Protecting Your Yes! The Art of Saying No

What if the kindest thing you can do for yourself and the people you love is a clear, respectful no? We open Season Six with a candid look at boundaries, burnout, and the deeper relief that comes when you stop trying to be everywhere for everyone. One of us walks through a surprising decision to turn down a fully funded academic program—an offer that looked ideal on paper but conflicted with our family’s golden years and the energy we want to protect. That story becomes the springboard for reframing no as how you protect your most meaningful yes.

Across the conversation, we share the tools that make boundary setting less scary and far more practical. You’ll learn body-first cues that flag overcommitment before your calendar does, the pause phrases that buy you time (“I need to check my calendar”), and simple scripts for a no-yes response that keeps relationships warm without sacrificing your bandwidth. We dig into people pleasing, social pressure, and the myth that good parents sign kids up for everything. Instead, we offer a values-based approach that helps families pick fewer, better commitments so weekends feel like living, not logistics.

To build confidence, we recommend micro no’s—those everyday moments at checkout counters and casual asks where you can practice declining kindly. We also explore focused generosity: choosing where to give and serve on purpose, so your yes remains meaningful. With the new year ahead, we talk about using clear goals to streamline decisions, aligning choices with what matters most, and letting go of perfection in favor of steady practice. If your life feels stretched thin, this conversation is your permission slip to set boundaries, protect your peace, and show up fully where it counts.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs a boundary boost, and leave a quick review to help others find us. Your support keeps the conversation going.

Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com

Transcript

Season Six Kicks Off

Why We Struggle To Say No

SPEAKER_01 0:12

I feel like this topic is empowering. So we're coming at your live season six. So happy that we are continuing to pull this train out of the station, you know, and to come up with I think more intention-based topics to highlight the work that we're kind of actually doing within our lives, but also that we hear other people on the daily just kind of struggling with. We've got a nice little lineup coming at you for season six. So if you haven't listened in before, if you're kind of curious, now's a good time to tune in.

SPEAKER_00 0:47

Yeah, more of the same, but still talking mental health, mental wellness. We we kind of cover it all, but we circle back like you know, trying to be the best version of ourself at the end of the day. So part of that is really starting to say no to things, which is so hard if you're like us and you're kind of like a people pleaser.

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Well, that, and then I think that some of it too is just like expectations. Like, shouldn't we be doing all the things? Shouldn't we be the person that shows up at every social event or social function, even if our own battery is drained? It's like there's that internal drive to please other people, but also like the outside societal pressure, maybe that we feel like we should. And it just leaves this chase in our tails so much, I feel like.

Turning Down A Big Opportunity

SPEAKER_00 1:40

Yeah. And well, I mean, hit the nail on the head, like doing it for other people versus like what we do for ourselves. Not to say that we shouldn't always do things, you know, things just for ourselves, but to really be intentional, intentional on what you're doing for others. So I got a great example of this. I recently had this really amazing opportunity uh to go back to school, like fully covered, you know, a coursework that I would do in a program like that is pretty aligned with the day in, day out kind of work that I do. So it all just kind of like made sense, right? And I was like, you know, I think I'm gonna do this. Like, this is a great opportunity. Yes, like talk to my family. My husband's like, do you? My kids are like, yeah. They're like unsure because they don't really understand. And but they're like, Yeah, mom, that's cool. Uh and then I really started to think about how much like sacrifice comes with that. And I just like times and how it's so apparent to me how quickly it's going by. These are the golden years, you know, and so I want to be present to the best of my ability. So anyway, ultimately have decided it's a no. And I need to tell the people, right, that are um over this program and um and let them know. So what's the pause in telling them about it? Uh just finding the right time. Like this is it's that's the hardest part for me in like any relationship. I feel like I'll wait till there's like the right time, the right moment. And sometimes that happens and sometimes that doesn't, and that's bit me in the ass.

SPEAKER_01 3:21

And sometimes just practicing even saying something like that out loud, even if it's not specifically to the person that needs to hear it, having the practice go of saying it to your family, I think is a great first step, especially when we're used to being just yes people all of the time to any opportunity that comes up. It's almost sometimes like an impulsive response or decision that comes up. And we don't even check with others. Like we don't even check in, like, well, we might have this going on, we might have another child has that happening, or we already committed to something else, or our husband already said something to us, and then we're already saying yes, and then we're stuck. And so practicing it in those safe situations with safe people, I think is a great first start before going to the actual person to approach the situation because there's some level of like, I don't know, I think we don't want to necessarily disappoint other people. We don't want to um feel like we're letting them down in whatever way. We don't want to put more on their shoulder, but then on top of that, it's like, what if one day I need a return favor and now I can't get it because I've turned them down? I mean, that's got to be a piece of things sometimes too, right?

SPEAKER_00 4:35

Well, you don't want to like regret. I think that's always like the biggest thing. It's like, well, what will I regret the opposite? But um, ultimately you have to decide what's what aligns with your goals.

Reframing No To Protect Your Yes

SPEAKER_01 4:46

And I I think one way to kind of reframe this in some ways is that whenever we say no to doing something, what we are also doing is protecting our yes. So we are protecting our yes to another opportunity that we don't even know maybe coming up on our door. But because we've taken a step back and recognized that we're not all in, then that then gives you the freedom and the opportunity to embrace something that's more meant or aligned for you later. You know, sometimes saying no is actually the way to protect your yes. And so I would think of that as a more positive kind of reframe in that regard.

Tips For Overcommitted Parents

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Yeah, it uh it opens the opportunity for something else to happen, right? So that's a potential yes. One door closes, another opens. Like some of those old corny sayings, they've stuck around for a reason.

SPEAKER_01 5:39

So if you are a person that struggles with saying no, we have a few tips that we just kind of want to run down and maybe some scenarios that might help out with this. Because again, I think as we're moving through this like stage in life, we want to be more independent and not necessarily relying so much on everything else for our own feelings of worth or direction. And while at the same time keeping in mind that we don't want to be overextending ourselves or unintentionally overextending our kids by getting them overcommitted into a bunch of different activities. And I think we fall into that trap a lot of times as parents, too.

Listen To Your Body’s Signals

SPEAKER_00 6:20

Yeah, I would agree with that. You can't do it all. And then you do end up doing way more than, you know, you ever committed to something and you get to it and you're like, what was I thinking? You know, you're just mad at yourself and uh trying to uh I don't know, trying to do less that. And then you have things to actually look forward to instead of it just being a rat race. Like the things that I've committed to, I'm actually very excited about, you know, versus like, well, we have to do this, we have to do this.

Pause Phrases And Scripts

SPEAKER_01 6:51

So what brings us kind of back to some of this stuff is if you notice that you've been asked a question to do something, whether it's for yourself, a social event, your kids, or anything else, the first thing I would do is just kind of pause and notice how your body responds to it. Your body will respond before your mind has a chance to kind of catch up to it and listen to the signal that it's sending. Because you might start to feel like a little bit of tightness within your chest. You might like take like a deep breath, or you might feel like a big push just to kind of jump in. But that's where just take a moment when being asked to do something that involves a level of commitment and just see how your body responds because it's going to tell you immediately if that's gonna be a good yes or a no. And so sit back and pause with that one for a minute before diving in. And by doing that, it again, it gives us a minute to not be impulsive, especially if we are a yes person that just kind of goes in and says, Yeah, I think we might be able to do that. By taking that moment to kind of do that self-body scan to see what message that is giving to us, then we're then able to use something like a pause phrase. Have you ever heard of that before? Kind of used them. So basically, it's um a way that we can just like it says, push pause on the conversation so that way we can come back and explore it later.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

This is something I really have to practice. Like I laugh when you're like, just take a beat, you know, impulse control. Like that is so hard for me. I just I respond, right? Instantly respond. Don't think. It just comes out, no filter. And so sometimes that's how that's like something that I really have to practice.

SPEAKER_01 8:39

Yeah, it's so hard because it's so easy just to get into that rhythm and just to go ahead and say, well, I can manage it, or that's what our previous history about ourselves is. Yeah, I think we'll be able to make something work. Making something work, Jillian, doesn't make something work for you. It makes stress happen in your life, it makes it much tougher. And so my pause phrase that I tend to use is that maybe I'd like to, but I have to look at my planner. I have to look at my calendar. I cannot commit to anything without looking at that first. And then if I and I'll just leave it at that. And then it's my job then, you know what I mean, to go back and say, you know what, um, I already have something on that date. Sorry. But then maybe commit to trying to do something later. I may not be able to do this now, but I'm open to doing something in the future. So that's a yes-no response. You can go ahead and say no, but yes to something in the future, but allowing that to be nonspecific as well. So again, you're allowing yourself to have some wiggle room in there. So, no, I'm not able to do it this weekend, but thank you for thinking of me, of us. We're really interested in maybe exploring that later on down the road, whenever more time frees up. So again, use a pause phrase. Yeah, yeah. Use a pause phrase and follow up maybe with a no yes.

SPEAKER_00 9:54

Unless you do really just want to get together, then you give them specific days and times. I like that.

SPEAKER_01 9:59

And I think sometimes we feel almost, you know, obligated, and I don't like that word either, to provide more information as to why we can't do something. That's not necessary. You know, I mean, we don't need to be given a TED talk on why we're not able to engage.

SPEAKER_00 10:14

Also hard for us with ADHD. We often feel the need to over-explain ourselves. It's just not necessary, right? Like less is more also something I have to practice.

Micro No’s Build Confidence

SPEAKER_01 10:27

It's using micro no's. So these are just opportunities to practice saying no. And even whenever I was working and seeing patients, we would practice micro statements a lot or micro actions in order to build confidence and um a person's ease whenever confronted with social situations, especially. And so, like a micro conversation might be whenever you're at a, I don't know, checking out as a store and they want to know if you want to sign up for the credit card or biggie size the meal, those are micro no's. You might already be saying those, but be but are unaware of the fact that you are. So recognize that as times in which you have said no. It doesn't sometimes matter what you've said no to. It's the reflection that you have said no to something that then builds that muscle so that way you can really start to flex it in situations where um it's required more.

SPEAKER_00 11:30

Which a great point because I don't, you know, again, that's something that's hard, right? In the moment, you have a really hard time saying no. And then, like sometimes you'll be like, Why did I do that? Why did I spend$25 on popcorn outside of Walmart towards the Boy Scouts? You're like, Well, it's the Boy Scouts. I don't know, it's just like stuff like that. You're it's really hard to say no if you're impulsive. And so I love the idea of practicing that. You know, I hate to say it, but like when they're like, Do you want to round up? Like, hell yes, I'm I'm always gonna say yes. But if you're if that's something you're trying to practice is saying no, those are great opportunities that naturally come up in our environment. And I love that idea to practice. So great idea. Maybe I should start doing it more.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Yeah. Well, and it's, I mean, I've actually had to have conversations like with our youngest, especially because she's with me all the time and we're always going out and doing stuff. She'll ask, why am I not rounding up or why am I not donating to it? And that gives me again an opportunity to say, well, this is practicing saying no. Sometimes we don't have to say yes to anything. And although these are greater charitable causes, you know, we donate a lot of things to our local animal shelter and we have a lot of fun going down there and taking dog bones, or, you know, we do this. So yeah, yeah. So we're not saying, no, this isn't something that's important. We're saying yes, that we have other things that we contribute to.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

Yeah. Or in different ways, right? I try to actually I was just thinking, one thing that usually helps is I, you know, it was always with my mom and she tried she kind of had these scripts that she would say, you know, like, no, not today. Not saying not ever, but not going to do it today. So, like, no, not today, or you know, if she didn't have cash, she'd be like, I don't want cash on me right now, you know, if it was like Salvation Army or something like that. But usually, like just having a script is a good way to say no. Like you said, that's sort of like I need to check my calendar.

Teaching Kids And Ourselves Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 13:26

Yeah, I love that. No, not today. Yeah. I mean, you're putting it on pause. You want to buy popcorn today? Not today, give me next time. Saying no is such an important skill. And I think we've almost criminalized it, you know, or villainized it. Like, oh, you're not being nice, you're being mean if you say it. You know, I don't I don't know where those kind of ideas have come from.

SPEAKER_00 13:45

So we keep preaching is that intentionality of like, this is how I want to spend my time. And yes, that requires me saying no and potentially hurting someone's feelings or letting someone down.

SPEAKER_01 13:58

I think it's harder though, whenever it comes to kids. I think that's where, you know, we feel like we're being mean if we're saying no. I don't know if your parents my parents didn't say this. You have to give an explanation instead of just saying, because I said so, because you're not this, that, and the other, you know.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

What's funny is it's not funny, I guess, but like how we teach kids these same types of emotional like regulation or behavioral, you know, these are the types of interventions we do with kids in schools. And so it's the same thing, like teaching them to pause before they react. Adults could benefit from a lot of the same strategies.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

I just think that we live underneath the illusion that we've grown up and don't need to do those things anymore. And the truth is that we're all still just children. Just we're all still developing. We're not done baking yet. The only time when development stops is when we're dead, just to throw that out there.

Goals That Streamline Yeses

SPEAKER_00 14:52

Unless it's working out for you. Like if it's everything's great and you got burned out and frazzled and overcommitting yourself, then whatever you're doing's working. But if it's not, you know, here's some tips on how you're hopeful, you know, on how you can build that muscle of like saying no and really prioritizing your piece. I agree with that 100%.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

What is your goal and are your current behaviors, choices, whatever, aligning with that goal? And if not, that's where you again take a moment back and see, is it my behaviors or do I need to change the goal? Like what needs to what needs to happen here in order to kind of make this stuff all work?

SPEAKER_00 15:31

It's the new year. By the time this comes out, it'll be 2026. And we'll all be setting goals and thinking about how we're going to hopefully reach them. Like if I can get specific on the goals, it will help me define what the no's will be, right? Because you know, which you have to make time for what are those mandatory yeses. So it helps me sort of like streamline once I figured out exactly what the goals will be.

New Year And Where To Find Us

SPEAKER_01 15:59

Definitely. Definitely. I like the way you put that streamline. It streamlines the yeses and the opportunities whenever you have something that you're always kind of moving or working towards. It's called a practice, not perfection. That's what always you always remember. Everything's a practice.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

Well, happy new year. Welcome back, season six. Make sure you check us out on social media, Liless Podcasts. We're on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, you name it, YouTube. Wherever you get your social media, you can find us there, or you can go to our website, LilessPodcast.com. We will see you next week. Until then, y'all, Liless.