Doing Life with Ken and Tabatha

Don’t Settle For An “OK” Marriage

• Ken Claytor and Tabatha Claytor

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Settling for “okay” feels safe, but it quietly shrinks your marriage. We dig into why cruise control robs connection and how a few intentional shifts can turn your relationship into a lifelong adventure. From writing a simple family mission to scheduling a 20-second hug, we share the small, repeatable habits that build warmth, trust, and momentum across every season.

We get real about seasons and capacity: how wisdom can multiply what time no longer does, why pivoting your pace is not failure but stewardship, and how to keep your spouse first when life gets crowded with kids, career, and ministry. You’ll hear how we use family meetings to surface blind spots without blame, plus the honest questions that make feedback safe. We also name the trap of projection—how dissatisfaction with yourself can masquerade as disappointment with your partner—and offer a path back to ownership and healing.

Then we roll out an eight-part playbook to beat the “okay” marriage: craft a shared vision, win the day with small rituals, fight fair with a written playbook, pursue intimacy on purpose, treat money as a team sport, practice radical honesty, install protective guardrails, and keep novelty alive with monthly mini-adventures. Expect practical examples—date-night rhythms, conflict rules, trust “bricks,” Sunday money huddles—and a reminder that many couples don’t fall out of love; they fall out of like. Choose curiosity, choose growth, and choose each other.

If this helped you, tap follow, share it with a friend who refuses to settle, and leave a quick review telling us which practice you’ll try first. Your feedback helps more couples find a path from okay to extraordinary.

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i...

Welcome & Why Couples Settle

Tabatha Claytor

This walk of with God is a continual faith walk. Right. But we're always growing and we all we're never going to arrive where we don't need to trust in God.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

And so now I might not have had the time to study, you know, for um seven hours to preach a message the way that I used to. Maybe I only had five hours, but the other two hours, I got like 10 extra hours just through wisdom, just through experience, you know, and through walking with God that I bring to the platform with me. And it's anointed and it's blessed every time.

The Myth Of “Okay” Marriage

Ken Claytor

Hello, what's up, everybody? Welcome to another edition of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. Pumped to have you guys with us today. We feel like we got a great one for you, especially if you're married. You know, this podcast is for everybody. You know, regardless of your relationship status, is first and foremost a marriage podcast and then a relation podcast, relationship podcast, but also a personal growth podcast. But we love when we get to talk about marriage. And so talk to me, sweetheart. Why is it easy to settle? It feels like there's always this unspoken pressure that says, it don't take all that, you know, we good where we are. Um, I want to put in the hard work. Um, it's this thing where people get married and they get on cruise control. What's that about?

Tabatha Claytor

I think it's all that what you just said. It's harder to um make it better, you know. Uh it's easy to just go into cruise control. Um, it takes all the guesswork out, you know, this works, you know. Um, and I think it's easy. You take chances whenever you or you put yourself out there. It's more risky for you to try to change, um, to try to get better, try something new. I think all of that equals work.

Ken Claytor

And what is the dangers of the okay marriage?

Tabatha Claytor

It's just okay.

Ken Claytor

You be bored and yeah, you know, well, I feel like um society kind of labels the um the single life is like this hot. I met somebody in the bar, and we're gonna go back to my place and tear each other's clothes off. And then when you get married, that's my ball and chain, that's my old, my old woman, my old lady, and it's boring. And I think that we should change the narrative. Um, I actually think it can be the opposite. I think the premarital state should be holiness, and before you say I do, you say do I. And it's an exploratory stage where you're saying if this is somebody that you want to partner with for life. Okay. My number one, uh I don't know if it's my number one. I just say higher my priority for who you should marry. You want to try to marry your best friend. You don't want to try to marry somebody that, oh, well, he got this and that, but I don't really like being around him. And she she cook and she she she looked good on the outside, but she gets on my nerves. It it's great to have a friendship.

Tabatha Claytor

Please don't marry someone that gets on your nerves.

Ken Claytor

Because you're gonna get on each other's nerves, period. Yes. Just because you're two individual people. But you should genuinely like one another. Right. Um, so I want to kind of change the narrative and flip it because then the marital state should be a lifetime of serving each other, honoring each other, exploring intimacy together, growing in love with one another, growing in how we meet each other's needs. And when you look at it as a lifelong adventure, it can actually become something that's not okay. We want to go from good to great. We want to go from okay to wonderful. Uh-huh. You know, but I just feel like too many people, they're okay with okay. And I ain't okay with okay. Now, if you're okay with okay, this probably ain't the podcast for you. Right. But if you say no, I wanna, I want to get better. I want my marriage to grow. I want to have a passion, I want to be 70 years old, 80 years old, and still passionate about each other.

Putting Spouse First In Real Life

Tabatha Claytor

Well, I think people you you talked about, like, what's the danger in being okay? I don't know if there's any real danger, but the the danger to me would be is that you think that okay is all there is. And there's always more. There's always better. And marriage is something that God created and he created it for us to enjoy, to have fun. Like the danger is that we would spend the rest of our lives. You know, we've been married for 26 years now, and um we didn't change. We just stayed the where we are right now. I think our marriage is great right now, but I wouldn't want it to stay the same.

Ken Claytor

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

I'd want it to get better and better.

Ken Claytor

Well, I think there is a danger to being okay because anything not grown is dying. Well, and like when I just look at the landscape, I don't know everybody, but I just take a quick little brief at some people that I know and what I see on TV. So I don't have a big, you know, market share uh to take this sample from. But from what I see, I see people just they get married and they do so much to get the person and their dates and their engagement. They spend all this money and all this time. They have these extravagant weddings and honeymoons, and then everything's downhill from the honeymoon. And yeah, there might be, we're gonna celebrate an anniversary. There might be a couple highs of theirs. I don't know about you. I don't want 26 years ago to be the high point of our relationship where we're just cruising because anything not growing is dying. I at least want a little bit of gradual up. Sometimes it can be really up, but I always want it to be like from one level to another level. So to me, it is dangerous just to be okay.

Tabatha Claytor

You're right. And I think this too, sometimes marriage is okay because we put our business above our marriage. Right. Like, oh, it's more important. I got this business to do, I gotta go do this, I gotta go do that, and that comes first. Our children above our marriage. So, oh, well, I gotta take care of the kids, and such and such has soccer practice, and I gotta go to baseball practice. And so all of those things come before our spouse in our marriage. And yeah, that's not good.

Ken Claytor

Yeah, and I think if you ask the average person, they would say, No, those things don't come in front of my spouse, and that's what you think in here, but in how you spend your time, your money, what gets your attention, your affection, and your passion, those things do come in front.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And I would just say this is a great time to try to make the main thing the main thing again.

Tabatha Claytor

Well, I think also it's a good question to ask each other. Do you feel like I put you first in your in my life?

Ken Claytor

Are you asking me?

Tabatha Claytor

And you know, well, I mean I I can, but do do I feel this is for everyone to listening. Okay. You know, ask your spouse, do you feel like I put you first? If so, how? If not, how? So that we can become better.

Ken Claytor

Do you feel like I put you first?

Tabatha Claytor

I do.

Ken Claytor

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor

If so, how um you are always um just caring for me, you know. Just yesterday, uh even in the little things, I was having a phone conversation with our insurance adjuster.

SPEAKER_03

Oh lord.

Tabatha Claytor

And um, I I mean, usually you handle all of these things with our car insurance, all of this stuff. And they were just kind of giving me a hard time, kind of giving me the runaround. And you're just like, give me the phone, you know. You took the phone and you handled it and and all of that. And then when you got off the phone, you said, I mean, I'm okay with it. I think I might change insurance. I just don't like it when people give my wife a hard time. And it's just one of those ways, again, that it made me feel like, you know, you didn't have to do that, and I didn't need you to do it for me, but I'm glad you did. I like being covered by you. You put me first.

Ken Claytor

Oh, wow. Thank you. Well, that was a great example.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Okay. All right, you want to ask me?

Tabatha Claytor

I'm afraid to ask you because I feel like you're anxious. I feel like you want me to ask you. Okay. Um, do you feel like I put you first?

Ken Claytor

I do. Yeah, I do. I mean. I mean, I I may feel like sometimes you could put me first more, but I do feel like you put me first. I feel like you put me first in your heart. I feel like I am first in your heart. I feel like sometimes you the way you manage your life and your schedule, sometimes I might get lost in the sauce a little bit between kids and other responsibilities. I think that we were talking about that in our last family meeting. I I hate to air our launch.

Tabatha Claytor

That's why I didn't want to ask you because I feel like I know what the answer is.

Family Meetings And Honest Feedback

Ken Claytor

But I feel like whenever we go here, you always are so positive, and I always say something. I think that's the difference in our personalities. It is, it is. It's nothing like no one has to write me dirty comments or anything. It's just we're having an honest, open conversation, and there's some times that I feel like a little bit like so but it what what a great conversation it is to have for couples to say, because whenever, like, let's say we have a family meeting and I say, Well, baby, I just feel ignored a little bit. I feel like you're not putting me first. I feel like so forth and so on. You will adjust like 180 degrees out of the meeting, taking care of stuff, and I'll be thinking, like, wow, this is great. I wonder how long it can last for because you're such a mass pivoter. But I like that about that.

Tabatha Claytor

I love instruction, and I'm not afraid of instruction. I'm not afraid of a positive critique. Like, tell me so that I I want you to be happy. I want to do what you need me to do, not what I think I need, you know, you need me to do.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Um, but this is a great conversation because this is real life. And uh there are husbands that are exactly the way, you know, that you feel the way that you do, and there's wives. Typically, we do the same, we have the same responsibilities. We take care of the kids, we take care of the house, husband, you're doing things. I mean, we have we take on those same roles. And so a lot of times what we go through, other people, everybody else is going through it at some level.

Ken Claytor

Well, well, I can tell you why. And I I'm not right for this, but I can tell you why. Yeah, I just just I don't tell her. I think as a as a hus as a man, when I got married, um, from a biblical standpoint, I was like, okay, she's gonna be my helpmate or my helpmate. And so there's a subconscious conscious part of me that's like, man, she's gonna help me, she's gonna help me, she's gonna help me. Then if you come through a season of your life, like we've been through seasons. I mean, we've been married for 26 years where it's like, man, I'm helping you a whole lot more than you're helping me. And that might not be the case. You know what I'm saying? That's just like let's just say in my mind, right? It feels like maybe I'm caring for you as you overcome a sickness, or I am doing more stuff with the kids, or I'm taking care of the house, or or even if I have a stroke a a bigger capacity and I honestly can just handle more things than you. I think there can be a subconscious part in a guy's mind, like, man, I just need some help. And she ain't helping me at all. You know, and that's usually not the case. You are helping me. Having a conversation where we can work that out.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Because typically, if I feel like that, it's not true. Right. And that's why these family meetings are so important. Because the last family meeting we had, and I said, Sweetheart, I feel like you're not helping me. And you're like, Well, it's almost like you didn't even know. You was like, Well, I'm doing this and I'm doing this, I'm doing that. But I'm like, Well, I don't really need help over there. I need help over here. And you're like, Okay, well, let me come help you over here. Yeah. And at the same time, I'm not trying to be like this. I need help. I need help. Because no, I I can help myself. I got a team around me, I got assistance, I got a staff, but there ain't nothing like when a when a wife helps her man. And I don't know if I'm speaking to anybody, but I'm speaking for me right now. It ain't nothing like, like, if you help me, I feel like I can take over the world.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

If you help me, I feel like it don't matter what I'm up against, I feel like I'm good. If I feel like I'm not supported well at home or like you're so busy and I'm so busy, that's when we've always had problems.

Seasons, Capacity, And Grace To Pivot

Tabatha Claytor

Right. And we, and I've always been the one to say, okay, we can't run it like we can't run at the same pace, both professionally. I don't know if that makes sense. But if you have a thousand things to do in your day in your day, and there's a lot of pressure with you in your world, it's hard for me to be like, yeah, well, I'm just like you. I got a thousand things to do in my day. I need somebody to come and help me. That doesn't work well for us as a family structure and as a family unit. That doesn't work well. It's me, and I gladly do so because I feel like my role as a wife is to support you. And so if my career interferes with my role as a wife to support you, I gladly lay down my career. And I've not, thankfully, I've never had to lay down my career. I just couldn't do it maybe as much. Or maybe I so for example, what I've done right now is I'm not taking speaking engagements. Um, I just said, hey, for the rest of this year or until a certain point, I'm not gonna take speaking engagements outside of a live church because that's something that is just like, well, I'm going here and there and traveling all around. You're going here and there and traveling all around. Who's taking care of the kids? Who's taking care of the house? Yeah, like uh, no, we can't do that. And I don't like it. I'm that hands-on mom. I'm not hands-on wife. I like to make you a sandwich whenever you want it. That never bothers me. Come on. I like that that's it. That's what I like to do. I like to be here when my kids get home from school to have a fresh made, homemade dinner. That's me. That's what I like to do. And so anything that interferes with me doing that, okay, I'm doing too much out there. Let me calm that down it so that to whatever level it takes. I might have been doing it at a 10. If I have to take it down to a six or even a three or a two or a one, I will do it so that my house is intact.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. The principles that I hope people hear is I don't want you to copy and paste how we do things in our home. But I think the principle to teach is sit down and y'all need to talk to each other and say, what do I need as a wife and what do I need as a husband in this season?

SPEAKER_04

Right.

Ken Claytor

And it's not saying that the season got to be a forever season because your season might change, but you need to say, how can we flow as a team?

SPEAKER_04

Yes.

Ken Claytor

That's the one thing that we've always done pretty well, is that we get on team clayter. It's not like, well, I need this and I need that, and I'm not being fulfilled, and I want to go back to school. I I it's us. And so when the two became one, we're one. Right. So how can team Clater best survive this season? And we'll sit down and we'll talk about it. Now, on the other side of things, because I believe in you, I'm always the one that I take the things you want to do. Like you really wanted to write books, and you really wanted you had this thing about crusades that you felt like God put in your heart. I take those things probably too serious because I'm always like, I don't ever want to be a lid to what's in your heart and what you feel like God's called you to do. So I am more of the person kind of pushing you, like, okay, go do that. I always want to help give birth to your dreams. But at the same time, if I push you outside of the order that's good for our family and our season, then neither one of us are gonna have success and our kids are gonna suffer. That's why so much communication is needed. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Tabatha Claytor

And there's a time and place for everything, you know. Like I do want to write books. Um, however, I have two kids that one, you know, one in college and we have two still in high school. Um, it's hard for me to take the time to do that. And I can try and discipline myself and do all of this stuff, but something else is ha has to give at this moment. When they graduate high school, I will have more time to write a book if I want to. If I want to grow on go on crusades and do things, I will have more time, you know, after the after I'm out of this mothering season of my life, if that's what I still want to do.

Ken Claytor

So, so life, I think some people get so frustrated because they think that success is like up to the right, or it's like this clean lines. But for us, it's been like the messy middle and it's been like like motions. It's not been up to the right. It's kind of been like, let us just figure it out. What will your advice be to another woman who just feels like she's never able to get anything done? She never cares for herself. She feels like a failure in her marriage, she feels like a failure with her kid because she's just she's working and she's trying to juggle business life and home life all at the same time. What would your advice be to her?

From So-So To Strong: Own Your Part

Tabatha Claytor

I would say that she's probably trying to do too much. Right. And you got to take everything, get, get God first. You have to then take care of yourself. Um, you take care of your husband, you take care of your kids. In that order almost and your job. Like you got five priorities here. Right. You know what I mean? So God first, you put in church. You you you gotta feed yourself. You you you know, you, your husband, your family, everyone needs to be in church in a community where you have people who support you. Your kids have other friends who are believers, all of that stuff. You need to give, you need to give back. Um, but then yourself. So if you're not taking care of yourself, nobody else is going to be. If you go down, the whole family's going down. And so that's one thing being a cancer um survivor, I will take care of myself. I recently started just sleeping in in the days because I'm going through menopause now. And so I had been having trouble sleeping. And so I like to wake up early in the morning, have breakfast ready for the kids, all of that. For the last couple of weeks, I haven't been doing that because I said I got to put myself first and I have to get these extra, these hours of sleep. And so far, it's been coming in the morning when it, you know, and I'm like, okay, well, that's when I'm gonna sleep. So what happens? My kids make their own breakfast, they grab a yogurt, they grab a granola bar, um, you make your own breakfast, and it's all good. So everybody's gonna pitch in for that time. What did I do? I just put myself first, but I equipped my family to be able to take care of themselves. Um, and so you you have your top five priority and just stick with it. Everything else, let it go.

Ken Claytor

What do you say about the person who's like um they're they're just getting older and their life is changing? Because I've heard you say out of your own mouth, man, when I was younger, I could do all of these things. But now that I'm like um in menopause and I'm like just I'm not sleeping well and I'm overcoming things I don't even have the brain space to do. I just had a conversation with somebody else who was like, uh she was probably about 47, and she was like, Man, I I miss this kingdom this kingdom builders event you guys had because I just couldn't get the energy, and I'm just trying to figure out what's going on in my body right now. And I just feel like there's a lot of people there that as they get older, they don't even know how to pivot. But you might not be able to run the pace that you used to run, right? But you can still run the race well. I don't know. Anything come to mind that could help?

Tabatha Claytor

Um, yeah, and and I I everything that you just said, that those are some things that I've been feeling and going through. And I think um the Lord gave gave me this word actually a couple years ago, and it was slow down. Just slow down. Um, because I don't have to run as fast as what I used to do. And I think that even as we grow in our older years, um, so um I'm you know I'm in my 50s now. Um, so that's weird to say. Yeah, you're beautiful in 50.

Ken Claytor

You just turned 50. Yeah, that's weird. Happy birthday, by the way. Happy birthday.

Eight Keys To Beat An Okay Marriage

Tabatha Claytor

Um, but what I found is that, you know, I have uh I still have grace. And I just have to go to God to say, God, what do I have grace for in this time? It's not the same grace that I had in my 40s or my 30s or my 20s. Each decade, um, I had a different grace. Yeah. And so here, okay, no, I can't run as fast as what I used to, but I have wisdom. You do that, I mean, I have wisdom to be able, I can see, I don't have to run that fast because I can sit here and I can see somebody else running the pace that I used to and be like, I already don't know the answer, honey. You know, like I already been there, done that. I know what you're about to do. That's true. And so I don't feel like I've lost out on anything because I'm not running as fast because now I have experience. Now I have wisdom and I have a different grace that I'm tapping into. Okay. And so this walk of with God is a continual faith walk.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

But we're always growing and we all we're never going to arrive where we don't need to trust in God.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

And so now I might not have had the time to study, you know. Know for um seven hours to preach a message the way that I used to. Maybe I only had five hours, but the other two hours, I got like 10 extra hours just through wisdom, just through experience, you know, and through walking with God that I bring to the platform with me. And it's anointed and it's blessed every time.

Ken Claytor

Oh, that's so good. That's so good.

Tabatha Claytor

We have to change our perspective now.

Ken Claytor

Uh you know, I I think I have maybe seven or eight points of things that people can do to not have an okay marriage that I kind of want to go through in just a moment. But I wanted to just out of your spirit, you know, out of your spirit, if you were to say there's somebody who's watching or listening and they're in a place where they feel like their relationship is so-so, um, or even when our relationship was so-so, just out of your heart, what would you say to that person to not have a marriage that's okay, but have one they feel good about?

Tabatha Claytor

I would say the so-so starts from inside of you. Um, and so if if I'm in my marriage, in our marriage, and I feel like, oh, it's so-so, uh, first of all, I'm not putting that on you.

SPEAKER_02

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor

You know, you might think it's okay. You might agree with me, but I'm going to take responsibility for my feeling so-so. And first I'm going to go to God, and then I'm going to communicate that to you. Hey, I feel like our marriage is so-so because we don't do this like we used to. Or I feel like we just came to a place where we're not exciting anymore. And so, and then I'm going to bring some answers to you. Perhaps we could do this, go out on date night.

Ken Claytor

And my response to that is not going to be like, oh, it's it's good. You know what I'm saying? I don't know what you're talking about. It's good. So if you say it's so-so, I want to ask, what do you mean by that? And why do you feel like it's so-so? So even if I feel like it's great, it doesn't matter what I feel like. If you feel like it's so-so, now I have to ask probing questions. Why do you feel like that? What part can I play? What part can you play? What can we do so that you don't feel that way? That's good. And I think it's very important because if not, you'll just go back and forth of who you think is right. But anything you bring to me, I'm always asking myself, what part can I play to help it get better? Right.

Tabatha Claytor

And um, so yeah, I I what I wanted to say about that is just taking the ownership myself because I think it's twofold. Number one, I don't want to dump it on you. I don't want to, like you just said, accuse you like, hey, I think our marriage isn't great and you know, you're the reason, or and this is why, boom, now I dumped all of this on you and you don't know what to do with it. I want to say, hey, I think it's not well, uh, I think it's not good, and here's why, so that we can communicate. And number two, um, a lot of times we feel like our marriage isn't good because we're just not happy with ourselves and we're not okay with us. So sometimes it's an internal thing that we need to fix, like, do you love yourself? Yeah, do you like yourself? And that's something that only we can do, not our spouse.

Ken Claytor

I would say that that's a big lion's share of it. I think many times we project upon the closest person to us the inconsistencies we have in ourselves. So I feel bad about me, but I want to blame you. Or I don't like me, so I want to blame you. I don't like where I am, so I want to blame you. And I think that the blame shifting and the projection upon our spouse is very damaging. And so um, I don't know if you were to ask me and you said, well, what do what out of my heart, what would I think a person needs to do to not have an okay marriage? It would be more like um, do you have a clear vision of what it's like to have a good marriage or to get out of the okay zone? What steps need to take to there to get there? Um, what trauma have you not resolved that's preventing you getting there? For example, there's a couple that comes to mind, and the wife just had just stuff. It was how she was raised. It was stuff about her father and just stuff that she had to go through. Yeah. And she has a very good husband, a very good man. She just couldn't see him that way. She was bored, she was tired, she would she'd rather to be by herself. It had nothing to do with him. It had to do with her perspectives that she hadn't dug deep to be healed of the past trauma and triggers that she had. So I think being in an okay marriage is an invitation for you to grow you. It's definitely not an invitation for you to go and try to make your spouse be something like that person can make you happy.

SPEAKER_04

Right.

Ken Claytor

You know, so you're gonna have a big part that you work on, they're gonna have a part to work on, and you're not responsible for them, and they're not responsible for you. You're only responsible for yourself and the part you play. Right. And through communication and both people humbling themselves and leaning in and saying, okay, what do we got to do? Is it better now? I mean, you can find fire, you can find passion, you can find being best friends again, you can get all of that. Absolutely. I don't know. That's what comes to my mind.

Tabatha Claytor

What you're saying is great because now I can't ever expect you to change. So when I said yes to you, I said yes to you. Now, hopefully you're going to change because you're going to grow with God and you're going to become more perfected year after year. But my position as your wife is that if you never change, I'm going to love you, I'm going to adapt, um, I'm going to find something inside of me, the grace that God's given me to be your wife, to be happy. And I think our marriage can be better even if you didn't change.

Ken Claytor

And if you don't never change, I'm going to lead you and I'm going to love you like Christ loved the church. Because my responsibility as the leader of this union is to set the right spiritual temperature, to help create an atmosphere where you hung hunger for more, to help create something to where you do find me attractive, um, to where we do grow together. Right. That's what I do as a leader. So um, I don't know. I would say before we get into the things that I've written down, I would also say you gotta want change and desire for things to be better than okay. So if you are a couple that's like, we good, well then stay good, then you know what I'm saying? Like, whatever, this ain't for you. But you have to first say okay's not okay. I didn't get married for us to have an okay, nonchalant relationship. It ain't gotta be perfect, but it should be growing, you know, and we can do specific things to have this lifetime of adventure together. And um so I want to share these things. Here's some keys to prevent the okay marriage. Number one is to build a shared vision together and put it on paper, a shared vision together. Um, why do couples drift apart? Uh they don't have a a um a unified North Star, so to say. Um, you can write a one-page uh or one paragraph marriage mission mission. Why do we exist? The claiters are this. Add three core values with it, you know, Christ first, honor, fun, something like that. Uh choose one verse to be like the verse of your home. Almost make your own, just like the church has a mission and a vision statement and a clear vision. And I do a vision Sunday every year. Yeah. You should almost, man of God, lead your home that way, where your house has a vision and a mission statement. And there is a where you bring the troops together and you say this is where we're going as a family this year. Come on, somebody.

Tabatha Claytor

And the family is a place that, you know, that something that we're happy to be a part of. We're proud, you know. I hate to use the word proud, but like in a godly way. In a godly way, like to be proud to be a part of. I don't know. Yeah, it feels like it. Don't we use that word? Yeah, yeah. Um, but uh something like that. You know, I remember now, I forgot about this, but you just reminded me. We went to Italy for our 25th wedding vet anniversary, and we went to the museums and we saw a lot of art, and we learned that um families um would have family crests, and these were symbols that they would have outside of their home and in different paintings to say that they are the ones like so. When I saw a painting and I saw this one crest, that would say, Oh, the Klater family paid for this painting. And it was just prestige and all of that stuff. But I thought to myself, oh, I want a family crest. And I was like, let me go home and draw something that represents maybe a crown, a cross, you know, something like that. But it's just something to, it's like a team has a jersey. You know what I mean? Something that you can gather around and be like, hey, this is who we are. We're the claiters and we love life, we love God, yeah, you know, and just something to have fun with.

Ken Claytor

I love it, man. Don't yeah, run your run your family like an a team or an organization. Number two is win the day in 10 minutes, like daily rituals, um, small daily deposits, um, be big occasional gestures. So do things like what's the high and low of today? Um, like affection, like a 20-second hug or a 30-second kiss. Yeah. Um, doing specific things like that. They actually move your marriage out of the okay zone. Number three would be fight fair with a written playbook. Um, why is that? Because conflict isn't the problem. Unsafe conflict is. Uh do this like this seven rules in conflict. No interrupting, no name calling or threats, use I statements, timeouts at 80-20, heart rate spike, stay on one issue, repair before you sleep if possible, end with next action and prayer, and uh put these rules on your phone notes. Um, and so you can do little things like that to make sure that when you have a disagreement, it don't turn out to this week-long sleeping in different rooms stuff, which is so toxic.

Tabatha Claytor

Right. Yeah, I I I feel like it's in marriage, it's the same rule that we use to everyone else. Don't treat someone else the way that you wouldn't want to be treated. Right. So, you know, do as unto others, do as unto your spouse the way you want your spouse to do unto you.

Ken Claytor

Yeah, yeah. I love it. Number four will be intimacy on purpose, and this one is huge because a lot of people are in the okay zone because they're just not intimate like they need to be.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And so intimacy on purpose is spiritual, emotional, and also physical. Great marriages nurture all three. And so spiritual might be praying together, emotional might be dating each other weekly. You would be amazed of how many married couples I ask about having a date night, and they still don't have date nights. Um, physical would be agree on a rhythm for sex together and intimacy. You know, agree. Like, is this a two, are we a two-time a week couple, a three-time a week couple, a one-time a week couple? For what does this look like for us? And then have some things that's like, okay, this is a night that this one's built into the schedule. Then we have some organic nights that may be if kind of nights as well. But I'm seeing I've talked to couples that, man, they're not having sex with each other once a month, once every other month, because it's not baked in as a priority. And um, a marriage without sex just becomes roommates after a while.

Tabatha Claytor

I think that sex in marriage is like love. It covers a multitude of sins. So we can be, I mean, if you have a healthy sex life, you can, I mean, peep that we just don't get on each other's nerves. We just let stuff go. I mean, it doesn't really matter. I mean, it's just yeah, it's all good.

Guardrails, Maturity, And Healing

Ken Claytor

It's it's it's so important. Uh number four would be um uh uh number four was that. Number five would be money as a team sport. Um why? Because unity with money lowers anxiety and raises trust. Um you can do like a 10-minute Sunday huddle where you review accounts, plan big expenses, pick one generosity move, celebrate one win. Um use shared visibility, yeah. Like budget apps, read only logins, stuff like that.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Um work on like one financial goal per month and you both lock into it. You know, money's one of those things that people get divorced because of. Yeah. You gotta master your money together as a couple.

Tabatha Claytor

Absolutely. Together, not separately together.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. We don't have my money and your money, we have our money. Right. And that's important. Okay. Number six will be radical honesty and the trust bank. Um, why? Because trust is a track record. Um, so here's something you can do default to transparency, phones, calendars, passwords. You know, I don't have any device that you can't have the password to. Own mistakes fast, repair thoroughly, confess, empathize, ask, plan. Um, have one accountability question. You ask each other weekly, um, anything we need to bring to the light. I don't know. Trust. Without trust, intimacy is hard.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Like trust is like the fuel. Now, there's been things that people have done in the relationships where you build trust. Trust is funny because you can lose it overnight. Then you gotta build it with consistency over time.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

But man and women of God, you gotta be willing to pull build back those bricks of trust.

SPEAKER_04

Right.

Ken Claytor

Brick upon brick, brick upon brick. Because every brick that you lay, your relationship is getting better.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And it doesn't matter how long it takes, build the trust back.

unknown

Wow.

Ken Claytor

Build the trust back. And number seven is guardrails that protect us. Why? Because great marriages are protected on purpose, not by accident. And so pick three guardrails phones out of the bedroom, no private venting about spouse, boundaries with the opposite sex, friends, work trips, in-law expectations clarified, work hours capped, Sabbath windows together. You know, look at the guardrails that protect us. You know, you'll have guardrails for your kids, you have guardrails for your work, guardrails for what you eat, your meal prepping and everything, but you need guardrails for your marriage.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah, and I think you need guardrails on your mouth. I think because, you know, sometimes you just want you can't say it's not okay to just say whatever you feel. It's not okay to just say, to bring up stuff from the past that we should have moved on from here, but we're bringing up stuff again. That is not okay.

Ken Claytor

Well, the reason they're saying it, because that's what's in their heart, though.

Tabatha Claytor

You gotta deal with that. You have to deal with that.

Ken Claytor

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Um, you know, it's just it's like flag on the play. It's it's it's not fair.

Ken Claytor

Man, there's just too many people haven't dealt with stuff though. That's the problem. Like the reason that, okay, we've been married 26 years, the first two years we were headed for divorce. I had a plan to divorce you. And for the last 24 years, we have had our ups and downs, but it's always been. It's never been like anything ready to leave, not even close.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Why? We dealt with us.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

I just don't understand. You come to Jesus, you have the power of God, you can have counsel, you can have what you can have all of these things, but you still ain't dealt with you. And I don't know, I just hope that somebody hears that you got to deal with your rejection and your abandonment and your addictive personality and your pornography addiction and the wrong people that you love to hang out with. You got to deal with your triggers. And while you leave out of the house and you feel like the only way to have fun is with the boys, with a beer. Why is that? When are you when is that little boy gonna grow up on the inside of you?

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And because marriage is not for the immature, marriage is for men and women. It's for mature people, it's not for boys and girls. And there's too many little boys marrying little girls and they have big old fights because people aren't mature.

Tabatha Claytor

And that's the test. How do you know if you need to deal with you? How do you know if maybe you need counseling or you need to go to the Lord and really handle some business? It's if when things get heated and the same stuff keeps coming out of your mouth, if negative stuff comes out of your mouth, it's out of the heart flows the issues of life. And so if it's in there, it's gonna come out. And if you got stuff keep you that keeps coming out, you need to deal with that. And some people will say, Oh, well, if they didn't say this and they didn't say that, if they didn't push my buttons, if you have buttons to push, right? You got to deal with it.

Keep The Spark: Novelty And Friendship

Ken Claytor

Yeah, yeah. I'll give you one more. This is number eight. And eight is the number of new beginnings. And our prayer is that there's gonna be a new beginning for those of you all who are here. Come on, this is the beginning of a new year. We need a new you and a new year, a new marriage. Come on, keep it joyful and growing. Okay. If you want to get your marriage out of being okay, uh, novelty plus growth equals a long-term spark. Do this monthly adventures. Try one new thing: class, hike, cook, a new cuisine, day trip. Yeah, work at being best friends. I always say you want to marry your best friend. But let's say you married someone and that friendship's not there. It's not too late. Stop doing stuff separately so much. He got his golfing buddies and you got your cooking girls. Okay, why don't you do what he likes and you do what she likes? Or better yet, you do something together that you both are novices at. Like you learn to fish together. Oh no, I can't stand fishing. No, learn to fish together. Learn to do something you don't like. You don't like basketball. Learn basketball. What is he gonna do? Always got to watch it by himself or with his friends? No, it's okay that you learn basketball. She likes to what what what would a woman like to do? She likes to shop. Go shopping with her. Don't make her go by herself all of the time. What I'm saying is that like is the first step back into love.

SPEAKER_04

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And sometimes we just we don't really fall out of love. We fell out of like.

Tabatha Claytor

We forgot how to date one another. Dating doesn't start with marriage. Yeah, it doesn't stop with marriage. And so I remember like when you're dating, like when we were dating, um, I would pack a picnic and I'd tell you to meet me at the park. And I I'm sure you don't enjoy going to the park and having a picnic. You know what I mean? Like I actually did. Yeah, I actually did. Well, did you ever do it before you met me? Uh probably not. But you were willing to do like, okay, whatever she says, you know, because you wanted to get to know me. And so you just did what I asked you to do, and it turned out to be good. I made you fried chicken in a basket. I mean, it was wonderful.

Ken Claytor

If you ever made me fried chicken, we're going wherever you want to go.

Tabatha Claytor

I know, I could do anything just to make you fried.

Ken Claytor

Matter of fact, this podcast is over, so we can go have a picnic in the park.

Tabatha Claytor

Is that a um hint? Anyway, so what I was saying was so yeah, and there are things like, you know, I didn't like basketball. I didn't know anything about basketball, but I would sit down and watch it with you because I liked you and you told me about it and would enjoy talking to me. We'd enjoy the interaction. So it's like we have to date each other continually.

Closing, Resources, And Invitation

Ken Claytor

Yeah. I think that the longer you're married, there's a temptation to just have separate lives and be like, oh, here she goes with that, or oh, he goes with that. Okay, you go out, you go out with your friends, and um, I want always to be your best friend and I want you to be mine. Okay. Well, we're out of time for today. I hope you guys enjoyed um today's podcast. Um, if you're new to our show, please make sure that you hit the subscribe button so that you can be the first to get the content whenever it comes available. We release a new episode every Thursday, and this is what we believe caring is sharing, and sharing is caring. And if you know other married people that has an okay relationship, or better yet, they got a good relationship, but they don't want it to be okay, make sure you share this episode with them. Also, if you're looking for a place to worship, you can worship with us online. If you don't have a church home right now, you're in between church homes right now, you're just you just don't know what to do. Come worship with us, man. We got worship. Um, we also have the word live. We got community online every Sunday at 9 45 Eastern Standard Time. You can um bounce over to the Alive Church YouTube page, and there'll be some instructions in the show notes below about that. Also, um, if you want to uh ever come to Florida, we are in Orlando. Come worship with us at a live church, Orlando. Sometimes people come to see Mickey Mouse, but at the same time they stop by a live church to have an encounter with God. We got a lot of products that we feel like will bring value to your life. Marriage devotionals, we have a marriage book called Butterfly Love. You got to get a copy of it, I think. Um, you'll learn a lot through our drama and through our story. You'll at least learn what not to do and some of what to do in a modern day love story. And you can find that all on our website. And so we look forward to seeing you on next Thursday. We love you. Keep walking by faith, not by sight. We'll see you soon. Peace.

Contributor

Ken Claytor

Host
Head Shot

Tabatha Claytor

Host