One of The Biggest Relationship Killers: Blame Shifting

We get real about how blame shifting turns a struggling marriage into a dead-end and why owning your part is the first move toward change. We connect Scripture, self-awareness, and practical habits so you can stop living as the victim in every story and start growing on purpose. 

• why every struggling relationship has blame shifting somewhere 
• what “own your part” looks like even when you feel 95% right 
• becoming the hero in the home instead of matching foolishness 
• what blame shifting sounds like in everyday arguments 
• Adam and Eve as the first blame shift 
• how victim mentality keeps people stuck 
• a candid talk on emotional abuse claims and getting wise counsel 
• the role of self-awareness and security in hard conversations 
• practical steps like reflecting, apologizing right, and seeking accountability 
• repentance as change not just confession 

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Transcript

Owning Your Part In Conflict

Ken Claytor 0:00

If you're in a marriage and the marriage is struggling, no matter how much you feel like it's all your spouse's fault, you have a part to play.

Tabatha Claytor 0:09

And sometimes your part is it might be, okay, I need to pray about this. When you blame someone else and you don't take responsibility, you make yourself a victim.

Ken Claytor 0:17

Where did blame shifting begin?

Tabatha Claytor 0:19

Adam and Eve in the garden.

Ken Claytor 0:21

And when God confronted him, he said, the woman you gave me, meaning that he didn't own his part. And then Eve, she comes up and says, The serpent deceived me.

Tabatha Claytor 0:30

But it was her decision to do it. And now she's made herself a victim of the situation and the circumstance. See, I'm just the victim. Victims don't win, they stay victims.

Ken Claytor 0:45

Hello, hello. Welcome to another edition of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. We are Ken and Tabitha, your host. We've been married for 26 years, y'all. It's been the best 24 years of our lives. The first two years was horrible, but now she got herself together and things are much better. Praise God. But uh this is a marriage podcast, but not just the marriage podcast, the personal growth podcast. And we are glad you're here. I don't know how you found us. Maybe you've been doing life with us for a while, but we want to welcome you in. We don't want this to be a monologue. We love it to be a dialogue. And so please reach out to us. If you have questions, email them in. Share your testimonies. Your testimonies inspire us. If you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button or however you get a download. We release a new podcast every Thursday, 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. We got a good one for you today. Today's podcast is entitled Umning Your Part. Because blame shifters, they never grow. And this is for those of you all who are in a relationship. We want to help you own your part. When you hear own your part, what sticks out to you, sweetie?

Tabatha Claytor 1:50

I feel like there's, you know, there's two sides to every coin. There's two people in every marriage. And um, everyone usually has a part to play.

Ken Claytor 1:59

Yes, ma'am. In every relationship, you have two people. And whenever the relationship is in trouble, each person has a part to play. Uh sometimes uh it's 50-50. Like 50% of the trouble is you, 50% of it's me. Sometimes it's 80-20. 80% is me, 20% is you. Sometimes it might even be 95-5. You just married somebody that's a little ratchet and they ain't got themselves together, and it's mostly them. It was probably a bad decision, but you in it now, so you got to figure out how to do it. And that's your part, your bad decision. Yeah. Um, but but even if it's 95-5, what I've learned is that when you start talking to people and they think that it's always the other person. Like I recently had a conversation, and the person was like, Well, my wife, she don't do this and she don't do that, and she doesn't affirm me, she doesn't love me, she doesn't touch me, she doesn't hold me, she doesn't make me feel good, she don't make me feel like a man. And you're leaving that conversation like, man, it's 95% your wife, 5% you, until you have the conversation with the wife. And she's like, Well, you don't do this and you don't do that, and you've been doing this on the side. And the reason that I'm not giving you this is because you've been doing these things over here. And then all of a sudden, you realize that they both have a part to play. Yep. And bad marriages always blame the other person. They're blame shifters. It's always just, well, you didn't do this, you didn't. And then you go eye for an eye, tooth for tooth, tic-tac. It's like, because you didn't do that, now we're not gonna have sex. Because you didn't do that, now I'm not talking to you. Because you didn't do that, and you don't own your part. Good marriages own my part. See, I gotta own my part. So uh this is what I'm saying. If you're in a marriage and the marriage is struggling, no matter how much you feel like it's all your spouse's fault, you have a part to play. Today is about owning your part. You can't change them because only God can change them. You can only change you.

Becoming The Hero At Home

Tabatha Claytor 3:58

That's right. And sometimes your part is, it might be, okay, I need to pray about this. I need to cover my husband in prayer. I need to go on the battlefield of the of prayer and fight for my husband. Sometimes it could be that. Um, but I think you're really growing in your relationship and you're really growing in your marriage and as a person when it is maybe it's not your fault. I know there are some times, I mean, and both you and I can say this for our relationship, that it's just like you, you might have said something or done something that I'm just like, I don't. I know that he's just, he's just wrong on that one. And instead of being like, oh, you're wrong, and then telling you how wrong you are and making it be this big thing and not supporting you, I will step back and say, okay, I think he's wrong here, but Lord, what's my part in this? All right, I don't understand what I did wrong, but I'm gonna pray and I'm gonna cover him. And obviously he might be having a bad day. Maybe that's what's going on. Lord, let me be more in tune with what's going on in his life. Maybe I can just help him through something right now. There's always a part. Even when you feel like, oh, it's not my fault at all, they are 100% wrong. There is a part that you can play.

Ken Claytor 5:11

Yeah. And I think that I always say that there has to be a hero in the home. And my hope is that it's gonna be you. That you, who is listening right now, that you're gonna be the hero in the home. What do I mean by that? When a marriage is in trouble, when a relationship is in trouble, you can have two fools. And it, you know, there's two people that can just act foolish, you can yell at each other, you can cuss one another out, you can be unfaithful to each other. Um, or there's gonna be a hero in the home, meaning that there's one spouse who's foolish, but one person says, I'm not gonna be a fool just because you acting a fool. I'm gonna be the hero in the home, and I am going to be the one who does right till we see right. And that takes a lot of faith because basically you have to start treating that person like you want them to become, speaking over that person like you want them to become until they actually become that. But really, that's what it means to kind of that's part of like owning your part. I don't know. Owning your part to me is just like just realizing that I have a role to play in all this, you know? And so I guess what we're talking about is not being a blame shifter. How would you define blame shifting?

Tabatha Claytor 6:21

Not wanting to take responsibility for yourself, just not just no, I it it's not my fault. You put it on someone else.

Ken Claytor 6:29

It's when you avoid responsibility by placing the fault on somebody else. And let me say it again. You avoid responsibility by placing the fault on somebody else. We talk to a lot of married people who are having trouble. What percentage of the married people who are having trouble have somebody who's a blame shifter in it, do you think?

The Language Of Blame Shifting

SPEAKER_00 6:49

100.

Ken Claytor 6:50

100%. So if your marriage is in trouble, there's somebody's a blame shifter. And I know that you probably think that it's your spouse, but it's it might be you. And that's not gonna help resolve anything. You have to own your part. Right. And this is what blame shifting sounds like. Well, if you don't do this, dot dot dot. You made me dot dot dot. That's just how I am. Dot dot dot. Well, you're too sensitive. Nobody ever taught me dot dot dot. It's because of my childhood, dot, dot, it's because of my church hurt, dot dot dot. It's because of my boss, dot dot dot. What if it's just because of you? What if it's like, no, I need to grow up, I need to be more humble, I need to be more kind. I can't say everything that I'm thinking. You know, I vent too much. I murmur and complain, which is the verbiage of the demonic. I gotta come to a place where I own my part. I can't just keep blaming it to who hurt me and how I grew up and the father wounds I have and the last marriage I had, you you're blame shifting. You gotta own your part.

Tabatha Claytor 7:53

You're right. I think, you know, um, I we have children, and a lot of people listening right now, you have children. And if your child comes and, you know, they they got angry, something happened, you know, they're fighting with their siblings or whatever, and they just take your plant and throw it on the ground and it busts on the floor and you got dirt in a plant in a broken vessel, you're gonna be like, What are you doing? And you're gonna reprimand that child and you're gonna, you know, they're gonna be consequences. But if the child says, Oh, but they made me mad and they hit me and they did it, and I I just I was just upset, and that's why I did it. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what the excuses are. It doesn't matter. Somebody might have smacked them in the face, punched them, did the all, you know, it could have been the worst thing in the world. You made the decision to take that plant and knock it off the table and break it. That's on you. Yeah, you know, we tell we know that when we look at our children. As an adult, as a husband or a wife, no matter what, we made a decision to say that.

Ken Claytor 8:53

Well, it's just funny that you brought up your example as a plant. You feel like that registers with everybody?

Tabatha Claytor 8:58

Well, I have a plant sitting here on my table, and you know, I just saw it. It's anything a dish, uh, a picture, you know, a picture frame. They throw it on the ground.

Ken Claytor 9:09

You ain't gotta explain it. I'm just joking.

Tabatha Claytor 9:10

Why are you talking about my plants? Like, I don't know. Do you not love my plants?

Ken Claytor 9:14

I'm just saying, other people might not be like, oh, I get a witness with that plant.

Tabatha Claytor 9:18

Plants are wonderful. If you don't have a plant, you should have a plant in your home.

Ken Claytor 9:23

You should.

Tabatha Claytor 9:24

They give oxygen.

Adam And Eve As The Origin

Ken Claytor 9:25

If you guys were able to actually see all of our house, it's it's kind of like a jungle, a little bit. It's not a jungle, but it is it it it's not a jungle. Like it looks really nice, but there are a lot of plants around the around.

Tabatha Claytor 9:37

Plants are good for you, they make you happy.

Ken Claytor 9:42

Bible, Bible quiz, real quick. Where did blame shifting begin? Adam and Eve in the garden. Bible, Bible quiz.

Tabatha Claytor 9:51

It began with Adam.

Ken Claytor 9:52

Genesis chapter 3. Adam ate the fruit that God told him not to eat. And when God confronted him, he said, The woman you gave me. Meaning that he didn't own his part. And then Eve, all right, she comes up and says, The dis the serpent deceived me.

Tabatha Claytor 10:09

She blamed it on the devil.

Ken Claytor 10:11

She wouldn't own it. Stop blaming it on the devil. That's you.

Tabatha Claytor 10:15

The devil made me do it.

Ken Claytor 10:16

And so blame shifting is as old as humanity, and the enemy still uses it today to destroy relationship and to destroy love. Isn't that amazing? That the reason that original sin and that the world that we live in now is a fallen world, and there will be a new Jerusalem and a new world that is to come is because they disobeyed God, and the first thing they did was shift the blame to somebody else instead of owning it. Man, we got to own our part.

SPEAKER_02 10:44

Wow.

Ken Claytor 10:45

And so why is this important? It's important because if you don't learn to own your part, you're gonna self-sabotage your marriage, your friendships, your finances, your leadership, your growth, even your walk with God, because God can't heal what you don't admit. You know, there's just something powerful about just being very aware and also where you are. You know what I'm saying? Like when I get like the other day, I was a little um like, you know, frustrated with you, or like, what is it, toughy, like with you? You you you know, about the whole cold. Yeah, I was a little like, but I knew exactly right away. As soon as I said it, oh, that probably I shouldn't have said that. That was that's just too much. She just got up and I'm talking about how cold I am. And so I just don't know. Some people don't have that lever to be able to identify right away where you're kind of you're kind of out of bounds a little bit. That you you shouldn't have said that. Uh so I uh what I'm saying is that you first got to be aware enough to realize how to own your part. You gotta realize where you are to even own your part.

Tabatha Claytor 11:47

Self-awareness. And then the other part is so that was your part that you you needed to be self-aware and recognize, oh, I did I probably shouldn't have done that. Now I'm going to rectify the situation, right? Go back and make it right, apologize. But on my end, too, you're right. I just woke up. And um, sometimes, you know, I was just like, okay, well, and then I I just went downstairs. I didn't even say anything back.

Ken Claytor 12:11

20 below zero in the house, and I was just, I was up all night. I couldn't, I couldn't get warm, and I was just upset. By the time you got up, I'm like, turn this AC up. Um but here's a few thoughts. You can't repent from what you deny, and you can't mature when you make excuses, and you can't grow when you're still a victim in every story.

Victim Mentality And Relationship Damage

Tabatha Claytor 12:33

It's kind of like you just said with Adam and Eve. Eve blamed the devil. Um, she made herself a victim. When you blame someone else and you don't take responsibility, you make yourself a victim. So the snake, the serpent did not go like this with Eve's hand. Put it on the fruit, pick it, eat it. And it, I mean, he did not make her do it.

Ken Claytor 12:56

I hope you're on YouTube, but it's a very illustration, yes, with my hand. He I took your hand and I and I moved it.

Tabatha Claytor 13:02

He influenced her to do it, but it was her decision to do it. And now she's made herself a victim of the devil, a victim of the situation and the circumstance. See, I'm just a victim. Victims don't win, they stay victims.

Ken Claytor 13:15

We should do a whole podcast about overcoming a victim mentality.

unknown 13:19

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 13:19

Because there's so many people that just have a victim mentality, and you cannot be a victim and a victory at the same time. You know, there are certain political parties wants to make everybody a victim. Like there's certain um economic classes, everybody's a victim. Like you cannot be a victim and a victory. When you come to Jesus, you've been given victory through Christ Jesus. And one of the biggest things that you have to overcome is having a victim mentality. What you've been through, what people did to you. Well, everybody done been through something, to be honest. And and a lot of people done came from the ashes and have arisen to something great. Why not you? Well, you can't do it with a victim mentality. You got to shift it. And so blame shifting, it does. It leads to this victim mentality. Well, I just married too young, and I just married the wrong person. And whoa, whoa, whoa is me.

Tabatha Claytor 14:06

For everyone who says that, I can give you 10 other people that married too young, 10 other people that think they married, thought they married the wrong person, but then they turned it around and got it together. There's always someone who is willing to fight. Yeah, we love you.

Ken Claytor 14:18

We're just talking about a mentality that can hold you back.

Tabatha Claytor 14:20

But you need to hear that because some people have never heard that mentality. I just spoke to someone um very recently that this said they were getting a divorce and they were fighting and telling me why they were getting a divorce and defending themselves. But really, there was no biblical out. But they were saying, Oh, but this and that and no, no, no.

Ken Claytor 14:37

I remember what they said. They was like, well, emotional um abuse. And um they were actually uplifting emotional. Well, anybody can say that.

Tabatha Claytor 14:46

Emotional abuse is I'm not gonna say that it's not a thing because it it it, you know, it it's there, you know, because I was emotionally abused, you know, like it was I understand what that means, but this was not the case. Okay. This was I'm gonna make myself a victim because I don't want to be in this situation.

Ken Claytor 15:04

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there are people saying emotionally abused and emotionally abandoned, and they're using that like it's physical abuse and physical abandoned. And I just want you to know that when we're talking about abuse, we're talking about you getting your tail whipped and you getting a black eye and you know, stuff like that. Emotional abuse, uh, it's very subjective, okay? Um, maybe so. Like, I don't know. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's like I think that anybody, I think you you I we could have an argument and not say, well, you just emotionally abuse me. If I come home and we don't have sex for two weeks, well, I'm emotionally abandoned. I mean, let's, let's, let's, let's, I don't know about that. Emotional abuse. We can talk about it though, yeah, but I don't know about that.

Tabatha Claytor 15:40

Emotional abuse has a threat to it where you feel unsafe for your life, you feel insecure. Okay. Where, okay, I'm gonna tell you you are this and that and the other, and don't you look at me because if you look at me, I'm going to do this. Okay. There are threats with it. If you feel like you're captive in your own home, you don't do anything, it alters your personality.

Scripture And Emotional Maturity

Ken Claytor 15:59

I'm not trying to be insensitive, but I just, but the people that I talk to, I don't think it's that. Right. That that needs more counseling. Right. You know, there's certain things like I think that the three A's, abandonment, adultery, abuse. What does that mean? It could be a biblical out. You need more counseling. Right. You need somebody, two or three counselors, pastors, to hear the situation, assess the situation before you just say, I'm done with marriage. Right. You know, that's so that's just my opinion. Take it or leave it. Don't be upset with me. Proverbs 28, 13 says this whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper. But he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Talking about overcoming blame shifting. Um, to me, this means if you hide it, God can't heal it.

SPEAKER_03 16:43

Right.

Ken Claytor 16:44

Matthew 7.3, it says, Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but pay no attention to the plank that's in your own eye? And I think when it comes to marriage, it's easy to try to remove specks, not realizing you have planks.

Tabatha Claytor 16:58

Right. I think this is so important that you can be comfortable with knowing that you are not a perfect person. That doesn't mean that I'm gonna go out and sin and willfully do all of these wrong things. It just means that I am susceptible to make a mistake, which is evident every day as I have, you know, three kids and a husband. You guys can vouch for me and say that I'm not perfect. Because I might have told you to do this and I meant to say that. Just like little things. And when you understand that, now you don't feel threatened by your spouse when they come to you about something.

SPEAKER_03 17:34

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 17:35

You don't feel like you have to defend yourself.

SPEAKER_03 17:37

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 17:38

Um, because you know that you're not perfect. You don't have to stand to meet these perfect standards. And I think maybe that's what's happening in marriage. And I think we, you know, we've probably been there where it's like if I come to you and um I maybe come to you in the wrong way or something, I can make you feel threatened or make you feel like, why are you coming at me like that? And if you're not secure in who you are, you could respond the wrong way.

Ken Claytor 18:03

Yeah, so good. You know, I think that blame shifting isn't just like one area. I think if you are a classic blame shifter, it's probably in many areas of your life. Um, the marriage blame shifting is like you don't respect me, you don't love me, um, but you never ask, like, have I been harsh? Have I been neglected? Have I been selfish?

unknown 18:23

Yeah.

Blame Shifting At Work And Church

Ken Claytor 18:24

Um, then example two is like parenting blame shifting. My kids don't listen. You know, but do you model discipline, consistency, and peace? Example number three is like work blame shifting. You know, my boss doesn't see me. But have you actually grown your skill set? It's just owning your part. Example four, spiritual blame shifting. I'm just get I'm just not getting fed. I used to hear that all the time. And I'm thinking, well, we're not preaching out of the phone book here, we're preaching out of the Bible. Oh, you mean you want me to say what something that you want me to say so that I can answer the problems that you have in your life. Look, I only got 35 minutes. Go home and feed yourself. So when you come to church, it should be a confirmation, not just like feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me. Okay, are you feeding yourself? But people love to blame shift. They blame shift. Like it even in the church world, it's like you can go to church for a while. Then if you your life goes through any suffering, trouble, or tribulation, people can blame their church, blame their pastor, blame their mentor, blame. Why don't you just own your part? That'd be a lot more humble and you probably get where you want to get. We all got things that happen in life. Right. I'm not gonna start blaming everybody, especially people that's been good to me. And so why do you think like owning your part so hard for some?

Tabatha Claytor 19:38

I think it makes you come into uh kind of what you've just been talking about. You have to look at yourself. Yeah, you have to put the microscope on you.

SPEAKER_03 19:48

Right.

Tabatha Claytor 19:48

Why am I doing this? Um, and it's easier to point the finger that way.

Ken Claytor 19:54

It's easier. Yeah. It's easier for an adulterer who cheated on their spouse to say, Well, I cheated because you didn't do this and you wasn't there and you wouldn't meet my needs, and you were frigid and you was cold and you wouldn't meet my emotional needs. That's a whole lot easier than say, No, I'm an adulterer of heart. And um I stepped out and cheated because I'm unfaithful in my heart and I sinned against God. It's much easier to to blame even people blame God.

Tabatha Claytor 20:22

Yep.

Ken Claytor 20:22

Well, God wasn't there for me, so I'm doing this stuff. No, you're blame shifting it, you know.

Tabatha Claytor 20:27

But the person, and we we know many people who have done this, the person that says, I I am an adulterer, this is a problem that I have in my heart. I've sinned against God and my spouse. Um, those are the people who will receive forgiveness. They will repent, they will turn around, right? And they will they will walk with God and they will walk in the promises of God. Um, and they will no longer be an ab an adulterer because that old person will be gone, you know. But those are the people that overcome when they can do that self-introspective, you know, they can look inside themselves.

Ken Claytor 21:01

Yeah. I believe that I am where I am because of me. I'm not talking about I am where I am because of God. To him be all the glory. But that's not what I'm talking about. I am where I am because of how I believe and how I think and the decisions that I've made. So if I want a different result, I have to believe and think and speak and act differently. And I think there's there's a lot of people who say they won't own that I am where I am because of me. Okay. So if you are in a one bedroom apartment, you are where you are right now because of you. If you're in a 30,000 square foot home, you are where you are because of you, meaning that you've made good investments, you've done certain things. That's not a diss. It's ownership.

SPEAKER_02 21:46

Right.

Ten Ways To Own Your Part

Ken Claytor 21:46

And so it's not a diss because when we were in a one bedroom apartment with roaches and mice, I had to say, this is where I am, but that's not where I'm staying. So I gotta change my spending behavior. I gotta live with margin because I am where I am because. Of me. I'm in debt six figures because of me. You know what I'm saying? I got financial pain and a bad marriage because of me. I got a wife who don't know if I'm going to be out at the club taking my ring off with other women because of me. I'm just telling you, this is me. I had to deal with me. I got to look myself in the mirror and say, let me deal with me. I can't shift that towards you. I got to deal with me. And a lot of people don't want to deal with themselves, but that's the first way, first step to a breakthrough.

SPEAKER_00 22:23

You have to deal with yourself. You're going to take yourself wherever you go.

Ken Claytor 22:26

So here's some practical ways to own your part. Um if you're ready, hope you're ready. Number one is stop defending and start reflecting. Defensiveness blocks growth. So you got to stop defending yourself and start reflecting. Defensiveness blocks growth. Number two is ask this question what part of this is on me? Even if it's only 10%, own the 10%. Because it's probably more. But if you think it's 10%, at least own your 10%.

SPEAKER_02 23:00

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 23:01

Number three, replace excuses with solutions. Excuses make you feel better. Solutions make you better. I always say that excuses are nothing but crutches for the uncommitted. They pacify you, but they don't satisfy the commands of God. Everyone has an excuse. Well, I would go to church, but well, I would tithe, but I would forgive, but all of those are excuses. Do what you're supposed to do. Get your big butt out of the way. Number four, learn how to apologize correctly. Not, I'm sorry you feel that way, but no, I was wrong. Will you forgive me? Number five, stop rewriting history to protect your ego. Tell the truth to yourself. And I see this happen a lot of times. People will actually rewrite history. Rewrite what happened. Matter of fact, that's almost like a coping mechanism for pain and for blame shifting is that I'm going to rewrite what really happened. And that's why you got to be careful not to take other people's offenses because sometimes the things that people are telling you about another person, they have rewrote the story and they're presenting to you something that's not even true. Right. Seen it happen so many times. Number six, accept correction without collapsing. Correction is not rejection, it's direction. And there are people that I know that men, when you correct them, they feel like you're attacking them and actually you're loving them. And you need men, you need other men to correct you. People of God, business people, successful people, you still need to be corrected. We all need it.

Tabatha Claytor 24:35

A fool doesn't want to be correct.

Ken Claytor 24:36

But you know who you're corrected by. You're not corrected by people in the comment section.

Tabatha Claytor 24:40

Right.

Ken Claytor 24:42

Y'all stop that. Would you please stop it? Please stop yelling at people in the comment section. People don't care. It's amazing to me how you can post something on social media and then people will write you a paragraph. Like, we're gonna read that. What are you thinking? Like, successful people are not sitting around like, like, if you got enough time and you got enough energy to write paragraphs in somebody's comment, you got too much time on your hands. You really need some more purpose. You need some other things that you can do. I don't have time. Like, I can almost recall on one hand the amount of things that I've even commented. Yeah. Like if people put a video out there, I might give it like a thumbs up or a like. I might, if it's a friend of mine, be like, oh, that's really good. But I do not have the emotional capacity or the space to sit there and tell you a little bit about you, like anybody cares about my opinion. But you got to number seven take responsibility even when it's uncomfortable because growth is uncomfortable. Number eight, you got to get accountability because you cannot see your blind spots alone. You say, Pastor, I don't see that. That's right. That's why they're called a blind spot. You don't see your blind spots. Only other people can see what you don't see. All right. Number nine, you got to repent quickly. Say it fast, fix it fast. Don't take all day with this. You know, you got to go let three weeks go by. You're walking around the house. It's frigid in your house. You let three weeks go by without talking about this. No, we're gonna handle this tonight. I'm gonna repent quickly. And number 10, you gotta make changer proof. Apologies without change are completely worthless. People, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but what you gonna do different?

Tabatha Claytor 26:23

I'm sorry today, and then you do it again the next day.

Ken Claytor 26:25

Your sorry no longer has value. So not only is it an apology, it's an apology with change. And that's really what repentance is. When the scripture says repentance, it comes from a word that means to change your mind, to change your behavior. It's not just confession, it's not just saying I'm sorry, it's I'm sorry, and I'm gonna change. And so the moment you own your part is the moment your life starts changing. Any thoughts there, sweetheart?

Tabatha Claytor 26:49

Uh, I love it all. It's good. There's a lot of it about, I mean, not being a blame shifter really means taking responsibility.

SPEAKER_03 26:57

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 26:57

You have to accept responsibility. It means you are willing to grow.

SPEAKER_03 27:01

Uh-huh.

Tabatha Claytor 27:01

It means you're willing to become a better person. It means that you're willing to be humble, to bow the knee at times. Yeah. You might be right, but you still, okay, uh, you know, I'm gonna bow the knee.

Ken Claytor 27:12

Uh you know, I feel like today was one big rebuke.

unknown 27:15

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 27:16

Sometimes you're talking about it. Sometimes you need to be rebuked. Or the father loves.

Repentance Prayer And Next Steps

Ken Claytor 27:20

Who he rebukes and corrects. And so, no, it's all out of love. It's all out of love. It's all it's nothing's personal. We just know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two. Been in ministry 19 years, been walking with Jesus 24 years, married 26 years, talked to a lot of couples, and um, there's a lot of commonalities. You know, scripture says nothing new under the sun. And so we hope if you're a blame shifter, that you'll matter of fact, I would just take a moment and just under your breath say, Lord, I repent for passing blame and being like Adam and Eve was in the garden. And I renounce blame shifting in the name of Jesus, and I will own my part. And we're not trying to say you to blame for everything. That's not what we're trying to say. We're just trying to say if your marriage ain't where you want it to be, you have a part to play in it. What is your role in righteousness? Own your part and watch God deal with the rest.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

That's right.

Ken Claytor 28:15

We're out of time for today, guys, but I hope you enjoyed today's podcast. To me, this is like a must share. And so make sure that you share. Sharing is caring, and caring is sharing. If you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button. If you're on YouTube, hit the alert icon. We want you to get the first, be the first to get the content whenever it's released. We release a new episode every Thursday, 3 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. We wrote a new book. We think it's going to bless you. We really do. We have some devotionals, marriage boot camps, masterclasses. Go over to Kenantapatha.com. These are just tools and resources to help you be closer to God and closer to the people that God has placed in your life. If you're ever in Florida, come worship with us. You know, we have campuses in Orlando, Tampa, Gainesville. We have a live conference coming up in November. Get your ticket now. They're going fast. We'll see you next Thursday. Peace.