Stop Wasting Your 20’s | 5 Dating Rules We Wish We Knew

Dating does not have to be confusing, exhausting, or expensive. We’re pulling back the curtain on five practical rules that protect your heart, save your time, and set you up for a marriage that can actually thrive. From defining non‑negotiables to reading red flags without second‑guessing yourself, we walk through the mindsets and habits that turn your twenties into a launchpad instead of a landfill.

We start by reframing the goal: Christlikeness over a wedding date. Contentment beats comparison, and wholeness beats hurried timelines. Then we get specific. Date on purpose using a 90‑day clarity window. Ask better questions about faith, direction, and character. Choose character over chemistry by testing for humility, forgiveness, and submission to godly authority. Pace the relationship with clear boundaries—public early dates, digital guardrails, and honest conversations about sex, soul ties, and healing. We also tackle love bombing, why it feels so real at first, and how accountability reveals the truth before it’s too late.

Money matters too. Check the credit, not just the chemistry, and bring debt, spending, tithing, and budgeting into the light so you can build trust instead of resentment. Finally, don’t date alone. Isolation creates illusion; community brings clarity. Invite a married mentor and a wise peer, worship together, and let your circle call green, yellow, or red flags. Healthy relationships can handle scrutiny because they are built on truth.

If this helped you rethink your standards or reset your pace, share it with a friend who needs clarity, subscribe for new episodes every Thursday at 3 p.m., and leave a review to tell us your biggest takeaway. Your future self will thank you.

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Transcript

Why Content Singles Win

Ken Claytor 0:00

I believe there is a special grace for people that just want to be single, but I don't believe it's for everybody. I believe most people probably want to be with somebody, and that's okay, and God knows that. But I don't believe if you make that like um an idol, I believe it delays becoming. And I also believe that God won't bring a relationship into your life that you're gonna end up messing them up and messing up yourself as well. Right. So many times when singles are like, well, I ain't got nobody, I ain't got nobody. Well, you gotta look at maybe God's waiting on you to grow something. That's not a bad thing, that's actually a good thing. Because you would rather be single and satisfied than married and miserable. Hey, what's up, everybody?

Tabatha Claytor 0:40

Hey everyone.

Stop Wasting Your Twenties

Ken Claytor 0:40

Welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. So happy to have you joining us for another episode. We got a great one for you today. Um, I want to talk with you about stop wasting your 20s, five dating rules that we wish that we knew. And I think that you can waste your 20s, you can waste your 30s, you can waste your 40s, you can waste your whole life. And I don't believe our life is something that God wanted us to waste. And so I don't know, what does that the title mean to you, sweetheart?

Love Is Not Enough For Marriage

Tabatha Claytor 1:08

Um, I think it's good. If anyone, if you're in your 20s, this is something that you want to listen to. I love to learn from other people and other people's mistakes. Um, I don't want to make those same mistakes on my own.

Ken Claytor 1:19

Well, here's the deal, everybody. We've been married for 26 years, okay? I'm always joking, say it's been the best 24 years of our lives. The first two years was horrible. Um, I had a plan to divorce. Um, Tabitha, I was told my dad about it. I told family members about it. I thought I made a mistake, I thought I got married too young. Um, but thankfully, God got hold of my heart. He got hold of your heart. And when he transformed our heart, he turned us back towards one another. And today we're best friends. And I always tell people this the best time to work on your marriage is before you get married. And so our our podcast is first and foremost a marriage podcast and a relationship podcast. But it's not just for married people, it's for all people who want to grow. You know, um, those of you all who are single and you ever want to be married one day, the best time to work on your marriage is actually right now by you working on you.

SPEAKER_03 2:07

Oh, yeah.

Ken Claytor 2:08

So today is specifically for singles. I want you to share today's episode with other people that are single, they're not married yet. And uh, we want to help you grow to be everything God's called you to be. And so here's my question for you. Um people, you know, the divorce rate is probably like 50% inside the church, outside the church. And people are not getting divorced necessarily because they don't love each other. Um, but good marriages take more than love. Okay. Um, it takes more than love to have a great marriage. Would you say that's true? Yes. What comes to you when I say that?

Tabatha Claytor 2:43

Um, I'm I'm big into like. Um, I think that we have to like each other. I think a lot of people get married because maybe they do love each other, but they get married off of like a sexual relationship, infatuation. Like we we have um we like the way we kind of make each other feel. Um and so, but we have not become friends and we do not like each other because we don't even know what each other likes. We don't even really know each other like that. We just have a sexual relationship. And I think that sexual relationship can be very powerful. I mean, there's that there's soul ties in that relationship, uh, but you don't get married based on that.

Christlikeness Over Marriage As The Goal

Ken Claytor 3:26

Or for the marriage to last and for the marriage to be good. Yes. And actually, we've seen those things like soul ties and the sexual part of relationship and the attraction and the spark actually last for 10 years before people get divorced, or 15 years before get people get divorced. But they still didn't have something in the beginning that they needed for the long term of the relationship. And so I don't know, to me, like especially if you're dating or you're engaged, that season is a holy season. It's before you say I do, you should say do I. And I think too many times we like rush into that season because I think that we've almost made it like that's the goal. Marriage is the goal. And to me, Christ's likeness is the goal. Yes. You know, Jesus was single, Paul was single, and so marriage is not a goal. You can actually be satisfied and fulfilled as a single, and that's the best way to get married when you have two holes that come together, not two halves to come together, like I need somebody else to complete me. No, I want to come into this relationship, completed by Jesus. Yeah, completed by Jesus, like as a complete person. But if you were to ask, like me looking back on who we were before we got married, we probably shouldn't have been married. Now we got married because of the grace of God, and I felt that's that's what God led us to do. And I thank God for our 26-year-plus journey that we've had. Yes. But honestly, I wasn't in the mindset to know how to be a husband, and you probably didn't know how to be a wife. Right. And we had so much immaturity and strongholds and different things, and it was only by the grace of God that our marriage made it to what it is today. So if I was to give like somebody who's not married any piece of advice, I would be like the the before you meet somebody season is the most important season to get healed from your trauma, to deal with your drama, you know, to deal with your your hurts, your habits, and your hangups, to have the mind of Christ, to have a heart that's transformed, because marriage is a magnifier. It will magnify your inconsistencies. Because when you're single, you just gotta worry about you. But when you put somebody else in that thing, I'm talking about that marriage will magnify your selfishness. It will magnify your insecurities, it will magnify your rejection. And if you ain't healed from that, it won't even come out till you are married. Because there is a warfare that is released towards you when you say I do. Wow. Because Satan hates the marriage union that much. So our what we're trying to do is just get you equipped. Not saying that you have to be married, but if you are ever want to be married, okay, we want to get you ready. And so this is not really just about wasting your 20s. I think 20s is that age group where the percentage is a little bit more higher of someone might not be in a relationship, but it can apply to your 30s or your 40s.

The Myth Of “Sow Your Wild Oats”

Tabatha Claytor 6:06

Well, it's it's society, it's how we live today. People don't look to maybe settle down and be serious maybe till they're 30 because they think, well, I'm young, I'm 20 something, and I'm just gonna go and do what I want to do. And, you know, that's not that's not how God wants us to live our lives. He wants us to be holy before we're married and after we're married. And so I think there's a mindset that suggests, oh, in my 20s, I'm gonna just go party, I'm going to be about, you know, business, I'm going to, you know, build wealth or or just do something, you know what I mean, other than um find the person that you're gonna be with for the rest of your life.

Ken Claytor 6:41

Well, there's two things with that. Number one is that Satan wants to kill you in your 20s. And Satan wants to kill you in your teens. It's not like you have a devil that's gonna wait. He's not playing fair. Right. He's trying to kill you in the womb all the way to the tomb. And I remember when I was growing up, there was this sentiment. I actually heard had somebody in church tell me, yeah, old school church back back in the day, they said, Well, just, you know, you're young, just almost like go sow your wild oats when you go to college. You know, kind of like go get it out out of your system. Almost like get all the sin out of your system. Yeah, it's almost like, let's just do what you want to do now, and then as you get older, you can live for God.

SPEAKER_03 7:17

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 7:18

But honestly, out of my um, I have four roommates, I think, other than you. Let me see. Let me count them real quickly. Okay, let me just go through them. My one first roommate that was a freshman, um, he ended up um uh committing suicide. Okay, my my sophomore year. My my um my other roommate, I don't know what happened to him. My my my third roommate, he ended up converting over to um being a Muslim and then got into drugs and kind of got labeled with schizophrenic stuff and and and just had some real mental battles. And my other roommate was selling drugs out of our apartment, and then after I left college, I heard that he got arrested and locked up, and I'm not sure what happened to his story. So, out of four of the people that I live with in college, um other than you when we got married, three of the four, it wasn't just let's just sell my wild oats. You got one dude that's dead, one dude that's locked up, one dude that's schizophrenic, and one dude I don't know where he is, I'm sure he's okay. But uh so I want young people to know that you don't want to wait to serve God when you get later on after you have strongholds, curses, and soul ties. Shoot, if you can live for God when you're 12, if you can live for God for when you're five, if you can live for God all your life, I think there's great benefits in that. We actually just had that conversation with our kids not too long ago because um one of our kids was like, Well, I'm not gonna have a testimony, almost like they gotta go through something and then come back to God. And we're like, No, your testimony is that you never had to get involved in that nonsense that we did.

Tabatha Claytor 8:44

Right. And that's powerful. Yeah, you teach us how did you stay pure? Yeah, how did you have a clean heart? How did you, you know, uh go to church and and and manage all of that?

Ken Claytor 8:55

Yeah, how did you get married as a virgin? Yeah, how did you not fall into the temptation? How did you not watch pornography? That's your testimony. Right. Not that I got set free from it. But anyway, but anyway, we're calling today um the you know, uh how not to waste your twenties. And I I want to focus on the word waste for a moment. Do you feel like you've ever wasted seasons of your life?

Tabatha Claytor 9:14

Probably, yeah.

Ken Claytor 9:16

In which way?

Tabatha Claytor 9:16

Um, I'm sure, you know, when I think about my 20s, um, I almost wasted my 20s. Uh I was 22 years old when I got saved. And so that was early 20s. So I got saved and then I got married when I was 23. And so I don't think at that point, I don't think we wasted it because we we we quickly after, you know, got into the word, found God, and changed our lives around. Um, so I think I wouldn't say that I wasted my 20s, I'll say that I almost did. But there was a whole season between 18 years old and 22 years old that I believe was wasted.

Ken Claytor 9:53

Yeah. In which ways did you waste it?

Tabatha’s Abusive Engagement And Healing

Tabatha Claytor 9:56

Um, it was wasted in that um I wasn't saved. Um I went to college, you know, and I was the first person in my family to go to college. Um, but I went to college and I had just all kinds of brokenness. I was depressed. Um, I was in college, you know, come from alcoholism. I was in college partying, drinking way too much, way too often. Um, I dropped in and out of school, uh, all kinds of things. Like I wasted that opportunity to kind of um, you know, get a great education. And maybe I could have done something more than just kind of struggle in depression and mental disorders and things like that.

Ken Claytor 10:42

What about from the relational standpoint? Do you feel like you wasted that season of your life in wrong relationships?

Tabatha Claytor 10:48

Absolutely. Oh my goodness, you just reminded me. Yes. I mean, you know, I got engaged when I was 16 years old in high school. It's not something that I wanted to do. I actually thought my mom was gonna yell at me and be like, no, you can't be engaged. Um, but she actually was just like, okay. And so then I was engaged from 16 to 20.

Ken Claytor 11:07

So what does that mean you didn't want to be engaged, but was it?

Tabatha Claytor 11:09

I thought um, I was very much not the person that I am today.

Ken Claytor 11:14

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor 11:14

I was under control. So I was in an abusive relationship. And so the the my boyfriend was just like, um, tell me what to do, you know. So I wouldn't tell him. If he wanted to marry me, I wasn't gonna say no. Okay. Because I was too afraid of what he would do or say to me. Okay. And so if he asked me to marry him, I I had to say yes. Like I I I felt like that was being loyal, that was being faithful, and all that stuff. You say yes. But in my mind, I was like, No, I'm way too young to get engaged. This is crazy.

Ken Claytor 11:42

And why would he ask you to marry him at 16?

Tabatha Claytor 11:44

Uh I believe he just wanted me, he he was leap, he was graduating high school and going to college. And I think he just wanted to put a ring on my finger to tell everybody, hey, leave her alone. She's mine. It was just another control game.

Ken Claytor 11:56

Okay. And so tell me more though. So you were in this, you were engaged at 16 and engaged at 16.

Tabatha Claytor 12:04

So I stayed engaged. I went to college and I was in this relationship in college. Now, this was really bad. I mean, it was abusive. It this was, you know, spit in my face, call me every kind of name, pick me up by my neck, um, that kind of relationship. And I tried to leave several times. Um, and actually, I mean, it then I was stalked, you know. Um, they waited for me after class, um, at my door, you know, things at at my house in my apartment. And so I became afraid. I moved in, I left the apartment where I was living by myself and I look moved in with my friends so that I wouldn't be alone. Um, and you know, eventually it stopped and I was able to move on, and you know, he would leave me alone. Um, I talked to one of his friends, actually got him to leave me alone because I kept it all a secret. I didn't tell anyone that what was going on in my life and how he was because he was pretty popular. And I just didn't want to tell anyone. And I told one person and he actually talked to him, and I think he ended it. So the stalking stopped, the abuse stopped, and I was able to get free at that moment. But I was still unsaved.

Ken Claytor 13:08

Um then you went into other bad relationships as well. Yeah. You wasted your time.

Tabatha Claytor 13:12

Wasted my time. Yeah, with people who, you know, didn't like me, um, people who just um and then I wasn't really didn't have relationships after that. I mean, after that, who wants to be in another relationship? Right. Um, but I would like people or have crushes on people who just weren't worthy of my likeness. Yeah, they weren't worthy for me to even look their way, honestly.

Ken Claytor 13:35

If you were to talk to your 20-year-old self now at 50, what would you want to say to the young girl? What would you say to her about dating and about men and about love? What would you want to?

Tabatha Claytor 13:49

Um, I would tell her to first of all, find love in Jesus before you find love in any other man, in any person. Um, you need to find love in Jesus. And uh second, I would say to uh heal yourself, um, find love in Jesus, and then secondly, love yourself because that means that now I'm going to love myself enough to overcome alcoholism, to overcome sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal abuse. I'm gonna go to, I'm gonna do what I need to do to heal my soul. And then thirdly, I would say, um, I don't know, enjoy life and and not be so uh not feel unworthy because you're not in a relationship. Unfulfilled because you're not in a relationship.

Ken Claytor 14:39

I think that's a big thing nowadays, especially with social media. I think that people compare where they are to someone else. And the crazy thing is, as a pastor, I see even married people whose marriages are hanging on by a thread, but they'll post like everything's great.

SPEAKER_04 14:51

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 14:52

And I think, but man, you guys are at each other's neck. And so to me, social media is a a lot of it's uh, I'm not gonna say a lie because people aren't trying to lie, they're just giving you 1% of their life. And for you to compare where you are to where somebody else always learned this years ago, um whenever you compare, you belittle. So if you compare your relationship status to somebody else, either you're gonna belittle them or belittle yourself. You don't need to belittle anybody. Um, I love it when Paul talks about being content. He's like, I've learned to abound and I've learned to be abays, meaning like I've learned to have a lot and I've learned to have a little, and in all things I can be content.

SPEAKER_04 15:29

Wow.

Ken Claytor 15:30

And I think that regardless of your relationship status, contentment is an inside job. Like I'm good with me.

SPEAKER_02 15:35

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 15:35

And if I'm good with me, it's just amazing. I I do feel like God will give you the desires of your heart. You know, it's not good that man be alone. And so if you do desire, I believe there is a special grace for people that just want to be single, but I don't believe it's for everybody. I believe most people probably want to be with somebody, and that's okay, and God knows that. But I don't believe if you make that like um an idol, I believe it delays it coming. And I also believe that God won't bring a relationship into your life that you're gonna end up messing them up and messing up yourself as well. Right. So many times when singles are like, Well, I ain't got nobody, I ain't got nobody. Well, you gotta look at maybe God's waiting on you to grow something. That's not a bad thing, that's actually a good thing. Because you would rather be single and satisfied than married and miserable.

SPEAKER_04 16:17

Right.

Ken Claytor 16:18

There's a lot of married people that I know, they're just miserable because they were unsatisfied as a single, but they ignored where they were and where their spouse was, and they just said, I do. And they think that this thing is gonna be easy, but real marriage takes work.

Tabatha Claytor 16:30

Yeah, that's kind of where we were in the beginning.

Ken Claytor 16:32

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 16:33

I mean, we loved each other. Uh, we thought we were doing the right thing by, you know, hearing from God, and I believe we did, you know, on our level, God will meet you where you are, but um, it was really hard for us. It could have been a lot easier.

Ken Claytor 16:44

Well, it was simple for me. I didn't love God the way that I needed to love God, but I thought I did.

Tabatha Claytor 16:49

Yeah.

Contentment, Comparison, And Social Media

Ken Claytor 16:49

And that's the danger. You can have somebody who actually is a pretty good person, but they just don't love God to where they have allowed the scripture to shape their responses and their mindset. You know what I'm saying? Wow. So, like, um, I mean, if you think about it, back before I was a pretty good person. I was a likable person. Yeah, I wouldn't try to do mean things to people, but could I be faithful to one woman? Could I not mess this up bad? Could I be abusive and mean? You know, all of those things. Like, that's a part of your fallen nature. And the only one that can help you overcome that is the spirit of the living God. It really is. And so, you know, I don't feel like I wasted my 20s because we got married when I was 21. But like you, I had a portion of my life that was wasted. And I wasted it in a lot of bad relationships. And whether it was just um trying to be a player, uh, taking advantage of certain people and situations, being in relationships that I know it wasn't going anywhere, but it was good. You know, she let me drive her car, uh, she cooked food for me, you know. And that's why it's so dangerous to give too much of yourself to a person who doesn't first love God because they can just go along with the advantages that you bring to the relationship. But in the back of their mind, it's a six-month thing and you think it's a lifetime thing. And they ain't said it. I remember being in relationships in high school, I had a girlfriend, and I was thinking, when I get to college, this ain't gonna work. But I ain't gonna say that to her right now because it was a convenient relationship for where we were, you know. And um, you know, before you get upset with me, are you looking at you looking like you have upset?

Tabatha Claytor 18:24

It's crazy though, but what goes through uh as a woman, those types of thoughts never went through my mind. But as a man, it's funny to hear the kind of thoughts that would go through my mind.

Ken Claytor 18:34

I don't know if that's a a man thing, it's a me thing.

Tabatha Claytor 18:37

I don't know. I got a lot of friends and a lot of girlfriends.

Ken Claytor 18:39

Well, it's probably uh uh what I'm saying is I wouldn't want to generalize that.

Tabatha Claytor 18:42

Yeah, yeah.

Ken Claytor 18:43

Like, hey, all men are thinking this.

Tabatha Claytor 18:45

No, not at all. But coming from the mouth of a man.

Ken Claytor 18:50

Yeah. And I mean, you know, uh oh my God, what is that 30 years ago? But at the same time, that man's a boy.

SPEAKER_02 18:58

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 18:58

And that's what boys do. That's what boys do. So it's not like um uh let's just crap on the whole male population. No, he's a boy.

SPEAKER_02 19:05

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 19:05

He's a boy, and that's what boys do. Boys who are led by their flesh. That's why you don't want to date a boy, that's why you don't want to be engaged to a boy, that's why you don't want to marry a boy. When I was a man, I thought like a man, understood like a man, and I put away childish things. So you can't just ignore the childish part of this man because he got a six-pack and a nice job and a BMW. You gotta say, is he a boy? And that's all that that is. Yeah. That's all that it is. That's all that it is. There's some some some women that are girls. You're girls, you're catty, you you you hold grudges, you nag all the time. You're not ready for marriage yet.

Tabatha Claytor 19:39

Boys belong with their mamas, men belong with their wives.

Ken Claytor 19:43

Come on. Well, all a man stand up. So, five dating rules that I I wish that we knew. Um, rule number one is that you should date on purpose. Okay. Now, if you're single, take note to this. Um, date on purpose because dates are interviews for marriage. Now, here's the big idea is don't just date for fun, date to decide. If they're not marriage material, don't waste your time or theirs. And I say this to our kids. You know, we've had sit downs with our kids about dating. And all of them got a different barometer of what they think is okay. And when we sit down with them, I always say, okay, you're in high school. So if you're dating someone, do you feel like they're marriage material? And they'll be like, Well, no, I'm just in high school. All right, well, you probably don't need to date.

SPEAKER_04 20:27

Right.

Marriage Magnifies What You Ignore

Ken Claytor 20:27

Because if you're just dating just to have fun, somebody's gonna get their heart broken. So dating is actually something that you should be doing if it could be a possibility for marriage. So it is an interview. What's your thoughts on that?

Tabatha Claytor 20:41

I mean, I like it. Uh, I think that's true. There are so many people who go through heartbreak after heartbreak. Yeah. I don't think, you know, like even, you know, 14, 15, 16, I mean, young people like each other. And then the boy goes and does something or the girl goes and does something. Now they're heartbroken, they're crying, and we think, oh, well, they're just learning life lessons. No, that's not a lesson that you need to learn. Right. That somebody cheats on you, that somebody doesn't, you know, is mean to you. That's not a lesson that we need to learn learn. I think that we can have friends, you know, and hang out together.

Ken Claytor 21:16

Just as a side note, I mean, we we we tell our kids at 16, if you like somebody, let's have a conversation. Meaning that I want to see where my kid is in their maturity at 16. But if I was to give you what I really believe, and I tell them this as well, I says, you really don't need to date until you're out of high school, at least. You don't really need to date because dating is the setup for interviews. And you're not for um, it's an interview for marriage, and you're not getting married in high school. So why don't you not awaken love before the time? Why don't you just wait until you're at least graduated high school to even consider dating? And I think that that's a very safe thing, but you you you you got to navigate it with young people.

Tabatha Claytor 21:53

That's wise what you just said. That's scripture that she quoted. Don't awaken love before it's time.

Ken Claytor 21:58

These are conversations. You should listen to that with my kids, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, don't awaken love before it's time. So here's some advice to consider define the non-negotiables up front. You know, what are you looking for in a in a sp a person you're dating? Um, faith in Jesus, character, church engagement, I think is very important. Um, use a 90-day, what we call a clarity window to describe whether you should continue this relationship or close. And so over those 90 days, don't be like, oh, I love you. Ooh, ooh. You know, don't get, don't like, I mean, yeah, date and yeah, see if you like this person, but don't like start to intertwine your money and living together and you're doing all this stuff because when you break up, it's gonna feel like a you got a divorce because you're too intertwined too fast. So 90 days is just enough time to kind of interview and say, what is their character like? Do I want to go to the next level with them? Um, even on dates, ask these questions. What's your faith story? Where do you sense God leading you this year? And here's some red flags: someone who dodges purpose questions, mocks convictions, and and and pressures to rust exclusivity. Like, you know, I you gotta be mine. I always look for controlling stuff. Yeah. Always controlling, especially men, controlling men. I try to really uh kind of um snipe them off early, you know.

Tabatha Claytor 23:16

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 23:17

Um anything on that?

Tabatha Claytor 23:20

Um, no, I I um you said something that I I forget now. I forget what it was.

Ken Claytor 23:25

It was about the non-negotiables, faith in Jesus, character, church engagement.

Tabatha Claytor 23:28

That yeah, that's good. But you said something that that made me think of just observing. You said that this is the time to um maybe like interview and things like that. And I think it's also also a time to observe.

SPEAKER_04 23:41

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 23:41

Like just sit back and watch what they do, what they don't do. Sit back and watch how they treat strangers, how they open doors or don't open doors for people, how they treat the waiter, the waitress.

Rule 1: Date On Purpose

Ken Claytor 23:54

On the highest level, if you're part of a church community and it's somebody that you're starting to take an interest in, you've already been observing them. It's not like a stranger that you met out somewhere and it's like you're starting at ground zero. Yeah. And they can straight behind. But if you're in a church community and there's accountability, you probably somebody that you've known for a while, you saw them as an usher, you saw her as a greeter, you saw her handle, you know what I'm saying? That's that's in a perfect world. But 2 Corinthians 6.14 says, be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness, and what communion has light with darkness. And I don't know, that would be a main scripture that I would stand on as a single. Um, I'm not gonna be unequally yoked with unbelievers. And I'm not talking just about people who don't believe in Jesus. I'm talking about you a believer, but you don't want to come to church. You a believer, but you don't tithe. You're a believer, but we got to drag you through growth track. I don't want to do that my whole life.

Tabatha Claytor 24:47

Right.

Ken Claytor 24:47

I want somebody who has a matching passion and a matching fervor. Yeah, yeah. Here's rule number two is character is more important than chemistry. Character is more important than chemistry. Um, attraction matters, but it's not the foundation. Here's the big idea be attracted, yes, but marry character. Chemistry fade, fades, character compounds. Chemistry fades, but character compounds.

Tabatha Claytor 25:12

That's so good. Yeah. Um character is everything. Um character is what says, you know, what's gonna keep someone faithful. Character is somebody keeping their word. Right. Um, character is being able to trust someone because you you know that they're not gonna lie to you.

Ken Claytor 25:29

Right.

Tabatha Claytor 25:30

Character is everything.

Ken Claytor 25:32

So here's some things that I would look for in being equally yoked. I would look for friendship. You said that already. Do I like being around them? I will look for vision. Are we going the same direction? Do we see the future the same way? I would look for humility and also forgiveness. Can they own their wrongs and grow? That's huge. 26 years talking, y'all. The ability for us to forgive quickly, to humble ourselves quickly. Baby, I'm sorry. I was wrong.

SPEAKER_02 25:59

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 26:00

I used the wrong tone. That's huge. Submission. Are they submitted to godly authority? It's huge. If you ever marry somebody and they're like, well, I just I don't want to go in for counseling. I don't want to put my business in the street, red flag. Because you need, you got to see how they submit to authority because when stuff hits the fan, you want to be able to say, okay, is that person going to allow anybody to speak into their life? Are they going to be prideful? Um, are they healed? Like in their heart?

SPEAKER_02 26:26

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 26:26

Are they doing their work to overcome past trauma and sin? Um, so here's some tests. Um, how do they handle pressure? How do they handle truth? How do they handle money? And how do they handle community? Basically, that's what I'm talking about. Um, and you in dating season, you can ask questions like, tell me about a time where you were wrong and made it right. Um You know, and and those questions, it's almost like an interview. It's like a job interview. A date is like a I want to see, should I partner with you? Should I take your last name? Should I have babies with you? Like this is not a light thing, this is a huge thing. Yeah, you know? And so here's a red flag. Um they don't keep their word on small things, like white lies, they're not submitted to authority, etc.

Tabatha Claytor 27:11

Yeah. Yeah. I think this character, everything that you said um is contributes to character. But character is something that like I think I would word it like make sure you respect their character. Like if I can't respect you, your character, well then I'm probably it is this isn't gonna work. Right. You know, like if I can't respect the fact that you you do what you say you're gonna do and um you show up on time, right, and I can trust you and you take care of your own business, I can respect that. If I don't, it's it's not gonna work. Like I don't, I think some women particularly, um, I think men probably do this as well, fall into the trap of they they don't respect this person, like that they take care of themselves. So like if if I meet a man um and he like needs help paying his bills or I gotta refer him for a job, or like it's like he can't take care. Oh man, I can help him do this, and you feel good because you're helping somebody. To me, that's nice for a friend. I'll help you for a friend, but not my man. No, you need to be able to take care of yourself because if you can't take care of yourself, you can't take care of us and our family.

Ken Claytor 28:17

Yeah, it almost starts out cute, like, oh, I'm helping him, but then you get resentful about that. Yeah. 10 years in. It's like, well, I'm carrying the load and he don't do this. Well, he never did that.

Tabatha Claytor 28:27

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 28:27

You married him for his potential.

Tabatha Claytor 28:29

It's not saying that he has to be a millionaire, but it's saying that he has to handle his business.

Ken Claytor 28:34

Definitely. I mean, I wasn't a millionaire when we dated and married. Right. Yeah, but I mean, I did have the principles and some things that God could build on. Right. Um, rule number three would be this pace and boundaries. Go slow to go far. Don't give away too much too fast. Here's the big idea: safe pace plus care clear boundaries protects heart and clarity. And I think sometimes we rush too fast. And then some people go too slow.

Tabatha Claytor 29:01

I was gonna say, how slow is too slow.

Ken Claytor 29:04

You've been dating for 10 years. That's a commitment issue. Uh-huh. That's a red flag. You know, you've been you done have babies with him, been dating for 10, 15 years, he still won't pop a question. There's a problem here. Um, but pacing boundaries is important because I do feel like when I say pace, I'm talking about like, where you just all in so fast, you know, without like a pace.

Tabatha Claytor 29:28

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 29:29

Yeah.

Non‑Negotiables, 90‑Day Clarity Window

Tabatha Claytor 29:29

And some of us, I think, have personalities where you're all in. I know that's my personality. I'm just, you know, I'm all in. But it's nice to have safeguards. Set up safeguards for yourself. Set up accountability partners for yourself that like, if you know this is your weakness, you've picked bad person after bad person after bad person, and every relationship has been terrible. Just don't do it. Don't do it anymore. Get someone, the next person you meet, you go on a double date, you have them over your, you know, you do something with your accountability partner, and they're going to help you not go through the same thing.

Ken Claytor 30:03

Yeah. I think when you have people in your life that have fruit in their life and they can be like the wisdom of the Lord, yeah. You should give them the opportunity to say, is this a red flag, a yellow flag, or a green flag? Green is like, I like them go for it. Yellow is like proceed, you know, proceed with caution. Red is like, ah, nah. You know. And so here's some things to consider. The first three dates should probably be like public daytime, maybe even with others in a group. Um, how about digital boundaries? No sexting, explicit picks, no late-night flirty spirals. Because if you get into that stuff, man, you're not even interviewing well. We're taking we're thinking about boobs and and butt. You know what I'm saying? It's just that's it, you you're already you're already messing up the holiness of the transaction for you to be able to see clearly. Sex is the easy part of the relationship, and that's why God says safe sex for marriage. All right. Now we know there's some married people that are struggling in their sex life. That's another episode for another day. But for the most part, the sex part of the marriage is the easy part of the marriage. Um the harder part of the marriage is the communication, the friendship, the character side of the marriage. And so when God says safe sex for marriage, um it he does it for a reason, you know. And so um I do think you should talk about it beforehand though. Like, it's not like so early, but like you in this relationship, four, five, six months, and starting to talk about love and going towards marriage, um, especially premarital counseling. Y'all need to talk about sex.

SPEAKER_02 31:43

Oh, yeah.

Ken Claytor 31:44

Like, what is your sexual temperature? Do you know what that would be? Um, in a perfect world, you got two people who don't have a lot of experience. We don't live in a perfect world. Most people be able to answer, like, this is how I've been in the past, this is what I expect, this is what I like, this is what I don't like. Um, I I do think like honest, I I almost feel like I should make a list of questions to ask. How often would you think you want to have sex when when we get married? You know what I'm saying? Just see. Are you thinking like once a quarter? Are you like an everyday kind of person? Like, let's have these conversations. What is it about sex that um frightens you? What uh what is it about sex in the past that have hurt you? What experiences have you had that might hinder our relationship in the future? These are great questions.

Tabatha Claytor 32:32

Yeah, I mean, this might be too much, but you know, I'm asking, like, you know, how many partners have you had? You know, like is this too personal? Yeah, you know, for a person once you, I mean, it's it is it's not too personal and premaritable, and premarital, but you want to get to the point where you're having these conversations. I want to know what's your health? Have you ever been diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease? You know, like tell me what am I working with here, you know, because these things are very real, they're very real issues. And you can get, you know, be head over heels for someone in love with someone and you know, about to say, I do, but then you find out something that's like, whoa.

Ken Claytor 33:11

Because if you really love each other, you can walk with each other, but you need to break the soul ties.

Tabatha Claytor 33:15

Yeah.

Unequally Yoked And Church Community

Ken Claytor 33:15

You need to make sure that they go through a level of freedom.

Tabatha Claytor 33:18

Yeah. And that's the thing. Say, say they have been through you know with many partners or even one for that matter. Okay, how are you with them now? Or do you have any soul ties? Do you think about them? What's your communication?

Ken Claytor 33:30

Yeah. That doesn't mean so. I want to ask, what did you do to break those soul ties? If you're a man, have you been with other men? If you're a woman, have you been with other women? Have you been involved in orgies? Have you been involved in pornography? Am I gonna find your picture somewhere on the internet one day? These aren't like offensive questions. They're like, okay, if I'm gonna love you, let me love all of you. Right. Don't try to hold back a portion that I gotta um I gotta figure out later on.

Tabatha Claytor 33:52

Let me go in eyes wide open.

Ken Claytor 33:54

Yeah, because that'll hurt. That'll hurt, you know? And so um, so you know, some of the red flags will be like just love bombing. And that's like a current term of someone that just goes all in, they're head over heels, and then they get you, then they kind of quit you emotionally. And I don't know, what would you say? How do you guard yourself from a love bomb?

Tabatha Claytor 34:16

That's terrible.

Ken Claytor 34:17

It's terrible, but we've seen it happen.

Tabatha Claytor 34:19

I know. Um, and it comes out of nowhere. It just feels like, oh my gosh, what happened? What did I do? I thought that we had a future together.

Ken Claytor 34:26

It ain't even you, it was that person. Right. It was that person. They was after a chase, they got what they wanted, but then they didn't have the characters to sustain it. Man, what I don't know. Maybe you all can put in the comments of what how do you over how do you discern someone who's a love bomber?

Rule 2: Character Beats Chemistry

Tabatha Claytor 34:42

I think the first things first is don't have sex, you know. Because then you know, male and female don't have sex. You don't have sex, you don't have sex, um, they never get what they want to go and leave. And if they don't really like you that like that, they're not willing to wait. And they're not willing to pay the price, and they'll leave without you being so, you know, broken.

SPEAKER_04 35:04

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 35:04

I think we that it's what when you have sex, it changes the game.

Ken Claytor 35:08

Right. Right. It does. It does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just thinking about people who their love bomber loved them all the way into marriage. And then after they've been married for a while, then the love bomber couldn't. What do you do? The love bomber. You gotta have the discernment of the Holy Spirit. But even with a situation that I'm thinking about right now, that was a love bomb, was it? If if that if that spouse would have said what they knew up front instead of hiding it, yeah, that love bomb wouldn't exploded like it exploded.

SPEAKER_03 35:48

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 35:49

I'm talking in generalities because I can't be specific.

SPEAKER_03 35:52

Okay.

Ken Claytor 35:52

But if like if you have accountability, okay, and you are telling, hey, this is where my marriage is, this is what goes like in the second week, you would have got help.

Tabatha Claytor 36:02

Right.

Ken Claytor 36:03

It shouldn't go on for year after year after year.

Tabatha Claytor 36:05

That's what I was gonna ask. Did this person have accountability?

Ken Claytor 36:08

They had accountability, but they wasn't using it.

Tabatha Claytor 36:10

They weren't using it.

Ken Claytor 36:10

So basically they were, you know, just wanting to keep everything hushed because I don't want anybody else to know.

unknown 36:15

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 36:15

And then years go by, and then you find out, like, oh man, this has been going on for years. Nobody said anything.

SPEAKER_03 36:23

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 36:23

And you could have got this helped now because of the time with it, you're deep in a dark hole. And the marriage is.

Tabatha Claytor 36:30

When at first it was just like, okay, we can handle this, we can work through this.

Ken Claytor 36:34

Yeah.

unknown 36:34

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 36:35

Wow.

Ken Claytor 36:36

Uh rule number four, and for the sake of time, I move on, is stewardship and money. Check their credit, not just the chemistry.

Tabatha Claytor 36:43

Check their credit.

Ken Claytor 36:44

And I always jokingly say, before you get married, you need to check the credit, but it's kind of like for real. Here's the big idea: money is a major conflict zone.

SPEAKER_03 36:52

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 36:52

Clarity now prevents crises later. If I would have known that your credit was as bad as it was, I would have still married you.

Tabatha Claytor 37:01

I didn't know that my credit was that bad. That's the sad thing. Like, what who knows about like how would I know that?

Ken Claytor 37:07

Any level of like maturity, it would have been a red flag. Right. Like, you know, I was just, I was just, I was in butterfly love and I couldn't, I couldn't see straight. So I would have married you with bad credit and I would have fixed it though. Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 37:20

I mean, I'm I w if I had known, but I had no idea.

Ken Claytor 37:23

Yeah. But I just think it's important for us to have all of these these clarifying things. Okay. So what am I when we get married, what am I timing up myself to?$300,000 of student loans? Right. Um,$300,000 of assets. Right. What what what do we what?

Tests For Character And Red Flags

Tabatha Claytor 37:38

Well, because we can look, we need to go deeper than surface. We can look and be like, oh, they drive a nice car. Oh, they have a house. Oh, you know, they have a nice apartment, they dress nice, oh, all of these things. They buy me nice gifts, but you don't know they got thousands of dollars of credit card debt. Right. That car ain't paid off. The house ain't paid off. There's, you know, they're they owe a lot of people. And you don't want to walk into that. You at least want to know what you're getting into.

Ken Claytor 38:04

I just feel like by the 90-day mark of dating, that these questions need to be had, like these real conversations. And you ain't got to go in it with like an attitude of like, um, uh, well, let me go in and grill this person. Yeah. No, not that. It's just like, hey, man, I'm really starting to see our relationship getting stronger. And I just got a few questions just to see where we are together.

Tabatha Claytor 38:24

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 38:25

And hopefully that person don't lie.

Tabatha Claytor 38:27

Well, I know, like, I we would have conversations, like, you know, my credit, my credit's bad. I you know, I'm not good with my finances. Maybe I would say that.

Ken Claytor 38:38

I don't know. You too. That's the problem. You don't know. Hey. You have some things you lied to.

Tabatha Claytor 38:44

I think you say, and and when you say these things that I lied to you, listen, I wasn't even saved.

Ken Claytor 38:48

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 38:49

I was a sinner. I understand. I don't even know.

Ken Claytor 38:51

Yeah, she's talking about.

Tabatha Claytor 38:52

Listen, I'm like Paul. That old person, I don't even know who you're talking about.

Ken Claytor 38:57

They gotta take a lot of tech to test. Listen, I tell you, people not.

Tabatha Claytor 39:00

I don't even know what you're talking about. But what I was saying was we could work these things out. It's not like, oh my gosh, your credit is terrible. Dump them. You know, like I'm just gonna turn around. Okay, well, how do you feel about that? Okay, well, you know. What's the plan here? Yeah, here's how I feel about this. I'm serious about this, and I do like you, and I want to, you know, go further with you, but I can't, you know, get involved with somebody that's going to, you know.

Ken Claytor 39:26

Definitely, definitely. Yeah, I remember when you first told me that you were battling depression. Thankfully, it was in the beginning of our relationship.

Tabatha Claytor 39:33

Yeah, I definitely didn't tell you that.

Ken Claytor 39:35

We were about three months into the relationship, and when you told me, it made me love you more because I felt like, wow, she's being vulnerable with me, and we'll overcome together. So if a person really loves you, they're not scared of you. But the worst thing you can do is present them the fake you.

SPEAKER_04 39:51

Right.

Ken Claytor 39:52

People want to be able to love the real you. Right. Because love can cover a multitude of sin, inconsistencies, and past and all of that kind of stuff. Don't lie to me. Right. Just give me the real deal. But here's rule number five, last but not least is community and counsel. Don't date alone. Here's the big idea: Isolation creates illusion, community brings clarity. Isolation creates illusion. Community brings clarity. Okay. And so invite, get two mentors in your dating season. One married, one peer. Let them speak into it. You know, set up how how you come to church together. You know, if you got a church over here and you got a different church, um, that might be okay for the first little bit. But when you start getting serious, y'all need to start coming to the same church together. Um, if if you break up with each other, don't burn your community, you know. Always ask your circle, green, yellow, red flag. What is this? What do you see? Um, and here's the red flags. If they avoid your people, they trash their leaders, they trash your leaders, they live unaccountable, find somebody else.

SPEAKER_03 40:52

Yeah.

Rule 3: Pace And Boundaries

Ken Claytor 40:52

Proverbs 15, 20 says, Without counsel, purposes are disappointed. But in the multitude of counselors, they are established. And I just feel like the community of believers is the safest place for singles to be. And the banana that leaves the bunch is the one that gets eaten. And the single who is like, they met somebody, like, what happened to so and so? And they just dating on the side, that's the person that gets jacked up. Because community done right can create a level of health.

Tabatha Claytor 41:23

Absolutely.

Ken Claytor 41:25

And so, do you have anything you want to add to that?

Tabatha Claytor 41:29

I don't.

Ken Claytor 41:29

Praise God. All right. Well, we're out of time for today, guys. Thank you so much for uh tuning in. Um, we love you guys. Of course, if you're new to our podcast, please hit the subscribe button so that you can be the first to get the content whenever it is released. We drop a new episode every Thursday at 3 p.m. Um, also, if you're ever in the Florida area, come worship with us at a live church. We have campuses in Orlando, in Tampa, and Gainesville. But if you're in between church homes right now and you don't have a place to go on Sunday, join us online. We have an online community with live worship and live word. Of course, 9 45 Eastern Standard Time right here in God Blessed America of the United States. Um, there's a lot of um things that we've made books and pamphlets and boot boot camps and all kinds of things. Go over to our website. We believe that there's some products that we've developed that can bring some value to your life. And uh, we hope we see you real soon. Just know that when you get better, the marriage gets better. We'll see you soon. Peace.