How To Reenter Life After A Rough Patch

Your hardest day can become your loudest label, especially when other people saw it unfold. We start with a public celebrity story that raises a private question: how do you walk back into everyday life after a mental health crisis, addiction relapse, or any moment where you were not yourself and everyone knows it?

We talk through reintegration after crisis as a real recovery skill, not an afterthought. We get practical about what actually helps: rebuilding stability at home with consistent sleep and routines, taking one small step at a time, and returning first to safe communities that supported you before things fell apart. We also share a simple but powerful tool for anxiety and PTSD style distress: bring a “safety buddy,” have permission to step out, and design your environment so your nervous system can calm down instead of going into high alert.

We also dig into the social side of recovery: judgment, gossip, and the pressure to make everything go back to how it was. We reflect on scripts for awkward questions, what it means to make amends without demanding forgiveness, and why compassion and encouragement can keep someone moving forward when shame tries to pull them under. We’ll point you to trustworthy mental health resources like NIMH and NAMI so you have somewhere to start.

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Please be sure to checkout our website for previous episodes, our psych-approved resource page, and connect with us on social media! All this and more at www.thelylaspodcast.com

Transcript

Warm Open And Random Topics

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Right. Like, oh, this is fun.

SPEAKER_01 0:16

It is fun. It's so much more fun than when we started. I used to be all sweaty and nervous. Now I just set up my lights and hit play.

SPEAKER_00 0:25

Of it.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 0:26

Very fluid. I like the flow.

A Celebrity Spiral Sparks A Question

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Yeah. I'm always excited when we have a fun topic to talk about, too. But this is interesting. I the, you know, topics are random. If you haven't figured that out, it's whatever is going on in one of our heads that day, week, or month. And today is no different. I I don't know what time I texted you this morning, Sarah. What was it? Like 6 a.m. when this one popped in my head. Yeah. I think this was a mid-meditation idea that I had, which what's that say about my meditation? But um at any rate, I was thinking about, oh, I know what it was. I had read on people.com about Scott Wolfe and Kelly Wolf. Did you follow this at all? Have I mentioned this to you before?

SPEAKER_00 1:07

I did click on it a few times just to kind of read what it was about because I did like I watched a few episodes of Party of Five. Was not a huge follower, but did watch the show.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

Yeah, I can't say that I mean I did watch a few episodes. I couldn't I can't remember too much, but I do remember her from 900, not 902 from the real world, New Orleans cast, if I'm not mistaken. And she was kind of like the one big sister type on the cast that seems to be a little bit more like seasoned and just like knowledgeable and practical. Um, and so I didn't realize that they were married. And then I saw her coming across on people.com. And uh this was a while back. She was clearly experiencing like mental health issues. I am not one to throw out terms and diagnoses, but this was like some sort of mental illness, 1000%, uh possibly exacerbated by something else, but like she was clearly not thinking clearly and um and posting and all this stuff. I mean, it was just incredibly public. Anyway, um, I noticed on people.com recently that um she went to uh Hollywood Studios or Universal Studios with her family again, and he posted something about it, and then he's on a show right now called Doc, and they had interviewed him, and he was just saying that they were like taking this time to heal. And I was like, How does that even start? Like, how do you start to reintegrate yourself? And these are pretty privileged people, right? I mean, they could pick up and move away. I think they live in Park City, Utah. Um, like they could probably start their lives somewhere else, but like, what about people that can't? And I started thinking about, you know, I know somebody in my community that has gone through a very similar situation, very public, just kind of like, you know, event experience. And I was like, how does one really start to reintegrate back into a community? Because I think that would be so uh terrifying to have been the person on that, you know, that experienced that. And then like, how do you go back and face the people that saw you at your worst moment? So that's where I've come to, Sarah. I figured figure you have an answer to this.

What Reintegration Really Feels Like

SPEAKER_00 3:24

Right. Right.

SPEAKER_01 3:25

Love this softball for you.

SPEAKER_00 3:28

All right, that sounds good. Yeah, I I do think that you know, those stories that have become pretty public, um, whether it be we all remember Britney Smears shaving her head, her recent um experience now with a a DUI, Amanda Binds. I mean, I think we can look at different celebrities and see this very publicly. But I think that what we tend to forget is that whenever it happens within our community or somebody, we know that that differential between how big something is or isn't isn't there. But for that person who it happened to, it is the biggest thing that's ever happened to them in their life. Once they're able to kind of like come to a point and process and see what all happened. Prior to that, it is a very scary and disruptive kind of period of time for everybody and really requires a whole lot of hands-on help, treatment, um, boundaries and perspective in order to kind of reintegrate back. And so if that's what if we're focused on the person that is reintegrating back, then that's one topic. If we're focused on the family that is supporting that person, that's almost a separate topic on its own.

SPEAKER_01 4:44

Yeah, that's a good point. Because it um, you know, it's that person that experienced, but also sort of that collateral damage. I mean, I've certainly experienced anxiety over stupid shit I did when I was had too much to drink, you know? So like put that on even bigger right stage or whatever, and I can imagine the guilt and the shame.

SPEAKER_00 5:04

Right, right. And so let's say that once the experience, we'll just call it an experience to avoid clinical terms or whatnot, um, is over. And assuming that a person has their support system still intact, I think it's real important to um to talk with them and to recognize, you know, how everyone is kind of feeling and what they can do to be supportive of one another. So whenever you are that person, it's really important that you just check in with your family. Let them know how you're feeling, check in with them and see how they're feeling. And especially within those first few days and weeks, if you are reintegrating back into the home, you don't want to be treated like a um like with soft gloves or whatnot. But we also just want to be aware that we are in a delicate period. And so we want to try to have as many um consistent schedules and routines to kind of get back into place.

unknown 6:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:04

And that is the first and best thing.

Stabilize With Sleep And Routines

SPEAKER_01 6:06

I th I could see like building a new normal, right? Building a new routine. Um, because I said like you don't necessarily want to go back to uh what you were previously doing. I don't mean your previous community and the people in it, like that like your neighbors and people you see at the ball field, like that kind of stuff is gonna happen. And so you might not be able to, you know, you you need to figure out how you're going to like get back into that. And some of that is just creating like your new routine, right? So you're bumping into people in different situations or different um parts of your day.

SPEAKER_00 6:41

Well, and even just from a very basic standpoint, um, what we do know is that if you know, in thinking about precursors to whenever somebody does experience unexpected dysfunction, um, would be that like your sleep gets disturbed. If your sleep is disturbed and prolonged for a period of time, then we really want to make sure that those very basic things, because that's what we actually stabilize in a hospital. So I worked for a period of time within a mental health hospital, 100% full lockdowns. What I can tell you is that we focus on there being a very consistent schedule and routine, bed times, meal times, you know, activity-based times. Like we really want to make sure that those things that help in that initial stabilization time are able to try to be as replicated or as close to whenever you come home. So starting with the very basic thing, that might be a discussion for you and your family to kind of have like, how can we renormalize some of our very basic routines and then start to work on, you know, inching our way back into areas and zones that we feel are historically safe to us? Um, places that, you know, prior to that we really felt like we had a great support system, whether that be a church group, a little league group, like I don't want to say the people that knew you before that time, but also it is kind of like that. Like who was your support system that had your back prior to, during, and who's still standing beside you now? That is going to be the safe zone to kind of work on again having some little reintegrations. Um, and so that would be the next step after you kind of like allow yourself to kind of come back home and to get settled in a new, hopefully more consistent schedule and routine. And you start to have practice conversations with your family, um, with your friends, maybe at home before you go back out into, you know, eating at your favorite restaurant or, you know, watching your kid at a game. Don't feel bad if you have to take a break from some of that stuff before you dive right back into it.

Safe Zones And Small Public Steps

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Yeah. I would agree. I think it's always good to sort of see where you feel the, you know, kind of um start small where you feel the most comfortable. I think that's with anything. Any kind of anytime you're establishing a new routine, you don't want to do 10 things at one time. You want to start small, pick one thing and get really good at that, and then fold something else in. So I like that um suggestion of just sort of like taking stock in yourself and deciding what what's best for you to start with. And having, you know, hopefully one trusted person that you can reach out to and and help sort of test the waters. I'm just like, what would I do in this situation? Because it could be any of us, right? We're all, you know, this is something that can happen to anybody, right? It's very human and uh uncomfortable, but it is something that happens, I think, to more people than we maybe realize. That could be like, you know, we're not we're I guess we are specifically talking about a mental health type of issue, but that could be we're talking drugs or alcohol related, anything that somebody has sought some sort of help is on a road to recovery or a path to a better lifestyle, like that. It's the same thing. Um, that reintegration. People saw you maybe not at your best, and uh and now you're trying to kind of forge that new path. Um, how do you, how do you start, how do you start over? Do you get an alias? Do you start with a new name? How do you start to move beyond like that one, that one breakdown or that one moment?

The Safety Buddy And PTSD Tools

Scripts For Awkward Questions And Judgment

SPEAKER_00 10:21

I think again, after you feel like that you are at a steady place and that your home, which is your first place, um, is steady and more stabilized and moving towards a place of reasserting some level of comfort, then you start to inch out into your previous activities. Because what we know is that if you isolate yourself or if you don't jump back in, that's going to increase your risk for some other type of episode. And again, this could be addiction, this could be anything. And so we want you to reintegrate yourself back into, you know, safe spaces, safe communities. But doing so with um permission that you can exit if you need to, that you can step away and take a few minutes to catch your breath, and that you can also talk to, you know, maybe um like your buddy who is going out into that place with you so that way they know what's going on and that they can help to check in with you. And I think that that's an important thing. It's it's it's real important, like in those situations, to have a safe. I don't I'm using a what sounds like a very silly term, but it's like a safety buddy. If I experience difficulty going back into this area where, you know, maybe again it's a um a restaurant, a little league game, a school function, whatever, this safety person knows what's going on. They know how I can, they can help me if I start to feel overwhelmed, which could happen. You could walk into one of those situations and just feel um extreme distress. And so I worked with a lot of folks that had um post-traumatic stress disorder, uh, PTSD. And so, for example, they would go into a restaurant and they would always sit to where they could identify where all of the uh exits were and that they were in close proximity to uh an exit. And so we're gonna start with like doing small things to kind of assert greater comfort so that way you're not in a hyper-aroused or a hyper-arousal kind of base state. And we're gonna continue to put you in those situations so that way you can build your skills and build your comfort back to see that it's never been about the place or space so much, it's the experiences that happen that get associated with it. So we want to reintegrate um again in a healthy, safe manner. And doing little bits of those things can help. But having a safety buddy there with you to provide that reassurance, or if you need a break, then that they can help to manage the situation for you while you take a moment away and then kind of come back.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

I was to say that reminds me of when we had kids transferring or transitioning back to maybe their Gen Ed classroom, and they had had some explosive behaviors that have been demonstrated in that setting before, um, maybe not always super welcomed back into that Gen Ed classroom. And so one of the things that we would do when we were transitioning kids in is to A, understand that other kids, like there's a reason why there's a little bit of maybe nervousness or um just not sure what to expect. And so having some scripts ready in case kids ask, because kids do that. Um, and they would have a script ready, like, you know, I was going through a really hard time, but I've gotten some support and I'm ready to come back to class, whatever the the script was, but just something that we had already practiced and that they could rip off to pretty much anything that was said in regards to why are you back? Um and you know, kids are are resilient and way more understanding than adults, I think. And it made me think about how typically, and I hate to say this, but kids are much faster to reintegrate somebody that's been sort of ostracized versus adults, you know, we tend to linger with that judgment, judgy tone of like, ooh, well, you know, that time, or just that. And so you just know that that that that exists. And so maybe as adults, recognizing that we're also modeling that for our kids and and how we allow or not allow but help people reintegrate after they've experienced a hard time.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

Mm-hmm. And I think it's just normal, it comes back down to and again, trying to normalize the situation. Yeah, so and so experienced a little bit of difficulty right now, but we're going to appreciate the fact that they're working on themselves and that they're doing the best that they can right now. And that's what we're going to, you know, try to focus on.

Amends Without Expecting Forgiveness

SPEAKER_01 14:42

Teaching that even from a young age of, you know, we celebrate people that work on themselves because we're all a work in progress. And that is a positive thing that they have recognized that there's something that needed to be, you know, improved and that they have worked towards that. And that's worth celebrating in itself. Um one moment or one time or one bad experience in life that um it's the combination of all the good too. But that doesn't mean you can't still reach out and at least say, you know, recognize the behavior and and then you can't control the response. You can only control your portion of it and and then, you know, move on in your healing from that.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

Right. Right. And I think that that's a piece of it. And even in like addiction recovery, what they a part of the 12 steps is making amends. You know what I mean? But the the the purpose in doing that is not to receive anything from the other person. It is you taking accountability for what your actions were in that moment. So that person could still never want to speak or talk to you or whatever else again, and that is a hundred percent within their rights and abilities, and maybe should. But the purpose of making amends is for the self not to receive anything in return. Yeah. Yeah. And that's hard because we we pour ourselves out, we say we're sorry, and we want everybody to forgive us and everything to go back. But that's also part of the rebuilding process is that you know, we don't rebuild things back to the way that they were, we rebuild them to a new, new. And that means sometimes some people and places and things aren't in the same place.

Compassion Online And Consistent Change

SPEAKER_01 16:23

Right. And that's okay too, because there's some exciting things about that, particularly like if you are overhauling, you are the designer of what your life looks like and you can really build that from the ground up. And I think that that that's what gives us hope. That's what gives us, that's why I fully believe that humans can change. And because you can decide to be different and to choose behaviors and to choose consistency and to choose to show up as your best self. I'm not saying that's not hard work, but you can make those choices. Everybody has that capability for the most part. So um, yeah, I just think that that's and ultimately that's what people see. You know, the the real deal is people see somebody who consistently shows up, despite if you had a bad time, you know, five, ten months or years ago, people tend to forget and and move on. And nobody's really thinking about you as much as it well, except me. I think about a lot of people all the time. And I'm like, what would I do if I was in that situation? Uh well, I would be freaked out at first. You know, that's usually I go through like what would that feel like, and then how do you like move forward? That's what I was thinking about with this. Because, man, you read shit online, people write, and they're just they're so harsh. And they're like, you know, hating on Scott Wolfe or even like saying something positive. Did you read or see the stuff she yeah, but like that doesn't mean that she's not a person that doesn't deserve forgiveness and like support. You know, we all do stupid shit and wish we had done differently.

SPEAKER_00 17:56

Right, right. No, I don't I don't think that throwing stones is a very effective um habit to get involved in or casting judgment, whenever. You know, we're all that we used to say that we're all just one moment away from a crisis. We're all just one moment or one opportunity away from a crisis happening to us. And, you know, some of those things you can't control, but it I think it is important to not allow it to define you or to not take on that as being your new title or role. You know, so remember, you know, who you were to begin with. Like I'm Sarah. This is what I'm gonna focus on. And then again, reiterating back into some of those other roles, as long as you find that those are healthy things for you to do. Right. You know, like if like again, coaching a sport or volunteering at school or going back to work, like those points are points of stability. Um, and so you do want to make sure that you are able to, you know, reconnect with points of stability um as best and as much as what you can because that will assist you, you know, long term as well. And so whether that be engaging in hobbies, um it doesn't matter. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 19:09

Just being consistent, whatever you're doing is just being consistent with it. Um that's what it always goes back to, right? You can't just do it sometimes. If you want it to work, you gotta do it as much as possible. That's what I tell myself when I hit play at 6 30 every morning on the workout I don't want to do. Stick to the plan, not to your feelings.

SPEAKER_00 19:32

Yeah, yeah, as much as what you kind of can. For sure. But no, I think it it is about having self-compassion for yourself and then compassion for other people. And you know, we all, whether we like it or not, play some kind of role in everybody else's movie, yeah, or story or song. And I think that we control what role we play, not maybe how it's perceived, but if you're the one that's in control of the role you play, having some sense of compassion or even awareness. Maybe, maybe it's just that you don't even know these people, like this whole situation. We're just saying, yeah, we don't know them, but we you know, I'm gonna have compassion because this seems like, you know, there are kids involved, or these are human beings involved, and we still want to recognize that what they're doing is something that is, you know, positive and and with the best of intentions, you know, um, at play. And so and you if you want people to get help, you have to support them in getting help. Right.

SPEAKER_01 20:35

Acknowledge and when they're when they're working towards that. We all need that positive reinforcement and acknowledgement of just like, hey, I see you trying. Because that sometimes is just what you need to hear to keep going. It's it's always a it's always a journey.

unknown 20:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

Always a journey.

SPEAKER_00 20:53

And it is, it is. And I think that people do benefit though. Like if you're the person, people do benefit from getting words of encouragement even when they're not expected. You know, like I know just because for whatever reason, um I have a lot of friends who are in recovery. And if I see that they posted something that they've had a hard time or a hard experience, my automatic first thought is again, I worked in addiction. You know what I mean? This could serve as a trigger for them to have a relapse. I can't control whether or not that happens or not. But if I know that one of my friends is going through something hard, then I can make a choice to then send them a message saying, hey, you know, this too shall pass. You know what I mean? If you want me to go to a meeting with you, I'd be happy to, you know, whatever that kind of a thing may be. Just again, you don't know the the impact of a tiny little bit of encouragement can have whenever somebody is going through. Um maybe a private struggle or maybe a public one, but just there's op there's optional ways as to how to handle this.

Resources And How To Support Us

SPEAKER_01 21:54

Yeah. Well here we've just solved another world world problem. I have to say I I checked out our website recently and our uh at least on what do I listen on Apple Podcasts, I guess. And I'm just so impressed with our website. You can find all our you can link to all of our uh social media platforms. You can text the show straight from the website. You can find our resources. You can learn more about us if you're if anybody cares. Um, but go to lilesspodcast.com for your one-stop shop um for all things Liless Podcast. And of course, like and share. Subscribe with your friends. We do this ad-free if you haven't noticed, because um we are just not here to make any money. We're just here to help validate and support each of you midlifers like us. So um share with your friends. We greatly appreciate it. And what have I missed, Sarah?

SPEAKER_00 23:02

We will put some links. No, we will put some links on our social media whenever we post about this episode as well as on our website because um the National Institute of Mental Health has a lot of good stuff. The National Alliance for Mental Illness, uh, NEMA um also has a lot of good resources out there for folks. And so again, we don't want anyone to feel like that they or their community is alone. And you would be shocked as to how many support groups are out there. That's all I got for this week.

SPEAKER_01 23:31

Okay. Tapped out. It's almost Friday. F. Let's go. Mid-March. We can uh and until next time, y'all Lila Out.