How to Fight for Your Marriage Together

What if the tension in your home isn’t proof you married the wrong person, but proof you’re fighting the wrong enemy? We get real about spiritual warfare in marriage, and we start with a mindset shift that can change everything: it’s not husband versus wife, it’s two people standing together against division, bitterness, and deception.

We open up about our own early years, including the ugly patterns that too many couples normalize: resentment, the silent treatment, manipulation, withholding intimacy, flirting, and the slow drift into emotional distance. We talk about why covenant matters, why “divorce is an option” quietly erodes trust, and how spiritual maturity shapes emotional maturity. We also share why marriage mentoring, counseling, and becoming a lifelong learner isn’t extra credit, it’s how you build a marriage that lasts through storms.

Then we break down the enemy’s most common tactics and what to do about them: division through distraction and busyness, bitterness and unforgiveness that becomes a foothold, temptation and sexual immorality as a lure, spiritual apathy that cools your fire, and miscommunication that creates confusion. We get practical about streamlining life with kids, creating a safe space for honest feelings, and fighting for unity without pretending pain isn’t real. We also touch on isolation and generational patterns, because what runs in a family doesn’t have to run your future.

If this helps you, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs hope, and leave a review so more couples can find these tools. What was your biggest takeaway?

GET THE BETTER MARRIAGE BOOTCAMP HERE:

Better Marriage Bootcamp (kenandtabatha.com)

Better Marriage 90-Day Devotional:
90 Day Better Marriage Devotional - Ken and Tabatha (square.site)

DOWNLOAD THE FAMILY MEETING OUTLINE HERE ⬇️
https://www.kenandtabatha.com/pl/2148103888

📍 Join us in Florida at Alive Church — with campuses in Orlando, Tampa & Gainesville.

🎟 And don’t miss Alive Conference coming soon — 3 days that can change the next 30 years of your life!

https://redeemedevents.com/event-details/5326

Support Our Ministry: 
https://myalivechurch.org/give


Connect with us:

- Website:

https://www.kenclaytor.com
https://www.tabathaclaytor.com
https://www.myalivechurch.org

- Socials:

Instagram -

https://www.instagram.com/kenclaytor/
https://www.instagram.com/tabathaclaytor/
https://www.instagram.com/myalivechurch/

TikTok-

@Ken_Claytor
@Tabathaclaytor
@myalivechurch

Facebook-

https://www.facebook.com/PastorKenClaytor
https://www.facebook.com/pastortabathaclaytor
https://www.facebook.com/myalivechurch

- Ask us questions: 

i...

Transcript

Alive Conference Invitation

Ken Claytor 0:00

What if the next thing God wants to do in your life is waiting on the other side of the counter? One moment, one word from God, one atmosphere filled with faith, it shifts everything. A Life Conference 2026 is a three-day encounter designed to refresh your spirit, strengthen your leadership, and activate your purpose. This is November 5th through the 7th. Leaders, creatives, pastors, entrepreneurs, and just believers from around the world will gather in Orlando, Florida for powerful worship, life-changing messages, and the practical masterclasses that will help equip you for what God's calling you to build next. This is more than a conference. It's a moment to step away from the noise, to hear God clearly, to be surrounded by people who are hungry for more, and to leave empowered to walk boldly into your next season. Fresh vision, deeper faith, healing, breakthrough, clarity for what's next. A Life Conference was created with you in mind. And we believe that what happens in these three days could change the next 30 years of your life. You don't want to miss what God's doing at Alive Conference 2026. Join us this November here in Orlando. Head to aliveconference.org to register now. Hey

Why This Conversation Matters Now

Ken Claytor 1:12

everybody, before we jump into today's episode, we wanted to bring back one of our most watched conversations on doing life with Ken and Tabitha. This episode really connected with so many people, and we believe it still has something powerful to say today. So whether you're watching it for the first time or revisiting it again, lean in and enjoy this episode. A plan of the enemy is to use bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment. Um, Ephesians 4.26 says, Don't let the sun go down while you're angry and don't give a place to the devil's foothold. And so conflict is normal. And actually, it should be a little bit more embraced than it is. Like we're pretty strong personalities, which there's going to be conflict at some point. It's your job. There's probably going to be conflict. So it's not like conflict avoidance. It's like, how do you have tools? So when there's conflict, it doesn't escalate to the place of disrespect, dishonor, and tearing each other down. But I think sometimes we go through things in our relationship, and then there's this resentment and this undertone, betrayal, like unforgiveness thing that we carry, and it's the plan of the enemy to tear it apart. Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha. So pumped to have you join us, be a part of our family here. And of course, we got a great episode for you today.

Spiritual Warfare In Marriage Framed

Ken Claytor 2:35

Um, before we jump into today, because we're going to talk about spiritual warfare in marriage. You know, there are some of you all who are married and you are in a fight right now, and you're fighting with each other, and you're not fighting the devil. And we need to give you some equipment today to make sure that you fight the right enemy. Yes. Um, Tiffany wrote in and she says, You are both such a blessing. When I came across your podcast on YouTube, my marriage was not in a safe place. I believe God placed your podcast and my life for such a purpose, purpose of strengthening my marriage. We are in such a good place because of you guys. I am forever grateful to our Father God for sending Ken and Tapitha Clayton my way. Thanks, and God bless you. Oh, Tiffany, we love you. Thank you so much for um for writing us. Hey, that means the world to us if this podcast is a blessing to you. If you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button, hit the hit the follow, hit the icon if you can. And also, if it's been good to you, make sure that you email us, um, write a review, share your story with us. Just know that your comments, um, they do mean the world to us. Absolutely. And they are also a blessing to other people. Before you say I do, you should ask the question, do I?

Tabatha Claytor 3:44

Storms are going to come. Since they're going to come, you need to know what to do when they come. You need to be prepared.

Ken Claytor 3:52

We want to pay for the tools that you need to have a successful relationship.

Tabatha Claytor 3:56

This is the time that you say, Am I doing the right thing? And when you decide that you're doing the right thing, you will know it at year five, at year ten, at year thirty.

Ken Claytor 4:06

You'll be able to go back and say, No, I entered into this. But I gotta learn to love what God loves and hate what God hates. God hates divorce. And you gotta put it in your heart right now. This is gonna be something that we hate.

Tabatha Claytor 4:22

The Bible also calls marriage a holy institution.

Ken Claytor 4:25

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 4:25

And so this institution that we enter into, it is holy. Yeah, it is to be upheld.

Ken Claytor 4:31

Yeah. Satan hates anything that God's established. God's established marriage, he's established family. Satan wants to do everything he can. So if you think that you're fighting now, you're gonna fight a whole lot later. What we've done over the last 25 years is we've done everything together. Together. Because there is power in agreement. We're just asking you to get eyes wide open. If we don't put God in front of this relationship, it might not be built to last. I want to jump into today, sweetheart, because I believe we know a little bit about this.

SPEAKER_04 5:04

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 5:04

You know, Tabitha and I, we've been married for 26 years. Always joke and say it's been the best 24 years of my life. The first two years was really bad. I had a plan to divorce her, and um, I didn't think that our marriage, did you think our marriage was gonna make it?

Tabatha Claytor 5:20

I did. I don't think I had enough depth in my thinking to to think past, you know, like where we were. But I I did. I don't think I was like, oh, you know, our marriage is gonna fail.

Ken Claytor 5:32

Uh-huh. Did you you never thought that at all? Never thought that.

Tabatha Claytor 5:35

I don't remember thinking those thoughts. Um, I think I was more into thinking, man, am I gonna be able to like get up for work in the morning?

Ken Claytor 5:45

Okay. Kind of thing. Well, that's a whole story. Maybe we'll unpack all of it today. Yeah. Um, but here's the deal. We've been married 26 years and we're best friends now. And it's not that our marriage is perfect. We have the same struggles and challenges today in some regard as we had back then, but we just deal with them completely different. As it relates to the temptations, the disagreements, the different perspectives, um, the tools of communication.

Covenant Mindset And Hating Divorce

Ken Claytor 6:10

And I'll just give you a bunch of answers right from the beginning. Number one, you need a marriage mentor. You really do. Every single person, it don't matter really how long you've been married, you should be reading a book about marriage, listening to a podcast on marriage. You know, marriage is the one thing that it's like when I get you, I got you, and then I'm gonna go work on something else.

Tabatha Claytor 6:28

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 6:28

And that shouldn't be.

Tabatha Claytor 6:29

Marriage and parenting.

Ken Claytor 6:30

Uh-huh. It's like I had a kid, and then there's no instructions. It's not a good thing. No, there's no instructions.

Tabatha Claytor 6:35

You know.

Ken Claytor 6:35

But for marriage specifically, it's almost like, especially for a guy as a chaser. So as a man, it's like, man, I want to get with her, and I'm giving you my best. I'm talking about I'm figuring out your favorite perfume, I'm figuring out your favorite place to eat, I'm figuring out everything that you like. I do all this to get you. And then after I get you, I say, I got her. Subconsciously, I don't really say that, but what I do is then I go chase the career, chase success, I chase another endeavor.

Tabatha Claytor 7:03

Check that off the list.

Ken Claytor 7:04

I chase something else. And marriage is one of those things that you can't be like, I got her, or I got him. It takes a consistent, continual investment to go from one level in marriage to another level of marriage. So back to my original advice, we all need a marriage mentor. Um, you can there's some mentorships through podcasts, and we believe we've we've created this community. You know, we don't know everything. And actually, we actually enjoy showing our sharing our pain with you and our mistakes with you because to me that's a great form of mentorship. If somebody can be transparent enough to share their mess, it can really teach me what to do, but more importantly, what not to do. And so we look at ourselves as like marriage coaches and marriage mentors, and but you need a marriage mentor, um, even somebody who's in your church. You know, okay, we got a podcast here, but even closer, somebody that you can sit down with, counseling. You need somebody that you can say, you know what, I like their relationship. What do you do in your relationship to to how have you been together for 40 years? How you know, I just love, I want to learn.

SPEAKER_04 8:03

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 8:03

I want to learn. So if you are a life learner, let us know in the comments because you know, we're here for those who want to learn. They're they're you know they're cultureable, they're teachable, and all that stuff. But anyway, our story, we've been married for 26 years, and the first two years was pretty bad. Um, I have my perspective of why things was bad. I'll give you what I think the problem was. I think the first two years of our marriage, um I feel like I didn't have a mindset that you were the only one for me. Meaning that, like, if divorce came about, maybe it came about. You know, if it didn't work out, well, I'm young, maybe I can start again. I didn't have an understanding of covenant. So, you know, if you're a boyfriend and girlfriend, if it don't work out, you just move on. And people come into the marriage and they still haven't twisted that knob. They stand on the altar and they say, rich or poor, health, sickness till death do its part, but even though they say it, it don't mean they mean that. And I can honestly say looking back that I said it and from my my mind as a young man, I kind of meant it, but then again, if it got too bad, meaning that I didn't hate divorce. Yeah. See, one of the things you you have to do is begin to hate what God hates and love what he loves. And the Bible says that he hates divorce. He doesn't hate divorced people. If you've been through a divorce, there's a second chance. Life goes on, there's no condemnation to them that are in Christ. Sometimes you just gotta move on to, you know, it's okay. I mean, if it was a mistake, you move okay. There's a new chapter here. I guess what I'm saying is, but now I'm gonna position myself to hate divorce. And so divorce for us is not an option. So that was my my problem. Um, also, I think that I didn't love God like I should love God. I knew about God, but I didn't know God. I was a spiritual person, but I didn't submit myself to his word. Um, and so it was impossible for me to love you if I didn't love him, and I couldn't honor you if I didn't honor him, and I couldn't be faithful to you if I wasn't faithful to him. Everything changed for us when I started to really submit my life to the fullness of Jesus. What he said, that's what I'm gonna do. Right. Those are a couple things. Anything what comes to your mind?

Tabatha Claytor 10:18

I mean, I think what you're expressing here is spiritual maturity.

Ken Claytor 10:21

Uh-huh.

Tabatha Claytor 10:21

And I think marriage is for spiritually mature people.

Our Early Marriage Breakdown Story

Tabatha Claytor 10:25

Not that you have to be like reach a certain level, but there should be a certain spiritual awareness that we have as believers, as man and woman coming together, entering into a spiritual covenant, a spiritual relationship. Um, and I think that most people who get married don't and don't enter in as spiritually mature people, meaning that I am um, I have a relation, a relationship with God. I understand the kingdom of God. I understand that I am a spirit, I have a soul and I live in this body, I understand that everything I see is only natural, but there is a whole world, a whole unseen realm that is more real than what we can see. And if we don't understand that, that um we we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities, if we don't understand that um, you know, this this unseen realm um is so real, um, I don't know. I just feel like we enter into marriage and then marriage being a spiritual transaction, right? We enter into kind of a war that we're not equipped to fight.

Ken Claytor 11:41

Well, that's the realization. So this is what we you gotta hear. This marriage is God's idea. And marriage is the one relationship that shows the world how much Jesus loves the church. So the church is actually called the bride of Christ. So when a man and a woman, the two become one, the reason that Jesus says, Love your wife like Christ loved the church and gave himself for it is that Jesus understands that when a man loves his wife that way, is the closest picture that we can show the world of how much Christ loved the church. So the marriage picture and Jesus and the bride are very closely intertwined. Now, the reason that there is spiritual warfare, and if you don't understand warfare, marriage is God's idea. Family is something that's important to God. Um, the foundation of the family, especially with the men being in the house, okay, fathers need to be in the home. Okay. Marriages need to stay together. The reason that the enemy attacks it at the root, because if you can take the man out of the house, you can throw off the children. If you can break up the marriage, you can throw off the family. Come on. If you can throw off the family, you can throw off the nations. You can literally shift the entire culture by just attacking the core of that which God's created. So when you get married, like when you're dating, you don't have a target on your back like that. Right. I'm talking about people can date for 15 years, live together, but when you say I do, you've now entered into a spiritual relationship that Satan hates because God instituted it. That's right. And because Satan hates it, there is demons that are released to destroy your marriage. Now, that's why the marriage rate is like at 50%, because a lot of people are in a battle and they don't even know they're in a battle. Then there are some people they in a battle, but they don't know how to use their weapons to fight in a battle. Right. You should be glad you listened to this podcast today. Because we're going to help you realize that as a married person, that you are in a spiritual battle, and the weapons of your warfare are not carnal. They're not natural, but they're mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds. And if you want to win in the battle of marriage, you have to understand how to use the weapons that are spiritual weapons that God has given

Marriage Mentors And Ongoing Growth

Ken Claytor 13:55

you to win a spiritual battle.

Tabatha Claytor 13:56

Yeah. It's so good. You know, so I think about these weapons. I mean, I think about the tactics of the enemy that he uses to drive apart, to tear apart marriages. I think the number one thing would be, and I'm not, I just, I'm just gonna say, like, I think is division. Because if you divide, you can conquer.

SPEAKER_04 14:14

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor 14:14

And so what he does is he turns husband against wife, wife against husband. We point the finger to each other, Adam and Eve, in the garden. We blame each other for whatever's going on. But you know who the real culprit is? The one who started it all? The enemy, the devil, Satan himself. And so um, in marriage, you know, one of the tools of overcoming in marriage is standing united together no matter what. Like, okay, you get on my nerves, okay, we disagree, or you know, but I still love you. We're still united. We're still standing together. That nothing is going to separate us and our unity together.

Ken Claytor 14:55

So let me say it this way: it's not me against you, it's us against the devil.

Tabatha Claytor 14:58

Yes. All right, let's say it again.

Ken Claytor 15:00

It's not me against, it's not husband versus wife. Right. And in some people's home, that's how it feels. Right. They you've created a culture where it's man against woman, and it's never man against woman, husband against wife. It's it's us, the claiters against the devil. Right. Whoever you got, whatever your family name is, it's you against the enemy, and you got to keep the enemy underneath your feet. But when you're immature, the enemy plays off of your feelings.

SPEAKER_03 15:23

Come on.

Ken Claytor 15:24

Your trauma that you have not resolved, your misconceptions, unforgiveness, bitterness. He will use all of your all of your immaturity to make you attack the person that you said you would love for the rest of your life. And that's where we were. And that's why our marriage marriage was headed for divorce. I was so serious about this. I told my dad, I said, I'm going to divorce her. And um, you know, I start preparing family members, you know. I felt like I made a mistake. Like we got married too young. I felt like I married the wrong person. Wow. You know, I felt like, you know, we got married young. I think you were 23 and I was 21. And it just felt like, okay, I made a mistake. All my single friends are out there and they're having a good time, and here I am trying to drag you along in life. And you were battling depression in those days, and I didn't know how to deal with a woman who wouldn't get out of the bed, and then, you know, you wasn't there for me, and then because you weren't there for me sexually, then I get more frustrated, and then I begin to hold hold away. So we did all of the classical dumb stuff that you can do in marriage, and I just want to call it what it is. Because if you're doing this stuff, it's just dumb stuff. You're just hurting yourself. That's dumb.

Tabatha Claytor 16:28

It's stuff we tell our kids not to do.

Ken Claytor 16:29

I'm gonna weaponize sex. Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna withhold from you like that's gonna help me. No, that's dumb.

Tabatha Claytor 16:35

Right.

Ken Claytor 16:35

You weren't on the same page for me.

Tabatha Claytor 16:36

Right. Yeah. I'm talking about because you all the dumb stuff that we do, like arguing, fighting, disagreeing, you know, yelling at each other, not being kind to each other, rolling your eyes, having a bad attitude. I mean, we tell our children don't do that, but we're over here acting like two-year-olds to each other, and we're grown people.

Ken Claytor 16:54

So uh

Marriage As A Spiritual Battle

Ken Claytor 16:55

the silent treatment did a lot of that. You know, that's where you just don't talk to punish the other person. It's really a form of manipulation. There would be times I would leave the house and I'd be driving around like I'm not going back, I'm not going back. I mean, I'd be so upset, just so frustrated, I'm not going back. I would go out with my single friends, take my my wedding ring off. Wow. You know, go have a good time, then drag going back home, you know. Um, so weaponizing sex, salent treatment, um, manipulation. Um, what else was there? Uh Lord, flirting with other women, you know, being with other women in an appropriate way um long time ago, uh really, really wrong. All of those things are what we call um toxins, poisons that destroy relationships, it really kills it. And and you know the thing about it is that all of those things are the opposite of the vows that I took.

Tabatha Claytor 17:43

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 17:44

And what I see and what marriage is all about.

Tabatha Claytor 17:46

It sounds like you were angry. Were you just angry and trying, oh, I'm just gonna I'm gonna show her, I'm gonna go out and do this. Was it anger?

Ken Claytor 17:52

Yeah. Wow. You just now realizing that?

Tabatha Claytor 17:55

I just like, yeah, I'm like, wow, because you were doing all that stuff and I had no idea.

Ken Claytor 17:59

Yeah. A little bit of anger, a little bit of resentment, and this is what's in homes today. Yeah, yeah. Just a little bit of anger, a little bit of resentment, a little bit of blame shifting. You know, there are there are married people today that they don't like where they are in life, so they blame who they married.

Tabatha Claytor 18:14

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 18:14

They blame them that they didn't go to school, they didn't take the job, they just blame them. Because many times what you do is you just attack the person that's closest to you. So when you don't like who you are, you kind of deflect the responsibility of what you're experiencing onto somebody. And the easiest culprit is that person that's called your wife or your husband. And it's so sad. Yeah. The person that actually took your last name that you share a bed together, that's the person that you attack the most. Oh no, just let's just talk about it for a second. I mean, there's nothing new under the sun. It's true. Same stuff.

Tabatha Claytor 18:46

I was just thinking because I'm like, wow, you know, what could we have done different in that time? Because you were out and it seemed like you were angry and you were just kind of stirring up this huge, kind of like a growing ball of just whatever anger. And you were just growing and growing and growing in that anger, doing all of these things. And I was at home, probably just growing in depression, you know, didn't really see a way out. I was stuck. I'm like, what would we have done different? I probably think we we would begin with communication. We would begin with really sitting down and talking to one another and you saying, Hey, this is how I feel. But really being open with your, you know, opinions. Um, you know, I think it probably would have been a start. Uh, because even though I was depressed, um, I still, you know, I still loved you, I still cared, I was still pretty smart, you know. I was just battling with this depression. It could have at least opened up my eyes to see where you were. Um, because I had no idea.

Ken Claytor 19:46

But can we talk about that for a moment? You know, I love telling our story and I try to be really real with making me seem like a horrible person. Um, you don't articulate yourself that way. But I've heard you say this in conferences before, just to make sure the hearers understand balance.

Tabatha Claytor 20:01

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 20:02

You're because people will hear it like you're such a bad guy. She was depressed. Why didn't you help her? But how that person feels when they're immature is that I've been abandoned. Absolutely. You're not there for me. You're not even talking to me, you're not having sex with me, you're not doing anything that a wife is supposed to do. So let's, let's, let's, just, let's just try to, and I think that's the thing. I think sometimes people take sides. What I've always tried to do, even politically, is I want to hear the other side. And then I want to hear this side, and then I want to make an informed decision. So, yes, I was bitter, I was angry, I was resentful, I was unfaithful, I was wrong. Right. But it wasn't just because you wasn't do you had no part to play in it at all.

Tabatha Claytor 20:39

Yeah.

Unity Versus Division And Busyness

Tabatha Claytor 20:40

Um, absolutely. And I think it wasn't just so for me, I was sick, I was depressed. But there are other couples who go through cancer, they go through major life challenges, health challenges, and the where one of the the spouse is just kind of incoherent. This the spouse is really, you know, struggling. Um, and that other spouse, the one that's left to take care of the kids and the family and pay the bills and go to work and do everything, you can feel abandoned. You feel even rejected at times, like you are alone and you saw you got married to live life with this person, but now all of a sudden, like you're alone, and you have to face those those those feelings.

Ken Claytor 21:20

I don't want to get stuck there. I would say that that was a long time ago. That was 24 years ago. And since then, we've gone through battles where I've really I've been able to show well. Um those people need help, they need ministry. And I think it's important that you say, you know what? I had a uh a spouse die. I've been caring for a spouse for three or four years. I didn't expect that. I need counseling, I need that's a traumatic event. Right. And so I think there's a little grace, but there's also like a okay, what can I do to help overcome uh you know, kind of get through that?

Tabatha Claytor 21:55

The point is it's not an excuse to do wrong. It's not an excuse to do wrong. Number one. Right. Um and Number two, there is every chance in the world to change your situation and overcome.

Ken Claytor 22:06

Right, right. So here's a few things that we've learned about marriage over the years. Number one, marriage's God's idea, family's God's idea. Um, and this is why Satan fights it so hard. We said that. Um marriage is not just a contract, but it's a covenant. And um, when I was immature, I didn't realize that this was a covenant. Um, God brought this together, and so divorce is not an option. We got to work this out. Covenant relationships are God is at the center of it. You mean that it's a God-centered agreement. Um, marriage is for the mature, it's not for the immature. So if you're not married and you're dating and thinking about marrying somebody, you got to figure out is this post person spiritually mature? Right. And that's what I wasn't. Emotionally mature, that's what you wasn't. Those two things together are recipe for disaster. Right. So it's for the mature, it really is. And if I would say if you're dating somebody immature, wait till they grow up.

Tabatha Claytor 23:00

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 23:00

Just wait. You're gonna save yourself some drama.

Tabatha Claytor 23:02

Absolutely.

Ken Claytor 23:03

Um, marriage is a spiritual relationship, it's not just a natural one. Okay. Um, and number five, not everything you see is not everything there is to be seen. And so Ephesians 6 and 12, listen, it says this, for we don't wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, powers, rulers of darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness and heavenly places. Therefore, take up the whole armor of God that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all to stand. Stand, therefore, having gird your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace, above all, take the shield of faith, which will be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked one, take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God. So I want to give you um some things to really help out our viewing audience and those who are listening to really help you win in war and to win in the spiritual battle that inevitably is going to be a part of every relationship. And I kind of want to expose by giving some tactics of the enemy. These are common tactics of the enemy. So the Bible says that there's nothing new under the sun. So the reason that we share a lot of our stuff that we've been through is because we know there's a whole lot of people going through the same. You know, the battles that we face, you can put a different name, a different day, a different label on it, but it's pretty much the same. So the good news is in a community that's transparent, you can share your battles. Tell us, I mean, in your comments, what are you going through? How are you overcoming it? But here's just some common tactics that we've seen from our relationship, other couples that we've helped, and um we want to help you avoid them. Number one is going to be division through distraction and busyness. Division through distraction and busyness. You know, Mark chapter 3, verse 25 says, A house divided against itself can't stand. So one of the tactics of the enemy is to simply get the wife to turn on the husband and the husband to turn on the wife. He'll use anything that he can. He'll cause the wife to have a best friend that she goes to more than she goes to her man. He'll cause his man, the man, to want to go to the YMCA and play basketball or with a bunch of bearded dudes more than go to his wife. He will use distractions, past trauma that's been unresolved. He'll use anything that he can to get us distracted, busy, so that we will divide.

Tabatha Claytor 25:19

Busy. How about those of us with children?

Ken Claytor 25:22

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 25:22

You know, soccer practice, track and field, ballet, dancing, ninja warrior training. I mean, we have done so much, right? Those are all us. Band, uh, you know, work praise and worship, you know, like all of these things. And it's like, okay, well, you have to go do this, and I have to go do that. And at the end of the day, we're just spent. Yeah. And we've been so busy that it's like we don't have time to get to know one another.

Ken Claytor 25:50

So what's the answer then?

Tabatha Claytor 25:52

I think the answer is to streamline your life. Yeah. Priority. As simple as you possibly can.

Ken Claytor 26:02

Yeah, you don't have to go to every event, have your kids in every sport. Tear up your family. Yeah. Tear up your men.

Tabatha Claytor 26:08

Like we have a daughter now. Um, she has a track meet today. Um, it's in the evening. Um, they're traveling too, and they won't be home until 9 30 at night. We have to go and pick her up tonight. When is that? You didn't know, you don't know that. But um, yeah, we have to pick her up at 9 30 tonight at the school. And I told her yesterday morning, I said, baby, I know you have a track meet. Um, and I'd always remind her. I've told her this before, but I remind her, I'm like, hey, we will be there anytime you want us to. So just, you know, just so you know, we'll be there. Is there any track meets coming up that you want us to be at? And um, she was like, No, I really don't care, mom. You know, just at districts and regionals and things like that. Then I want you to be there. And I was like, okay, babe, you know, got it. But that is a way of like communicating with our children. Hey, mommy and daddy, we can't be at every single game. I mean, we would like to, but we can't. Tell me which ones you would like me to be there for. And it just helps us.

Ken Claytor 27:03

It does. There's a lot of parents that feel like they got to be there for every single thing. But if you get a whole lot of kids, that becomes extremely hard and to still be sane. So you can ask your kids a question because some of them don't care. Some of them don't even want you to be there.

Tabatha Claytor 27:17

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 27:17

You know, we got a daughter, she don't really want us to be there. And I'm like, well, I ain't gonna come if you don't want me to be there. I got a bunch of other stuff I could do. But you would see that it creates a um a conversation that's healthy. But I think we could just stay on this one forever because the division piece is huge. Um, because with division, the reason there's division is because somebody's not bowing the knee, somebody's not submitting, somebody, there's a leadership, there's a communication issue, fight for unity.

Bitterness And Forgiveness As Weapons

Ken Claytor 27:40

Here's the second tactic is bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment. That's a huge plan of the enemy is to use bitterness, unforgiveness, and resentment. Um, Ephesians 4.26 says, Don't let the sun go down while you're angry, and don't give a place to the devil's foothold. And so conflict is normal. And actually, it should be a little bit more embraced than it is. Like we're pretty strong personalities, which there's going to be conflict at some point. Um, it's your job. There's probably going to be conflict. So it's not like conflict avoidance, it's like, how do you have tools? So when there's conflict, it doesn't escalate to the place of disrespect, dishonor, and tearing each other down. Um, but I think sometimes we go through things in our relationships, and then there's this resentment and this undertone, betrayal, like unforgiveness thing that we carry, and it's the plan of the enemy to tear it apart. It really is.

Tabatha Claytor 28:40

Forgiveness has to be something that you just let go all day, every day. Yes. Like one of the someone came up to Jesus Jesus and said, Well, how many times should we forgive? Right. Um, and Jesus basically said, All day, every day. More or less. If we paraphrase it. Yeah. Um, but that just has to be something that we just choose to live a life still.

Ken Claytor 28:59

It's almost like before you get married, they should actually you should actually have a class, a forgiveness class, and just be taught how you're gonna have to forgive and then forgive, and it forgive, and forgive, and forgive. And you know, there's a um 1 Corinthians 13 talks about the agape love of God. And one of the definitions of the agape love of God is that it keeps no records of a suffered wrong. Right. And if you're the person that as soon as you get in an argument, you go back five years, well, you did this and you said that and remember how you was. I mean, I couldn't imagine if you're bringing up stuff like I was I was not like 23 years ago, I was not who I am today. Right. But if you keep bringing that back up, and that's 23, 24 years old, that's just crazy.

Tabatha Claytor 29:40

The problem is it's weighing you down, not the not your spouse. Unforgiveness. You know, yeah, unforgiveness is weighing you down.

Ken Claytor 29:45

It really is.

Tabatha Claytor 29:46

You're the one with all that junk in your trunk and all the baggage. The other person has moved on, they're living their life. And so you've got to forgive.

Ken Claytor 29:53

It would be different if we didn't need forgiveness ourselves. Right. You know, it would be if we were perfect and the person we married was not perfect, right? Then we might have we might have reason to hold on to something. But the fact that we've been forgiven a whole lot, the Bible says now you gotta forgive a whole lot as well.

Tabatha Claytor 30:08

If you were perfect, you wouldn't have married that imperfect person because you would have seen their perfect imperfections in the first place and said, This ain't the one from me.

Ken Claytor 30:15

Well, you would have just married yourself. I think that's what a lot of married people they should do. They just they should just marry themselves. Give yourself a ring and just stay single. No, I'm just playing.

Temptation Apathy And Real Communication

Tabatha Claytor 30:25

Don't give people ideas.

Ken Claytor 30:26

Uh number three is temptation and sexual immorality. It's a tactic of the enemy.

Tabatha Claytor 30:30

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 30:31

You know, John 10 10 says that the thief comes to steal, to kill, and destroy. And in our day and time, one of the ways that he does that is that if you're married, he wants to put somebody else in your life that has the qualities that your spouse doesn't. And then he uses that to lure you away. That's what temptation is by definition. It is a lure. Just like if you go fishing, you're using a lure to lure fish to yourself. Satan uses a lure. So it would be somebody who has some muscles that your husband doesn't have, has a job that he doesn't have, um, vice versa. You know, that that person is more spiritual, and I just don't get this at home. And then Satan will make sure to put somebody in your life that meets a need that really God is the only one that can meet that need. So we got to come to the place where we don't give in to temptation and sexual immorality.

Tabatha Claytor 31:18

Wow. That was a mouthful.

Ken Claytor 31:20

Number four would be spiritual apathy or disconnection. Okay, spiritual apathy or disconnection. Um, this is just a tactic of the enemy where one or both spouses may feel spiritually dry, distant from God, discouraged. Yeah. And I think that there are too many people you believe in God, but you haven't come to the place where you live on fire for God. Or you've not come to the place where you can live on fire for God through all of the different seasons of life. Stuff puts out your fire. You're excited about God one day and then unsure the next day. You live your life on this way, and that really affects your marriage because it's a spiritual thing. Yeah. You gotta stay in the word. You gotta stay built up spiritually. And there's not a lot you gotta do. Go to church.

Tabatha Claytor 32:08

Right.

Ken Claytor 32:08

Read the Bible, hang out with other people who got a good relationship with God, get junk out of your life. Okay, do that. Right. And go through the different seasons and let God grow you. It really will be it's a tactic of the enemy, apathy, spiritual disconnection.

Tabatha Claytor 32:21

Grow through the seasons, grow through life, don't just go through life.

Ken Claytor 32:25

Yeah. Number five, the fifth tactic will be miscommunication and misunderstanding. You know, 1 Corinthians 14, 33 teaches us that God is not the author of confusion. And uh, once again, before marriage, you should have a forgiveness class, then you should have a communication class where you can just sit down and talk about because talking is not communication. Communication is what have I said was what I said understood, and then what they said back to me, did I understand them? And it's this understanding, it's not just talking. And you know, many times married people we we talk over each other, but yeah, I think there's a lot of married people that their marriages are suffering just because they don't know how to talk about their fears, their deep feelings, their past, their vision, where they're going, how they feel about it. And if we could just become like experts, I would tell you take next, take like the next 90 days, read everything you can on just how to communicate effectively.

Tabatha Claytor 33:21

Communication. And I think we have to truthfully communicate. I think a lot of people get into arguments and they're arguing about something, and that's not even the reason why they're arguing. Yeah, you're just talking around an issue, but there's a root to this argument, there's a root to the issue. Like you're arguing over, you know, trash on the floor, but that's not really. I mean, that that's not a big deal. Why are you really arguing?

Ken Claytor 33:45

What do you think the argument is instead of trash?

Tabatha Claytor 33:47

I I think sometimes it's unforgiveness, bitterness, something that you said. Well, you said this to me last week, and I can't believe you said that. I felt like this, and you said it in front of everyone. That's an unresolved issue. You know, you got your feelings hurt, or maybe something was said and you were wrong, and you didn't even address it. You didn't even, or you talked about it and didn't really truthfully communicate how it made you feel, how you're still, hey, I'm still, we I know we talked about this, what you said last week, but I'm still upset about it. And I know you asked me for forgiveness. I know that it's wrong for me to feel this way, but I just I don't know why, but I'm just still upset. Can you talk with me? Help me through this. Maybe, you know, I just need there are times that I'll come to you and you come to me, baby. I'm wrong. I know this, but here's how I feel. This is my perspective. And then you come, you're like, well, you know, acknowledge, man, I I hate that you feel that way, but can I tell you the word? Can I build you up? Can I tell you what God says?

Ken Claytor 34:48

Like, I don't know, last week or something like that. And I actually thought that the way that you felt was I didn't understand why you felt that way, but I did speak to it. Yeah. No, don't look at it like this, look at it like this, and you left feeling better. I left feeling a little confused, like, why would you even feel that way? But I think that's just part of this communication piece.

SPEAKER_01 35:06

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 35:06

And it's just like, and then you just be like, well, whatever. I mean, just because a person has a feeling doesn't mean that's who they are. Absolutely. So if you're if you you got to create a safe space, and that's why I didn't even bring it up. I mean, it's the first time we've talked about it, right? Where a person can say, I feel like I don't like you. That don't mean you don't like me. Right. It just means that you're having a feeling today. Let's talk about that feeling. And so I don't know. I mean, that's hard. That's hard, but you got to create a space where you can't.

Tabatha Claytor 35:31

That's grown-up conversation.

Ken Claytor 35:33

Conversation, because you can't like have a conversation and say, Oh, because they told me a feeling, now you've marked them that that's the way. I mean, you can have all kinds of feelings.

Tabatha Claytor 35:42

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 35:42

That don't mean they're true or that you're gonna act on them or that. Right. Didn't come from the enemy.

Tabatha Claytor 35:47

But this stuff is this is why we've been married for 26 years. Yeah, but this is what we teach our children as well. Like our children sit down, they're three-year-olds, four-year-olds, they're all teenagers now, but they're feeling somewhat kind of way and in some kind of mood. Hey, babe, you know, why are you acting like that? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know. No, I teach them, no, well, how do you feel? Okay, well, I I just feel like my stomach hurts and I haven't been feeling well and I have a headache. Well, okay, yeah. Yeah, you're gonna have a bad attitude because you don't feel well. Why don't you communicate that with with me next time? I'm gonna help you now. Let me get you some water, let me make you some soup. Here's some vitamins. Yeah. Like, you know, we we teach our children to communicate.

Ken Claytor 36:25

It's so good. So good. Um, I got two more here isolation and emotional distance.

Isolation Generational Patterns And Closing

Ken Claytor 36:30

You know, I think is a huge tactic of the enemy. Um, just you're doing this by yourself. And I know that's for somebody. They're just they're by themselves, they haven't talked to anybody about what's going on in their marriage. Um I hate that though.

Tabatha Claytor 36:41

I feel for that person.

Ken Claytor 36:43

Emotional distance.

Tabatha Claytor 36:44

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 36:44

You know, um, you do you can't go at some stuff alone. You go at it better with a team.

Tabatha Claytor 36:49

Yes.

Ken Claytor 36:50

And the last one I'll give you is generational curses or patterns.

Tabatha Claytor 36:53

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 36:53

And the enemy often attacks through past wounds, family cycles, learned dysfunctions, anger, addiction, infidelity. I've I've been um studying something lately. I've I've heard that even addictions can be um have a genetic code to them, meaning that it was in your family line. It's not just a spiritual thing, it can be a genetic thing as well. Whatever it is, you you you can say it was running in my family till it ran into me.

Tabatha Claytor 37:16

That's right.

Ken Claytor 37:17

And if it ran into me, it's gonna run out because the buck stops here. And so when it comes to generational curses, um, you've never seen a healthy marriage. Okay, you're gonna have to deal with that. That's gonna be a tactic of the enemy. You came from a very destructive relationship. You saw you saw your mom do everything for for your dad, and then you expect your wife to do everything for you. Okay, you're gonna have to talk this out. There's just generational things and patterns that if you don't get on the same page, the enemy will use as a tactic of spiritual warfare to hinder your relationship. Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 37:49

So good.

Ken Claytor 37:50

And so here's our final truth for today. You're not fighting each other, you're fighting for each other. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood. The battle is not with your husband, and it is not with your wife. It was, it is with the devil himself. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. If you learn how to bind the enemy and loose the will of God, your relationship can be better. And we are witnesses of that. We are your proof of that. And so our prayer is that, man, this was a good podcast for you. You got some value out of it. And it's time to go to wage war.

Tabatha Claytor 38:24

That's right.

Ken Claytor 38:25

We've had seasons where we've had to go in our house, get out some anointing oil, kick the devil out of our or out of our atmosphere, and just ask God to send holy angels and just sanctify and anoint everything. And I'm just telling you, there has to be a hero in home, and you might as well start today. So we're out of time for today, but we pray that this was impactful to you. If it was, please let us know. I want to hear in the comments what was your main takeaway from today? What did you get out of it? What did God show you in it? Write into us. Leave a review, just let us know. Tell your story. Don't just say, Man, I like this podcast. How has God used this as an avenue of blessing for you? If you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button, hit the icon. If you're listening via Apple or Spotify, hit the follow right now so that you can know as soon as a new episode is released. We drop new content every Thursday at 3 p.m. We would love for you to come to a live conference. Have you heard about our conference? We have a conference in the beginning of November, which is an encounter conference. We have all these masterclasses, we have main sessions, we have, I'm talking about people get healed, set free, delivered, gifts are activated, people receive prophetic words. We might even do a marriage, a marriage, a masterclass there. So we would love for you to come for more information about that. You can check out our show notes. There's a link in the show notes. Also, if you go to Ken and Tabitha.com, there's a lot of books and merch and all kinds of things that we have. We wrote some new books, a new book just for you. We got a boot camp over there, some masterclasses. I think you'll find some information there that brings value to your life. Just know that we pray for you all the time. We love you and we're here for you. We'll see you next week.

Tabatha Claytor 39:59

Peace.