And What Else?

Uncovering the Emotional Roots of Type A Personalities

• Wendy O'Beirne (The Completion Coach)

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Can the relentless drive for success actually stem from childhood loneliness? In this eye-opening episode, I dig in the to the lesser-talked about emotional roots of Type A personalities. We'll trace the origins of these traits back to the 1950s when cardiologists first identified them, and discuss how their outward continuous drive is often an internal struggle for validation and emotional support. Through my extensive work, I've seen how these individuals' high ambition, perfectionism, and fear of failure are coping mechanisms for feeling unseen during their formative years. This episode sheds light on the true motivations behind their productivity and sense of urgency—offering a fresh perspective on what really drives Type A behaviour.


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to, and what Else, the podcast with me, wendy O'Byrne, also known as the Completion Coach, and today we're going to be going through some things that I think get misunderstood quite often on the internet, and there's always, always, always, quite a lot of information and content aimed at people that would recognize themselves as a type A personality. What's really interesting to me is this type A personality wasn't formed by psychologists, it was cardiologists. Back in the 1950s there were two cardiologists that were researching potential links for heart disease and behaviors personality traits. Don't get me started on the fact that then a lot of this research was paid for by the tobacco industry and it being said that people who smoked tobacco had these traits. It goes on, it goes on. So we're not going to get too stuck on where the research came from.

Speaker 1:

But people that associate themselves as a type A, who might see these personality traits, are people that have a really strong desire to excel, to do really well at things. It's often described in the typical wording as competitiveness, but actually when I've worked with people, I've never seen it as true competitiveness. I have seen it as a desire to push themselves really, really hard and to never really acknowledge what they've done. So I would raise some question marks around the type. A individual is fiercely competitive. They compete so hard against themselves. I think that really comes in. They also go beyond limitations. They will have a sense of urgency, where they always feel like there's not enough time. They're always rushed because they should always have done it by now. They should always have done it by now, and they see delays and really slow progress as failing. They will have such high goals, such high goals that they're almost beyond you know what you might see as a really high goal. They will push further because there is still that thing where they need to push to an extreme, to an extreme point, to prove themselves. So they will have goals that might seem absolutely off off the wall. They will also be easily frustrated, easily irritated and impatient. They will be impatient with other people that can't keep up with their speed because they are operating at a speed that is really really fast. They will often try to multitask. They will have a high need to be productive and productivity being something that they are absolutely tied up in. They will overcommit, they will overdo and they will have a high stress, high burnout. They also say that these people will have or exhibit aggression or hostility when they feel that their goals are being obstructed or where they feel there is external resistance.

Speaker 1:

I would say that the people I've come across would never show aggression and hostility because they actually have embedded people-pleasing behavior, but they will become very hostile to themselves, their inner critic language will be horrendous and they will absolutely berate themselves for the things that they cannot do. So I would add that slightly different lens the people I know that believe and would fall into most of these categories of type A personality are actually and you might want to sit down for this one, she is back are actually really key indicators that I have seen that in reality, these people grew up feeling lonely. We'll leave a little pause for there. They felt lonely or unseen at a young age and for various reasons, whether that's they were particularly isolated, they were developing like a fear of being in groups, they were emotionally unsupported within the family environment and they often took themselves off to be alone. Those are the people I have found who are now describing themselves as type A, feeling unseen or lonely.

Speaker 1:

Just naturally, if you feel unseen or you feel lonely at any point, even now, there is a part of you that is lacking emotional support, there is a part of you lacking recognition and there is a part of you lacking validation. Now, when that's happening as a child and it's not coming from your caregivers or the people around you, in that moment that can really manifest as believing. The only way to get validation is through achievement, through pushing yourself harder to get noticed, to be no longer invisible in one way or another. So the drive for achievement is a way of compensating for the lack of emotional validation, because they're being validated for what they can do, for what they are competent and successful at. The things that are valued by somebody else become the things that they truly value about themselves. So this leads to the development of high ambition, a strong sense of urgency, because they think they constantly have to keep up this proving of themselves, because if they stop or it slips for one second, then there will be no value to them.

Speaker 1:

And so I have seen that this is where this has come from. It's become a coping mechanism, because when children are lonely or unseen and they have a lack of control over their environment, they will develop coping mechanisms, and those coping mechanisms will be to control the aspects they can control in a really tight, fiercely protective manner, and that desire for control can mean that they absolutely have taken it upon themselves. To people, please, to try to control environments for other people to try to control outcomes when they can't, but they're trying really hard to control the environment. Control what people think about them, control, you know, other people's emotions by trying to make them happy to never be receiving negative feedback at all or having to see other people experience sadness. They really don't want that.

Speaker 1:

So when you have a big fear of rejection, it becomes a big fear of failure, because the two are the same if you fail at something, you will feel the rejection, but it's only the rejection that's you're already experiencing. That's pushing you to take the action that you're afraid of failing at, because the worth is so heavily tied to what you can do, what you can produce, what you can create, what you can give, what you can create, what you can give. And when everything's tied to that and you believe that you are not good enough to be loved or noticed without that, then what we develop is perfectionism. You know exceedingly high standards work entirely, trying so hard to avoid failure, which you have learned to translate as a personal inadequacy. You know, a car could break down and you would feel like it was your personal inadequacy to have not looked ahead, seen ahead, prevented this. We're taking responsibility for things beyond our control and so this becomes a relentless work ethic. Maybe we could add in but it's the constant need to do, the constant need to succeed, and the deep, deep desire to avoid anything that feels like failure, anything that feels like a painful feeling of rejection or worthlessness, anything that will prevent that and work tasks. They can feel really safe because in doing those, in producing those, in achieving those, there's a feeling of worthiness tied to them which makes them feel more worthy.

Speaker 1:

When a child also feels unseen, uncared for in some way, in that way that they're just not emotionally nourished, at this young age they will learn to become highly self-reliant. They will learn to become highly self-reliant, take on more responsibility for their emotional needs and others, and it's the idea in the belief system that they must handle everything on their own, never rely on anyone else. It's not safe to rely on anyone else. You know. Rely on just yourself. You're the only person you can rely on.

Speaker 1:

So we're talking hyper independence, we're talking hyper responsibility, we're talking high functioning, all of the hyper and the highs are linked so closely together through this very deep fear of not being seen, not being valued, not being worthwhile and, in reality, if we link that back to loneliness in childhood, the idea of not being seen, of not being valued it also leads to an issue with trust, because when we don't trust other people, when we can't rely on other people, we don't trust them to do the job, so we can't delegate very well either, but we don't trust other people. When we can't rely on other people, we don't trust them to do the job, so we can't delegate very well either, but we don't trust other people with us. And so we become super, super controlling in some ways of ourselves and of what we will allow other people to get to see, be or know about us. In reality, we could sum that up as hypervigilance, you know, constantly tuning in to everything and everywhere to make sure that they see the version of us that we want them to see. That it feels threatening in some way for our guard to be let down. It feels like a complete instant you'll be rejected. Put your guards back up. Put your guards back up. Don't risk it. Instant you'll be rejected. Put your guards back up. Put your guards back up, don't risk it.

Speaker 1:

So what we are fundamentally talking about here and I don't hear it spoke about often because we tend to criticize the type a personality chill out, relax, slow down, know you don't have to do X, y or Z. Their nervous system, their belief system, all of their knowing to date is telling them actually it is quite dangerous to not do, to slow down, because they will feel loneliness at the end of that or feel unseen or unrecognized. In some way 'll feel rejected. But what we're also saying is that they will feel unloved. And so what is a big conversation I have with clients is not what you can achieve and go and get, because we know that they can. We know that they can.

Speaker 1:

What they're not very good at is receiving, of receiving love and allowing that to be free flowing, of receiving praise and allowing it to be free flowing even when they're not producing, to allowing rest and receiving pleasure. All of these things are really heavily tied because they're used to performance and giving, they're used to high functioning and really tuning in to everything, and if they were to stop, the idea is that they will suffer. The idea is that they will recognize that they have lost their value, their worth, the need to be needed, and in the need to be needed they feel secure because as long as they're needed they will be wanted, and if they're not needed they won't be wanted. So this ties in so heavily to receiving love for being yourself, for being lovable, when you haven't, for some reason or another, received that clear, clear message at a young age. And so the belief that their worth is tied to only what they can do and what they can offer is a big part of the cycle that they have created, because actually they do feel lonely because they're not opening up to that deep connection, deep intimacy with people, because they're avoiding that deep connection and deep intimacy with themselves, and they're unfulfilled by their tasks, because they're fulfilling most of those achievements for recognition, which is then perpetuating the story that their recognition is only in those tasks. And so if you are somebody that has recognized that, maybe you have some of these classed as type a tendencies.

Speaker 1:

What I want you to really sit with is how seen, validated and emotionally met did you feel as a child, and how do you feel in those areas as an adult? When are you seen as yourself for no other reason than who you are. Do you spend much time with that version of you? How often do you feel that you are not heard, that you are either misunderstood, over-explained, overdue or hold back entirely into silence? How easy do you feel heard and how easily do you feel emotionally supported? How often are you vulnerable and what does vulnerability mean to you? What's your greatest fear in vulnerability? And finally, how well do you receive love? Because I know how well you want to give it and how much you want to flood others with it and how important it is to you to make sure everybody feels it. But how often do you receive love and in what ways?

Speaker 1:

We will continue with this conversation, we will dig into this further, but it's one I really wanted to talk about because I see so much content that does really really well about people talking about not being able to rest type A personality, type A personality. Type A personality and I don't think it always takes into account that underneath all of that doing and achieving and success and judgment, there is often, often somebody that feels very lonely, very unseen, very emotionally unmet, even by themselves, and frequently by themselves, because they would dismiss and suppress their emotions so easily, and I want you to know, if this is you, that there is so much value in who you are. Even if they were tiny experiences when you're younger, they can make a huge impact on your belief system and the way that your body reacts to you attempting to rest, that your body reacts to you attempting to rest, and that change is possible. Change is possible because the beliefs we formed at that young age were well before our adult minds, well before logic, well before understanding the history of our parents, of our caregivers, of the people around us, and understanding that it wasn't actually what we've internalized it as. And there is so much more to you than what you can achieve and do. There is so much more to you than that, and you finding out that about you will be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. I'm sending so much love.

Speaker 1:

As I say, I will continue to talk on this subject over a couple of podcasts, but any questions, anything you want to raise, anything that you want me to dig further into, always feel free to DM me on Instagram or pop me an email. Wendyatthecompletioncoachcouk. Thank you for listening.