Doing Life with Ken and Tabatha

How To Heal A Broken Marriage

• Ken Claytor and Tabatha Claytor

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A marriage can look “fine” on paper and still feel dead in the day to day. If you’re living in the same house but the air feels cold, the talks are short, trust is thin, and intimacy feels complicated, we want to give you real hope and real tools.

We tell the truth about our own early years, including the season when Ken privately planned a divorce, the confusion and immaturity that made small issues feel unfixable, and how depression and anxiety impacted Tabitha’s ability to connect. We also share what changed everything: inviting God into the center of the marriage and letting Him work on us first, not just “fix” our spouse. That shift is where healing starts, because a restored marriage is built on transformed hearts, not better arguments.

From there, we get practical about marriage restoration: how to become the hero in the home, how to rebuild trust through consistent patterns instead of big promises, and how to communicate without attacking so you can finally talk about hard things without blowing up. We also dig into why many couples keep treating symptoms while the real root stays untouched, and why counseling, wisdom, and steady effort over time matter more than quick emotional moments.

We close with five clear keys to heal a broken marriage and a prayer for anyone hanging on by a thread. If this helped you, subscribe, share it with someone who needs hope, and leave a comment with what stood out most so we can hear your story.

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i...

From Divorce Plans To Hope

Ken Claytor

The first two years of our marriage, I actually had a plan to divorce her. I thought that this just wasn't the one. I thought I'd made a mistake. Thankfully, my dad gave me a two-letter prophetic word.

Tabatha Claytor

He was like, so I want to give you hope that you can't turn it around. We are living witnesses and I believe that any marriage can be turned around.

Ken Claytor

The best marriage advice that I could ever give you is love God more than you love your spouse. Because if you love God more than you love your spouse, then God will help you love your spouse appropriately. So he began to change me, and God began to change her, and ultimately it changed our marriage.

Tabatha Claytor

I went to God and I said, Lord, I tried and it hurt. Help me to be stronger. Help me to be more wise. I know that he's the man that you've called him to be. I know that he will love me like Christ loved the church. I know that our marriage is going to be great 20 years from now.

Ken Claytor

Hey, what's up, everybody? Hey everyone. Welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. I want to first off say Happy Mother's Day that's coming up soon to all of you mothers that are out there.

Tabatha Claytor

Happy Mother's Day.

The Broken Years And Big Regrets

Ken Claytor

We love you guys so very much. And um, we got a great episode for you today. You know, this is our specialty. We want to help you fix a broken marriage today. Those of you all who have a um a broken marriage, we we we we had that for many years. And there are some tools. That's all that you need are some tools. We want to pay it for today. So this is our specialty. So you're gonna want to hang out with us all the way to the end. You know, but before we get into that, I also wanted just to take a moment um to invite those of you all who are pastors. Maybe you're in ministry, or maybe you want to be in ministry. Um, we have a thing called the Global Pastors and Leaders Network. Um, if you are a pastor and you're looking for covering, you're looking for mentorship, we do a monthly mentorship call where we just try to create relationships and we just pay it forward and share everything that we've ever learned about ministry with a group of people. You'll find information about that, of course, of course, in the show notes. But we also have a leadership one day. So if you are a pastor and you want to bring your team, or if you are listening to this and you have a pastor that would really need some mentorship and covering, you can share this with them as well. That comes up on June the 8th. And uh we'll do those a couple of times a year. We hope we can see you there. All right. But we want to jump into today's um information. Okay, if you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button or the icon so you can get be the first to get the information when we release it. But today's episode is for somebody who feels like we're still married, but we're not connected. We're in the same house, but it feels cold. We're not talking, we're tired, we've been through too much, and I don't know how this can be fixed. We want to help you today. Today's episode is how to heal a broken marriage. And at the end, we're gonna give you five keys we believe that work. And so when I say broken marriage, sweetheart, what comes to mind?

Tabatha Claytor

Uh just not feeling well. You know, we've been in a broken marriage before, and um, like you said, and it didn't feel good. We felt disconnected um and a little hopeless. Uh, I just wanted to say right off the bat that if that's you and you're in a broken marriage, I want to give you hope that you it you can turn it around.

Ken Claytor

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

I believe we're living witnesses. Yes, we are living witnesses, and I believe that, you know, um any marriage can be turned around.

Ken Claytor

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

I believe that with God, any marriage can be turned around.

Ken Claytor

There's nothing too hard for the Lord. We want to help you though, um, today. Um, maybe we start right there. Yes, but where were we? So we've been married now for 26 years. But the first two years of our marriage, I actually had a plan to divorce her. And so I'm not proud of it, but I thought that this just wasn't the one. I thought that I got married too young. I thought I made some a mistake in who I married. And I believed that so much that I began to tell my dad. And I told my dad, I said, Look, um, I don't think our marriage is gonna work out. And um, she does this and she does that. And thankfully, my dad gave me a two-letter prophetic word. He was like, so. Like I said, she don't do this and she don't do that. So, like you and sometimes you need to hear that. Like you can have this long lynch laundry list of things that your spouse doesn't do, but so what? Nobody made you get on the altar and say, through rich or poor, sickness or health till death, do your part. And sometimes you just need to hear so what? Let's get over it, let's work on our team, we can get better. And so, but anyway, that's just where I was. I mean, had plans in my mind. You know, back in the day, I used to watch MTV, um, yo, MTV raps, and all this stuff, and they would have these um parties in Cancun, and there was this RB um singer that I used to have a little crush on, and I thought to myself, I'm gonna go over to um this MTV Cribs uh party in Cancun. I'm gonna meet her, and I'm not coming back to Tabitha. You know, these are all of the thoughts, and you know, I know people have thoughts like that.

Tabatha Claytor

I still don't like that story. I know you're long gone, but I just have a problem.

Depression Healing And A New Lens

Ken Claytor

But it's true, that's just where my mind and heart was because our marriage was broken. Now you can help me tell the story. To me, um, I was sexually frustrated. To me, I believe the lie that I made a mistake. To me, I I did not see how our marriage could ever get to where it is right now. To me, um I mean, I I liked you, but then you frustrated me at the same time. And so we had all of the classical stuff. I weaponized sex, and that's just dumb because you're hurting yourself, and I would, you know, I'm gonna deny you because you ain't do this for me. And I would do things, go out to the nightclub with my single friends, take my ring off, and flirt and and and be with other women that, you know, wasn't my wife just to try to get because I felt just so much pressure and I felt bad, but I came home and I felt like I wasn't getting my needs met at home. And so I was trying to meet those needs in another way. And the truth is, is I was a little boy. Yeah, and that's not what men do, that's what boys do. And I did not know how to be married because I was single so long. And that's what a lot of people they go through brokenness because they don't know how to be married. Like, I don't, I don't remember somebody defining to me biblically what a husband was. So if you don't define it, you can't fulfill it. I don't want to talk. Jump in there. What's your thoughts?

Tabatha Claytor

Uh um, I I mean, I agree. Yeah, I love what you're saying. So, you know, that's where you were when our marriage, you know, was broken. And um, so you were out and doing stuff and felt like I didn't give you attention. You know, my side was is that I was um depressed. I had been diagnosed um with severe depression and anxiety disorder for most of my life. And um, so I was trying to overcome depression and I didn't know how to function. I was taking um antidepressants, I was heavily medicated, um, and I was losing that battle with depression.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Um, and so the thing that changed in our lives is that we um got filled with the Holy Spirit and started going to a church where we found out, like for me personally, I didn't know that God could heal me of depression.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor

I didn't know. And I'm fighting this battle, but I go to church, I get filled with the Holy Spirit. I found out that now I have this power to overcome. I find out that God is a healer. And back then, depression wasn't something that you talked about. It wasn't what we know it is today. It was something that was more embarrassing, like, oh, you know, don't tell anyone that. Like you're depressed, just get up and get over it. You know what I mean? It was just like that. Um, and so I kept it a secret. I didn't tell anyone, but I said, hey, well, if God is a healer, he can heal me of depression. And so I believed God for it and he did heal me of depression. And so I get delivered from the spirit of depression, right? And here I am in my marriage, and I'm looking at you and I'm like, oh, my husband doesn't like me. Why does he treat me like that? Why is he rude? Like, I don't like this whole situation here. So now I'm examining my life. And so for me, when I got delivered from depression, it was like Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz. I was living this black and white life, robotic under heavy antidepressants. And so the antidepressant medication, you know, it's it's for whoever needs it, right? For me, it kept me from being suicidal. I was able to keep a job and go to work. At the same time, I didn't have joy, I didn't have a relationship with my husband. I just would come home and go to sleep. And so I was living in a black and white world. And then when I got delivered from depression, instantly I saw in color. It was like, whoa, this is life. Wow, what's going on? This is my house. This is I wanted to clean my house. I wanted to cook food, I wanted to live my life, I wanted to exercise, and I wanted to be with my husband. And I was like, whoa, something's wrong here. And then I started picking up the pieces, um, using the word of God, and we can get into that. But, you know, like that's where we were. That's what a broken marriage was for us.

Ken Claytor

If you were to give me like three to five attributes or however many comes to mind of what was in our broken marriage other than depression, what would it be?

Tabatha Claytor

I would say confusion.

Ken Claytor

Confusion. Okay.

Tabatha Claytor

We don't know what to do, we're confused, we don't really know who we are, what's my role to play? I don't know. Just we needed help, we needed mentorship, we needed guidance.

Ken Claytor

Okay. What else comes to mind?

Tabatha Claytor

Um I would say selfishness.

Ken Claytor

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor

Maybe concerned about our own needs and not knowing to lean into the other person's needs.

SPEAKER_03

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor

And I would say immaturity, spiritual immaturity.

Ken Claytor

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

We just don't know anything about God.

Ken Claytor

The best marriage advice that I could ever give you is love God more than you love your spouse. Because if you love God more than you love your spouse, then God will help you love your spouse appropriately. So our marriage began to turn around. Really, it had a lot to do with me living really for God. Yeah. So when I was just a carnal Christian or a Christian atheist, meaning that I have a jersey, but I'm not really on the team. Um, I'm the kind of person who believed in God but lived like he didn't exist. I was a spiritual person, but you couldn't tell any difference between me and the world. Our marriage was bad because I didn't honor her. I didn't submit to her. I didn't love her. I I didn't have the capacity because those are like spiritual attributes. So when I fell in love with God, now I honor her because I first honor God and I submit to her because I'm submitted to God and I love her because I first love God. The best spiritual advice for anybody who wants to get their marriage healed is to invite the Holy Spirit, invite God into the situation first and let him deal with you. So he began to change me, and God began to change her, and ultimately it changed our marriage. But we had all of the stuff: the fighting, like I'm not coming back no more, the threatening of divorce, the yelling, the shaking. Um, I'm not an abusive person, so I only took it to shaking. I mean, she made me so mad one time. I just wanted to just shake her, and um, I cussed at her, and I'm not a cusser. You remember that?

Tabatha Claytor

I don't remember it.

Becoming The Hero In The Home

Ken Claytor

That's just not my thing. I'm more of a lover, not a fighter. But um that I was just so frustrated, and I know people understand. Even people, now, some people they throw pots and pans and they call you out your name and they leave and they break stuff. Um, but the but even if that's not your personality, you understand what I mean to be so frustrated with a person that you don't really want anything to do with them, and you're trying to um medicate that pain through flirting with other people, um, going out with people that you shouldn't be going out with, doing things, entertaining things that you shouldn't be doing. And I guess for us, you know, some people will say, well, that's just the first two years of any marriage. The first year, oh, I hear that the first year of marriage is hard. It don't have to be like that. It don't have to be like that. There's some people that they've been in married for 15 years in your marriages like that. It really didn't have to do with the first two years, even though we say it's the first two years, it could have been year 10 through 12 or year 15 through 17 if we had the same immaturity and the same characteristics that we did. It just what it meant for us is that that's where we were back then. Right. But there are people that are listening to this, that's where you are right now. There's frustration, there's no intimacy, trust has been broken down. We want you to know that there's a better day ahead. Here's a few things that come to mind. There needs to be a hero in the home. Now, I feel like you were the first person that really began to fight for our marriage. So after your eyes were open and you're like, Man, my marriage is bad. I want to fight for it. I'm already bitter. And I'm already frustrated, and I'm already one foot out the door.

SPEAKER_03

Right.

Ken Claytor

But you became the hero in the home. And you said, devil, you can't have my marriage. So what she began to do is I think this is found in 1 Peter chapter 3 or 1 Peter chapter 5. The Bible teaches us that the husband can be won by the lifestyle of the wife. Let me say it again. Not by the many words of the wife, the nagging of the wife, the complaining of the wife, but the husband can be won by the lifestyle of the wife. So she, even when I was one foot out the door, became the hero in the home and began to treat me like the man that I would become before I was that man. She began to talk about me like the man I would become, like I was that man. And her lifestyle was prophetically declaring like who I would become even when I wasn't that.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Talk to me about that.

Tabatha Claytor

And you know, it it was hard. Um, I like, you know, so I'm seeing in color, I'm looking around, I'm like, oh, I want to go give you a hug. And I want to tell you how I'm not depressed anymore. And I want to tell you of my experience. You touch me. Yeah. And so I felt rejected and I felt maybe unloved. I felt maybe unattractive.

Ken Claytor

And what do you do with that?

Tabatha Claytor

I just decided to go to the word. And so um, I would was going to a church and they had women's meetings, and I would go to these women's meetings, and they were saying there were wives there who their husband left and came back. There were wives there, one wife where they, you know, they would get physical and fight in their relationship. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh, I can't believe this. But she testified how she believed God and he he loves God now and she loves God now, and now they're together and their marriage is great. And I'm thinking, wow, these marriages were horrible. Mine's not that bad. Surely mine can get together as well. But I heard these women who were strong, intelligent, faithful women stand up and say, you know what? The Bible says that you can believe for your husband. The Bible says that you can win him over with your lifestyle. And I was just like, okay, I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

And I just did what they did, really. And um, I would read the word, um, I would just sow, like sow and reap, and sow and reap. So I would sow good things into your life so that I can reap a harvest.

Ken Claytor

So even when I was mean, even when I was rejecting you, even when I was unfaithful, um, you would do stuff like, I mean, you started doing things like um making my lunch, ironing my clothes, writing little notes, I love you, sweetheart, on the food. And there would be times I wouldn't even eat it out of spite. Like I'm going out to Kentucky Fried Chicken and eat and be like, I don't need your food, you know. Uh because, you know, long time ago, y'all don't get upset, but but this is just where some people really are. Yeah. What is that? That's somebody who's broken and they are now lashing out at the closest person to them.

Tabatha Claytor

And you're normal.

Ken Claytor

This is normal, but it can be healed. Uh-huh.

Tabatha Claytor

And I think I understood that in the time as well. Um, because I was being well coached, you know, and I understood that, you know, some of the things that you were doing were just because you had been hurt. And I knew that. And I know here I am stepping on the scene like this brand new person. Like, hey, it's all good. Like I got saved, I got filled with the Holy Spirit. I'm delivered from depression. What is going on here? You know, and you're like, okay, well, last week you were nowhere around.

Ken Claytor

Last month. Where were you when I needed you?

Tabatha Claytor

I gave you the benefit of the doubt in all of that. And I really did believe that you were a good guy. I loved you. I believed in the person that I married, and I knew what you liked. So I thought, and the the Bible talks a whole lot about wisdom. So I searched for wisdom. Like, okay, I know he likes food. I know he likes food. I'm gonna cook his favorite food all of the time. And so every time you came home, you would have food. You would have breakfast, lunch, and dinner. There was always food in the house for you. And I know you like things neat and in order. And so I would iron your clothes, hang them in the closet so you never had to iron your clothes. You just go in, pick out a shirt.

Ken Claytor

And she was winning me, but I was acting like she wasn't.

Tabatha Claytor

Yep. Yep. But I knew that you liked this stuff. So you could act like it, you didn't like it. And I didn't, even though, you know, it's still I didn't like it that you were acting like that, but I knew that you did like it. So I kept on doing it.

Ken Claytor

Even the intimacy piece. I remember when you were trying to get our sex life back together. You put on some lingerie and kind of come out and kind of dance before me. And I'm kind of watching TV. And I'd be like, well, get out of my way. I'm trying to watch TV.

Tabatha Claytor

You just shooed me off.

Ken Claytor

Just shoot you off. This is just mean stuff. This is mean stuff. I'm not that person, but right. I want to talk to this is where your relationship is. I just shoe you off. What would you do with that? Like, get out of my way. I'm watching TV. Don't be dancing and all that. You know?

Tabatha Claytor

Well, I would do what I did. Um, I went to you, you shooed me away. I probably kind of, you know, just stood there for I tried to, you know, kind of fight with you a little bit, not fight in a bad way, but I tried to be a little persistent. And when you were just really like, no, get away from me, I left. I went upstairs. I cried because it hurt my feelings. Um hey, it's it's done now. You've made up for it, trust me. Um, but it, you know, I've cried because it hurt my feelings, but I went to God, and this is one of the best things that I learned in fighting for our marriage, is that I did not go to God and say, God, he did it again. Did you see? I tried to do this and he rejected me. Can God change his heart? God change his perspective. God, I didn't say any of that. I went to God and I said, Lord, I tried and it hurts. Help me to be strong, Lord. Help me to be more wise. I know that I'm gonna win him over. I know that he's the man that you've called him to be. I know that he will love me like Christ loved the church. I know that our marriage is gonna be great 20 years from now. We're going to be celebrating, and um, we're gonna be so happy that you know I was fighting for this marriage, which is what we're doing today. But that's how I handled it. And God honored that.

Ken Claytor

Wow. Wow. So did you come back again and do that?

Tabatha Claytor

I did.

Ken Claytor

Uh-huh. How long did it take?

Tabatha Claytor

Um, the second time, it took me one time.

Ken Claytor

One time.

Tabatha Claytor

The second time you took the bait.

Ken Claytor

Well, yeah, come on, give me some of that.

Tabatha Claytor

You cannot, I mean, and this is what wisdom does. This is what wisdom does. And sometimes I joke with women and they're like, oh, my husband's mad at me. He doesn't like me. He won't, he won't talk to me, or he doesn't want to be intimate or whatever. I'm like, just get naked and go sit in the bed. Let him come in. I mean, he's a man. So practical. Come on. He's a man. So practical. Just he's not gonna be able to resist for so long.

Ken Claytor

Not that deep.

Tabatha Claytor

I one time did that, and then the next night you just you can't, you can't.

Ken Claytor

Sex in a sandwich, not that deep.

Tabatha Claytor

Sex in a sandwich.

Ken Claytor

Good sex, good sandwiches. I'm good. Not that deep, not that deep. Um, I mean, I think the story, even though it's a little embarrassing, it's not embarrassing because that's who we used to be. This is our story.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

We've been married 26 years. That was a long, long time ago. Um, but I would say here in front of everybody, thank you for fighting for me. Um, I think the devil probably knew what we would do now and who I would become. And um, God needed a wife to be strong when I was weak. He needed someone that would not be so affected by how I was acting back then that you would just jump in with me into the flesh. You know, my pastor used to always say, It takes two fools to fight. So the word is don't be no fool. That's right. And so, but the principles that I think we're sharing, it's not just like, so you had to win me. But I think though that principle goes regardless of gender. Maybe there's a husband listening, and now you gotta treat your wife like who she will become. There's a story that just bumped in my head. Who was it that um the Lord told to go marry? That his wife was a prostitute, he said, go get her.

Tabatha Claytor

Um the woman's name was Gomer, right? And the it's a prophet, Hosea.

Ken Claytor

I think Hosea.

Tabatha Claytor

I think it was a Hosea.

Fight For Marriage Not Against Spouse

Ken Claytor

So y'all gotta check out this story in the Bible. So um the the wife was a prostitute, and so she was going around selling her body for sex. God tells him to marry her. She comes home, they have some babies, then she wants to go back to the street and go back to prostitution. And God says to go get her again and go back home. And to me, I don't know why that popped in my mind, but I think the kind of love a man is supposed to have for his wife that no matter where she is, I'm going to get her and I'm bringing her back home. So whether it's been adultery, whether it's been an affair, I want you to know that there is a better day that can come if you both want it. We've seen people have infidelity and they split, but we've also seen people have infidelity and they stay together. And it's gonna be hard and it's gonna be work, but there's nothing too hard for the Lord when both people come to God and say, God, heal me. God sustain me, teach me the part that I play and help me love and forgive like Jesus would. And I know that that story is about how God loves Israel and He would go get them from backsliding. But it was a real story about a man, a prophet, that he said, Go marry and bring that girl back home, even though she's playing a whore. That's a crazy story, but it talks about the love of God, and that's what's needed in this thing called marriage.

Tabatha Claytor

It talks about the love of God, the character of God. A lot of people don't fight for their marriage because they feel like, oh, well, I can't go out like that. I can't let them, I can't let my husband cheat on me, and then I'm just gonna go back to him. I can't let my wife cheat on me. What kind of man does that say that I am and I'm just gonna take her back? Now that says that you have the character of God.

Ken Claytor

I guess the word of the Lord that I'm hearing for somebody is you gotta contend for your marriage. Fight for it. Don't just let it go. You know, some people would fight for their foot fantasy football team more than you do your spouse. You gotta fight for what you want. You gotta contend, and it's not a natural thing. You're not fighting them, you're fighting the devil. The devil wants to kill, steal, and destroy the whole. Union of marriage. And you got to say, No devil, you're underneath my feet. You cannot have my children or my grandchildren. We will not, you know. And I love it that God hates divorce. He doesn't hate divorced people, but the institution that he brings together let no man put asunder. Right. And so you got to fight for it because the devil is fighting you. So for me, a broken marriage is when trust is damaged, communication is shut down, resentment is built up, there's emotional distance, there's no affection, there's no intimacy, there's constant fighting, constant silence. One spouse is checked out, both spouses are checked out, wounds are unhealed, and the relationship is stagnant or it's declining. You need healing, and healing is here.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

Do you feel like most marriages break down suddenly, or do you feel like it's an overtime thing?

Tabatha Claytor

Overtime.

Ken Claytor

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Definitely.

Ken Claytor

Yeah, I believe that too. It's just an overtime.

Tabatha Claytor

There's warning signs that we ignore, overlook.

Ken Claytor

I think statistically there's a year, like maybe it's year seven to year ten that statistically a lot of couples fall apart. And that's when you really got to be on your game. When whenever those statistics, it's like, oh, we've been together, the infatuation stage is gone. Now we're busy managing the kids. You know, I know that that's a point. Then there's another point, like when the kids are in high school, and there's another point when they leave. There's these little testing points, and you gotta know them so that you can overcome them.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

You know. What do you think are the signs that a marriage is broken but it's repairable?

Tabatha Claytor

That you still love the person. You love the person. I mean, it's it's love is the basis of everything. You want the marriage. Yeah. Um, do you do you want the marriage? Um do you desire it? Right. You know, at the end of the day, do you want to do you want this person being in the same bed with you at the end of the day? You know, 20 years from now, do you want to look back at your family photos and be like, oh, that was us here. That, you know, do you do you still want them around?

Ken Claytor

Yeah, you gotta fight for that. I like our history. I even like the painful parts of our history because it makes Ken and Tabitha.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

But I I don't I I mean, I love all of it. How we've overcome cancer, how we've overcome depression, how we've overcome poverty, how we've overcome betrayal, how we've overcome. That's part of our history.

SPEAKER_03

Right.

Ken Claytor

And even the bad parts of our that's part of our history. Look how far we've come.

SPEAKER_03

Right.

Ken Claytor

And everybody wants to have that history. What would you say to the person right now who's willing to fight for their spouse or for their marriage, but their spouse isn't? What would be your hope or your wisdom or your advice or perspective?

Tabatha Claytor

I would say if you're willing, God is on your side.

Ken Claytor

Because that's how much he honors marriage.

Tabatha Claytor

Yes. Yes. And if God's on your side, no one can be against you. So I would say, go for it.

Ken Claytor

Yeah, my pastor used to say that your husband or your wife's arms are too short to box with God. So a lot of times God's not getting involved because you're doing it out of your own flesh. But if you can live a life that's pleasing to God and say, God, I need you to get hold of my spouse, they cannot run from the arm of God. Right. Their arms are too short to box with God. But you got to position yourself in a place where you can get God involved with their heart. Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Yep.

Ken Claytor

And so why is this, why is this important, guys? Because if you don't heal a broken marriage, it doesn't, it doesn't stay broken, it usually gets worse. And what's scary is this, a broken marriage doesn't just affect the couple, it affects the kids, the family, legacy, the peace, the finances, the health, the confidence. And even your spiritual life can be hindered because of this. There's a scripture that says that when a husband and wife is at odds against each other, their prayers are hindered. I I learned years ago that I'm believing God for too much for my prayers to be hindered.

SPEAKER_03

Right.

Ken Claytor

We got to get ourselves into some counseling doggone. We got to get ourselves on the same page. Let's have some family meetings. I don't want my prayers hindered, you know? And so what does the scripture teach us? Um, Joel chapter 2, verse 25, he says, I will restore the years the locust has eaten. Does that mean anything to you when it comes to a broken marriage?

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah, you know, um the the years that, you know, the enemy has come in and destroyed our love, our patience, our relationship, our, you know, our foundation, our finances, our, you know, peace, joy, you know, all of those things. Um, the enemy comes in and will eat away at those things. But God says, I'll restore those things.

Ken Claytor

It tells me that God will restore even that which we feel was wasted. So some people say, I've wasted five years of my life with this person. No, God can restore that five years. Yeah. He can restore the 10 years. He can. Psalm 147 and 3, it says, He heals the brokenhearted and he binds up their wounds. And I believe that there's somebody who's with us today that's they're brokenhearted. But the good news is that God heals the brokenhearted and he binds up their wounds. Ephesians 432 says, be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another. Because that's really, if you want any marriage to be restored, you got to be tender towards one another, humble towards one another, and forgive one another. Marriage is like a test of your forgiving ability.

Tabatha Claytor

That's right. All day, every day. Little offenses, big offenses, just let them go.

Ken Claytor

And so here's a key truth. You don't heal a broken marriage by winning arguments. You heal it by rebuilding trust. And trust is rebuilt with humility, consistency, truth, forgiveness, effort over time.

Tabatha Claytor

And and you know, you don't have to win every argument. Just it's not an argument unless you decide to take it there.

Ken Claytor

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

You know?

Ken Claytor

Well, that goes off that two, it takes two fools to fight. Like you don't have to argue. You can actually be quiet.

SPEAKER_03

Right.

Five Keys To Restore Trust

Ken Claytor

You can actually come back the next day. You can actually, you know, it's just a thought. Here's five keys that work. Okay. Five keys that work. All right. Uh key number one, all right, of how to heal a broken marriage is both people must choose the marriage again. Healing begins when we decide I'm staying and I'm fighting for us. Not just I'm staying for the kids, but I'm staying because covenant means something.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah, I I like that. Um, and and it's very true, both people, except like when we just got done talking about, we were in such an immature place in our marriage when it was broken that we didn't even know, like, oh, you do you want the marriage? Well, I want the marriage, we're gonna sit around and talk about that. That was not happening. So that's when I was just like, okay, I want this marriage and I'm gonna fight for it. You know what I mean? So it is, yes, both people, that's great, but one person can initiate it.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah. Eventually both are gonna have to work on it together at some point.

Ken Claytor

But um, key number two is this learn to talk without attacking. You know, a lot of couples don't have marriage problems, they have communication problems.

SPEAKER_02

Yes.

Ken Claytor

And you can't heal what you keep screaming about.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And so some tools you can just say, help me understand. I felt blank when blank happened. Um, I'm not, I'm not your enemy. You know, saying, I'm not your enemy. You, you know, you don't have to yell and fight, I'm not your enemy, I'm your friend. Anything on that?

Tabatha Claytor

Uh, communication skills are essential. The lifeblood of the relationship. Yeah, you you won't have good work relationships. You won't have any good relationships if you don't perfect and sharpen your communication skills.

Ken Claytor

Yeah, a lot of men, they they just keep it all within. The silent treatment is like just, I was gonna say demonic treatment, but the silent treatment is it will just kill the relationship because the communication. You gotta be able to say, this is how I feel, this is how you make me feel, this is how I perceive it. Or better yet, instead of making statements, ask questions. Um, what why did you respond that way? Why do you think that about me? What's going on with you? Is there anything that I can do to help this situation? You'd be amazed what would happen if you would just ask questions. Uh, key number three is this get this one. Um, deal with the real root, not just the symptoms. Some marriages aren't breaking because of the dishes, they're breaking because of disrespect, neglect, selfishness, pornography, insecurity, trauma, lack of emotional safety, unresolved offense. If you keep treating symptoms but never address the root, it will not change.

Tabatha Claytor

That's right. We have to deal with us. We have to deal with our past offenses, we have to deal with um past abuses, past traumatic experiences. It could have been in our childhood, it could have been with family members and other people. But those things, if they are undealt with undealt with, it could have nothing to do with your spouse. You didn't even know your spouse when these traumatic events happened. But because you have unresolved issues, you're they're bleeding over into the relationship with your spouse. And you have to deal with those things. Gotta deal with it.

Ken Claytor

Key number four, rebuild trust through consistency. The hill of broken marriage, you got to rebuild trust through consistency. Trust isn't rebuilt through promises, it's rebuilt through pattern. I said I would change means nothing. I changed means everything. Trust rebuilders has transparency, doing what you said, being reliable, being accountable, protecting the marriage, and also honoring boundaries.

Tabatha Claytor

That's so good. I think we can start with trust in little things, just like, okay, um, every day, or you know, every Friday night we're gonna have a date night. You know, you can build trust within three months on that one simple principle. Oh, every Friday we we spend time together and we go to dinner or we go to a movie or we do something together on Friday nights. What are you doing? You're just that's a small seed of trust.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

Also building intimacy, relationship, all of those things. So start with something, start with some little things, and then you'll you'll get into the bigger things. Yeah.

Ken Claytor

And here's the last one key and um key number five, invite God into the healing. Um, some stuff is too deep to fix with a date night. You need God, you need prayer, you need deliverance, you need healing, you need grace. A marriage centered around God is not easily broken. Um, so the best marriage advice, like I said, that I could ever give you is love God more than you love your spouse. And if you were to be really, really honest, do you love God? Now everybody, oh yeah, I love God, I love God. He says, if you love me, keep my commandments. Do you do what he's told you to do? Do you do you do you turn the other cheek? Do you overcome evil with good? Do you have a soft answer that turns away wrath? Do you tithe? Do you give? Do you serve? All of these things are barometers to mat to measure your maturity, but fall in love with God, fall passionate with in love with God, have a fervency to your walk, spend time with God every single day. Deal with the deep parts of your heart. You know, and I really believe that when you invite God in, He what's going to happen is He's going to help you navigate all of these landmines and trauma and pain and what you guys have been through that's caused your marriage to be broken or at least stagnant. Anything else on that?

Tabatha Claytor

I I think, you know, when you're willing to do that, to do the hard work. Um, you I think you always say the hard work of the heart.

Ken Claytor

Yeah, the hard work of hard work.

Tabatha Claytor

Yes, yes. Um, that's the hardest thing that you can do, but it reaps the best benefits.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

When you get God involved, like we just said, He will restore all of the hurt, all of the pain. And I think what happens is it's just, it's like when it looks when it's so bad, but you get God involved and you put in the hard work and it becomes better. It's almost better than it was before. Yeah. It's better than if, you know, it would had started out perfect and there was never any pain. It's just like so much better. Yeah. The testimony and what God can do.

Counseling Pride And Ending Divorce Threats

Ken Claytor

So let's do this. Let's end with this. Let's end because there are people whose marriages are struggling. They're hanging on by a thread. Let's just share out of our reservoir what we would say to them to help them. Like, let this be like a counseling session. It's like us and them sitting at a Starbucks. Okay. Your marriage is broken.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

It's not going very well. You're honest about it, but you want to do something about it, right? One thing I believe you got to do is stop threatening divorce. You got to take divorce out of your vocabulary because anytime you think that there's a way out, you are subconsciously going that way. Okay. And so one thing that happened years ago, the first wedding I ever did, is the couple had already been through a couple of marriages and they decided it's going to be till death does part. In the ceremony, they brought the family dictionary to the ceremony and they went hand in hand over to the D-section and cut the word divorce out of the dictionary. And when our marriage was bad, I would threaten, leaving in my mind, it was divorce, divorce, divorce, divorce. You got to stop threatening divorce, thinking about divorce, separating um uh, you know, meditating on divorce because God hates divorce. You got to come to the place where that's not an option. So now I got to fix this.

Tabatha Claytor

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

What else comes to mind?

Tabatha Claytor

I think you have to let go of pride.

Ken Claytor

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

You have to quit, like, I don't care.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

I love you. I love my spouse, and I'm going to fight for you.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor

And you can call me stupid, and my mom can call me stupid, and my best friend can say, Oh, I wouldn't stay with them because of A, B, C, whatever. No, I don't care what anyone else has to say. There's no pride here. I want my husband. And so I'm going to fight for my husband. This isn't my husband I'm fighting for only. It's my marriage. It's my legacy. It's my children and my children's children. This is what I want. There's no pride here, and I'm going to fight for it.

Ken Claytor

Yeah. I would also say get counseling. I would say get counseling. I feel like people don't really take advantage. They might try counselor. Oh, they wasn't that good. Well, try another one. Try one until you find one. And here's counseling. You need individual counseling to help you grow in areas and help you be healed from trauma. But then you need marriage counseling to help you communicate, to help you walk through the pain together. But invest in counseling. It is more important than a new home and a new car and a trip to Dubai. I'm telling you, invest and find people who are trained Christian counselors that are anointed for that ministry and just go week after week, month after month, and just let other people in to help your marriage heal.

Tabatha Claytor

Right. I think along with that, counseling comes books. Read books on marriage. I know we have a couple of books, um, podcasts. That's why we do this podcast because don't you wish? Well, then we wouldn't have the testimony and be teaching what we're teaching. But what if back then we could have picked up a got on a podcast and just Ken and Tabitha was there telling us all of this?

Ken Claytor

You know what's crazy is like we have people from around all over the place that listen to this podcast. Okay. We love you guys. We see you in the airport, we see you in restaurants, we love you. There are people in our own church that don't listen to our podcast. And then their marriages suck. Yeah. And then they come to us, my marriage is this and our marriage is that. And we say, Do you watch the podcast? And they say, Well, I watched like a half of one, or I watched two of them. A couple months ago, I watched one. I watched one, and we say, You don't really care about your marriage like that. Yeah. Because listen, if you have financial problems, read every book on finances that you can. You're gonna become an expert in that area until you get it. That's what we did. Yeah, if you're having troubles in your health, you're reading every book I can on health because I'm gonna be wiser than the doctor. I'm gonna know my body. I'm gonna know what's what the environment, I'm gonna know what I'm allergic to. If your marriage is jacked up, you got to become an expert in the area of marriage. Read every book, every podcast, every boot camp. I'm gonna do what I gotta do. And some people don't have that tenacity. That's why I'm pointing like that. Because you got to have like a grit to this thing.

Tabatha Claytor

Go get it, go do it, make it. The devil can't have my marriage. Yes.

Ken Claytor

You cannot have my relationship. This is something that's been ordained by God and let no man put asunder, you know? And so that would be my next thing. You gotta have a backbone. You gotta have a backbone to fight for what's rightfully yours. And you can't like uh you some things that your spouse is saying, you just gotta ignore. They got a bad attitude, ignore it. They didn't do ignored. They're acting like they don't care. Ignore it for right now, and just trust God to change some of your outcome around.

Tabatha Claytor

Absolutely.

Prayer Prophetic Encouragement And Next Steps

Ken Claytor

And so, anything else you got on that? Okay. I want to pray for you guys. I want to pray for you. Um, we believe that there's no marriage that can't be restored and turned around. Okay. We know that there are biblical outs. There are certain times that you do have a biblical out for a marriage. I would only take it with counsel. And if you have a biblical out and you have to take that out, move on without guilt, condemnation, God has something better for you. But if you know in your knower that this marriage and relationship, you don't have a biblical out or it's worth fighting for, fight for it. Fight for it with everything you got. Just know that God is for you. We're gonna be here cheering you on. And in the spirit of tenacity, binge watch. Go back and listen. Because watch this. Because not every podcast we do is a marriage podcast, it's a personal growth podcast. But when you get better, the marriage will get better.

SPEAKER_02

Yeah.

Ken Claytor

It wasn't that we were just listening to all marriage things. I was listening to messages about integrity, character, and keeping my word and being discerning and sensitive to the spirit and overcoming evil with good, and all of that affects this relationship. And so when you grow, the relationship grows. But um, we want to pray for you in the name of Jesus. We pray that God restores your relationship, that you don't get weary and well-doing, because in due season you shall reap if you do not faint. We pray that there's a strengthening in your legs, there's a pulling back of your chest, there's a boldness that comes upon you right now to be the hero in the home, just like Tabitha was the hero in the home, that God will anoint you right now, to be able to know the words to say and the words not to say, to be able to create an atmosphere that you can pull your spouse into the winner circle with you. You can pull them out of carnality and darkness into light. I pray that you have the gifts of the Holy Spirit. I pray that you have the power of God, that the angels of God are encamped around you to help you win your spouse. And I pray in Jesus' name that you be healed from the hurt. The people that have broken your heart, people that have hurt you, I pray that God Almighty will heal your heart right now in the mighty name of Jesus. And I pray that you'll have a marriage podcast of your own, marriage books of your own, and a marriage ministry of your own. That he will take this test and give you a testimony just like he did with us in Jesus' name.

Tabatha Claytor

In Jesus' name. And I want to pray for the person. I just feel like there's somebody out there and your spouse, this is a woman, and your husband has um uh had an affair and everyone knows about it, but you still want to be in that relationship. You want to be with your husband because you love him and you're unsure and you're so emotional right now, but you're just looking for permission or approval. Like, is this the right thing to do? And there are people in your life that are angry at him and they want to fight him and they're like, no, you you're gonna leave him and all of this stuff, but it's your decision. And I just want to give you the permission. I want you to know that if you want the marriage, you can fight for the marriage. I want you to know that God is on your side and God is with you. And so in Jesus' name, I just pray boldness and confidence to go after what you want and what you desire. You have every right to fight for your husband. You have every right to forgive him because that's what Jesus did. He forgave you and we forgive others. You are more like God and the most like God when you decide to forgive and to love people. And so I just bless you with that in Jesus' name.

Ken Claytor

Um, I hear a Susie or Suzanne, maybe is your name. And um, some of this really bears witness with you. God is not forsaken or forgotten about you. And maybe you feel like the weight has been too much. I believe God's going to give you beauty for ashes right now, and he's gonna give you a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness, and your best days are still out in front of you. And so don't give up because God's for you, and so are we.

Tabatha Claytor

Amen.

Ken Claytor

Right? And so we just pray that this blessed you today. We're out of time. If you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button. Um, we want you to get be the first to get the content. We release a new show every Thursday, Eastern Standard Time. Do me a favor. If you enjoyed today, in the comment section, tell us why you enjoyed it. What did we speak to you? What did God show you? Sometimes your comments, they just they mean the world to us. Your emails, share your story, your testimony. It helps us, our team, just know that what we're doing is not in vain. Um, also, if you're ever in the Florida area, come worship with us at a live church. We would love to have you. We have a conference that comes up every November. Um, you can get tickets to it. Seats are going quickly. It's an encounter conference. And sometimes even the encounter with God would actually help your marriage. We would love to see you there. We got boot camps, we got books, we got tools. You can check them out at the website below. And until next week, um, be blessed, stay strong. We'll see you next Thursday. Peace.

Contributor

Ken Claytor

Host
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Tabatha Claytor

Host