What Drives You? Shame or Purpose?

What actually drives your goals — shame or purpose?

In this episode of Back to the Breath, we explore the two most common motivators behind our actions and decisions. Many of us pursue fitness, success, relationships, or personal growth — but the why behind those pursuits matters more than we realize.

Is your motivation coming from fear, comparison, and feeling “not good enough”? Or from alignment, values, meaning, and a deep sense of purpose?

Using real-life examples (including fitness, career, and inner self-talk), this episode breaks down:

• Shame-based motivation vs purpose-based motivation
• Why shame can produce results — but often leads to burnout
• How your inner dialogue shapes fulfillment and self-worth
• Why purpose creates long-term motivation and peace
• Practical ways to shift from shame into purpose using breathwork, awareness, and self-compassion

If you’ve ever felt driven but exhausted… successful but unfulfilled… or motivated yet harsh with yourself — this conversation is for you.

Thanks for taking the time to listen. Feel free to reach out with any feedback, or if you'd like to collaborate in any way. Peace!

@daltonrdan on Instagram

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction: Shame vs Purpose
• 1:45 Defining Shame & Purpose
• 2:58 Fitness as a Case Study
• 6:49 When Shame "Works" (But at a Cost)
• 8:57 The Inner Critic & Burnout
• 10:55 The Benefits of Purpose-Based Living
• 16:57 Shifting from Shame to Purpose

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:08

What's up you guys? And welcome back to another episode of Back to the Breath. I'm playing around with welcome back to the breath. That might be that might be in the next one. We don't know yet. Still playing around with that. But in this episode, we're going to be talking about our motivators in life and what drives us towards things in life. And I'm going to argue that when we are motivated towards a goal in life and we are when we are in the moment taking action, what is inspiring us? I'm going to argue that there are generally two motivators. And I'm sure there's more, but just for the sake of simplicity, we're going to say that there are two. Right. I think that that's that's most useful to look at it from this standpoint. Those two motivators being shame and purpose. And I think these are two categories in which we can operate from. I know a friend of mine who made a podcast about this somewhat recently, and uh he was the way that him and this person that were, they were talking about it, they were talking about positive fuel and negative fuel. Right. So now I'm framing this discussion similarly, uh, but we're talking about shame and we're talking about purpose, right? So a few different ways you can frame shame would be fear, right? Like you're driven by fear. Oh my gosh, um, I uh if I don't do this, then someone's gonna leave me, or I'm gonna be broke, or you know, which that actually can be a good motivator. That could actually be a purpose-driven motivator, too. I think this can kind of get somewhat gray. Um, but generally what I'm talking about is deficiency, a place of lack, a place of shame, a place of feeling like you're not good enough and like you need to be good enough, right? That's what I mean when I say shame. And when I say purpose, I'm talking about from a place of meaning, a place of alignment, a place of values, heart, a desire that comes from the heart, a want that comes from the heart or passion, something you're passionate about. And you give a few examples of different areas in your of in your life where these motivators may show up. Um, that may be uh pursuing physical fitness. I think that's a that's a huge one for a lot of people, especially in today's day and age, because a lot of people want to be fit and healthy. They want to look good. And I think that there's there's uh two main categories, right? For for wanting to look good. It may be because you really, it may be the per you may fall in the purpose category, which is I want to be strong, healthy, fit. I want, I want my partner to be turned on by me, right? I want to, if I have children, I want to be able to lift my children up and play with them and and lift them up my shoulders. If I have a partner, I want to be able to pick my partner up and or if I want to go surfing, I want to be able to hop on a surfboard, or if I want to go climbing, or if I want to do anything that I enjoy in this life that seems badass and fun. That's that to me is purpose-driven. That is clear. That is in alignment with my life. I want to be strong, fit, healthy, happy, so that I can do all these cool, amazing things that matter to me. Boom. Like that I can say comes deep from within my heart, and that is in alignment with me, right? Then there's the the there's the other reason that I or other people may pursue physical fitness, which is shame. We're not good enough. You get up in the morning and you look at yourself in the mirror and you go, ugh. Who is that? No one's gonna love that. That's disgusting. What is that? That is disgusting. Ew, I don't like myself. I hate myself. So I'm gonna go march my way into the gym. I'm gonna look in the mirror and I'm gonna hit these certain reps to make my body look better, and finally I feel good enough for a little while. We'll come back and do it in a few days. Right? That's pretty shameful, that's pretty negative. I'm guilty of that. I'm guilty of feeling that way. I'm guilty of looking at myself and and going, ugh, who is that, yuck, and wanting to change myself, right? That, my friends, is operating from a place of sh of shame and of lack and deficiency and fear. They're not gonna accept me if I'm not if I'm not doing this. They're not gonna love me. That's shame. And I think we make decisions like this in all aspects of our life. Maybe in your career or when you're trying to perfect a hobby or a uh a uh a pursuit. Are you doing it because it's something that drives you and something you're passionate about, or are you doing it because someone will finally think you're enough if you do it right? Right? Oh man. I notice for myself, and this has been coming up for a lot for me lately, specifically in the gym. I notice that I have I carry a lot of shame about my body, about the way that I look. And often that shame gets me there. I don't like that, but it is there. And I want to talk about how I've been handling that, but we'll get to that in a little bit. So I kind of just talked about what it means to operate from a place of shame and what it means to operate from a place of purpose. I kind of went over that. One thing I want to mention is that it seems that the action seems very similar a lot of the time for both of these. Like you could see somebody in the gym that is just doing really, really well and that is getting very, very strong. You know, you can see somebody succeeding in their career and is doing very, very well. And you really don't know what is driving them. And I think this is kind of a good example. I was at the gym with a friend the other day. I was at the gym with a friend, and uh, this really strong guy was, I mean, I'm talking really strong. I think he had three plates on both sides. He was bench pressing. That's like, come on, dude. 135 on both sides. That's 270 plus the bar. That's like 315 pounds that this guy was bench pressing. Yeah. And he he he repped like eight reps. Gosh, I sound like a gym, bro. But he did. He he he he went for like eight reps, this guy. And this guy was short. He was pretty short. He was just so jacked, so strong. And my friend said to him, like, uh, I can't remember what he said. He said, like, man, you're so strong. He said, No, I'm a weak, no, I'm a skinny, weak, I don't know, something. He called himself this terrible, these terrible words. He said he was weak and he was skinny and he was scrawny. I'm like, man, it makes you wonder, does he actually believe that? Is he compensating, right? Like, what drove this man to get that strong? Uh yeah, so you really don't know what's running people. And I think um I have heard from a lot of of uh of very successful people, but that that's that's actually what's driven them to a lot of their success. And it may, you may stop to wonder. I think I've heard a lot of people uh argue that that that this toxic shame is not bad, or that this uh toxic fuel, toxic shame, negative shame, or that this shame as a motivator can actually work, and it does, right? Like we just talked about that. I mean, that guy was super jacked. But how are the results different? And what's what is the value in operating from a place of purpose rather than a place of shame? Well, I can speak for myself because that's all I can really do. When I'm operating from a place of shame, it is defeating, it feels hyper-critical and it's draining. I mean, imagine I'm trying to work on something or work towards something, and what's motivating me is this hateful voice in my head that's telling me I'm not good enough and I need to do more. You know, that may achieve results, but it's painful. And I mean, I think it leads to burnout. In the long run, if you can't adjust towards having purpose and something to drive you with purpose, I think it leads to burnout. I mean, come on, you can't live your entire life punishing yourself and yelling at yourself and berating yourself. Another way I like to think about this is imagine if that inner voice inside of you that was your, that was motivating you, right? This this uh this critical voice inside of you, imagine if it was standing next to you when you were, say, I mean, I keep using this example at the gym, right? That's motivating you to work towards better fitness. Imagine if that voice was your friend sitting out to the right next to you, yelling at you, or saying things to you, like, that was terrible. Do one more. Oh, look at you. You look disgusting. I mean, Jesus, that guy, that guy would get beat up. You know what I mean? I wouldn't let that guy talk to you like that if I saw you in the gym, like, hey man, who are you? Why do you hang out with this guy? You know, I mean, that's that's terrible. It's defeating, it's draining. And I also don't think it leads to fulfillment. I think that when we're comparing ourselves or we have some sort of standard that we need to meet, I think that if we eventually meet it, I don't think it leads to long-term fulfillment. It may feel good in that moment, like, oh, look at us. We did this thing, we we achieved that, but I don't think it leads to long-term fulfillment. I think that operating from a place of purpose does. So let's talk about that. Um, what does it look like to operate from a place of purpose and what are the results of that? Well, I think that when we operate from a place of purpose, we have explored within ourselves what it is we want and what it is we will find fulfilling. And I think it's easier to feel really great about yourself when you know you're you're moving the needle towards something you know that matters towards you. And I also think that when we achieve that thing, when we get, when we even just make noticeable progress towards it, damn, that feels really good. Feels really, really good because we know that it is completely in line with our values, who we are, what we want, and it's going to it's going to make us fulfilled and we know that. So I think even making progress towards it leads to fulfillment. Whereas operating from a place of shame, I don't. I think it I think it leads to this temporary sense of satisfaction, achievement, or pride. But I do not believe that it leads to long-term, meaningful fulfillment. So, yes, I think when operating from a place of purpose, we are able to find fulfillment. Also, uh, this inner dialogue that motivates us in our head when we're when we're trying to achieve something that matters to us or that is in align with what we want and who we are and our values, we're not basing our worth on some sort of condition. We don't have to. You know, I want to be strong and healthy so that I can do this, this, and this. You know, that that's a value. It's not saying I can only be happy or I'm not good enough if I don't do this, this, and this. No, it's just saying like that these things matter to me and I want to do them. My sense of self-worth does not have to come from doing these things. My sense of self-worth can come from within. I can tap into that and it's always there. And I don't have to do anything to be good enough. But I can go out there and make my life a whole hell of a lot better. I think that's a whole uh better way to frame things and to look at things. So, yes, although at times the path can look differ, can look similar. The path can look similar for two people with completely different operating systems, one on shame, one on purpose. They can they can both be doing similar things that look very similar. But I think their experience in that moment is vastly different. And I also think they're headed to two different areas. For example, I imagine, again, using this gym example, somebody who's going to the gym to stay in shape, they are basing their self-worth off of this conditional, off of the condition that they must be healthy and fit and in shape. And when they are, they feel good enough and they feel this sense of pride. And when they're not, they feel a sense of shame and doubt and unworthiness. And that's likely how they treat the other people in their life, too. If the other people in their life are, oh, haven't been going to the gym for a while or or they lost their job or you know, whatever, insert whatever here, they're probably going to treat these people as if they're not good enough, too, because that's how they treat themselves. Right? So they they live conditionally. I say they, I mean I've I've done this and I do this, and I'm actively trying to move away from that, right? And then the thought process of someone someone living from a place of purpose or at least attempting to do that doesn't have to be defined by their body. Doesn't have to be defined by their job. But they they can know that it's something that does fulfill them and add value to their life, and they can pursue it. But they do not have to, they do not have to be happy based on the condition of being fit or having a good job or or anything like this. Yeah, so let's sum up the benefits one more time of operating from a place of purpose. Firstly, it's empowering to have a goal that motivates you and that you feel aligned with. I think a sense of peace comes with that, knowing that you're moving towards something that matters, that you're moving the needle towards something that matters in your life. Even if you're very far, even if there's a very lot of obstacles in the way and a lot of things that may need to change. If you know that you're moving the needle, I think that that can be very empowering and can bring about a lot of peace. The second benefit is that it comes from within. When you're operating from a place of purpose, it is something you have decided is of value to you. That is something that cannot be taken away or changed by somebody. If you're operating from the outside and basing your value on something that you heard or comparison or something like that, that is a moving target that changes and is difficult to keep track of or almost impossible because it'll always change. And then thirdly, that my uh my worthiness doesn't come from taking action, but from something deep within me. This means that I can I can mess up, I can skip a day, I can sleep in, I can I can fail from time to time, and I can still be worthy, I can still be enough. I don't have to achieve things to be good enough. I can know that I am and act from that place because I know that it's going to add to my life, not make me enough, or not make me worthy, or make me complete, or make me whole. So now let's talk about how to intervene. Because I can only speak for myself, and that's that's all I will do, but I do think that this is something that a lot of people deal with. And I do think that this is something that a lot of people wane back and forth between. I think it is normal, and I think it's at least in some to some degree a part of the human condition to compare ourselves to other people or to internalize the messages from the world that we live in, our family, society, the culture we live in. It's uh it's normal for us to internalize these beliefs that we need to achieve something or be be this or be that in order to be good enough, right? So it's easy to fall into the shame spiral and thinking that we need to do certain things in order to be enough. Um, but ultimately it's it's not true. And it doesn't have to be true, right? This is a feeling that we're feeling. So when we're feeling this way, how can we reshift back into a state of purposeness, into a state of purpose? And for me, that practice lately has been looking like a few things. Firstly, taking deep breaths. When I notice that I'm caught in ego, or that there's some sort of uh thought spiral that I'm going down of comparison or of worry about what someone's thinking of me or or if I'm doing enough in a given moment or something like that. If I'm operating from a place of shame or fear or negativity, for me, taking deep breaths seems to help a lot. Taking space to realize what I'm doing, relaxing, even a kind, gentle reminder that, hey, it's okay, this is normal, but we don't have to do that. Something that I really find to be helpful, that some people may find cheesy, but I find to be really helpful, is developing a relationship with your inner child. And I think people read people frame this in a lot of different ways, but I see my inner child as my my genuine loving self that uh that wants things that needs things, and is you know, at the core of who I am. And I think throughout living and throughout life, I've adopted a lot of unconscious beliefs and character defects based upon you know the world that I live in and what society expects from me, what the culture I live in expects of expects of me. And I'm constantly, you know, trying to compensate for all these things. And uh this this little boy inside of me knows exactly what I want and who I am. And uh, you know, the part of this practice is developing this this. Uh relationship to him, to me, you know, this is who I'm talking about, is really me at my core. But developing this relationship to him so that I can I can better speak to him and coach him through life. That's also called reparenting. Uh, you know, it's it's learning how to be a parent for yourself. Because uh I think this this uh when we're operating from a place of shame, we are parenting ourselves in those moments, or just being a critical parent. You know, those those uh those uh default, this shameful default mode that we will often switch to. That's our critical parent speaking to us. That's that uh whether we like it or not, we are parenting ourselves. It's just uh whether or not we're being conscious about how we do it, right? Uh so whenever we notice that we are we are being too critical of ourselves and being shameful, and that we are you know being negative to ourself, we can stop, take a few deep breaths, like I was mentioning, and intervene. Say, ah, hey man, I see. I see uh that you care a lot about what these people think of you, or that you're you're running on uh shame right now, and that's okay, and I love you. We don't have to do that. Uh what is it that you really want? What why are you here? What are you doing right now? What is our goal? You know, and you can switch back to that mindset and that way of thinking in that moment uh rather than operating from that place of shame. So, yeah, I would say that that's mainly what comes to me when I'm thinking of how we can intervene and take steps towards uh changing uh the narrative from shame to purpose, taking deep breaths, getting in touch with our inner child, or just ourselves and noticing how we speak to ourselves, if you don't like that language, and uh just being a coach for ourselves and coaching us back to a place of purpose and making sure that in this moment we're living in alignment with who we are and who we want to be, and uh we're not operating from that fearful, doubtful, negative place. But that's all I got for this episode, guys. Um, I hope you got something out of this. I hope it makes you want to live in a way that is more in aligned with who you are, and I hope it makes you take a look at your goals and the things that you're pursuing. And uh, I hope it makes you want to make sure that these things are in alignment with what you want for your life. Uh, yeah. So I hope you got something out of this episode today, and uh I appreciate you.