And What Else?

The Strength in Being Open

• Wendy O'Beirne (The Completion Coach)

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What if the very armor you wear to guard your emotions is what’s holding you back from true connection? Join me, as I challenge the misconceptions around vulnerability and hyper-independence. Many caregivers and fixers, like myself, often find it difficult to open up to receiving love and help, creating barriers to deep connections and self-expression. In this enlightening episode, we redefine vulnerability as a strength rather than a weakness, enabling genuine communication and curiosity. We unpack the internal chaos that stems from maintaining a facade of self-sufficiency and explore how these behaviors can lead to unspoken fears of rejection and not belonging.

By reconnecting with our youngest selves, we can address the roots of hyper-independence and bring to light what this present version of us needs to express. Throughout the episode, I share personal insights and stories that highlight the importance of letting go of the emotional masks we often wear. We look at how embracing our emotional blocks and imperfections can lead to deeper relationships and a stronger connection with others. Listen in to explore how acknowledging these shared insecurities can foster growth and intimacy, transforming the way we relate to ourselves and those around us.

If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave me a review and subscribe! And if you want to learn more from me, come and say hello on Instagram @thecompletioncoach or via email at wendy@thecompletioncoach.co.uk or find out more about working with me on my website, thecompletioncoach.co.uk.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to and what Else, the podcast with me, wendy O'Byrne, also known as the Completion Coach, and this week I'm going to talk about some of the findings from this year's retreat and some of the things that really came up and are showing up as we continue beyond the retreat within the group coaching container. This year's retreat was all around the theme of receiving receiving love, receiving help, being able to receive the things that we want in this lifetime. The reason opening up to receiving is so important for the people that I work with is because they will often experience being the giver, being the caregiver, being the fixer and the person who unknowingly has a lot of barriers around receiving, unknowingly has a lot of barriers around receiving love, even though they will look like the most loving person in the room when you have hyper-independent traits and when you have worked really hard to not just protect yourself in many ways, but also when you have built this really good mask externally for people to see that you're fine, you don't need any help, you can get by by yourself, that you're not needy, that you don't demonstrate this requirement or need for much, that you would just take yourself off, do what you need to do and get on with it, and there's a great pride in not being a burden, there's a great pride in not being a drain, but in doing that, you're actually rejecting so much of what you do want, which is deep connection, and deep connection can only be truly reached when we're able to open ourselves up, when we are able to be vulnerable with people. And much like this podcast, a couple of episodes back, when I asked people to bring up just the first image or idea of a vulnerable person and unconsciously, your bias is in there about a weak person, quite frankly, most people will see somebody that they believe or perceive to be weak in some way, and so changing and shifting our idea of what vulnerability even is, and noticing that even the word being linked to vulnerable is causing you to automatically assume weak. Assume weak when, in reality, vulnerability is about opening up our self-expression, opening up who we are, opening up the way that we communicate, opening up where we've got questions, where we want to ask for help, where we want to be able to question a little bit more with curiosity, where we want to open ourselves up to things in a way that we currently aren't.

Speaker 1:

And when you are somebody that struggles with receiving, then quite frequently you're somebody that won't use communication in the best possible way. You will make a lot of assumptions in the silences. You will read a lot into silence. You will also try to make sure that those silences are filled because you don't want anybody else to feel uncomfortable. In fact, the reality of not wanting anybody else to feel uncomfortable is this entire protection mode of trying to keep yourself from feeling uncomfortable. But in reality you are sitting in discomfort, but you have convinced yourself that that's your normality.

Speaker 1:

And in your normality and in your repeated behavior, we're often quite blind to what we're doing. And when we're blind to what we're doing and when we're blind to what we're doing, it becomes really difficult to understand where we are repeating patterns, because in reality we can't see we're doing it. We think, because we have read the book, done the journal prompts, committed to some kind of change, that we've done it. But what we can't recognize is just how clever we are, and we're really clever at making it look like we're trying to be different whilst remaining the same. And so I'm going to talk a little bit more to the parts of you that will be afraid of being exposed in some way, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of appearing weak, afraid of becoming a burden, afraid very much of somebody seeing beneath the I'm fine and somebody seeing beneath the I'm capable and somebody seeing beneath the need of I can do it by myself I can do it and the reality of that is the fear of being hurt in some way and you know, there's many things that we can link to that but the fear of being rejected, which is also the fear of being abandoned, which is the fear of disappointment, which is the fear of not being accepted, which is the fear of not belonging, all of those things. And so, when we have learned how to present ourselves in a way that we think makes us non-draining, makes us palatable or likable in some way, but in doing so we have cut off our self-expression, we have forgotten so much of ourselves or are at least pushing down a lot of ourselves.

Speaker 1:

Fundamentally, what we're doing is we are not saying a lot of things that we want to say and we are hoping, by not saying it, by not asking it, that we won't create situations that will feel like abandonment, that will feel like rejection, but what we are constantly doing is creating an internal chaos, and I see this in so many ways in my work, but one of the first things in the questionnaires I send to one-to-one clients is about their values, and it's interesting to see that even the values that are often given are presented values, things that we want to be said to be our values, things that make us look like good people, things that we might use externally for others but we're not internally using. So if one of your top values is honesty but you are very rarely honest, you are very rarely truly honest because you are blocking your self-expression, you are blocking your communication, you are never asking for things, you are never bringing your fullness to the table. What you are asking in reality is that you value honesty because you want other people's honesty. We would probably think that we're really honest people, but in reality, what we are are people that will use honesty as a way to be palatable. Honesty is a way to be good. Honesty is a way to be palatable. Honesty is a way to be good. Honesty is a way to help other people.

Speaker 1:

But we won't truly be honest, deeply honest, and open ourselves up for this risk, this risk and fear of looking the idiot, the fool, the one that doesn't belong, the one that's going to get rejected in some way. It's really interesting to see how we can believe we are the strong one, but our strength is this big protective cloak around our biggest weakness, which is being ourselves. And so even our strength is, in reality, feels like a massive burden to ourselves, because it's about holding everything. This strength is about never asking for help. This strength looks like burnout. This strength looks like ambition sometimes, you know, but that ambition is being fueled by the idea of being self-sufficient, because you can never rely on somebody being self-sufficient, because you can never rely on somebody being self-sufficient because you can't open yourself up to any risk of community or relationship in depth, because you've always got to protect yourself.

Speaker 1:

And this comes from many things rooted in childhood, right, and I know we've all heard the trauma word on repeat for many a year now thanks to social media, and I know it can be something that a lot of people just instantly reject because the word is used so often now and it was never used really before. But I want you to think about removing the word trauma and just experiences. Our childhood experiences have created and imprinted patterns and behaviors and thoughts and beliefs and even language that we use. It has created some emotional limitations and your view of the world is shaped by your experiences of the world, is shaped by your experiences of the world. Understanding and looking at all of this stuff and just being aware that maybe, just maybe, a lot of the way that we are presenting and behaving and believing and experiencing life now is through the lens of those compounded experiences from when we were younger. I speak like this because that's how my clients react easier to a lot of this stuff. You know they might not necessarily want to think about trauma work, they might not relate to words like inner child, but they can understand that the compounded effect of all of their experiences at a young age have created and altered their internal world, their subconscious, to change their scope of the world and who they can be in it. And there is work that can be done to identify that, unravel it and, you know, really strip back to who you are underneath all of the coping mechanisms and strategies that your subconscious developed because they worked at some point or another Germanic Breath journey that we were doing.

Speaker 1:

What was really interesting for me when the idea of meeting your youngest self came in, or the inner child is, mine wasn't a child that came in. It was me that came in at this age with a really strong message that you are the youngest version of you that exists right now. And if you can't connect to this version of you, which is the youngest version of you that connects right now, then you're missing the point. You're missing the point. We need the deep connection here and you need to be able to back her. You need to be able to get her out of the situation she's in. You need to give her a voice. You need to give her what she's looking for. You need to expand her sense of wonder, of vision of all of these things.

Speaker 1:

And I shared it with the group afterwards because I think we can see so much work about going back to the inner child who is at a younger age in a child who is at a younger age. But actually, if you were to consider right now that you are the youngest version of you that does exist right now, if you were looking through this internal lens at you I'm going to say her because that's me at the moment that I'm talking about Whilst looking at her, what can I see that she's struggling with? That I want to help her with as an adult. What can I see she's still doing that she needs to stop. What can I see that she needs to grow and develop in? What can I see she needs to open up her world to? And from this angle, from this point of you being the youngest you that exists right now, what do you need to make a significant impact to improve your situation? Because self-development is about improving your situation in some way or another. It is development of you. So what would help develop in a positive manner something for you right now, as this youngest version of you that exists? I would love you to connect to that, because a lot of people who have developed hyper-independent skill sets, a lot of people who are this protective of themselves, a lot of people who think emotions, feel childish and silly which are all of my clients in some way or another, their bodies believe that their responses, the way they hold themselves together, believe that the reason is that at a young age, they were adult children.

Speaker 1:

At a young age, they were very grown up. At a young age, they were very much exposed to believing they had responsibilities that they shouldn't really have had and that was carried through with them, and I want you to think about that now. Do you see yourself and can you vision who you were at a younger age, and was that an old soul? Was that a very responsible or was that quite a childish kid? Was that a kid with tantrums and emotions and big ways? Or was that a kid that was shutting it all down, not to have to burden anybody with anything, who was taking extra responsibilities? Who, you know, operated from a very adult manner at a young age. Operated from a very adult manner at a young age.

Speaker 1:

And if that does land with you and resonate with you, if you connect with yourself right now, this youngest version of you that currently exists in all lifetimes, the one right now, what would you do to help give and offer support to this version of you? What needs to change, what needs to be voiced, what needs to be declared out loud, what needs to be shared, what needs to be asked for? I would love you to dig into that and dig really deep, because I think it's an important one and, fundamentally, when people come on, retreat and share, they are baffled and dumbfounded by other people's insecurities and the things holding them back, but think and believe ingrained inside of them that theirs are are valid. You know they're not like the other people and the truth is we are all similar inside. Some of the feedback on the forms that I have from retreats are hearing other people share has made me realize that it's not just me hearing the words coming out of these other brilliant, intelligent, fantastic people that I've met and I like and I'm excited to know when they have shared their true thoughts, their true fears, their true underlying feelings, they can recognize that they have the same internal stories and when we can recognize that and see that we're not alone.

Speaker 1:

But we all recognize saying it sounds silly, but I sound so ridiculous saying this, but it sounds childish, but all of those things are just showing you that actually you have guarded your emotions as childish, silly and ridiculous and in doing so in a really sneaky, subconscious manner, you are avoiding them at all costs, masking them at all costs to appear to be this put together, adult. That's not childish, that's not silly, that's not ridiculous. But in doing so, in doing so, you are keeping the emotional blocks that are internal, feeding a really big part of your narrative, feeding a really big part of your internal story in what you will and won't do, can and can't express, can and can't receive, can and can't receive. And so by being an ultimate giver, by being this put together, non-childish, non-burden, good person that gives and does and produces and is so self-sufficient so if everybody leaves they will be okay then maybe you're just operating from that really insular and quite lonely spot of never truly opening yourself up to people so that they can love you and connect with you on a much deeper level and I'm always calling myself out here because you know hyper-independent traits is something that I relied on heavily and something that I'm constantly navigating, changing heavily. And something that I'm constantly navigating, changing and being in a position where I am running these retreats and witnessing these people's stories so beautifully in real life just gives me that solid reminder all of the time, all of the time that we are so craving deep connection.

Speaker 1:

We really do want deep connection, but we somehow don't trust ourselves and we don't trust ourselves with other people. And then there's the distrust of other people with ourselves and within that we are just masking so much, even when we're in relationships, even when we're in friendships, even when we're in teams and communities, of being so guarded on the basis that we do think at some point we will have to be self-sufficient and so not to rely on anything, to not lose yourself in what you believe might be a relationship or another person is just keeping this level of intimacy that you're craving a little bit too far away from you. And so the very thing that you do want deeply, that intimacy, that connection, that depth, is the thing that you need with yourself. To not crack yourself open, because you won't have let yourself in either, and once you can connect back to your body and get out of your head and connect to other people, risking everything in that receiving, knowing that, even in the worst case scenario, if it were to all go horribly wrong and not work out that that's just an experience. It is not a story that dictates the whole of your life. It is not always going to be the outcome, but it may at times be the outcome.

Speaker 1:

You know we're not striving for some life that is always beautiful, always bright, always perfect, always getting it right. In fact, that shouldn't be something that we're aiming for. In fact, that shouldn't be something that we're aiming for. We're aiming for our agility to deal with all parts of ourselves, all experiences and all things that we want to explore and experience in life, but we can't do that from behind closed walls around our heart, pretending that we're risking things when in fact we're not. I'm going to leave this one where it is. It felt like one that just wanted to come out, so enjoy. If this has resonated with you or something that you are interested in more, please do let me know. You can DM me at the Completion Coach on Instagram or send me an email, wendy, at the completion coachcouk, as always. If you think this might resonate, please forward it to anybody you think it might help and if you feel inclined, please do leave a review, because it helps us reach more people. Thank you.