How To Love Your Spouse When You Do Not Like Them

What do you do when you still love your spouse, but you honestly do not like them right now? We go straight into the real-life stuff couples actually fight about: lights left on, shoes where they “shouldn’t” be, house rules, and that moment when a simple reminder suddenly sounds like disrespect. We laugh, but we also get serious about how tiny irritations can grow into contempt when we turn a habit into a verdict on someone’s character. 

From there, we unpack a marriage truth that saves relationships: love and like are different. When people say they have “fallen out of love,” we believe the fastest path back is often rebuilding like. We talk about intentional ways to do that in a long-term marriage, like choosing shared activities again, creating new experiences like you did while dating, and changing the inner narrative you repeat about your spouse. Instead of building a case against them all day, we practice building a case for them, which changes how we show up at home. 

We also ground everything in Christian marriage principles, including agape love from 1 Corinthians 13: love as a choice, love as a commitment, love that forgives, keeps no record of wrong, and believes the best. We share practical relationship advice you can use immediately: get curious instead of frustrated, name unmet needs, close emotional distance with small conversations, seek counseling or pastoral support without shame, and pray honestly for God to soften your heart. If you want faith-based marriage help that stays practical, this one is for you. 

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Transcript

A Life Conference 2026 Invite

Ken Claytor 0:00

What if the next thing God wants to do in your life is waiting on the other side of the counter? One moment, one word from God, one atmosphere filled with faith that shifts everything. A Life Conference 2026 is a three-day encounter designed to refresh your spirit, strengthen your leadership, and activate your purpose. This is November 5th through the 7th. Leaders, creatives, pastors, entrepreneurs, and just believers from around the world will gather in Orlando, Florida for powerful worship, life-changing messages, and the practical masterclasses that will help equip you for what God's calling you to build next. This is more than a conference. It's a moment to step away from the noise, to hear God clearly, to be surrounded by people who are hungry for more, and to leave empowered to walk boldly into your next season. Fresh vision, deeper faith, healing, breakthrough, clarity for what's next. A Life Conference was created with you in mind. And we believe that what happens in these three days could change the next 30 years of your life. You don't want to miss what God's doing at the Live Conference 2026. Join us this November here in Orlando. Head to a LifeConference.org to register

Why We Brought This Back

Ken Claytor 1:11

now. Hey everybody, before we jump into today's episode, we wanted to bring back one of our most watched conversations on doing life with Ken and Tabitha. This episode really connected with so many people, and we believe it still has something powerful to say today. So whether you're watching it for the first time or revisiting it again, lean in and enjoy this episode. Right. Welcome to another episode, everybody, of Doing Life with

Loving Your Spouse Through Annoyance

Ken Claytor 1:34

Ken and Tabitha. Pumped to have you with us today. Um, today's topic is hilarious to me. It is really, really funny. It's really, really funny because it's how to love your spouse when you don't like them right now. Um, I don't know. Has that ever happened for you?

Tabatha Claytor 1:51

Or you I you know, I was just saying, I don't know if I'll be able to do this podcast because, you know.

Ken Claytor 1:56

How lovable I am.

Tabatha Claytor 1:57

Yeah, you're just so wonderful that I'm like the most lovable person on the I mean, yeah. I mean, how can I speak?

Ken Claytor 2:04

Not just lovable, but likable as well. You you've never not liked me. No way, no how. That's it.

Tabatha Claytor 2:10

I think that's what people think about you. You think so? Being a Pastor Ken. Pastor Ken is perfect. He doesn't do anything.

Ken Claytor 2:17

No, I think people think that about you. You can tell in the comments. Just read the comments. I see you in the comments, y'all. She's the angel. I'm like, I'm all right. What you like?

Tabatha Claytor 2:26

I admit that I admit that I do things.

Ken Claytor 2:29

You're radiant. He's just lucky to have you. Like, I'm just chocolate liberal on the side of the street. I've done nothing good. Nothing good in my life. If you love me at all, please let me know. I'm very insecure right now. Before you say I do, you should ask the question, do I?

Tabatha Claytor 2:48

Storms are going to come. Since they're going to come, you need to know what to do when they come. You need to be prepared.

Ken Claytor 2:56

We want to pay for the tools that you need to have a successful relationship.

Tabatha Claytor 3:01

This is the time that you say, Am I doing the right thing? And when you decide that you're doing the right thing, you will know it at year five, at year ten, at year thirty.

Ken Claytor 3:10

You'll be able to go back and say, No, I entered into this sky's wide open. I had confirmation, I had mentorship. But I gotta learn to love what God loves and hate what God hates. God hates divorce. And you gotta put it in your heart right now. This is gonna be something that we hate.

Tabatha Claytor 3:27

The Bible also calls marriage a holy institution.

Ken Claytor 3:30

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 3:30

And so this institution that we enter into, it is holy. It is to be upheld.

Ken Claytor 3:36

Satan hates anything that God's established. God's established marriage, he's established family. Satan wants to do everything he can. So if you think that you're fighting now, you're gonna fight a whole lot later. What we've done over the last 25 years is we've done everything together. Together. Because there is power in agreement. We're just asking you to get eyes wide open. If we don't put God in front of this relationship, it might not be built to last. Welcome to

Conference Plug And Quick CTA

Ken Claytor 4:08

our podcast, though. If you're new to our podcast, make sure you hit the subscribe button so you can be the first to get the content whenever it is released. We love you guys. Hey, we got a conference that's coming up. It's coming up real, real soon. It's actually coming up in a couple of months. In the beginning of November, I just feel like this is a space that you want to be in. So could you do this? Just ask the Lord and say, God, do you want me to go to Orlando? And do you want me to be a part of a live conference? If you want more information about a live conference, as you can see on my hat, go over to the link in our show notes and just check it out, man. I think we have some sessions, some classes, an atmosphere, an environment. I believe three days could change the next 30 years of your life. And there's no place like being in Orlando. I mean, you can go see, go hang out at the amusement parks and also worship Jesus all in the same vacation. That'd be a good time to me. But I'm looking forward to this, man.

Love Vs Like In Real Life

Ken Claytor 4:57

And so how to love your spouse even when you don't like them. Um, why do you think we'd even need to talk about this?

Tabatha Claytor 5:05

Um, it's just I feel like people get love and like mixed up. Okay. And um that, you know, they feel like you don't have to like someone to love them. Um say more. And you know, you can someone can get on your nerves. Like there are things that you do that I don't like. That doesn't mean that I don't love you. That doesn't mean that I want to end our marriage. That doesn't mean that you're some despicable person, you know. Like it just means that, well, I didn't like that.

Ken Claytor 5:35

So what is it that I do you don't like? I'm I'm interested.

Tabatha Claytor 5:39

I don't know, but there are things that you do that I don't like. You do not that I have anything on my mind.

Ken Claytor 5:45

Okay.

Tabatha Claytor 5:45

Are there things that I do that you don't like? Yeah, I got a whole list of stuff, but I don't care to know them, so I'm not asking you for them.

Ken Claytor 5:52

I think you should care to know them. I don't know. I don't know. What do you guys think? Do you feel like if there are things about your spouse that you don't like, should you tell them?

Tabatha Claytor 6:03

I mean, I think you should. I mean, to a point. I mean, we have family meetings and we have discussions where we say, hey, I don't like it when you do this. Uh-huh. Nitpicky things, you know, as well as more serious, more deep things, maybe a character flaw.

Ken Claytor 6:18

Maybe Well, I think that's the problem. People don't know the difference between big things and nitpicky things.

Tabatha Claytor 6:24

Uh but I think you should talk about them all. There's a time and a place for everything. Okay.

Ken Claytor 6:28

You just don't feel like that time.

Tabatha Claytor 6:30

Yeah, it's like, you know, when when No, I could talk about it now. So, you know, like I don't like that you um what I don't like. I don't like it that you leave lights on. I don't like it that you leave lights on. So we'll go to bed, you know, and maybe I'll wake up in the middle of the night, go get some water or something, and and the lights are on, like blasted, like it's middle of the day blasted, and I'm like, oh my gosh, why are all the lights on? Um so I don't like that. I was raised um that you just turn off the lights.

Ken Claytor 7:03

Well, you know what's funny about that is I feel like I turn off lights all the time. And that's the thing in marriage. It feels like I feel like I'm doing that all the time, but you never really appreciate when I do do it. And you pick out the times that I might not do it, and it might not even be me, it might be one of the kids, and then I get blamed for it.

Tabatha Claytor 7:21

Wow.

Ken Claytor 7:22

Yeah. And I'm using that just as I'm just trying to piggyback off and just be like what's in people's house, and I think that that's in people's house. Like you, you know, I mean, there's just all kinds of things you can do. Like, you have a lot of rules. You have a lot of rules. You know, you have a um, I you know, you take your shoes off but before you come in the house, which I understand that rule. Don't make make a mistake about that, but then you take your shoes off again before you go into a bedroom. So like the house.

Tabatha Claytor 7:50

Well, that one I can see because I get okay. This is what makes my blood pressure pressurize when you tell me that I have a lot of rules. Uh-huh. Because it's like it's just a rule, it it's not like my rule. This is like something you should do, you know, like brush your teeth. Like, that's not my rule. Brush your teeth. That's like, you know, so like when you come in the house, I'm like, that's not a rule, just please take off your shoes. And it's not but it is a rule. Secondly, okay, go ahead. It's not my rule, it's our rule, because you and I agree that we're gonna take our shoes off in the house. That wasn't even. So when I have to remind you of your own rule, that makes me irritated.

Ken Claytor 8:25

Yeah. Well, you're you're you're you're you're making it out something to be like, okay, yes, I I agree that take your shoes off when you but I don't know if I completely agree with taking your shoes off before you go in our bedroom. You're right. Meaning that not the shoes that were outside, the shoes that the house shoes that you were walking around the house in, you can't bring those into the room.

Tabatha Claytor 8:43

And I have reasons. Would you like to hear them?

Ken Claytor 8:46

I don't know. I mean, uh that's I mean going.

Tabatha Claytor 8:48

And the thing is, okay, so yeah, and we've discussed this rule, right? We've discussed it. But I didn't, you know, I try and and we've had trial and error over the years where it's like you walk in the bedroom and you got your shoes on, and I'm like, Ken, can you take your shoes off? And you're like in the middle of your stride.

Ken Claytor 9:04

But I can tell by the way that you're going that you don't understand the point. The point is not that you don't have a reason for the rule.

Tabatha Claytor 9:12

Uh-huh.

Ken Claytor 9:12

The point is just that there's just another rule, another something that I have to do. The point is, yeah. You don't want your white, your white carpet messed up. You don't want certain things from outside in the hallway, I guess, to be brought into the bedroom you're trying to create. I get it. But it's just another rule. You you you can't see that that's just another rule. But I can give you a lot of rules.

Tabatha Claytor 9:31

I see that it's another rule, yeah. Okay. Absolutely.

Ken Claytor 9:33

Okay. Okay.

Tabatha Claytor 9:34

So what's the point?

Ken Claytor 9:35

I'm just saying, I don't know what the point is. I feel like we kind of got off to a bad start.

Tabatha Claytor 9:41

The point This is the example. Don't do what we just did.

Ken Claytor 9:46

Well, I think the the point is that you can love who you don't like. Right. And when we're talking about not liking someone, it's not like the big things. It's these idiot, these little things, these idiosyncrasies. And we talked about, do we talk about them? Well, yeah, you need to talk about them. Because we've talked about that. And many times I'm just like, honestly, honestly, I just say, well, do whatever you want to do. Yeah. Because it doesn't seem like it's a fight that I'm going to win. Number one, number two, it's not that big a deal. And I'm not going to make a mountain out of a mohill. I'll take my shoes off before I go in. Right. You know, we had this whole thing going on with the bathroom door, and we don't have a vent into our bathroom. It was a bad construction thing. And she she'd go in there and she didn't like the way it smelled, so she wanted to pop open the door. And I thought it was ratchet the way she pop open the door, and she didn't like. So I was like, well, just do whatever you want to do. Now she removed the thing from the door, but to me, it's just like marriages are filled with those things.

Tabatha Claytor 10:39

Yeah.

Submission Over Small Conflicts

Ken Claytor 10:40

And so I think we go on and on.

Tabatha Claytor 10:42

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 10:42

If we're going too far, we probably get upset and then we have to.

Tabatha Claytor 10:45

But I think what we've learned, I mean, in that, like even with the door example, there are some there are some things that typically on an issue, one of us feels more strongly than the other. Like I don't like it, like with the door issue. I don't like it. You know, I I wanted to use something to prop the door open because I that that makes me happy. But it seemed like it was more irritating to you that there was something in the door propping it open. And so I'm like, uh, you know, I'm in the bathroom for like a minute, you know. I can I can handle the door being closed for a minute.

Ken Claytor 11:18

The truth is that all little things that people fight over is that way.

Tabatha Claytor 11:22

Right.

Ken Claytor 11:22

It's either somebody's gonna bow to knee, somebody's gonna submit, or you're gonna have two people that are knocking heads all the time, and then be in divorce court and call it unreconcilable difference. Right. When truthfully nobody just learned to submit and stopped making a big deal out of little things. Right. And we could go through those little things. It's not like I don't like you, I I married you because I liked you. Yeah. Like out of all the people in the world, you had a ceremony in front of all of your family and friends, right, and probably spent a boatload of money to confess your love to the end of the world, but then you figure out that they leave crumbs on the on the counter. Right. Or you figure out that they leave their socks in the bed, or you figure out that they left the light on that you wouldn't have left on.

Tabatha Claytor 11:59

Right.

Ken Claytor 12:00

Um, and I think that the whole thing is like don't make a small thing a big thing. Right. And you can love somebody, but still not like something that they do, but don't let it become this snowball effect where now like starts to turn into it's affecting your love, and now you have a disdain for that person.

Tabatha Claytor 12:18

Well, I think it's those little things that we build a mountain with, right? Yes, we're gonna do that. And so it's those little things, and now we we turn we make turning off the light, um, like we we we make a case against your character, right? And who you are, right, and what kind of person would do those kinds of things, like leave crumbs on the counter. And we tr belittle you like you're a child, and now I'm your mother or I'm your father, and I gotta correct you and tell you what to do and what not to do. And it just becomes really ugly.

Ken Claytor 12:51

And I mean, honestly, that's why I was bringing it up. I was just trying to stir up like, okay, what else do you not like?

Tabatha Claytor 12:55

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 12:56

Because I just feel like, okay, I can take it publicly, but at the same time, I think it's good conversation of like, okay, what is the big deal with that? Because these are the little foxes that are spoiling the vines. That's what I'm saying. And that's Bible.

Tabatha Claytor 13:08

Yes.

Ken Claytor 13:08

There's little foxes that are spoiling the vine. And so I don't know.

Tabatha Claytor 13:13

Yeah. I I think the I think I love this conversation because I'm laughing. Like I it it's funny to me. When you tell me things that you don't like about me, it makes me laugh because I'm I I try to be very real with myself and very honest, um, to be self-aware. So, like when you tell me about myself, I know that you're right. It's your perspective. I can't tell you that you're wrong, that's your perspective. And I have a very strong, a very case, a very strong case to build against you to tell you while why I'm right and you're wrong or whatever.

Ken Claytor 13:45

Right. And that's what I what I was saying before you.

Tabatha Claytor 13:47

Yeah, yeah. But at the same time, it doesn't, you know, it just doesn't matter to me. It's funny. Like you have to laugh about it. Right.

Ken Claytor 13:55

I think for me, if I was to give somebody advice, we've been married for 26 years, my advice would be like, let it go. Yeah. Like, leave live live fun, leave live free, live graceful. Like it's not that big a deal. Whether I take off my shoes or whether I don't take off my shoes, yeah. This ain't solving world hunger either way. Whether you have the bathroom cracked or whether you don't, you know. I'm having trouble coming up with something else that I don't like.

Tabatha Claytor 14:24

Um What don't you like from me? I think you just don't like my rules. I think probably not wearing your shoes in the bed.

Ken Claytor 14:32

The crazy thing is, is that I do like your rules because your rules have created order, it's created safety, it's created cleanness. Um, the thing that I feel like sometimes I don't like with some of the rules is that they can be applied with a level, uh, a tone that feels like I'm a child.

Tabatha Claytor 14:46

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 14:47

And as a man, when somebody tells me to turn off the light, I kind of think like, well, I'm paying for the bills. I pay for uh I pay for the house, which you pay too. But what I'm saying is like you go to a respect and honor thing more so like why are you on me about turning off the light? If I want to keep every light on this home on, I'm gonna pay for it at the end of the day. Like you be happy, you got a roof over your head, you got a bed that you got a $3,000. That's hilarious. It's more like a okay, I got it, I heard you. But I and then especially if you're working real hard, it's like almost if you do something really good for your spouse and they don't acknowledge it at all. Like you came and you cleaned the kitchen and you just went straight through the kitchen like they didn't do it. And it's like, but I turn the lights off like every night, you never say nothing about that. Then it's almost like you're just ignoring things and you're looking for things. And I just feel like there are some people who are in relationships with people that are always pointing out the negative.

Tabatha Claytor 15:39

Yeah, yeah.

Ken Claytor 15:40

And that's tough too.

Tabatha Claytor 15:41

It it it is tough. I mean, especially I know for me, like, yeah, there I know, like at this point after 26 years of marriage, at this point, I know when I cross the line with you. And it's not not and I would never honestly do it on purpose. Like, I'm I'm not trying to disrespect for disrespect you and kind of like dishonor you in your home, but I know when I cross the line where I where I make you feel dishonored. I just know you, I know your your personality, your swag, like your body movements, how I would offend you with saying something like, babe, turn off the light, or I don't know, just treating you like a child, or you know, sometimes it's like I come, I'm on a roll. Let's I'm getting stuff done, and I'm telling the kids you do this and you do that, and da-da-da-da-da. And then, and Ken did-da-da-da, you know, and I just hit you with like like with one swoop, like I did the kids and stuff.

Ken Claytor 16:32

And it's like a child, I'm definitely not one of them.

Tabatha Claytor 16:34

Yeah, yeah. But and but I have to recognize that. And I think a lot of people don't recognize, especially women. You know, the Bible talks about a nagging wife. And I'm telling you, I didn't know that was in the Bible, but when I found it out, I set myself like I am not going to be a nagging wife.

Ken Claytor 16:52

We're highlighting a 26 year old.

Tabatha Claytor 16:54

I don't want to do that.

Ken Claytor 16:55

Hard time even remembering stuff like that. Um, the the the bathroom piece and the shoe piece, I was just thinking about it earlier, but you have purpose yourself not to be that.

Tabatha Claytor 17:04

Yeah, yeah.

Ken Claytor 17:05

Um, but it's but but but but you do have a part of your personality that could easily go there.

Tabatha Claytor 17:10

Oh, if I wanted to, I could go there.

Ken Claytor 17:12

It could be very bossy, yep. Very good.

Tabatha Claytor 17:14

And I can do that with my children too. I don't want to be that kind of mom with my kids. Like, I just want people to just be able to make mistakes and be okay. They fire me up, I'm telling you.

Ken Claytor 17:26

I'm the one, I'm the calm one. You know, you somebody in the house got it.

Tabatha Claytor 17:29

Until you're not.

Ken Claytor 17:30

Until I'm not. Yes. Well, this is a whole thing. They don't want me to get upset.

Tabatha Claytor 17:34

Nobody wants you. They they didn't, I and then they crossed the line and they made my husband upset. So I'm in the kitchen interceding for my husband, my children. Lord, please don't let my husband kill the children.

Ken Claytor 17:45

Every few years like a comet, but you don't I'm counting a 10. You no, don't do that. Don't do that. I'm very calm, but then when it's when it's over, it's over. This is what I've learned about love,

Rebuilding Like With Shared Fun

Ken Claytor 17:57

okay? Because like and love is two different things. If you feel like you've fallen out of love with your spouse, the easiest way to get back into love is to take a step back into like. And I think that there are specific things that you have to do to start to keep liking each other. Yeah. Um, there needs to be some activities that you have together. If he loves bowling and you love golf and you never see eye to eye and you have separate friends, you have to pick something that you guys want to do together. Um, you should have activities that you want to do. So if she really wants to go to London, but you hate London, why don't you just take her to London anyway? Why don't you um submit to one another and just find out you you you know, because think about when you're dating, you're doing new activities together, you're learning about so endorphins are high. There's a lot of newness, there's a lot of butterfly stuff happening in this new relationship. We're trying out new foods, I'm learning your perspective, I'm learning your political persuasions, you lean this way or that way, and it's all of these things. And it's almost like if you're not careful in marriage, it's like we've been there, we've done that, oh, we go out to eat all the time. But what are you gonna do to kind of spruceen it up? Yeah. And I just feel like um the like side of your relationship is huge. Now we can define what love is, and we know that love is different than like, but I think that we can be intentional about liking each other. Is there anything else that you would say as it relates to advice of how to how to stay in like?

Tabatha Claytor 19:25

I think there's a lot of um intentionality with it. Um I I talk to myself, you know, we should all talk to ourselves. You talk to yourself. Some of us talk bad to ourselves, but I've purposed myself to talk good to myself. But then I also talk to myself about you, my husband. And there are intentional set times that whether we're on date night or maybe it's just in the morning and I saw you the first time I saw you for that day, or the last time I'm giving you a kiss goodnight. I will intentionally in my heart say, I like this man. I like everything about him. I might it it could be like, oh, well, I I saw you for the first time today and I like your outfit, or you know, I like what you just said to me, I like how kind you were, I like how you were to my kids. And I'll just take those moments and talk to myself. I like him, I like him, I like him. And I think that that just does a lot for me to just keep my like for you at a high level.

Ken Claytor 20:27

Yeah, yeah. Because I mean, if you have the other in your heart, it's gonna come into your actions. It's just like we have someone that we live near, and it's you know, there's been some conversations and some things that's happened with the neighbor, and I was having all of these thoughts that are just very negative thoughts. Uh-huh. That's almost like making me not want to go outside, making me not want to jog, making me not want to see that person. And I just had to put it to a stop and say, no, I'm gonna think well of that person. Right. And I'm gonna say, I live in the best neighborhood in America, I have some of the best neighbors in America, and if I see that person, I'm gonna talk with them because that's a lot better than letting my mind meditate on negativity that's gonna come in my actions when I see them. So it's gonna be important in the marriage to just I gotta meditate. And I thought that about you when I saw you today. When you got up, I was like, Oh, she's so beautiful. And I had that thought and I said that to myself. She and then as I was praying for you this day, uh um, I was just praying over you that you're anointed and wise and that the desires of your heart are being met. And I think if you stay on that side of the pendulum, even as you go through disagreements, you'll just bounce back.

Tabatha Claytor 21:32

Right. You know, I think, but we do the opposite with these little things. That's little things we see he didn't turn off the light, he left his socks in the bed, he left the door open, da-da-da-da-da. And these are all negative things. So all day you're thinking about this negativity, and you when you see that person, of course you're not greeting them with a kiss and a hug, and like, oh baby, I'm so happy to see you. Like, because all day you've built up a case against them.

Ken Claytor 21:55

Yeah, that's really good.

Tabatha Claytor 21:57

I want to do the opposite. All day I'm building up a case for you. For you. And even if you do do something that I don't like, I come back and now I'm I'm arguing for you and not against you in my own heart.

Ken Claytor 22:07

Right, right.

Choosing Agape Love And Commitment

Ken Claytor 22:08

So, you know, even when we started our church, I wanted to be like um really good at loving people and really good at loving God. You know how love is the great commandment, love the Lord thy God, all thy heart, soul, mind, strength, love your neighbor, like yourself upon these two hang everything else. When I before we started the church, I spent years just studying love. And so love as it relates to loving God, loving people, the love in marriage, um, it's still something that I just really, really love. Um, but here's a few things that I feel like we've learned about love over the years. That love is a choice, it's not just a feeling. Yes. And that's huge. Love is a choice, it's a choice, it's not just a feeling. So our emotions are gonna go up and down, our feelings are gonna go up and down. There's gonna be times that I say something to you that is taken the wrong way or I said it the wrong way. There's gonna be times where something happens, that's just a relationship. But my love is a choice, it's not just a feeling, it's not the feelings are gonna go up and down and all around. And the choice that I'm gonna love you in spite of is very important to know that it's a choice, that I just choose to love you unconditionally till death do us part. There's a power in choice.

Tabatha Claytor 23:20

Absolutely. I think we can make the right choice every single time. And the Bible says that uh God says, I lay before you life and death, blessing and cursings, and then he gives you the answer, choose life.

Ken Claytor 23:31

Right.

Tabatha Claytor 23:32

So we can always choose life by what we say. Right.

Ken Claytor 23:35

I've also learned that love is a commitment, not just a feeling. So it's a choice, but then it's a commitment. So I I just want to talk to the people who are like, Well, I just feel like we're not in love any longer.

Tabatha Claytor 23:46

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 23:47

Okay, well, choose to commit to one another first.

Tabatha Claytor 23:51

Yeah.

Ken Claytor 23:52

Choose. You know, it's not about your feeling, it's it's a choice, then it's a commitment. I commit to this person. And so I think that sometimes our definitions of love, you know, when you study love, you have arose, sexual love, phileo, um uh friendly love, you have uh storage, which is like family love. But this agape love. It's written about in 1 Corinthians 13. It's like a commitment, it's a choice, it's a others serving, others seeking God kind of love. When God says, I am love, he is agape love, and it's the same power of love that he gives us that we really need in a marriage, but it's a choice and it's also a commitment. Um, I've also we've learned that love is not a feeling, okay? And so, of course, uh we have a book that is coming out really, really soon called Butterfly Love. And you got to get a copy of this one. This is like our life story. This is like our 26 years of marriage, and we really just walk you through the pages of how we met, how we came together, yeah, and the first part of our marriage, which was the butterfly stage, and then we talk about how that went away, but then how to get it back and how to live a life with butterfly love. I just feel like it's a dope love story. I think you're really gonna like it. It's not like tactical, like most of our stuff is like teaching. This is like through the story of our ups and downs, her breaking up with me, all kinds of things. You're gonna learn principles of what to and what not to do. But the principle is really about butterfly love, which is an infatuation. It's like this butterflies that's in your stomach, and you think that's gonna go on forever, and it doesn't. It's one stage of the relationship. You have the infatuation stage, you have the fight for power stage, that's where most divorces happen, and then you have the maturity stage where I choose to love you because you're you. I commit to love you and to be with you no matter what you do or say. And so we want to get through the fight for power stage, but a lot of people they think that love is the infatuation stage and they get stuck in the butterfly feelings. So when it goes away, they're like, okay, we're out of love, and that's not even what real love is.

Tabatha Claytor 25:53

That's so good.

Ken Claytor 25:55

And then we have agape love is really good at forgiving. All right. We've learned that over the years that agape love is really good at forgiving. It keeps no records of wrong, um, it's not going tick for tack. And then we've also loved that love thinks the best and it believes the best of every person. And that's what 1 Corinthians chapter 13, verse 4 talks about. It talks about this. It says love suffers long and is kind. It doesn't envy, it doesn't parade itself, it doesn't, it's not puffed up, it doesn't behave rudely, it doesn't seek its own, it's not easily provoked, it thinks no evil, it does no, it does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hope all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Tabatha Claytor 26:38

Yes, love believes the best. And I think that's something that, you know, I practice probably on a daily basis with any offenses, you know, especially towards you, especially toward towards your spouse, um, that, you know, sometimes things happen, and um like maybe you did leave the the house of wreck. Like, and maybe I look at, I'm like, man, the lights are on, the doors thrown open, the the bed's not made. Maybe that's so. But instead of me thinking, oh my gosh, he's a terrible, despicable human being. He must be some type of monster. How could I have been, how could I have let him live with me all of these years, you know, and thinking all this horrible stuff. He doesn't respect me, he doesn't care about my rules, you know, like all of this stuff. Or I could be like, oh wow, I wonder why he was in such of a hurry. This isn't like him. I know that, you know, he knows he follows the rules, he does all of these things. Wow. Let me call him and and make sure he's okay. Let me see if he there's anything else I can help him with. Oh, let me clean up because I know that he don't want to come home to this mess.

Ken Claytor 27:39

Yeah.

Tabatha Claytor 27:40

Love thinks the best.

Ken Claytor 27:41

Yeah, very good, very good. I like this one in the message Bible, 1 Corinthians 13 4. It says, No matter what I say, what I believe, or what I do, I'm bankrupt without love. Love never gives up, love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have, love doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head, doesn't force itself on others, isn't always me first. It doesn't fly off the handle, it doesn't keep score of the sins of others, it doesn't revel when others grovel, takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, puts up with anything, trusts God always, always looks for the best. Never looks back, but keeps going to the end. Same verses, a different translation. The message Bible kind of gives us a message.

Practical Steps To Reconnect

Ken Claytor 28:27

Same thing though, same thing, right? Always looks for the best, never looks back. And so here's some um practical advice, really, guys, about how to, you know, just kind of uh grow in like with your spouse. Um gotta get curious. Not frustrated, but curious, you know. Um you gotta ask yourself, what's changed? What's changed? When did I stop enjoying them? Are we disconnected? Are we both carrying um unspoken burdens? Um often dislike is a symptom of unmet needs, miscommunication, emotional buildup, etc. etc. Number two is reconnect with who they who they were and who they're becoming. Reflect on what you admired, what you laughed at or enjoyed when you were first falling in love. Ask God to give you a fresh eyes to see your spouse with compassion and not compare. Um, first Peter chapter 4, verse 8 says that love it covers a multitude of sin. Um be check the emotional distance and close the gap. Um sometimes I don't like them. That really means I don't feel connected, seen, or safe with them anymore. And sometimes you can start small, having a quick conversation, go on a walk, ask a question like, uh, what's been hard for you lately? Um, what do you wish I understood about you better right now? Liking someone often comes back through intentional curiosity and also kindness. A number four would be get support without shame. You don't have to fake it, you don't have to fix it alone. A counselor, a pastor, a trusted couple can help you navigate this without judgment. Marriage is a spiritual and emotional warfare. You need people who will fight with you. And then number five is pray honestly and let God work on both of you. Create me a clean heart, oh God. The psalmist said in 51 division, verse number 10. Oh God, renew a right spirit within me. Ask God to help you love with eyes of love and heal what's been um uh hard to be healed from and um restore what's been lost and renew what's been forgotten. And sometimes God will soften your heart before he changes your situation.

Tabatha Claytor 30:44

Wow. I think, you know, I would add to that to, you know, just have fun. I mean, enjoy life and have fun with your spouse, like to be friends and best friends. You know, it's rare that we like argue and fight and kind of like fall out with our friends, you know, like our best friends. Um, I mean, it happens, of course.

Ken Claytor 31:06

Some people let their friends do anything and still be friends.

Tabatha Claytor 31:09

Exactly. They get we give so much grace to our friends, you know. Um, but I I don't know for some reason, I don't know why we do don't give as much grace to our spouses. I think it's just the spiritual warfare of marriage. Yeah. Uh, but we have to remember that you married your spouse because this is your friend, this is your best friend. So let's enjoy life and have a good time and laugh at each other and and not take yourself so seriously.

Ken Claytor 31:33

Yeah. So good, so good. And so here's just a a final thought we want you to take

Hope For Tomorrow And Closing

Ken Claytor 31:39

away. Like can be rebuilt, love can be rekindled. All right. You may not like your spouse today, but that doesn't mean you want on tomorrow. And so there are some intentional things, and uh, I would just encourage you to be the hero in the home. Let's say that you're listening and watching, and your spouse isn't listening or watching, why don't you come up with a list of things that you can do yourself to fall back and like and also fall back in love with the one that you've married? And uh then we can talk about doing it vice versa. All right. And so our prayer for your relationships is that you don't just love each other, you grow to like each other. We got a ton of content. If you just go through, jump uh jump over to our YouTube channel or just kind of scroll through your podcast or Spotify, wherever you're listening and watching. We got a ton of content, I mean, ton of good content that will really help you um get the romance back. I think we did a podcast where we gave you a hundred different ways to get the romance back. Wow. Um we talked about having date nights and family meetings and so many different things, and I just want you to know there is hope for your tomorrow, and we'll be here to do life with you all the way. So we're out of time for today, but we love you guys. Thank you so much for tuning in. Of course, if you're new to our podcast, hit the subscribe button so that you can get the content as soon as it's released every Thursday at 3 p.m. Write us, share this episode with other people. Let us know how this is being a blessing to you. Come and worship with us sometime. Come to the live conference, man. We're gonna have a good time. You'll be glad that you did. Until next Thursday, we'll see you soon. Peace.

Conference Testimonies On Healing

SPEAKER_00 33:10

I just always thought that my suffering was in vain.

SPEAKER_04 33:13

I went through a lot of trauma, divorce.

SPEAKER_03 33:16

I had pacification of the Achilles.

SPEAKER_04 33:19

The drive down to Orlanta from Gainesville, tin pain. My pain was at a level 10. I told God, if you don't do something, I will have to go to the hospital.

SPEAKER_01 33:29

I've been waiting for in a missing piece of my Christian walk.

SPEAKER_04 33:33

I wanted to commit suicide.

SPEAKER_00 33:46

Coming to a live conference changed my life, and now I know my purpose.

SPEAKER_04 33:51

And I could feel the heat leaving my body. I've been overflowed with money. The masterclass of healing my pain level went to a ticket. Every day has been another discovery. I didn't know I had it in myself. I didn't know I had it in my faith. I'm just so grateful that my eyes are finally open.

SPEAKER_03 34:31

Now I don't have any pain at all, and I know that God still heals.