The LYLAS Podcast
If you know what LYLAS stands for, then this podcast is for you! Two besties since middle school turned moms and psychologists dish on "the good, the fun, and the yucks" of life! We're tackling all things mental health, "mom balance" (whatever the hell that is), transitions in life (divorce, career, aging parents, parent loss, loss of friendships), self-care, travel, healthy habits, raising kids, and allllllll the things us midlife mamas are experiencing. We hope each week listeners feel like they just left a good ol' therapy session with their bestie! We'll dish on all the tips and tricks to keep your mental health in check and enjoy this thing called life! Meet your life's newest cheerleaders-- Sarah & Jen! LYLAS!
The LYLAS Podcast
We Can't Control What Triggers Us, But We Can Master Our Response
Emotional triggers—or as we've come to reframe them, "emotional traps"—are those experiences that send us spiraling into strong reactions that we sometimes regret. We're diving deep into understanding these patterns and how to respond more effectively when they arise.
The term "triggered" has become diluted in everyday language. Originally a clinical term associated with PTSD, it's now used casually in ways that sometimes diminish genuine trauma responses. This doesn't mean our emotional reactions aren't valid—they absolutely are—but framing them as "traps" helps distinguish everyday emotional responses while still honoring their significance.
What makes these emotional traps particularly challenging is that we often set them ourselves. Maybe you become reactive when important conversations are avoided or when action plans aren't followed through. Perhaps you spiral when situations make you feel that you're "not enough"—that fundamental human fear that drives so much of our behavior. During midlife, particularly through perimenopause, these physical and emotional factors can be amplified, creating what feels like a constant state of emotional volatility.
The ultimate goal isn't to eliminate emotional traps entirely—that's not possible as humans. It's to develop awareness of our patterns and prepare thoughtful responses instead of knee-jerk reactions. Join us as we explore this daily work of emotional regulation that builds resilience and ultimately leads to more fulfilling relationships throughout midlife and beyond.
Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com
I don't know what it is, but a lot of times we have these great ideas to talk about really serious topics and then it's like, oh shit, we're talking about a serious topic.
Jenny:I have to agree with you. This one was funny because I knew it was coming up and then I listened to an episode of Move With Heart podcast and it was about knowing your triggers and how you respond to them, because that's really the only thing you can control is your response right.
Sarah:I mean, things are going to trigger you, you can't take that.
Jenny:I don't know you're the therapist here but you can't take that.
Sarah:You're the I don't know, you're the therapist here something that can be triggering, and how it's triggering, I think is also important whether it causes some type of physical, visceral type of reaction, whether it provokes a really strong emotional reaction where you just go over the top or it causes you to kind of like shut down. It's not just something happens and you get upset, because then I don't think we're doing justice to ourselves and what we're feeling at that time, and then we're also likely not communicating to the world, whoever it may be, what is going on within ourselves.
Sarah:And so it's a lot.
Jenny:The shitstorm of feelings that you're probably feeling if you've been triggered that word has been used so much, almost like overplayed, and you know you'll hear people say, well, I was just really triggered. And you know you'll hear people say, well, I was just really triggered and maybe you were, but that's also, you know, kind of letting go of your accountability for your response and I'll put myself in that bucket right, like we could all be better at owning our own responses and our own behavior. You're like but I, but I was just responding yes, and that is true. But what can also be true is like your response could have been better and you can refine that. And I think that's where you can just acknowledge, like that we're all always trying to get better at our responses. I was just having this real philosophical thought Like why do you think we're thinking about things like this now? Do you think it's our age of like midlife, of like okay, acknowledging like yes, this triggers me.
Sarah:But like, why do you think we're paying more attention to it as midlifers? Yeah, I think first is that just as a society in general, we're talking much more about emotional mental health type issues, I mean from a clinical standpoint. So just to take it into that realm just for like a moment, you know the actual diagnosis of PTSD, which is typically aligned more with triggers than how we just use it as common language right now, wasn't even in the DSM until like the late 1970s. Okay, even though emotion like PTSD as we know it and kind of describe it today, has happened since humans have been alive. I mean, that is something that is just an innate part of a human condition whenever you are put through a certain set of circumstances. And so I think through the last several decades really, we and maybe even thanks to some social media have been talking so much more about emotional mental health, wellness in general, and when that starts to happen, terms that are generally just used within a clinical context become a part of the general culture.
Sarah:And so I get real sensitive, I guess sometimes whenever those words are used in that kind of context, because I think that at times it takes away from the severity of something that happened. I mean me. Getting pissed off at a situation does not equate to a soldier who's coming home you know what I mean from Afghanistan or Iraq or some other type of conflict. You know what I mean. Those two things are not the same, but they can both be upsetting within each person's fear of existing, and so I just get a little squirrely about those things at times. But I do think knowing what our emotional traps are might be a better word for me to use.
Jenny:I like that actually a lot like knowing your trap.
Sarah:Yeah Well, and traps sneak up on you just like a trigger does too, but I just don't. Again, I'm trying to move away from using clinical terms, even though I'm not even practicing clinically.
Jenny:This doesn't even matter, but you know what's interesting is like you can set your own trap, like it's not necessarily even a trap that someone else sets for you.
Jenny:You can be like building your own trap and get yourself in to these sort of triggered like situations, right, or like traps, where you have these big emotional responses and so just you know, I think the first part obviously like anything, it's the awareness of like oh, when this happens, I respond in this way and then you can kind of like just acknowledge, like oh, this seems to become a pattern for me or is a pattern?
Jenny:of things. When this happens, I respond in this way or this has this impact on me, right, and it could be a whole host of things. But then you can start to go from there and dig deeper. Okay, why is that upsetting me? Or whatever impact it's having on you.
Sarah:And then you can go down the route of like how am I going to mitigate this response that I'm having when something like this happens, response that I'm having yeah, when something like this happens, it does kind of take that willingness after the fact to step back and really do almost like a three-part analysis. It's like, okay, we know the behavior or we know the thing that just happened, but what were some of the precursors to it, you know? But that goes for you, for the situation, the individual, if it counts. To somebody else, like what were the other factors that made this ripened for a trap, to just to kind of be set? And that can be silly stuff or not even silly stuff, but just things we don't think about, like not sleeping. Well, we call it hangry for a reason. You know a whole host of different things. I get really bitchy when I'm thirsty, not even whenever I'm hungry, I'm dehydrated.
Sarah:Give me some salt packets people.
Jenny:Right, I agree with you. I also just think you know perimenopause, like we're constantly in a bad mood or at least I am like every five fucking seconds I feel like I have.
Jenny:My mood has changed and so um part of it, I think, is also to I feel more triggered or trapped. I have more opportunities to practice my response to things, because everything pisses me off, quite honestly, um, or like it could, if I let it. You know, just because of it just is there. Some days are better than others. But yeah, I wouldn't going back to that question of like, why do you think we notice it more? I'm like, is it because we just have more opportunities to notice it? Do you like know any of your triggers right off hand that you can think of?
Sarah:Well, I've been thinking about them a lot lately and because we've kind of talked about it. But you know, I, just I, I feel like it's important. You know we always talk about self-development, all this kind of stuff on here, and so what am I actually doing? That's part of walking. That walk and for me, um, the and this is what this is just my personal traps I have I start to boil, like maybe it starts off as a slow boil and then it just starts to kind of increase from there.
Sarah:Whenever I feel like there is avoidance or procrastination of something that's important, that I feel is important, like if it is talking about like a, I don't know even tiny things, like a trip in the future, or it could be about what we're going to do about this type of behavior.
Sarah:What are we going to do when this happens?
Sarah:Like if I feel like there is something important that I I need to talk about it, especially with those who it involves or who are close to me, and I feel like that they're not engaged or that it keeps being put off, or that the action that I'm requesting there's an element of procrastination in it. Jenny's laughing because she knows, like, exactly where I. Just I have a very, very, very difficult time with that because I am a person that will, if I am feeling something, it does cause discomfort, and so my initial response is not to run away from that, you know, it is to confront it and to talk about it and to problem solve it and to kind of like work it out Like what's the plan, what are we going to do? And when those steps don't happen and it just kind of gets pushed, that does not work. And so my response at those times is by the time it gets discussed, I'm already past the point of having a discussion and it turns into a conflict most of the time. I would say that that's a big thing.
Jenny:Well, we're very much alike in that way and that we let things fester. I do feel like I've gotten better at it at just saying what it is in the moment, but it's hard. It's hard to be the one to bring up uncomfortable things. It's hard to be the one to say this bothers me, or I wish you did this differently, or that hurt my feelings. As easy as those roll off the tongue right now when you're actually trying to say that to someone who you need to hear you. It's really hard, and so we do tend to sweep it under the rug and just let it sort of fester and then it kind of like comes out over something seemingly small that has been building for quite some time. So you and I are definitely alike in that.
Jenny:I think that's kind of a self-trap in some ways that we set. There is something to just saying it right and like letting it land and seeing how it lands, because, as a people pleaser, it is really hard to do that. And so, yeah, just like that practice of like building that muscle, of just saying it in the moment, letting it land and then, like, you can always repair. But you know, I just like that practice of like building that muscle of just saying it in the moment, letting it land, and then like you can always repair. But you know, I still feel like that's better than the overall like build up explosion that I am definitely guilty of.
Sarah:Yeah, and again, my buildup. I'll say what I'm thinking in that moment. That's not hard. Is it always appropriate? No, but my problem is, if we're not then taking the step to working towards problem solving or to coming up with a plan, that's where my trap comes into play.
Jenny:The non-response.
Sarah:Yeah, yeah, I'm much more of like let's go, like let's come up with an action plan, and then also, let's follow through with the action plan.
Jenny:Yeah, I think when I think about triggers or traps, for me it always boils down to the same thing and it's just like not being enough Right, and I think it's like the age old thing that everybody worries about, and I think that's, at the end of the day, what we're all so like striving to do is to like, prove our worth, whether we choose to acknowledge that or not, but anytime I feel like my worth has been what's the word?
Jenny:You know, I don't know the right word, but anytime it brings that feeling of like, worthlessness or just like that, I don't know the right word, but anytime it brings that feeling of like, worthlessness or just like that, I don't matter, or I'm not enough, not good enough, like that is always going to send me into a spiral. So you know again, lots of practice. I feel like you know in recent, the last six months but that's a good thing too is to practice, because you can't make that go away, like I'm. Unfortunately, that's part of the human experience is to feel like you're not good enough or that. You know, I think that's just part of it, because everybody feels that way at some point in life, in some aspect of life and, uh, that's not going away. But what I can change is how I respond to that feeling and how much you know real estate. I kind of let it eat up between my ears.
Sarah:Mm. Hmm, yeah, the daily work.
Jenny:The daily work. That's right, that's the work we do, that's the meditation, that's the you know, the whatever you want to call them grounding techniques, all the things that I do to try to like keep myself regulated these days. That's where the work comes in, it's all in, like your response and like, yeah, that's going to happen.
Jenny:And nine times out of 10,. If you probably knew the other side of the story and I say this to myself, saying this to myself, as I say this out loud if you knew the other side of the story, it's probably not what you think it is. You know, that's one of those things Perception is so personal and everybody's got a different perception of the situation. A lot of times it's so vastly different than what we make up in our head for the other person right.
Jenny:And so all these times that you feel less than because of something they did or said that was certainly, probably 95% of the time, wasn't a person's intention, but we don't always know that and we tend to let that affect us, or or some of us probably more than other people let it affect us. So we can't avoid them, but we can do the work to soften the edges in how we respond. Which is fair If that ain't some hippie love shit. All right.
Sarah:Sounds like fun.
Jenny:Kumbaya, my love, take it back to church.
Sarah:There we go, anyhow like we said, no one's perfect. You're still going to fall, but is it a bear trap or is it a mousetrap?
Jenny:Yeah, Right, and that's where your response comes in. Right, that's the main gist of like you can't stop things. You're not going to change other people's behavior, but you can change your own, so you can change your response. Then it comes into choosing, like well, one of my responses could be I don't have to be around this person, you can okay figure out. Okay, how am I going to work around this so that when this happens and I feel this way, how am I going to respond? Yeah, I even like yeah, sometimes I think it's good to practice in your head Like this is how I'm going to, this is what I'm going to do when I feel this way. I'm going to go to find some solitude, take some deep breaths, you know, let that shit roll off my back or whatever it is, and just realize that like it's not that important.
Sarah:We used to do this all the time. Clinically it was like a visualization exercise, and visualization has been used by athletes, the military, for years. I mean, that's what a gymnast and divers are the best examples Like they'll stand at that back corner at the board and you see them, they'll go. What they are actually doing, whenever they take that deep breath and pause, is that they are visually seeing themselves, their own body, their own movements, do whatever series that they are getting ready to do. So that way it creates another level of rehearsal, mechanically, that they're able to kind of cope with. And so we used to tell people imagine this situation in three different ways and imagine it to the absolute best way that you can, where the other person's responses facial features, tone of voice, the setting, the smells, the sounds, all the things that can be a part of that situation.
Sarah:Imagine it going best case scenario, worst case scenario and most likely, and that takes maybe a long time to do that, but sometimes, by taking the time to do that, you can then be prepared for whatever scenario is going to yeah kind of come up at that point and hell, maybe your worst case scenario comes off of what happened last week, you know.
Sarah:And still that's okay, because now you can use that as a base in order to kind of again build off of that Like and I think that that's important too Like, yes, some ship may have went totally south. Now let's use that as an example, so that way we can see, okay, well, that kind of sucked, and don't want to go back to that, but what's the next less thing that's going to suck, and it may not be all the way over there, the rose petals, you know what I mean. But what's the next step? Down from hell, you know, or out of hell? Um, you know, that might be the place.
Jenny:Oh Lord, have mercy. I like that. I like that analogy. Yeah, I think we've covered it right, as with most things, just goes back like preparing yourself for these situations right. That's why we do the work, that's why we say it over and over again, that's why we do the work, so that, when these things arise, you're more prepared in the moment to have the best possible response. So, physically, mentally, emotionally, all the things we cover, all the topics here on the Lylas podcast, all right, I think that'll wrap us up Until next week, lylas, you.
