"Friendships That Fade: The Silent Goodbyes"

Have you ever noticed how some friendships slip away without drama or fallout? That's exactly what we're diving into this week—those connections that gradually fade into oblivion without any clear ending.

As we mature, many of us become more selective about where we direct our relational energy, prioritizing reciprocal connections over obligatory ones. There's profound freedom in recognizing that some friendships serve important purposes for specific periods without lasting forever. "Peace to all those who have faded into oblivion" captures the healthy perspective many reach—appreciating what each relationship meant during its season without guilt about its natural evolution.

What friendships have faded in your life? Have you found yourself on both sides of the equation? Subscribe and share this episode with someone who might need permission to feel at peace with changing relationship dynamics.

Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com

Transcript

Speaker 1 0:12

I'm excited to talk about this topic today friendships that fade because we have kind of covered before about like friendships that end, but this is a little bit different. Today we're going to get into more of like the ones that just sort. This is a little bit different. Those are the today we're going to get into more of like the ones that just sort of like fade into oblivion, and so I'm excited to hear your thoughts on this. I'm excited to give my thoughts on this. Shout out to our producer, seth, for coming up with this topic idea, along with many others that you're going to hear in season five. He is killing it.

Speaker 2 0:41

I know I'm excited to talk about this one and, just like you, said everything that he sent us. I'm like, why didn't I think of that? Like it's so fresh, so fun and immediately it's like these are going to be so engaging and great and we're just so thankful to have him on board. So again, we love you, seth, thank you.

Speaker 1 0:58

So let's get into it. For me, the first thing that comes to mind, I'm thinking about some friends that moved away. Right, they lived here, we were really tight while they were here, and then, for whatever reason, something took them, you know, either to another state or another city. And so I think about those friendships that that have sort of faded over time. What I will say is that I do make a point to connect with those people. So, while they have faded in some respects, like I'm not seeing them every day, you know, when we do get together we do tend to just fall right back into where we left off, because, let's face it, this is a busy season of life. If you're a midlifer, you're just hanging on for dear life at this point, and so we don't have time to really put in a ton of effort into our friendships, and I mean for a long time I would say our friendship had faded. You know, we'd see each other when I was in town, but we didn't talk every day like we do now.

Speaker 2 2:01

Or even text you know regularly.

Speaker 1 2:03

So it's so easy to sort of let things fade, especially when it's somebody you don't see every day.

Speaker 2 2:08

Yeah, and I think that's one big factor. Like you said, a move or some environmental like thing separates you as in like distance. And then it's another thing, like whenever life circumstances or a lack of evolution within the relationship is maybe what causes it to fade.

Distance, Effort, and Busy Lives

Speaker 1 2:27

But you have to be really intentional, like once you don't have those contrived sort of situations where you're going to see each other, whether your kids go to school together or they're playing on the same soccer team or whatever it is. It really takes a lot of like scheduling effort to get together. Even though you know you're going to have a good time, you know you enjoy their company, it's still like, at the end of the day, there's only so much time and you know that's why you know, a lot of times I'll send a text like hey, thinking about you and I haven't seen you in months, or talk to you face to face. But I just want you to know like you do cross my mind and I try to be pretty intentional about that, because those people mean something and I don't want them to think that they don't. You know, or that you know because I don't see you all the time. I don't ever think of you anymore.

Speaker 2 3:17

Yeah, that's reciprocal though, isn't it? So what do you do then? I guess it's like you send that text or you send that post or whatever it. Is it a thought, a reconnection, and you get crickets back? Or it's just like a delay response like then, then what?

Speaker 1 3:37

like then what? What happens then? Well, I think it just you know. Now I'm at an age where I'm like it doesn't hurt my feelings anymore because I get it everybody's busy and but those aren't people that are also going to make the effort or be intentional about getting together with me. It's funny because that actually just happened where I had like commented on something and then that person sent me a DM and in response to something that I had sent them like a month or two ago, you know, and so it just you know.

Speaker 1 4:09

Again, I think you just kind of have to kind of put people in buckets, right, you got different buckets of people and friendships sort of like wax and wane, but I don't think there's ever anything wrong with just like putting yourself out there. I don't think there's ever anything wrong with just like putting yourself out there. I don't. You know. There are people I worked with that I would have called, you know, friends of mine five years ago, and I haven't seen them since I quit that job. You know what do they say? Some people are just meant to be in your life for a season. Some people aren't meant to be lifers, you know, and so recognizing that, but I don't think there's ever anything wrong with reaching out to somebody and letting them know you're thinking about them, particularly if nothing bad ever happened, no fallout ever occurred.

Speaker 2 5:00

Yeah, I think that that's the biggest thing, like if there's if we were ending a relationship because of some fight or conflict or toxicity, then that's one thing.

Speaker 2 5:08

But whenever it's just like a slow burn to its own kind of like I don't know that death's the right word, but, just like you said, like a fade, then it just is what it is and it doesn't have any harm associated with it.

Speaker 2 5:21

But there's still, I think, an element of loss or letdown that can occur. And I'm thinking of a situation kind of that happened a little bit with my husband. He had a friend that he really enjoyed kind of talking with, that he really felt like they shared a lot of similar life experiences and there was just not a whole lot of um effort on the other end to be kind of committed to even like following through, like on a chat or like they would try to schedule like zooms or whatever, because again, distance does play a factor in things and you know he'd always kind of be sitting there on zoom, you know, waiting for somebody to join, and at first it kind of became one of those like long standing jokes like hey, miss this one again, sorry man. You know, hey miss this one again, sorry man.

Speaker 2 6:12

And then, at like month 11.

Speaker 1 6:15

And we're still doing this, I mean for me, I probably just I would.

The Pain of One-Sided Efforts

Speaker 2 6:21

I would have not invested past, like probably I don't know. I just don't have that long of an investment period. You know what I mean. If I keep trying to put myself out there or on something, I'm not going to make it to month 11. I might make it to the end of month one, but that's just a difference in our two personalities.

Speaker 2 6:42

He has much more patience than I have much more patience than different things than each other. But you know, at the end of that it was just kind of like a really sad kind of thing, because at that point it's like you realize maybe you didn't have anything to kind of start with. So, it feels like rejection. We're just kind of like a loss in a sense.

Speaker 1 7:04

Yeah, and I keep reminding myself that everybody is going through something and that you just never know Like we only have so much capacity at the end of the day.

Speaker 1 7:15

And you know, I look at my husband, who has the same group of friends that he has had since college. Like, if you asked him who his best friends were, it's all the guys that were in our wedding. Right, like I could pick up, I could put a picture up of all the guys that were in our wedding. And he still communicates. I'm trying to think if there's anybody in that group that he doesn't. I mean, I think every single one of them he still communicates with pretty regularly and most of them are on like a group chat. But like I think about the women that were in my wedding and like I don't talk to any of them and it's not to mean that, like you know, there was one that I had a falling out with, but the others there was nothing. It was just, like you said, kind of like a slow burn of, like you just sort of lose touch over time my core group of girlfriends here in Charleston that we all we always laugh and we're like gosh, if we got married today, like you all would totally be in my wedding. Like you are my, my girls, you're my rock, and I think that there's something to be said and I tell my kids.

Speaker 1 8:12

This too, like it's okay to have different core groups of friends throughout life, like that's going to change over time, just by the nature of the beast, right, a lot of times in our season of life has to do with, like, what your kids are involved with, what neighborhood you live in, right, those are like that's mostly how, or the people that you're going to see on a regular basis, the kids that you're, or the parents of kids that your kids go to school with, and so I just I think that again I, as I get older, I don't take those things personally anymore.

Speaker 1 8:52

I definitely used to take it personally and now I'm just kind of like I get it Like we're all just trying to survive day in and day out. Like I look at my calendar for next month and it makes me start sweating immediately and I'm like I don't, you know I was trying to plan like to go to yoga with a friend earlier today, and I'm like I don't, you know I was trying to plan like to go to yoga with a friend earlier today and I'm like, well, I guess I'll see in June if that even works out, because you know, it's just you're trying to schedule things and it's really hard if there's not that natural like built in. I'm going to see you, you know, at soccer on Saturday or whatever.

Speaker 2 9:25

Yeah, friendships have almost transitioned into a point of convenience and even more so onto a land of proximity. I mean, that's how we all made friends as kids, like who was in your classroom, who lived on your street? Well, things really haven't changed as adults, but I think what does is our perspective whenever they're no longer there.

Speaker 2 9:47

And then you may run into them or see him or hear a story about him. It almost kind of invulks, maybe like a feeling of nostalgia or just reconnection, sadness, disappointment, I don't know A whole lot of other things that can kind of awkwardness maybe. That, like I'm thinking, even about like our.

Speaker 1 10:04

Yeah, that's a good one.

Long-Term vs. Seasonal Friendships

Speaker 2 10:05

Yeah, like our high school reunion and stuff like that I knew is going to be coming up and we'll probably talk a little bit about this. But you know, there's some connections, that we had, some friendships that were pretty close, and those are going to be people that we're going to be seeing and I'm sure it'll be really fun for a weekend and then it'll just, I don't know, maybe it won't feel more weird, maybe it will. I kind of think it might. It'll be definitely awkward, definitely awkward.

Speaker 2 10:35

I mean, those situations are always awkward especially like both people acknowledge that the relationship isn't like where it was or where it could be. Yeah, yeah, that also is something that is a little challenging maybe to sit with. I don't know. Awkward is just the word that keeps popping up.

Speaker 1 10:51

Yeah, and I get that. I mean there's definitely people I can think of friendships like deep, deep friendships that I've had in life, and like again, for whatever reason, like they just fade into oblivion. And there is something that kind of stings about it Like, well, am I not worth, like you, like texting me once in a blue moon to say hey, or happy birthday, like you know, my birthday, like you know. But then I have to think like well, do I? I'm sure there are people out there that feel that way about me. I'm sure there are people that I sort of faded into oblivion and they wonder the same thing about me.

Speaker 1 11:24

I think I just am trying to be way more self-aware before I start like getting my feelings hurt or judging someone else's behavior. Like also really like examining my own behavior in this regard, because I'm certain that other people feel that way and it's not just me. And I think that's where it's easier not to take it so personally anymore. It's just life, it just you know what's meant to be, won't miss you, and if it was meant to be long term, like us, I mean there was a good like those years between, I would say, college, like late college, through grad school.

Speaker 1 12:05

I mean like I couldn't even tell you how many times we talked in those few years. I mean you did come to my wedding so I mean clearly we were still in contact with each other. But even then, like you were in such a different part of your life, right, you were in graduate school or you were finishing and doing like your clinical stuff, and then you had a child Like just in, and I was still like party and hearty at that point and so it just it was different times and so I think again it just didn't allow for us to have like a ton in common or a ton of time to connect.

Speaker 2 12:47

Mm.

Speaker 2 12:47

Hmm, yeah, and I think that we were both patient and understanding those circumstances and didn't see malice in it, and I think that that's why our relationship was able to hold up so long and it is where it's at today is because of those factors right there.

Speaker 2 13:02

Like again, nothing, life happened. But every time you came in we try to you know what I mean see each other go to a martial game, whatever, yeah, just a little bit here and there, or at least I knew you'd be in around Christmas time and stuff. But I think whenever a relationship is like that, then it's easier just to kind of reconnect on and then if you get around that person and everything falls back into place, then it really hasn't ever faded, it's just been stretched a little bit or it's been. Then it really hasn't ever faded, it's just been stretched a little bit or it's been, you know, just at a different place and space with things. But I think the awkwardness sets in is whenever maybe you get the opportunity to see that person from that relationship, that's kind of went into the oblivion and then it's like you don't even know who they are or they don't know who you are, or you don't even know what to say anymore.

Speaker 2 13:51

they don't know who you are, or you don't even know what to say anymore because there's just been so much space that's kind of come in between it. And again, it doesn't mean that there's been malice or hurt or anything, but it just creates its own seed of like hey, like this is, you know, nice to see you, you too.

Reconnection Without Awkwardness

Speaker 1 14:09

Yeah, there's always a little bit of awkwardness. It doesn't matter, even if you do eventually. Like I had a friend that moved to Hong Kong and I remember the first time like we got together, it had been over five years. We she had had three kids at that point, so it was like how's this gonna be right? And then it was totally cool and it was like we fell right back into it and and I I remember like being so nervous to meet up with that person just for that exact reason. Like you're like, is this going to be awkward? Are we going to have anything to talk about? And you know, it seems like more often than not, it does always just fall into place. I mean, at your core you're probably mostly who you were.

Speaker 2 14:51

I'd like to think that about myself.

Speaker 1 14:52

Anyway, I don't know, do you feel that way, or do you feel? Like you've changed a lot.

Speaker 2 14:59

I, on one hand, I'd like to say, for the purposes of self-development, that yes, of course I've changed a lot, I've done a lot of, but I, I don't know. I think that I probably need outside perspective on this. I still feel like I'm almost, but that's just because I don't put a lot of value or weight on what other people think, so I've never really cared that much too. It's all about, I mean, I hate to say it that way, but it's. How do I think about myself and am I happy with the person I am today and presenting today? Am I staying authentic and true to who I am? And I think I feel like I've always done that, and it's probably not always been in my favor, you know, but I can acknowledge that, right, I feel like I don't know. I feel like I'm this. I feel like I'm pretty much the same person I've always been. We'll find out. Maybe we should do this as a poll for our 25 year reunion. Is this person?

Speaker 2 15:49

the same as they've been.

Speaker 1 15:52

Well it will be interesting to revisit this after our after our reunion and be like wow, what was that? Like? Right, because our 20th. We graduated in the year 2000. Best class ever, and we were supposed to have our reunion in 2020. It was all planned and it got canceled, and so this is the first time we're all seeing each other since our 10 year reunion.

Speaker 1 16:14

For those people that came, which we had a pretty good turnout, from what I recall I don't know a blast at our 10 year reunion. So you know, it was like there were like two different groups of people. They were like the people that had families and then like the people like me that were like no families, just raging on over here with my boat and party life. Not that I was like wild, but you know I just was. I didn't have a family, family. I don't even know if I was married then, but at any rate, it just it'll be very interesting to kind of revisit this topic after that because we will have seen many people, hopefully, that we haven't seen in a long time.

Speaker 2 16:52

I do think that it is fun to reconnect, though, like there's a group of girls here that I get just recently. We went out to dinner like a month ago, but it was just again. It was easy once we kind of all got together. But there are those like pauses or awkwardness where like hey, yeah, I saw this on Facebook, saw this on Instagram, congratulations, right. But then you know, you're able to kind of slip in back to like oh my gosh, no way, kind of situations and it makes it easy again.

Speaker 1 17:17

That is such an interesting caveat. Like you're saying, like we have the benefit of social media, so, even though you haven't spoken to somebody in several years, you could know everything about their life, or at least their highlight reel. And so you're like oh, I know you have two kids, and a boy and a girl, and I know that you're married and this is your second. Like there's so much you can know about someone without actually having a conversation with them. That's even like somewhat awkward. The first time you meet somebody, if you've already followed them on Instagram or on social media, you're like oh, I already know a ton about you and you know. But you're also still like trying to like make conversation and so I think you know, on one hand, I think that's a real benefit. Like I've ran into people when I'm in town in West Virginia and they're like oh my gosh, I see on, I see you on social media, blah, blah, blah, and like there's something about that like where you still feel connected to them in some way.

Social Media's Effect on Connections

Speaker 2 18:12

Yeah, whenever I think about it, now that we've said it out loud, it feels like we could almost use that as an excuse to to not reach out to somebody, use that as an excuse to not reach out to somebody Like I already know what's going on in their life, or I see everything that's happening, or it creates an illusion of connectiveness that really isn't there.

Speaker 2 18:30

And also, if this was happening whenever we were kids, this would be called stalking. So if I run into somebody that I hadn't seen in like 25 years, right and you know everything about me, but also haven't reached, out and said hi, that's weird, right, and I don't think I'd do that. I mean, if I'm friends with somebody, I'm at least going to comment or like something here and there.

Speaker 1 18:51

For sure.

Speaker 1 18:53

I'm not just going to look at their stuff and then mosey on my way. Yeah, that is a little stalker-ish, but I don't know. I do find it interesting that it's a way to still know very much, like a lot, about a person. You're like, oh yeah, I saw that on social Like, how many times have you been in a conversation with somebody? You're catching up? And you're like, well, they're like, what have you been into? And you're like, well, I'd be like. Well, I just went to the Bahamas and then I went on spring break down to Florida and they're like, oh yes, I saw your social media posts. It's like cool, cool. I guess I don't need to tell you the details. We swam with dolphins and saw a sea turtle. Oh, you saw that. Okay, cool, cool, like. That almost like inhibits your conversations a little bit.

Speaker 2 19:40

I think I'm just at a point in my life where I really prioritize, and this is like shifting priorities, something else I think we'll end up talking about, like what am I investing in? And it is most important for me that I am investing in myself, my family you know what I mean my relationships that are reciprocal and I just don't reach outside of that bucket and I have really made an oblig, a promise almost to myself, that if I feel a relationship is obligatory, I don't it's not genuine for me as a human being to be in it and I'm really trying again to be a 100% genuine and not just like a people pleaser or going along with things because I should, or there's family, or there's friends, or it will look bad.

Speaker 2 20:32

You know all of these messages we tell ourself about people in relationships. I'm just not doing any of that anymore because it just wasn't effective. Not that it ever did or didn't create problems, it just didn't work, like if it just didn't work, so it just didn't work.

Prioritizing Genuine Relationships

Speaker 1 20:51

And I love the episode we did called I said what I said where we go into a deep dive on that of, like refusing to be a part of forced relationships of any sort, friendships, anything, just refusing to put ourselves in that situation. So, if you want, if that is a topic that strikes a chord with you, check out that episode, because that's a good one, and I've had a lot of people reach out to me like I love that episode and I personally also love that episode Because it's just also realizing like, like you said, we only have so much time and like what I'm putting my energy into has to be worth it and I also think for the ones that just sort of fade, it's okay to recognize or even like have some peace about. Like at one point you did really put a lot into that relationship or friendship and now I'm giving my energy to something else. You know my kids and my husband and my extended family and my you know like that's one thing the older I get, I have definitely developed deeper relationships with, like my extended family and in-laws and you know, like those people you know those are my lifers, you know, and so those are the people that I'm really investing time in not so much like trying to have a million friendships. You know, I got my core group, the girls, and that's okay, that's all I need. Peace to all those who have faded away, and that's okay, that's all I need. Peace to all those who have faded away. Peace to all those that have faded into oblivion All right?

Speaker 1 22:28

Well, I think we covered this, and if you want to hear more about friendships, I mean, I'm always willing to talk about this. I love this topic. But we have some really special guests on the docket for season five, so make sure you're tuning in, hit that subscribe and like button, send it to your friends and family. We are really trying to grow this podcast community. This is a really big goal for us in season five. So we would, if you listen to us, we would appreciate any love that you give to us in return. So thanks for listening to this episode Until next week. Y'all Lylas, we're out.