you got to look at your wife and say, How can I help improve her quality of life? And then it takes it out of the definition that she's just to help me. And you are like position yourself to help your husband, but I want to also help you. And I have to realize when you've helped me too much. So this last one is that you will literally give your life for the family and the kids. I have to protect that because I don't want you dying on the on the job. You know what I'm saying? I need to make sure that you're we're and so I think a lot of this is about pace. And there are some families that maybe you're just moving at too fast pace.

Tabatha Claytor 6:25

We slow the whole thing down.

Ken Claytor 6:27

Yeah. Yeah. You got to just say, okay.

Marriage Is Gritty Not Romanticized

Tabatha Claytor 6:29

And I think that's what you've done when you talk about being the leader and wanting our husbands to step up. It's like you've stepped in front of, you know, I remember working because you know, we work together. I remember when we were, I got pregnant with our second child. Our church, we were maybe in church for like maybe three, four years, three years, four years. Um, and I got to a point where I was serving, serving, serving, and you came in and you said, you know what, this is your last week. You need to finish it up now. You're coming home and you're gonna spend the rest of the pregnancy in the house. I was kind of upset. Like, are you serious? Like, I but but you led in that moment.

Ken Claytor 7:02

She was nine months and a half pregnant, walking around with high heels all through the church, trying to serve like she was doing before she had a baby. And it was a crazy scene, and uh, I just had to bring it to a close. But that's what we should do. Yeah, like no, no, no, no, this is too much. Let's let's talk about this. How can I help? When we romanticize marriage, we don't realize that we're marrying a human being, we're not marrying somebody off of Instagram. And so the person's breath is not always fresh, their stomach is not always acting right, their attitude is not always see. Marriage is such an inner court relationship where I'm inviting you in because I trust that you trust me enough to come into my intersanctum, so to say, of my life, and I'm gonna show you the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between. What a wonderful privilege that we begin to take advantage of. And then we compare somebody's highlights to the lowlights of what we live with because of this romanticized piece on marriage. I would I would venture to say marriage is gritty.

Tabatha Claytor 8:02

It is.

Ken Claytor 8:02

It's gritty. It ain't for the faint-hearted. It's for the people that's like, we're gonna ride or die together. It's gonna be us together. You got cancer, you don't have cancer, it's gonna be us. You gain 300 pounds, it's still gonna be us. Whatever, it's gonna be us. We gotta, it's our team. And I don't know if people have that mindset.

Tabatha Claytor 8:18

Or even have that kind of conversation. Because like you and I in our like, you know, maybe it's on date night or maybe it's a Tuesday night and we're just watching TV, we might have been inspired by a movie, and we'll be like, you know, if you come and start saying something, you know, like, babe, I got your back. And we'll start talking to each other and just like really be each other's cheerleaders and fight for one another and be like, come on, babe, what you want to do? You want me to go get my coat? We're gonna go outside, we're gonna fight right now.

Ken Claytor 8:42

I'll call her I call her scrappy. I call her scrappy-doo. Y'all remember the show, the cartoon Scopy-Doo? And then he had this little dog that was like, What is it what is that, Scooby?

SPEAKER_00 8:51

What are we there, Scooby? Let me out of him, let me at him, let me at him.

Ken Claytor 8:53

She's my scrappy-doo. And there's just something about being married to Scrappy, like that's just a wonderful trait to have. Because as a man, I just feel like I got so many pressures and responsibilities as a minority, as a man of God, as a pastor, as a parent. I halfway know what I'm doing half the time, and I'm trying to figure this thing out, and the world is trying to um um tear me down. It's a horrible thing to come home and then my helpmates tearing me down too. And even if I'm not doing the best job, just get behind my back and say, I'm with you, baby. You're all that. You're you're all that in a bag of chips. I got your back.

Tabatha Claytor 9:31

You're right. There's this meme or this kind of like thing that's going around on social media where there's a woman in the background. I think she's being interviewed by like Dr. Phil, and he's saying, Look at him. Look at your this is your man. Do you support him? And she's like, mm-hmm, and he's like doing something ratchet, like scratching his stomach.

Ken Claytor 9:47

Yeah, I just I think you yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 9:50

I did. I posted something of you. Yeah, I was gonna say it's hilarious. But it's the woman saying, and and now wives are putting their man on there and he's doing crazy stuff. One guy jumps off of a roof into a snowbank and is like completely covered in snow. It's just hilarious. But I think it's so funny because the wife is like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. That's him. He's mine, he's my man. It's the problem. We're gonna stick with him. Your intelligent choice. Well, well, it it's just like that's where the scrappiness is because you don't have to have a certain kind of personality or anything. It's just like with your with your kids. Um, you know, if let somebody do something to your kids. Mama Bear will rise up in a heartbeat. Well, it's the same way with my man or with, you know, your wife. Yeah, that no, we fight for one another. Okay, you can personally, I don't care what you say about me, but don't talk about my man because we, you know, I'm gonna have a problem.

Scrappy Support And Encouragement

Ken Claytor 10:38

Scrappy. Yeah. Come on, that's a word. I'll give you number three, three things that every married couple must hear. Number three was be don't sweat the small stuff. And I think you know how the scripture says it's better to be in the housetop instead of to be with a nagging woman. Yeah. Um, let's just extraculate, extra I don't know how to say the word, extrapolate the principle, because I don't want to make it just like women can nag. I think men can nag as well. Or the principle is with somebody that's always just at you. Like, oh my God. Like, I can't do anything right here because it's the small stuff. You left the lights on, you didn't do this, you didn't pay this on time. Did you, did you, did you turn this off? Did you put the AC on? Did you walk the dogs? And I think that marriage is made up of tons of small things. Absolutely. And sometimes we win the battle but we lose the war. Can you talk to me about small things?

Tabatha Claytor 11:31

It's so sad. I mean, the the temptation is real though. I mean, it's real to nag. And why is that though? Uh I think, you know, for me, I you know where Jesus the the Martha, Martha, Martha. Yeah. You worry about so many things. It's just like the Martha syndrome where she's like, look, there's these people in the house, I gotta feed, you know, uh, I gotta cook for everybody, I I gotta clean, and like, you know, what's going on, you know, and she's like goes to Jesus and complains and like, you know, my sister, she's not even helping me. I'm the only one doing all this stuff. And he says, you know, she's worried about the one thing that is important.

SPEAKER_02 12:05

Yeah.

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

Tabatha Claytor 12:06

You're worried about too many other things that don't really matter right now. And so I tried to apply that principle when it comes to family and marriage and things like that to, okay, what's the God thing? Because you can be doing a whole bunch of good things. It's good to take out the trash, it's good to not have dishes in the sink, it's good to not leave your socks in the bed, it's good for all of these things. But what's the one thing that matters in this moment? And um, try to focus on that because it's so easy to get caught up in all of the little things. And I sometimes I can just hear Jesus saying, Tabitha Tabitha, Tabitha. But you know, it's really real.

Ken Claytor 12:44

And you know, you just now we've lived together for 23 years. And if I was to say, hey, um, make a list of the things you think your wife struggles with the most, that would probably be in my top three.

SPEAKER_02 12:55

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 12:56

Why is that? Do you think that that is a woman thing or is it a personality thing, or or is it just a you thing?

Tabatha Claytor 13:03

Um, it it could be personality. I think it it sometimes goes to the role of a woman because often the woman woman's responsibility is uh in the home is to take care of the home. Um, we're the ones that decorate the homes. We're the ones that say where the dishes go in the kitchen. We're the ones who take care of our kids. Sometimes, most times. Most of the time. You know, it's that. And so, for example, like I just had to really, I mean, it was probably last week. I had to say, okay, Tabitha, get it together. You cannot come down here. Um, I would come, our kids are supposed to clean the kitchen at night. And they just haven't been cleaning the kitchen and they got their own things going on, sports and things like that. And I had been coming down so peaceful in the morning. I get up, I spend time with Jesus, everything's great. And then it'd be like six o'clock a.m. I'm in the kitchen furyated. Man. And and I mean, just infuriated so angry uh because I can smell the dishes in the kitchen before I get there. Okay. I see the dishes. I'm like, they didn't do this, they didn't take out the trash, the floor is dirty, you put it all of this stuff. No, I didn't.

Ken Claytor 14:09

Okay. You until you turn the corner.

Tabatha Claytor 14:11

When I turn the corner, I said that. But here's and and this is this is my answer to like why it might happen. Um, it's because what I realized for me, it's just I have so many things on my plate for that day. And I wasn't expecting to do those things. Do you know what I mean? It was just kind of like this is preventing me from doing what I really want to do. And it just felt like an it feels like an overload.

Ken Claytor 14:34

But the thing is when you have kids, you always doing stuff that you don't want to do.

Tabatha Claytor 14:37

You're so right.

Ken Claytor 14:38

Somebody left their lunch, somebody left their shoes, somebody didn't do what they were supposed to do. It's like this consistent until they reach a certain age, it's this consistent thing where you're basically caring for other individuals.

Tabatha Claytor 14:50

And and well, let me tell you how I fixed it. Because let me tell you what I've done in the past, and some, you know, this is gonna be this is gonna help someone. So I come down, now I'm mad at the kids because they don't do anything. And so the next, the very next person for me to get angry with is you. Because I'm like, well, where is Ken? What is he? I just need him to get the kids. He's and because now I see the dish that you left in the sink, right? So I put you in the category right along with the kids.

Ken Claytor 15:14

Oh wow.

Tabatha Claytor 15:14

And so I didn't even know this.

Ken Claytor 15:16

Tell us.

Tabatha Claytor 15:17

Now you're just mad at everyone. And so what I did was um, I mean, I feel like it's like three days ago, honestly. But I just said, you know what? I'm I'm gonna quit. I'm not gonna be because this is making everyone else is okay with this. I'm the only one that's tripping. So I was just like, I'm just gonna clean it up myself. And I removed the expectation, okay, if there before I go to bed at night, I'm going to make sure that the kitchen's clean. Yeah. Whether I get the kids to help me or whether I do it myself, so that when I come downstairs, I don't have this expectation. And it's not like thrown in my face, oh my gosh, you have to clean the kitchen now. You know what I mean? Right. And so I just did it myself. I handled it. And now, I mean, it's just like problem solved. I don't have that issue anymore. It's wonderful.

Ken Claytor 16:02

Yeah. I mean, that's that's a mouthful, but it's true.

Tabatha Claytor 16:06

Would a man really tell a wife that he was attracted to someone? Like, is that really real? Or would he go tell his friend? Should he go tell his pastor? Should he find somebody like, is this really weird? Like, has this ever happened in the history of men and women that a husband comes and says, you know what, I'm struggling because I'm attracted to someone else?

Ken Claytor 16:23

I don't know. I think I've told you that before, right? Yeah. Okay. But but so if I'm saying that, I'm basically saying that this person is attractive, but I don't want them. But I find them to be attractive. Because my psychologist told me like this, or I even heard, I don't know, Jesse DePlanis or somebody years ago, you need to tell on sin before sin tells on you.

Tabatha Claytor 16:43

That's good.

Expectations, Chores, And Emotional Triggers

Ken Claytor 16:44

So if you are willing to open up, I found that the temptation of it even goes away when you talk about it. So I don't know if it's really realistic for everybody. I think that we have built um a communication, uh, uh, a relationship to where I am comfortable to a degree. Um, but maybe he could talk to his pastor or his mentor. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Yeah. But what I'm saying is, can we grow to the place where we have that kind of confidence in one another? Like this, like this communication thing that's happening where, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You say, is it realistic? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 17:20

Okay.

Ken Claytor 17:21

You know, I let everybody else watching this judge if it's realistic. I think that it it's a realistic goal. And whether you get there on a hundredfold or sixty-fold or the thirty-fold or the nofold, I think it's a great goal to to get towards because everybody's situation is different.

SPEAKER_02 17:35

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 17:36

You know, like your wiring seems more confident and secure, maybe than other women. But then there's been seasons where I'm feeling your insecurity below that I would be maybe less to talk about certain things. Right. And I'm not saying that like I got a lot of stuff to talk about. I'm saying it just trying to share the principles with people. This is what a woman would need to know about a man. He's under more pressure than you will ever know. Your husband is caring more than you ever realize. And I know you're busy, I know you got the kids, I know you're, you know, in a traditional home fixing food and whatever have you. I know you got your own investments and portfolio and everything that you're doing. And I know you're both under warfare. But he's under a different kind of pressure. Why? Because he's in the office of a man. And in the and it's just like like you can be in ministry, and I hear people say this all the time. I I got lead pastors coming to me. I had no clue. I was a youth pastor for so many years. I was an assistant pastor for so I had no clue. I started a church, it's about to kill me. Yeah. Because you were the second chair, and you just didn't have the warfare that the first chair had. And I know you thought you were pastoring and ministering, just like your lead pastor was, but when you say yes to this apostleship, get ready for a whole nother kind of devil. We're both living a life, but in the order of God, God has given the husbands the role to lead. And that's why it says wives submit to husbands. It's not that the wife is supposed to be the slave to the husband. It means that he is the responsible one. He is the leader. And if the devil's going to attack anybody, first, he's going to attack the leader. He's taking out the president, he's taken out the general, he's taken out whoever will drastically affect the rest of this team. The office of being a husband or a father or a man has a different kind of warfare. That's not to minimize yours, it's just to let people know that it is different. It is serious.

Tabatha Claytor 19:28

Um, it's different. And, you know, like you said, yeah, as wives, we do, we have another weight. Uh-huh. It doesn't make one weight strong, you know, you know, better or worse than the other because my weight is more, I I can't carry another weight. It's it's as strong as I could ever, you know, like I this is my weight.

SPEAKER_02 19:46

Right.

Tabatha Claytor 19:46

And I can't compare it to yours. And so, you know, we do have our own weights. But I like to look at, you know, as a wife, when when I look at you and when I pray for you, um, I like to just it I I take it personal. And I know that because. Biblically, you are the head of our family. You would be the president. I would be the vice president. You're the pastor of our family. Yes, you're the pastor of my family. And so when I pray, I know that the enemy's goal is to take you out before they would take out anybody else. Because if they can take you out, they're more likely to take me out and the rest of the family.

Ken Claytor 20:21

And what does that do for you? Because you know that. What position does that put you in?

Tabatha Claytor 20:25

Um it it causes me to just undergird you more. Okay. It causes me to be give you more support, um, to have your back.

SPEAKER_02 20:34

Right.

Radical Honesty About Attraction

Tabatha Claytor 20:35

Um, I feel like, okay, if you're facing this direction, baby, I got you over here. Okay. It it causes me to team up with you, but it causes me to understand that weight that you're talking about. Because we can get, you know, honestly, as a woman, you know, even as I was sitting here listening to you say, you know, like, oh, but but the man has a weight, it almost makes me feel like, oh, my your weight's heavier than mine. And um, like I'm weaker than you, and all of this stuff. And yes and no, because the woman is the weaker vessel, of course.

Ken Claytor 21:05

I think it's a leadership principle. Uh-huh. Okay. You are an employee. Just know your employer has a different kind of weight. Yep. Okay. You're on a team. Just know that the owner of the team has a different kind of weight. You you just got to know that the higher you go in leadership, it is not to demise another, but it is a revelation. Absolutely. This man, like the devil wants to take out my husband. Absolutely. Take out my the the father of my kids. He wants to take them out first and foremost. And I think then you're in a position where you can really pray and kind of be a part of the answer more than a part of the problem. There are married people today that they don't like where they are in life, so they blame who they married.

SPEAKER_02 21:46

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 21:47

They blame them that they didn't go to school, they didn't take the job. They just blame them. Because many times what you do is you just attack the person that's closest to you. So when you don't like who you are, you kind of deflect the responsibility of what you're experiencing onto somebody. And the easiest culprit is that person that's called your wife or your husband. And it's so sad. Yeah. The person that actually took your last name that you share a bed together, that's the person that you attack the most. Oh no, just let's just talk about it for a second. I mean, there's nothing new under the sun. It's true. Same stuff.

Tabatha Claytor 22:19

I was just thinking because I'm like, wow, you know, what could we have done different in that time? Because you were out and it seemed like you were angry and you were just kind of stirring up this huge, kind of like a growing ball of just whatever anger. And you were just growing and growing and growing in that anger, doing all of these things. And I was at home, probably just growing in depression, you know, didn't really see a way out. I was stuck. I'm like, what would we have done different? I probably think we we would begin with communication. We would begin with really sitting down and talking to one another and you saying, Hey, this is how I feel. But really being open with your, you know, opinions.

Ken Claytor 22:58

You think that would have helped?

The Unique Pressure On Husbands

Tabatha Claytor 22:59

Um, you know, I think it probably would have been a start. Uh, because even though I was depressed, um, I still, you know, I still loved you, I still cared, I was still pretty smart, you know. I was just battling with this depression. It could have at least opened up my eyes to see where you were. Um, because I had no idea.

Ken Claytor 23:18

But can we talk about that for a moment? You know, I love telling our story and I try to be really real with making me seem like a horrible person. Um, you don't articulate yourself that way. But I've heard you say this in conferences before, just to make sure the hearers understand balance.

SPEAKER_02 23:33

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 23:34

You're because people will hear it like you're such a bad guy. She was depressed. Why didn't you help her? But how that person feels when they're immature is that I've been abandoned. Absolutely. You're not there for me. You're not even talking to me, you're not having sex with me, you're not doing anything that a wife is supposed to do. So let's, let's, let's, just, let's just try to, and I think that's the thing. I think sometimes people take sides. What I've always tried to do, even politically, is I want to hear the other side. And then I want to hear this side, and then I want to make an informed decision. So, yes, I was bitter, I was angry, I was resentful, I was unfaithful, I was wrong, right? But it wasn't just because you wasn't do you had no part to play in it at all.

Tabatha Claytor 24:12

Yeah, um, absolutely. And I think it wasn't just so for me, I was sick, I was depressed. But there are other couples who go through cancer, they go through major life challenges, health challenges, and the where one of the the spouse is just kind of incoherent. This the spouse is really, you know, struggling. Um, and that other spouse, the one that's left to take care of the kids and the family and pay the bills and go to work and do everything, you can feel abandoned. You feel even rejected at times, like you are alone and you signed you got married to live life with this person, but now all of a sudden, like you're alone and you have to face those those those feelings.

Ken Claytor 24:53

I don't want to get stuck there. I would say that that was a long time ago. That was 24 years ago. And since then, we've gone through battles where I've really I've been able to absolutely um those people need help, they need ministry, and I think it's important that you say, you know what? I had a uh a spouse die. I've been caring for a spouse for three or four years. I didn't expect that. I need counseling, I need counseling. Right. That's a traumatic event. Right. And so I think there's a little grace, but there's also like a okay, what can I do to help over uh you know, kind of get through that?

Tabatha Claytor 25:27

The point is it's not an excuse to do wrong. It's not an excuse to do wrong number one, um, and number two, there is every chance in the world to change your situation and overcome.

Ken Claytor 25:39

Right. Seven keys to saving a sexless marriage. Number one is that you got to get God's perspective on sex. Okay, there's three main reasons for sex. Of course, number one is procreation to be fruitful and multiply to have kids. Number two is enjoyment between husband and wife. I know that there are some very, very religious sectors that feel like sex is only to have babies, but you have to read the Song of Solomon and understand that he gives us richly all things, including sex, to enjoy. And number three, it's intimacy between husband and wife. Those are the three main reasons of why God created sex, and we need to embrace all three of those. Okay. And so you got to get God's perspective on sex. Sex between husband and wife is pure, it's holy, and it's godly. Yes. Okay, and you have to get that into your renewed mind and into your spirit. Anything on that?

Tabatha Claytor 26:30

I think that there are some women and some men that have to go back in their past and deal with the reason why maybe you don't want to be naked in front of your spouse. Maybe the reason why you hold back and you don't want to do this or that. If you cannot be completely 100% free and liberated in the sexual relationship with your spouse, I would challenge you to maybe see a counselor and get pastoral, get you know, some type of uh pastoral guidance and counseling as well, so that you can break those chains, you can come out of bondage and be free in that area.

Ken Claytor 27:05

So good.

Tabatha Claytor 27:06

And it is possible. I've done it.

Undergirding Your Spouse In Prayer

Ken Claytor 27:07

Amen. Number two, seven keys to saving a sexless marriage is that you need to talk about your sex life. Where are you, where you want to be. Open up and communicate and talk about your feelings and the rhythms that you would like. This is huge because many people are not communicating where they really are in their sex life. So we do a family meeting at least every other week. And one of our things on the topic, and we have a family meet meeting outline that we've put out to everybody, and of course, it's also in our Better Marriage Boot Camp is um we talk about calendar, we talk about finances, and we talk about sex. Baby, what do you like that I do? Sweetheart, what do you want more of or less of? And it's very important that you open up and you express what your sexual frustrations, your sexual appetite, what you would like to do, and you guys talk about it. Yeah. Anything on that?

Tabatha Claytor 28:00

Um, I think that's hard. It's difficult to do, especially if your um marriage isn't uh especially if your uh sexual, you know, your sex relationship isn't like good. Um it's hard at first to talk about it, but it still must be talked about. The more you talk about it, the easier it will get. And so I just want to set the expectations up front. It's like, yeah, it'll be uncomfortable, yeah, you know, but uh because you're being vulnerable and you're, you know, saying certain things, but it's okay. It's okay. It's gonna be real uncomfortable. We felt uncomfortable, but you'll get through it. Keep on having the conversations and you'll get better and it'll be all good.

Ken Claytor 28:34

Number three, try to go to bed at the same time. You know, I think that there's a lot of people that are falling asleep on the couch or falling asleep in different rooms. The woman goes to bed at 7 p.m., the man comes to bed at 11 p.m., and there are two ships passing in the night. And I think that we've learned that we kind of go to bed at the same time. And I'm a late person. I'm more of an 11 o'clock person, and she's the seven o'clock person. Yep. But when she goes into the bed, I'm usually there by 7:30 or 8. Uh-huh. I'm trying to catch her before she goes to sleep. And I think it's important to go to bed at the same time.

Tabatha Claytor 29:08

Definitely. I think it is. And you know, you can make uh as far as bedtime goes, I think we've evolved through the years. Um, but yeah, I'm early to rise, early to go to bed, um, early to rise. You're late to go to bed, early to rise. You just need less sleep than me. Um, but we make sure that we're in the bedroom at the same time. Um, and there, therefore, I go to sleep. I do things like I put in earplugs, I'll put on a you know, eye mask, and I will pass out and you'll see you'll be over there reading um or doing whatever you do. But we are in the bed at the same time. Um, so whatever your rhythm is or your schedule is, whether you're early to bed or late to bed, I think you can make it work.

Ken Claytor 29:47

Yeah, yeah. Um, here's number four touch each other often. Not just sexual, but loving touches. I think there are some couples that they only touch when it's sex time, and that's not enough touches. Yeah. And so it's a kiss, good morning. It's a kiss before you leave for work today. It's a kiss when you come home. There's a tap on the booty, there's a caress of the arm, there's a holding of hands. Um, is that important to you? And if so, why?

Blame, Depression, And Communication

Tabatha Claytor 30:10

Um, I think it is. Well, I mean, touch is kind of one of it ranks high in my love language. Um, and so I like the, you know, that feeling of touch. I even go and I touch my kids, but you know, scientist because I'm a nerd, um I there was a study done like scientifically. There's things that happen whenever you touch each other. Whenever you even come close to each other, there's things that happen. There's um like energy exchange and certain things that happen, like endorphins that happen whenever we touch one another. And so it's actually, I mean, it's just good. It's good to touch one another. And then to not feel like strangers, you know, like no other man is touching me. You know what I mean? No other woman is touching you. Like, I think I want, I don't know. I personally I want to be touched by my husband. It's a privilege, you know. Like if, if, you know, my my body, everything, my I am your gift. And I want you, I want you to to you to feel invited to do that. But then also as a man, I would tell wives, like, um, I don't think I think it's a misunderstanding that men don't need touch or they don't need caressed or anything like that. I would encourage you to just pour your love out on him. Again, read the Song of Solomon and treat him like let him be touched, touch his face, you know, touch his beard, you know, touch his body, because you'll there's there's intimacy in that. Um, there's more um, I can't even describe the things that happen in that, but there's a closeness there that that that touches only what husband and wife can um do with each other. So I think I don't know if I'm making myself clear, but I think it's a big deal. Just try it.

Ken Claytor 31:43

Okay. Number five will be plan sex in if you must and make an important part of your relationship rhythm. I think sometimes we just look for organic sex and organic sex is good. I think you can have sex and it just be like spur of the moment kind of things. But if you're in a sexless marriage, it needs to be another step towards intentionality. And so if you're in a sexless marriage where you're not having sex enough, one sure way to make sure that you're having sex is to put it in your calendar. And so our sex nights will be every Friday night, our sex nights will be every Monday and Wednesday, our sex night will be Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. I think if you sit down in your family meeting, one thing that you can do is to actually schedule it in to where everybody knows that this is what's gonna happen tonight or in the morning, whenever it's good for you, lunchtime. We don't care. It's just playing it in. A number six would be takes turns initiating sex. Um and we talked about that just a little bit. And so we don't want initiation just to be a man thing. If you're in a sexless marriage, um, woman of God, start to initiate it, man of God, you start to initiate it. Um, if you've been dealing with erectile dysfunction or some kind of other medical issue, you need to start celebrating even the small wins. Celebrate that you took a shower together. Celebrate, like just because there is a medical issue going on, don't allow intimacy to completely crash in your relationship. Fight this thing, come go to doctors, take your medicine, do whatever you got to do to get yourself to the place where it's the intimacy that we're after. It's not just the physical part, it's the intimacy that we're after. And uh, point number seven, last but not least, seven points to saving a sexless marriage would be only one person needs to be in the mood. And we talked about that.

Tabatha Claytor 33:24

That's a great point.

Ken Claytor 33:24

That's the great point right there. And so stop waiting to be in the mood because it is a fallacy. All right. Many times we have sex and we're not in the mood when we start, but we get in the mood and we're like, thank God we did this. I don't know what we were thinking, you know. I hope you guys enjoyed today's episode. But just like always, make sure that you like, comment, and also share the episode that you heard on today. If you are a giver, I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you for your generosity, but also invite you into our year in giving. You know, we end our year in faith. We have a thing that we call Super Sunday. And what it is, is our heart of the house offering. It is our kingdom expansion offering, it's our vision offering that we allow the people who are part of our church to give towards the year end. And we want to extend that opportunity to you as well. If you're a part of our podcast family, you've been doing life with us, and our ministry has been a blessing to you. We would love for you just to prayerfully consider I'm sowing and giving towards this ministry. If you don't mind, just take a moment and say, Holy Spirit, what would you have me to give? And whatever He asks you to do, we would ask you to do that. You know, for the year-end offering, Tabitha and I, this was actually this year, our 25th year consecutively, giving in year-end offerings over and above our normal tithes. And so we just want to extend it for um to you guys all throughout December. You say, Pastor, I want to give. How do I do it? There should be a link in the show notes below. All you got to do is go there and whatever amount God's put in your heart, just know that 100% of what we receive this year will help us reach more people next year and change more lives. And more importantly, not only that, we're gonna believe for a financial miracle for you because this is our miracle season. We love y'all. We'll see you soon. Peace.