Doing Life with Ken and Tabatha

The Kind Of Love A Wife Deserves

• Ken Claytor and Tabatha Claytor

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 44:51

Send us Fan Mail

A lot of men were never taught how to be a husband. You can be loyal, hardworking, and faithful, yet still leave your wife feeling alone in the same house. We get honest about the gap between providing and loving, and we talk about why isolation is one of the fastest ways a man loses his confidence, his clarity, and his ability to lead well.

Ken and Tabitha Claytor unpack biblical marriage through a practical lens: headship is not dictatorship, it is responsibility. We explain what “covering” should feel like to a wife, why mutual submission takes strength, and how a husband’s leadership really begins when he comes home. We also address a common blind spot in Christian relationships: paying bills and “not cheating” is not the finish line. A wife needs emotional safety, affection, attention, reassurance, quality time, and to feel chosen again and again.

We also define spiritual leadership without the hype. It’s not about performing religion, it’s about seeking God, making wise decisions, setting vision for your family, and building shared goals and values so your home has a clear direction. Along the way, we call out the “nothing box” distractions that keep men stuck and we share 10 practical ways to love your wife with humility, tenderness, and Ephesians 5:25 self-sacrificial love.

If you know a man who needs a reset, send this to him. Subscribe for new episodes every Thursday, share this with your circle, and leave a review so more marriages can find help.

GET THE BETTER MARRIAGE BOOTCAMP HERE:

Better Marriage Bootcamp (kenandtabatha.com)

Better Marriage 90-Day Devotional:
90 Day Better Marriage Devotional - Ken and Tabatha (square.site)

DOWNLOAD THE FAMILY MEETING OUTLINE HERE ⬇️
https://www.kenandtabatha.com/pl/2148103888

📍 Join us in Florida at Alive Church — with campuses in Orlando, Tampa & Gainesville.


🎟 And don’t miss Alive Conference coming soon — 3 days that can change the next 30 years of your life!

https://redeemedevents.com/event-details/1875


Support Our Ministry: 
https://myalivechurch.org/give


Connect with us:

- Website:

https://www.kenclaytor.com
https://www.tabathaclaytor.com
https://www.myalivechurch.org

- Socials:

Instagram -

https://www.instagram.com/kenclaytor/
https://www.instagram.com/tabathaclaytor/
https://www.instagram.com/myalivechurch/

TikTok-

@Ken_Claytor
@Tabathaclaytor
@myalivechurch

Facebook-

https://www.facebook.com/PastorKenClaytor
https://www.facebook.com/pastortabathaclaytor
https://www.facebook.com/myalivechurch

- Ask us questions: 

i...

Men Need Brotherhood

Ken Claytor

We all need an example. We all need somebody that we can go to. Men need other men. One of the greatest tactics of the enemy is to cause men to be isolate. They do life by themselves.

Tabatha Claytor

I think a lot of men carry so much pressure and so much weight because they don't have a father. They don't have a spiritual father. They don't have spiritual brothers that they can lean on and that can build them up.

Ken Claytor

There's many men who say, I don't cheat, I go to work, I pay bills, I'm a good husband. But I feel like wives need more than that. Gods have to swallow that leadership actually begins when you come home. Got children to lead, and then you have a wife to also lead.

Tabatha Claytor

I want all of you. How you pursued me before we got married, I want that all day, every day.

Why This Talk Is For Men

Ken Claytor

Hey, what's up, everybody? Hey everyone. Welcome to another edition of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. We're excited about today because we want to talk to real men. And we believe we have some real men out there, men who are great fathers, men that are great husbands, men that are great providers. But then there's also some men that are struggling. Maybe they haven't had an example of a man. And so if you are a woman, please share this with men in your life, uncles, husbands, cousins, coworkers. If you are a man, let's tune in. And we would love for you to share this podcast with other people because it really helps uh kind of get the word out there. And so if you're new to our podcast, welcome. You can hit the subscribe button or the icon, the alert icon if you're on YouTube, if you're a podcast listener. Uh, thank you so much for tuning in today as well. But today is entitled Um, The Kind of Love a Wife Deserves. And in parentheses, fuel for today's real men. And that's what I want this to be. I don't want it to be like uh let's beat up on men, because I feel like the world beats up on men quite a bit. Yeah. And we don't want to beat them up, we want to build them up.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah. And I just want to say, and I mean, I heard you talking about real men. You are a real man.

Ken Claytor

Oh, thank you.

Tabatha Claytor

I like when I look at you and I see your life because you know, I've I've known you for, you know, 26 years, 27 years, 28 years now.

Ken Claytor

Um January 14th, 1998. 1998 was your second introduction to me and the the day you paid attention.

Tabatha Claytor

Yes, I didn't remember the first.

Ken Claytor

I think that is 28 years.

Tabatha Claytor

Uh-huh. Okay. And and in that time, you've always had character. You know, now you're you weren't perfect, but you've you've been a man. Um, and I think about your dad and the example that he set for you, how he loved your mother, um, how he was a husband, a father. And then you tell me stories of your grandfather who died when you were still young. But when I look at your family, even you come from a lineage of strong men. I know your uncles, you know, and they're just men who are there for their family. They love God. And so um, I think that's a really good thing. I'm excited for my son to be a part of that legacy.

Ken Claytor

Hey, man. You know, there's a lot of men who don't come from that kind of lineage. They have men, fathers who weren't around, fathers that were abusive, fathers that were not men of God. And my heart really goes out and it breaks for men who didn't have other men. Yes. Because this is what I know about being a man. Um men need other men. And many times we don't know it. And um, but we all need an example. We all need somebody that we can go to. Men need other men.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And so many times one of the greatest enemies, um, tactics of the enemy is to cause men to be ISO. And so when in basketball we say ISO, ISO, that means that I'm gonna take this dude one-on-one by myself. But a lot of men do life that way. Yeah, they do life by themselves. And when you come into the kingdom of God, we've been called into community. So we're not supposed to be like Lone Rangers, we're not supposed to do it by ourselves. Um, but pride will tell us, you know, I don't want people in my business. You know, I want my business in the streets. Well, this ain't the streets. Um, this is the kingdom of God. And um we have a communal faith, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and God does his best work when we come together. And so my hope is that there's some men out here that will hear some things because sometimes, especially in the marriage arena, you can kind of be coasting through your marriage and you're doing the relationship by the seat of your pants. You really don't have an example of a good marriage. You really don't have an example of how to be a father. Many times guys are just handed babies and like, okay, what do you do with it? Yeah. Um, how do you do this whole thing called marriage? So my hope is that we can share some highs and lows today that can help real men be great husbands.

Tabatha Claytor

Absolutely. And so I'm I'm a woman, but I didn't have that example of a male, of a man, of a father, of a husband. And so I have a brother. He didn't have that example. But what I've done in my life as someone who didn't have maybe a mother figure, a father figure, things like that. I lean into a podcast like this. I think that's why this podcast is so important. Because what you didn't have, we don't have to stay there and be like, well, I didn't have that.

Ken Claytor

So I'm just going to Yeah, you can have pastors, you can have spiritual fathers, you can have um uh, you know, you you can create your own tribe and you have your heavenly father. You you you have to create. But here's a warning though, because then there's some men like, well, I go to God, I go to God, I go to God. Yeah, you go to God, but the order of God is that you also have men and women who are in the earth that you can follow them as you follow Christ. You know, one of the greatest scriptures that has helped me navigate a quarter century of of life since I've really been walking with Jesus is Hebrews 6.12. It says to imitate them that faith and patience have inherited the promises or to follow them. And what I found is that sometimes when men haven't had a father figure, it's really hard for them to know how to follow. But this is what I found about leadership is that the greatest leaders are normally the greatest followers. And so many times we have like leadership schools and leadership seminars, and you know, so we need following schools and following seminars. And so I think that um I'm a I'm a pretty good leader. I'm actually a much better follower than I am a leader. And I learned that from like my spiritual father, from my pastors, from my dad, from my great uncles. And so um, there's just so many things that I can just share.

Tabatha Claytor

I think a lot of men carry so much pressure and so much weight because they don't have a father. They don't have a spiritual father, they don't have spiritual brothers that they can lean on and that can build them up. Because that's, you know, even biblically, we've been designed to have fathers and brothers and uncles.

Ken Claytor

Well, even naturally speaking, the father gives identity. And when the father's not there, identity many times is missing. So you have same chromosomes, what is it, two X's?

Tabatha Claytor

We have two X's.

What Loving A Wife Looks Like

Ken Claytor

Two X's. So the male gives the either the Y or the X to determine the gender or the identity. Spiritually speaking, um, spiritual fathers determine identity. They can speak into identity. You can kind of say, okay, that's a great model for me. That's an example for me. And I had someone that I was talking to, they said, Well, the Bible says don't call anybody father. Well, you got to put that into context. It was not saying that you don't have dads. It was not saying that Elijah, Elijah wasn't Elisha's spiritual father, that Paul wasn't Timothy's spiritual father. Matter of fact, the scripture says that you have 10,000 instructors in Christ, but you don't have many fathers. What does that mean? That when you find fathers, you want to lean into that. So it's not to neglect that title. It's just saying that you have one heavenly father. You know, you you you put the emphasis on him. But it's very important that we have a team of people around us. Yes. And so, because really that's where identity comes from. You know, many young women who don't have a father, they they they're not, they don't have their identity. So they're looking for identity in other relationships. And sometimes you can fall into a relationship with somebody that tells you that they love you, but they don't show you that they love you because you're looking for identity. Right. Whether it be man or a woman, it's very important that that we have that because identity, um, many times, not all the times, um, comes from that father figure. And so um what we want to talk about today is really how a man should be loving his his wife. Um, do you think that I've done a good job like loving you? Yes, no. In which ways?

Tabatha Claytor

Um, you have. I think you number one in loving me for me, um, in supporting who I am. You don't make me feel like I have to compete with other women. Um, you don't make me feel like, oh, well, I don't cook as well as this woman, or I don't dress like this woman. Um, I this woman has more muscles than me. You know, you need to lose 10 pounds, or you make me feel beautiful. You make me feel worthy. Um, and you're looking for my gifting, you know, so I'm more creative and more like, la la la, you know, I can do, you know, 10 things. I got 10 things going on all the time, and I'm I move the house furniture around all the time because that's just who I am. It's what I like to do, I like to create, but you don't try to make me be something that I'm not. You know, you you don't try to make me um uh conform to something that you feel like, oh, well, my mom was like this, so I need you to be like this, right?

Ken Claytor

And why are those things important to you? It sounds like um maybe some leadership, some direction, some security, some stability. Why are those things that you first off listed? Why is those why are those important?

Tabatha Claytor

When I know that you care for me and believe in me, it makes me feel supported, protected, it makes me feel safe. It makes me feel like we're on a team, you have my back. So whatever obstacle comes my way or our way as a couple, I know that with you, we're gonna handle it together. I don't have to now go out and bend over backwards to try to do something or be something or get something so that we can move on with our lives or get over an obstacle in our lives. I know that who I am is enough for us to be together and move forward and overcome.

Headship Means Responsibility Not Control

Ken Claytor

That's awesome. Um, you know, the scripture says, and I want your take on this. It says that as a husband, I'm the head of the house, just like Christ is the head of the church. What does headship kind of mean to you? What is your how do you how do you process that? And what would you say like to people that's trying to properly define it? You know, I hear some guys like, I'm the head, I'm the head. It's almost like it's more like dictatorship or like do what I say. Um, let's just quick, let's just talk about what is headship to you.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah. I think uh, well, number one, I look at headship, I look at kind of like military, you know. I I see that there is a, you know, there's leaders, there's military levels in rankings. And so you take the president of the United States, he is the, he's the head of it all. And so it doesn't diminish or take any, you know, power away from the other people, but he's the one who is responsible for everything. Okay. And so I kind of, you know, in any organization, in any business, things like that, you there's one person who is uh taking um responsibility for it all. So I'm not threatened by authority, I'm not threatened by headship, I'm not, it it doesn't mean anything to me. But even biblically, when I look at the Bible and I see that God set order to the family and he set you as a head, that makes me like I'm okay with that. And again, as a wife and a woman, um, I feel secure in that. It makes me feel safe. I want you to be the head. I want you to do what God said, I want you to lead spiritually. Uh, that doesn't mean that you are a dictator. That doesn't mean that you I don't make any decisions without you or you make the decisions without me. It just means that if we say, hey, here's the decision, it's either A or B. And I'm like, well, I feel like this about A, and I feel like this about B. And you feel like we have a discussion about it and you take all of the information, and even if I said, I think it should be A, you've taken it, you've prayed to God, and you say, Hey, you know what, babe? I really feel like the answer is B. You know, the Lord said this, that, and the other. Do you do you trust me? Is it, you know, are we okay with this? And I, yes, sir. That's what the Lord is leading you to do. Let's do it. I'm on, I'm on board with you. That's that's headship.

Ken Claytor

We were headed for divorce, but today we're best friends. We're Ken and Tabitha. We've been married for 26 years, and honestly, it's been the best 24 years of my life. You do the math. The first two years was absolutely horrible, but now Tabitha, she got herself together and things are much better.

Tabatha Claytor

Hey, you know that's half true. But we believe any marriage can change with the right tools. In our new book, Butterfly Love, we share our love story of 26 years. It isn't what you think, and it's exactly what you think all at the same time. It's beautiful beginnings, messy middles, and a miracle we didn't see coming.

Ken Claytor

If you love rom-coms, romance novels, you'll love this book. Butterfly Love is easy. Keeping the butterflies, not so much. We want to help you fall in love, stay in love, and grow in love. This book right here, this is for you. Get your copy today. All right, let's unpack that a little bit because there was a lot there. Um, so I don't even know where to start. I mean, um, well, let me just give you my perspective. So the thing that I pick out from what you said was responsibility. So to me, headship is just responsibility. I'm the responsible one to try to get my team to win the championship. Um, when I when I look at headship, I don't look at it as a value thing. So in the eyes of God, I am not more valuable than you.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Ken Claytor

I have to be more responsible for um my leadership of our family or our team. So it doesn't have anything to do with value. So the scripture also says that a man and his wife are heirs together to the grace of life. So we are in this together, you know. Adam and Eve, um, it wasn't like as it relates to value, first they were both named Adam. That was basically the the name there before Eve was even given a name, and they were both created in the image and likeness of God. And so this hasn't, this is not about value, worth, or anything like that. It just has to do with um divine order. So when a man is given leadership responsibility, the way that I look at it, I look at it like I'm the head coach. And as a head coach, I'm always going to listen to my my my best assistant coach. So I like what you said. So if there's a decision to make, and let me just ask you this um out of 26 years of marriage, how many times do you think that I've made a decision that was opposite of what you wanted to do?

Tabatha Claytor

I don't remember one.

Ken Claytor

Right. I don't remember one. I don't really remember one either. There could have been, but now there are a lot of couples out there, it's like they're button heads like this. All right. What we've learned about submission, and submission is like the most powerful word because it takes two equals to submit. So when the Bible says submit one to another, there's mutual submission. So I need to be tender-hearted towards you, kind of bowing the knee to you sometimes. You need to be doing the same to me. Ultimately, when it comes to leadership position, like you said, if we go back and forth and like where, but the decision has to be made. So let's let's say that there was a decision that didn't have to be made. If we're not in agreement, I'm putting that decision on the shelf until we can get an agreement. If the decision has to be made, I'm listening to my assistant coach because I know the wisdom of God in you, the discernment of God in you. And honestly, many times I just do what you tell me to do anyway. But if I feel like, okay, I've listened to you, but now I need to go this way, then it's your responsibility to submit. And submission is not a position of weakness, it's actually a position of strength because it takes a mature person to submit. Whether it be in the marriage relationship, whether it be the head coach and the players got to submit to the play that's being ran, the general and the army, the people got to submit, whether it's the CEO and the people got to submit to the vision of the company, we all need to learn how to submit. Submission, come under another's mission, under mission. And that's all it is. And you submit is unto the Lord. And when you have this mutual submission, but at the at the same time, I like what you said about headship. You don't look at it as dictatorship, you look at it as covering. And that's really the proper thing. Like any wife should say, yes, let me submit to you.

Tabatha Claytor

I want to be covered. You know, I just as a woman, as a wife, I want to be covered. I mean, there is a difference between the woman and the man. There is a difference in twink between the physical makeup of a woman, of a man, even the mentality of a woman versus a man. Yeah.

Ken Claytor

So when I look at it as a husband, I look at my assignment is to be the first. Like if anybody's gonna get a new car, you're gonna get a new car first. If we got two houses to pick, I'm probably gonna go with which one you want. My job is to make your gifts blossom. My job is to help you um help your dreams come to pass. My job is to cover you. So if there's any persecution that's coming our way as a family, um, the the stripes are gonna fall on my back first. If there's any bullets that are flying, I'm the one that's covering the family. Just like a a lead pastor is covering the sheep. I'm leading the sheep, I'm protecting the sheep, I'm the one that takes, you know, it's like if a if a team does bad, they're gonna fire the head coach. Even if the head coach ain't even on the field. Like you fumble the ball, you drop the pass, but now I'm getting fired. That's leadership. Right. So I'm the one that takes the persecution, I'm the one that takes the pressure first, I'm the one that takes the heat first, um, because my job is to cover you. Now, when you properly define headship, man, that's an honorable thing. It's almost like, oh God, you know, it's not something that I'm touting around like, do what I tell you to do, do what I tell you to do. It's like, man, I get to serve my family this way. I get to cover my family this way, I get to lead my family this way. And I think that God honors that because of servant leadership. Oh, yeah. And so it's more, it's not me on the top, it's actually me kind of on the bottom pushing everybody up to be everything they've been called, they've been called to be.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Is that you think that that what do you think of it?

Tabatha Claytor

I think it's great. I I think of um the humility that it takes to be the head as well. And when I see you, I'm I'm laughing right now because um I look at you not only as my husband. Now, and I'm a woman, I have a lot of opinions, I have a lot of things to say, you know.

Ken Claytor

And um, but you 10 minutes ago I had to be like why you have to say that so strongly. I was just asking you a question. It's like just the way we're gonna do it, okay?

Tabatha Claytor

Like you interrupted me, by the way. I was trying to do my hair and makeup, and you were in my room asking me questions. Anyway, so but I see you, and we have two daughters, okay, and a son, you know, and um, you know, 20 years old, 16 years old, and we are all we are very opinionated and we're very strong and stuff, but I see you come in and lead and you ask us questions, you allow us to speak.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

And and I hear our kids say things that it's like, oh my goodness, no, they didn't. Not disrespectful, but say just the most immature, the most immature perspectives, and you let them speak and you let them voice their opinion. And then you come in and you cover, okay, I would look at it like this. I would, I would think about think about it from this perspective, this angle. And um, that's leadership. That's being the head.

Providing Versus Presence And Pursuit

Ken Claytor

Yeah. I almost feel like maybe we need to have like husband masterclasses because just a lot of men haven't been through leadership school. They haven't learned those things. And so now you're given this thing called a family. It's just like you're given a car and you never went to driver's ed, you're probably gonna wreck it because you've had no training. Yeah. So, like, no CEO is gonna just become a CEO and you have no training. Right. You don't know how to lead team, you don't know how to build company, you don't understand HR, you don't understand laws. Right. But as a husband, many times we become a husband and we just don't even know how to lead the team. And if you marry somebody strong, it's like World War III. It's like in your opinion, and then you have these two people the wife don't know how to submit, she doesn't know how to follow leadership, the man doesn't know how to lead. And so hopefully we can just help with that. Absolutely. But I really want to focus on the man still today. And so, what is the biggest difference between a man providing and like loving his wife? You know, a lot of men feel like, well, I provide, I you know, no, you know, I make money, uh, the house is taken care of, the lights are on, and that's good. Um, how important is that to you versus other things as well?

Tabatha Claytor

I think it's it's very important. I mean, I it's probably equally as important. I can't say, well, I would rather have this than that. I want it all. That's what marriage is. Um, and so I think when I think about being loved, the Bible says to love the wife like Christ loved the church. I think of, well, how did Christ love the church? You know? And he didn't just, you know, provide, you know, spiritually things like that, but he was emotionally there, you know, when he went to the woman at the well, when he ministered to the woman with the issue of blood. Like, how did he deal with God's people? Um, and he was very passionate and compassionate toward God's people. And so I think as the husband, um, yeah, we I want you to love me. I want you to be tender toward me. I don't want you to treat me like you treat your mother, your sister, or any other woman out there. I want you to treat me like your wife, you know, I want you to um just be kind and tender toward me.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. Um, a side note, one little wisdom key is so for me, when it comes to my wife, she is the most re important relationship in my life. She's more important than my mom, she's more important than my dad, she's more important than our kids. And I think that for you, the same should be for the wife. The husband should be the most important relationship. Yes. More important than your friends, and so and I think that some people just don't have that foundation. And it's very important that when the two become one, this is the relationship that's elevated above the other relationships. So it should be like treated, treasured, stewarded with that kind of intention that this is the most important human relationship that I have. And that's not a diss, the mom and them. That's just saying that um in the eyes of God, this thing is covenant here. The two have become one.

Tabatha Claytor

I I felt a little something in my spirit whenever I said the mom. You know, I want to be treated differently than your mom, loved more than your mom. Why do you think that is?

Ken Claytor

Well, I think that there's a lot of people that elevate the mother relationship even over the spouse relationship. And that's not a biblical concept because what scripture actually teaches is that we are to leave our mother and father and join to our spouse. Yes. So what it's saying is that when you say I do, there is this relationship goes here, and now the marriage covenant becomes number one. But I think that there's a lot of people that um the moms have raised children to depend on them and love them more than anybody else. Yes. And then there's a lot of people who are raised to, I'm gonna take her, my mom.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

But you don't have that same tenacity toward your wife. And so that's just something that people gotta say, I've been wrong with that. I gotta make sure that my wife is taken care of because that's what glorifies God.

Tabatha Claytor

And I think that's so there. Um today there are so many men who are being raised by single moms. And so they haven't had the father figure number one, but their whole lives, it's been them and mom. And so now, you know, they're there for mom, they're helping mom. Mom, you they saw mom have two and three jobs and you know, put them through school and things like that. And now they feel, you know, you can understand why they're like, oh wow, I have to take care of my mother.

Ken Claytor

And you do.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah, and you do.

How Wives Feel Unloved

Ken Claytor

I mean, well, not you do, but like you love your mom. Yeah, when that's not a diss, but love your wife more. Right. Take care of your wife more. That's your responsibility. And so what are some ways a wife can feel unloved even if the husband's been faithful, you feel?

Tabatha Claytor

Uh, probably if she if he doesn't say I love you.

Ken Claytor

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor

If they're not spending quality time together, definitely if they're not having sex. Um for me, I would not feel loved if you, you know, I I like touch, you know, if I felt like you weren't touching me or kind of cuddling with me. I like cuddle time. Um I think I would definitely feel unloved if I wasn't provided for. You know, if if you didn't come home at night and I never knew what time you were gonna walk in the door because you're always out working late, that would make me feel unloved.

Ken Claytor

Uh let's let's look at this statement. Um, there's many men who say, I don't cheat, I go to work, I pay bills, I'm a good husband. But I feel like wives need more than that. It's more than a paycheck, more than that you've stuck around. She needs to feel safe, she needs to feel honored, she needs to feel seen, she needs to feel valued, she needs to feel desired, she needs to feel appreciated. And so those things are important as well. Would you say?

Tabatha Claytor

Yes. I think when you say, Oh, will I pay the bills? Will I provide for her? Will I do this? It just makes me feel like I'm another thing on your to-do list that you just gonna check off. I want all of you. How you pursued me before we got married, I want that all day, every day.

Ken Claytor

Um, what do you think about this statement that a wife would rather her husband be present more than anything?

Tabatha Claytor

No. I mean, I can't say it in an absolute, meaning that I don't want you to not have a job and you know, just kind of hang around the house and be like, but I love you, I'm here for you. That's no. That's what you're saying. No.

Ken Claytor

Well, I guess when I say present, I mean more like I show up emotionally. You know, have some some guys can make, I'm going to work, I'm providing, I'm doing things, and then come home and just watch TV, drink beer, hang out, you know. So for so I think your presence is important. So it's almost like guys have to swallow that leadership when you come home actually begins when you come home. It's almost like you can give your best to your job, your business, or your nine to five. But then when you come home, you got children to lead, yeah, and then you have a wife to also lead.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And so I'll I always say this this is a loaded statement, but there's no days off for the leader. You know, thank God for Sabbath, thank God for days off at work, but there's really no day off for the leader. Right. And so if you don't normalize that, you're always gonna be looking to chill, like you used to chill when you were single. Oh, can I go to the pool hall? Oh, can I go out with the boys? Oh, can I just hang out with my friends? Can we go? Okay, that's cool, but you gotta you you got a team. Now, if y'all want to be a winning team, okay, there's no days off for the leader. Like I still gotta call. Um, even if I'm away, how's everything going there? I gotta handle my my my things that I got going on in my life, but I also have to lead you through yours.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And I know it's vice versa, but I'm really just talking to men. And so for me, um, men or husbands provide, here's some things we provide emotional safety, uh reassurance, attention, affection, partnership, leadership you can trust, spiritual covering, kindness, communication, and actually making you feel like I choose you every day. Any of those things really stick out to you?

Tabatha Claytor

Um, probably making me feel like you choose me every day.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. I I like that.

Tabatha Claytor

I mean, it could have been, but uh, you know, you're a person who, you know, re you you you do, you pay the bills, you're I can trust you, you're faithful, you know, like all of those things. I try. And and so for me, you know, personally, I it is nice to feel wanted and loved and that you would choose me again.

Ken Claytor

I would say, even on more than those things that I listed, the number one thing that a husband gives his wife is love.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Love As Sacrifice And Daily Choice

Ken Claytor

And I feel like love has to be properly defined. Um, because it's not just attraction and chemistry, it's also choice. Um, it's how I show up. And so Ephesians 5.25, it says, Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church, and he gave himself up for her. Gave himself up for her. That means that I'm gonna give up my dream for your dream.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Or I'm gonna so Jesus, what he did, he laid down his life so that we could live. So um as a husband, I'm gonna lay down some of what I want for what you want. So if there's ever a debate about submission, and you know, a wife needn't submit to her husband, the call to love is greater than the call to submission because in real love there is submission. So when it says that I'm gonna love you like Christ loved the church, what does that mean? That Christ, Christ got on the cross and he died a bloody death and he gave his best so that we could have eternal life and we could live an abundant life. And I believe when a man comes in and says, I'm gonna love my wife with like a self-sacrificial, willing to die to me, kind of love. I mean, great marriages are built on that real understanding.

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Ken Claytor

And honestly, it stops a lot of combatantism, it stops a lot of uh what I need, I want this, and I want to buy a Corvette, not tell you, or you know, you got guys doing all kinds of things. They make money and just give their wives just a little bit. If, you know, maybe she's at home, you know, a lot of women nowadays they make their own money, give their husbands some. I get it. But what I'm saying is that it's almost like this male chauvinistic perspective that he has, that he's not really taking care of his wife like a flower and with chivalry and and and causing her to blossom. And so I don't know if you don't hear anything out of this man of God. I hope that you would hear leadership. You're the coach, you're the general, you're the CEO, you're the responsible one, you handle the warfare, you have an undying love, you make her gifts come about. Because I think there's some guys, like specifically, I've been talking to some um husbands that marriages are really jacked and they're on the brink of divorce. And it's like, well, my wife this, and my wife didn't touch me, she didn't hold my hand, she don't, she don't affirm me, she don't affirm me, she don't build me up. And it's like, bro, I hear you. And she should. But at the end of the day, that's your team. At the end of the day, if you're zero and 15, head coach, you got to be a good one. You're the coach. Yeah. And so you're saying, I'm supposed to control her. She just, she don't do this, she don't do that. No, you're supposed to inspire her like leaders do, encourage her like leaders do, and live the kind of life that inspires her to see something in you that's worth following.

Tabatha Claytor

I like that.

Mentorship Invite For Leaders

Build A Winning Atmosphere At Home

Ken Claytor

Are you a senior leader, a second chair leader, or simply someone who's thinking about launching a church? If that's you, I want to personally invite you to be a part of the Global Pastors and Leaders Network. You know, I've been in ministry now 18, 19 years. We started with six people in the rec center, but on today, we have five locations in four cities in two different nations. We see over 4,000 people in regular attendance every single Sunday. And we want to pay it forward. People are asking me, Pastor Ken, how are you guys doing what you're doing at a live church? A lot of people want to shortcut to success. The only shortcut is mentorship. And so I'm starting a new thing called mentorship Mondays with Pastor Ken and friends. We're launching a monthly Zoom call where I'm fielding real life ministry questions. I'm bringing some of our team along with us, we're opening up our playbook to really share with you what we do at a live church and how we're doing it. My team and I will be hosting this call every third Monday. If this resonates with you, and if you're hungry, humble, and know that God's just calling you to war, join us for the next call. We'll see you there. That's a lot of responsibility to put on a man, but that's what leaders do. We take responsibility. That's what it is. I'm not, I don't want to sugarcoat it like, yo, my team sucks, but we're gonna blame the wide receiver. We're gonna blame the fans. They ain't coming to the games. No, it's the head coach.

Tabatha Claytor

And I even hear like, so this is part of the thing that we're looking for even before you get married, when the man is finding a wife, you're looking for someone who has certain qualities and values that you can help mold and bring out. So when you look at her, you say, huh, she has this, this, and this. I see how I can take this and I can even help her blossom even more. I can grow and spend the rest of my life with this.

Ken Claytor

I know, I see how she can be, you know, on the argumentative and combative and and and you know, what is it called? Like independent to where she can't follow you in the dating season. That ain't for me. Right. The honestly with you, you can be single, you bad by yourself, girl, you fine, you beautiful, you make a bunch of money, but you can't follow leadership at all. There's no humility, there's no meekness, there's no kindness there. Uh-uh. That's uncoachable. That's uncoachable.

Tabatha Claytor

And so for those of us, so so those men who are already married, what did you see in her to cause you to get down on one knee and say, Will you be my wife for the rest of my life?

SPEAKER_02

Right.

Tabatha Claytor

Take those qualities and then develop them, sew into them, breathe life into them.

Spiritual Leadership With Vision And Goals

Ken Claytor

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I just feel like when God says a man is a head, there's an anointing to be the head. Just like when God says you're called to start a church, there's an anointing to do it. Hopefully, those of you all who are in business, there's an anointing that comes on you in the marketplace. And so I don't think if you're a man, you're not wrestling against flesh and blood. Um, this warfare, the weapons of it's not carnal. That means it's not just a natural battle. You got to come to the place where you understand the full arm of God and how to use your anointing and influence to lead your team. So, yeah, even if you're married and you feel like it is argumentative and combatative, is that really who she is? Or is she just responding to all of your lacks of character and unfaithfulness or the atmosphere that you've created? I guess what I want you to know, husband, is that you have been given authority by God to create an atmosphere that resembles heaven. And you have to use that God-given authority to begin to move your team out of the losing bracket into the winner's bracket. And it ain't gonna happen overnight. It's like play by play, practice by practice. We're gonna have some team meetings. I'm gonna show you who I am. I'm gonna be different. I'm gonna say different words, I'm gonna have a different posture, and I'm gonna pull us to where God's called us to be. And I will say, you probably as a wife, tell me if this is wrong. The number one thing you probably want is for me to be the spiritual leader of our home. I would think so, you know.

Tabatha Claytor

I want you to have a relationship with God. I want you to seek God on the behalf of our family.

Ken Claytor

Period. Yeah. And so for me, as a as a pastor, I get vision and I communicate that to other people to run. As a leader of a family, get vision for your family. Where are we going? Baby, we're gonna be debt-free within three years. Here's my plan. Get some core values for your family, get a mission statement for your family. See, that's why it does matter that you you can't play ISO ball. So, one thing that I did with leading you, this is 20 years ago, is I saw how my pastor was leading the church. They had a vision, they had a vision statement, they had all of this. I said, okay, he's leading an organization this way. I got a micro church at home. Let me come up with a vision statement and a mission statement for my family and some core values. And I think that that's a really important way to kind of start to bring your team on the same page. You know, remember the family constitution? Yep. We had rules of this is how our family is run. This is the things we do, this is the things we don't do. If we spend over this amount of money, we don't do it alone without agreement. Everybody knows where everybody goes. 10 o'clock at night, I know where you are, you know where I am. You know, there's just certain things that we say, this is how our organization called the family functions. That's just leadership.

Tabatha Claytor

I remember those days and it felt good to me. I was like, come on, let's go. Yeah. I wanted to be a part of a winning team.

Ken Claytor

I think when wives say, I want my husband to lead spiritually, I think what the husband hears is you want me to pray for three hours, fast, and worship and pray in tongues around the house. Right. I don't think that's what the wife is saying. I think what the wife is saying when she says, I want my husband to lead spiritually, is that I want you to take the initiative of where our family is going. I want to know that you do have a devotion life, you do have a prayer life, but that you come out with God is telling us to do this. And when things get hard and things get difficult, I see you on your knees, stuff like that. Yeah. Do you agree with that? Absolutely. Would you add anything else? Like when a wife says, Husband, I want you to take the spiritual lead, that means what? Define that for from a friend.

Tabatha Claytor

I want to know that you have a relationship with God. I want to know that you do pray. I don't care how long you're praying.

Ken Claytor

You want to make sure that my decisions aren't carnal.

Tabatha Claytor

Yes. I want to make sure that you're discerning. I want to, I want you to know the plan for our family. Now, I don't necessarily need you to go and come up with some big plan for ourselves, but can we get three, five, and 20-year goals, you know, for our family, for our finances? Like, let's just look it over. Like, where do we want to be with our health? You know, how do we want to raise our kids? I want to have these conversations because if you're not even having the conversations, like I need to know. So if you're the head that puts me in this position as the wife, give me the play. I need to know, coach, what are we playing right now? What are we doing? Should I go this way? Should I go that way? I just need you to tell me what to do so that I can do it. And if you just leave me out there, well then it just makes me feel insecure.

Ten Practical Ways To Love

Ken Claytor

And I'll say this sensitively, but also boldly. It's hard to get downloads of where we're going if you're just playing video games for hours. I think that there's a lot of men who stay too long in their nothing box. I appreciate a good game of pool, basketball, playing some sports, but that is not advancing your family and your team. And men, we have a nothing box. I I'm a I'm a dude. I like sometimes just to sit there and do nothing. Don't come talk to me, just give me, let me watch Sports Center, kind of just give me some space. All right. But if you spend too much time in that nothing box, your team is gonna lose. And I think some guys they spend too much time on Instagram, too much time on TikTok, too much time on video games, too much time on Netflix, and you have goals and dreams, and they're sad. Yeah, they're actually sad because they know their potential is greater, they just don't know how to get there. And so the team is suffering, the wife is upset, and there's a tension in the house, and it can be resolved, but you just got to do what's right. So I want to give like 10 practical ways to love your wife. Jump in wherever you think, because I feel like there's some men like, okay, I'm with you, I'm ready to be that leader, I want to be that husband I've been called to be. Make it easy. Here's bottom shelf: practical things. 10 ways to lead your wife. Number one, speak life to her daily. Compliment her, encourage her, build her up. Number two, lead with humility. Stop acting like apologies or weakness. Maturity, apologize. Number three, be emotionally present. Look at her, listen to her, engage her. As she's talking, don't be thinking about something different. All right. Number four, protect her heart. Don't embarrass her. Don't belittle her. Don't call her name. Don't weaponize her vulnerability. Number five, serve her practically, help out without being asked. Take the pressure off. Vacuum do the dishes. That's sexy to you, right, babe? Number six, pursue her again. Date her. Flirt with her. Make her feel chosen. When's the last time you got her her favorite flour? Her favorite candy, her favorite. Do you even know what those things are anymore? They probably change.

SPEAKER_02

Yep.

Ken Claytor

You know, number seven, cover her spiritually. Pray with her. Pray for her. Lead her home, lead the home with God. Number eight, be faithful in private. Character is what you do when nobody is around. We need integrous men. We need men who have character. We need men who ain't flirting with other women and trying to, you know, still act like a little boy. You still acting like you were 18 years old, but you're 48. Come on, it's time to grow up. Number nine, learn what it takes to make her feel love. Because every woman receives love differently. Ask, how can I make you feel love? Don't love her like you do. You receive love. Love her how she's been created to receive love. And number 10 is to lead her spiritually. And this is a big one. It's very important because we have to take the reins. There's too many. For too long, the church has been filled with the women praying. And my grandmama was a praying grandmama. And my mom brought, well, where was dead?

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Where is this guy? Where is he? What is he doing? We need men to rise up again. It's time for a remnant of men, mighty men of valor, filled with integrity and the power of God and the spirit of God to take the spiritual authority that God's given us to lead our families where God's called them to go and to break these generational curses. And so anything stick out to you from there?

Tabatha Claytor

That that's so good. Everything, I could have said something on everything that you that you talked about. Um, but I think those are that's great.

Ken Claytor

Time.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah, it's it's I agree.

Prayer For Men To Rise

Ken Claytor

It's time. And I believe by this is my faith that there are men who are hearing and watching this right now that this was the ammunition that they needed. It was just a perspective. It wasn't that he's evil. It ain't even that he's immature. Sometimes they just don't know. And my hope is that they allowed me to challenge them enough to say, oh man, I'm about to be Coach K. Oh my goodness, I'm about to be Belichick. Oh my goodness, I'm about to be Phil Jackson. I'm about to lead my team. We're about to have 10 rings on every finger. Ring on every finger. That's how I look at life. And I'm not expecting my team to win. And I'm not talking about I need to win, like have the biggest house and have the most money. I'm talking about at the end of the day, if your 50 anniversary, I still want to look at you and I want to know that I've done well by you. I want, I want to, I want my children to be able to look at me and say, my dad was a faithful man. I want people, my grandkids to be able to hear the legacy and the story about how we came from the projects and we survived cancer and we and we got our marriage out of headed for divorce to now best friends, and we begin to help people all around the world. And I and it's not just me, it's for every family. If if you're a born-again believer, the hand of God, God has a purpose for you, man of God. And it's so much more than just drinking a beer and hanging out with your buddies or golfing or watching NASCAR or playing 18 hoes and 36 holes. I mean, uh I mean, I love golf and I love these activities, but your your wife is dying and you're spending six hours on the golf course. It's just like I just pray that this can just cause priorities to say, I'm gonna be who God's called me to be. And I believe, and so I pray in Jesus' name that there is men who are hearing this right now who are husbands, that now you make a decision to renounce to slothfulness, laziness, and blame shifting. And you've been blaming it on your team, but really you're the responsible one. I pray for a boldness and a wisdom over you right now in Jesus' name, that you can take the weight. You can. You've been made for the moment. You've been through your own pain. I know. You've been through your own trauma, I know. You've been abused yourself, I know. If it feels like it's just you against the world, I know, but it's not. God is for you. And if God be for you, who can be against you? And that wife that God's given you, she's your good thing. And she needs to be treated like a good thing. She needs to be treasured. Her worth is above rubies. So in the name of Jesus, I pray for a perspective shift for you and a greater grace to be able to lead your team to the championship. And we want to hear, I want to hear testimonies from this one. Please share this with every man that you can. Share this. If you're a man, share it with other men. If you're a woman, share it with other women. Because I really just believe that there are some husbands out there that this will be a lifeline too.

Tabatha Claytor

I'm really excited about this episode. And as you were praying, I saw like a man, a man picking up his crown, a gold crown, like picking up his crown, dusting it off, and putting it on his head. And I just believe it. And I think that God is saying, yeah, as a king. Yeah. And um, it's not too late. It's not too late to pick up your crown. It's not too late. It doesn't matter. Be the king of your home.

Subscribe And Get Resources

Ken Claytor

You can be 60 years old, 70 years old. You can have been a Rolling Stone just like Papa was. Yes. But this is a new day for you. This is a new day. You can do some new things. It's not too late. So, hey, we're out of time, everybody. Hey, thank you for doing life with us. This is our goal. We just want to help you love God and the people that God's placed into your life. We're going to share with you the good, the bad, the ups and the downs. And our hope is that you just take some principles that we're sharing and they'll add some value to your life to cause your life to be better. If you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button if you're on YouTube or wherever you get podcasts. We want you to hang out with us. We release a new show every Thursday at 3 p.m. You can go binge watch old shows. We got some things that I think will you'll like it a lot. You know, you got to check it out. Um, but also if you want to get hold of our new book that we just wrote Masterclasses, Marriage Boot Camps, and a ton of other resources, invest in you. Go to Kenontabitha.com and uh we look forward to seeing you next week. We'll see you soon. Peace.

Contributor

Ken Claytor

Host
Head Shot

Tabatha Claytor

Host