And What Else?
Welcome to 'And What Else?', your source for thoughtful and meaningful conversations about personal and professional growth. Host Wendy O'Beirne is an internationally recognised coach and consultant with a passion for exploring the layers of topics surrounding self-development. Together, we'll dig beneath the surface of subjects, stories, and possible solutions to uncover new perspectives we may not have seen before. With curiosity and open minds, let's embark on an adventure of self-discovery and uncover the possibilities of 'and what else'. Stay Curious!
And What Else?
From Survival Mode to Thriving: Embracing Agility for Lasting Change
Have you ever felt trapped in a cycle of just getting by, always in survival mode? Join me as I unravel the journey from surviving to thriving. In this episode, we tackle the distinction between these two states and explore how embracing emotional agility and openness can lead to growth and positive change. Through personal anecdotes and insights from my own transition out of survival mode, discover how shifting your mindset and becoming more flexible in thoughts and actions can break rigid patterns and foster a thriving life.
To maintain this thriving state, we dive into practical daily practices that are essential for well-being. From ensuring basic needs like sleep and nutrition to integrating movement and nature, self-care is a vital part of living a fulfilling life. I share the transformative power of mirror work and affirmations like "I love myself, I trust myself, I am enough," which help in developing self-awareness and recognizing when to make changes or pause to address unmet needs. With a curious and non-judgmental approach, we'll explore how to move beyond rigid self-improvement norms and embrace agility to create momentum for lasting change.
If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave me a review and subscribe! And if you want to learn more from me, come and say hello on Instagram @thecompletioncoach or via email at wendy@thecompletioncoach.co.uk or find out more about working with me on my website, thecompletioncoach.co.uk.
Welcome to, and what Else, the podcast with me, wendy O'Byrne, also known as the Completion Coach, and today we're diving into something that's been coming up a lot in conversation lately, especially post-retreat, and that's about how we shift from surviving to thriving and why that shift matters in every aspect of our lives. That shift matters in every aspect of our lives, so if you've been feeling stuck, overwhelmed or like you keep repeating the same patterns, this episode is for you to listen to twice. I'm going to break down the difference between survival and thriving and just going through how else that might be being described to you. One of the key things I've been talking about post-retreat is the concept of agility, because that's the work that I do with people.
Speaker 1:A lot of people say they want to fix themselves, that they think something's wrong or they're broken or there's something else they've got to heal, but in reality, or there's something else they've got to heal, but in reality, it's not about healing every single aspect of you. It's about becoming more agile in your thinking, more agile in your emotions and more agile in your beliefs, so that you can become more agile in the action and the roots and the solutions that you find. Agility fundamentally means flexibility. The more agile you are, the easier it is to adapt, the easier it is to find new solutions and the easier it is to create momentum towards the change you want to make. So it's not about just finding problems within yourself that need fixing. It's about cultivating the flexibility to move through things differently, because the parts where you are not agile are the parts that are repeating patterns, because it is working on a fixed basis. They are things that you are holding onto too tightly. They're emotional patterns that you're either avoiding or getting stuck in and they're keeping you from going where you want to go. They are keeping you stuck because you are being so rigid and fixed. They are keeping you stuck because you are being so rigid and fixed.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to talk about it a bit more. When I say what do I mean when I'm talking about survival versus thriving? To sum it up as shortly as possible, when you're in survival mode, you are simply doing what you have always done. You are reacting the way you have always reacted. You are doing what you have always done. You are reacting the way you have always reacted. You are doing what you have always done. So you'll get stuck in loops, you'll repeat patterns and you'll make the same decisions from the same place.
Speaker 1:Your nervous system will be talked about in survival mode as either being in fight, flight or freeze. In survival you're contracted. You feel contracted. There isn't as much space in you. You'll be very disconnected from the body and in your head and you'll be really closed on it, like if somebody even suggests a solution, you'll be like no, I can't accept or take that, I don't it. This isn't possible, absolutely not. So there'll be a lot of negativity when you're in survival mode.
Speaker 1:When you're in survival, you're also automatically going to be looking more at the negatives. You're going to expect things to go wrong. You're going to expect things to not be too good. You're going to feel like it's more of a problem. There won't be much curiosity.
Speaker 1:Survival mode loves endings. It wants to know how it ends. It does not want any unknowns whatsoever. It fears unknown, and so it will very much make you more rigid. Your decisions will come from this survival place and it's where you will limit yourself to your past. Survival will have you internalizing everything is your fault. It will have you relying on the traits that have always protected you. So, again, if you have leant towards using hyper independence traits, then those were the things that will be coming out now the I've got to do it on my own, the don't let anybody see what's going on, the overworking, the unable to rest. The parts of you hiding, the parts of you that have set such ridiculously high standards and expectations for yourself, as the only way that you will be worthy is if you can overachieve, over deliver by overdoing. Those are all just traits that you are using because that has been a protective survival part of you that has led the way.
Speaker 1:When you're in thriving is when we are open, adaptive, flexible. We're creating new neural pathways, we're treading new paths, making decisions from a place of curiosity. We're working from excitement, from what else? And that's a state of growth solution, focused, emotionally agile. It's where you're going through things with the expectations of good outcomes. It's where we're aiming for. I don't know, but I'm excited to find out. This will take me somewhere else. Let me follow desire, joy and those experiences when we're in thriving mode experiences. When we're in thriving mode, we are using different traits. We're leaning on parts of the traits that are coming from a place of development. So you will have heard terms like fixed mindset and growth mindset. A fixed mindset I'm referring to here as surviving, and a growth mindset I'm referring to here as thriving.
Speaker 1:When you are surviving, there is no way you can access or develop ability to work through your emotions. When we're in thriving, we've got emotional agility, we're working through things, we know where things can take us, we know we're not going to get stuck. We know we can work through it. When you're in survival, your emotions feel like a burden and if you show those emotions, they will be a burden to somebody else. Your expectations are that your emotions are a burden. So I'm talking about thriving and surviving for very good reason.
Speaker 1:For, however long up until my mid to late 30s, my state was mainly in survival. At least 90% of most days I would spend in survival, which would mean I was also in fight, flight or freeze for 90% of my days as standard, and I was in a very fixed mindset and I had absolutely no emotional agility. I just avoided my emotions at all cost. That was my self-leadership Quite unknowingly, might I add. I did not understand that I had two states. I just thought that was who I was. So I did not know I was operating from survival and I did not know that I was trying to be overly controlling so that I was completely in a protective state and or that I was making all of my decisions from a survival based state. So I had no idea my self-leadership was coming from survival state and it was therefore creating from survival state and therefore the manifestation if we're going to use that term in my life came from survival.
Speaker 1:And now I have worked so hard on being really clear on managing my state, really clear on looking at when and where I'm in survival and thriving, to the point where now I would say I spend 80 to 90% per day on average in thriving average in thriving, which means I'm also in my connected state in my nervous system, which means I'm in a growth mindset, which means I am looking for ways forward. I'm in my creativity, I'm in my curiosity, I am accessing courage easier. I'm accessing compassion from an easier state. I'm accessing clarity, which is a solution-based focus, from that state, and I'm emotionally agile, even when things are happening that feel big, bad, awful. I am aware that I will work through it. My expectation on myself is that not only will I get through it, but that I will handle it and there will be outcomes that I do want as a result eventually.
Speaker 1:So from that place, I'm now in self-leadership from my thriving state. So everything I'm doing from that thriving state is leading and creating more of what I do want in my life. So when you hear people talking about self-leadership, what I would love you to consider is not just am I leading myself, but what state has a leading part in my life? Because my internal state of thriving or surviving is creating a lot of my external states and situations. Not only that, but it's managing how I work with those external states and situations, because there are many things beyond your control, many, many things beyond your control. When you're in thriving, you can separate yourself from what's beyond your control. When you're in survival, you're almost trying to control everything that's beyond your control and that gets a big part of your focus. So a big part of even redefining and looking at what confidence encourages is understanding that when you're thriving and you're working on your state from a thriving perspective, you're looking to be in that state as often as possible.
Speaker 1:Your courage and your confidence will be shaking, let me state. There will still be doubt, there will still be fear, there will still be wobbles, but you will still be taking action despite that. Confidence is courage in action. It's not the absence of fear or doubt. It's the ability to take them with you and still move forwards. So thriving doesn't mean fear and doubt don't exist or that you're unshakable at all. You will still have those wobbles and shakes. It just means that they're not the ones making your decisions anymore. Fear and doubt don't take the lead. Your confidence and courage in action will take the lead, as it manages and works with fear and doubt.
Speaker 1:So when you're in a thriving state, you're making decisions from a place of belief in yourself and in what's possible. What don't you know? What could you find out? You're excited about what could happen, even though you have no outcome. You're open to change. You're open to growth. You're open to you navigating problems and knowing and trusting you will overcome them. You're expecting your risks to have more positive outcomes, whereas survival mode is expecting poor outcomes, disappointment. You're relying on past memories, past experiences. You are just trying to get through. You want to survive and you're not curious about what's next. You are just fearful of what if next. You are just fearful of what if so? I know, I know I'm talking a lot here, but that's the point of a podcast, I'm not even gonna cut that out. Um, what does happen is in survival, you will spend so much time operating from problems. In thriving, you will find more time operating in solutions.
Speaker 1:Making that shift from surviving to thriving is about really being aware of your state, and so many people have said to me Wendy, how do I do that? And I feel like I've said it so many times and that everybody knows that I've said it, but it turns out that's not true. So how to check on your state is to take everything as data. Everything has data. When you're in survival, your inner critic will be loud. So if you're having a lot of really mean internal thoughts, start writing them down for a start, because you will, even as you write them down, be very aware of whether this is my inner critic or my inner supporter at work. If the inner critic is exceptionally loud, it's data. It is showing you only that you are in survival. It is not fact. It is just showing you you're in survival. I wrote down some of my critical, mean thoughts when I was in a bit of a hole, and they were horrendous thoughts, absolutely horrendous. But all it was showing me is that that wasn't a great time for me to be making decisions, because this information was showing me that I was in survival.
Speaker 1:The way I personally do this is very simple. I'm looking at how well have I slept, basic needs here, how hydrated I am, how have I eaten? Have I been out of the house and got fresh air and been in nature and been and moved my body for a walk? Have I done those very basic things? And if we're ever wondering about basic needs being met and people have children or animals, I'm like for children and animals we seem to be able to check a lot easier, right, we're able to say to children and animals are they well fed, are they well watered? Have they slept? Have they been taken outside? Because we would always treat them that well outside, because we would always treat them that well.
Speaker 1:On top of that, the data we need to get is what works for me to stay in thriving. So for me personally, if I want to be in thriving, moving my body is necessary. It helps my mind in ways that I cannot express. So, moving my body in any way, through dance, through yoga, through Pilates, through weights, through walking, through running, whatever it is that works for you. Moving your body every day in some way is going to be really helpful to a thriving state. There's no time scale on how long it should be for, or the right heart rate, or take away all of the things that you can over complicate and just ask yourself have I moved today? For me, that movement, being connected to nature, really helps.
Speaker 1:I also always, always, always, make eye contact with myself. Every time I go for a wee and wash my hands, there is always a mirror. I make eye contact and repeat the same three affirmations every time. Now I personally pee, first thing in the morning, last thing at night and, because I'm so hydrated, repeatedly throughout the day. So this is a lot of data checking for me. It gives me a lot of internal information about myself. A, if I'm avoiding doing, it tells me a lot. B, if I am rejecting it, it tells me a lot. And C, when I am leaning into it, raring to go with it, absolutely happy with the words that I'm saying, it shows me a lot. And the three affirmations I have used for nearly 12 years are I love myself, I trust myself, I am enough. This is twofold, really. Not only are we doing mirror work by looking in our own eyes repeatedly. We are also repeating words of affirmation which help with our neural pathways as something that I say as standard, whether I believe it or not. And C not twofold, it's threefold C it is giving me data and this is the most important part for me. This is the thing that has been transformative. This is 12 years later and I'm still doing it, and it's just as important as it was on day one.
Speaker 1:If I'm able to say it and it's with conviction and there's great eye contact, there's a great response from me. I know I'm in a thriving state. There's instant data feedback. I know I'm good If I'm saying that and I don't want to. If I'm saying that and there's a big response to me like this is bollocks If I'm doing that and I'm leaning back, looking away, won't look myself in the eye, rejecting it all. It's great feedback. There's no right or wrong. It's great feedback.
Speaker 1:I'm like oh, someone's in survival, what do you need? And in that, usually I need to take a break, I need to speak to somebody, I need to chill out, I need to go for a walk, I need lunch, I need an early night, I need to say no to something. I need to offload something. It is just data and in our avoidance of that data, all we are doing is holding ourselves back from working out exactly where we are. This is a practice I will use for the rest of my life. I know this is another statement I make, but it is not once and done.
Speaker 1:You cannot keep going to experiences and expect them to change your life. It is a process of you being really engaged and committed and having conviction with yourself about what you want to do each day to bring yourself to the best possible state, to have the best experience as yourself. Get that data, be curious about that data and instead of judging it or being like I'm terrible at this, like I hate it, I'm not very good at it because I always reject it, it's just data. It's just showing you where you are and by asking yourself what you need, you will be able to work through it to the point where you're back in a thriving state and from there you make your decisions. If you can't make eye contact with yourself and repeat those three sentences, I wouldn't be making any big decisions. I wouldn't be making any any judgments of myself in that moment, because I'm in survival. So that would be where I'd start Really start checking on your data and working out how often you are in a thriving compared to a surviving state, because this isn't about being healed or unshakable or whatever dynamic marketing words are being thrown around at the moment.
Speaker 1:This is about how flexible and agile you can become, learning to lead from a place inside of you that is your thriving state, which creates opportunity, which changes you internally, but from a place of your fulfillment of excitement and curiosity. But from a place of your fulfillment of excitement and curiosity. Survival is about repeating patterns and that starts to become your identity. And it's not true. There's a whole spectrum within us and to expect ourselves to only lean on certain traits and only explore things the way we've always explored them. It won't change anything. And if you're listening to a self-development podcast, I presume you're curious about change and looking to expand in your own life. So I'd love you to check in on that data, to keep using that mirror, to stay curious, to stay open and to really notice how much you're in thriving and even if it's a really low percentage of the day at the moment, don't judge it. Just keep checking the data and working at it until it gets you where you want to be.
Speaker 1:So for me, those things include meditation, they include journaling, movement and eye contact and setting an intention every day. They're my non-negotiables and I do them always, always, always, from a bare minimum perspective. If I can't do 20 minutes, can I do 10? If I can't sit down and journal, can I journal in my head? If I can't do an hour of moving my body, could I go for a 10 minute walk? Whatever it is what's the least I can do to make it happen, because that's also agility and flexibility, rather than going. I can't do 20, so I'm not. I'll start again tomorrow, which is fixed, which will always take you back to the same loops. I hope this helps. I will record more on it, but for now, any questions, please email me, wendy, at the completion coachcouk, or drop me a dm on instagram. Thank you again for listening. If you think this would be helpful, please forward it on to a friend or leave me a review so that more people can find the podcast. Thank you.