And What Else?

Breaking Free from All-or-Nothing

• Wendy O'Beirne (The Completion Coach)

Share episode

Send us a text

This episode dives into the all-or-nothing mindset, exploring how it traps individuals in cycles of excitement and disappointment. Wendy discusses the transformative power of embracing bare minimum actions, stressing the importance of consistency and non-negotiables in fostering personal growth and self-trust.

• Exploring the destructive cycle of all-or-nothing thinking 
• Understanding the emotional patterns rooted in our nervous systems 
• Importance of microdosing efforts instead of chasing big moments 
• Emphasising flexibility over rigidity in daily routines 
• Personal non-negotiables and their impact on well-being 
• The need for validation and how it reinforces negative behaviours 
• Incorporating daily intentions for a more fulfilling life 
• Encouraging listeners to break free from disappointment cycles

If you've enjoyed this episode, please leave me a review and subscribe! And if you want to learn more from me, come and say hello on Instagram @thecompletioncoach or via email at wendy@thecompletioncoach.co.uk or find out more about working with me on my website, thecompletioncoach.co.uk.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to, and what Else, the podcast with me, wendy O'Byrne, also known as the Completion Coach, and she's back on it. She's back on the all or nothing train. So let's start thinking about the things in your life not that you find easy and can do and are driven towards and show up and constantly do. And for the people listening to this podcast and the people that tend to work with me, that's always the stuff that they do for other people, that's work related stuff that can come quite easily to them when it's for other people, when it can be seen by others and it's going to be needed by others, compared to things that you want to create, things that are on your mind, things that you want to change for yourself, things that matter, matter mostly to you, and it's a big one, because all or nothing behavior, the one where you go all in with fire and excitement, only to crash and burn in disappointment will sound very familiar. And we're going to dig into this today, into why this cycle keeps you stuck, how it's more than just a behavior, it's a pattern rooted in your nervous system, and what you can do to replace it with something that actually works, which is that bare minimum, non-negotiable behavior. That isn't sexy, it isn't going to do a beautiful hook to tell you how you can do X, y or z in 72 hours, but it is life-changing. And before we move on into all or nothing, I'm going to bring this into a slightly different form, which is so many people are chasing big moments. They are chasing the ceremonial dose of cacao you know, the plant medicine where they're going to have a vision. There's something instantly is going to change in them and if you ask them to microdose the cacao or work with it daily over 28 days, they're like no, it'll have no effect, there's no point. And I want to talk about that because two of the biggest impacts in me mentally, physically, emotionally are the things I do on a bare minimum basis and I'll go into some examples of bare minimums later. But this specific example about these big ceremonies, these big events, these big things that we go to, which I applaud because I'm a part of here, I run them, but it is on the basis that you then continue something outside of it, and I've had many ceremonial doses of cacao and beautiful experiences. However, the most impactful life-changing work with that medicine has been my commitment to drinking it daily. And in drinking it daily and seeing the huge impact that has had on my life is incredible. You know the same with I'm going to bring in mushrooms in those spaces that people are chasing that experience with them, compared to the idea of microdosing, where there is no visible effect daily but it is working so hard in the background to create huge change over time.

Speaker 1:

And the thing is we don't really like over time. We are a society, it would seem, if you look at anything that's happening on social media or on any subject, who are rooted in extremes and we believe in one or the other and anybody in the middle ground is somebody that's non-committed, that won't stand up for x, y or z. We don't really see the middle ground as a place we want to be on anything. So all or nothing is extreme thinking, extreme feeling and extreme action. It's living life on a bit of a roller coaster, because you start absolutely filled with excitement, determination, but you know every single time it's going to drop into disappointment, even when people say to me excitedly I'm all or nothing like. I'm so all in and I'm like, yeah, but at some point you're going to be all out because the title tells you everything you will come back to nothing. And when you come back to nothing, you are effectively saying I perpetually put myself in cycles of extreme excitement and extreme disappointment. Because the all is rooted in excitement and the nothing is rooted in disappointment, and because these two states are so closely tethered to the things that you want, the things that you crave, the things that you desire, every time you start something from that place, your body is already bracing itself for the disappointment, creating this pattern in your nervous system, where excitement triggers the fight or flight energy. You know go, go, go. But when your disappointment hits, your system's coming into functional freeze, your system's coming into shutdown in some ways, and you're stuck swinging between these states.

Speaker 1:

And the real kicker is when the disappointment hits. It feels so familiar, it's almost like a weird sense of relief. So familiar, it's almost like a weird sense of relief. So, even though you don't want it, there's this kind of oh, I knew this was coming in the body and it's becoming regulated because it knew it was coming. Ie, it's familiar and so it's being regulated from a really unhealthy behavior. So when you think about what that does to you long term, in your thoughts, your feelings and your thinking and your beliefs. Everything you get excited about ends in disappointment. Everything you get excited about ends in disappointment. What story are you telling yourself about what you want, about your dreams, your capabilities or even your worth? Are you telling yourself about what you want, about your dreams, your capabilities or even your worth? And when we flip that and I talk about the bare minimum with people, the non-negotiables they want to roll their eyes at me Like you want me to do what? What's that going to do?

Speaker 1:

It is harder for people used to chasing extremes to do the bare minimum. It is the biggest challenge for them to do the least every day towards something and to try to contain that momentum, because we've been programmed and conditioned as a society that consistency is boring. We're being told that consistent is constant and it's not consistency. Consistency is not something you do constantly. It's something that you will do on a bare minimum basis, flexibly. Flexibility is your greatest friend, not that rigid all or nothing. All or nothing is really closed mind and bare minimum is really open-minded. How can I make these things happen? And bare minimum is really open-minded. How can I make these things happen? Rigid, it's got to be this extreme compared to this flexibility. Oh, I could do this, I could make that. This is how I could think differently. This is something I haven't considered. This is something I haven't done before.

Speaker 1:

So consistency, we've been told is boring, or been informed that it must be constant, which is the idea of this rigid, when actually all or nothing is the only rigid constant that you're getting into the cycle of Consistency is that bare minimum. It's that open-minded, it's that flexibility. That's not dramatic, it's not immediate. And because it's not immediate, we don't feel like we're getting that dopamine hit, like we want things same day, next day get it to me and actually all or nothing gives us very quick dopamine hits, but they're really easily and quickly hit by disappointment. That slower burn of the microdosing, the bare minimum, the showing up flexibly, no matter what, in different ways to things. There's magic there because that commitment to the small, intentional actions which are actions which are committed to improving your state and when I talk about improving your state, I'm on about how you look after your nervous system and what area of your state you are entering into things We'll touch on that in a moment but also what the intention is. We become intentional when we slow down, when we commit to these things. When we become intentional, we become far more connected to ourselves and to the thing which allows us to access oxytocin, which is built through connection in many different ways, but it allows us to get to these things through oxytocin, which is built through connection in many different ways, but it allows us to get to these things. Through oxytocin and dopamine, we'll get both, but those feel-good hormones tied to this sense of connection and this sense of purpose.

Speaker 1:

The thing everyone's chasing randomly in job titles, bare minimum, is the bridge between excitement and disappointment. It's the middle ground of progress. It doesn't come with burnout, it comes with happiness god forbid. It comes with joy. It is not boring. However, it does require you to turn up when it's not exciting. It does require you to turn up when it's not exciting and it does need you to turn up when nothing's happening. And it requires you to be so connected to yourself and to the thing and to the faith and the trust in yourself and the thing that you can turn up when nothing's happening and you can find joy in turning up when nothing's happening. It's not glamorous, is it? But it is life-changing.

Speaker 1:

So I'm going to take it a little bit deeper and say what's beneath all of this all or nothing behavior? And I think. I think it's about chasing validation, because we want to be further along than we are in anything. So we think by going all in we'll be further ahead, quicker. So we'll never look like a beginner, we'll never look like we're starting, we'll never feel like we are not the best at something. We don't want to be seen small or inferior. We want to be seen as successful in whatever we're doing right, because that's validation, because we know that we have got all of our self-worth to date from doing things we're good at and pleasing people to such a degree that they think we're good.

Speaker 1:

And so doing these other things, these things that are coming from a different place in you, that are driven by your own desires, your own wants, your own needs, it's a little bit out of your entire identity, because you might have to start something where there's no proof. You start something and nobody can see it, there's no external validation, there's no title, there's no recognition. There's no title, there's no recognition. And so that high impact of excitement and disappointment is just reinforcing the idea that you are disappointing, or you will be a disappointment, or the things you are excited for will disappoint you. It's about entangling the emotional wiring that is keeping you stuck swinging between these extremes. It's about entangling the emotional wiring that is keeping you stuck swinging between these extremes and telling yourself this is how it is.

Speaker 1:

Everything I care about would eventually let me down, and I can't tell you how much that shows up in people, even the people you wouldn't expect externally because of the way that they present, perform and show themselves outwardly. But the idea that everything I care about will eventually let me down is keeping your emotions, your thoughts and your body in a state of dysregulation in a way that keeps you going to these heightened extremes constantly. And why, if you are going to do something that's challenging, it has to look at challenging externally. It's not about challenging yourself internally. So you know, if you're somebody that's throwing yourself in that ice bath to show people that you can do hard things well, actually, although it's difficult to perhaps get your leg in, if people are watching you would do it, and when the days that nobody's watching, you're probably not going out there and doing it. That's what I'm talking about. To some degree, it matters when there's an audience and I have to prove I can, compared to. There's nobody here to see this and I might only do 30 seconds, so it's not worth it.

Speaker 1:

So how do we actually make the bare minimum non-negotiables work? First of all, make it non-negotiable. What are you so committed to that you would do on a non-negotiable, flexible basis? When I talk about state, I don't know if it makes complete sense to people, but the state we are in makes a big difference to our intentions and to what we say we'll do and where it comes from. So my bare minimum non-negotiables are always about my state and just bringing myself into an intentional state daily as to how I want the things I'm doing my day, the impact on other people and the overall feeling of my day to go daily.

Speaker 1:

Non-negotiable bare minimums, just on the day-to-day to live with or without goals, just how I want to really show up for myself, which is really difficult because I am programmed to show up for others. I am programmed to put other people first. I am programmed to put productivity first. I am programmed to exhaust myself and leave my own body in so many ways to disassociate and get through. There's a whole podcast coming on disassociation, but for now these are for me.

Speaker 1:

Every time I go to the loo, and I apologize for the people that have heard this six million times from me, but every time I go to the toilet, wash my hands, I make eye contact and I repeat three affirmations out loud. A the affirmations are, yes, helping rewind my brain, not the reason I use them. Primarily for me, it's because I will notice my reaction to those and it tells me everything about my energy, everything about what I should do next. And those have been the same three for me for 10, 12 years now, which is I am enough, I love myself, I trust myself, and in those three statements I can see where I flinch, where I don't want to say them, where I'm really leaning forward into them, where I'm meeting it with a smile. All of it's given me feedback and that feedback tells me exactly what's going on internally. And because I am somebody that weaves first thing in the morning, last thing at night and throughout the day I'm getting markers throughout the day, together with first thing and last thing, about where I am.

Speaker 1:

Such an intentional act, if you only add that into your daily routine, which, trust me, I've asked thousands of people to do in the last seven, eight years of doing this work. Thousands of people to do, I would say a handful are doing it, at least doing it more than once. And if we refer to the last podcast about the fact that we need to do these things on repeat, doing it once might give you an experience but it won't get you anywhere. You have to dig back in, you have to do it. And for me, I tie it to things I already do. I'm already going to the loo on the regular daily, so I might as well tie something into that loo on the regular daily. So I might as well tie something into that a habit stack that makes it easy to do. Because no matter where I am in the world, if I'm on holiday, if I'm tired, if I'm ill, if I'm thriving, if I'm giddy with excitement, if I'm out in meetings, I'm always going to nip to the loo and I can do those things silently in my head and it gives me instant check back that now, because I'm so used to doing, I can really change things quite quickly for myself in those moments, because I know what will shift me.

Speaker 1:

The second thing for me is drinking two liters of water a day. That's a great amount for me as a bare minimum to get into system to feel good. I get out in nature every day, so I don't have a step count, I don't have a minimum time to be out. My commitment is to get out every day into nature. Yes, it's easier for me now I have a dog than when I didn't have a dog and I used to be quite fair weather, but I do get myself out every day one way or another, get out and just have a walk. Those three are the ones that are.

Speaker 1:

Doesn't matter where I am in the world, what's going on in my world, those three things will happen no matter what. They're non-negotiable. On top of that, once I had built that into my system, as just done, really flexibly, doesn't matter what it looks like, doesn't matter what time it is, doesn't matter any of the things, but I would do it, no matter what that flexibility meant that it became second nature at some point. I'm not going to say 21 days or 28 days or whatever the days are that are claimed to make a habit, but over time it has become so ingrained in the pattern of what I do there is at no point you will see me nip to the loo and then, when I'm washing my hands, not make eye contact and quickly process what I need to process. There is no day you will see me out where I'm not getting my water in. There is at no point where I will be too busy that I cannot get outside and just do something, even if it's stand in the garden for 10 minutes, if it's walk around the block, if it's walk between tube stations, if it's to simply get myself to the park, whatever it, I will make it happen. Whatever it looks like now, because they're so ingrained, it's really easy for me to build on top.

Speaker 1:

So meditation daily looks different, always do it. Journaling daily looks different. Always do it. They're in my bag, they're in my tool. I do them, no matter what it looks like. Some days that's a massive brain dump. Sometimes that's journaling in my head on that walk. Sometimes that's journaling in my notes app or sending myself a voice note, processing what's on my mind. Sometimes that's me sitting in a beautiful ritual, being really intentional with questions and prompts and digging into something. But but journaling, no matter what it looks like, happens every day.

Speaker 1:

Meditation, no matter what it looks like, happens every day, whether me sitting down on a train, whether that's me doing it on a walk, whether that's me listening to an audio, whether that's me using my breath or whether that's me sitting down in silence, and if it's five minutes or 50 minutes, it doesn't matter, as long as it happens, because it's something that I do. It's become part of my identity. I am a meditator. I am also somebody that trusts myself because by doing the things that I said I would do, even when there was no visible progress, even when it was not visible to the external world, even when it wasn't validated by anyone, even myself, when they had no value for the external world, when it did not give proof of my value to the external world, I still do them, which means I have built the kind of self-trust that I wish I had spent more time building when I was younger, because that self-trust has given me this ability, in anything that I want to do, to root it into the. How can I make it happen? And I wonder what this will lead to, rather than putting extreme focus on it happening as quickly as possible with as much external validation as possible, or it's a failure and I no longer root my behavior and my nervous system in the identity of disappointment. That I will be a disappointment, or I will be disappointing, and life will disappoint me, people will disappoint me, which is fundamentally what all or nothing behavior tends to be rooted in some idea of disappointment. So I'm going to leave this with you because I have banged on and I'm going to ask you.

Speaker 1:

Oh, before I do that, intention, intention setting is one of my non-negotiables. I can't believe I skipped it out. But in the shower every day I ask myself these questions who do I want to be today? How do I want people to feel as a result of the meeting with me, of seeing me, of bumping into me? How do I want people to feel as a result of meeting me today? And how do I want to feel as a result of who I've been today? Those three questions I answer in the shower. So I'm really intentional about who I'm going to be on a day-to-day basis.

Speaker 1:

The reason these non-negotiables matter to me another one might be to move the body daily, whether that's through a walk, through exercise, through dance, through something to get into the body. To be really intentional about get into the body. To be really intentional about getting into the body and noticing what it's like to be in the body, especially when you're somebody that's always in your head. I know that getting into my body is something that I have valued the least in life. I talked on Instagram, I think.

Speaker 1:

Think about exercise being really hard for me to convince myself to turn up for. And it's not because I dislike exercise, it's not because I'm lazy, it's not because of any of the things that you might externally label it as, but it is because I have always seen getting into my body as unnecessary and non-productive. So it is something that I see almost as selfish, self-indulgent and pointless because it's only for me. So it's interesting that that's the thing with the most resistance. And I'm somebody with hyper-independence traits who can study to the end of the earth, can read, can do things for other people, can do productivity, but I see getting in the body as a non-productive action, so it's the one that will challenge me in my mind the most. So I have to commit to doing it on a non-negotiable basis, daily, on a bare minimum basis, and being really intentional about it.

Speaker 1:

If that's moving to a song once a day, if it's moving the body, if it's stretching, if it's a workout, no matter what it is it being an intentional decision to get into the body and noticing the huge resistance my brain has to them, because it sees getting in the body as non-productive, possibly dangerous, and also a way that you might lose control, because if you get into the body too much it might get in the way of the thinking.

Speaker 1:

So there's some thoughts, there's a brain fart of my life for you that you didn't ask for. Now what I am going to ask you is these two questions what would it take this year for you to break out of this behavior and truly sit with what disappointing and disappointed really bring up in you, and how long do you want that to have such a major role in your life? I hope you've enjoyed listening. I will continue with these podcasts that will all layer on top of one another, as always. Feel free to email me, wendy at thecompletioncoachcouk, or send mea DM at thecompletioncoach, and if you think this would be useful to somebody else, please forward it on.